We will do anything to see the Solar Eclipse! We weren’t expecting the Eclipse to Trigger a Zombie Apocalypse!

Tatertot is all set to watch the Solar Eclipse! Good Boy!!

My husband, Ed, loves events like eclipses and our planets natural wonders. He will drop everything to be at 100% totality eclipse. He drove to Tennessee (I believe) for the 2017 Total Solar Eclipse with our dogs while I held down the Baltimore fortification (our home). I was chained to my desk at work and grudgingly allowed to run outside with our clients (as far as my tether would allow) to see a partial eclipse of this 2017 phenomenon and behind cloudy skies. I was still excited. Ed was so enthralled that he immediately started planning the next astronomical event.

Living in Baltimore – every night sky spectacle seems to only occur on cloudy nights. We missed comets, meteor showers, eclipses, NASA launches, etc. We went to Iceland to see the Northern Lights a few years ago. I grew up in Northern Maine and saw Northern Lights quite often. Iceland's are even more spectacular. However, Baltimore clouds followed us to Iceland and prevented us from viewing the out-of-this-world light show. Sometimes I feel like a gray cloud follows me everywhere - but that’s another blog topic!

NASA image of the Solar Eclipse - which iPhones don't do justice!

To quote Robert Burns: "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Or in our case, "The best laid plans of Ed, and more tragically Colleen, always go awry." I feel sympathy for my husband being saddled with a "Portent of Doom!" Eclipses and comets were considered omens of some calamitous event - but now I've taken on that onus. Just call me Calamity Colleen! I should submit my name fo the next hurricane.

As April approached - the excitement over a large swath of the US being able to witness this marvel - was building to a frenzy. We decided that we would take our camper - "Gullible's Travels" - to the destination of Ed's choice - road marker 103 in Mid Ohio (yes they call it Mid Ohio - not central Ohio). He selected this spot from a satellite image of nothing but crop fields and a pull off for farm equipment. Perfect for our camper.

Our tiny towable - Gullible's Travels - was left behind!

I didn't argue (much). Neither of us are big on huge crowds of people congregating - especially in our current environment - read the news!!! I admit that I wasn't as passionate about this trip as Ed - but after much conversation between my numerous personalities - we came to a consensus to enjoy the ride or at least tolerate it.

Snag 1 - A couple days prior to leaving - we began the camper preparations. Our plan was to leave on Sunday, 4/7/24 around noon. We'd drive about 4 hours and park - probably at our go-to overnight favorite place - Cracker Barrel. I found one in Pittsburgh. They allow campers to park in their lots overnight - with the caveat that you eat in their restaurant. No worries . I love showing off my skills when I conquer their little table game - while shoving 10 million carbs into my pie hole!

Cracker Barrel Tabletop Game - I win every time!!!

On Saturday, I was packing all the groceries, clothing, dog stuff, making the bed, cleaning the camper, etc. - while Ed was checking tires and internal workings. He had to replace the panel that controls heat/AC/water/lights - but that was a snap for him. All was going as planned until it wasn't. In checking the water line - Ed discovered that the water pump wasn't working. He spent all afternoon tearing it apart to find the issue - only to discover that it was irreparable. He ordered a replacement on Amazon (of course) with delivery coming on Sunday. We decided to cross our fingers and proceed as if the stars would align along with the moon and sun - and kept to our plan of leaving Sunday afternoon with the camper in tiptop (and toilet) shape.

As we tracked the delivery status of this essential camper devise (water pump = running water, showers and most importantly toilet facilities) the countdown started. The tracking began with delivery arriving between 11 - 2pm. We decided to be optimistic and hooked the camper up to the truck and finished the final packing details. FYI - packing for a camping trip - even a short one - is not just throwing a couple days of clothing into the closet. All the "Camper Accoutrements" fill up the large storage area underneath, the interior storage areas and the back of Ed's truck. Even though it's a tiny towable - it has tons of storage space and many bells and whistles. We can pack a lot of shit in that Baby!

But each time we checked the status - it moved further and further back into the dark hours of, "No chance in Hell are we leaving Sunday!" I believe we were the last stop on the Amazon train. So, about dinnertime we had to give up the comfort and flexibility of taking GT and go to Plan B.

Snag 2 - I got an alert from Amazon that the eclipse glasses Ed purchased "might not be authentic" and they were immediately refunding our money (so we didn't sue them when we went blind). With no time to find new ones - I researched how to confirm their authenticity (safety) and our cheap knockoffs passed all NASA tests. I wasn't happy that they weren't certified but reluctantly decided to take them. I'll have Ed try them first. If he screams and drops to the ground while scratching his eyes out in agony - then I'll know they were NOT legitimate.

Sunday, we unpacked the camper, truck and discussed - “What is Plan B?” Initially Ed wanted to take my car with Tater stuffed in the back – which I immediately said, “No effing way!” But when Ed said that I’d be doing some of the driving (EEK!!!!) I changed my tune about taking his truck. He has stick shift and I HATE driving stick now (in more ways than one). We agreed that my car was more comfortable and better on gas. My Prius Prime has a hatch-back. I put down my back seats and basically dog-poop-proofed the back end. It looked like an insane asylum cell when I was finished. We decided that we would leave the house Monday morning at 4:30am and take our chances with Tater (who has only ridden in my car 3 times to go to the vet. Each time he managed to vomit and have diarrhea - at the same time). 

Making sure we aren't leaving without him! If he only knew what awaited him!

Up at 3am, chugging a dump load of coffee and out the door by 4:30am. Tater was quiet and so well behaved. Was he happy? NO! But he was more terrified that we’d leave him behind!!

Snag 3 – We were about 20 minutes from our house on Interstate 695 when I saw a huge sign over the four lane highway alerting us that 695 was closed ahead due to a hazardous……. We zoomed past this sign before I could finish reading. Siri told us to get off at each exit we passed. She got louder and louder because we were ignoring her! Her Irish brogue got thicker and impossible to understand her frantic directions. Ed wouldn’t exit and pushed on with overconfidence until we arrived at the police blockade! Yes, this is not unusual for our area - I've already written about MD drivers in my book. We detoured back roads until we finally got to our planned route. I checked my purse for Tums because it was going to be a long day! 

Driving to Mid Ohio was a fairly smooth ride. The rest stops were packed but we made it to our destination in 6.5 hrs. – even with Tater (actually Colleen) pee-breaks! Fill the tank – empty the tank! We wove our way through the back roads of Ohio until we found the 103-marker. The satellite lied. There were fields but with homes attached. We ended up pulling into a dirt road with a farm building but no vehicles. We let Tater out to play, sniff and eat country Ohio grass while we pondered our eclipse viewing situation. Cars and trucks passed by with rubbernecking locals confused at the citified out-of-staters trespassing on Jim-Bob’s property! Sorry, I don’t know the owner’s name and decided to make fun of a total stranger while illegally parking on his dirt road. My apologies Jim-Bob!

After about a half hour we decided to leave before we were kicked out by pitchfork wielding Ohioans and headed for the little town of Sycamore, a half mile down the road. It was very charming and idyllic. We drove past a park filled with families all awaiting the eclipse. It was a “public” park, so we turned around and made ourselves comfortable. It even had a pool and toilet facilities. I was in heaven!! Skies were clear and weather was perfect. 

Sycamore Ohio park! Perfect place to see the Total Solar Eclipse!

We got out our camper chairs, beverages and relaxed while we waited for 1:50pm/eclipse time. People were curious but nice. Tater was enjoying being outside and not in the cramped confines of my Prius.

All seemed perfect until a bald man of about 50 sat down not too far from us and Tater jumped to attention and his hackles rose to the occasion.

Dog's sense of smell alert them of danger! Bald man beware!!

This man was not sitting with all the other local families but staring at all their activities. Tater started barking and growling at him – which made Ed and I take notice. He left soon after and Tater calmed down. Our made-up story was that he was watching the “kids” play with a lot of intense interest. I trust my dog’s instinct more than I trust my own sometimes. So creepy guy left, and Tater went back to watching the families throw footballs wishing one would accidentally land at his feet (paws). 

The eclipse event was stupendous! We had clear skies and perfect temperate climes.

Eclipse had just started and the sky got eerie!

We watched the slow progression of the moon crossing in front of the sun – aligning just to amaze us! As the moon reached about 3/4 totality – we noticed the birds getting quieter and we started hearing crickets. The shadows on the ground were getting sharper and everything had a “strangeness” quality – hard to explain. It was like the Earth was holding its breath.

My cousin sent me a picture she took in Northern Maine! Thank you Kelly!

Unknown Photographer - but thank you for a fantastic Solar Eclipse image!

Then it really kicked in and it got dark instantly. The streetlights came on, the birds stopped chirping, the crickets got louder and the temperature dropped 15-20 degrees.

100% Totality Solar Eclipse! Ed is so happy!!

Then totality was at 100% and it was full-on nighttime! Everyone screamed and cheered. We took off our eclipse glasses to observe this rare astronomical event (or rare for us to see in the US). We all ooohed and aaahed simultaneously. We applauded the orbs. We kept staring at the sky – awestruck at how complex our universe is and a little scared at the enormity of this magical occurrence. It made me feel tiny and yet overwhelmed by the beauty of the black moon with its brilliant corona. I felt humbled. 

This is one of our weird Solar Eclipse iPhone pix! Looks like a science project!

Then 4 minutes later it was daylight as if none of this had happened and it was just a dream. We were all so excited that we witnessed this Solar Eclipse miracle. As Ed said, “930 miles to see 4 minutes of magic!”

We packed up and left around 3:30pm to hit the road home. Siri said we’d arrive about 10:30pm. She was correct – until we hit the highways.

My adorable husband post eclipse - instant daylight!

Snag 4 – We ran into a wall of misery that did not end until much, much later. It didn’t matter which route or interstate road you selected – they were all wall-to-wall congestion. The highways kept vomiting cars. It was an Eclipse Sea of exasperation, anxiety and the futility of our efforts to get home. One of our major routes south was closed off and that compounded the problem exponentially. We knew how far we had to go and realized that we had made a big ass boo-boo. The entire East Coast was driving home the same time we were. We thought by avoiding the big tourist areas – we’d be better off – but we were naïve idiots! Not to bore you with all the traffic details – but we were diverted a few times only to hit another obstacle – and it lasted until morning. 

When we got on the Pennsylvania Turnpike – we were both very tired (and nauseous). We began stopping at every Rest Area just to pee, get caffeine and wake up! Ed drove the entire way because we both knew I would be unable to handle the traffic (I’m terrified of driving since I’ve aged out of logic). We considered getting a hotel until we realized that they were all booked along this route. So, we wiped our tears and soldiered on. The rest stops were packed with tired, frustrated and angry people. A few stops had run out of fuel which added urgency to the exhausted grumbling mob. The Semi-trucks were lining the highways because the overabundance of eclipse cars was taking up all the spots at the rest areas. At one point in my delirium – I felt like we were in an alien invasion - and everyone was evacuating at the same time and running for their lives. It reminded me a little too much of all the apocalyptic movies I’ve watched and enjoyed – sitting in my jammies eating popcorn on my comfy couch – smugly laughing at the hysteria on the boob tube. I wasn’t laughing now. I see our future!

I’m going to skip ahead to the last two rest areas and spare you the pain we endured. Ed walked Tater while I went in and peed for the 75th time that day/night/day. I never pass by a bathroom without using it – because you never know when you’ll have access to another one. The women’s bathroom line was particularly long, but I persevered. I looked over at a family and saw the following: Mom swaying barely holding an infant with a dull blank expression just one sway away from collapse. Dad stumbled away. Little girl in a onesie PJ blankly staring with shoulders drooping – trying to prop herself up against her swaying mom. Little boy in same PJ outfit slowly sagged to the floor like his bones were made of Jello and laid face down on the disgusting floor with arms spread out like a biblical cross reference of surrender. I couldn’t take my eyes away. It spoke volumes of the nightmarish loop we were all experiencing. When I eventually got into the bathroom – half of it was blocked off. We all suspected that the toilets had been overwhelmed and choked into submission and defeated by humanities digestive tracts.

Snag 5 - The next rest stop – our last – was Ed crawling into the back with Tater and taking a nap. I can't nap - so I meditated on how tired I was. Ed went inside after his pathetic attempt at a nap to get coffee and food. When he got in the car, I asked him, “Did you eat? Where’s your coffee?” He proceeded to tell me that 7-11 was the only thing open at this hour. The rest stop eateries had run out of food and was filled with comatose people, standing and swaying, staring at nothing, buying nothing and making him a twinge nervous. He bought and ate a bear claw filled with pudding and covered in cranberry icing (he gagged and so did I). He was pouring sludge coffee at the counter until he realized the living dead had detected movement and were all standing behind him transfixed by the coffee pour. He decided to leave (escape). This confirmed all my worst nightmares! We weren’t expecting the eclipse to trigger a zombie apocalypse. And we did not anticipate the outbreak starting in Pennsylvania at a rest stop 7-11. But it all makes sense now! We wearily chuckled, but this drive had turned into a horror film.

We escaped with our lives and still had 3 hours to go. Once we avoided Rte. 70 and continued to Harrisburg – the traffic seemed to disappear. It was just our Prius and a few Semi’s until we got home. We pulled into our driveway at 3am (exactly 24 hrs. since we woke up and left). 

This was a harsh lesson to learn. Both Ed and I agreed that this would never happen again – without months (my suggestion) of discussion and organization. I’ve decided that I will do all the planning and set a spreadsheet schedule for Ed to follow leading up to our next event departure. Being tortured is not our bag of fun! Especially at our age.

Diarrhea aside - Tater is very happy - as you can clearly see!

Tater held in his anxiety for 24 hrs. and released it (diarrhea) over the course of two days – but otherwise thrilled to be home. He was even happy to see Rey – his feline nemesis! 

Aside from being traumatized on this trip and getting a peek into what Hell might be like or cast in the next "The Walking Dead Sequel" (number 39) called "The Eclipse Dead" - we had such a unique experience together viewing the wonderment of nature. Our tiny planet and universe bestow such awe-inspiring phenomena.

Tulips are blooming! Mother Nature is the greatest artist of all time!

Everywhere you turn you witness natural beauty – whether it’s the spring tulips popping, buds on trees releasing an array of colorful and fragrant flowers, bees drinking up all the nectar and pollinating all those trees and flowers – springtime is so vibrant and refreshing. Our planet is filled with visions of grandeur. Seeing the eclipse has inspired and reconfirmed my moral compass to cherish this planet. I want it to live on, thrive and be happy. If we all did our part (that means you – Corporations and Governments and Zombies) we could sustain Mother Earth for all future generations. If we continue to destroy HER, then SHE will rebel and wipe us out. Don’t forget a very important expression – Force of Nature – because Mother Nature is a Bad Ass!

Oh, for the Love of Mother Earth!

65-Year-Old Lady witnesses her first Total Solar Eclipse!

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