Our Bodies, Our Minds, Ourselves...Invisibility is my Superpower!

Let’s be honest – my body, my mind, myself is changing daily whether I want it to or not!

The Paparazzi of one followed me into the bathroom catching me reading a FAN-tastic Book!

They say change is good. Is it? Yes, of course, some change is for the better. However, there are changes that come as a result of menopause and aging that I would like to amend. Is that possible? It’s a work in progress!

I believe:

A. some things can be remedied.

B. some things can be tolerated.

C. some things are nonnegotiable.

But we are fickle creatures and yet - very adaptable - and eventually can figure out how to live with the changes needed. Even though I’m somewhat OCD (that means a lot) – I can still change eventually (if it was my decision and suits me).

“Our Bodies Ourselves” – a book I read a million years ago (in my early 20’s) about women’s health issues. It was a very comprehensive guide to all women’s issues – including menopause. It's one of the first bestselling books written by a group of women about “woman things” that caught my attention. I don’t seek out “self-help” books very often (in denial), but I recall this book was helpful and liberating. That’s why writing my humble and humorous memoir was so important to me. I would be so honored if my book brought some solace to others. Especially if they laughed while navigating their own menopause and aging journey. We are not alone! I forgot that until I wrote my book. I wrote it during Covid, so I felt even more isolated and alone. “We are not alone” became a mantra to remind me that asking others for help was not weakness but courage and faith. I truly wanted to let women know that "they are not alone." I believe women are the strongest in our species. Imagine a man giving birth or going through menopause. Laughable, right? So, we women need to stick together and support each other – because we will be running this world one day (hopefully soon!!) – and will need to watch each other’s back. BTW - I just read an article about a scientific discovery that female Chimpanzees go through Menopause. Proof that we are not alone!!! It may also explain why I have hair growing in the most unlikely of places.

I just read a hilarious quote from Jason Pargin/David Wong in John Dies At The End – “If a man plans, a woman laughs.” My new favorite quote – especially because it came from a discerning man!! Sorry to digress, but due to my foggy memory - I didn't want to forget to add this tidbit of wisdom.

I want to talk about the changes that occur in our bodies, minds and ourselves. My book covers the changes I underwent during menopause and the transition into the next phase – getting old(er). It’s different for each person (or chimp or toothed whale apparently), but menopause is the beginning of our bodies and minds metamorphosis from youth to middle age. I just turned 65 (Medicare Age) and below is my breakdown of aging for me:

A. Youth and Learning About Being a Woman Years: 1 - 18

B. The Banner Years: 19 - 40

C. Menopause and Getting Old(er) – The Shift Years: 40 – to date

D. Old, Wise and Venerated Years: I hope when I reach this stage, I get at least 2 out of 3

E. We all know what E means! (End of Times)

I have 17 short chapters in my book – topically thorough but pithy in execution. My goal was to hit you over the head with menopause manifestations – make you laugh – make you laugh again at my illustrations – then move on to the next horror (chapter). I intentionally kept the chapters short – because our attention-span has decreased exponentially due to information overload. I have actually screamed at a man (he who shall not be named), “Bright Shiny Objects, Bright Shiny Objects!!! Focus! Focus!” – because of his inability to maintain concentration on the subject at hand. Drove me effing crazy! If he was talking – you had to pay attention, not interrupt or else he’d start over. If I was talking – I had to scream the above rant because - he’s an asshole. Anyway, that’s why I kept my book to an essay-style format.

I’ll touch on each of my chapters with a snippet from the book and add any new anomalies or observations (in parentheses) that have occurred since I published:

Hilarious book about my Menopause and Aging Journey!

Chapter 1 – Periods! - We are cursed with periods twice! Getting them and losing them!

Chapter 2 – Hot Flashes - Waking in the middle of the night in a sweaty salty puddle—gentle waves lapping at my inner thighs—praying the pool of sweat remains on my side of the bed—or not—left me confounded at where all this sea brine was coming from?

(Recently remembered this incident: One particularly bad Hot Flash at work ended with a client stepping back and away from close contact with me and said, “Are you contagious?” Yes, it was a man! And I thought, "I wish!")

Chapter 3 – Mood Swings - Let’s take a moment and address the elephant in the room. A large portion of women are employed during all or some of their menopausal years. I find this to be a cruel joke and never invited that elephant into my room!!!

(These were downright scary for me. I was a pendulum of fierce mood swings for years. I've learned how to control my split personalities, but I still hear them whispering!)

Chapter 4 – Sleeplessness - During this delightful period (there’s that word again—Period!) of menopause—sleep was just angry. They should have called this, “Eight Hours (or in my case—Four Hours) of Tossing Disruptive Night Terrors in the Deep Blue Sweaty Sea!” My personal Moby Dick.

(Sleeplessness continues. My sister recommended wearing a sleep mask. It has been very helpful. Blocking out all light reminds me of the womb. It’s oddly comforting!)

Chapter 5 – Hormones - Without balanced hormones—we are just hairy eunuchs with sagging boobs and an attitude.

(Hormones – Progesterone and Estrogen – these invisible-to-the-naked-eye organisms are what regulate physiology and behavior. The lack of these valuable and finicky specks are the betrayers of our mind and body – and contribute to each chapter of my book. If you want to analogize a Biblical reference – they are my Judas!!)

Chapter 6 - Memory Loss - Does lactose intolerance have anything to do with the “Brain Fart” phenomenon? Apparently, I’m lactose intolerant!

(Sorry to say, this does not improve. Last time I saw my GP, I had written a list of concerns to discuss with her. Memory Loss was on that list and I casually glanced at it, but pretended I forgot to ask her. That was the only thing I avoided on that list. Wish I could forget fear. Dementia runs in the family.)

Chapter 7 – Weight Gain/Depression/Lethargy –

The word “menopause” can be broken down quite succinctly:

Men—who obviously created this word and have no idea what they are talking about because these mother**kers don’t even Get Menopause!

O—zero estrogen/progesterone.

Pause—life puts you on hold from exercise, sex and who gives a flying rat’s ass about f**k all!

(Note – I don’t try to hide my curses in my book. You are allowed to curse when talking about menopause! A very passionate topic for me.)

Chapter 8 – The Arid Desert - Or as I like to call it—My Tumbling Tumbleweeds!

(This is my subtitle – which says it all when discussing my dried up vagina. Atrophied Vagina – not a topic often discussed. You hear too much whining about men and their mis-shaped penises or their erectile misfires. Loads of research and remedies but menopause remains a silent disease (complaint). You might as well mummify the rest of me now!! BTW – it just struck me to ask this question – Why don’t aging men’s penises dry up? Or do they? Just sayin’.)

Chapter 9 – Sex(less) - Thanks to menopause—sex was an uncomfortable afterthought. Over the course of a decade, it ultimately ended with these thoughts, “Why can’t we just cuddle or You’re my best friend!”

(Estradiol cream helps – but the mental ennui remains. Still working on this inability to care about sex. I believe I need therapy to find out why I’m an android.)

Chapter 10 – Elasticity – (This chapter covers full body issues with your monkey suit betraying you. I’ll pick two sections that will surprise you):

Eyeballs and Lashes—I recently discovered that lack of moisture also applies to my eyes and lashes. To add insult to injury—I was diagnosed with Dry Eye and Cataracts. My 12-year-old Optometrist told me that my eyelashes (both of them) no longer generate “oils.” So, I now must put supplemental eye drops in 4 x daily, strap a heated eye-mask on for 15 min daily and eventually have nightmare-inducing eye surgery.

Knees—Let’s just say—the first time I noticed a change in my taut adorable knees, I screamed! What the f**k is the puffy pocket of fat on the inside of my knees and where did it come from? I also did not know that knees could wrinkle!!!

(More on elasticity disappearing from your body and what you can’t see without a traitorous mirror. I used to think “Dimples” were cute and an asset until I saw them on my knees, upper thighs and buttocks. No matter how many hours I spend each week doing Pilates – those dimples are now a permanent fixture. Apparently, the dimples that were once on my face – appearing whenever I smiled – got bored and slid down my torso, past my hips and decided to create its own municipality for the duration. Ignore that urge to grab your magnifying mirror and torment yourself.)

Chapter 11 – Gravity - My boobs also used to be located in my upper torso area above my abdomen. Now they have migrated south in search of my belly button. Nipples relocate from north to facing south, clearly pointing out my tumbling tumbleweeds and lumpy knees. Cruel fate!

(Deflation is not just economic! Like balloons at the end of a party - after everyone has eaten and drunk themselves stupid at your expense – leaving you to clean up the huge mess as if a pack of wild animals have broken into your home and shit everywhere – I see the sad aftermath – weeks of planning and buildup to the event – represented in the deflated balloons - withering on their listless apathetic strings – those are now my boobs at 65!!! Size C cup surrounding plump and perky boobs have deflated to a B cup struggling to hoist up stretched out saggy ones. Have you ever handled pizza dough? ‘Nuff said! Along with your body deflating, you also have ego deflating in the aftermath of losing elasticity. One upside is- no more leering and whistling when walking by a construction site. OK – that’s a bit of a stretch (just like pizza dough and your boobs). BTW – I don’t recall ever being whistled or leered at while passing construction workers?)

Chapter 12 – Hair - (This chapter covers full body issues - with hair deciding it was time to go exploring to other parts of your anatomy):

Pubes—First place I found a lone thick white stiff hair. Yes—I screamed! Remember I was in the musical Hair? It originated in the 60s. During a time of free love and massive mounds of uncut pubic hair! They say that everything is cyclical right? Well, your well-maintained bush rebels and decides that the 60s are back in fashion! Why is pubic hair growing down my thighs and up to my belly button? Is this evolutionary survival mechanism to repel predators? Does this have anything to do with the dried-up vagina phenomenon? Surely, there are anthropological studies done on the menopausal female and her pubes!!!

(Oddly enough, when I’ve talked to other women about their aging and pubic hair – most have said they now have less hair in that department. Menopause does strange things to our bodies (and minds) and it’s different for everyone. Hair is unpredictable!)

Chapter 13 – Age Spots/Skin Growths – Age spots—starts with your hands. First you think it’s just dirt. But once you realize it does not wash off—patterns emerge. Is it some secret map to the mythical fountain of youth? No! Just some daily reminder that you succumbed to marketing and wasted a ton of money on expensive creams for nothing. There is no such thing as invisible cream.

(My husband, who just turned 60, pointed out a couple little age spots on his hand. I quickly put my right hand next to his and said, “Let’s make this a competition. I win.” Or do I?)

Chapter 14 – Inner Plumbing - (This chapter covers all bodily functions):

Farts—If you laugh too hard or sneeze or just walk through a grocery store—don’t be surprised if you accidentally share a Toot or two or three!!! Just keep on as if nothing happened. Maybe if you’re lucky, you have someone behind you that you can glare at with disgust! Denial is your friend. As my wise niece Dani says, “Fart and Dart!” And just like a braying ass—you explode with unprovoked expulsions of Ass Gas!

(I thought of a second title after I’d published - The Flatulence and the Furious! Apparently, it’s not just a woman issue as you age but also a man’s. My husband and I occasionally do fart duets after dinner while on the couch watching TV or in bed. Mine are SBD’s and his are mini-rocket launchers. If I’m in public I can run pretty fast and furiously after a toot. Once at my nephew’s house, in front of about 6 family members, I had what I call the “Long Winded Foghorn Fart” and will now live down in history for that Guinness Book feat. When I was working there were many times that a co-worker and I would amuse each other and then hide in the back-room silently laughing, me farting and both of us falling down to the floor with tears streaming down our faces. Farts are funny – period!!!)

Chapter 15 – Fashion – Since being a child—I’ve noticed that women of a certain age—decided that when they hit that certain age—they should only wear clothing that repels admiration and envy. They began to wear a certain kind of “uniform” when they reached menopause. Drab of color and shapeless—like a potato sack! This potato sack came in a limited variety of colors not seen in youthful fashion. Also, they decided that once the uniform was established—they had to purchase 10 of every piece. Thus, began the acceptance of defeat and conformity to society’s vision, however delusional, of what our fate as older women will become. I call this, “The Potato Sack Syndrome!”

(I plan on doing a future blog about Hair, Glasses and Fashion. A topic that needs its own spotlight!)

Chapter 16 – Denial - I bring up this word because denial is sometimes easier to accept than the truth. I am guilty of avoiding the truth on occasion (that means often). But, needless to say, you can’t avoid the obvious. Menopause is real and my experience has been traumatic at times and ironic all the time. Shikata ga nai! (It cannot be helped and let it go).

(Denial continues to this day.)

Chapter 17 – Positive Changes – (Hence the main topic of this Blog! Below is one of the changes I wrote about – for the good of me, my husband and all mankind!)

Pilates—Another form of relaxation for me is exercise. I needed to incorporate an exercise routine into my daily schedule without it putting me in a looney bin! Over the years, I did try joining clubs but rarely followed through. Working a long day and then coming home to just turn around and drive to a health club scared and exhausted me. I tried jogging—but that ended up with me gasping, cramped, bored and angry. I then tried fast-walking early in the morning. Well—being followed one time by a creepy stranger and fearing for my life—then another time—fast-walking and crying with my ass clenched for a mile because I had to poop—made me rethink the whole outdoor exercise thing. So, I began my search for home-based workouts. Working out at home gave me no excuse to put it off. I purchased many DVDs (remember—this is many years ago) of various techniques and finally found my groove—Pilates. It covers it all—yoga, stretching, core, cardio, dance, weights and a full body work out. I continue to this day. I highly recommend Pilates for any age. Of course, always talk to your doctor before starting a workout regimen. BTW—working out at home is also a plus because no one can judge my performance!!!

(Since I quit my job – I work out at home - 5 days a week - in the morning. Wakes up both my body and dwindling mind. I am still dedicated to a great instructor – Ellen Barrett. Her DVDs stand the test of time. She has live workouts now. I encourage you to check her out. I get no financial gain for recommending her – she’s just that good!)

In my Introduction and In Closing sections I talk about invisibility.

Invisibility is my Superpower!!! In my later years, I’ve met people on the sidewalk that make me jump out of their way – as if I’m incorporeal. This happens more often as you age. For example: I was standing in line at a Macy’s (the slowest check out in the world!) and an older white man cuts in front of me. The female snails-clerk (yes I meant to spell it that way) acted as if this is normal and waits on him. She completely ignored the fact that myself and the woman behind me had been standing there for 20 mins. So I loudly said, “WOW! I’m Invisible!! Fantastic!!! I have a Super Power!!!!!" The rude guy turned and looked down his nose at me with mild disdain and probably wondered who was talking – because I’m invisible. The snails-clerk just sniffed in a huff because it made her feel important. The woman behind me burst out laughing – because she was also invisible but could see me! We laughed and talked about how discourteous people can be and how slow Macy’s checkout is. The moral of this story is that invisibility is stronger in numbers.

I use the term "invisibility" because it not only alludes to being treated like you are, in reality, invisible, but also includes those who treat you like your whole existence can be disregarded because they deem you invisible. Taking away all your power and self-worth in a couple of words or actions. Well, I know what I’d do if I was invisible and these self-important, ignorant people would not be happy about it! “Pantsing” a narcissist is always funny! Invisibility can also be helpful in a Zombie Apocalypse!!

I’ve realized that “Decade Birthdays” were the ones I noticed changes in my mind and my body the most. It seemed like some massive clock struck the hour at any birthday ending in a zero and reminded me of the countdown to death. At 20 life is just exciting and endless. At 30 you still feel great but a little wiser. At 40 you reach a confusing see-saw moment of youth vs. being looked at as “older.” At 50 you say “F**k You Death – but you also start feeling invisible! At 60 that clock sped up because death is apparently getting impatient. This decade proves you are invisible and you get the impression that everyone younger than you finds you irrelevant. When you go to the movies – the 2-year-old selling tickets immediately gives you the senior discount rate. They no longer ask your age. I’ve embraced those senior discounts as proof that I’ve earned it!

Another thing I've realized is that Gullibility seems to be eternal. I even named our camper "Gullible's Travels".

Gullible's Travels! Appropriately named!

Yesterday I found out that my Barnes & Noble book signing was cancelled on 12/2/23 (the perfect timing for my book release and holiday shopping campaign) and will be rescheduled for some time in 2024. Of course, being Gullible, I already posted this EVERYWHERE (even a paid ad campaign). You'd think after 65 years I'd remember how cruel life can be when you least expect it. I was so devastated and defeated on my favorite holiday - Halloween. But , I forgot that Halloween is for tricking and treating. So I certainly got TRICKED! B&N was very polite and apologetic, but it still wounded me. So now I have to change my website, author pages, this blog, etc. I'll have to post on FB and Insta that fate just ambushed me again. Today's lunch is Humble Pie!! I'll hesitantly post the new date if and when I get it.

Life goes on no matter what age. You are the conductor in your life’s opera. I want mine to end with a standing ovation!!

Please don't make me irrelevant!

Please don't make me "Temporarily Out of Stock" and purchase my book during the pre-sale on Amazon or Barnes & Noble. It's also available on many other book retailers. Grab a piece of Post-Halloween candy that you stole from your child's stash and buy my book!!

Give me this day, my Daily Beg! Help an old(er) lady out and help me promote my book!! Help me become relevant! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! I recommend you purchase the soft cover book during Pre-Sale for the preferred reading experience! I have pages at the end of the book for you to add your own menopausal journey!

Click the links on my book page. Great holiday gift or stocking stuffer!!

I really hope you’ll sign up and become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog!

Let’s be Friends!!!

Colleen McIntosh