Primates #2 - How to Live with Your Primate without Committing a Felony – I love my husband!

I love my husband! Las Vegas weddings are the best! Just don't lick my ear, Dude!

I’ve thought long and hard on this – “How do you bury a body without getting caught?” Since I haven’t figured out the perfect crime yet – then I’ll just have to cohabitate with my primate until I do or he agrees with everything I say!

It’s time for Primate Part 2 - which is an accumulation of “primate” euphemisms. I’ve been jotting down these Ape-isms - that have alternately confused, angered, shocked, amused and exhausted me – but are always great Blog material. I am a very lucky primate-ista!

This is Ed's - over the glasses look - which means, "Do I look stupid to you?"

To get you started, here is an excerpt from my previous Primate Blog:

“We’re of different species and often communication quickly breaks down. It’s like we are speaking alien languages that only our species understands. I don’t speak primate! I can sometimes interpret his hand signals and facial expressions for rudimentary needs and emotions – hunger, anger, boredom, irritation, happy, needy, sleepy, horny. They are simple creatures with basic primordial emotions. I give myself a 50/50 chance of getting his grunts right. I muse on the cosmic joke the universe is playing on us – pairing us together to propagate the world.”

I read this hand signal - loud and clear. "You're #1, Honey!"

As we all know – men (apes) consider themselves to be the smartest person in any room they enter. If my husband decides to pontificate on topics of which he knows nothing except that it exists and happens to be exclusively female related – he gets upset if I react with irritation. If he continues to regurgitate misinformation - then I’ve decided that I’m going to either dress him up in a shag wig, make-up, low-cut dress with 6 in. heels and a purse - OR - bury him in the backyard. His choice! 

Some examples of my primate’s presumed feminine side and dearth/lack of knowledge:

1.  How to select a purse – I’m not talking about the “Man Bag (purse)!” It takes a long time for me to find just the right purse. I typically search for a larger one, black, cross-body, with 101 pockets and zippered sections. I’ll stuff all my essential (bathroom sink) women stuff that I think is vital to have on hand for daily uses and emergencies. Twenty packets of tissues are crucial. I’ll finally shove that one “Thin Mint” into the overburdened bag until it mushrooms into a mini-nuclear meltdown of leather, zippers and way too much absurdity. Normally, I would spend money for quality leather and secure seams that will last me numerous years because once I find that perfect bag – I hold on to it for life until it begs me to put it out of its misery. But this time I decided to buy on The Google and selected a cheap knock-off. That way, I can avoid getting too attached (like most of my ex-boyfriends). I guess Ed is my “Forever Bag-Boy!” Anyway, I got a bigger purse – Hobo style. Ed was shocked that I bought a purse online (as was I – but I’ll never admit that). After I’d done my ritual changing of the bags with much fanfare, he insisted on seeing it in use. He made me sling it over my shoulder and said, “It’s bigger than you!!!” I immediately started defending my cheap purse and extoling all its virtues and zippers. I kept justifying my purchase until I realized – it’s none of his business. However, that didn’t stop him from giving me a lecture on how to buy and select a purse. He has a birthday coming up and I know just what to buy him for a present. A Primate Purse! 

This hat just won't die! My primates favorite! This was my 3rd attempt at repairing it!

2.  How to cure menopause – His cure, like most men, is that it doesn’t need a cure because it isn’t a real Health Issue. I am not going to embarrass him too much – but he did not think my mood swings were menopause health related. I was just being a crazy-ass bitch! My primate is not great at reading the room when I’ve reached maximum I'm-ready-to-blow. When I snap – he doesn’t realize that I won’t be the one jumping off the ledge – he’ll be assisted to leap. That’ll leave a bruise! 

This expression is one of pride and gratitude that I didn't murder him during menopause!

Since I’ve written a book about my Menopausal symptoms - he has learned a lot about menopause and the severity of women’s change of life and far more empathetic. Better late than never! It was hard on our relationship when I was in full-blown menopause – when I actually needed his support. Neither of us understood the implications of The Menopause. It is my mission to educate both women and primates - so no one dies!

3.  How to write and publish a menopause book – The only thing I have to say about this is – he’s read books, but never written one or published one. Why do men feel compelled to give advice on a topic that they have ZERO reliable input? Ears are meant for listening!

4.  How to write a women’s blog – Same as above only more ridiculous. Unless my husband has neglected to tell me an extremely important biological surgical procedure in his youth, then he, once again, knows nothing about writing a blog – let alone writing a blog about women and women issues. He was born of a woman and has friends/dates and married women – but IS NOT a woman. Leave the blogging to the professionals!

This is the only feminine (silly) pix I could find of Ed. All he needs is a cute purse and parasol!

Ed has only read 3 of my blogs – one being, “How to Communicate with your Primate!” I was nervous but knew that it was written with a lot of love – and humor (at his expense). He critiqued it – pointed out a missing word – and then proceeded to tell me how I should do my blog. I’ve written 20 and now he chimes in. He pontificated, “They’re too long! No one will read them. Your audience doesn’t have the patience to read all those words. Yes, it’s funny, BUT…..” etc. Once he finished his ape-sided conversation, I told “Evil Colleen” to put the knife down and decided how to best respond to the barely concealed insult to all womankind. I proceeded to explain all the research I did on Author Blogs, typical length, catering to my audience, threw in some SEO stats, etc. etc. etc. – he backed off. Men (apes) have limited attention spans – which is clearly who he was describing!

Ed's Boy Band album cover! Love his hair!! He's so dreamy!!

5.  How to cut my hair – I wrote a whole blog on my hair and the importance of hair in our (women's) culture. Ed is torn when it comes to women and their hair. Two of his “Wish List/Free Pass” actresses are Jennifer Aniston and Jamie Lee Curtis. He loves Jennifer Aniston’s long hair that can be styled a myriad of ways from pigtails, to ponytails, to long and flowing in the imaginary breeze (in slo-mo). He also loves Jamie’s short haircut which happens to be similar to my mine. However, when I go “too short” he isn’t as pleased. Personally, I would shave my head if I could work the bald look! But I leave enough hair to style and tend to prefer (stubby) short. When I come back from the salon – Ed is waiting for my grand entrance. If he likes it, he’ll say, “You look taller!” If he doesn’t, I hear dead crickets. I don’t tell him how to cut his hair – so why is he chiming in on mine? Hair is so personal and part of our identity. Hair makes or breaks your mood depending on its cooperation. Historically and psychologically – hair is power. So I propose my primate nod, smile and tell me I’m pretty after each haircut – OR – I’ll give my opinion on his mustache and beard, “Santa Clause is not a good look! Why do I hear banjos! Hurts, doesn’t it!!”

The irony is that without all my feminine hormones – I’ve basically turned into a man. Ed and I can exchange hair tips – thinning pate and facial hair grooming – Read Chapter 12 Hair - in my book. Ed’s lucky that his nose hair transitions smoothly into his mustache, or we’d be grooming together as well.

Film crew of alpha primates! Too cool to smile!

6.  How to select my glasses – Like haircuts, this is a tender topic. I like fun and unusual glasses and it takes forever to cull the 300 pairs I try on before nominating my next eye jewelry. The selection process is intense. My glasses, like my hair, are part of my identity and integral to my fashion strategy. They both tell a story of my choices in life. They also decrease the amount of makeup that I wear because they are my makeup. So, I am the only one who can honestly make this pricey and long-term (1-2 years) style-sensitive purchase. I bought a pair of glasses without his input once and he said the following, “If you keep these, I will not be able to look at you - ever.” He proved this statement when I tested them out around the house prior to getting my prescription filled. He stuck to his “gums” (yes gums) and did not make eye contact. I did not return them and purchased another pair to “his taste” – with a fury-filled core – and spitefully turned them into prescription sunglasses. He liked them as f**king sunglasses!!! 

Hard at work. Primates are adept at scaling ladders!

As I’ve aged into “Senior” and begun the shrinking phase of my elder years – I now must be careful what glasses I purchase. In trying on about 50 pairs in Warby Parker – I forget how tiny (petit) my head is which eliminated a lot that I really liked. I gradually narrowed down the likely candidates to the frames in the children’s section. Luckily, there were some adult choices that came in narrow, fit my pocket-sized cranium and accommodated my old lady, post-cataract “Readers” section. Initially, Ed wasn’t sure he approved. But then I noticed a facial cue that resulted in a leer as he said, “They make you look smarter, like a librarian. Mmmmmm….” Glad it worked out for him.

7.  How to dress while cleaning – I’ve already blogged about his choice in cleaning attire. French maid or dominatrix are the ensembles/costumes/cliches he prefers. I am considering including the dominatrix “activewear”, not only as cleaning garments but also training my husband to never express his opinion on my purse, writing, hairstyle, glasses or how to dress while cleaning - or he gets my professional dominant opinion in the form of my riding crop! Ed claims I am a dominatrix in attitude only. He just wants his daily dose of humiliation and degradation to include the sexy pleather full-body sex suit and 7-inch black laced heels for him to lick at my discretion. I think I’ll combine the two fantasies and speak French while I deliberate on the more sensitive parts of his very pert buttocks!!! Too much info?

One thing we agree on is - vacationing! He kept me safe from falling off the slippery giant's causeway!

As to my normal day-to-day raiment – he just wishes I’d wear less layers and show more cleavage. True red-blooded primate!

How about I show Ed and his film crew buddies - how to WORK!

8.   How to grocery shop, do laundry and clean – When he opens his mouth, all I hear is white noise (grunts) because I just don’t care.

Here are some daily nonsensical primate-isms I have to endure. One morning, while dressed, I was tugging and twisting my bra and mumbling about how it was irritating my

“old age spots” that set up roots along portions of my bra and strap paths – and he proceeded to regale me about some previous girlfriend who took him bra shopping (so now he was an expert on bras) and spewed what was wrong with the ones I have and what I should be purchasing. I was stunned, amused and curious why this popped into his head and the authority behind his discourse on women’s bras!!! Other than worshipping what bras contain or taking them off to ogle at the contents – what kind of expertise do apes have? He doesn’t even qualify for the “Fonzie bra snap” club. He’s only finger-snapped my bra off once and it was in an outdoor crowd at the fairgrounds. I was not amused but he was elated at his dexterity at humiliating me in public. If memory serves, he’s never worn one? I’ll take him bra shopping and make him try on a bunch to see if he prefers lacy, push-up, padded or athletic. He'll have to ask the female attendant to get him the correct sizes. If he was game to step into my combat boobs (bra) – then I’ll consider listening to his opinion and advice about bras!

I love my husband! He wears whatever silly birthday headgear I purchase for him!

Every time I talk to myself (which is an ongoing conversation 24/7) or frustrated at a project (which happens more often than not) or on the computer trying to figure something out (which is not easy for a tech challenged EMP) – he wants to interrupt my private conversation, take over the project and tells me to stop killing the computer so he can show me how it’s done - correctly. He ape-splains and offers advice all the time whether I want it or like it. If he shows me how to do something - he mumble-talks and quickly does the deed without any step-by-step guide. For example, if it’s tech-related, he’ll say “Just play around with the computer and you’ll figure it out on your own.” My personality doesn’t work that way – I want a written down explanation from A to Z so I don’t f**k anything up. I want to do something once not 100 times. Also, if I need help – I will ask!!! I know he’s smart – but stop assuming I’m not! If I don’t take his advice – then I’m hurting his feelings. I can’t win! A couple days ago, we were having a heated argument about computer related issues and the above topic and I said with frustration, “All I want is to understand each step so I don’t mess up – especially if you aren’t around to help fix it.” He replied with emphatic energy, “I hate it when you don’t trust your instincts. You are smart – smarter than you think.” It shut me up – because that was the first time he acknowledged (sort of complimented) my brain. Huh!

Love this pix of Ed on our Pacific Coast holiday!

Of course, he was looking the wrong way!!

I think my husband is ADHD, not medicated and assumes he is in control of it. When he first wakes up or is bored – he paces and jumps from topic to topic, tells me what I should do on every aspect of my life, plans my day, won’t leave me alone, interrupts me constantly and spews words like they are magical nuggets of interest and wisdom. He thinks this ADHD activity is useful and important and I’m an idiot if I don’t agree or marvel at his superior massive brain. I need coffee before I am assailed with his genius and often annoyed. When I wake up, I want quiet. I spend my gradual awakening as a time for thought, reflection and stumbling to the fridge for my vat of iced coffee. I am assaulted in the early hours with Ed’s intense enthusiasm, Tater’s whining and Rey’s meowing demands. I’ve read that writers tend to be more internal upon waking up – and reserve their energy for the brain reboot they got from sleep – because they are more creative upon waking. Example: I love crossword puzzles. I can be completely stymied the night before by a crossword clue but if I look at it in the morning I see the answer very clearly. Your brain is refreshed in the AM and ready for action. But it’s a slow burn wake up – not a “let’s have a parade” wake up like my husband’s. It's cerebral not active – with the exception of making coffee!

Ed selected a hip new restaurant - that serves no food! All the "rage"!!

My primate’s diet method is cutting out meals. Our metabolism drastically changes as we age and you have to adjust your eating and movement to accommodate your slower cell-pace. He won’t listen to my 65 years of weight and health related wisdom - which is exercise, cut down on quantity/portion size and eat more vegetables/roughage. Don’t eliminate but cut back. Don’t eat a box of T Joe’s Rockets – have a handful. Don’t eat a pint of vanilla ice cream, eat half. Have a banana for the love of God!! He cuts out meals - which means – he is Fungry (f**king hungry) and unpleasant to deal with. Eggshells are laid down on the kitchen floor for me to carefully navigate his diet plan. He often hides in the woodshop which terrifies me – what with all the sharp implements and electric machinery with sharp teeth and hungry for fingers. He watches me work out daily – but it’s only to stare at my butt when I’m in a Downward Dog position! 

Primate bonding with our dog!

My primate is a good cook, but this includes sloppy ingredients flying and hot oil spattering. He chops with fervor, glee and acts like the chaos improves the end result. Cleanup is laughable. Not to disparage toddlers, but he is on a par with their level of cleaning skills. At least he doesn’t finger paint with his poop! My husband can’t boil water without making a mess! It’s his superpower! After I spit-shine clean the kitchen each week – I have deemed this day as, “No Fry Thursday.”

Ed (on the right) looks like a demonic altar boy!

He's not allowed to cook on Thursday because inevitably he chooses frying or sautéing on my detailed shiny stovetop. Is it on purpose??? I suspect there is a little boy inside that adult body with evil intent. It took years of training but now he’ll come into the kitchen as I’ve just finished cleaning – open the fridge and say, “Hmmm…I think I’ll fry some eggs.” As I whip my head around (Exorcist style) and open my mouth to blow off his head with my words – he turns laughing. I hate him sometimes! I hate me for being so gullible!

Watching TV together is fun, but I’m becoming my mother and slowly believing the TV can talk back to me. Drives Ed nuts. I must monitor this evolving behavior very closely, so it doesn’t become the norm. Sorry mom, but this is a very irritating habit. 

When Ed decides to start a project and it’s not necessarily the best time to do so, it becomes a sweat-induced debate. For example: starting a massive project like repointing the entire front stone porch (and the siding) while also assuming I’ll be participating. I was out sick the day they taught the masonry class. He wants me to do as many handy-man projects with him as possible. Isn’t that his primate job?

Primate like to sand and cut out circles! Hurt primate ears! Hoo hoo hah ooh ha!

I’m no mason, carpenter, roofer, machinist, plumber, electrician, etc. and yet he insists. He wants me to be involved in all these home repairs – but also needs me to do so - because apparently, we are attached at the hip. Actually, I don’t mind learning how things work and how to repair the basics – but some things should be left for my primate or better yet - a professional!

The ongoing battle of the muddy dog. I’ll clean all day and he’ll let Tater in 10 min. after I’ve collapsed on the couch to rest my back. I’ll scream when a muddy dog flies through the room. Like the time I stripped (not clothing) and laid down 3 layers of wax on our floor in the kitchen which took me two days. It looked fantastic! Let me rephrase that – it did look fantastic until I stupidly went to pee. When I came out of the bathroom I heard commotion in the kitchen. I found Ed playing with our dogs – with their favorite ball – making them go in circles to catch it. Think about it for just a moment! He destroyed all my work in less than 5 minutes. A big circle of running dog nails deflating my soul. I did not blame the dogs – I blamed the big ape with the dog toy and his lack of humanity.

How many Grips does it take to guard one crane? I love film crew pictures!! They are HOT!

Men are as vain or more so than women. For example: beards, picky about their favorite brand of flannel shirts and jeans, weight gain, hats, tattoos, etc. They have their preferred “uniform” that they maintain is for comfort only. Don't be fooled by their nonchalance!

Example of primate fashion! Glorious specimen!

They pretend they're blasé or put any effort into their wardrobe or waist size – but they’re deceiving no one! Ed professes he doesn’t care what he looks like when he gets dressed – but I know his “manly fashion statement” has been honed to best show off his laid-back, I’m too cool to care approach - to evoke envy with the other primates in his social system. They have no idea how smart women are and how obvious they are. Silly primates! Ed makes fun of my footwear display and I make fun of his coat fetish. It all balances out in the end!

Primates might be hairier, but gravity affects them differently. Since they don’t lose estrogen and progesterone – they don’t have the elasticity issue that we women do.

Ed has less wrinkles because he's too cool to smile!

Like a cracked windshield, wrinkles appear and expand into a map of misery on our (my) faces, chin line sagging into a jowl-ing mass of humiliation, boobs sag into de-feet (yes, I meant to spell it that way) and the ass weeps into our thighs. I hate men and their ability to hold onto youth - mentally and physically.

I told him that I was thinking of turning my blogs into a book – albeit when I have 400 pages or so. Women have told me I should make it my next book. Ed questioned that notion and grunted a few criticisms. Then, a dull lightbulb went off in his brain and he did a complete reversal and proudly expounded, “I think you should wait until you have a large quantity of blogs and turn them into a book!” I was perplexed by this conversation and whiplash U-turn because that’s what I just said, and he obviously wasn’t listening to me! Men have dyslexia when it comes to women speaking! It’s a strange phenomenon that I have never been able to understand. We speak the same language – English – but in his (man/ape) banana-brain he is apparently hearing it in Romulan and poorly translating and butchering my words into Ape-lish. I believe women need to create a book of basic interpretations for men - called - “Women-Speak for Dum-Dum Primates.” Words and phrases to assist your ape-splaining mate how to communicate properly with you and all women-kind.

Ed in his 20's - working for WWF! A circus of big apes and very popular with wanna-be chimps!

Primates don’t like their mistakes or asinine decisions aired to the world outside their habitat. Women (me) have no qualms about airing our own dirty laundry as well as our partner’s (read my book). We don’t spill everything – but it’s very common to vent our frustrations to our understanding and empathetic feminine comrades.

Last year's birthday - Baby Yoda Ears! I love it!

Most of us must live with and endure our primates ego-centric personality disorders – of never being wrong or never making mistakes. I love it when my primate fails and graces my stratum (a primate lower on the food chain). It makes him more human - not ape.

I love my husband, Ed! He is my primate for life! His many attributes qualified him as the one man to warm up my cold black heart – like no other could. He’s handsome (good genes), intelligent (a vacuum for learning and I LOVE vacuums), creative (music, design, gardening, woodworking), funny (thanks to me), trustworthy (with much chagrin from one of my alter egos – Darla Darkside – an amoral lying bitch), and so many more glowing qualities. He has loved me unconditionally even when I tested his sincerity repeatedly. I love my husband and I can’t imagine life without him. Not to say that he doesn’t piss me off. I occasionally measure his body mass and test the backyard for potential digging sites. My fear is that Tater will dig him up! Big chew toy!

Ed wine. Full bodied, acidic with a hint of coffee grounds!

Edisms – cute primate moments:

We were watching one of our YouTubers and the question was asked “What kindness have you done today that made someone happy?” I asked my husband, “What kindness have you done today, Ed?” He replied without hesitation, “I didn’t kill anyone.” Good answer?

I was watching a show and told Ed, “You know, this show starts out as a funny and light-hearted comedy and then turns gruesomely violent in the blink of an eye. Crazy!” Ed replied, “Huh…just like you.” I had no witty response – but just said, “Huh…I can’t disagree! (pause) True dat.” 

There are times when Ed and I are in the kitchen – I’ll start talking to him and realize I keep pausing because he is loudly blowing his obviously over-stuffed nose. Then I realize he’s timing his proboscis honking each time I open my mouth to talk.

Good looking Ape!

As I turn to prove my suspicion – he is laughing. He gets me every time! My man-child is best at toddler humor!

Typing with 2 hands is magical to my primate. His vast cerebral cortex is in awe with my ability to multi-task at the keyboard. He’ll stand over my shoulder and watch with admiration at my dexterity and that I am typing without looking at my hands. Typing with 2 index sausage fingers is challenging for many primates. My skill elevates me to god-like status when typing!

Reassuring your Primate is key to a harmonious relationship. Saying, “I Love You” is like giving him a BJ or batch of Italian Ricotta Cookies! Love soothes his savage breast/beast. It makes both of you feel good and creates harmony in your private jungle!

Contemplating the meaning of life - making me happy!

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I would love (I’m really begging you) to get some reviews posted by the wonderful people who purchased or were gifted my book. If you could take a moment and post a review on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Good Reads, Bookbaby Bookshop &/or your social media platforms - I would be ever so humbled and grateful. I'll send you my recipe for Italian Ricotta Cookies! I’m typing this on bended knees!

Thank you to the wonderful women (and one man) who have reviewed my book on Amazon, B&N and Good Reads. I'm so grateful!

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!

Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite! 

We discovered these sand glyphs at the beach!

Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your friends, family and strangers!

Let’s be Friends!!

Colleen McIntosh