Holi-Geddon!!! - Funniest Holiday Memories!

I inherited my Dad's wacky humor! Anything for a laugh!

I want to start this Holiday Blog with a tribute to my Dad. He passed away last February at 91. I will miss him forever. I haven’t posted anything about his passing because it is such a private pain. But I wanted to honor him by telling you why he was a much-loved man. He was one of the funniest people I know. I don’t know how he managed to come up with a joke at a moment’s notice. He had a “Tell” when he was pulling your leg – his mouth would do this weird, pinched smirk that foretold a groaner (joke) was coming – a downward turn of one side of his mouth. Once he tortured us with his dry wit - a laugh would burst out soon after. His laugh was quiet but with full-bodied glee. I loved his smile and his joy at making us laugh. I did not inherit his mental capacity to remember an endless source of jokes, but I think all of us got his humor gene. For that I am eternally grateful. Everyone knew and loved my father. He had many BFF's. Even after my parents divorced, he remained close to my Mom (Mum) and her entire family. They never stopped loving one another, but just couldn’t live together. He sang, “You are my Sunshine” (badly), which melted my heart every time.

My Dad - Your Are My Sunshine!!

It was his favorite song. My Dad wasn’t perfect, but none of us are. I choose not to dwell on his faults. I will reveal one fault that involved food. He was tough at the dinner table. We had to finish every last bite of the liver and onions before leaving the table. He insisted we enjoy his favorite meal – even though we all hated it with a passion. To this day I can’t smell it cooking without gagging. He was a passionate and skilled hunter and fisherman. He provided for us as best he could. He was a Korean War Veteran and Mason. He was kind to strangers and could make friends with anyone. He laughed at all my witty remarks and praised all my meager accomplishments. I have so many cherished memories of my beloved Dad. The void he left can’t be filled but will be forever cherished. You are my sunshine Dad!

Now on to "Funniest Holiday Memories!!" My parents had five children at a young age. Mum popped one out every year until she crossed her legs and said, “NO MORE SEX! NO MORE KIDS!” We were not wealthy (poor) but never wanted for the basics or knew any different, because we lived in Norther Maine – where everyone worked hard to provide for their family. They always made the holidays bountiful with decorations, gifts and delicious food. Mum went overboard with holiday cheer – which we lovingly tolerated. Back in my youth (the olden days of yore!) – the gifts were affordable – unlike today with all the tech toys.

Still waiting for my pony!!!

One of my favorites was a holster with pistols and a cowboy hat to complete the outfit. A pony would have been nice – but they didn’t want to spoil me. I could entertain myself for hours pretending I was a gunslinger or sheriff or just a bad-ass gal. Westerns were very popular on our tiny black and white TV set. We had 3 stations - CBS, Canadian and PBS. Gunsmoke, The Rifleman, Bonanza, etc. - were the “Law & Order(s)” of our day. Northern Maine in the 60’s did not have cable or streaming services – we had rabbit ears.

Every Xmas we were told to put on our jammies and lined up on the steps for the annual photo-op and then sent to bed to await Santa’s arrival. Of course, I never slept because I hoped to catch a peek! Santa (aka Dad) would make a great show of stomping around downstairs and delivering presents under the tree. I believed it was Santa for a few years until I aged out of pure innocence. I got a little jaded around 2nd grade. We always opened presents on Christmas Eve – which was a frenzy of shredded paper and unnecessary envy at a sibling’s gift. It was magical and wonderful. Xmas day was spent playing with our toys and watching TV while Mum cooked for a big family gathering later in the day. We would bundle up to play outside in the snow.

"Rosebud" my own beloved sled!!

This is pre-climate change, so we always had a few feet of pure white snow to tunnel into and sled down and create massive snow-people. Once all the company arrived – more gifts would be passed around. I grew up with grandparents and great grandparents and their large extended families – so it was always a huge gathering with visitors popping in and out. We spread the feast throughout the house to accommodate the large, loud crowd. Everyone brought a side or dessert. Lots of desserts!!! Sometimes we’d (I) would stage a play or we'd all play games. Mum would get out her (now antique) movie camera and film the event. We’d often watch previous holiday gatherings projected on the wall. Sometimes we’d play it in reverse which was hysterical and made the memories even more whimsical and cherished. I loved seeing food come out of my grandfather’s mouth - fully formed. It was warm, loving and transcendent. The only down-side – my older brother preventing me from playing (or touching) the Xmas tree bulbs. I have my revenge now – I fondle my bulbs as much as I want!!!

Thanksgiving was also a large crowd – gathering usually at one house – with massive quantities of holiday food and ridiculous amounts of dessert. It’s not a holiday (Xmas or Thanksgiving) without 8 different pies, cinnamon buns, 4 different decorated cookies, brownies, fruit cocktail surprise and the dreaded brick of Fruit Cake!!!! A holiday primarily made up of women and children. Often, we’d have a snowstorm around this holiday, so we’d manage to make our way to our destination and then sit tight for a long feast and visit. For many years, I didn’t think men celebrated Thanksgiving because they were never home during that timeframe – as if banished. The reality was - Thanksgiving was prime hunting season and all the men opted for that cabin with an outhouse - in the middle of the Northern Maine woods – 100 miles from civilization and family – rather than spending it with us. I didn’t know any different and didn’t mind the female-centric holiday. There were male children but no male adults. This was our norm and it was many years before I realized this was unusual in other parts of the country. If the storm was bad enough – we’d have late old home movie night and a sleepover. Full bellies and all sugared up! Fun times!!

As the years went by – this joyful season became less miraculous and fantastical and was replaced with predictable, anxious and irritating occasions/get togethers that pressured you to buy more than you could comfortably live with and the knowledge that the gifts you give will probably end up in the trash or the next yard sale or re-gifted.  I feel empathy with Scrooge. Children are shielded from any drama or colossal mishaps that occur during every holiday gathering – as it should be. Let them experience the magic as long as possible. As adults, we get the privilege of experiencing all the unexpected glitches – whether it’s a cooking disaster or additional unexpected guests or squelching that urge to punch someone! It's all relative(s). These challenges inevitably pop up shattering all your carefully laid plans. Such is life as an adult. Most women become expert jugglers and generals coordinating the circus/troops. I became an expert clown to divert attention away from these mishaps. I carried my emergency tote of round red nose, clown shoes and googly-eyes in case my services were needed. 

I’ll just give a few samplings of “Holi-Geddon” stories throughout my adulthood.

1.    What the guests don’t know, won’t hurt them! My sister was hosting a large Thanksgiving gathering of NY friends and family. I was staying with her at the time and pitched in to help serve the massive gourmet feast. When it was time for the dessert – my sister entered the kitchen from one entry and I from the other – meeting in the kitchen just in time to see her dog – standing on his hind-legs – taking a huge, long lick of homemade whipped cream off the top of the pumpkin pie. From opposite ends of the kitchen – we both leapt in slow-motion towards the dog – in ninja silence - so no one in the dining room would hear us. We tucked and rolled onto the floor with dog in hand - silently laughing with tears running down our faces – wiping the whipped cream off the dog’s face and ourselves. We then wiped our tears away and my sister very carefully reorganized the whipped cream into a new pattern to cover up the puppy evidence (crime scene). This was all achieved in dead silence and mutual consent to serve this pie of lies – with a smile! While everyone drooled in anticipation over this scratch gourmet pumpkin pie and “secret enhanced-spiced recipe” topping – we starred at each other across the table desperately trying not to cringe or laugh when they all dug in and complimented the chef!

2.   The Guests that never leave! My sister and brother-in-law took on the mantle of hosting the major holidays for family, whether they liked it or not. Many of us (leeches) would descend upon them for an extended visit. My sister was and is a fantastic cook – so we preferred that she do all the work as we laid around and cheered her on. Growing up we had “traditional” holiday fare that was delicious and well-received – but my sister took holiday food to a whole new gourmet citified level. Our tastebuds couldn’t wait for her unique spin on Turkey, stuffing, sides or desserts. She always served savory appetizers just to tease our palates (while we laid around and cheered her on). One of our “extended visits” included pizza night watching movies in their kitchen. We were spread out on her benches with TV trays ready to dive into the NY pizza that we couldn’t get at our own homes. My brother-in-law had disappeared prior to our first bite. Their dog slunk into the kitchen with daddy in tow – carrying a baggy in his hand. With raised pizza slices up to our mouths – we watched my brother-in-law bring his arm around in an arc – in slow-motion – that ended with a “SPLAT” on top of the dog’s head. The bag burst and spewed its contents all over the dog, the pizza, the kitchen and us. That’s when we realized that the bag contained dog shit that he had just cleaned up in the living room. Time stopped for what seemed forever – until we all screamed and then laughed until we gag-cried! Dinner was officially over!!! We’ve never let my brother-in-law live down that story – it’s a holiday tradition to re-tell. The gift that keeps on giving!!! Even a bag of poop couldn't get us out of their house!

3.   Amish Scare Me! Ed and I decided to drive up to Northern Maine with our dogs to celebrate Xmas with my family. There are a couple ways to drive up through Maine – 95 (flat, well-traveled highway) or Rte. 11. Of course, it was snowing and my husband insisted on getting off the main highway (95) to take what he considered the “scenic route" (Rte. 11). Let me tell you about this route. It’s a narrow, hilly two lane road that winds through the Maine woods, unpopulated for miles. As we drove (with no way of getting off this road without turning around and driving back to 95) the snow increased in volume and intensity. We slowed down to a crawl through the Nor’easter. We had about an hour’s drive (in good weather) to get to civilization. I was furious at my husband because I knew this was a bad decision and was terrified – and rightfully so. As we crested a hill, we came to the first obstacle – an Amish Buggy!!!

Didn't think of snapping a photo during the snow storm!!!

Thank god they have reflectors on the back of their black buggies!! We screamed and somehow cleared the buggy and horse to descend the hill with our hearts in our throats. I did not know that the Amish had populated the Northern Maine area!! It was so unexpected and a bit nightmarish!! As we calmed down, we crested another hill to encounter a moose standing in the middle of the road – which is their inclination! They are dumb animals – beautiful - but dumb!

One of my many Moose Photos! But none taken during our ride from hell!

We screamed and swerved recklessly around that behemoth to descend yet another hill – thinking how lucky we were to avoid a second catastrophe. Shortly thereafter (and another hill), we watched a herd (3 of them) of deer storming across the road a few yards ahead knowing we couldn’t possibly stop on time or avoid the deer in this weather. Screaming again - waiting for impact – we approached the deer in slow-motion. My husband channeled his inner race car driver and we somehow slid through a crack in the herd and miraculously missed them. The deer didn't miss a beat! Only then did we open our eyes. Clearly, thrilled and elated that we somehow lived through these 3 bizarre events, we crested another hill to come upon another Amish Buggy!!!! At this point we were old pros and screamed past them – cursing the Amish for being out in this storm - wondering if they also encountered the moose and herd of deer and how they managed to survive in their buggy. We also wondered why they were out in this storm, where they were going and was this some hellish Amish prank! Finally the little town of Ashland appeared and we wept for joy at arriving in one piece and a taste of civilization. We still had another hour and a half to go to get to Perham and my sister’s home for (curse word here) Xmas!! When we arrived - shaky, exhausted and starving – we entered the house with our confused and traumatized pets. My sister’s pug proceeded to give a "welcome to our home" pee all over the kitchen floor. His unique way of saying hi to his new hairy cousins. So, after the bedlam calmed down and we cleaned up the urine – we begged for some turkey and fixings – only to find out that all the guests (our voracious family) ate and took home doggy bags leaving nothing for us but 10 half-eaten pies and a fruit cocktail surprise. Both Ed and I wanted protein and carbs – not sugar – because we were still wound up from the deathtrap route that Ed had selected and the gut-wrenching snowstorm. I believe we had PB & J’s for Xmas dinner – pissed off – and then grumpily crammed pie in our mouths to cap off a Stephen King holiday! Ed and I did this drive during the holidays – one more time – in another snowstorm – on 95 - and decided that I would fly next time – alone! 

4.   My Mum is the most gullible person I know (besides myself)! I inherited all her gullible. Mum has a great sense of humor and the perfect person to make fun of – with love!! For years, I/we would occasionally “mimic” her to the point of - laughter tears and soggy panties. I/we would repeat her every word, expression and movement. She would laugh and yell, “Stop it. Stop it!” But she just fueled the fire and took the mimicking like a gullible trooper and laughed til she peed her pants. She secretly loved the attention. Another Mum incident - once again at my sister’s home – filled with family - was my Mum in true gullible form. She told a story about sitting alone at her home one night and getting inspired by something on TV (probably a commercial) to paint a little face on her index finger. Comic “light bulbs” appeared above me and my siblings’ heads. We immediately began the roasting. Examples of our normal uncensored ribbing someone to death: Please show us Mum (and she did)! Did it talk back to you? Did you name it? You can paint one on every finger and have a party! Do you do this daily? Does your new friend go to bed with you? (Wink, Wink). Mum answered each question with laughter! We had to take it a step further and everyone secretly painted a face on their finger and hid behind the dining room table so when Mum came in the room she saw about 15 fingers around the table giggling (kids and adults). My Mum laughs more than anyone – even when it’s at her expense. She is the best audience and a ray of sunshine to all who know her. A true nurturer and a good sport! She also happens to be great fodder for hilarity. 

5. I never knew Camo-Couture was so much fun! I remember one Xmas Ed and I decided to go to Bass Pro Shop for my father's holiday gift. We figured we could find something for the outdoorsy hunter/fisherman (my Dad) at this Mega-store. I wandered off and found myself in the "Camo Outerwear" section and decided to try some outfits on just because I could. Then it dawned on me that theoretically I was now invisible and started running around the store - hiding in various locations - to see if the outfit lived up to its hype.

I know you can't see me - but I'm in the photo!!

I would embed myself in a rack of camo-coats and when someone walked by - I would whisper, "I'm invisible." Then I would stand next to various color-coded gear and tree-blinds and would continue my childish antics. I'd say, "You can't see me - I'm camouflaged! I am "one" with the forest."

Camo-folly in Bass Pro!

I scared a couple people. I pissed off quite a few men. Their wives had a good laugh though! I've been back a couple times to Bass Pro Shop - just for the "Camo-Pranks!" I now think I'm on a do not fly/hunt list.

6. South of the Border Scares Me!

Gullibles Travels under just one of their gigantic signs. I wish it lived up to it's own hype!!!

The next time we decided to drive a great distance for a family holiday - was our trip to Florida a few years ago. We thought it would be a great idea to take our tiny camper (appropriately named - Gullibles Travels) to my in-laws who live in Naples, Florida. We brought our dogs again and began the journey south. It takes a couple long days to get to Naples – so the first night my husband insisted on stopping at the infamous “South of the Border” rest stop just over the border entering South Carolina. You can’t miss it off 95 – they have billboards for miles!! We got there late and we were starving. We quickly parked the camper and fed the dogs. It’s not a “pretty” campground and very creepy at night. We walked over to the dining and shops area only to find one restaurant open.

Even scarier at night! I bet that sign follows you when you aren't looking!

We waited about 20 minutes for a hostess to appear and then waited at our table for over an hour to place our order. We saw one waitress for a massive room filled with tables full of "hangry" people. She acted like she had all the time in the world to do her job. It was like we were in a Tarantino film. I was waiting for the Vampires to arrive for their meal – Us! We would have been easy prey – because we were all weak from hunger. We never got a chance to order and eventually left to avoid being torn apart by the very large man looking at everyone like they were a walking ham hock! When we were walking past the hostess station – she was being reamed out by other dissatisfied customers!! It was getting ugly! We wandered around the shops filled with bad candy choices and called it a night. BTW – we also walked the dogs together because the camper across from us had a person sitting outside in a folding chair just staring at us without smiling. Their head just swiveled when we walked by. We got a blank zombie-like stare when we said hi. Thoughts of every isolated horror film came to mind and we didn’t unhook our camper in case we needed a quick getaway. Vampires and Zombies in South of the Border – my next book!!!

Day two was far worse. As expected – 95 was a parking lot and came to a standstill in South Carolina. On top of that – it was a torrential downpour! While we sat and occasionally inched forward, we decided to pull over and let the dogs out to pee. When we got back in the truck – it did not start. The battery was completely dead. At least we weren’t blocking a lane of cars and dealing with all the holiday well-wishing (cursing)! We tried everything prior to attempting the “flagging down of a good Samaritan” option – but there weren’t any driving along this corridor on this particular night. So, we called AAA and we were told that it would be about 3 – 4 hours to get to us because they were in this sea of vehicles as well. AAA also had a couple in the backseat with their dead car in tow. We went to the camper and had some dinner sandwiches and peed while waiting 4 to 5 hours for our jump. It eventually happened and we were grateful to AAA and gave him a big tip. We got off the next exit which was less than a mile away and stopped overnight at a Cracker Barrel restaurant – only to find out that our battery had just enough juice to get us there. They allow campers to stay in their parking lots overnight, thank god. We got there just in time for their last dinner bell and dejectedly stuffed our faces. We went to bed full, drenched, battery-challenged and slept fitfully. AAA was called again. I ate breakfast – alone – as the only customer at 6am and had a lovely time chatting with the staff – while watching out the window as our truck got a shiny new battery for Xmas. After Ed ate – we took off again and crawled to the Florida border.

Crazy in love in Naples! Made it in one piece!!

Now day three - it took all day to get to Naples and we parked at a lovely but very tightly squeezed campground. We ended up driving to my in-laws with the dogs and spent the night in their guest room.

Xmas tree with the biggest balls I've ever seen!!

Naples is very festive and they really go all-out on decorations. We had a lovely Xmas with my in-laws. Always a bit strange with no snow, 70 degree weather and everyone in shorts - but we managed just fine!

All was going well until we noticed blood on their living room floor. Our dog, Bob A. Licious, was ill. We left immediately to get him home to our vet. We had a couple more harrowing experiences on the speed-demon drive home. I won’t bore you with the horrible details. Lots of anger and massive fear for our pup Bob (and our lives during one incident in VA). That’s another blog. We saw our Vet immediately and confirmed that Bob had inoperable cancer. Our sweet Bob lasted a little while longer but passed at the beginning of Covid - when we realized he was ready to leave us. We will fly to Naples next time but never, ever drive during a holiday. 

We’ve all had funny and horrible holiday experiences. Some common ones being: 

a.    The 8-foot Xmas tree that gets taken down by the cat and heirloom decorations are shattered all over the floor just prior to company arriving – my sister’s tree – lots of anger, tears and chasing of cat. 

b.   Splitting the cooking chores doesn’t always work out. My husband finished the deep-fried turkey 2 hours before I had even started baking/roasting/cooking all the sides and pies. He decided to start eating the turkey while I cooked in a sweaty frenzy. Why waste a good turkey! He still lives – but it was a hard call to make.

c.    New Year’s Eve parties – I told my Alphabet Game story in a previous blog "The Silent Plague!" Still the best New Year’s party ever – please read the blog! 

d.   New Year’s as a young woman in NYC – going to Time’s Square for the countdown - accompanied by my sister and a pseudo-bodyguard/male companion – making the tipsy decision to kiss every policeman we saw. There is an excessive amount of police in that area on New Year’s Eve. Who said cops aren’t friendly?!!

e.    More recently – arriving to any family holiday gathering while everyone sits on the couch glued to their iPhones. My solution is to start texting everyone in the room with nonsensical topics – just to irritate them – so they put the effing phones away!!

I think most adults would agree that holidays are for the young or younger at heart. Thanksgiving is a time for being with family and loved ones or those in need of a meal. But a lot of us have forgotten the true intent. We spend lots of money on this one meal - prep and cook for days - only to eat it in under 30 minutes - and one person does clean up for 2 hours while everyone else is in front of the TV watching a football game or dog show. Xmas is a time of frenzy for the adults. When I’m in a store during the lead up to 12/25 – no one looks happy. They look panicked, exhausted and irritated at the empty shelves, other angry shoppers and long lines. They are frustrated with locating the perfect gifts without cleaning out the bank, savings, college and retirement accounts. Cranky people do not exhibit the Xmas spirit. Consumerism has been the Xmas credo and bane of our existence, especially in our country. I think we need to all chill out and erase our adult vision of holidays and look through the eyes of toddlers – to see the true meaning and joy. The gift packaging is often more fun than the actual toy!

It's not that we’ve forgotten how exciting and fantastical this holiday was when we were young – it’s that we realize our time has expired and we are responsible for making the magic happen for all our young people. If you’re half-way intelligent and aware – it’s a time that we should also show appreciation to our parents and elderly relatives for all their hard work making us happy all those long-ago holidays. It's a conundrum but the spirit of these celebrations need to return to its original intent – happiness, joy and expressing our love for our family, friends and our fellow woman/man. 

Just for fun - I’m going to do two random cleaning tips/observations for this holiday blog. You can also go to my last blog for Cleaning Tip #1 - Blog - "How to Communicate With Your Primate!"

Cleaning Tip #2 – You should all have a small flashlight with you when you clean. “Why?” you might ask, “You crazy lunatic!” Because there are many areas that would surprise you when you shine a little light on them. For example – when you pull out your storage/broiler drawer of your range – to clean underneath – if you lay a flashlight on the floor pointing into the interior – you will find dog hair, those ditalini noodles that your husband drops every time and those missing vitamins that your husband also drops every time. Everything gravitates to that black hole underneath your stove. It’s uncanny and inevitable and needs a weekly wipe down. A flashlight is also helpful when cleaning behind your toilet, under your couch, countertops, fans, etc. etc. Flashlights are key!!!

Cleaning Tip #3 – Old traditional toothbrushes are still useful once the soft bristles have expired for cleaning teeth. I use them for many cleaning chores:

You're Welcome!!!

a. Around tight spaces and seams on your toilet seat where the cover attaches to the bowl. b. I use another old brush to get into the corner crevices of my picture frames that accumulate dust (where a rag or paper towel can’t reach for that precision clean).

c. Cleaning grout – Use toothbrushes or stiff bristle nail/hand cleaning brushes to scrap away mold or dirt.

I hope everyone had a child-like holiday and wish that 2024 is a safe, healthy, peaceful and crazy-free year. We all need a break from the lunacy! 

BTW – my Mum was the first person to buy my book and apparently ordered an extra one in her sleep as a Xmas present! My biggest fan!!!

Tatertot wishes everyone Happy New Year! He's obviously had one treat too many!!

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are my Super Hero’s!!!

My sister, Bridget, recently ended an email to me with a fantastic tag line - Women Ignite and Women Unite. I would love to chat with you about igniting and uniting about menopause or aging or anything you feel like getting off your chest. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without censure or interruption!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and I hope you had a safe and cheerful holiday! Let's all have a happy, healthy, safe and minimal drama New Year!

Let's be Friends!!

Colleen McIntosh