“You’re Getting Old!” or “You have OLS – Old Lady Syndrome!” Doctor appointments are hysterical.

My Doctor Appointments have become Comedy Routines!

Indignity #1 - wearing paper boxer-like shorts at doctor appointment

Why do I never hear hysterical crazy stories about doctor appointments from other women? I can’t possibly be the only person who has awkward and laugh out loud checkups!!!

Below are just a few examples of what should become my “Standup Comedy Routine!”

Orthopedic – Recent appointment for Knee Bursitis - an ailment I’d never heard about until it happened to me! I vaguely recall hearing the term “Bursitis” but thought it had something to do with trees or testicles?

I was doing my mega-cleaning - on my knees - underneath the dining room table – when I experienced an incredibly sharp pain coming from my right knee. You may ask, “Why were you on your knees underneath your dining room table – you weird and crazy woman!?” Well, table legs also collect dust!! Anyway, I pulled up my work pants and saw a massive gelatinous lump protruding from my wrinkly knee!!! I screamed! My husband Ed was equally shocked and mildly appalled but offered to rush me to the doctor if I'd pull my pant leg back down. We ended up at a Patient First to have it looked at until I could see an Orthopedic doctor. They put me in a small room to wait for my turn. As I paced my cell (I mean room) and tried to find something to amuse me – one of the nurses kept popping her head in to tell me I needed an X-ray. I kept replying that I’d like the doctor to look at my knee first and to stop asking me that question. She was persistent! Anyway, I saw a doctor for 5 minutes and she concluded that I had Bursitis and needed to follow up with an Orthopedic doctor. Another nurse wrapped my blobby knee up so tight that I lost circulation in my leg and it turned blue. I screamed again! Of course, I couldn’t see the Ortho Doc for a month and had to wrap/compress my knee until my appointment.

While I waited for the appointment, life went on with some discomfort. I was always aware that I had a foreign object on my knee that was controlling my life. During one of my daily meditations, I felt a presence. A separate heartbeat coming from my “Bursa Twin” and probably plotting my demise. All I could meditate on were these words, “It’s ALIVE!!!”

The day of my appointment finally came and I arrived in my go-to outfit – tights, large tee and sneakers. The nurse came in to do my prep and asked if I wanted to pull up my tights or wear one of their disposable garments. Well, there is a reason why they are called “tights,” so I chose the alternative. She handed me a pair of large paper boxer-like shorts to change into. I immediately said, “Oh, I’m taking a selfie with these babies!” (See pix above) I also texted it to my niece and sister for a good laugh.

Below is a breakdown of the “Indignities” I endured for this appointment:

Indignity #1 – Wearing huge blue paper boxer shorts with a big lump on my knee.

Indignity #2 - My 16-year-old male doctor made me wait long enough for me to start sweating. This will make sense later.

Indignity #3 - When he finally arrived, I immediately started babbling and told him that I have named the lump “Alice” and I hoped I could one day say, “Alice doesn’t live here anymore.” (meaning that I was looking forward to "Alice being taken care of" (wink, wink) at this appointment.) He looked a bit confused and I said, “It’s a song and movie reference.” He looked more confused and I said, “Never mind. You’re too young.”

Indignity #4 - He then asked how this bulbous ball of fluid got on my knee (not in those exact words) and I told him that I was cleaning and crawling underneath the DR table. I felt a sharp pain on my knee, pulled up my pants and screamed!! I told him that I’m a very enthusiastic cleaner and often on my knees. My mouth couldn’t stop vomiting words, so I explained that at my previous job, I spent 21 years on my knees every day. He got another really confused look on his face and I realized how that statement sounded and said, “It’s not what you think!” Then he looked even more confused and a bit concerned and I said, “Forget it! Let’s just drop this subject!” (Hooker comes to mind?)

HUGE Indignity #5 - Once we got past the “how I got the Bursa humiliation,” he asked what knee pad I’ve been wearing for protection. Internally, I was already in a frenzy, so I jumped up from the table and started to run over to my pile of clothes to get my knee pad and realized that I’d been sweating so much that not only were my paper boxers wet but I’d also soaked through to the big paper strip on the exam table. Halfway to the chair, I also realized the paper was attached to my ass and I had a soggy trail of paper behind me. I started ripping it off my sweaty legs and ass while throwing the shredded pieces onto the floor – mumble-yelling, “Stupid Paper!!!” I grabbed my knee pad and (half) flung it at the doctor. At this point I realized my dignity was non-existent and left in shreds on the exam room floor.

Indignity #6 - There was nothing the young doctor could do for my long-lost twin now living on my right knee. I just had to accept “Alice” and wait for her to re-absorb back into my body. Creepy! He recommended some arthritic pain cream and compression knee pads for the foreseeable future. Oddly, he got really enthusiastic while looking up massive knee pads on Amazon - something that a hockey player would drool over and suggested I buy a pair. Men can be so stupid.

But I did go to Dick’s and bought some female volleyball knee pads and decided I would tell everyone that I’d joined a local league for women over 50. It gave my knee pads street cred!

Indignity #7 - My child-doctor couldn’t run fast enough to get out of the exam room and away from me. Dejected, I got dressed and picked up my soggy paper remains. After a while, I realized no one was coming back with my after-visit instructions – so I poked my head out the door. The nurses all turned their heads as one and just stared at me. All I could think was - the Doctor told them an OLD HOOKER was in the exam room and to please take care of her and have her removed – because he was traumatized.

I did not take a photo of the Post Exam Room paper catastrophe because it looked like the exam table was attacked by a badger!

Conclusion – knee pads and ice packs for 5-6 months. Alice is getting evicted! BTW – don’t ask an orthopedic doctor to just get a needle and suck out the gelatinous fluid out of your knee. One more indignity that reminds you that you’re not very bright.

Ophthalmologist – My eyes have always been sub-par – so cataracts were inevitable. When I was referred to an Ophthalmologist I was once again surprised to see a very cute pregnant 15-year-old doctor. Of course, she wasn’t 15 – but every doctor looks so f**king young to me. She proceeded to tell me that my eyeballs are short, small and shaped wrong. I’m sure she said that in more technical terms – but that’s what I heard. We were nose-to-nose as she stared into my eyes and held my head and said, “Your head is narrow and (long pause) “petit.” I said, “Did you just say I have a small brain?” She laughed and said, “You’re funny!” She did not clarify her original statement – but left my tiny brain to process this momentous diagnosis.

My mom said my brain is small but MIGHTY!

Did my head (brain) shrink? Does that explain why my ears look bigger?

Cataracts situation – My insurance does not offer laser surgery. I have two astigmatisms which equates Toric lens implants and lasik surgery. It also means out of pocket costs for my EYESIGHT!! Twisted health insurance logic!!!

Conclusion – getting cataract surgery that is best for my eyesight even though it will cost me one of my arms and half a leg.

Osteopenia – Prior to Menopause my bones were strong and my skeleton supple. Now the word “crispy” comes to mind when I think of my internal structure. A “structure” that was meant to maintain my skin suit until death. I’ll end up shrunken and curled in a fetal position at the end. I already exercise 4-5 times a week and eat properly.

Conclusion – double up on your calcium and vitamin D.

Realistic Conclusion – stock up on bubble wrap.

Audiologist – I knew something was wrong for quite some time. I had a hissing/white noise in my left ear. I wondered if it was Alice or another one of my inner voices trying to tell me secrets to the universe. I was wrong and diagnosed with Tinnitus. I had 2 appointments – one in a sound studio and second one with a specialist. Of course, every time you see a doctor they get your weight, height and blood pressure. Having my blood pressure done is exciting. My tech had to do mine 3 times. The first time she said it had to be wrong because I wasn’t sitting right – the second time she got panicked because it was so low she thought I was dead. So, she had me stand up to prove she was wrong and did it a third time and told me to breath normal!!! I was fine. At a previous doctor appointment, I was told to do breathing exercises to calm down. I am usually very nervous when I see a doctor, so I took her advice and did slow breathing prior to the blood pressure test. It worked last time, but not this one. After she got a normal BP – she said, “Ok, you’re alive.”

Once I saw the specialist and went over all the details of my tinnitus, she told me I needed an MRI to make sure I didn’t have a brain tumor – or tumor in my ear canal – which is located in my head near my brain!!! That was an unexpected surprise! Three cheers for me laying in a claustrophobic tube for 40 minutes. EEK! Wait just a sec! It should take less time to do my MRI since I have a “Petit Head” and “Tiny Brain!”

Conclusion – no real cure for tinnitus so I’m going the homeopathic route! FYI - the appointment hasn't happened yet. I'll update once I get the results.

To prove my point about wacky doctor appointments, I’m going to tell you a couple stories from my youth. I don’t think I ever see a doctor without some bizarre moment where time seems to slow down for me - while the rest of the world keeps moving. An out-of-body kind of experience. One of my first memories going to a GP with my mom, that did not include getting a childhood vaccination, was to get a physical exam. It was traumatizing. The one thing that I remember from that routine visit was lying on an exam table with the old male doctor looming over me. He was pulling “stuff” out of my belly button and chastising me for not cleaning myself better. He had this “lint-like substance” on a large Q-tip. He shoved it in my face and told me to smell it. Horrified at the smell and him - it fell off the Q-tip and on to my face. I screamed! I was very young and he was very nasty. What child is fastidious about cleaning any part of their body? And what child looks at their belly button and thinks, “Boy, I better clean the smelly stuff out of my weird tummy hole! I don’t want to embarrass my mom at my next doctor visit or have nightmares forever!” To this day, I am anal retentive about cleaning my F**king Belly Button!!!

I did not go to a doctor for quite some time after the BB incident until I fell off a minibike and split open my eyebrow. We all know how bad head wounds bleed. Of course, it was a weekend and I was rushed to the “ER”. I grew up in Northern Maine – so it took a while for the doctor to get to the tiny hospital. I can’t remember this doctor’s name, but he was considered a little eccentric. We smelled him before he entered the exam room. He had just come from his farm and had obviously been doing chores and was literally covered in shit. He pretended to wash his hands and decided I needed stitches. To this day, I can’t believe I didn’t die from a bacterial infection or maybe swine flu. BTW – I don’t recall getting any anesthetic.

Upcoming medical appointments and procedures: MRI, Mammogram, COVID vaccine, Dentist and Cataract surgery. Cross fingers it all goes well with minimal humiliation!

I'd love to hear some of your hysterical or tragic or empowering Doctor Visits - it helps to share!!

Don’t forget to purchase my book Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! I talk about other hysterical doctor moments. GYN appointments are a laugh riot!!!

I really hope you’ll become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything!

Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! I recommend you purchase the soft cover book Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! for the preferred reading experience! I have pages at the end of the book for you to add your own menopausal journey!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog!

Let’s be Friends!!!

Colleen McIntosh