Sneeze The Day!!! Embrace Obsessive Compulsive Order in 2024!
- Colleen McIntosh
- Jan 24, 2024
- 18 min read
Updated: Feb 12, 2024
I convinced (forced) myself to be more light-hearted this past holiday and not such a “Humbugger.” All sorts of unfortunate events occurred on my lovely little street which tested our holiday spirit. We were all concerned and checking in with each other hoping to give comfort. Surreal start to the holiday and 2024. My husband got a severe flu/cold right after Xmas and was down for the count. He didn’t test positive for Covid but I believe he had RSV. Self-diagnosing via The Google is like giving a toddler a scalpel and trusting they can perform your surgery without incident! But he had all the RSV severe symptoms. Fortunately, I’d had all my shots/boosters and only got a low-grade version – which was helpful since I was the primary care giver. I started wearing a mask in public places prior to the holiday frenzy and am glad I did. For the last couple years, Ed and I have been going out to eat for the holidays rather than cooking the expensive time-consuming massive meals for two. Once Ed got sick – he didn’t eat for a few days and the only thing that remotely got him interested was the traditional Thanksgiving meal that I emphatically refused to make – but I ended up doing the whole she-bang and the whole she-bird anyway – just to get food in my very sick hubby-tummy! I broke my own rule.
Hence, my title “Sneeze the Day!” Seems appropriate and a great way to ring (sneeze) in the new year – feeling like crap, lounging in jammies, wrapped in blankets with remote in hand and placing boxes of tissue in every room!!! We had leftovers for days!
Another item on my agenda in 2024 – besides getting the flu out of the way - is scheduling my CATARACT SURGERY (capital letters are required for this terrifying procedure!!). Even though I get a shiver down my spine just typing these words I decided to rip the Band-Aid (cloudy old lady eyeball lens) off and do it asap. It also covers a few doctor appointments in one fell swoop – eye doctor, physical exam for pre-op which includes blood work and EKG and then the infamous surgery. Since I just joined Medicare around the holidays –I haven’t selected a PCP – so I went to Patient First for the exam. BTW – I’ll probably do a blog on my cataract surgery and post-op recovery – as I’m sure it will involve some awkward hilarious material!
I’ve already blogged about my historically bizarre doctor appointments (Parts 1 and 2) and this exam proves my record remains unbroken. When the woman came in to give me an EKG I was laid out on the slab in my easy-access Johnny gown (feminine translation - Jenny gown) - wide open and waiting for the stake - imagining that this would be the death-blow heart test results – because every doctor appointment makes me feel like it might be my last. As she was placing stickers all over my chest, ribcage, legs, etc., I happened to glance over and noticed that the curtain wasn’t pulled shut. As I watched people walk by - I very politely said, “Do you mind closing the curtain? I’d hate to see myself like this on social media. Not very pretty. I wore a hat today and have “Hat-Head.” She laughed because my saggy boobs were hanging out for all to see – my right one was pointing at the open curtain - daring a passerby to take a picture. In other words, no one would have cared about my Hat-Head (only said for sarcasm). Actually, no one seemed to care about my sagging boobs either??? She closed the curtain anyway. BTW - my heart is still beating.
I also seem to have issues getting my blood pressure taken properly. I’m either dying or dead. The first BP had me dying – so the doctor redid it because she didn’t believe the results. She started rambling on about BP Cuffs (the armband device that they pump up and squeeze the crap out of your upper arm and then very slowly deflate). Apparently, the initial results were askew because they used an adult cuff. So, my doctor pulled out the child cuff to perform the death knell. Another pattern that keeps emerging - I have sub-par grownup body parts – head and now arms. I also may have hyper-tension as a result of these multiple BP readings – which doesn’t surprise me one bit. With my OCD and tendency to expect the worst – I’m a Blood Pressure Monitoring Nightmare!
One thing that will remain constant is my OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Just trying to control my internal and external chaos! I continue to embrace the obsessive compulsive order in 2024!
Let’s look at this disorder in an orderly manner, shall we? Anyone who’s teased about their precision methodologies (OCD directives we must adhere to) must constantly justify their affinity for order. Below is the way I look at the definition of my OCD - which I do not consider a mental or behavioral issue!!!
Obsessive = Optional
Compulsive = Controllable
Disorder = Design
I’m choosing to control my objectives by minimizing the chaos within my sphere of influence – exclusively my home and myself. If it happens to affect those nearby – tough titties you anarchists!
When you look up this condition for the medical interpretation – these compulsions are detrimental if they cause you distress. What causes me more stress is someone (Ed) telling me I’m a lunatic and gets in my way when I’m introducing order and harmony in my tiny bubble!
I don’t consider myself OCD in the clinical sense (you be the judge), but I am persnickety about balance within my petit head/brain. I push back when my edicts are not respected. I get quite huffy when I’m not taken seriously. It took Ed 25 years to relax a little when I’m putting my placemats in each corner – precision alignment and symmetrical to the linear lines on the dining room table.
Ed will sometimes mess with my head. If we're standing at the dining room table – I will occasionally (often) recheck and realign the placemats while chatting. I’m not aware that I’m doing this until Ed casually moves one of the placemats off center. Without missing a beat – I’ll fix it. He’ll move it. I’ll fix it. And so on! The conversation never lags until I finally blurt out, “Stop moving the f**king placemat ED!!!!” He laughs and moves it again. I am always the last person to bed – so I sneak in the dining room and put my placemats in order prior to our nighty-night – hence winning this ongoing battle. Another pattern in my little household and relationship – is that Ed doesn’t realize he’s OCD about bugging the snot out of me!!! He can’t change my eccentricities/foibles (love that word - foibles – sounds like a cute and cuddly Star Trek infiltrator – populating my psyche with mind control in the guise of adorable deception) , but he can tease and torture!!! Driving me crazy is Ed’s OCD!
I have a fairly strict daily routine. It adjusts every couple decade’s depending on pets, work, husband (Ed) or what life throws at me. I’m sure most everyone has their own daily routines without even thinking that they are a bit OCD in this regularity – especially if you have pets. Dogs and cats are very much routine focused. Primarily food driven – but if I so much as go left rather than my predicted right – they are confused by my aberrant behavior. They don’t like it one bit – especially my cat who verbally protests with emphatic meows, “How dare my bipedal primate change course. It is time for my parental unit to use those opposable thumbs and open “Her Royal Highness's” can of food!!!” The routine continues with cleaning Her Majesty’s toilet and refreshing her bowl of cat niblets. I must follow her to the royal utility sink and release water from the tap for her to lap and wash her paws. After breaking her fast and bath - I remove her damp majestic chubby body and carry the queen upstairs for a tour of her realm. As she does her inspection, she waves (sneers) at her royal minions (my dog Tate). I then deposit her 10lb. (feels like 50lbs.) imposing bulk onto to the couch – but not before she releases her polished sharp claws from my shoulder. Queen Rey then slithers up to her Royal Consort (Ed) to snuggle and purr!
My OCD maintains a clean and tidy home, health/exercise regimen, happy dog, long-suffering cat, writing routine, etc., keeping the household and its occupants fed, clothed, entertained and content. The only thing I seem to fall flat on is fulfilling all my husband’s needs and desires – like wearing a French maid outfit while I clean – including 6” heels. For some reason I have a memory lapse when it comes to “Cosplay” for my partner. Those days are long gone – unless I can find comfortable dominatrix garb.
I won’t bore you with all my routine(s) but will share examples of being tripped up by outside forces. I’ll also mention the “clinically” defined OCD attributes that silently make me a little nervous that I may need medication and years of therapy!
1. Refrigerator Reminder: When Ed and I moved into our current home – I was over-dosing on my OCD because we got married on a weekend in Las Vegas, sold our row house in a day, found this home the next day and moved in a couple weeks later with no time to think, prep or pack. I’m exaggerating but not by much!! I didn’t come down from that trauma for a few months and pushed too many of Ed’s impatience buttons – which resulted in his writing this note and slapping it on the fridge.
He told me I could never take it down. So, this 26-year-old note remains to this day and a reminder that I am not entirely mentally sound!
2. Pillow Police: Many years ago – my sister and her kids were visiting. I go into overdrive when company comes – whether it’s for an evening or a week – I become Super Hostess (in my mind)!! The itinerary is planned, the house is spotless and the fridge is well stocked. We had a wonderful time (I think) and eventually they had to leave (escape). I went to work that morning and told Bridget to lock the door when they left. I was quite sad that I would come home to silence. Ed was working out of town. As I unlocked the front door – I entered to find a pink monolith in the middle of the living room. My pink couch had 8 pink pillows and those big fluffy couch accessories made up this perfectly stacked practical-joke-on-me.
I was frozen in fear, panic and admiration. I feared someone – a malicious slob - had broken in to cause me pain and anguish. Then that pain turned to panic - that the malicious slob - was still in my home. Then I laughed out loud that my sister was so astute to leave me this prank before she left. I admired her genius and loved her levity – because apparently - I am NOT easy to visit!!! When I called her to congratulate her novel jest – she said the following, “Colleen, do you know that every time one of us got up from your couch – you would get up and come over to the couch, while talking, and fix the pillows before they came back. You did it our entire visit. Also, if we set our glass down on your coffee table – a coaster would appear magically before the glass even hit the table. Then, when we finished our beverage – you would whisk away that glass before it even hit the coaster.” Apparently, I’d secretly been a topic of concern all week between my sister and her kids. I was unaware of my OCD idiosyncrasies and my company was anxious and amused! It was an epic tease and a reminder that my quirks can be unsettling to those that are comfortable in their own skin and cluttered environment.
3. Cataract Negotiations: I do need reassurance (way too much) when planning or making big decisions - like cataract surgery.
My doctor listed out the post-op “Do Nots” which made my heart do a little pitter-patter of concern. I asked, “Well what about exercise? I work out five days a week.” He said, “No bending over (90° bend from waist) for at least one week or until you are healed. For both eye surgeries.” I must have looked panicked because he then patiently asked, “What kind of work out do you do?” I said, “Pilates and Yoga.” Like that must be an exception to the rule! He said, “When you do these exercises – do you bend over?” We stared at each other for a long pause and I whispered, “Yes.” He then smugly said, “Then don’t do it!” I was pretty pissed that he cleverly outwitted me and that now I couldn’t ask about cleaning!!! After my appointment I started counting how many times I bent over from the waist and stopped at 52 bends because it was only 10am (I'd been home an hour.)
I’ve done a ton of research on cataract surgery options, lens, pre/post guidelines, statistics of recovery and success rates, etc. etc., ad nauseum! I will be paying out of pocket for the enhanced Toric lens surgery because they made me watch a video of the procedure – manual vs. laser. After the video I told the doctor, “I’ve made up my mind to do laser surgery and will (gladly) pay for it out of pocket – because you made me watch a horror movie about manually cutting my eyeballs!!!” He said, “Horror movie?” Sweating, I said, “Have you watched that video!!!” We also talked about anesthesia for this procedure since I’d also heard a few nightmare stories of people being totally awake during this “A Clockwork Orange” surgery. He told me that they use a twilight anesthetic, but I would be aware and able to see and hear while they worked. I said, “Does anyone choose to be unaware?” He responded, “Yes – we just give you a little more juice!” Bring On The Juice!!!
My defected eyeballs will have surgery in a couple weeks – one week apart. I will have to get out the restraints and have Ed hide the key for about a month. He’ll have to clean up my cage and hand feed me with gloves. This will not be pretty.
Here’s a snippet from my book – Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!! Chapter 17 – Positive Changes (OCD can be positive!!)
Cleaning—I am somewhat OCD (that means a lot) with the cleaning thing and maintaining a daily routine. Certain days are devoted to certain cleaning chores (although I hate using the word chore because it is not a burden to me). Everything must be in its place and neat and tidy—in case someone unexpectedly drops by. Of course, I have no friends or family nearby—so that is a bit far-fetched. I never said I was sane. In my defense—cleaning is something I have control over and it makes me feel calm, content and harmonious with my tiny universe. After every full house cleaning, I have achieved Feng Shui. Not everyone’s bag of fun, but it is gratifying!!
Below are shorter snippets of my OCD behavioral issues – because if I truly wanted to go into depth – this Blog would be a “Bog of TMI” and a 1000-page novel/treatise!
A. I am a note taker of grand proportions. I mention it a couple times in my book – because I’ve been writing notes since I was able to hold a crayon. The Saint (mother) who bore me had the pleasure of receiving my daily notes (demands).
I’m saving this particular eccentricity for my next book. I’ll be dedicating it to my mom – in the hopes that she might forgive my years of harassment!
B. "Hugs wrinkle!" One of my tee-shirt quotes and a phrase I’ve said to my husband many times. Don’t get me wrong – I love hugs!!! But, not when I’ve donned a freshly ironed top! I hang dry 80% of my clothes – so they all need a good ironing. Little note – drying clothes will reduce their life span. Did I mention that I love to iron!!! I did it today! One of the most satisfying chores (pleasures) on my to-do list. It’s a dying art form - but not in my household. I love picking out a new iron – tons of research!!
C. Getting a spot/stain on your clothes at the beginning of the workday – will destroy me!! I’m sure we’ve all worn that white shirt to work – knowing it was a big mistake. It’s like a magnet for coffee or any red-colored food. It’s also inevitable if wearing that smear-magnet. I carry an assortment of stain removal products in my bag – but I tend to spill things that aren’t listed on their labels. I’ll do my best to remove the dreaded blot but usually end up with a noticeable water stain to enhance my clumsy shame. Throughout the day, I will sneak peeks at this stigmata to see if it magically disappeared! It becomes an obsession until I can get home and remove the soiled shirt and soak it overnight to clear my mind of the day’s torture. I also can’t help pointing out my disgrace (often) so everyone knows that I am aware of my clumsiness and apologize for my disheveled appearance.
D. I do not want to know how a book or movie ends. My mother won’t read a book or see a movie unless she approves of the ending. That drives me insane!
E. I do have random “bad thoughts” that make me a bit nervous until I talk to other women and they reveal this is normal – horrible but normal. Thoughts that make you shiver with terror, disgust and remorse for even letting that thought finish it’s evil intent.
F. Ed and the water glass war. I must have an empty clean kitchen sink and countertops before I even think of going to bed. This is not a concern for Ed. Every night he leaves his glass – empty or filled – on the dining room table or kitchen counter. His theory is that it will one day save our lives and then references an M. Knight Shyamalan movie called “Signs” - about Aliens being taken down by a glass of water. Good movie but not a good argument!!!
G. When my husband, Ed, channels his inner decorator and decides to move an object on one of our shelves - believing he knows better - or even worse - replaces it with an item of his choosing - my OCD radar locks in on the object with razor-sharp reflexes and remedies the offense. I have to throw him a bone every now and then - pretending that I am open to change. So far, he is unsuspecting. He forgets that even though my day to day memory is slipping - and my eyesight dwindling - my ability to notice tangible change in household decor is still sharp and focused. My OCD is unwavering!
H. My sister and I shared a bedroom growing up. An invisible line separated our two sides of the room. Mine was always neat and tidy - with military-grade bed-making skills. My sister's was normal, cluttered and lived in. I honed my ability to slide into that perfectly made bed without a ripple of disorder. In the morning - I would then "slide out" which made for a swift smoothing of blankets and plumping of pillows. I thought this was normal and that Bridget was the nut! I continue to make my bed every morning and still slide in and out of the bed so it remains neat and tidy. When Ed and I go to bed - I slip in and arrange each layer according to my mental (psychotic) specifications while Ed looks on with silent and cautious deliberation. Once I've completed my nightly routine of settling in to read my book - Ed thrashes around and flings his (and my) blankets into a pile of disarray - just to piss me off!!! This nightly ritual is infuriating and funny at the same time. Even though I'm unbalanced - I still see humor when challenged!! Both Ed and I are OCD at night - me with order/Ed with chaos! A perfect metaphor for our happy marriage!
I. I can’t stop myself from telling Ed how to drive (Backseat Driver says, "What?"). I've already blogged about this flaw (mine not his). It's not that he's a bad driver - I'm just overly cautious and a weenie!! Other drivers terrify me!
J. I have a cleaning schedule that occurs over a few days - to spread the joy. When I was working 24/7 - I had to squeeze all my cleaning To-Do's into one day. Ed hated that I would clean for 8 hours rather than spend time with him. But how else was it ever getting done!!! Now, I do a couple things on Tuesday/then Wednesday/then a larger portion on Thursday. In between I always clean as I go and our home remains tidy and content. I do, however, have a die-hard rule that when I take the stove apart on Thursday and make it all shiny and new, it's - "No Stove-top Cooking Thursday!" Ed is a very good cook - but a little too enthusiastic when frying, stirring, chopping, etc. His idea of clean-up is like giving a toddler a piece of bread to wipe up the mess.
K. When I visit or stay over at someone else's home - I treat it like my own. More often than not, I leave it cleaner than when I arrived. Oddly, I don't seem to get many second invitations?? Wait a minute - I also don't seem to get many visitors??? Thank god my mom loves being waited on and loves my company!!!
L. The following OCD traits are the more symptomatic (troubling):
I do re-check that doors are locked.
I do re-check that the stove/oven is off.
I do count - a lot.
I do secretly rage when I am prevented from doing my routine.
I do excessively worry about - What If…?
This list could go on and on - but I reassure myself that I am not alone in this chronic preoccupation with control. I've commiserated with a young neighbor who mirrors my need for order. We both feel that no one in our household takes us and our feelings seriously. Being taken for granted is a debilitating and hurtful indignity. We know that we are loved - just not seen and heard. We empathize on the woes of being tidy.
BTW - When we had our Xmas women's group get-together - we decided to all bring an anonymously wrapped gift. Each of us would select a wrapped package and when opened - the giver would explain why their specific gift purchase was important to them. When I randomly selected my present - it turned out to be CLEANING SUPPLIES!!! I was over-joyed and the only person in the room that gift was intended for. I loudly oohed and aahed over each product. Both the Giver and the Receiver were in sync and happy with the outcome!
I have an ongoing list of T-shirt sayings that has grown over many years - one day hoping to add purchase options on my website. "Buy my Book - get a T-shirt" pitch. I love T-shirts with clever sayings!! I also considered starting up a cleaning service and came up with this logo to entice customers:
OCD Cleaning Service
We aim to take forever and annoy!
(for anal retentive customers only)
One more thing to share - is the earliest indication that I had a compulsive personality - my obsession with the kitchen flour bin!!!
Back in olden times - kitchens had large bins filled with flour - because women baked their own bread and with 5 kids - used a ton of flour!! I loved to play in it and eat it. This is just one of many images of me eating and playing with flour - while contaminating about 100 lb. of the precious gold! I did it over and over again! I can't seem to find the image of me head-first in the bin - good times!
I may take a break next month from writing my blog due to cataract surgery. I'm not sure I can write coherently and with humor - using only one eye - at a time.
Have compassion for your aging foibles!! Own it and forgive yourself for being you. Because “You” have an important part to play in this wacky world. The universe needs you because you make it a better place!
I need your help - I need reviews!!! I am continuing to have issues with the powers-that-be!
If you have purchased my book and read it - writing a review is one of the most helpful things you can do for an author. I'll be candid - I need feedback. Getting reviews helps boost credibility on book sites - Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BookBaby Bookshop, Goodreads, etc. They are the forces that drive book rankings - so if you have good reviews then you sell more books and get higher ratings. I'm not saying it's a perfect system - but reviews do help. Positive reviews are even more helpful!!!
I didn’t do well in pre-sales, so I have become invisible and unworthy for them to stock my paperback book (except for BookBaby Bookshop). The story of my life as an aging woman - irrelevant!
If you could do me a big favor and write me a review that would be so helpful and so appreciated. They have rules about accepting and acknowledging reviews. They frown on family members writing reviews because they consider them bias. Also, mentioning that you know me is considered a bias. For example: I have two reviews on Amazon that have a special acknowledgment of "Verified Purchase" or "VINE Voice" which means that my book was purchased by a trusted reader and through Amazon Retail.
It's somewhat of a Catch 22 - but them's the rules! If you got my book as a gift - then I think that would be fine - especially if you list out who purchased it on Amazon for you. I'm kind of making this up as I go - because I'm new to this rat race! Hopefully, if you purchased my book and have read it - you can give me a favorable review? But, please be honest! They say, "There's no such thing as bad publicity!"
I haven't figured out this book publishing and retail madness. Amazon was selling my paperback book - then they weren't. I check these sites daily and one day I saw that Amazon was selling my book for $24.32??? I emailed them and they told me to contact my third party publisher - BookBaby. I contacted BookBaby and they tell me to reach out to Amazon. Barnes and Noble wasn't carrying my paperback book throughout the holidays and now they are - but say they only have 1 copy??? There's a good book to write - "The Mystery of the Book that Was, then Wasn't, then Was, then Wasn't!" I am caught between a massive rock and a stubborn hard place!Th
Cleaning Tip #5 - I have a Hand-carved Wood Japanese Screen that needs to be oiled once a year - which takes a couple days to complete. You need to carefully clean it with a soft brush to remove dust and particles.
Then you need a drop cloth, a set of small (paint) brushes in varying sizes, a bunch of soft cloths and Old English nourishing oil. I set it all up in the living room and put on some good TV or music and hand minutia paint on the oil over every part of the 4 panel screen. I have to get into every crevice and hand-carved design. It is so detailed - but once you've finished refreshing the wood - it glows!!!!
Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are my Super Hero’s!!!
My sister, Bridget, ended an email to me with a fantastic tag line - Women Ignite and Women Unite. I would love to chat with you about igniting and uniting about menopause or aging or anything you feel like getting off your chest. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without censure or interruption!
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Embrace Obsessive Order in 2024!!!
Let's be Friends!!
Colleen McIntosh
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