Give Yourself A Little Meno-plause!! - Be kind to yourself

October 18 - WORLD MENOPAUSE DAY!!!! It's about time we have a Women's Awareness Day - not just a Mother's Day. Not all of us are mothers, but all of us go through Menopause. Take this day to scream or sing at the top of your lungs about your change of life. Continue the conversation year-round to educate yourself, family, friends, co-workers and total strangers. It's time for Menopause to be a daily dialogue not a whispered internal conversation - weeping in the bathroom - talking to the mirror - over this confusing time (yes, I talk to the mirror). Everyone in this small world should be mindful of the women - half the population - and show some respect and regard for the physical and psychological changes that comes with Menopause. Maybe take some time to read an article or 2 or 3 while you're surfing the internet. So, Ladies, Give Yourself A Little Meno-plause!!! Your deserve it!!

Colleen Meditation – Daily compliments, Daily appreciations, Daily worshipping.

Give Yourself a Little Meno-plause!!!

Menopause is a real HOT topic right now – literally!

We all understand why Menopause is such a Hot Topic what with all the Hot Flashes and embarrassing sweat, etc. But why did it take so long for this to become a popular conversation? I’m seeing more articles and famous people talking about menopause in the last year than over the last 6.5 decades of my life!! For example, there are menopause articles/weekly segments in People magazine. Why you might ask - because obviously older women subscribe to People!! It just took them decades to realize they needed to focus on “older women” articles. I guess the editor, Wendy Naugle, finally hit menopause or admitted she is a menopausal woman or knows menopausal women – and in a mood swing moment decided she wanted to scream about this transition on a weekly basis. Well, I say, “It’s about f**king time Wendy!” I’m more of an Entertainment Weekly gal but they cancelled that mag and substituted People for my fav bathroom reading (oh, except for my book).

Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Perfect bathroom read!

Anyway, I’ll take what I can get because they are doing Menopause Articles. Why they haven’t interviewed me yet is a bit irritating!!

My husband compliments me often and my immediate reaction is to negate or minimize the well-meant homage to my existence. I talk about this in my book and how mad/hurt Ed gets when I put myself down or turn his compliment into a negative. It’s so ingrained in my psyche that I can’t accept a simple gesture of flattery. Not even from my husband or those closest to me. Below is an excerpt from my book in Chapter 17 Positive Changes:

“Kindness—Everyone should be kind. But I’m talking about being kind to yourself. I find this very challenging. I’m a genius when it comes to self-deprecation. Another thing my husband struggles with every day. He hates it when I put myself down. He thinks so highly of me and can’t understand why I hate myself. I don’t exactly hate myself but it’s a self-preservation trigger. I’ve struggled with self-worth my whole life and it’s hard to compliment myself. We should all be much kinder to ourselves!!! Just don’t become narcissistic!!!”

Speaking of Ed – Here’s the story of how we met.

After I was liberated from my first marriage, I moved to Baltimore to be near my Mom. I had no connections to the Baltimore Acting Community and trying to figure out my path post-divorce. Theatre had been my life’s ambition but I was emotionally challenged and struggling with self-esteem. I needed a job and became a leasing agent/manager in a hoity-toity apartment complex in the hip part of Baltimore. I was in my late 30’s and dating very casually and often. I had absolutely no interest in getting remarried or being tied down to one man. I was making up for lost time (my first marriage) and having fun. Or so I thought!! I was also thinking about leaving Baltimore and going back to NYC to reboot my acting career.

I was working one Saturday and almost ready to leave for the day – when a repeat prospect walked through the door with a man in tow. Irene had already looked at one of the studio apartments – 6 times!!! She always asked (demanded) that we give her the full 1 hour tour every time. I will say this right up front – I detested Irene. Everyone in our office detested Irene. There are just a handful of people I’ve met over my lifetime that elicited an immediate reaction of dislike and distrust. We’ve all met someone that makes you instantly feel uncomfortable. You instinctively know that this person has dubious intentions and your reaction is to flee their presence. In other words, people who rub you the wrong way. I equate these people into 2 categories – narcissists and serial killers. Irene was the former. (BTW – I think I met one of the later during this job and quickly realized leasing was not my calling!!)

Anyway, I grabbed the key to the studio unit she’d claimed she wanted and gave them the grand tour – for the 7th time. The man that was with Irene was very quiet and yet observing the friction that Irene gleefully spawned. She spent the entire time correcting me or reminding me that I left out some detail and to go back and do it all again. She kept whispering to her companion and then laughing at some imaginary inside joke that I was not privy to – in other words, reminding me I was her minion and a third wheel. She also kept giving me little digs and denigrating my job performance. I was getting really pissed off. The Scotch/Irish Colleen was approaching nuclear meltdown and ready to blow! After about an hour or so I finally let her have it. I didn’t hold back. I did not deserve her condescension and nasty remarks and let her know it. I terminated the tour and half-ran back to the office. I had longer legs than Irene!! She, of course, demanded to talk with my superior and I happily showed her to their office.

I sat at my desk fuming and Irene’s friend/boyfriend/chaperone/other sat across from me. I eventually looked him in the eye and apologized for my behavior and told him that I’d NEVER reacted this way with a client. He very calmly said that he thought it was great! He said that he was doing Irene’s brother a favor by driving her around that day to all her various appointments and that she treated every other woman in the same manner and he couldn’t wait to get rid of her. I then complimented him on his cool Celtic tattoo on his mid-thigh (he was wearing shorts). It was really HOT! We chatted and hit it off while Irene tried to get me fired. I was fully prepared for that decision and not disappointed. Miss-I-think-way-too-highly-of-myself-Irene finally stomped out dragging the nice man with her. My boss did not fire me and we both prayed that she would never lease in the building!! We laughed about what a nasty nut she was and that her chauffeur was flirting with me.

About 15 minutes later, I got a call from Irene’s pretend-boyfriend. I was not surprised because I suspected that he was a bit turned on by the encounter. He said that he’d lost his earring at our office and could he come back to find it. I said that I’d wait – while smirking at the obvious man-ploy to see me again. My boss and I casually looked around for this “earring” and knew it was not lost but in his pocket. When he arrived, he pretended to look around and finally came to the point. He asked me for my number. I told him that I was dating someone but would prefer that I get his phone number in the event that the relationship didn’t work out. I said that I would call him. Oddly, he looked really happy with my response. I was fairly confident with men at this time because I was not getting emotionally attached. My expectations were low and as a result – rarely disappointed.

I called him within a week. Ed and I have been together since and married for 25 years. BTW – Ed told me that my “rejection” was the nicest one he’d ever had. One of Ed’s favorite sayings is – It all works out!

Ed & Colleen - unconditional love!

I guess I should thank Irene for being a bitch and credit her for the (oblivious) matchmaking. I’m sure she’d have a spitting kitten if she knew!!

Ed and I had some ups and downs while dating – but inevitably kept coming back to each other. It was meant to be. Both Ed and I had been married before – for 5 years and oddly during the exact same years. When we were approaching that huge and scary decision to take the next step in our relationship – Ed asked me “casually” - if we got married – what were my expectations. I immediately had an answer. I said, “I want to get married in Las Vegas. I want an Elvis impersonator to marry us. And I want to wear black.” Both Ed and I had semi-large weddings our first go-around and I DID NOT want to go through that circus again. At my age, it was a waste of money and time. Eloping to Vegas seemed like a fun story to tell our imaginary grandkids. Black is my favorite clothing color anyway, so that made perfect sense. When Ed proposed (at our very favorite restaurant – Charlestons) he was so nervous and acting weird (more weird than normal). He had it all planned to pop the question during dessert – but couldn’t wait and did it before our entrees arrived. Really messed up the waiters timing on the celebratory engagement dessert. Neither of us could eat our expensive effing entrée!!! He asked me to fly to Las Vegas with him, get married by Elvis and please wear black. How could I say no!! He actually listened to me!

So, we flew to Vegas, got married by Elvis (and officiated by a non-denominational minister just in case it wasn't legal) and I wore a long black dress. It was perfect!! The cherry on top was slot machines. I’m not a gambler but slots are fun. In Vegas, you can play the minute you land. I chose only Elvis slot machines and I won every time. I’m not exaggerating – I WON EVERY TIME. I would randomly see an Elvis slot and throw in a coin and win a few hundred dollars – over and over again. Then in the NYNY Casino I saw a ginormous one across the room and immediately felt the need to pull that big-ass lever. I won enough that all the bells and whistles went off – very loudly!!! I waited while Ed got a floor manager. I was surrounded by gamblers who politely asked if I needed assistance. One offered to hold the machine for me while I went in search for help. I said, “Do I look like I just fell off a turnip truck??” I paid for our entire trip in cash with money left over. Ed took pictures of me lying naked on our king size bed, in our massive suite, covered in cash. That picture will NOT be included in this blog!!

Thank you fake Elvis Presley for the Hawaiian Themed Las Vegas Wedding!

We already knew our marriage was meant to be – but then a week or so after our wedding (4/3/98), we got a letter from grammy (my favorite person in the whole wide world) with a cartoon from the Bangor Daily Newspaper. Read the caption and date on this image – it was definitely an omen – and hilarious!

Thank you Grammy Doris!

Back to my topic-at-hand-clapping – MENO-PLAUSE!!

I’m going to attempt to relate some “compliment” moments that really touched me and I honestly felt pride at the sincere acknowledgements of my fashion choices. Having your own style, feeling comfortable and confident makes people notice you. This works both ways. When I notice someone that is unique and draws my attention to their singularity – I must share my admiration with them. I have never gotten attitude when I’ve applauded a person’s distinctiveness. Giving and receiving compliments makes you feel warm and fuzzy!! Below is an excerpt from my book in Chapter 15 Fashion:

“Another point I’d like to make. When did we stop expecting compliments? I’m not talking about your partner’s flattery—but when a total stranger acknowledges and applauds your personal choices. It’s always a surprise and never forgotten. Euphoria feels good!”

Compliments From Strangers Somehow Seem More Meaningful.

Compliment #1 - Ed and I attended his cousin’s wedding in upstate Maryland at an historical venue. I was in my 50’s and tend to dress a little different than others expect of someone my age – whatever that means!!! Neither of us knew many people at the wedding – because most were under 30! I noticed this naturally stunning woman wandering around the gardens with camera equipment. She was wearing a traditional dress to fit in amongst the guests – but had a super cool leather garment to hold her camera lenses and had a quiet grace that made my eyes follow her. I complimented her on her photography-leather-strapped-vest-belt-thingy and she seemed really pleased that someone noticed her personally designed photography garment. We chatted a little bit before she had to get back to work.

After our post wedding dinner, the music finally started and I Love Me Some Good Dance Music!! This DJ needed some help with his music selection. He was missing the mark on the “best wedding dance tunes.” But eventually played Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” which got my juices going! NO ONE from my table would dance with me. Everyone at our table was my age or older. My husband loves music, but dislikes dancing publicly. So, I said Screw It and took over my own little section of the dance floor. I need room when I dance (flail)! All alone in my own little dance universe – moving with utter abandonment and enjoying the beat – separating myself from the 12-year-old drunken wedding party – I had my own personal flashmob. I was unaware that the photographer had been taking pictures of me during most of this song. She came up to me afterwards and leaned into my damp ear and whispered, “I want to be you when I grow up! You are fantastic!” Rather than take offense that she thought I was an octogenarian – I flushed and sweated with pride and flattery. I admit I do not dress like what people expect of a typical AARP member and Medicare approved woman. She also said she loved my outfit and thought I was so Cool! I never saw the wedding pix, but she told me that she’d been taking photos of me all day!!

Compliment #2 – During Covid we rarely went to public places. But things were calming down and we decided we’d go to a restaurant during off hours to avoid a crowd. I was feeling a little down that day due to all the isolation. It was winter so I was covered head to toe in black. I had on this black sweater I’d had for years that was like a thick woven dress that came to above my knees but unusual and cool – with black tights and my favorite black leather combat boots. I also wear the same jewelry daily that I’ve had for the last 35 years by a designer called Pat Pearlman. She designs naked people jewelry and it takes a unique person to notice that they are naked people!! Our waitress came over and she immediately started gushing about my outfit, my jewelry, my hair, my glasses and my overall fashion choices. She just kept on going. She said how much she admired my boldness and cool attitude. At first, I thought she was angling for a good tip – but when she kept pointing out all the things she liked about me I realized that she was not fishing but the kind of person that believed in vocalizing her feelings. The fact that she noticed I had naked people on my ears told me she was observant and spoke her mind. She made my day, week and year! My mood changed in an instant and I will never forget her for that. She was also a wonderful waitress and deserved a great tip! I get compliments from younger women in particular and at the oddest times. So why do I keep judging myself so harshly?

Compliment #3 – My sister and I were walking around an area near us that has a lot of foot traffic and walker friendly. A couple around our age walked past us whispering and looking back over their shoulders. Next thing I know they stop, turn and the husband says, “I love your hair. Where do you get your hair cut?” I thought, “How strange. I’m not used to a man liking short hair.” His wife had gorgeous long hair swept up into a cool bun. Something I haven’t been able to do since I was a child. She starts gushing how much she loves my hair cut and the way I dress and how brave I am. The two of them carried on this one-sided conversation about my hair and how to convince the wife to boldly take the leap and go short. It was funny and sweet. My hair salon was at the end of the street and I gave them my stylists name. They were so grateful and continued to talk about me and my hair as they walked away. Of course, this was before Covid and I dyed my hair a platinum white for years. When your hair is dyed, it has tons more body and I was really good at manipulating it to spike up. It was my best hair phase!! I stopped dying my hair during Covid assuming it would grow out to a stunning white or gray – but turned into what I call Wet Straw Blonde. I plan on doing a whole blog about hair (and glasses). I’m obsessed and have discovered millions of people are equally passionate about this topic.

Compliment #4 – Ed and I were going through a “down” time in our small universe. I won’t go into detail, but it was just a somewhat quiet and sad moment in our story. Time just felt “slow.” We decided to just get out of the house and went to the mall to walk around one night. We stopped for a smoothie. He sat while I walked over and ordered. I remember feeling very calm and reflective while I waited. When I approached Ed, he said in a soft voice, “You are so elegant.” Time stood still. I think this was the nicest and most sincere compliment I’ve ever gotten. It’s also the only time I didn’t make a self-deprecating joke.

Compliment #5 – My most recent unprompted compliment was at a friend’s party. We did not know anyone at this party except for the hostess. It was a packed house. I was wandering through the crowd and had to cut one group in half to get by and while in the middle of them became a topic of conversation. All the ladies gushed over my jeans and top – and even my long legs? (I’m only 5’6”?) To counteract my squirming I told them where to purchase my outfit. They were very sweet. Later one of them leaned in and said she loved my hair and glasses. Once again, having strangers compliment you is unexpected and gives you a much-needed boost.

Don’t think that I go around looking for compliments. I do not leave my house with the intention of seeking out attention and acknowledgment. I just really appreciate when a total stranger or loved one takes the time to see me. It reminds me that I am not invisible. Sometimes the universe steps in and gives you an unexpected boost when you need it most. These 5 compliments were needed and appreciated at vulnerable moments in my life. Fragile moments that I wasn't even aware of - but putting out to the universe to give me a little pat on the back. We all deserve these pats!!

As we age – we are called Mature Women. But are we? I’ve been called a mature woman for at least 2.5 decades – because anyone under 35 thinks anyone over 40 is OLD. Why do you reach a certain age and everyone starts calling you “Ma’am?” Aren’t we just women? Why label us? I also think of myself as a body aged and processed for 65 years and a mind that stopped aging at 12. Fart jokes still make me snort with laughter. I consider myself old(er) not OLD. I’m still a neurotic 12-year-old at heart. I still sing and dance with uninhibited enthusiasm but always with the consideration, “Don’t break a hip!”, in the back of my mind.

Aging Gracefully. What the f**k does that mean? Is there an alternative? Sounds like a warning to me. Age gracefully OR ELSE!! I don’t know if I’ve aged “gracefully” but I know I’ve aged. I think we should flip this little aphorism to the following alternatives (antonyms):

1. Aging Ungraciously

2. Aging Awkwardly

3. Aging Atrociously

4. Aging Clumsily

5. Aging Crudely

6. Aging Abysmally

7. Aging Annoyingly (my personal favorite)

Don’t get me wrong – aging gracefully is fine. It just needs updating! How about just saying, "You're graceful!" I would then reply with a happy, "Thank you!"

Take away from this wordy blog:

Compliments from strangers are the best!

Compliments feel great!

Be kind to yourself!

We are not invisible!

We are all relevant!

Give yourself a little Meno-plause! You deserve it!

I want you all to think about the compliments that impacted your life the most. Accolades that made you smile inside and out. The “float on air” adulation from loved ones or total strangers. Remembering them and keeping them in our hearts keeps us young. Give yourself a pat on the back every now and then. Just don’t be narcissistic.

I’ll end on an Ed-ism. Colleen – Why did I walk into this room? Ed – To Brighten it up!

Give me this day, my Daily Beg! Help an old(er) lady out and help me promote my book!! Help me become relevant! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! I recommend you purchase the soft cover book during Pre-Sale for the preferred reading experience! I have pages at the end of the book for you to add your own menopausal journey!

Click the links on my book page. Great holiday gift or stocking stuffer!!

I really hope you’ll sign up and become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog!

Let’s be Friends!!!

Colleen McIntosh