Hair – a Woman’s Achilles Heel (Heal)! Having a Bad Hair Day?

Hair today, gone tomorrow!

Countries have gone to war over “Hair!” (I just made this up – but I bet some man in power has made some catastrophic decisions because he was having a “Bad Hair Day!”)

The 80s want their hair back!!

My book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! Is launching in a week – November 21, 2023. I’m so excited and nervous about my menopausal and aging journey being available to the world. Spewing my guts and messy existence for all to see. I hope that it brings solace and laughter to many – then it would be worth it!! BTW - there is a chapter on HAIR!!

So, I decided to write a blog about “Hair” to get my mind off the upcoming event.

I think I can safely say that the mythical magical body of “Hair" on any woman’s (or man’s) head has held significant value in our psyche since the beginning of time. It’s symbolic to our heritage. Hair shapes our identity. We have examples in the bible, lore and fairy tales - Samson, Medusa, Rapunzel - that focuses on the power and significance of hair. Hair controls our every mood. Hence, the expression, “I’m having a bad-hair day!” – which translates to, “I’m not beautiful today and really f**king cranky! Piss off!!”

When you wake up in the morning, you have “bed-head”. When you prepare your hair for the day, it can be, “I can’t do anything with my hair!” Your hair can be, “Hair-larious” one day and “Hair-endous” the next. Hair can determine your mood for the entire day. It can make you feel empowered, depressed, angry, humiliated, sexy, elegant, insane, silly – the emotion-list goes on and on. You can have it shaped into a variety of styles or trending fashions. You can have it long, short, straight, curly, shaved. The list, once again, is endless and money spent over your lifetime can be a Hair-raising experience!

For example – if you have short hair - like me - you typically see your hair stylist once a month. If you go to a salon that has a good reputation, then you spend between $50 - $100 (including tip) per visit. If you decide to chemically enhance your hair – like hair coloring, relaxers or extensions, etc. – then that doubles your monthly expense. If you’ve maintained this for your entire adult life – it could add up to the equivalent of buying a luxury car (least hair cost) or a nice house (all the bells and whistles hair cost) - depending on what you had done and not including all the hair products purchased to enhance your particular style. Just do the math and you will be SHOCKED! Better yet – don’t do the math. I did not disclose this Hair-xercise to my husband – who gets his hair cut about once every 2 months - at a hip barber shop - for around $25-30 total - and uses no hair products.

Hair was vitally important throughout my adolescence and teens whether I knew it or not. It took on a whole new (expensive) meaning as I reached adulthood. (I also need to include a side note on glasses because I started wearing them at 2 ½ years old. Like hair, glasses are part of your identity.) You’ll see some of my stages - from 1958 through today - of the various style choices – either made for me or by me.

Baby Colleen circa 1958. Angelic hair phase. Also hand painted photo!

A lot had to do with whatever my big sister was sporting at the time. She absolutely held sway over me – but I occasionally rebelled against my sycophantic personality and made some “bold” choices all on my own!! As I go through my photo albums (for those of you under the age of 45 – a photo album is a stone age vessel for photographs) - I am somewhat horrified because those “bold” choices weren’t always the best choices!

A lot of us were held hostage by societies judgement of what hairstyle was in fashion – depending on the decade and where you lived. Growing up in Northern Maine had its fashion challenges and limitations.

My mother was an avid reader and wanted to instill that same passion in her children. I remember my mom testing different books/genres on me – encouraging me to read and escape life for a while (like she did). She hit the jackpot on “Romance Novels” of which she had plenty. I read a Rosemary Rogers romance and was hooked!!! I can’t remember exactly how old I was but enough to be titillated by these tales of seduction (underdog beauty “hits” that jackpot hunk). I spent an entire summer locked in my room reading a book a day until I was sated (in every sense of the word – if you catch my drift). From there I moved on to other genres and the rest is history. I’m a book-reading fanatic!!!

I tried writing a romance novel a couple times. My heroine/protagonist always had short hair, somewhat attractive, cutting wit, spunky and an attitude. Unlike the romance novels I read as a child. Heroines of yore were slim but had ample breasts, crystalline green eyes, rose-petal lips, and long, thick, lustrous, wavy RED HAIR. Oh, and they smelled and tasted delicious no matter what era! In other words – unrealistically gorgeous and super smart! I never finished my romance novels and instead chose to write about my Menopausal Journey – not the exotic tale or locale I originally had in mind – but a journey, nonetheless. Instead of long lustrous red hair that flowed and seduced like it had a mind of its own – I wrote about hair that is thinning, dry and dull of finish. Reality can be just as fascinating as fiction!!

In my formative years I was a “towhead” – meaning I had white-blonde hair. I remained a towhead for several years. A lot of (jealous) kids accused me/my mom of dyeing my hair. Kids can be mean and obviously not very bright. My hair got more golden in adulthood. Around my mid-30’s (after my much-anticipated divorce) I decided to go rogue and dyed my hair strawberry blonde.

Las Vegas Wedding!! Best EVER!!!

This has always been a favorite hair style and color-job. Eventually one of my split personalities took over and changed it because I was too content.

My first known “Hair” experience was quite early in life. As a toddler I had soft, white, curly baby hair – most parents just let nature do their thing. Mine was free to explore until the infamous bubble-gum trip to Texas – visiting our southern family (Dad’s sister, husband and four kids). We all hopped into our VW Bus – five kids and two adults. No seatbelts, a long-cramped drive, a hot summer – which got hotter as we approached Texas – and lots of snacks. I was quite young and my memory is spotty of that trip – but I do remember chewing Bazooka Bubblegum. Practicing my bubble-blowing skills while sticking my head out the bus window is one of those memories. Bubble x wind velocity = face and hair engulfed in a pink cloud of sticky gum. It remained on my face and in my hair for many, many miles. Ice got the gum off my face – but scissors took care of the hair. It was the end of my beautiful baby hair and my innocence!! Moms can be downright brutal!

So, let’s go down memory-lane (before there is none) of my many hairstyles over the past 65 years. Below is a description of each hair cut – snazzy and cringe-worthy:

1. Bowl-Cut (2 – 6 yrs.) – Mom was the stylist. She had one haircut in her portfolio. Grab a

Hair by Mom! Bowl-cut was a very efficient style.

bowl and blunt scissors, put it on child’s head, cut around bowl edge – done! She had a small bowl for bangs and a larger bowl for the rest. My sister was the only one in our family who understood the cruelty of the bowl-cut - and to this day – holds a grudge. I was content with this style, since my sister had it. I thought I was cool.

Mom was having a bad (hair) day when she did this Bowl-cut!

2. Bowl-Cut grown out with a little more style –

Modified Bow-cut!

I allowed this sub-par Mom-Cut for many years. I blame my lack of exposure for this on-going abuse. I believe around 4th or 5th grade is when I started reading my sister’s fashion magazines and realized I was a girl.

I thought I was John Wayne for a few years!

I said goodbye to my toy guns and holster and started paying some attention to my outward appearance.

3. Twiggy Cut (5th grade) – I became obsessed with the famous 60s model – Twiggy.

Famous British Model from the 60's - Twiggy!!

I didn’t stop at the hairstyle she created but also her body shape and clothes. It was so effing Mod!!

This also started my fascination with anything British! I demanded my mom make me this 60s dress and even made a bold eye-frames choice. I discarded the traditional Cat-Eye frames for 60s chic! In my mind, Twiggy and I were twins. Uncanny resemblance!! I may have affected a British accent during this period – at least in private (or not?). I had a vivid imagination. I may have sent her a fan letter (for those of you under the age of 45 – a fan letter was actually written with a pen and paper – then mailed at a post office). FYI, Twiggy never wanted that haircut!!

Uncanny resemblance!! Twiggy was my idol!!

Twiggy Vogue Article Image.

4. Long Hair Phase (6th – 9th grade) – Somehow, I grew my hair to shoulder length in one year – and past my boobs and to my bottom by year 3. I could never do that at my current age!! I bowed to the masses and kept it long and straight – for the most part. Around the time I was taking piano lessons and doing recitals – I added some elegance by sporting ringlets. Braids and pigtails occurred when I hadn’t shampooed for a couple weeks.

More Class Pictures of the ever-evolving Colleen McIntosh!

Barrettes were also a fav accessory. But the late 60s into early 70s center hair-part was the norm and I lowered my standards to abide by my peers’ rules of hair etiquette. I also found out that boys liked long hair.

Looks like a mug shot for a ringlet heist!!

FYI - Ringlets take a long time to manufacture. Back in the sepia days - we wore painful barbed-wire hair rollers - often overnight while crying in our sleep. You could also dry them by putting on a huge plastic cap that got attached to a hose and dryer. Hot air was pumped into your "cap" and you sat for an hour while it dried - sweating and bored!! Then Mom would yank out the barbed-wire rollers and she would form the ringlets and shellac the hell out of your hair so it did not lose its curl. Bad for the environment, your health and your pride. Don't get me wrong - I asked for these effing ringlets!!

5. Bowl-Cut – full circle (10th – 12th grade) – I lost my f**king mind and apparently was androgynous for a couple years and paid to have my hair look this way.

High School pictures were traumatizing. Never wear a printed fabric!

To add insult to injury, I added huge aviator glasses to complete the look!

How to lean against a tree and look like this is normal!

I really hope they’ve gotten more inventive with school pictures. The "fake trees" backdrop and props were the poor-man's CGI in the 70's. Also, leaning against a tree for some bizarre reason was the go-to "Senior picture trend" of that decade. I have no clue what the subliminal message trees conveyed. BTW – I think the 70s were the absolute WORST in hair and fashion.

6. Perms, Perms & More Perms – These began in my late teens/20’s/early 30’s. You saw the perm image at the beginning of this blog. That was actually one of my earlier acting headshots and my perm was "Hair-normous!!" The 80s were a decade of bad hair styles. I periodically hacked it off but would inevitably grow it out for more Perms!!! I even had a sort-of Afro for an acting role in the musical Hair. I consider this my “In-Poor-Taste” hairstyle. It was actually a perm gone wrong but the casting directing loved it?

7. Short (Sigh of happiness and the best salon/haircut EVER!! ) – During my role as Audrey in Little Shop of Horrors, I went really short. We were performing in Tokyo and I popped into a hair salon one day and magic happened. I have NEVER had a hair shampoo like the one they did and never will again. I was laid on a comfortable table and someone held my head over the sink while someone else slowly shampooed and massaged. I think I fell asleep. Then it took them over an hour to discuss and cut my hair. Then another hour to consult and tweak what they did. Then a half hour to style it. I was there all afternoon and didn’t want to leave. No one spoke English and I have never been happier. I paid a ransom sum to exit the salon – with no regrets!!! Lots of bowing at the end of that dreamy master class in hair sculpting! Sadly, I wore a lot of hats back then and don't have a good picture of this haircut. Apparently, I only saved the bad pictures.

8. Long again - Damn-it! - During my first marriage (early 30s), I regrew my hair and did a more expensive Perm – so it didn’t look Permed. I also lost my mind for 5 years! I refuse to put any pictures here even though it was the best perms I'd ever had. (One day I’ll blog about those lost years – but not today!) BTW - the definition of insanity is: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

9. Short forever until I die but with Color! – Once I walked out of that “joke of a union” – I cut it short and have never looked back. In my mid-30s I decided I not only needed to relocate but also change my identity for fear of being hunted down due to my witness protection program. Just kidding – sort of. Divorce final and searching for my real identity again – I moved to Baltimore and found my new hair salon. I needed something different – so I chose to add color to my new spiky haircuts like my wedding picture. I maintained color and short hair until COVID!

I started life with white hair and then in my 40s – 50s I decided that platinum blonde was my new favorite hair color. I basically went full circle!

My favorite hair color - white with roots showing!!

Oddly, I wished I had hair color that a lot of mature women have – like my mom. She went white/gray early and colored it to hide it. In her 80s she finally succumbed to nature and it looks fantastic!! My sister went gray with black streaks around 65 (during COVID) and it also looks effing great! They were both brunettes.

Why did I spend a small fortune on dying my hair white? I even tried silver gray to see how I’d look as an older woman. A lot of people thought these dye-jobs were my actual hair color. I’m assuming because I already looked “older!” Anyway, I can’t wait to turn gray because I think it’s so cool! Dyed my hair Platinum/White for years – only to let it grow out so I could have dark roots. I LOVED showing my roots and I had this look until COVID. Being quarantined made the decision to end the brain altering hair coloring fairly easy. I had no choice. Doing it myself was not an option. I didn’t get a haircut for a long time and as my last dye-job grew out – I discovered my real hair color. Keep in mind that I hadn’t seen my real color since my late 30s. It was a much darker blonde – more ash blonde with some red highlights here and there. I named the color, “COVID muddy-ash or wet straw.” I’m praying for gray hair now. I just want it to make up its mind! It’s not blonde and it’s not gray. Most women think I’m insane for wishing it gray (or better yet - white).

People don’t realize what hair dye does to your hair. It gives it body and thickens fine hair (which I have). So, I could do spiky short cuts and it would behave and bend to my will. That no longer applies to my thinning, dull and lifeless hair. Recently, while attempting a different short style – my sassy hairdresser pointed out my “receding hair line!” I was speechless until I screamed. I said, “Are you saying I’m going bald!!!” Poor thing didn’t know how to spin this – so he tried to help by pointing out his receding hair line. He went on to talk about using Rogaine but to be careful because hair grows in the oddest places – like wrists!!! I’m now obsessed with my hairline and attempting to grow my bangs longer to cover up this flaw. I am fast approaching the dreaded, “Comb Over!” It's just another embarrassing age-related degradation some of must endure. I have a hair appointment tomorrow and may ask for it to be shaved off. I can cut costs by going to Ed's barber shop as well!!

Hair is a major topic of concern and consideration as you age. Once you lose your estrogen and progesterone, the hair on your body decides it's time for a change of scenery and relocate its little follicle-ass to a new venue. Some of them want a pent-house view (eyebrows) and some want warmer climes (pubes). Some want a more wet and humid atmosphere (nose) and others like balconies (upper lip). Then there are some that freak out and hide in a bunker (ass). There are the crazy ones who like to live dangerously and dangle off your chin! As I say in my book, "Grooming takes on a whole new meaning."

Speaking of “Hair today, gone tomorrow.” My book has a whole chapter dedicated to HAIR. I think it’s one of the funniest.

Apparently, I've turned into a Man!

This chapter has NOTHING to do with fashion but real estate! Did you know that hair is sentient? Here’s a sample of Hair having a conscience:

Legs and Armpits—Oh, don’t think I forgot about these! Upside is I have almost no hair on my legs or armpits anymore. Fantastic!!! However, my theory is that they conspired and decided to migrate north for the summer and decided to stay. I believe that explains all the additional hair in my asshole, pubes, face and nose!!!

As we all know – Hair is not just located on the top of your head. So, in my book, I cover full body hair issues that occur once you hit menopause and beyond.

Somebody recently told me that there was a dearth of women's chronological menopause books out there - but I guarantee you that mine is a totally different tale of horror, humility and humor! And I bet they didn't include illustrations!!! Edgar Allan Poe should have written a horror story about it - "The Tell-Tale Hair."

Please don't make me "Temporarily Out of Stock" and purchase my book during the pre-sale on Amazon or Barnes & Noble. It's also available at many other book retailers. Consider it as a memorable holiday gift. November 21 is coming up fast!!

How can you say no to this face!!!

Give me this day, my Daily Beg! Help an old(er) lady out and help me promote my book!! Help me become relevant! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! I recommend you purchase the soft cover book for the preferred reading experience! I have pages at the end of the book for you to add your own menopausal journey!

Click the links on my book page.

I really hope you’ll sign up and become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog!

Let’s be Friends!!!

Colleen McIntosh