Growing Up Middle(ing)! Part 1 - Middle Child Syndrome - I love you Enough!

Just a normal day in the life of Colleen - the middle child!

After I wrote about my Menopausal Journey and flummoxed my way through the publishing and marketing process – I planned on writing my next book about being the middle child of five. We all have distinct personality traits – based on the family infrastructure – but middle children have a unique distinction that sets them apart from the traits that form us within this hierarchy and from the normal/sane world. I believe that Middle Children are the uniquely challenged siblings. The crazy, screwed up ones. Their patented peculiarities either qualify as genius or serial killer – or both. 

I read some (psycho)logical birth order diagnoses that makes sense if you're talking about a family unit of 3 children. But once you scale up the size of your family - the Older, Middle and Youngest theory becomes far more complex and the psychobabble becomes debatable/obsolete. For example – if you have 6 children – who is the “middle child?” In my family – we have 5 siblings. There is a clear distinction of who is oldest, middle and youngest – but what about the other 2 that are in-between? 

In 1971 flapper dresses were all the rage in northern Maine!

Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychotherapist, developed the first birth order theory. Depending on your birth ranking – his theory suggested that certain personality traits were common – including education, career success and life outcomes. Examples of personality traits:

Firstborn – more intelligent, controlling, conscientious, cautions, reliable, achiever, structured

Middle Child – competitive, rebellious, peacemaker, people pleaser, social butterfly

Youngest Child – spoiled, fun-loving, attention-seeking, outgoing, self-centered

In reading through some of these analyses I decided that when it comes to my family, there are only one or two traits that might apply (Firstborn, Middle, Youngest), but I think there are too many variables that we need to consider before judgement:

A.  Who are your parents?

B.  What is your social status/finances?

C.  When were you born?

D.  Where did you grow up in your formative years?

E.  How many years apart in age are the siblings?

F.  Male vs. Female (because we ALL know that makes a big difference)?

All these questions significantly affect each child’s personality and choices in life. 

If this baby only knew what was to come - Head Weirdo! BTW - I had a large head when I was young!

I’ll break my family down into a simple pecking order of personality attributes (and peculiarities) with gender classification (because gender puts a whole new spin on this experiment). I’ve also decided to include an additional layer of designation with my “Seven Dwarf” theory:

I am third born - the second girl - surrounded by males. It was inevitable that I evolved into head weirdo! I am an observer of the absurd - especially when I look into a mirror!

First Born (F) – Reliable, Conscientious, Intelligent, Achiever, Thoughtful, Leader, Popular, Wishes she was an only child – Dwarf analogy = Doc

Second Born (M) – Studious, Controlling, Intelligent, Combative, Generous, Self-Contained, Judge/Jury/Executioner – Dwarf analogy = Grumpy

Third Born (Guess Who?) – People-Pleaser, Obsessive-Compulsive, Attention-Grabber, Worrier, Dreamer, Needy, Creative, Hyper, Low Self-Esteem, Psychotic – Dwarf analogy = Dopey (on cocaine or Satan's Baby Powder)

Fourth Born (M/F - Just kidding!) – Rebellious, Social Animal, Independent, Self-Destructive, Loyal, Outgoing, Party til you Drop – Dwarf analogy = Happy

Fifth Born (M) – Peacemaker, Taciturn, Conscientious, Cautious, Kind, Dreamer, Secretly a Spy – Dwarf analogy = Bashful

My parents stopped at five – meaning – my mom stopped at five! They never birthed a sleepy or sneezy!

We were put to work as soon as we could walk! I'm off to the potato fields!

Originally, as I was figuring out what title my next book would wear on its cover – to catch readers attention - I started with “Growing Up Middle!” Then it morphed into the following options:

Growing Up Middling!

Growing Up Meddling!

Growing Up Maudlin!

Growing Up Muddling!

Growing Up Manic!

Growing Up Melodramatic!

Etc. etc. etc.

It was a work in progress depending on my mood that given day. Part of being a middle child is your multiple personalities - arguing with yourself(selves) about your every decision!

First Birthday! Apparently, I wished for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder!

Hi, I’m Colleen – I am a note addict! Note taking has been my drug of choice since I was able to hold a crayon. I don't recall my siblings having this particular quirk. I’ve been keeping an ongoing folder of old notes, recent notes, post-it notes, ripped out pages of notes, etc., based on my now normal routine of writing (or even jotting down my daily to-do lists) – any blank piece of paper at hand became an idea for my book or blog (or cleaning chores). My notes were a big part of my Middle Child book - which I will share throughout this blog - and future MC blogs.

Front of note - ending with Mike on a trike getting run over. Disguising my evil intent never crossed my mind!

Back of note - ramblings of a deranged toddler!

Not very organized or logical, but that’s the way my brain works (exhausting). After publishing and freaking out about my first book and all the challenges that most authors face – I finally felt like diving into the next one. Self-torture is another MC criterion.

I decided to research how many books were written about this family strata conversation – and screamed when I scrolled through 20 Google pages on this topic. It never ended. So, I decided to change course and topic.

My older brother was obviously my nemesis! I just wish I had learned to spell better!

Psychotic comes to mind when I read this note. Front and back ravings of an unhinged middle child!

My mother, in her wisdom, kept files on each of us as we grew up and then gave back to us when we moved on. My file was somewhat disappointing because it did not include school accolades but instead included many notes that I’d left her – outlining my daily demands. Yes, demands! No, I’m not kidding – DEMANDS!!!

Please carefully read this insane note to my mother. I laugh and cry every time!

She thought they were hilarious and worthy to keep. Of course, when I was asked to read them out loud (cornered and forced to share my sins) in front of a crowd of siblings and relatives – I gave a fantastic performance – but wept inside. I was a monster, but my mother loved me anyway. Thus began my journey carrying my notes (albatross) around my neck and planning their future application – a book outlining my trespasses and begging my mother’s forgiveness. But those notes had another purpose to fulfill. 

My husband and I often chatted about book topics and where my focus should lie. One idea was to use my Menopause Obsession and write a murder mystery about an aging psychotic menopausal woman (me) as the protagonist and alleged suspect. Did she do it or didn’t she? Mood swings are potential acts of violence – when suffering through The Menopause. The second idea was even better. 

Potential murder weapon (trowel) and burial plot (garden bed). I have a box of plastic gloves as well! The smile is a little creepy.

 Write a murder mystery about a middle child accused of murdering a sibling – with her OCD lifetime note-taking as evidence, while also going through menopause. That’s a mouthful but I already envision hilarious mayhem.

You may ask, "Why does Colleen have crime-scene booties?" I plan well!

Obviously, I’ve already tested out ways to cover my “tracks". My only dilemma is which sibling do I (presumably) murder? Suggestions are welcome!

Until I start the next book – I decided that I would use my blog as a platform for this Middle Child Syndrome subject matter. I have a feeling that this may be an ongoing theme for a few of my upcoming posts – so stay tuned. This could be a three-parter!

I’ve already blogged about some of my “Middle Child” issues in my Memory Expiration Date - Blog excerpt:

“It doesn’t’ matter if it’s true or not – it’s what I remember! How I remember! Is it wrong? I don’t think so. If you play the game “Rumor” by whispering a short rumor into someone’s ear and then they pass it along to the next person, etc. etc. – that rumor doesn’t resemble the original one at all! I equate my personal stories to this Rumor game – what I remember can be a completely different “rumor” to the other participants. It happens all the time when I’m with family and relate a story from my past. My mother or brother will pipe up and say, “Colleen, you are completely wrong. That’s not what happened.” I whole-heartedly believe that I am not wrong – I just remember it differently. Memory is subjective and my memories don’t always mesh with other family members, husband, friends, etc. My husband thinks I “embellish” our stories – but do I? In my mind everything is embellished and magnified! That’s just how my brain and personality work. It’s the same story – but told by ME!! I’ve never denied my melodrama and flair for the sensational! I was an actress for crying out loud!!! Practically everything I do is a performance and I expect applause!

I’m a middle child of 5 – second girl. 

1. Sister

2. Brother

3. ME

4. Brother

5. Brother

My memories never sync with my other siblings or parents – but I believe, as a middle child, my stories are absolutely true in my teeny tiny yet spectacular universe. Middle children go through life as if they are on LSD 24/7. Our memories are all “Magical Mystery Stories” because that’s how we get through life as “Not quite as good as the First Child/Daughter or Second Child/Son.” I’ve never done LSD – but I think I know it’s effects!!!

I’ve decided at 64 (almost Medicare age) – that I don’t give a rat’s ass if my stories are different from others. It’s what I remember and I’m sticking to it!!”

As you can see by that excerpt (cry for help), I fall into a category all my own when it comes to my family. They love me (I think) but I definitely stand out in a crowd of 5 – as not entirely stable.

Four days old and not yet contaminated by being a middle child!

Let’s start at the beginning. I am an October baby/Libra. Born in rural Northern Maine. Middle of five children. I believe I exited the womb emoting, singing and dancing, making demands and screaming, “LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!” I was small but mighty – a theme I’ve carried throughout my life – just to prove that I’m worth existing. I’ve often wondered if the family gene pool was watered down as each spawn was conceived and by child number 3 (me) became so diluted that it had eliminated some important characteristics – like sanity. That would explain why my youngest brother doesn’t talk very much. The rest of us got all the “Words!”

What's the fun of eating flour without playing with it first?

I was a happy, cute, blond-haired baby. I loved hanging with my mom in the kitchen so I could dive into the flour bin and consume carbs. Apparently, I was too impatient to wait for the baked product.

My Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior (specifically writing notes) began when I was able to construct basic sentences. I wrote my mom notes as soon as I was able to hold a crayon, knew my ABC’s and could phonetically spell words.

Nobody likes a f**king tattle-taler!

Initially, the notes were complaints about my two brothers – one year older and one year younger – and basically were death threats. I believed with my whole heart, that if I wrote a note – then it would come true. Writing the words became my reality. I was delusional and disappointed daily – but it never stopped me from writing my mom notes – often repeating the same demands over and over until I got the result I wanted (apparently, I never did). This issue has followed me throughout my life and to this day I write daily notes and they are often ignored – even the ones I write to myself. This is clearly the definition of “Crazy.” I believe being a middle child has created this schizophrenic mutant. 

Middle children feel like they can never live up to their siblings’ rankings and achievements. We are sandwiched between others that garner more attention and deservedly so. Analogy – the bread is superior to its contents. I decided early on that the only way I got noticed was to be “ON” all the time. It was exhausting and often went too far – but I did it anyway - to stand out from the crowd of 5. I look at it this way - Middle Children exist to make their siblings feel better about themselves.

When I told my lady friends about considering writing a book about being a MC - some of them cried out loud, "Oh, my God!! You have to talk to my sister (MC) who is bat shit crazy!!" We Middle Children should start a club!

The request starts out pretty sweet until it takes a dark turn!

“You were a mistake!” I was between 10-13 years old (I think? the trauma still lingers) when I first heard these words come out of my mother’s mouth. Shocked speechless, my whole existence flashed before my eyes – the world slowed down on its axis – my mother’s voice/face/attitude in blazing detail - revealing her deepest darkest secret. Her words blurted out with an expression that may have resembled a smile (if you were Jack Nicholson in "The Shining"). But even in my youth I recognized a cynical, painful and sincere edge to her voice. Her words spoke volumes. Not only was I a mistake, but my mom’s life was a series of errors (at least 5). At 65 – I can feel her sorrow and to some extent can empathize. When I brought this up recently, she clarified (to make me feel better) that every child she had was a mistake! There was no Planned Parenthood or options in her youth. Please don’t get me wrong – my mother loves all of us very much. But I can’t help but wonder how different her life would have been without us. I feel my mother’s despair at unfulfilled dreams and weep for what could have been. 

Sarcastic "slanted page writing" is a warning sign!

Of course, it wasn’t my fault that I was born “accidentally” in a moment of passion. Unfortunately, as a middle child, we take on the onus of their anguish and pain and pay for the sins of our parents. Too melodramatic? Of course! I’m a Middle Child! We assume more responsibility due to our self-esteem issues. We are self-absorbed creatures, but only because we never feel equally loved – like our siblings. We don’t hear, “I love you!” We hear, “I love you, enough!

Death threat #1!

When you write about personal issues that involve yourself and invariably those within your small universe – you inevitably hurt feelings. It’s not intentional but it’s part of life. We all harbor aches, pains and grievances against those we love most in this world. I humbly apologize if I hurt anyone with my words.

(The four images of threats to my mom were written over the span of a month. I'm surprised she's still alive!)

Death threat #2! My mom just laughed and put these notes in my file!

Let me end Part 1 on a funny note – because humor has made my middle child syndrome bearable (just like menopause). I was a very fastidious child and didn’t mind cleaning chores – except the after dinner washing of 7 people’s dinner plate-ware and all the other items you need to clean after every meal! Bridget and I usually had to do the “women” chores. I became quite adept at disappearing into the bathroom right after the meal was finished. I obviously had intestinal issues – because I’d be using the toilet for at least a half hour every night. Bridget wasn't stupid and knew my evasive evil intentions. It really pissed her off that I not only escaped the chore but got away with it. Ironically, to this day I still go to the bathroom right after I eat – home or restaurant – without fail. The only difference is that I do the dishes when I’m finished with my OCD toilet habit because I’m the only one who can truly clean my kitchen properly. Yes, cleaning is another obsessive-compulsive dis(order).

I don't recall taking ballet in H.S.? Maybe this was my first dominatrix outfit?

FYI – one of my T-shirt quotes for Middle Children: “Don’t mistake being silly for being stupid!” All you MC’s out there will understand this quote. I got a little tired of being called silly!

Psycho Begging! Please buy my book and Pretty Please review it on Amazon!

Back to adding a cleaning tip: Vacuums have been an obsession with me since I started buying my own. My current vacuum is the second bagless Shark that I've owned (and worked to death). I've had Dyson's but did not like this expensive vacuum because it did not pick up dog/cat hair as well as the Shark. The Shark also has more attachments.

My BFF!

I selected my first Shark while at a Bed Bath and Beyond (when they had actual stores). There was another woman also looking for a vacuum and kept referring to a book (blue book for vacuums) as she perused the many options. I sidled up to her to look over her shoulder. She, like me, kept looking at Sharks versus Miele's. I struck up a conversation and our mutual passion bonded our new friendship. Ed had already left me to have a lie-down in the bedding section (bored but titilated by suction conversations). My new friend and I meticulously read through all the pros/cons/ratings of each vacuum and settled on the Shark because the Miele canister had such a tiny disposable bag - that I'd be changing it 3 times in one vacuum session. Since I vacuum almost every day - that was going to get expensive!!

Since my husband works long hours and we have limited time together - my vacuum has become my best friend. Very supportive, good listener and has great suction.

Does this apron make me look fat? (My sister came up with this tag line)

Mr. S.H. Ark (nickname - Shark-bait) keeps me company in every room and never talks back to me or lets me down. He is happy to accommodate (enable) my OCD!

My companion likes to dress up and very self-conscious of his weight. He loves anything on the BBC and enjoys murder mysteries. His favorite food is hair of any kind - especially dog hair.

Part 2 of MC will be coming to a blog near you! See you in 2 weeks!

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Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!

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Colleen McIntosh