How to Communicate with Your Primate! Deciphering the Chatter!

Colleen and Ed - My Favorite Primate!

C’mon Ladies!! We’ve all considered the similarities between Man and Ape!!!

I’ve done some research on our non-human primate ancestors and deduced that we are more similar than we’d like to admit. I consider myself an amateur Biological Anthropologist because I’ve been studying our cousins - primates - for 65 years. I believe there should be an Honorary Doctorate with my name on it for all my hard work!

Like our primate relatives we are social animals and live in groups. There is a hierarchy of social structure and organization – which primarily falls to the female. This allows the male primate to beat his chest, seduce his mate, eat her snacks (Trader Joe’s Cheese Rockets) and solidify his dominance as alpha in our household. Unbeknownst to my primate, the female (the real alpha) is subtly controlling him!! BTW – I’ve hidden those T-Joe’s Rockets and he sniffs them out every time. We fight to the death which leads to a shredded box of Rockets and high levels of cholesterol and chronic (psycho) stress!!!

The Alpha Primate’s job is to protect me and our territory, provide for us, desire me and keep me happy. He better keep me happy because my job is far more complex and time consuming. I also provide, source supplies, feed us, groom him, entertain him, clean, wash, nurture our hairy children (pets) and protect him from doing something reckless! Is it a balanced society? A work in progress.

This blog will primarily focus on male/female relationships – specifically my relationship with my husband, Ed. My primate for life!!

I love my husband with 100% of my heart and 99% of my head. The 1% is still on the fence due to the vast differences between us – male and female. Ed and I have been together almost 27 years. He is the love of my life. Unless Timothy Olyphant bursts through our door and professes his undying love. Hopefully, for me?!

Cowboy hat, cowboy boots and tight jeans! He can "Justify" me anytime!!!

He is in the top three famous candidates that I can cheat on my husband and be forgiven list. Just watch the show Justified and you’ll completely concur. (Image Right - while sitting on the toilet. His eyes are strategically covered for privacy!)

Ed and I still make each other laugh every day. However, it’s not all butterflies and baby goats in our micro-society of 2 (4 if you count our dog and cat). He loves me but he can also piss me off, irritate the snot out of me and hurt my feelings, but we are still soul mates. I am true to myself with him, in all my lunacy and messiness - yet he loves me anyway. Same goes for his primate-ass – I love him despite him. Unconditional love!

BUT – we’re of different species and often communication quickly breaks down. It’s like we are speaking alien languages that only our species understands. I don’t speak primate! I can sometimes interpret his hand signals and facial expressions for rudimentary needs and emotions – hunger, anger, boredom, irritation, happy, needy, sleepy, horny. They are simple creatures with basic primordial emotions. I give myself a 50/50 chance of getting his grunts right. I muse on the cosmic joke the universe is playing on us – pairing us together to propagate the world.

I pepper my menopause book with snippets of Ed and our relationship. He is the primary male that lived through this momentous transition. When women go through “The Menopause” they have multiple stages of transformation. Our metamorphosis is initially met with confusion, panic, fear and longing. Since most of us have little knowledge of the menopause – we must go through the stages of grief - at losing our youth. Only then can we accept the change with wisdom, grace and beauty – inside and out. Men don’t experience this physical and emotional migration. Men are used to society saying, “He just gets better with age!!” It’s equally confusing for men because they will never fully understand these mutations that occur – emotionally and physically – that women endure. Since time began – men were bred to have simple basic needs and were told that they were entitled, powerful and dominant. Society has twisted our norms into lies and we have all paid the price. It will be women who will have to clean up their mess and rewrite the story – along with everything else we have on our plates. Anyway, I veered off the topic to point out some obvious truths. Back to my deciphering the chatter!!

Let’s breakdown some obvious discrepancies and solutions to communication between our two species:

1. How to Hug Your Primate – It's vitally important that the primate be taller and larger than their mate/partner – unless you have big boobs – then it’s okay. Masculinity is jeopardized by the feminine act of “hugging” so you must make allowances for your primates need to maintain control. The reality is – you are in control, but his ego must be humored. Hugging, to a primate, is an act of protection, affection and calming his female chimp (mate) that everything is fine because he is indulging her need to be encircled by his long, virile ape-arms (hug).

Here is an example of “Hugs by Ed.” Almost every day (usually early morning before I’ve put on shoes), Ed and I end up in the kitchen together for coffee and one of our ritual hugs. We have a chef mat in our kitchen which is about a half inch to an inch thick which Ed subtly (or so he thinks) arranges our positions so I’m standing on the floor while he is standing on the mat. He wraps his arms around me as I scoot in with my arms tucked into my chest. Ed now has about 1 inch advantage on me – thanks to his shoes and the chef mat. As such, Ed can cradle my head under his chin. He proceeds to rock me like a baby grunting sweet nonsense. Knowing that this makes him feel so manly, I will say with laughter building, “Oh, you are so big and strong! So masculine!” Ed can’t maintain his puffed-out chest while laughing. To balance out the “Primate Hug”, we will switch places with me doing the hugging. It immediately breaks down into giggles, because I can’t reach my arms around his bulk and it looks like a toddler is hugging a Gorilla. We must like these hugs because we keep coming back for more. Hugging in bed is a whole other bag of brute. It’s like cuddling a boa constrictor. A little suffocating and scary!

I wouldn't give up these hugs for anything. My primate gives good hug!!!

2. How to Control your Chest-Beating Primate – This can be tricky. Depending on how you react, you take the risk that it will turn uglier than initially intended. The key thing is to NOT WHINE when the "Hulk is beasting!" Sarcasm is also frowned upon. The worst thing you could say is, “Calm Down!” I’ve learned over many years to not provoke that beast. Silence and body language are your initial means of communication until fully reading the meltdown. I usually stare with eyes half-lidded and mouth firmly shut with neutral body language. It hides my real feelings of surprise, judgement and why the f**k are you so upset. My body is not fully relaxed but in a holding pattern of tension in case I need to flee. I’m not scared of my primate – but more concerned about his solution. Rash decisions are a threat when the “bear/primate is poked.” These outbursts are often caused by stress or calling an insurance company or phone company or credit card company. You catch my drift. Yelling at a robot on the phone is infuriating!! Keep your responses to a minimum. Add a touch of empathy in your tone at his amplified frustration. Sidling quietly out of the room can occur once his focus turns away from your carefully crafted expression. He’ll gradually deflate and need a nappy. It will resolve itself once he’s rested. Sometimes, albeit rarely, I must pull the Grownup Card and tell him to, “Stop It!! Listen to yourself! Grow Up and Chill Out!!!”

3. How to Distract Your Primate - Here's a distraction snippet from my book – Memory Loss Chapter 6:

Memory Loss - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!!

When you walk into a room and forget why you walked into the room—I recommend you clean something—so to distract others into believing your true purpose was to clean that “fridge” all along. Keep the mystery alive until you ultimately forget to even clean something and just stand in the middle of the room with a perplexed look on your face. For example—if your husband asks what is wrong—just say, “Do you smell smoke?” Men always fall for that and immediately go into ape-man survival mode. Usually, that should give you enough time to remember the real reason you walked into that room before you have to re-cage your primate. Diversion is key!!!

I find that when your mate is on a tangent, getting worked up, droning on and on, not paying attention – ask a totally unrelated question. They already think they're the smartest person/primate in the room, so they feel compelled to answer that question ad nauseam. Your alpha primate expends a lot of energy maintaining his alpha status – therefore, he needs more snacks. Food is a great distraction. If he starts irritating you, just walk away and say, “I’m going to bake some cookies.” No Brainer!!

Then there is the age-old trick of using your sex. I’m not saying, “Have Sex.” I’m saying, use it to your advantage. It could be as simple as bending over, wearing tights, holding his hand, telling him he’s cute/handsome or if you're desparate - flash him. Women are always the most powerful person in a male dominated room – simply because we are women. Primates/Men are controlled by one appendage – and females are at the controls. ‘Nuff said!

My primate also loves to play with tools. I admire how adept he is with these advanced technologies. I am very proud of my primate because his primate friends have not evolved to his level of using hammers and making sticks. So, this is a wonderful distraction for him – preening and showing off his skills. I suggest he make things for the house – the bigger the project the longer the diversion.

4. How to Control Your Primates Primal Urges – Cold showers are fantastic – but the minute they step out of that shower, they are horny again. Ed gets aroused if I’m wearing plaid flannel jammies, large tee, bulky sweatshirt, wooly socks and a baseball cap. In other words - same garments my primate is wearing?! He leers at me and starts fondling me saying, “You are so HOT in your baggy layers of clothing! Plaid turns me on!!” I guess I’m flattered but more confused.

Ed has mentioned the word “Harem” a few times – which in some primate societies is a very common practice. Apparently, Ed closely resembles a Gorilla’s sexual proclivities.

Males often communicate their needs through olfactory and vocalization communication. Women secrete pheromones that alert the male there’s a chance he’ll get lucky. Often, they misinterpret these “scents” and get a slap across their hairy jaw. Your primates vocalized grunts (a gateway to language) can communicate different needs – hunger, distress, predator alert, dominance, needs attention, wooing which may lead to sex. Over time you’ll cue into what each grunt means and decide how to reply, react or do neither!

You can’t control his libido. I believe castration for "humans" is illegal, even though we share 99% of our DNA with our primate relavtives. There could be a case for it!

5. How to Translate Your Primates Grunts – Below is a quick tutorial of deciphering the chatter and interpreting his gibberish repertoire:

a. Hunger Grunt – 2 quick grunts in quick succession – feed it soon.

b. Dominance Grunt – 1 deep loud prolonged grunt – no use arguing – he’s gone full primate. May also include chest-thumping, baring teeth, pacing and lunging.

c. Predator Alert Grunt – multiple grunts that gradually increase in volume that end in a dominance screech - to scare away whatever made that noise in the basement (probably the cat).

d. Pay Attention To Me Grunt – 3 softer grunts to encourage his mate to acknowledge and coddle him. He thinks softer grunts will appeal to the nurturer in our cold black hearts. Stupid Primate!

e. Repairing The Relationship Grunt – 3 mewling grunts to beg forgiveness for being a Primate. 50/50 chance it will work.

f. Shocked At Your Dominant Intellect Grunt - 1 quick low grunt, immediately followed by a high one as if affronted. Don't worry, he'll get over it. Deep down - way down - he knows you are right!

g. Sex/Wooing Grunt – 1 basso-deep Isaac Hayes grunt initially and if that doesn’t work – repeat until it does – OR - he knuckles it to a corner to rub/lick his rejected testicles/wounds.

6. How to Manipulate Your Primate – It takes time to truly learn the art of manipulation. It involves subtlety and finesse. You don’t want to upset your primate. Sometimes they bite! You have to use reverse psychology. For example, if he wants you to pick the restaurant – make sure you have 3 choices. One he likes and two you like. His obvious selection would be the first one, but that will make him hesitate because he knows you won’t be as happy and might think he’s being selfish. So, he’ll pick one of the others hoping to please you and maybe get lucky!! He’s wrong, of course, because after stuffing his hairy belly he’s too sleepy to “get lucky!”

Going silent always has power. Deadly silence is a perfect way to gain control over any situation. Primates are terrified of your silence and cold dead stare. It’s the “Black Hole” of relationships. When you finally speak, they’ll agree to anything.

Manipulating bigger decisions is in the section below.

7. How to Talk Your Primate Off “The Cliff” – First rule is - Do Not Jump Off The Cliff With Your Primate!!!”

Impulsive Cliff Dive! Just follow Meeeeeeeeeeee......!

I’ve mentioned this quote in a previous blog, but it applies perfectly to this one. “When a Man plans, a Woman laughs!” Jason Pargin quote.

When my primate jumps off "The Cliff” I can hear him scream, “Just follow Meeeeeeeeeeeee....!” Consequences be damned! For years I would immediately jump after him, also without a parachute, wondering if this was a good idea?? Now I just silently watch him take a flying leap and wait for him to figure out what a ridiculous plan that was and - Ouch! That must have hurt!! Making colossal rash decisions with the expectation that you will blindly follow is another definition of “crazy.” I will listen to his passionate (demented) grunting about life-changing objectives (hallucinations) but only respond with non-committal sideways glances. Never making direct eye contact or verbally promising anything but acknowledging his enthusiasm by just being in the room. He also changes his mind a million times within a very short span of time – so the whiplash effect is neck-defying! I need to keep a chiropractor on speed-dial. This occurs periodically and I’ve finally learned not to panic but let the storm run its course until it fizzles out. It’s not that some of these notions are bad, but it’s the super-frenetic energy that terrifies me. This is why no “Male Primate” should have access to that “Red Button!”

On a smaller scale “Cliff Dive” – crossing a busy street with my primate can be suicidal. I’m a person that likes to walk a few feet to get to the intersection with these Blinking Walking Human Forms – clearly indicating when I can cross without being run over. But not my primate!! He grabs my hand and drags me at a loping run weaving amongst speeding cars with angry primate drivers – grunting for me to keep up! I like living by some basic sensible rules. Primates live for the thrill!!

8. How to Potty Train Your Primate – Not what you think – but there is always the “Toilet Seat” argument. It took years to train my primate to put the effing toilet seat down after peeing. It’s very rare now – but there is nothing worse than going to the bathroom in the middle of the night – with no lights on – and blindly free-falling to the freezing ceramic rim of the toilet. Even worse if your ass is smaller than its circumference. Unpleasant wake up call.

I won’t name names – but you know who you are!!! Some primates have horrible marksmanship and spray the walls around the toilet area every time they pee like they are in the Scarface movie – or they don’t hold their penis while peeing and let nature takes its course. Disgusting primates!! Luckily my primate uses physics and common sense when urinating and aims true! Thank GOD!!!

Housetraining your primate on home etiquette takes time and patience. I’m OCD and need my home neat, clean and everything in its place. Yelling and fuming only upsets you – and makes your primate dig in their prehensile feet. Show them by example. Give positive reinforcement and use treats as incentives (like my Rockets). Calmly and sweetly say, “What a good primate!!” Then give them a thorough scratch on the head or back and you have a happy and orderly household.

When your primate has a male companion over to play with tools, gently remind him to offer the other primate a beverage or banana. Being a good host sets him apart from the other primates.

9. How to Groom Your Primate – Carefully, so as not to offend! Every now and then you need to assist your primate in some “grooming tasks.” Areas they can’t reach, even with their long arms. They are hairy creatures, but societal pressures – expectations and ideals - controls the grooming of their hirsute monkey suit. Vanity prevails in conforming to societies demands. Purchase a quality razor and primate-scape kit. When they grunt for help – be calm and agreeable to shaving their back, arms, neck, ears and any other body part that needs mowing/trimming. Once again, give them a good scratch afterwards to let them know they look handsome!! BTW, I’m not excluding my own “Hair” issues – just read Chapter 12 in my book!!!

10. How to Stop Your Primate from “Ape-splaining!” – This is an almost incurable disease and will be my hurdle to overcome for the rest of my life. You must remind yourself that they believe with every hair-follicle of their being, that they are the smartest primate in the room. Often, they are right – but not always. One of my favorite self-quotes is, “Just because you’re educated, doesn’t mean you’re smart!!” I came up with this nugget due to all the “Ape-splaining” I’ve had to endure for 65 years!!! If I’m wrong or need help with something – I am the first one to admit defeat. But male primates will never relinquish their smart status. It can be mind-bendingly irritating – but since creation – it is their nature. Women's burden to bare!! BTW - If I want to bring my primate down a peg or two - I ask him how to spell a word. His eyes glaze over and he starts trying to spell it under his breath, sometimes using fingers like he's counting - only to admit he doesn't know how to spell "hirsute" and knuckles off to play with his tools. Small but gratifying victory.

The best way to deal with this? Don’t argue with Captain Obvious. Don’t waste your energy because they refuse to lose this game of intellect. I recommend you let them primate-ificate until they run out of steam. Nod occasionally, but once again, don’t commit. Once they feel safe that you’re convinced of their “Superior Primate Brain Dominance” – you are free to do whatever you want – because they have short attention spans. If it’s a major decision that affects you both – do your homework and spreadsheet them to death. Excel is your strategic line of defense. Primates don’t know how to type.

Remember this - men have what is known as - Mansplaining! A disease called, Correctile Dysfunction!

Here's another excerpt from my book – Sex (Less) Chapter 9:

Sex (Less) - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!!

Marrying a man 5 years younger was a great idea initially. He kept me young and was someone to take care of me in my old age—but, not so great during my menopausal years. No adult male understands a menopausal woman. Sorry, My Love! Luckily, it’s all worked out. I now carry Ed’s balls in my purse for my protection.

I have collected quotes from my husband, Ed, over the years that I call “Edisms.” He can be pretty funny in a bestial sort of fashion!! For example - while I was dancing around the living room along with the dancers in the musical we were watching, he told me, "You can be your own Flashmob!!" I’ll intersperse these witticisms throughout the rest of this blog! (BTW - my primate will occassionally watch a musical with me - hoping he'll "get lucky.")

One of my favorite stories of Ed - early on in our relationship - involves my new job - working for a particularly challenging primate. Ed was employed by WWF for many years (formerly known as the World Wrestling Federation – Now named WWE – the largest company of Primates in the World). It was a few months into this job when Ed started greeting me on the phone with sexual innuendos. Every time he called, he’d say, “What-cha wearin???” In a creepy, sexually suggestive grunt! Initially, I would giggle and think it was cute. But, one day I was running around like a lunatic, with a large group of female clients in attendance. I was in the middle of doing something when the office phone rang – but I was not near my desk. As my gut kicked in that this was about the time Ed calls me – I went into “nightmarish slow-motion running maneuvers” – pivoting to lunge for the phone – when I hear the ringing stop and the account exec saying, “Hello? (BIG PAUSE) I think you meant to call Colleen. Let me get her.” At this point, I knew it was Ed and I snatched up the phone fast and Ed said, “Oops! I thought it was you.” As I’m whisper/reaming him out – I hear every woman in the other room roaring with laughter. I told him that if he said that while I’m at work, ever again, I would castrate him - slowly!!! Lots of apologizing and laughing with the clients ensued. My boss-primate took it “barely okay” because the female clients reaction was one of humor and he didn’t want to look like an old kill-joy. Later, I ended up paying dearly for Ed’s childish shenanigans.

Ed and I also have nightly rituals. As I’m prepping for bed – changing from my comfy layered PJ’s into my comfy boxer-short and layered tee ensemble, Ed will leer at me and say, “Let me see the girls!!!” With a tolerant look on my face, I will flash him (to assuage the beast). The other night he said, “I’m going to name your breasts.” I said (sighed), “What will you name them Ed?” He thought for a couple secs and replied, “Left and Right.” This was unimaginative, so I said, “Why not call them the “Boobsey Twins.” That got a laugh and the moniker was settled. Secretly I call them the Blobbsey Twins.

Another bedroom ritual - every night after I’ve done all my OCD bedtime chores – I slither into my perfectly-made side of the bed. Out of the corner of my eye – I notice he is staring at me. I turn and say, “What? Something on my face?” He always replies, “No. Just admiring your beauty.” I must admit, he either loves me or he needs a better prescription. This is a man who calls me adorable when I’m wearing flannel pajamas, layers of tops, his huge jacket, baseball cap and wellies.

This is one of my sexier outfits! Love is Blind!!!

Love is blind! Please don’t think I’m not appreciative or not flattered with this affection – but I do have mirrors in my house!!!

Lately, Ed has been complaining about getting a bald spot. He can join me and my receding hairline!! The man is 60 and doesn’t have a wrinkle on his face (or knees). We often laugh that we could be siblings. Now I just look like his older sister (or Aunt)! I don’t understand why Ed thinks I get more beautiful with age when I’m starting to resemble a Shar Pei - only not as cute!

As I age - there is a definite resemblance!

I told him that I was going to make up matching tees with one of my sayings. The quote would be, “Sister with Benefits! Wink..Wink..”

The other night Ed turned to me and asked, “What’s going on in the land of weird?” I immediately start talking about the book I’m reading – which was weird – and then realized he meant something else – so I said, “Wait! What did you mean?” He said, “Your head! You are the Wizard of Weird!”

Humor is always my weapon of choice - to get through life. Two of my idols are Phyllis Diller and Carol Burnett. I know I've just aged myself, but they were/are genius women and comedians who were/are always smarter than any man in the room. Phyllis Diller was a unique, self-deprecating, outré comedian that often included her imaginary husband in her stage act/routine. She called him “Fang!” Many people thought she was talking about her real husband and when they divorced were upset that she left “Fang!” She was brilliant!!! I recently realized how much she influenced my own humor. Making fun of yourself and those closest to you makes perfect sense. It’s familiar (familial) territory – in my own imaginary TV show. In fact, I would be a shoo-in for casting in her biopic movie. We could be twins!!!

Carol Burnett is also a force of nature. Comedian, singer, actress! Another woman unafraid of making fun of herself and others. I religiously watched her TV comedy program, The Carol Burnett Show. I grew up with these icons and it formed so much of my humor and self-analysis. My motto: Make fun of yourself before others do. Neither woman was beautiful (just like me) in the traditional, societal fashion sense – but their real beauty lies in their intelligence, acuity and ability to make everyone laugh. They were strong influencers and I hope my humor has a trace of their genius!! This blog is an homage to both of them!

So, being a primate-ista has secured me an ape-man that loves me unconditionally and a full understanding of Fay Wray’s attraction to King Kong. Makes perfect sense now!!

BTW – to prove my primate theory - they have produced a TV Show for primates over 50 – The Golden Bachelor! This should take place in the jungle to make it more of a challenge!!!

Just for fun - I’m going to end this blog with a Cleaning Tip! Ed loves to watch YouTube videos of a wide variety of topics. He helps me by finding “Cleaning Tips.” A current one was mind-blowing. Did you know that there was a “trap” at the bottom of your washing machine – to catch all the dregs from your loads??? Well, I watched the video and immediately ran down to the laundry room to inspect my washing machine. About 2 years of laundry scum in one little TRAP!!! Disgusting and fascinating at the same time. Now I tell everyone to check their traps! My primate has added an additional contribution to our tiny society. Good Primate!

Walking off in the senior sunset!

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are my Super Hero’s!!!

My sister, Bridget, recently ended an email to me with a fantastic tag line - Women Ignite and Unite. I would love to chat with you about igniting and uniting about menopause or aging or anything you feel like getting off your chest. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without censure or interruption!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and I hope you have a safe and cheerful holiday! Let's all have a happy, healthy, safe and minimal drama New Year!

Wishing you Health, Happiness and Lots of Laughs!

Let’s be Friends!!!

Colleen McIntosh