Menopause: The Silent Plague! Because no one talks about it or wants to listen !! My family and friends have purchased my book – THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY COLD BLACK HEART – but I’m realizing that I need to SCREAM a lot more to those who don’t know me – yet! My book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All is officially released, but I'm having issues with the Mega Retailers keeping my soft cover book active and in stock. (sigh) Apparently I need a lot of reviews (as well as people clamoring for the book).The powers that be say it really helps with your credibility. The "Old Accreditation" issue. Unfortunately, my imaginary Parade was cancelled due to lack of pre-sale performance. I have no idea what I'm going to do with all the confetti?? Oh well!! I guess I'll use it for kitty litter. My book would make a great holiday gift! I know for certain that you can order it on BookBaby and Amazon (when they get their act together) and it's hard to say when Barnes & Noble will carry the soft cover book (it all depends on sales with other book retailers OR you convince your local B&N to stock some?? They are a hard book to crack!!). Becoming a “well-known/bestselling author” is like winning a Billion $$ Powerball. The odds are about the same in the creative world of writing. I thought entertainment was supposed to be fun!!! The first thing I need to say – before I’m silenced – is my blog is the only time I can say everything I feel and everything I want to get out of my tiny mind and off my sagging chest – without being interrupted. This blog energizes me into action and gives me a voice. I no longer want to be silenced by the “machine.” Of course, that doesn’t mean someone reading this won’t turn off their cell phone or close their laptop mid-sentence. That’s okay. As long as I don’t know it – I’m fine with it. There is never silence in my tiny petit head. It’s a cacophony of voices 24/7. All vying for my attention. Constantly interrupting each other. I have names for a few of the more vocal. Priscilla, Prissy for short, rears her pinched-mouthed head whenever I need to be the etiquette or car police. For example: when riding shotgun in the car with my husband, Prissy speaks up quite often, “Cars behind you!!! Slow down!!! CAR!!! EEK!!! Red light!! Green light!!! Yellow light!!! Etc.” Ed interjects with, “Colleen, what seat are you sitting in?” Prissy responds, “The Drivers “Ed” seat! Duh!!” While walking the dog, Prissy critiques any car driving down our street, “SLOW DOWN STUPID!! There are children on this street!! There are dogs and cats on this street!! It’s 25 miles per hour!! It’s a one-way street moron!!” Prissy may also add her opinion when Ed picks out his own clothes. She says, “Three different colors of green DO NOT necessarily make a coordinated outfit!” Ed is color blind, so Prissy imposes her superior-savvy-style opinion whether he wants it or not and picks out the appropriate ensemble. Prissy knows everything and lets you know it!! Then there is Darla Downer. I don’t call her “Debbie Downer” because the Debbie I know is the most upbeat person and doesn’t deserve that moniker. Darla Downer (DD) sneaks up on me throughout the day and night. Whenever I’m feeling quite happy, serene or proud of myself, DD swoops in and decides I need a little humbling or criticism, so my head stays Petit!! DD is very wily and can manipulate like no other. DD invades my dreams causing anxiety, fear, uncertainty and erratic sleep. DD thrives on chaos and stress. I can never let my guard down with DD because she’s been around the longest and has great power. Just yesterday when my book was released, I checked Amazon and Barnes & Noble sites to see my standings now that Pre-sale was over – only to find out that Amazon was listing my book as “Temporarily Out of Stock.” B&N doesn’t even give you the option to buy the soft cover. (Maybe they would if you asked nicely??) DD reared up with malice in her heart and said, “See!! You are already irrelevant and it's only Day One !” I admitted defeat and grabbed my bin of nuts, sat down on the couch and watched the world’s worst movie – shoving clenched fistfuls of nuts into my mouth. I loathe DD, but please don’t tell her!! She scares me. There are many other voices that hold sway, but I think that’s enough for now. I’m exhausting! Those that know me best would ask, “You are the least silent person I know! What are you talking about??” Volume is not a topic. You have no idea how many times I’ve been silenced in my lifetime. I’m almost positive you feel the same way. There are a lot of loud, angry people out there who make it their mission in life to spread misery and shut you up. Hence the saying, “Misery loves company.” How do I deal with being silenced? I laugh til I cry..OR..cry til I laugh. If someone sneaks up on you while you are laughing and screams, “NO MORE LAUGHING, NO MORE FUN!!! GET BACK TO WORK!” All you need to do is give them a healthy slap across the face to calm them the f**k down. Just another daily endurance test that we women must deal with. (Yes, someone said that phrase to me and other women numerous times. I never slapped them but I wanted to really badly!!) Amidst all the crazy, I’m in the process of writing about my position/lot in life – from birth. My second book – Growing Up Middle (working title) - will be my attempt to explain why middle children are insane. Yes, I am a middle child. I believe this book will take longer to complete because I’m doing self-analysis as I write. Being a middle child can be challenging. I felt invisible a lot of the time. I made up for this by annoying the snot out of everyone. At least that got me noticed. I became the “clown” in our family. I silently observed those around me and deduced that being louder and funnier was both my gift and my albatross. I learned each family members funny bone and played to that audience. Did I occasionally go too far? Absolutely! I made people take notice but at a price. I was considered silly, foolish, inane and never taken too seriously. I was silenced quite often because I was so needy!! I was loved, but it was never enough (in my mind). I made mistakes and can only blame myself. I often refused to listen to my “gut” and later realized that error. After 65 years, I am finally listening to my inner voice. Trust your GUT! Spew your GUTS! You’re running out of time!!! Here's a quick example of being silenced as a child. My mom raised 5 children – each born 1 year apart. To corral the crazy, she invented a brilliant strategy of silencing. If I needed her attention and wanted something immediately, I would usually resort to energetic whining. To curb that onslaught of squawking demands – my mother would take my words and instantly recall a song that she would then sing to me. She had a lovely soprano voice and hearing my words being mimicked back at me in song was quite startling. A. How could you argue with someone smiling and singing at you? B. How do you respond? C. How the hell does she know so many songs? It deflated all that energy and pretty much shut me up. I forgot why I was whining! Damn she was good! Below are examples of how I was silenced the last 2.5 decades of my life. Generalized snippets describing the kind of silences that can shatter your equilibrium and destroy your too often fragile ego. These are the Silence Killers! a. The Reverse Silence – I was with someone for a few years who never talked, contributed or responded but left me to ramble on and on, do all the planning, do all the work and make all the mistakes. The silent one never thanked, credited or supported me. They only pointed out the mistakes, failures and took all the glory when things were a triumph. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I have never felt so dejected. I was afraid to open my mouth for fear of sounding stupid. It almost silenced me forever. The silence was deafening! Avoid passive aggressive people at all costs!! They are cowards!!! b. The Critical Silence – Sometimes we never learn from our mistakes. Sometimes we repeat destructive behavior. Even though the situation and personalities involved are different – a pattern emerges. Same abuse, different approach – the definition of crazy. The Critical Silencers are more confident and aggressive. More overtly critical and cruel. They are typically anal retentive and think they are the smartest person in the room. They can sometimes be aggressive bordering on violent. They would never physically touch you but would emotionally bruise and batter you with glee and malice. They justify their behavior as almost righteous because they have a God-Complex. They are also cowards and bullies, but louder. You can’t win a battle with them – but you can deflate them by not reacting and falling into their trap. These people prey on others they deem weaker and more vulnerable. This is their heroine and drug of choice. They are pure evil! Once again – you need to avoid these bullies and just go radio silent. Silence is your armor!! c. The Everyday Silence – We all experience the everyday silencers. You start a story or statement or query and – BOOM – the person you are talking to interrupts mid-sentence. They either - completely change the subject OR they finish your sentence and it’s wrong OR they look at you like you’ve got something unidentifiable on your face which makes you hesitant and uncertain OR they get mad and want you to hurry up because you are boring and wasting their precious time OR they walk away from you and leave you standing there with your thought unspoken and apparently unworthy OR they walk away mid-sentence and expect you to follow them on their mission which is obviously more important OR they walk away mid-sentence and say they are still listening even though there is a cacophony of noise in the room and they clearly can’t hear you. A lot of people think their stories are vastly more interesting. We all feel that way sometimes. But, if you start a story that you think is funny or interesting and you go into more detail because it enhances the story – 9 times out of 10 - these “silencers” will get impatient and tell you to hurry it up or use the much-hated hand circle motion, which signals, “HURRY UP STUPID. YOU’RE BORING ME! YOU’RE STORY IS UNWORTHY OF MY GOD-LIKE TIME!!” I’ve learned a little trick when this happens. Getting mad and hurt just feeds the leech. So, I stop talking and calmly walk away in the other direction. It usually causes them to panic that they’ve lost control of the situation. They try to save it by passive aggressively saying, “Wait. I was listening. Please, continue.” I respond, “Nope. Not important.” This drives them crazy!! Now they MUST hear the story. Leaving them dangling is torture. I hate control freaks and passive aggressive people but sometimes you must fight fire with fire! It’s exhausting being them. d. The Unexpected Gift Silence - The best interruption of all time is – THE FALLING ASLEEP SILENCER!!! I think this silencer is hilarious! The first time it happened made me hurt and furious. Then it became a game. I’d think, “Will this story put them to sleep? Let’s see!!!” These blowhards who use words to hurt and maim must be so busy being superior and critical, that they can’t sustain their over-inflated egos and need a little NAPPY!! As they nodded off, I’d walk away victorious. My words were powerful and can induce a coma-like state of mind. It’s my Superpower!!! e. The Silence Reminder - This one is for me. There is something I yell when these people are not listening to what I’m saying. It doesn’t happen very often but is necessary for the important subject at hand. It needs to be said whether they like it or not. If I’m interrupted with words, walking away or falling asleep – I will yell, “Bright Shiny Objects! Bright Shiny Objects! Focus!!! Focus!!!” That snaps these idiots to attention and they usually listen. Because deep down they are all scared little boys. Yes, I finally gave a gender to this silence topic. f. The Silence Game – This is a very specific silencer. A story I need to tell you so you can play this game the next time you are at a party or event with a lot of boring, snobby strangers. I have discovered that most people have a very limited conversation-topic repertoire and very myopic attention-span. If you don’t play their game of elitism, then you are silenced as irrelevant. Without going into specific details about a specific group of people – I will broadly refer to them as the – Shallow Shadow People (SSP). Perfect example for my experiment – I went to a New Year’s Eve party with a large crowd of SSP’s. I knew some of them but had already dealt with their snobbery and myopic ability to converse, so I avoided them and focused on the total strangers. At this time in my life, I was always abandoned by my partner while in the company of others and left to fend for myself in this sea of banality. I felt uncomfortable and isolated in my less-than-perfect existence. In other words, I was never part of the “SSP Club.” I was allowed to be in their presence but not given the secret handshake. So, prior to the party, I compiled a list that would hopefully entertain me for the long and boring evening. My list was the following: Make up the wackiest, most bizarre, funniest career I could think of – by using the alphabet. For example: The letter A was Astrophysicist (hard for someone to ask you questions and not sound stupid). The letter B was Bowler (professional circuit and left them dumbfounded). The letter C was Cat Psychic (because it made me laugh). And so on. I covered the entire alphabet with a cheat sheet in my purse. I had a blast and was highly amused at myself. The reason why I made this list was because this “Secret Society of SSP’s” had a one-line conversation inquiry – “What do you do for a living?” That was it. This question immediately told them how much money you make and if your career was worthy of their attention and would sometimes lead them to question #2, “Where did you go to school?” If I told them my truth, that would quickly end our conversation and my financial/educational importance would plummet into obscurity. Once the game was afoot, my response always evinced a hesitation and look of mild confusion prior to waking up and realizing what I had just said. Before they recovered from their befuddlement and asked me questions about my unusual career choice – I would say, “If you’d excuse me. I see my partner waving at me. Nice meeting you!” Then I’d skedaddle off into the crowd. I did this over and over going down the alphabet, drinking champagne and having the best time EVER!! Eventually, I got caught! It turns out that a couple had heard one or two of my bizarre job titles and thought it was a bit strange. So, they secretly followed me around for a while before approaching me. Once confronted, I found out that they thought I was hysterical and couldn’t wait to hear my next made-up occupation. They guessed why I was playing this game and wanted to see my list. They told me that I had made their day and made the party endurable. They thanked me profusely. They said that they were going to play this game at their next boring event. What did I take away from this snob-trial? That 2 out of 150 people are aware, engaging and not robots. Men love to tell their stories but if I tell one it’s: too long, boring, silly, stupid, wasting time, needs editing, etc. Be careful interrupting a man’s story – because they will just start over again. We are all guilty of interrupting someone’s story. I fully admit that I cut into many conversations out of enthusiasm or anger or adding my own story. I apologize profusely and I'm trying to be more aware of this bad habit. We all deserve speaking our minds and sharing our stories without interruption. Such a small thing to ask. Silence is deafening. What a great idiom – except I twist this around to mean: Being silenced is ear-piercing in my mind . When I hit menopause and aged out of being relevant, I called menopause, “The Silence Killer!” My stories or opinion were essentially murdered every time I opened my mouth because I was no longer useful to society. As someone rudely shuts me up – my inner voice gets louder and louder until I want to SCREAM – LET ME F**KING TALK!!! Below are a few examples of being silenced while working on my lovechild - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!! How I lost control over my book, my journey and how I was silenced by the machine: 1. Silenced: I’ve blogged about finding a real publisher/agent versus self-publishing. After much debate – I self-published. HUGE learning curve but I got it completed. Now, in the marketing phase, my self-publisher fell flat and really messed up my pre-release ad campaign. Meaning – it never happened. I got as far as the first round of rejecting my ad campaign proof. I was then ghosted for 2-3 weeks. During this period I was in Maine saying goodbye to my father and visiting family (end of September) – I reached out to the ad support team only to learn that they were “no longer validated” with Facebook and, therefore, can’t complete my ad campaign. This became a back-and -forth email flurry but they never elaborated beyond their carefully structured and poorly explained reason why I could not promote on FB & Insta. They have my money – but kept suggesting I change my campaign to Google Display Ads which I DID NOT want to do because it wasn't reaching my audience as well as social media. The campaign was scheduled to lead up to my book launch on 11/21/23. So, I spent more money doing my own on FB & Insta ads. I’m waiting a little longer to see if they resolve this mess – but know I’ll have to pull my money and do it all on my own. If I don’t do it – no one will. A life lesson I should be very familiar with at 65. 2. Silenced: Next blow was even harder to handle. I had blogged about getting a book signing date at Barnes & Noble in early December between my book release and the holiday. I emailed them on Halloween to ask a couple questions on my event. Their response started out with an apology. That did not bode well. They had to “reschedule” my book signing because they were so busy during the holidays. I was devastated. I don’t think I would have been told if I hadn’t innocently emailed them. I want to believe that it wasn’t the manager who booked me but her superiors. I really liked her and I believe she liked me. I’ve since found out, that unless you are a money-making author, you are not considered worth wasting that book-signing date – especially around the holidays. A coveted spot. The kick in the teeth was I’d been verbally screaming about this event – posting this small achievement – paid for an ad campaign puffing up my importance – only to be deflated like a f**ing balloon. I had a number of people coming to my signing. I had to tell everyone of my embarrassed rejection at my ladies group gathering, in a couple posts and on my website. The humility of life never ends. I think I’ve been humbled ENOUGH!!! On a funny note, everyone said I should just show up on that date with my books and fans (yes, fans - I was going to hand out a fan with every book purchase) and hang out in the humor section or better yet, at the front door and promote my book. Great idea – but I don’t feel like being arrested before the holiday! What I am going to do is arrive on 11/21/23 for my book release and stare at my shelf for a while. I’ll even prep by trimming my nose hair!! The only downside is – others had warned me that B&N may not even have my book in store! Yet another punch in the “gut” to deal with. 3. Silenced: Wait just a minute – not yet humbled enough? Getting rejected by B&N was just the beginning of a tough Halloween. I also noticed something red on my lower eyelid – my first stye. Then about 2 hours later I go the bathroom and notice something under my glasses on my left cheek. I had a red swollen area about the size of a nickel on my face!! It didn’t hurt or itch but looked horrifying! Did a spider bite me while whining about my unsightly eyelid? All I know is that these 2 oddities manifested themselves because of my devastation over the delayed/cancelled ad campaign and the reschedule/rejected book signing. Also, I keep breaking out with pimples like an effing teenager. Another symptom of menopause that no one tells you about!! The mind is a powerful thing to waste - on stress and anxiety. I prove once again what the phrase, “Sick with worry” means. It covers all levels of concern and can trigger all levels of ailments. If upset enough, your physical and psychological reality can become toxic and create untold number of illnesses – whether minor or significant. Careful what you subconsciously wish for. I kept saying to myself, “Well, that didn’t go as planned!” So, I stole some of the Halloween candy and hid it from my husband (and innocent children) – to be consumed in the bathroom while licking my real and metaphorical wounds. BTW - I didn't need a Halloween costume this year - my face already looked liked a scary mask!! 4. Silenced: Because my publishing company could no longer fulfill my ad campaign – I’ve mentioned that I created my own on FB and Insta Ads. It was pretty straight forward and going well until I got a text from AMEX that they suspected fraud and needed me to approve a charge. It was one of my FB ad charges – so I approved it. I thought that was resolved until my ad account was “disabled due to an issue with payment.” Confused, I looked at my ad account statement and saw that AMEX hadn’t paid 3 of the FB charges. AMEX only alerted me on one of them. So, I was unaware this was going on and couldn’t fix as needed. I made sure AMEX never blocked these ads ever again. But now I’m dealing with getting FB to resubmit the unpaid charges and reinstate my account. This is still ongoing and FB has not responded after my 4 messages asking to resolve this AMEX mess up. So, I have once again been SILENCED by 2 Mega Machines and dead in the water on promoting my book. I feel Darla Downer crawling out of her hole and getting very agitated!! 5. Silenced: Update 11/15/23 – BookBaby is validated and back in business with Facebook. Of course, I found this out after I’d emailed them that I wanted my ad money reimbursed. Interesting timing?! So, I said go ahead and then waited another week to see a new ad proof. Of course, I emailed 2 times within that lost week – only to be told that I was a “Top Priority” since it screwed up my ad campaign for the Pre-sale period leading up to my release date. I think my definition of “Top Priority” is different from theirs. I take one step forward and 10 steps back. Exhausting!!! Anyway, my ad campaign is out in the hinterlands of Social Media and I hope it gains some traction. I am learning something new every day about the publishing and book retail world. It has dampened some of my enthusiasm. But I will get a grip on DD and slog on. I need Prissy to come to my rescue!! 6. Silenced: Release Day story (11/21). I got one call from Mom and one text from my niece Dani – Ed forgot! Later that day, Ed was kind enough to call me and tell me that I’m “Temporarily Out Of Stock” on Amazon (and apparently life). Pre-sales must have been sub-par and therefore my book is IRELEVANT!!! BTW – you should still be able to order it because they can print on demand - but as of today - they don't even let you add it to your effing cart!! Same with B&N - there is no "Purchase Now" button for my soft cover book and unavailable for order and pick up in their store. But, then I checked Amazon this morning (11/28) and you can order my soft cover book???? This yo-yo effect is making me dizzy. I'm glad but waiting for the next disappointment. If this all sounds confusing - it is! Maybe if I was 20 years old I'd laugh this off and move on - but I'm 65 and hold on to the confusion and bruised ego with a death grip. I would appreciate this "silence" ending with my soft cover book "Available In This Store” and “Purchase Now." I'm assuming I won’t be “rescheduled” for that B&N book signing!! I stayed home on 11/21/23 (my release date) because I had no voice or energy to deal with this soul-crushing reality that is the book industry. My “Gullible” is in overdrive!! Cross fingers I can turn this monster around. BTW - does anyone know how to remove the "Loser Emoji" off my calendar alert? It keeps popping up to remind me that I have a Book Signing at B&N on December 2? I bet DD is behind this!! 7. Deadly Silence: “The Menopause Cemetery” – Where all things youthful go to die!! Don’t discard me just yet. Don’t put me out to the proverbial pasture. We women still have a lot of life in us even if we no longer have our periods. Just because our “Boobsey Twins” are now “Blobbsey Twins” doesn’t mean we aren’t alive and kicking. If you want, I’ll kick you to prove it!! Anyway, I was alone on my book release day. Ed was working in DC. I stayed at home pretending I was exhausted from the “Parade” that was launched for me by all my adoring fans. Oops!! My vivid imagination just took over my fingers and embarrassed me again!! For example: Every time I purchase a lottery ticket, my imagination always wins. When I wrote this book, my imagination had Oprah Winfrey contacting me to join her Menopause Panel. Imaginations can be cruel but my imagination has a mind of its own and I give it free rein. Half the population experiences menopause and the book industry obviously considers “Women Issues” to be unsellable?? So, I changed my soiled big girl panties and grabbed my laptop. The battle has just begun!! They kicked my cage just once too often and I’m resolved to make this topic and my book my life’s mission. I’ll educate everyone on how “unimportant” women issues are with the Big Retail Machine. It's time the little gal wins! I will NOT be SILENCED!! After many conversations with me, myself and I – I decided that I need a new battle tactic. I want this “gray cloud” that’s been hovering over me for decades to go away. I want to finish a sentence. I want to tell a story, no matter how banal, without interruption. I want the world or anyone who will listen to pay attention. I don’t want my words to be less important than what’s on the TV or cell phone or some new cat video. I am just as relevant as that kitten – no more, no less. As I like to say, “I need to find Joy in my life! I don’t know where she lives, but I’m going to hunt that bitch down!!!” I'm going to make a trip to NYC and climb the Empire State Building (or take the elevator to the top) and scream that Menopause is real and Women matter and we are worthy of being heard!! In my teeny tiny speck of a universe, I am allowed a moment of crushing discontent. I know that my concerns are weak and disproportionate to all those with life shattering problems. I apologize for whining. This is why I meditate every day. Perspective is key. I decided early on to write a short, concise, honest and humorous Menopause book rather than interview lots of medical people to make my book 3 inches thick. I thought that if I wrote about all my messy, unattractive, crazy symptoms and exposed all the details of my personal Menopause journey, then it might help others to open up about their own. The only way I got through this chaotic and sloppy trek was to laugh at the absurdity of it all. My husband says that he should get a badge of honor for surviving "The Menopause!" I say, "He's lucky I didn't bury him in the backyard!!" I'm going to end on a happier note. I just got my first review on both Amazon and B&N . Thank you so much "Hopeless Romantic Reader!!!" Here are some women and links that have NOT been SILENCED about women’s issues. They focus on our menopause issues - the SILENT PLAGUE! Menopause Café – safe space for women to go and talk about Menopause. https://www.menopausecafe.net Oprah Winfrey and her panel of famous women – discussing Menopause. https://www.today.com/health/womens-health/oprah-winfrey-menopause-symptom-heart-health-rcna78365 https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/health/a43769544/menopause-resource-guide/ Naomi Watts talking about her Menopause and creating her company Stripes for older women and starting a conversation with The Hot Spot. https://www.today.com/health/womens-health/naomi-watts-menopause-symptoms-rcna81741 https://www.today.com/shop/naomi-watts-shopping-diaries-t267292 https://thehotspot.socialmedialink.com/members/sign_in#/ Colleen McIntosh’s blog that continues her story of Menopause and Aging. Yes, I deserve to be included in this elite group of women promoting conversations about Menopause!!! (here's my link - even though you are already here) https://www.colleenmcintosh.com/blog Menopause Survival Kits. https://people.com/experts-share-menopause-survival-kits-8362878 My book is available locally at the lovely shop in Belvedere Square – Love That!! Great holiday gifts – especially my book (I hope it's still on the shelf). https://belvederesquare.com/directory/love-that/ You can buy my book on the Bookshop site – which is the company I used to publish my book – BookBaby. Please write me a review. https://store.bookbaby.com/book/menopause1 It would be fantastic if you shared this with all your friends and family. Write a review and improve my standings with Amazon and Barnes & Noble!! Unfortunately, if they know that you are related to me in any way - they probably won't publish your review. But you can try. Another Catch 22 in the game of life! Another great place to write a review is Goodreads . These improve my standing substantially. Maybe Barnes and Noble will reinstate my "Buy Now" button. Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are my Super Hero’s!!! I've kept my "equivalent to a kitten video" image to make your heart melt with happiness. I would love to chat with you about menopause or aging or what you ate for dinner. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without interruption! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and I hope you have a safe and cheerful holiday! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh

Although for some of us (I mean me) – I use the term “Ladies” loosely! You are not alone! Sorry, that sounds a bit creepy! My husband calls us the “Un-Real Housewives of Alvarado Square!” During COVID my husband was working out of town for about 8 months. He works in film and sometimes must go where the work is – but never too far away. We live in Baltimore and he was working in Virginia – so too long a commute to be at home every night. He took our camper -“Gullible’s Travels”- rather than staying at a hotel. (BTW – I’ll be posting about GT in a later blog. I'm the one who named GT and appropriately so!!) I was working full time in a ghost town. My boss found a Covid work-around, so we had to go into the studio every day. During this time, we lost one of our dogs to cancer (my sweet baby Bob A. Licious). My husband and I decided to get a puppy to be a companion to our 15-year-old dog who was used to having a mate. So, I was training a crazy border collie puppy and assisting a mild-mannered elderly border collie up and down stairs. I fell deeper and deeper into depression during this isolation. I missed Ed and was exhausted working 10 hours a day and up all night with a puppy who needed to pee every 15 minutes. I found myself crying at odd and random moments throughout the day and night. My poor pets were very confused by my behavior and tried to console me, but I wasn't cooperating. I had to sleep in the guest room while Ed was away because my old puppy had a hard time with stairs. Sleeping in the guest also made me sad and I kept filling up the little garbage full of my tears (see pix). My cat chose to help me by shredding the much sought after Toilet Paper (remember how hard it was to find TP during COVID!!!!!). I had to change the way I put it on the roller (Under - the WRONG way) because she was shredding it daily. Toilet paper was precious during COVID so I would scoop up the shredded remains and use them to wipe because I was NOT going to waste it!! If you knew me - that alone should have set off alarm bells that I was not myself! I got absolutely no support at work. I appreciated wearing masks to hide how I really felt. Just make sure your eyes go dead! My under-my-breath mumbling was also very unclear with the mask on - so I said whatever I felt. They didn't listen to me anyway! I attempted to lift my mood by changing my hairstyle. I stopped dyeing it in the hopes that COVID would turn it gray and cool like my sisters. No such luck! I'll be doing an entire blog on hair in the future!!! My husband was very worried about me because I couldn’t stop crying. Luckily, I have a wonderful neighbor, Debbie, who was working from home and helped me out with the puppies. I also got a dog-walkers name from a neighbor who also assisted me a few days a week. It really helped – but the crying continued. Once the film shoot was completed and my husband home – I thought all was back to normal – even though COVID was still rampant. But it wasn’t. Eventually, we decided that I should quit my job or lose my mind. The decision was easy – I quit my job of 21 years. This will also be a future post. Once I gave my notice and fulfilled the 2-month obligation – I was finally released from my shackles and working at home as a freelancer. I immediately started writing my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All and researching how to publish or self-publish. It also gave me time to be with my family who lived near DC (with COVID restrictions, of course). I began recovery and started feeling more like Colleen as a human being rather than as an old sobbing workhorse. I tend to be a loner and yet very social when put in a social environment. I’m an oxymoron. Making friends is challenging for me – but I desperately wanted to be more available to have options – putting myself outside my OCD comfort zone and gaining much needed friends. My book is a personal manifesto to not only put myself out there in naked detail - but to also make connections and be available to all the women who want to talk about their menopause and life changes. To talk about anything that’s making their lives less meaningful or less easy – or even better – to talk about how fantastic their lives have become. This book has helped me to shatter my status quo and alter my tiny universe. My puppy - Tate R. Tot - who is now a teenager – gets walked a couple times a day to sniff and pee on things. We have a lovely street – filled with nice neighbors, dogs/cats and children. Everyone gets to chat while walking their dogs. Pets are a wonderful icebreaker. I know dog names more than I know the owner’s names!! I also got to know a couple neighbors when I took a face-plant right in front of them. The first time was on a wintry day. As my puppy pulled me down the street, I saw a neighbor outside with her dog and my dog-walker – chatting and waving at me. As I raised my arm to wave back – I ended up face down on the sidewalk. That initiated a long conversation about my inability to train my puppy and to remain on my feet. The second time was my own fault. I was approaching a young neighbor who was outside with her little babies and I energetically waved at the kids and woke up, once again, face down, tasting cement. I didn’t pass out or anything – I just pretended that I did to maintain a scrap of sympathy and dignity. At least everyone had a good laugh at my expense – because my body was un-injured (my ego was clearly injured). I was happy to have a conversation with another human being other than myself! All worth it! I now know it's hazardous for me to wave. So, as I got to know my neighbors more, they were shocked to find out that Ed and I have lived here for 26 years. That made me feel a bit sad and embarrassed that I’d been so isolated from my community. But it’s all worked out. One of my neighbors knows everyone on the street. She’s fantastic and always reaches out, cares for others and has become the community organizer of block parties. Laura started a “Woman’s Night” once a month and gradually added me to the growing list of the Alvarado Square Ladies Group. I was honored to be asked. My first time attending was while I was in the midst of editing my book and drawing illustrations for each chapter. I was at the height of my intensity about menopause and spewed my pent-up obsession all over her dining room table and guests. Laura was thrilled that I brought up such a “Hot” topic and we laughed uproariously at my horrific tales of menopausal angst. I became part of the group that night and have looked forward to our once a month get together with much enthusiasm. We all bring a sweet or savory snack and drink of choice. We talk and scream and laugh until way past my bedtime (8:30pm)! I can’t say enough about the importance of a fellowship of hormonally challenged women. Of course, we have a sorority of all ages – from 30 to 60 +. So, just a few of us are hormonally challenged. It’s healthy to have this mix of generations. We all learn so much from each other. I’m humbled by all their stories. This is a Sisterhood of Change. Sometimes I share and sometimes I just like to listen. It’s so empowering to be surrounded by such marvelous people. I cherish their support. This group came at such a pivotal time – because all my family that lived nearby in DC – decided to move back to Maine – en masse. When I was told of their decision – I raced back into my rabbit hole of pain and tears. My new friends helped me to crawl back into the light and I thank them for it. They are all excited about my book. When I tell them little snippets – they roar with laughter and want me to start a Podcast! I’d like to but currently lack the knowledge and tech. I also hate my voice on tape. Doesn’t everybody hate their voice on tape – except Morgan Freeman? If I did do a Podcast, it would have to be a Crime-cast – "Menopause Murdered My Hormones!!! This is a "Hot" case!" I highly recommend every woman be a part of a well-rounded group. Thank God for Laura taking the initiative. Also, I’m thankful that we all want to be together and maintain a competitive-free environment. BIG SHOUT OUT TO THE ALVARADO SQUARE LADIES!! Let me know if you have a similar group that you hang out with – I’d love to hear all about it! Another group of women that really helped and inspired me was The Ethel Circle. I found it through AARP. It’s women only and what a phenomenal group!! I’m tentatively feeling like I’m making friends all over the country. “Old Age is not a defeat, but a victory, not a punishment, but a privilege.” Dr. Ethel Percy Andrus Quote (founder of AARP) The Ethel AARP newsletter and blog forum has been a necessary group for my mental and physical health. Hearing all the stories and advice is so positive and life affirming. We are not alone and we are NOT invisible. We have relevance in this tiny world. It’s a safe space discussing women’s issues and concerns and personal journeys. I have a mini–Ethel Community that has changed my life and helped with my negative outlook. Every woman should have a “woman’s group” to talk about private thoughts and concerns – and a support system that is not family or best friends – a form of therapy. I really encourage you to check out The Ethel online or join The Ethel Circle on Facebook. I recently posted about re-inventing myself with the book and the monster marketing that I now face with my book being published. I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed and wrote a post hoping to get a little hug. Instead, I got an Atomic Hug from a huge community of Super-Women. I cried with joy and humility! Everyone was full of advice, positive words and had my back. I am tearing up just typing this. I am so glad I joined! I also want to say, “Thank You!!!” to my Beta Testers. They were so kind to read my book and give me feedback. They're all listed in my book and deserve a big “MENO-PLAUSE!” Mom – Noreen McIntosh Sister – Bridget McIntosh Brother – Scott McIntosh Sister-in-law – Sharon McIntosh Niece – Dani Wolland Niece’s Pug – Monkey Husband – Ed Slater Friend – Jamie Meadows Friend – Renee Comet Friend – Carolyn Robb Friend & Hair Stylist – Scott Figgins Another big Thank You goes to: Richard Johnson – neighbor and photo shopper of my illustrations (we met for the first time when I needed help on sizing my illustrations properly for publishing). When you see my illustrations, you’ll understand how this might not be the best way to meet a new (male) neighbor! He was a trooper and did a fantastic job! You can think of my book as an Adult Coloring Book – when you’re feeling particularly stressed and sad – just pull out your kids crayons and go to town on my illustrations. I don’t mind you raging on my avatar – I would have loved an outlet like this. I really hope you’ll become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! Also, I hope you’ll read my new book Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! It's on Pre-sale in all the major Book Retailers Now! Go to my Book Page and order from your retailer of choice! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh

Let’s just call it what it is – Stripper Class 101. Hilarious & painful workout!! I barely made it out alive!! Before I “swing” into the tale of my short-lived stripper education – I need to give you some background on my introduction into the world of crazy-ass workouts - Aerobics! I became a devout Maniac! (Or as I like to spell it – Maine-iac!) “When you give up your dream, you die.” Thank You “Flashdance” Quote! I was in my 20’s during the 80’s. My sister, Bridget, introduced me to the land of physical. She was also everyone's favorite instructor. She chose the Best Music and choreographed the Best Routines! New York was the place to be for the initiation into this new workout craze. I did Aerobics with Jennifer Beals, Flashdance music and Flashdance fashion in mind. The “uniform” included high-thigh leotard, off the shoulder artfully ripped tee shirt and sockless leggings with scrunchy leg warmers – and really big aerobics sneakers. I Maine-iac’d my Ass Off!! It was high-intensity and lots of yahooing during class. I look back on the Flashdance/Jane Fonda workouts phase and realize it was perfect timing for women to feel empowered and sexy. A sisterhood of sweaty transformation. As I meditate on the advent of working out being cool – I realize that it formed how I looked at exercise - having a fun time and staying healthy. I've maintained a workout regimen ever since (except during a major dark phase which I’ll talk about in a later blog post). As I aged, I moved on to less stressful workouts with fantastic results. Pilates became part of my meditation and introduced me to my “core.” It made me lean and mean! I’m going to digress for one sec about the movie Flashdance (it’s a must-see to understand this paragraph). Kudos to the fancy restaurant and lobster-eating sex scene! I’m from Maine so I already consider lobster the “food of the Gods” and my favorite crustacean of all time – and thanks to Flashdance, it’s an aphrodisiac too!! Love me some LOBSTAH (correct pronunciation)!! BTW – we Maine-iacs are very lobster-savvy. Maine lobster is the sweetest and most succulent. Don’t even try to argue with me. I’ve tried lobster around the world and we WIN claws down!! When I order some delivered overnight to my home in Maryland, I have a ritual prior to consuming this God-Food. I first let the 6lb. (yes, 6lbs.) lobster’s out to crawl and play (I mean look for their escape route) on the kitchen floor. They love it. Then once my water is heated to boiling – I gently turn them over and rub their bellies with my magical fingers which lulls them to sleep and into a false sense of security before I execute them. I sometimes croon lullabies to calm the savage beast but realize it’s more to calm me down. As you rub, their claws start drooping and eventually they are out like a tasty light and it’s time to cook them. I do this so they don’t scream and clank around the pot. You can’t actually hear the screams - but I do - inside my lobster-loving soul. It kills me to kill them – but it’s the one food item that turns me into a serial killer. Please forgive me lobster gods!! NOW ON TO STRIPPER WORKOUTS!! I propose that the Olympics add a new category – Exotic Dancer Lap Routine and Stripper Pole Dancing Event! These women deserve Gold Medals!! It would also boost the TV ratings! I am in awe of their pole/chair/floor routines. During menopause I needed a re-boot in the old bedroom gymnastics game. I had to regain my sexual animal that menopause kidnapped. I thought it would be a great idea to rekindle our sex life (meaning rekindle my desire to have sex) by taking exercise classes at this innovative, hot and all the rage workout club – Stripper Classes - lap dance and pole dance routines for the sexy (older) woman. Rejuvenate your waning sex life ladies!! I was desperate to find and pay ransom for my missing libido! I fell hard for the hype and with my husband’s manic encouragement, bought 6 classes to try out my “stripper” skills. I even bought the recommended and gimmicky cliched clear plastic 6-inch heels they sold in their shop. I believe I temporarily lost my f**king mind when I purchased them. BTW - I recently searched high and low for those life-threatening pumps to take a picture of them for this post but seem to recall that I threw them away or more likely threw them into a bon fire in a painful fit of rage or exorcism at the injustice of it all!! (You’ll soon understand what that passionate rant means.) Being sexy is painful!! Ed thinks I sold them in one of our yard sales. If I did - I am clearly insane. Ed was so excited!!! Here’s a pix of another pair of ridiculous ankle-breakers to give you an example of what I purchased to reignite our sex life. Actually, I had to buy them because Ed drooled all over them. I’m not allowed to throw them away in the hopes that I’ll wake up one day and decide to wear them during my cleaning chores. Like that’s a great idea. Paired with a French Maid outfit, of course. FYI – Ed insisted I buy these black stilettos to pair with my skin-tight cat-suit. Much to his disappointment - I never bought that one-piece suction cup. Deathtrap Footwear for the mentally imbalanced. You should have a f**king license for those pumps! My first class was, “The Art of Lap Dancing!” (or, more importantly, how to please your Man-Child). Have you ever laughed while wearing 6” plastic pumps and attempted walking a “stripper sexy sashay” - in a straight line – while other women encourage you with hoots and yells - without breaking an ankle? I have. How about sustaining a “squat” position for EONS - hovering over an imaginary sweaty man sitting in a chair – gyrating like my hips were having an epileptic seizure – while other women encourage you with hoots and yells? Once again, I have. We all enjoyed the class because we were newbies and it was exciting to pretend we were strippers. Turning on total strangers and hoping we’d get crumpled dollar bills - salaciously shoved into our imagined g-strings - while hanging upside down on a pole. I know this all sounds very misogynistic but playing the “working girl” was somehow a no-no erotic fantasy. Next class I took was (what I thought) a beginners Stripper Pole Dancing class – complete with wall-to-wall mirrors and mood lighting to admire your skill and sex appeal. I entered this den of pheromones with much anticipation. Young women were warming up by slithering up the pole and flipping upside down to slowly glide down to the floor landing in a puddle of SEXY! Initially I was entranced, impressed and excited. It quickly turned into these thoughts - I’M DOOMED. The nubile wanna-be erotic dancers were flying around the pole with the ease of a Cirque du Soleil acrobat and stopping on a dime in a tantalizing pose. I was more than doomed. I found an empty pole and waited for the instructor with a sweaty (damned) soul. I realized I was twice the age of the other students (I mean toddlers) but the competitive ME (which I did not know existed) grabbed the pole with ill-advised confidence and struck a pose! I followed instruction and began spinning furiously around that pole while forcing myself to keep up with the other kids in the stripper playground. I continued with this work out (I mean farce) no matter what damage I inflicted on my body and self-esteem. This was my swan song of the “assault by stripper pole.” Everything after the first 15 minutes grows a little dark and fuzzy. A slow-motion dreamlike state that convinced me I was in hell. Like the biblical descriptions of “hell” – I was in an endless loop of squealing thighs and bloody silent screams of agony. I couldn’t stop and collapsed at hour’s end into a tragic pose of pain – with a rictus grimace permanently plastered onto my dripping beet-red face. I was sprawled around the evil pole and waited for all the little girls to giggle-bounce out of the room so I could figure out how to get up off the floor. I was the last woman standing (I mean splattered). Crawling out of the room – crying and moaning in agonizing pain and humiliation - I went looking for my work out bag. I attempted to change my shoes from the 6-inch weapons of feet destruction to my harmless sneakers. I gave up. Women kept asking me if I needed help – getting up off the floor and to my car. I politely declined in a strained croak. I don’t remember getting to my car. I somehow managed and drove home only to arrive in tears. Ed came bounding out of the house in turgid glee (like a horny puppy) only to see me crying and begging for help getting out of the car!! I half-crawled, half-crab-walked, half-dragged myself up the porch steps with Ed’s help and into the house to collapse on the floor in embarrassed muscle-spasmed tears. Ed’s hopes of putting up a stripper pole in the living room were dashed. I couldn’t move for 2 days. I even needed help going upstairs to change and lick my wounds (which were real – not metaphorical). Spinning around a metal pole for an hour had consequences. The soft underbelly of my arms and legs were all red and scraped and looked like I attempted suicide with a cheese grater. It was summer and I had to wear long sleeves and pants for a couple weeks to avoid explaining my bizarre wounds. My wrists, forearms, inner thighs, ankles, etc. were rubbed raw!! I had to go to work on Monday and still could not walk upright without moaning like a dying cow. I also had 4 more paid classes to enjoy. I called the club to let them know that there should be a “warning notice” on the pole dancing classes. When they checked which class I had attended – they told me I was in the advanced class – not the beginners. WTF!!! I am sorry to say, that I did not attend anymore exotic workouts. I was defeated by a pole. I am unable to keep information like this to myself for too long – even at work. I think it’s important to share, or more aptly, warn. It’s against my nature to hide my humiliation – but always told for comedic affect. Far more palatable that way. I had the vendors and clients roaring with laughter at my pain and defeat. They were upset I had no pictures or video. I gave up my dream of stripper stardom - emulating Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. A stripper-cum-dancing phenom. An underdog with heart, passion and talent. She also gave good “lobster.” Oh, well! At least I was an underdog!! Do I recommend trying a class like this? Yes, I do – but make sure you get a doctor’s note, protective gear and take the right class! I’m sorry to say, that my brief stripper fantasy days were over much to my husband’s disappointment. But he saw with his own eyes how dangerous that vocation could be to one’s health – mental and physical. Not pretty. So, my Pheromones are now “Fear-o-mones” thanks to that devil pole and menopause. My husband, Ed, said I need a “safe word” for my next workout class - (another Ed-ism). I’ll be signing my book - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All - at the Barnes and Noble in White Marsh on the Avenue in Maryland on December 2, at 2pm. I’d love to see you there. You’ll get a free Hot Flash Fan with your book purchase!! Contact me if you have a funny or horrific workout story! I hear Mermaid Workouts are fun!! I really hope you’ll become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh

Hot Flashes – The Name of My New Band! Hot Flashes for me were not gradual. With no forewarning, they began one normal weeknight while sleeping. I woke up confused and covered in sweat in the middle of the night. Frantic and embarrassed, I wasn’t sure if I’d peed the bed or we’d had some massive heatwave localized to our bedroom or I was dreaming. All three options were incorrect. I had a Hot Flash and the literal tides of youth had turned to middle age in a puddle of brine. I still had no idea what was happening, because no one (older female – like my MOM) told me about the onset of menopause symptoms. Yes, I’d heard the word menopause from some unknown source – but never once heard a woman in my universe speak this word out loud. When I asked my mom about them, she said, “They’re just hot flashes. I still get them.” Very nonchalant and no big whoopty-do about drenching your sheets every night and thinking this was okay! (And what did she mean by, “I still get them?” My mom is 20 years older than me, so how long do Hot Flashes last???) She would change the subject so fast that I’m still suffering from whiplash. As I mentioned in Blog #1 – the Boomer and previous generations of women did not discuss something so uncomfortable and chose denial instead. The Menopausal Hot Flashes primarily occurred during what should have been “rest and rejuvenation” time – but would occasionally pop up during the day at work. I was in my early 40s working for an advertising studio specializing in food photography. I was the Production Manager and Prop Stylist. I wore many hats and did everything but snap the picture. I never knew when the Hot Flash would happen. One minute I’d be talking to clients about our next food setup and out of the blue I’d feel this swelling of atomic heat from within. It would mushroom outward and result in what I called, “Tears (of sweat) all over my body.” My Body Was Literally Crying For Help!!! I’d also have blossoms of red blobs on my face and neck to emphasize my soggy appearance, just in case no one noticed my sheen of desperation or sodden armpits. There was no hiding when this storm occurred. I’d see a look of mild disgust come over the client’s face as they took a tiny step back away from me, in case it was contagious. I’d eventually sneak off to the bathroom to towel myself down and reapply deodorant. Indignities were part of my everyday activity. A new hobby of sorts. I’m lucky that my Menopausal Hot Flashes did not last as long as my mom’s. They did eventually taper off but left a lasting impression on my mind and mattress. Unfortunately, Menopause doesn't have just ONE symptom. My MOOD SWINGS (yes, it should be capitalized) overlapped my Hot Flashes – just to make life more interesting. Like my Hot Flashes, I had little to no control over when my Mood Swing would flare up. I’d realize they were in full swing, when I was performing a song from my new band, The Hot Flashes. In reality (which can be a real stretch for me) there is no “band,” but the performing part is true. I would do the craziest things during episodes of Mood Swings. If you’ve read my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All, then you may recall some of my MS antics: 1. Dancing like Lord of the Dance for all attendees 2. Get deathly quiet and my blood-red beady blue eyes are just slits of pure disgust – praying that I can kill you with a wink and a prayer 3. Burst into tears Just a few listed for you to get the idea. I felt completely out of control during this phase. I’ve had a lot of people refer to me as “animated” or “dramatic”, but my Mood Swings took me to an upper stratum of crazy. Medication was often recommended to me during menopause. Special pills to calm the beast. Anyway, Mood Swings should be its own Blog!! Let’s get back to “Menopausal Women are Hot!” Of course, this card that was sent to me (strangely by my brother-in-law) had double meaning. An obvious joke about Menopausal Women and their f**king Hot Flashes and also a fact that Menopausal Women ARE Hot! I know quite a few women of a certain age that one can assume they no longer have their period and are in menopause – that are sexy, vital and relevant. Just to list a few famous women that I consider HOT that you would recognize: 1. Helen Mirren 2. Oprah Winfrey 3. Jamie Lee Curtis 4. Michelle Obama 5. Naomi Watts 6. Drew Barrymore 7. Angela Bassett 8. Michelle Pfeiffer 9. Michelle Yeoh The list goes on and on!! I could also list people I personally know but fear if I accidentally left someone out – I’d be left off any future guest list. My dance card is already pretty limited, so I don’t want to lose out on any potential future invitation. Did that sound sad and desperate? Well, it is. These women and countless others - famous or not - did not lose their Hotness just because they went through Menopause or Aged out of the Ingenue category of life. Jeez Louise!!! BTW – Who is Louise? Being considered beautiful, sexy, confident and HOT is not limited to women that can still procreate. Those women are beautiful too, but we older women shouldn’t be disregarded as irrelevant once we stop bleeding. Metaphorically, women never stop bleeding. We bleed everyone's and everything’s pain. That is our job because we can handle the burden and responsibility. My husband, Ed, still looks at me lustfully, despite the way I feel about myself and my lack of hormones. He thinks I’m a HOT Menopausal and that I get hotter as I get older. Of course, he does have some eye issues, but I know he is still turned on by me. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy to know my husband loves and desires me. For Ed, seeing me in a French maid outfit would be the cherry on top! That hasn't happened yet much to his dismay! It doesn’t hurt that Ed is HOT too!!! More on this topic, because I haven't done a Blog Post on Hormones yet. I touch on it in my book, but it's a whole other bag of menopausal challenges! I really hope you’ll become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything! Please Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh