An Ode to Odd Aunts! Never #1 but Proud to be #2 or 3 or 4...!

My Great Aunt Viola was a maverick! Despite having only one earring - she posed with pride!

The main image I chose for this blog is my Great Aunt Viola. A one-of-a-kind woman who decided to have her picture taken by a local professional, but only had one earring - and decided one was better than nothing! She wrote on the back of the picture, "Best gift ever only one ear ring Church Pitcher" Aunt Viola never used punctuation and the worst speller - but hilarious and my favorite Aunt!!

Aunts are highly underestimated and underrated – especially when they’re sick! More on that later!

I’m not only an Aunt but a Great Aunt! I'm great fun but also a great pain in the ass.

Aunts can be a confidante, quasi-parent, mentor, role model, safety net, supporter or just a loud crazy woman who visits on occasion.

Being the Middle Child of 5 puts me in a unique position age-wise. I am ready for all my siblings to call on me to assist in distracting their children and children children's!

Definition of Aunt: (I pronounce it änt – rhymes with gaunt or daunt): "The sister of one’s father or mother or the wife or female partner of one’s uncle."

Informal definition: "An unrelated adult female, especially of a child. Legal definition: The sister of one’s father or mother, and a relation in the third degree, correlative to niece or nephew."

Wow! Those definitions seem to convey detachment and irrelevance. If you look up the “significance of an aunt” – you get the following: "An aunt listens objectively, provides real life advice and does not turn it into a lecture. Aunts are great mediators for children, whether “terrible twos” or their “rebellious teenager” stage. Mothers, daughters, fathers and sons are bound to clash at some point." Then why does no one ask me to mediate or spew pearls of wisdom? Apparently, no one knows the significance of an AUNT or else my “pearls” are FAKE!

My official "Certified Beankeeper" badge of honor! I cherish those "Beans!"

My personal definition of an aunt is: "An aunt (me) is a sibling’s sister who is childless and the only childless member of the (our) family unit – who is always available for their nieces and nephews, no matter the distance - but rarely needed. An aunt is meant for comic relief and cuddles when requested. Aunts are desperate for affection and traumatized when rejected. Aunts are not a part of the sibling’s family inner circle but clings to the periphery and accepts the scraps thrown their way" That kind of sums it up!! (Note: no ill intention directed to any sibling or children of sibling in this self-defined pathetic diatribe)

Famous Aunts in history and film/TV and fame – 

Auntie Mame - the musical “Mame” – unconventional, outré, creative, selfish, low self-esteem but desperate for someone to love and nurture

Auntie Em - “Wizard of Oz” – staid, strong, solid but tired

Aunt May - “Spiderman” – cool, loving, unwavering and mom

Aunt Bea - “The Andy Griffith Show” – OCD, authoritative, house police, cook, cleaner and unmarried, childless

Aunt Jackie - “Roseanne/The Connors” – funny, wacky, unable to live up to older sister and low self-esteem

Aunt Patty & Selma - “The Simpsons” – tough, grumpy, happily childless, alcoholic, smoker and hard as nails sarcastic

Aunt Lydia - “The Handmaid’s Tale” – passive aggressive, lonely, liar, unhappy, cruel, punisher and succubus for rich white men in power

Aunt Clara - “Bewitched” – hilarious, discombobulated, eccentric, befuddled, distracted, perplexing and flabbergasting - closest character description of “ME” but I have most of the other Aunt traits (except Aunt Lydia!!).

My fav breakfast sandwich from The Nest! I became a regular!!

I took a siesta from blogging for a month because I was enlisted by my niece and nephew to be Babysitter Number 2 in Maine for two weeks. I was Aide-de-camp to my sister - Nana to two toddlers – ages 4 & 2. This mission – which I chose to accept – was a harsh lesson in reality. Aging is the enemy of youth. The expression, "It takes a village...." is apt. We had five women in the house at one point and still chaos reigned! I was given a mouthful of humble pie during my two-week mission. I was barely able to fulfill my obligation after catching the "Bangor Flu/Cold” on day three and it made the tot-post much harder than it should have been. I’ve been home for four days and still not fully recovered. Age and a lingering illness have brought me down a peg or two. My sister texted me yesterday, “I think 69 is the new tired.” I agreed that (at 66) it’s never taken this long to recover (ill or not). I also woke up in the middle of the night a couple days ago weeping. Not to disturb Ed, I got up and went to the bathroom and sobbed while sitting on the toilet. I don”t know why – but I suspect I was crying because my babysitting was sub-par and as a result, less fun for my great nieces, not as helpful to my sister, sad for my lost youth and some personal life decisions/regrets thrown in for fun. 

Pumpkin Cornbread!!! Heaven in my mouth!! Smokey's BBQ Bangor Maine!! Fan-tabulous!!

Also, my sister and I spent our birthdays babysitting. The kids enjoyed the cupcakes! I sang "Happy Birthday to Us" silently because I'd lost my voice and we couldn't have cared less about growing a year older!

Fantastic homemade coffee ice cream, apple donuts and maple syrup!! It was freezing out but that didn't stop us!! Treworgy Farms!

Elsie was a Princess from birth! My doodle of her curly royal avatar!

My new name was: “That Woman!” For the first few days, I kept hearing, “Who’s “That Woman?” “Why is “That Woman” still here?” “Can you tell “That Woman” to come play with me?” etc. At first I couldn't figure out who they were talking about. I eventually admitted they were referring to me and I commandeered my niece, Dani, to explain my position in the family structure and teach the tots my real name, “Aunt Colleen” or “Auntie 2.” Dani is Auntie 1 (and deservedly so). We blew their little minds when I said that I was their Nana’s (Bridget’s) younger sister. They probably thought I was the eldest! They finally got my name right – but it wasn’t set in cement. The 2-year-old doesn't handle "L's" very well.

Lottie's hair had a life of its own! My doodle of this unique and adorable tot!

I was devastated when I woke up with a sore throat on day three. The “Bangor flu/cold” began in the throat and then gleefully migrated to my sinus’s and also included my chest/lungs for shits and giggles. I may have contracted this disease from the long flight up to Maine – but both tots were part-way through their version. My mild fever kindly broke day four but my other symptoms included - sensitive skin, achy, constant blowing unimaginable viscous fluids from my nose, nose bleeds after an enthusiastic dance to “Let it Go – from Frozen” with my 2-year-old great niece, continuous coughing (especially at night), dizziness, blacked out after twirling my great nieces around 20 times, lost my voice for 3 days and then vocalized like a squeaky-toy for 6 more. I lost my sense of humor until the last two days of babysitting and sick right up to leaving for another long-delayed flight home. To add insult to injury, I got an “unmentionable” on my lip two days after I arrived home, was told by my dentist that I need a crown replaced and I got my annual jury summons for the holidays! I’m pretty much over the plague that befell me in Maine – but it took 4 days to recover from the trauma of being ill during my precious visit with my sister, niece, mom, cousins and especially the two rarely seen great nieces. My sobbing on the toilet was probably from being pissed off that I contracted a lengthy illness and it’s affecting/undermining the time spent with all the people I love while in Maine. It sucked being sick and horrible timing. I can’t afford to fly up to Maine whenever I want, so I have high expectations for those annual visits. I didn’t feel well – but I used all my meager resources to help babysit my two beautiful nieces and to take up the slack for my beautiful sister.

Baby Hedgehog! Adorable!! Just another doodle of Lottie cuteness!

I failed at robot-teeth-brusher (too hard to explain). It took me two weeks to understand that toddlers prefer doing everything by and for themselves and get very cranky if you try to help. Always let them win at Candyland, dodge ball, red light/green light - any game. When there is a melt-down – don’t make eye contact and quietly back out of their personal space. Ignore the insults and rejections. When they decide to scream/squeal with ear-shattering delight – just smile while your ears bleed and your mind turns to mush - while also remaining erect and not collapsing into a fetal position. Cherish every unsolicited hug and kiss - store it away to relive over and over while sobbing on the toilet! 

The most challenging and yet fascinating observation was their obsession with Band-Aids. The first time the 4-year-old took a tumble and skinned her knees was traumatizing but she recovered quickly once she had the box of designer Band-Aids in her little grip. The 2-year-old was hovering while exclaiming that she too needed a Band-Aid. The box of preciious Band-Aids was dumped onto the rug and the boo-boos (real or imaginary) were sufficiently covered for the next half hour! This activity periodically popped up if they assumed they had a “wound” when they tripped or tumbled. One of the imagined boo-boos did not result in a bloody mess but the 4-year-old insisted she needed a Band-Aid. The 2-year-old said, “No blood, no Band-Aid.” Shocking coming from that adorable little mouth and hilarious at he blunt triage analysis! Apparently, this preoccupation with sticky cartoon designed bandages has been an ongoing discussion in this household. I voiced my suspicions to my sister that there must be a hidden closet somewhere filled to the rafters with boxes of Band-Aids to assuage the veteran tots. There’s an idiom: “A hill you’re willing to die on!” that applies here. My sister called it, “Band-Aid Hill!” The adults decided that the Band-Aid frenzy was NOT a hill we wanted to die on!!

Toddlers are a tough crowd, but I was so happy and thrilled (inside) to be spending time with them. My primary goal was and is for them to know my name. 

What I took away from this two-week assignment? I’m essentially at the Pre-K level with my limited knowledge of babysitting toddlers and how to handle and understand the mindset of two intelligent little ladies. I resorted to using the 4-year-old as my personal translator for the 2-year-old. I was useless but did my best considering I was ill and ill-equipped for this job.

My first time at a trampoline park. Back of the pack and cautious!

We did have a lot of fun adventures – seeing them in their school environment and blossoming, toy store shopping, pumpkin picking, goat-feeding, ice cream bliss, tasty home-cooked meals, fantastic BBQ and lobster roll meals, movie/TV time (Frozen and Bluey), chicken feeding, daily art projects, trampoline park/warehouse bouncing amok (including adults), visits to Nana’s (sister) and Grampy’s cool Halloween decorated apartment, more ice cream bliss, gymnastics (the 4-year-old is really good at it), grocery shopping toddler chases, spending time with my sister on our birthdays and Spirit Halloween shopping with scares and giggles. Fun times!

Scary fun going in but I stopped laughing when I realized I had to get out!

Stage 1 of crawling from a nerf pit!

Stage 2 was even harder because it kept sucking you back in!

Stage 3 was a small victory of aging humiliation!

Never underestimate toddlers. My two great nieces are a force of nature and wield unnatural abilities of mind-melding acuity. I decided early on – if you can’t beat ‘em then just do their bidding – and all will be copacetic! At 66, sick and with defenses weakened – I bowed to their fierce and extraordinary natures. They wore Princess outfits daily for God's sakes – so how could I NOT bend the knee!!

Toddlers are scary smart these days – without TV and social media influences – too opinionated and too darn cute!!! If I’d pushed back – I would have been eaten up and spit out like the cold noodles with sesame sauce I made – and they didn’t approve of. I decided that my inability to bear children was a sign that I couldn’t have handled a toddler (let alone a teen) and was meant to be childless. I will carry the mantle of Aunt with pride and relief! The toddlers are running the asylum and the elderly (staff) must obey!!

Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. All they had to do was smile at me and I melted. Those moments of acknowledgement became my “Crack.” I just hope it’s not two years before the next invitation. I’m desperate for them to know me. Also, my memory retention is a menopausal and aging issue! I want to remember too!! Plus, I’d be close to 70 for the next babysitting adventure!! I’ve begun training camp for this potential invitation!

FYI – per parental instructions – I am not posting pictures of my great nieces (except my doodle drawings). Social media rules apply, and I always abide by their restrictions. I have only provided photos of adults (me) if applicable.

Aunts do provide a service in every family unit. Not necessarily in the higher echelon of hierarchy but still valuable as a fill-in. I have many aunts – 5 from my parents – and many great aunts (of which I know only a portion). I love all of them (except Aunt Celia-see previous blog) but I do have a favorite. My Great Aunt Viola. I personally strive to be like her and step into her worn farmer footwear. Maybe one of my nieces and nephews will opt for me as their “favorite aunt” and hope to follow in my black combat boots. I may not have kids, but I certainly act like one. I would hope that one will be encouraged to try acting, singing and/or writing. Comic relief is my specialty, and I have some hilarious nieces and nephews! 

I got one of her coveted braided rugs! So proud!!

Aunt Viola is a character and one-of-a-kind human being. She’s hilarious even when she’s not intending to be. Her personal chronicles are legendary. She was larger than life, brash, outspoken, exuberant, funny, passionate and unapologetic for being herself. She was a unique individual - full of life and love. She was even funny when she was angry. Aunt Viola had a contagious giggle, an enthusiasm for being alive and a robust outlook on being self-sufficient. Her spirit will live on in our hearts. She collected frogs – in the ceramic family (I have two of her Frog S&P's). She would make you homemade donuts when you visited. She braided rugs out of all left over material and clothing. We all coveted her rugs and honored if given one. She was religious but ribald. She would help anyone in need and give you the shirt off her back and not care if she was only wearing a bra (or no bra). I adored her. We all adored her. When Bridget and her family moved to Northern Maine and lived next door to her – Aunt Viola became their substitute grammy. They took care of each other and relished the close relationship built by proximity. Her hoarse, loud voice made us all smile because she was endless entertainment and joy. Was she perfect? No – but her imperfections made her special and if she wasn’t always current and sometimes non-PC – then she was open for debate while still maintaining her core values and respecting yours. I miss her whimsy but cherish knowing such a unique, strong woman. 

My mom and sister have more stories than I do – but I’ll relate a couple that encapsulate her quirkiness and her joie de vivre. 

Story 1: Aunt Viola drove a pickup truck. But it was in the shop due to her erratic driving (see stories below). She loved her independence. She borrowed a neighbors red family car to go grocery shopping. They were very nice and trusting people. She could be a bit scattered at times. I think (like me) that her mind was always racing and sometimes made her forgetful in her older age. She went to the grocery and upon returning to the red car – found one and got in – doors already unlocked. She was a little surprised that they had automatic seatbelt fasteners - but shrugged it off. There were keys in the ignition – so she started the car and took off in a cloud of dust. When she got home the neighbors asked her where their car was? She replied, “Out front in the driveway!” They said, “That’s not our car!!” Viola also had their keys in her purse – but didn’t even consider she’d taken the wrong car – they were both red!! The neighbors proceeded to call the police, but they had already been alerted by the irate person who had their car stolen in the grocery parking lot. In the meantime, my sister talked to Viola, and she said, “I hope that the cop who stopped me for speeding through Washburn last week isn’t the one who comes for the red car!” Bridget told her not to mention that particular incident. The minute the cop arrived, Aunt Viola screeched, “Hey, you’re the cop who stopped me for speeding in Washburn last week!!” (Sigh) The cop knew Aunt Viola and not surprised but sorted things out for her – sans jail time.

Note – growing up - people from northern Maine left their cars unlocked, keys in the ignition and their homes unlocked. I’m surprised more cars weren't accidentally "stolen" every day!!

Story 2: During a snowstorm or snowy roads, Aunt Viola went off the road and hit a telephone pole, backed up and kept on driving. Shortly after, she ran into my Grandparents in town and they took one look at her and asked with much concern, “Viola, are you okay? You have glass in your hair and blood on your face!!” Apparently, Viola had slammed her head into the windshield and never noticed the massive cracked and broken glass!! She was a terror on the roads of Northern Maine – especially to herself!

Story 3: The woman’s club was meeting at my sister, Bridget’s, for a Halloween costume party. Viola was running late, but so excited to show off her handmade costume to the ladies. She squealed into Bridget’s driveway and ran into the house. They were all having a great time when Kelly (cousin) arrived and asked, “Is that pickup truck on the front lawn part of your Halloween decorations?” No – Aunt Viola had forgotten to put her truck in park! BTW – her pickup truck was stuck on their front lawn or in their ditch a few times!!!

Story 4: Aunt Viola was driving to church one Sunday, when the car behind started beeping and then pulling up alongside her truck. She was getting mad at this irritating driver (who she knew) and refused to let them pass. She eventually squealed into the church parking lot with the car following right behind. The reason – the other driver had seen her rear tire fly off and she kept driving with three wheels!! They were trying to help! She never even noticed the wonky driving! Wonky being the operative word for Aunt Viola!

There are so many stories – but you see the pattern emerging – because a lot of the stories involved her unique (dangerous) driving skills! They kept renewing her license every year – so who’s to blame?

L to R - Aunt Linda, Mom, Great Aunt Anita (Auntie), Great Aunt Viola and my beautiful Grandmother Doris! My favorite bathing beauties!

I need to make honorable Aunt mentions: Aunt Linda who was funny, full of energy, sweet and my Mom’s best friend. Aunt Molly who is only 6 years older than me and who I love like a sister. Aunt Isabel who was my Dad’s sister, full of life, love and a phenomenal cook who never stopped smiling and also gave great hugs! More Aunts – Claudia, Amber, Auntie, Betty, Rhoda and much more.

I believe I’m the only Aunt who had no children in my family. But I know quite a few women who are in the Childless Club but are fantastic Aunts! We serve an important purpose. We visit on occasion but not too often, are always helpful, distract the nieces and nephews to give Mom a break, distract the husband to give Mom a break, help cook &/or clean up after meals, lend an ear and a hug, make everyone laugh by making a fool of ourselves to make them all feel smarter, do laundry and after not overstaying our welcome – leave everything neat and tidy as if we’d never been there. 

I know that I haven't always been a "great" aunt to all my nieces and nephews much to my regret – but I hope to be better. Living far away from all of them is tough. But I love them all so much and wish them fulfilling, joyous and prosperous lives. I have 13 nieces and nephews (adults) and 14 great nieces and nephews. I really hope I got that count right!!

Aunts are people too. We are a part of the family. We often play a significant role (or not) for the entire Tribe. This blog is an Ode to Odd Aunts! We are not just "That Woman" - we are AUNT!

My sister's Skeleton having coffee! Best halloween decorations EVER! Happy Halloween!!

If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 33 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent. 

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