Conversations with my Furry Children!

Hurry up you foolish wench!! Stop talking to yourself and turn on our royal spigot! We must have a beverage and bath!!

Happy Mother's Day!! I consider our "pets" as part of the family unit. We don't have children and our furballs have filled that void. Rather than dealing with the terrible 2's or teenage rage or having a permanent rent-free tenant into their 40's - we have the pleasure of a pet's unconditional love - for the most part!

I've written about all our pets over the years in previous blogs, but today I'll concentrate on our current extended family - Tatertot and Rey.

WHY ARE YOU HOLDING MY HEAD! MUST CONSUME VAST AMOUNTS OF WATER AND VOMIT!!!

Like Helen Mirren in the Uber Eats commercial, I narrate (talk to myself) about my every move - all day long - often in the presence of Tater or Rey. Sometimes I get a response with a mind-numbing bark or meow. But, more often than not, I get no response - just a quizzical expression of curiosity or concern. I'd like to think they are interested in everything I say - but obviously it's with their own agenda in mind.

We don't have multiple collars, cutsie outfits, baby prams, fancy beds, etc. for our furry children because our pets have never been breeds or personalities that desire the fancier accoutrements. We pamper our loved ones to a degree of sanity. I'm not disparaging those that choose the path of luxury pet couture items - but I know that our border collies/aussie have all had rudimentary needs and frou-frou things don't interest them. Also, any attempts on my part to enhance their cuteness, have immediately been removed (shredded) with disdain. Give them a ball, kong or frisbee - anything that is thrown &/or bounces - and you have one happy pup! They are outdoor (and indoor) herding dogs - so we are used to being coaxed (herded) in certain directions even though going to the bathroom was my intention all along. Pampering them is allowing them to lay on our (my) feet every night while watching TV. You just have to wake those feet up before you stand or the alternative can be painful and embarassing! If you really want to coddle them - you allow them on the couch - but once you start allowing those couch privileges - it's hard to reverse. Most of our dogs have been food driven - but, like humans - you need to portion out the treats. They don't get unlimited treats - or they'd weigh 150 lbs. and never have the energy to chase a ball. Encouraging them early on with carrots, cucumbers and dried sweet potato wedges as an alternative treat is key. It's inevitable that you'll have to bathe them as puppies - so make it a pleasurable event - so you can manage the crazy as they age. As puppies - introduce them to brushing. As you gently pull out wads of hair - call them pretty or handsome - so come spring-time you can rid them of the massive quantity of winter fur accumulation. I also recommend you train your dog to like his feet/paws being wiped off about 20 times a day - because their love of the outdoors and running in circles - during sunshine or inclement weather - makes for one messy pup (and house). Tater has learned to assume the position and lift his paws to ease my aging back! Good boy!

Dressing up Tater for the Xmas photo was eventful and painful! He's wondering, "WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHY ARE YOU MAD AT ME? WHY AM I WEARING A CAPE? AAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHH??"

Tater is a border collie - which is one of the smartest breeds. Border collies also tend to be hyper, ADHD and OCD. Each of our border collies over the last 27 years have had their own unique obsessive quirks. Tater happens to be extra hyper and special, therefore he has a few! He's created a "licking" path from the front door to the office - with 2 spots marking his preferred OCD licks as a permanent feature. He runs back and forth with much agitation and the repetitive action of licking specific spots seems to calm him (and drive me nuts). When the postal person delivers our mail - Tate is at the door sniffing it as if he can suck them inside for inspection - friend or foe? When guests arrive - Tater is the first one out the front door - before they have even entered. He's off doing his favorite activity - running and performing his circuit of the front yard - which he does every time without fail. Tater then comes zooming back inside to determine if these alien humans smell acceptable for home entry. I feel dogs have an innate ability to judge one's character, however, if we've invited people over - they have already been cleared for the "decent humans" criteria. If Ed leaves the house for more than 10 minutes - Tater is a wiggling whirlwind of adoration that his Alpha has returned alive and in one piece. Ed then has to show equal amounts of excitement by picking up the wiggling, yipping furball and twirling him around in circles. Once deposited back to the floor - Tate does his second favorite circuit by running downstairs and touching the corner of the washing machine base and then flying back up and running to the office and then back into the dining room and living room to make sure Ed has not exited the house again. He does not treat me with such enthusiasm - I get a whine, wiggle and sniff. I guess that means I'm the more stable parent? He's smart but not the best judge of parental durability! I'm steadfast in my love for Tate, but not the most mentally sound!

Rey, "Why is our human lying in bubbly water naked?" Tater, "MUST JUMP IN AND JOIN MY ALPHA! MUST DRINK ALL THE SELTZER WATER! WHY IS CAT TALKING TO ME???"

THROW IT!! THROW IT!! HURRY UP!! WHY IS SHE PHOTOGRAPHING MY FAVORITE CHEW BALL! WHY ARE YOU TORTURING ME!! THROW IT!!!!!

Tate does like to lay on my feet whenever I'm seated. Yes, I have been known to stand up and then fall over becuase my feet were asleep! Tater whines often and sometimes at such high pitches - I can't hear him but Ed can. Tate barks when someone is at the door - and at such high pitches - he rings the door chime. I believe my tinnitus is a result of Tater's deafening yips! If I sit down on the couch - Tate will stare at me with his mind-meld capabilities until I notice him. Once he's caught my attention - he runs over to the toy basket and will look back and forth between me and the basket until I get off my ass and play indoor ball toss with him. Once we start playing - I've trained Tate to stop when Ed walks in the room - because if Ed is in the room - all playtime is over (and gives me a break). Sometimes - if we are watching TV and Ed goes to the bathroom - Tate will grab the ball (his toy - not Ed's balls) and throw it at me (with his mouth) to play while Ed is peeing. He'll occasionally run to check Ed's progress to see if we can manage a couple more throws. Tate will alert me of his treat time - which is after breakfast, after dinner and at 8pm (or anytime he thinks he can get away with it). Tate was a covid puppy and unable to socially integrate into the neighborhood dog community. As a result, he took on the roll of protector of Colleen, home and yard - his territory! He was an unpredictable pup towards other dogs and people. He has since grown into a selective aggressor. He prefers women to men - except for Richard - who he adores!! Richard helped me with my book images and was introduced to Tate early on. Richard and Danielle - who Tate adores - have a beautiful sweet tiny whippet that Tate considers his girlfriend. He is madly in love! We discovered his strange aggression (lunging and nipping low - like herding sheep) is dedicated to our local community (street). He was a perfect well-behaved dog on our recent road trip to Florida! We were astonished how chill he was with strange dogs and people. So it confirmed that his territory is his policing beat! Tate's nighttime OCD routine is licking the finger I just used to apply my nighttime lip balm - along with getting his pre-sleep leg and neck massage. He then wedges his head under the bed until lights go out before heading down the stairs to wedge his body on the last step so he can guard the closed door. No cats allowed!

A very quick summary of Tater's endearing (peculiar) traits.

WHY ARE YOU PREVENTING ME FROM SWIMMING IN THIS BIG STREAM!!! WHY DID THEY PUT SALT IN IT?? UNLEASH ME! MUST GO GET BIG ORANGE BALL ON WATER!!!

These are some typical conversations with Tater:

A. Dog Walking:

Me (in my sing song mommy voice), "Tater - you want to go for a walk?"

Tater (whining, barking and running), "EEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!! OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!! MUST RUUUUUUUN!! MUST PEE ON THINGS!! MUST SMELL EVERYTHING!! MUST PROTECT MY HUMAN!!! AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH! HURRY UP!!!!!!!

Me (a little impatient and firmer voice), "Stop wiggling Tater! We aren't going anywhere til you get your leash on - SIT!"

Tater (agitated but sits because he really wants to tour the neighborhood), "BARK! BARK! I LOVE RUNNING DOWN THE STREET WITH YOU IN TOW! YOU SMELL GOOD!"

Me (finally leashed - I unlock the gate - but still saying), "Stop! Sit! Sit Tate!"

Tater (whining and wiggling in a seated position), "OMG! OMG! I LOVE NON-ALPHA HUMAN! I LOVE SMELLING EVERYTHING! MUST RUUUUUUUUUN!!! HUMAN IS SO SLOW!!"

Once out of the gate - it becomes a tug of war until we hit the sidewalk and our daily route.

Me (doing my tug on the leash to slow him down while saying), "Stay with me Tate!"

Tater (reluctantly following direction - but a tad irritated that I am so f**king slow), "MUST DO MY JOB! MUST SMELL EVERYTHING! MUST CHECK FOR FOREIGN INVADERS! MUST PROTECT MY NON-ALPHA HUMAN! OMG! THAT SMELLS SO GOOD!! OMG! MUST PEE ON IT!! OMG! I LOVE SMELLING PEE AND POOP!! OMG! WALLY WAS HERE AND HE IS MY ENEMY AND I MUST PEE ON HIS PEE TO DEFEAT MY FOE! OMG! OMG! HURRY UUUUUUUP HUMAN!!"

Me (getting into a rhythm and doing my normal chatting with Tate while assuming he will respond), "Isn't it a nice day Tater? Look at the pretty flowers! STOP! Don't trample them! Keep moving! NO! Stay on the sidewalk! We are not going on the neighbors lawn!! With me, Tate! With Me!"

Tater (disappointed but moving back to the sidewalk), "WHY? WHY? WHY CAN'T I DO MY JOB? I NEED TO IDENTIFY THE UNKNOWN CAT SMELL ON THE GRASS! AAARRRGGGHHHHH!"

Me (spying a person up ahead walking their dog - unknown to this neighborhood), "Let's cross the street, Tater. I don't know that dog up ahead."

Tater (getting their scent with keen attention - BIG ears at full alert), "OMG! OMG! OMG! WHO IS THAT DOG? IS THAT A DOG??? WHO IS THAT PERSON? THEY DON'T BELONG HERE! OMG! OMG! OMG! I MUST SMELL THEM! I MUST PROTECT MY HUMAN! HURRRY UP SO I CAN BE BRAVE AND SHOW YOU MY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE! HURRY UP SLOW HUMAN!"

Tate immediately starts to get his pull collar off to charge into battle - but I prevent him from doing so. It's a predictable pattern on each walk. He loves his routine and focused on three things - sniffing everything, peeing on everything and protecting me/territory. Once we arrive at our final sit position to cross the street to our yard - Tate sits and vibrates until I say "Let's go." He runs like the dogs of hell are at his heels to do his "circuit" - yes, another circuit - around the front yard tree and down the driveway and up the driveway to make sure I'm following and then down to the gate - whining and barking for me to hurry the f**k up!

B. Dinner Meal:

Unlike his breakfast, the evening meal has the addition of some soft food mixed into his dry kibble. Tater hovers around me between 4 - 5pm because it's approaching his meal-time. Our furry children have uncanny inner clocks. The whining to get my attention and herd me downstairs to the dog food bowl is his way of communicating.

Me (grabbing his open can of dog food from the fridge), "Okay Tater - time for dinner!"

Tater (immediately running (flying) down the basement stairs before I've finished that sentence - impatiently waiting for me to follow with my very slow (two) human legs), "AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! HURRY UP YOU SLOW BIPED!! WHY DON'T YOU HAVE 4 LEGS? SO MUCH FASTER!! HURRY UP! HURRY UP! I'M SO HUNGRY! MUST HAVE FOOD!! HURRY UP!!!!!!! WHERE'S THE STUPID SCARY CAT!!!! HURRY UP!!!"

Me, "Stop jumping. Stop whining. I'm going as fast as I can. Almost there - just got to stir it up. Stop barking!"

Tater, "OMG! OMG! I LOVE YOU BUT YOU ARE SOOOOOO SLOOOOOOOOOW! I FEEL FAINT! MUST HAVE YUMMY FOOD! HURRY UP SLOW OLD HUMAN! SORRY! SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO CALL YOU SLOW! I'LL LICK YOU NOW! THAT WILL HELP YOU GO FASTER! OMG! OMG!"

Me, "Good god Tater! Calm down! Here you go - you crazy dog!"

Tater, "MMMMRRRRGGGGHHH! HAPPY!"

Me, "I'm going upstairs. Slow down! This isn't a race."

Tater, "WHERE IS MY HUMAN GOING? MUST HURRY! MUST HERD! MMMMMMMRRRRGGGGHHH! YUMMY!"

We then reconvene in the kitchen for his after dinner treat. It takes him approximately 2 minutes to eat his bowl of food and run upstairs to make sure I'm standing next to the dog treat container. If I'm not in position - he comes to find me!

Me, "Okay, okay! Good puppy! Here's your treat!"

Tater, "WHY DOES IT TAKE YOU SO LONG TO..........YUMMY, YUMMY, YUMMY! TREAT YUMMY! WANT MORE! TOO SMALL! CAT GETS 2 TREATS! MUST HAVE MORE TREATS! MMMRRRRGGGGGHHHH! BALL THROW NOW!!!!"

C. Inside Ball Throwing:

This indoor playtime is in a carefully controlled breakable environment. He is extremely enthusiastic, so I have to make sure I am paying attention and in charge.

Tater (while looking at me and then at his toy basket which holds his favorite balls), "BALL! BALL! BALL! BALL! WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? I'M STARING AT BIG BASKET! ARE YOU STUPID? SORRY! SORRY!! I WANT BALL! PLAY WITH ME HUMAN! PLAY WITH ME!!! AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!"

Me, "Okay! You want to play ball? Let me get your pink one."

Tater, "FINALLY! HERE SHE COMES! THE HUMAN IS GETTING MY BALL! GET THE PINK ONE! NOT THE BLUE ONE! PINK ONE SMELLS LIKE DOG MOUTH! LOVE DOG MOUTH! HURRY UP! HURRY UP! MUST CATCH THE PINK BALL! NOW! OMG! OMG! OMG! THE HUMAN IS FINALLY THROWING THE............MRPHBPSAMRMPHLMPHL!!"

Me, "Bring it to me. Drop it. Drop it. DROP IT! Good boy!"

Tater, "STOP MESSING AROUND! OMG! OMG! OMG! HURRY UP SLOW HUMAN! MUST CATCH BALL 23 TIMES OR WORLD WILL BLOW UP!! THROW IT! THROW IT! 17 MORE TO GO!! THROW IT!!"

This continues for the next 20 minutes or until Ed enters the room. Throwing it over and over while either sitting on the couch watching a show or practicing different commands using the ball as incentive. Tater is in dog heaven when catching balls and exhausting me!

Playing toss outside is essentially the same except for pooper scopping before playtime. border collies are basically engineered to fly above ground like hovercrafts but a lot faster!! Also, his toy of choice in the backyard is a squeaky pumpkin toy. If we lose this toy - I'll have to wait until Halloween to purchase a new one in the basement bin at Pet Smart!

E. Nighttime Routine:

Before we head upstairs for the night - Tater is taken out in the front yard for his final nighttime pee! He flies off the porch and proceeds to pee on every tree and sniff out other dog leftovers on the sidewalk and fence. His frenetic last minute pee routine (patrol) marks the next phase of putting the humanoids to bed! Once he is called inside - he runs to the upstairs door and whines until I let him in to check for boogeymen and give us the all clear.

I have established a nighttime routine of massaging his legs and giving him a good scratch and rubdown! Then after I've gotten ready for bed and applied my evening lip balm - I let Tater lick my finger. Gross? Yes! But he loves my lip balm and I prefer he lick my finger to my lips!! Ed is jealous but never allowed to lick my finger! I draw the line at humans!

Me (after applying my lip balm - but not cleaning off my finger),"Okay Tate! Here you go! Lip balm."

Tater (lying on the floor on Ed's side of the bed - awaiting my finger), "OOOOOHHHHH FINGER JUICE!!! SMELLS LIKE MINT AND NON-ALPHA HUMAN! "MMMMMMMMRRRRRPHPPPPPPHHHH....(lick lick lick slurp lick slurp)! MORE! MORE! GET CLOSER! YOUR LIPS SMELL GOOD! CLOSER! CAN'T GET MY TONGUE THAT FAR!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO.....DON'T LEAVE! MUST LICK YOUR FACE!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMRRRRGGGGMMMMMLLLLLLMMMMMMMMMYUMMY!! SLURP! SLURP! MORE!! MORE!! LIPS!! MMMMMMMMM! MUST CLEAN FINGER OF SMELLY STUFF!!!"

Me (while wiping off my finger of Tate juice), "There you go honey! Stop licking me! Time for your massage! Not the lips!"

Tater (tongue extended an inch from my face), "LICKING GOOD! MUST LICK MORE! NO! NO! CAN'T LICK HER LIPS! LICK HER ARM! MMMMMM....SO CLOSE TO LIPS! BE GOOD!"

Me (while massaging his front legs), "What a good puppy! You are so handsome! Mommy loves you so much! Does that feel good? What a strong puppy!"

Tater (lying there while his eyes look away and then dart to look at me - with his front legs sticking straight out), "MMMMMM! AAAAAAAHHHH! MUST NOT MOVE OR HUMAN WILL STOP! LITTLE HIGHER! LIPS SMELL GOOD! NOT SO ROUGH! RUB MY BELLY! MMMMMMM!'

Me, "Does that feel good? Let's switch legs! I'll get your shoulders too! Good puppy! Let's rub your chest!"

Tater, "BELLY! BELLY! YES! MMMMMMMMMM........LOWER! LOWER! PENIS NEEDS RUBBING TOO! CLOSER! DON'T STOP!!!!! ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHH! HUMAN STOPPED!!!! HUMAN NEVER DOES PENIS! I MUST LICK IT NOW!"

Me, "Okay - that's enough! (gross - ick!). Nighty Night sweetie! Mommy loves you!"

Tate, "LOVE YOU! LOVE YOU! TREAT? MORE LIP JUICE! I WILL GET HER LIPS ONE DAY! MUST PRETEND TO SLEEP NOW! LOVE YOU! WHERE IS CAT? CAT SCARY! MUST PROTECT MY HUMANS! PUT HEAD UNDER BED! MUST PATROL! WANT MORE LIP JUICE! MUST.......ZZZZZZZZZZZ!"

My Furry Tater is a beautiful boy!

Tater is a smart dog - but a true ADHD/OCD border collie. I talk to my pets all day long. I suspect they just hear gobbledygoop words and intonations - but I think Tater understands my moods because if I cry or get upset about something - his reaction is to comfort me. Lot's of licks, whining and invading my personal space (lap). I also suspect that his inner monologue involves comforting me with his favorite things - ball, treat, food, herding and licking me because that's what makes him happy! Dog logic - Happy Dog! Happy Human!

Why is our death Rey not working!!

Our cat, Rey, is literally and figurtively, a whole other animal! She could care less if I'm sad or upset - unless it affects her needs. She is in charge! That says it all. We have never had cuddly meek tabbies. Ours seem to come with sharp claws, massive mood swings and a long list of demands. Rey has full autonomy over her realm and subjects - me, Ed, Tater, guests and any warm-blooded person or critter that invades her territory. She basically (barely) tolerates us. When I have a conversation with Rey, all I can hear in response is an aristocratic British accent - queenly in reaction and response - with barely concealed tolerance of her human domestic. I call myself her Lady-in-Waiting (slave). I fulfill all her menu needs, grooming needs and petting needs. Our routine is also set in stone and god forbid you change it or ignore (defy) her. Rey is primarily vocal with me. She has me well-trained. The minute I get up the meows (royal commands or displeasures) begin. She meows while I replenish the water bowls. She meows while I'm spooning out her morning soft food (1/2 teaspoon). She intentionally doesn't finish her seafood delight because she expects me to pick up her bowl and hold it at an angle to make it easier for her to lap up every morsel and then grunts when she's finished. She meows while she follows behind me as I walk to the laundry basin to clean her royal china (metal) bowl. She meows as she impatiently waits for me to finish my chores so she can hop into the utility tub (queenly bath) and meows for me to hurry up and position the golden spigot for her to clean her face, paws and lap water. She meows while I clean her imperial poop and pee from the majestic toilet (kitty litter). She meows when I clean up the floor of her monumental kitty litter mess (which is everywhere)! She meows when I refill her regal dry food bowl and expects a lavish massage while Her Royal Highness chows down. I have to do her first because if I pick up Tater's bowl to feed him - the meows get louder and more aggressive. When the furballs are fed - I am then expected to pick up her royal fat ass and carry her upstairs to get her morning tour of the palace (hobbit house). I then have to open up the blinds for her to peruse the royal garden (front yard). She's especially chatty in the morning, whenever she wants a good body rubdown or a treat! She's a Royal Pain in the ASS!

We command you to turn on the spigot - slovenly thrall!

Why are you photographing us, wench! RUB US!!!

When Rey feels like being pet (massaged) - she'll enter any room I'm in and loudly flop down on the floor near me and meow once. Her "flops" make a noise (thud). She is not a "petite" cat. She sleeps alot during the day. Her preferred soft spots are the couch, big comfy chair, guest bed behind the pillows or under the duvet, upstairs on our bed under the throw, window sills behind the couch and sometimes at the top of her cat castle. Often we can't find her - so we look for bed lumps or any of her various lazing spots - but we also check inside closets because she'll sneak in just as we are closing the door. I think the longest closet visit was about 3 hours (linen closet). She doesn't meow when in a closet and I can't figure out why because she's so vocal about everything else. She doesn't meow when we are searching for her. But she's fairly pissed off when you finally open that door and runs out in a meowing huff!!

She doesn't lay on top of Ed but will "spoon" with him while we watch TV - I am the pillow (saggy boobs) of choice. She will always select the one person in the room that is a tad nervous obout her seating selection. I'm much better than I used to be - but Rey loves to lie on my chest/belly with her front claws and sharp teeth at my throat! I'm not afraid that she will bite me - but deathly afraid that someone (Ed or Tate) will do something to startle her while she vaults off my chest/neck/face - with nails extended and mouth agape - meowing her displeasure primarily at the person at hand (me)! I always have alcohol in the medicine cabinet to swab my wounds. I wear nothing that I care deeply for - becuase it gets shredded! I remind Ed to make no sudden movements or make a loud noise while I'm petting her royal ass as she's comfortably ensconsed on my vulnerable body. Ed forgets every now and then!!! It hurts!!

Rub my head servant!!! (I'm somewhere under that blanket!)

Why are you showing us your talk box? Rub me!!

The meowing occurs throughout the day depending on her needs. She meows if she hears the metal can rattle which holds her royal brush. She meows when she wants attention or needs me to decipher her needs - like looking out the office window at some trespasser (bird/squirrel/bunny/cat/dog/garbage truck) or to read her mind while I'm at the computer as she flops on the rug for her regal massage or to pet her whenever I enter the room she currently occupies, etc. Anytime I need to go to the bathroom - Rey is already there sitting on the tub bench. It's like she reads my mind (bladder). I must pet her while seated - which can be challenging since she likes to sit just out of my perched reach! Then she hops back up on the tub bench with her back to me - waiting for her maid servant (slave) to gently lean over to give Her Majesty a hug! Strangely, she doesn't meow very often when she wants a treat that is located in the kitchen. Instead, while I'm prepping lunch or dinner, I'll feel a creepy itch between my shoulder blades as if some imposing presence is watching me, and I'll turn to see her sitting in her 'treat" spot (between the fridge and pie shelf in the corner) while glaring at me with a twitching tail. If I don't stop immediately and get her a treat - I will pay for it later. When I open a can of tuna in the kitchen - her noble nose smells it from upstairs and charges down meowing. She assumes it's been opened for her - so I have to listen to her rage until I can empty the contents and set down the tin for her to lick the remnants. My imperial cat is much loved and much feared. Of course, Ed is her consort and allowed all the lordly privileges. I serve a unique (indentured) purpose and tolerated - but much missed whenever I'm away from home - because her consort (lover) doesn't pamper Her Royal F**king Highness like I do!!

She finally stops scream-eowing when the tuna tin is placed on her royal paper towel (linen)!

Just a few of Rey's endearing (pain in the ass) qualities.

This is a typical conversation with Rey:

A. Morning Royal Breakfast/Routine:

It takes me a little while to fully wake up in the morning. I like quiet and tend to slowly emerge from sleep - to gently start a new day - and beeline it to the kitchen for my iced coffee! Rey doesn't give a rat's ass and is impatiently waiting for her morning victuals to be prepared by her minion (me).

Me (heading for the kitchen first to prep my vat of coffee), "Mmmmmm....coffee!"

Rey (waiting in the bathroom but pissed that she has to follow me into the kitchen), "Me-ow! Meow!! MEOW! MEOW! MEEEOOOW!!!!!"

Me (making coffee for Ed and gulping down my iced coffee - fully aware that Her Highness would like me to wait on her first), "Gotta make the coffee for Ed. Gotta wake up Rey. Stop hovering. I know! I know! I'll get to you shortly, bitch (muttered under my breath)."

Rey (obviously glaring at me with tail twitching - shocked at my insubordination), "Meow! ME@*#%OW!! We Are Not Amused! We'll be waiting on our throne in the toilet! If you are NOT in our presence by the count of 10 - OFF WITH YOUR HEAD!!"

While water is heating up in the kettle - I drink my much needed and loved iced coffee while checking out what horrific, demented Trump news happened overnight on my phone - knowing that Rey is pissed off - but I don't care because America is being shredded for his personal gain. Once Ed's coffee is made - I grab HRH's cat food from the fridge and announce my descent to the basement. She initially acts disinterested but her royal belly has a mind of its own! She comes screaming (meowing) downstairs and doesn't shut up for the next half hour!

Me (refilling water bowls, collecting her cat bowl and spoon, feeding her the morning soft food - 1/2 teaspoon of royal fish of the day (cat food) while she keeps getting in my way so I can't feed her - trying to eat out of the can because she's so impatient - with her ASS in my face), "Okay! Okay! Get your ass out of my face! Stop meowing! I'm doing everything as fast as I can you pain in the......! Here's your food your royal heinie!!"

Rey (meowing like she hasn't eaten in a week), "Meooooow!!!! Hurry up, you stupid wench! Why did you make us wait? We are faint from hunger!!! WE HATE YOU! YOU ARE DISMISSED! NO, WAIT!! We will forgive you this one time if you hurry up! One can't find good help these days! Me-Ow - We want our foo.......mmmmmrrrryumaaaarrgghmmm!"

Me (cleaning up as she attacks the bowl - seafood flying), "Slow down Rey! OMG! Get it in your mouth! Here, let me lift your bowl before you spill it everywhere!"

Rey (in a trance of gluttony and zero decorum), "Mmmmyyyyuuuurmrrraaaahhhrrrgg! YES! LIFT MY ROYAL BOWL SO WE DON'T MISS ONE DROP OF OUR MORNING REPAST!! HURRY UP HUMAN CHATTEL!!"

Me (slightly disgusted by her grunting and raspy licking - holding the bowl with my fingers a little to close to her razor sharp teeth), "Okay, I'll turn the bowl so it's easier to get that bite! You missed one! God you made a mess! Don't bite my finger!!! There you're done!"

Rey (dizzy from her frenetic consumption - but ready to make more demands), "BURP!! Tuna with a shrimp sauce! Delightful!! Burp! Now we are thirsty! Carry us lackey to the royal tub! WHAT!! MY THRALL LEFT US! She will pay for this insubordination! We are going to have words with her!!!!"

Me (cleaning her bowl and spoon quickly because I know she is right behind me), "Here you go, Rey!"

Rey (Rey jumps in meowing - while I turn on the water faucet), "We are not amused! We will discuss this when..........slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp!!"

Me (already on to the kitty litter - emptying her poop/pee and sweeping up the floor), "Wow, Rey! How can so much poop and pee come out of one cat overnight! This is disgusting! You got kitty litter everywhere!!"

Rey (sated but looking forward to her second course of salmon kibble - she sees me on the floor sweeping up her nightly toilet adventures), "What are you doing down there handmaid? Our second breakfast is not refilled!! Sigh! Do we have to do everything!! Unlock that cabinet and we'll get it ourselves!! This is unacceptable!! Clean that later foolish drudge!! What do you expect - it was dark!!!!"

Me (I finally finish cleaning up her mess and unlock the cabinet to get her kibble), "Okay Rey, here's a refill. No, don't jump up in there! I can't believe you ate most of that bowl of food. You are getting a little chubby Rey! Maybe you need to go on a diet!"

Rey (trying to get in the cabinet to tear open her bag of royal kibble), "Out of our way girl!! Oof! How DARE you close that door and touch the royal we!! You have overstepped one time too many lackey!! We are calling our Royal Consort to.................ooooohhhhhhhkibbleyumyumyumyumunchmunchmmmm!"

Me (petting Rey for a couple minutes while she crunches away - cleaning up some more and prepping Tater's simple bowl of dog kibble - no muss and no fuss), "Okay, Rey. It's Tater's turn. Why are you mewoing at me? No, I'm not picking you up! My hands are full. Oh, for god's sake, come here!"

Rey (at my feet meowing insistently), "Put down that dog bowl and pick up Her Royal HIghness right now or I'll call my guard!!!! We have not completed the morning constitutional yet! Pick us up gently and proceed with our grand tour of the palace and grounds! We shouldn't have to remind you, servant!"

Me (picking up Rey - which is not as easy as it sounds - while putting down everything else - I carry her upstairs and we walk through the main floor rooms before depositing her in the office so she can look out the windows at the front yard), "Here we go! Look at the fan! See, that's you in the mirror! Aren't you pretty! Okay, let's go to the office and you can oversee the front yard activity!"

Rey (sighing, but loving the tour of her domain, she is sonewhat satisfied with her morning thus far), "We are waving and acknowleging our royal subjects and realm. I see our royal consort is busy tending our gardens. We are pleased with him! I'm not done with my tour yet, girl! Oof! She threw us on the couch like a sack of potatoes!! How DARE she!!! OOOOHHHHH........the drapes (shades) have been opened for me to peruse the palace entrance and wave at our adoring citizens. Our radiance has intoxicated them!! Aaaaaaahhhhhh...we are very pleased! Now we are sleepy and need a nap!"

B. Brushing Rey:

The minute I open the tin can in the kitchen - Rey comes stampeding into the living room scream-eowing - knowing that it is time for her favorite activity (other than eating) - being brushed!

Me (holding the instrument of joy in my hand), "Look Rey! You want me to brush you?"

Rey (frantically running back and forth from me to the couch - while never taking her eyes off the brush), "MEOW! MEOW! OUR BRUSH! WE LOVE THAT BRUSH! MEOW! MEOW! HURRY UP YOU COW! SORRY, SORRY! WE ARE SO HAPPY! WE LOVE THE BRUSHING OF THE ROYAL WE!!!!!"

Me (sitting on the couch in a specific spot to brush Rey), "Calm down! Stop moving! There. Doesn't that feel good? You love it when I brush your head and jowls! I love it when you purr! Wow! There is a lot of hair Rey! Stop moving! Come back here!"

Rey (wiggling with excitement and in heaven when I brush the top of her head and especially her pheromone laden jowls), "Puuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrr! We looooooovvve brushing! We.....aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh.....oooooohhhhhhh.......love....puuuurrrrrrrrrr! (drool) More on our royal cheeks! More, handmaid!!!!"

Me (trying to brush her as she keeps turning her ass to my face), "Get your ass out of my face, Rey! I can't reach your head!"

Rey (with her ass in my face), "We are showing you our royal appreciation for your service by presenting the royal ass to be admired and licked! This is a grave honor to be bestowed on my Lady-in-Waiting! Kiss it! KISS IT!!!"

Me (cleaning the brush and getting up to put it away and clean up all the hair on the couch), "Okay, Rey! All beautiful! We're done!"

Rey (stunned but resigned), "What!! No kiss? No more brushing? One cannot find good help these days! We are not amused! Now we are sleep........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!"

C. Watching TV:

When Ed and I watch TV in the evening - it's inevitable that Rey will make her way over and on to my chest. No matter what my body language or what pretzel position I've twisted myself into - she will cram that hefty load on top of me. She lounges next to Ed (lover) but insists on over-powering me. If I have my legs up on the couch in front of me - her royal dominance ends up wedging herself between my legs and chest - forcing me to lower my legs to the coffee table so she can sprawl from my chin to my knees comfortably. With claws at my throat and sharp teeth too near my mouth - she settles in for the remainder of TV time! I love Rey and love the attention - but her unpredictable (volatile) nature can be intimidating!

Me (knees up to my chin with no room for a corpulant cat), "No Rey! There's no room. Not tonight!"

Rey (initially wide-eyed and adorable), "Meow!"

Me (starting to crack), "No, Rey!"

Rey (eyes turning into slits of fury), "ME-OW!!"

Rey then jumps up and wedges herself in the non-existent space between my legs and the couch pillow while staring at me and then my lap - strategizing her next move. Gently putting her paw on my leg - sans claws - to coerce me into lowering my offending legs.

Rey (looking innocently at my chest), "Meow.....we love our human chest. Please lower your knees, handmaid, so we may laze on your person and purr."

Me (I cave to her sweet and vulnerable pleas and begin to adjust my legs to accommodate her plumpness), "Okay - here you go! (sigh)"

Rey (slowly and smugly moving into her favorite position - kneading my boobs and belly to settle down - with her head up to my chin and curled up body extending to my thighs), "We are enjoying our royal pillow! You may massage (pet) our crown (head) with gentle strokes to soothe our exhausting day ruling the palace. Aaaahhhhh.........puuuuurrrrrr....we are pleased, so far! Do not move!"

Me (trying to carefully remove her paw from my left boob - because she has her claws partially extended in her rapture), "Ow...owie...that hurts Rey! Don't move Rey - I'm just adjusting your claws from my titty! Ouch! Don't glare at me - it hurst! Don't you dare bite me!!!"

Rey (not happy with my touching her paw), "Unhand us, you peon!! We were so comfortable!! You should be elated at our divine attention!!"

Me (giving up and ignoring the pain - petting her head and on alert for any sudden moves that might disrupt the calm - watching TV), "There Rey - feel good? Just relax."

Rey (purring and thoroughly enjoying the rubdown - until Ed (her consort) makes a startled noise - because we are watching a scary movie - which also shocks Tater into action from his sleeping position under my feet - and all hell breaks loose),

Me yelling, "WHA.......THE......FU......!!!!!!!"

Me (screaming - Rey hurdles her body off my chest while also detaching her fully extended claws), "OOOFFFFF!!! OOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW.....that f**king hurt!!! Ed, WTF!!!!! Tater calm down!! OMG....don't do that when she's on my f**king chest!! Gotta go see if I'm bleeding!!! F**K!!!"

Rey (surly and annoyed, but pretending she did absolutely nothing wrong - she begins licking her paws and fur to absolve herself from any harmful responsibility), "That was disturbing to our royal senses! Our handmaid is making such a fuss! So unbecoming of my entourage! We are not amused and perturbed by this caterwauling display. We are retiring for the evening. Where has our squawking handmaid gone to....(sigh).......we can be found on our duvet in the royal bedchamber. Consort! Send in my servant when she has cleaned herself up and calmed herself. Our bed must be turned down!! Consort! Throw the varmint (Tate) into the dungeon! This was all his fault! He must learn manners befitting of a royal pet!"

I honestly have entire conversations and imaginary reactions to our mundane daily routines. It makes life so much more interesting giving our pets over-the-top human personalities. I believe they understand me and would enjoy it even more if it were cosplay!! Dressing Rey up in royal garb and Tater as the court jester would be hilarious!!!

The only picture of sibling cuddling! I cherish this photo!! They deny it ever happened!

I know too many people who talk to their pets and treat their pets like they are human. It's okay and makes them part of the family. I don't know what we would do without our beautiful and loving furballs. Conversations with my furry children makes my day complete. Their unconditional love and trust is a balm to my soul. We are hoping to add another one soon. We have contacted the Mid-Atlantic Border Collie Rescue for a loving partner for Tater and ourselves. Rey is on the fence with this one - but will have an additional furball to rule!!

Please check out my Positive Pause Podcast with Claire Gill, Founder of the National Menopause Foundation. Claire is my Superhero! Please check out their website for a wealth of information on everything menopause, women, sex and growing older. I am eternally grateful for this opportunity to share my own personal journey on the Positive Pause Podcast (#32)!!

https://nationalmenopausefoundation.org/podcast-2/

My two youngest Menopause fans! Because I gave them a fan!!

Book signing at Found Studio Shop!!

I also just did a book signing/selling last Saturday, May 3rd, for the Mother's Day/Spring Shoppers. Kacey Stafford, owner of Found Studio Shop, in Lauraville at 4315 Harford Road, Baltimore, MD 21214, is not only an artist but also a patron of the local artists/creatives. I had so much fun talking about menopause and hawking my book upstairs to anyone who has a pulse. I sold some books and met some lovely new people. Some of my neighbors came to support me - which made my day PERFECT!! Kellie Martin, founder of Earth Elements Soapworks, was selling her spectacular plant-based skin care products and demonstrating the quality, offering massages to all attendees. Found Studio is a neighborhood gem and a must-visit. Lot's a laughs!! I am so grateful!! Can't wait for my next book event!!!

What a perfect day!!

If anyone would like to share their foible(s) or aging stories or conversations with your furry children - we could commiserate on our peculiarities and frustrations - with an open forum of like-minded challenged adults. No shameing on this blog!!

If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 43 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent. 

There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors."  By Barnes & Noble Press/Blog

I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego.

Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!

Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!

Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite! 

Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your pet-owner friends, family, superheroes and SM followers.

Let’s be Friends!!

Colleen McIntosh