The Cataract, the Crown and the Colonoscopy! A tale of illusion, deception and cleansing (invasion)!!

Losing control over your life is one thing - but losing control over your bladder is embarrassing!

This is an extension of my Doctor/Medical blog 18 - The Cataract in the Eye! Cataract Surgery - Live to "See" Another Day!!

I'll be sharing my recent dental discovery - the deceitful Crown Replacement!! And my colon cleansing procedure - the Colon Invasion!! Plus any other noticable changes (insults) that have occurred of late. Aging is a pretty serious business! With the daily Psychotic Clown Administration - every day is a mental, emotional and moral challenge. My face is a permanent tattoo of anger, disgust and repulsion at the damage DJT has inflicted on (decent) Americans. The commander-in-thief is going to have a day of reckoning when Mother Earth decides to fight back. She is one vengeful BITCH!!! Let's give the Offal Office a Colonoscopy!!

My year started off with my annual check-up after the f**king election and the resulting depressive holidays. I ate my shock and rage into higher cholesterol. I've never had bad cholesterol and stupidly had blood drawn after consuming 10M cookies/peppermint bark while also feasting on as many french fries I could grasp in my greasy clenched fists. From October through early January - I drowned my sorrows in sugar and saturated/trans fats. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to share my life's blood with my NP - thinking that was an brilliant idea! After I read my results and her admonitions - I took the self-care route rather than disguise it with medication - and changed my diet to healthy grains, more vegatblaes, low cholestrol ingredients - and banished everything I desired like cheese, ice cream, cookies and my beloved french fries. I have to admit - I am very happy with my new diet and happier because my husband also has to cut back on bad food choices. I mean that in a good way. I want him to be healthier as well so he can take care of me as I age. Selfish - yes! But, I love him and his cholesterol needs lowering as well .

As opposed to our government, taking control of my diet was relatively easy. But, then I had a new hurdle to throw my body over - a Cologuard Home Test. This test is a non-invasive home-based stool DNA test for colorectal cancer screening. An alternative to a colonoscopy. My kit arrived and I was feeling quite cocky because of my new fangled diet. When I felt ready to poop in the pail - I heartily prepped for this chemistry project! The instructions are very specific and there is no room for error. However, I am human and to Err is Human!! I announced to Ed, Tate and Rey that I was going to the bathroom and needed privacy (since they all like to accompany me in that particular room). I read the instructions 10 times and had everything set up to play doctor. This cologuard kit came with a large "pail" that fit in a device that spanned the toilet bowl which was held in place by the toilet seat. The instructions forewarn you to NOT overfill the large container - but enough for testing. I chuckled and said to myself, "How could I possibly fill this massive poop bucket! I laugh at your insinuation that I am full of shit!!" Now, keep in mind, I had changed my diet to mostly fiber and ruffage. I was now very regular and confidently sat down to make a contribution to my health deposit. I have NEVER had a bowel movement this colossal in my life!! It was herculean in proportion. I couldn't stop mid-way and remove the bucket without damage to my toilet or dignity - so I let this anal discharge odyssey play out to its massive swirly conclusion. I was afraid to look. But, like a train wreck, I couldn't take my eyes off my own personal Homeric colon narrative. I had purged my body of all impurites and corruptions, but realize that I am, in fact, full of shit!!! Mesmerized, I then had to dislodge my prodigious pail of poo to complete my test. I struggled with containing this gigantic sample of DNA - because the cap has to be screwed on perfectly, and tightly sealed. My small hands were struggling to do so - and eventually I presumed I was successful. So I finished filling out the forms, properly packaging it per instruction and shipped my leviathan sample off to Cologuard for cancer screening. I was in full sweat from this heroic feat and mildly embarrassed. I dropped it off at Postman Plus, entrusting UPS with its hazardous contents.

All seemed fine - until I got an urgent text and phone call from Cologuard telling me that I had to redo my test. I assumed that UPS had messed it up - but was told that something had gone (horribly) wrong in shipping - because the pail of poo had not been sealed properly. It was operator error! I can't imagine what the reaction was when the poop pathologist opened my package. Who do I send flowers to as an apology?? I was traumatized that my monstrosity had exploded. I was horrified that I would now have to do it all over again. The pressure was on!!

Second kit arrived and I was now prepared to lessen the load literally and metaphorically. This sample made it to Cologuard in one sealed piece (container). It probably took a crowbar to open it! I'd never had a problem with these home tests - but this one came back positive. Blood had been detected. When I looked back on the day I sampled my poo for posterity - I recalled that I'd been experiencing hemorrhoids around that time due to the upcoming second round of poo dysfunction and suspected that was the strained culprit. So, as a result of a positive stool test, I now had to schedule a colonoscopy because I was at risk. I had to search for a good gastroenterologist without extra out-of-pocket costs. I ended up going with my husband's doctor who is the head of that department and highly recommended. Plus we are very familiar with GBMC - thank you Ed and their excellent ER!

I've had one colonoscopy prior to this - and forgot 99% of the process. The only thing I remember about the first one was having a fabulous talk about pilates as they were hooking me up to take a short nap. I woke up mid-sentence to find myself in the post-op area with Ed taking pictures of my sedated (unattractive) self. He thought it was funny! I was told I had a pristine colon and see you in 10 years! I neglected my 10-year appointment and did home tests instead. But, I conveniently forgot that the prep for the colonoscopy is actually worse than the procedure. It also turns out that my particular doctor is doubly careful and has a longer, more tortuous prep schedule than most gastro-docs. I quit my vitamins a week prior to the appointment. I have no medications - so that was fine. I was asked to eat "healthier" during the week leading up to my colonoscopy. Two days prior, I had to eat only soft bland foods - like yogurt, cottage cheese, mashed potatoes without butter or cream (WTF!!), etc. I managed that day okay but was seriously jonesing for nuts or a stick of butter - but the next day made me nervous. I am not a "Faster." I am a punctual, scheduled eater throughout the day. I get very "FUNGRY" if my schedule is disrupted. I am dangerous when I get hangry!!! My husband knows this and tiptoes around the house throwing breadcrumbs with butter to appease me! The day before the procedure, you were only allowed liquids until midnight. I love liquids until I'm told I can have no solids with my liquids. So, I cleaned the house the day before my colonoscopy, drinking water, vegetable broth and apple juice - mumbling (cursing) under my breath while consuming f**king broth for 12 hours before I had to start the Suprep (GAG!!) bowel prep medication at 6pm. Cranky, tired and nervous about being knocked out and probed - I mixed the disgusting viscous salty fluid for consumption - which leaves a nasty after taste that coats your mouth for hours. To add insult to injury, I'd broken out with a "cold storage" (lip cold sore) and my ass crack was sore and traumatized from stress. I literally gagged down 16 oz. of this shit drink and then had to gag down 32 oz. of water within an hour. I was distended and trying not to throw up the medication. Within a half hour, all hell broke loose in my colon!! Four hours later.........I went to bed.

My sister and I do FaceTime every Thursday night. We decided to forego the noisy bathroom FT. As I sat on the toilet - here is a text chain with her:

Bridget: R we on for tonight?

Me: Sorry sitting on a toilet. Thar she blows!

Bridget: Do u have your ladies tonight?

Me: No. Colonoscopy prep. I am on toilet duty til noon tomorrow.

Bridget: Well break a hemorrhoid.

Me: I already have a massive rash. It's a crime scene in my ass crack!!!

Bridget: (Ha ha) Let's hope u r unconscious before the screaming starts in the OR.

Me: (emoji laugh faces) I suspect I'll be handcuffed when I come to.

Bridget: Just a crime scene outline on the table.

Me: (more emoji laugh faces) I'm using our text feed in my next blog!!

Bridget: (thumbs up emoji)

Next day - Colonoscopy Appointment at 12:30pm. I slept in the guest room to be closer to the bathroom and not disturb Ed all night. Rey, our cat, decided torturing me all night was a fantastic plan of additional trauma. I had to get up at 6am, read my reminder note to NOT drink coffee, gag down another 16 oz. container of Satan Fluid and another 32 oz. of water within an hour. Then I sat on the toilet for the next 3 hrs. - while wandering around the house in between purging - f**king nauseous and fungry - until we packed up and headed off to GBMC.

I was called in quickly. The staff were all very nice and funny. A nurse came in after I'd changed into my hospital leisure wear - carrying a warm much appreciated blanket. She asked if I needed anything else and I replied, "Coffee?" She laughed. I had a long chat with my procedure prep nurse. I was left to doze and dwell on the upcoming anal audit. When I was wheeled in, I noted the very crowded bright procedure room. I've never seen so many machines and gadgets in ny life!! I said, "Wow! It's like a set from the movie Alien!!" That got a laugh. When I was introduced to everyone (4 people), I thanked each of them - which seemed to surprise them. I wanted to make friends with the staff - not piss them off!! I was in mid-sentence again - when I woke up back in my prep room. Below is the second text chain with my sister post procedure:

Me: When asked by the nurse to confirm I was of sound mind - she asked what my name and birthdate was. I said, "I'm so effing hungry! Colleen McIntosh (birthdate here)." She laughed. Running theme throughout the procedure. They found one polyp and removed it. Everything else was clean as a whistle (whatever that expression means - does your ass whistle?). Waiting for the polyp diagnosis to come back. When asked if I needed anything - I would answer, "Coffee." When the nurse asked if I wanted a blanket - I said, "Yes. Coffee." When she asked if I wanted a WARM blanket, I said, "Yes, with Coffee." She said the warm blanket was all she had to offer me. I said, "I'll take what I can get." She and I laughed a lot!! She'd ask me questions pertaining to my health history in between us joking around. During the post questions, the post-op male nurse (I'm about 6 people in at this point and hope they were all medicare assigned!!!) - He asked me if I wanted anything to drink or eat. I said, "Coffee and Lobster." (I got goldfish and gingerale) That joke went on until I snuck out. He caught me and we waited for Ed to call when he was out front in the car. Ed never called. He forgot - so Tom (male nurse) and I walked out to find Ed playing backgammon in the car. BTW - when Dr. Jani came in prior to us leaving - I introduced him to Ed, saying, "You know my husband's colon as well!" Fun times! Now I'm worried about the prognosis. Ed is right when he expresses concerns about my "what if" attitude - always being doom and gloom. You and Ed can commiserate!! Love you!! Thanks for making me laugh so hard while expressing my anal glands last night!! (heart emoji)

Bridget: (Haha emoji) Glad the procedure went ok. Now it's hurry up and wait.

Me: Of course. Always left in suspense!

It's taken me a few days to get back to normal eating and deficating schedules. It's fascinating how much waste product can fit inside a colon! I'm very nervous about getting surprise bills from using a hospital rather than an ambulatory facility. I do not trust Medicare or my supplementary insurance to honor their promises. I also made the GBMC Medical Secretary promise me I'd get no surprise bills - and she assured me I wouldn't. We'll see. I know people who received bills up to 2 years after their procedure. I wish we had Universal Coverage!! BTW - the doctor wants to see me in 5 years!!

I just got an email that my pathology report is on my personal chart. After reading through all the medical jargon - I found 3 words that I could actually understand - Negative for Malignancy!! Of course, those three words should have been at the top of the report - not buried in the middle!!!! I feel so much better that I have a clean colon thus far!! Gagging down the Suprep and starving me for 2.5 days was worth it!! I can breath for 5 years until the next round. I will demand the more palatable prep medication (Suflave) next time and a cup of coffee after the procedure!

Next day I got a more thorough report from my gastro-doc and the report took a dark turn:

“Sigmoid colon (polyp), polypectomy:

Tubular adenoma with foci of high-grade dysplasia involving less than 10% of the polyp.

The foci of high-grade dysplasia are not present at the inked margin of the specimen.

Negative for malignancy.”

⸻

Simplified Translation:

A polyp was removed from the sigmoid colon (the lower part of your large intestine).

    •    The polyp is called a tubular adenoma, which is a precancerous type of growth.

    •    A small part of it (less than 10%) had high-grade dysplasia, which means the cells looked very abnormal and closer to becoming cancer—but still not cancer.

    •    The abnormal cells were not found at the edges of the removed tissue (the “inked margin”), meaning it looks like the entire dangerous part was successfully removed.

    •    The polyp is not cancer (“negative for malignancy”).

⸻

What this means for you:

    •    The polyp was precancerous, with a small area that was more advanced, but still not yet cancer.

    •    It was completely removed, and there’s no sign of cancer.

    •    You’ll likely need more frequent colonoscopies to monitor for future polyps, but this one was caught in time.

I got very depressed and had to wrap my head around a pre-canerous polyp and a colonoscopy in one year's time. I am mad, sad and scared - but I can't let this dwell on my psyche for a whole fucking year! Life is short!

During the Colon Iliad - I've also been dealing with another doctor of doom - the dentist!! I've changed dentists since I joined Medicare. I have dental insurance - but that took a year of research until finally selecting Delta Dental again. We have limited resources at this time of senior-hood, so I went back to my previous insurance. My new dentist is younger and came highly recommended from reliable sources. He's also within walking distance. I hadn't had a decent dental appointment in a very long time. My new dental practice is thorough and does a phenomonal job at the regular cleanings. The staff is so nice and excellent (and they've read my book!). However, during my first visit and X-ray - Dr. P discovered a dark spot on one of my older crowns. Like getting a hip replacement (another appointment I'll be making in the future) as you age, he wanted to replace my old crown for a bright shiny new one. Unfortunately, my dental plan was only 7 mo. into it's term - so I would have to pay out-of-pocket for the procedure. I decided to take my chances and wait until the full year was up and insurance would cover half the cost. Once the full year came round - it then became a waiting game with Delta Dental - will they cover this procedure or not!! I kept checking with the front desk people - whether they'd heard anything - but kept getting zilch response from Delta Dental. I decided to stop at my dentist one day and ask them in person - thinking that would make a difference. While talking with the woman in charge of insurance issues - the quiet young lady nearby was typing away - as I bemoaned about the delay. She plunked down a piece of paper while I was yammering (complaining) away - which was the approval document from DD. My presence was beneficial - perfect timing!! So I made my appointment - which was a couple days before my colonoscopy! Invaded from one end to the other in less than a week! I don't recommend it!

I'd only seen Dr. P twice prior to this procedure. He always had a mask on or a mask with his massive headgear with lamps and gadgets - to better see inside my mouth without hurting his back. While I was being prepped and chatting with the super nice dental assistant - a 12-year-old boy dressed in doctor scrubs walked in and smiled and then walked out. I thought, "Wow. Is this bring your kid to work day??" I kept chatting - trying not to think about this potentially painful event - when the kid walked back in and started talking to me. He was adorable and very friendly. Then I realized that he was Dr. P!!!! I mentioned my confusion by saying, "Dr. P - as you get older - every medical person you see looks like a child! I've never seen you without a mask!" He said, "When I was in dental school - I got that all the time! It used to really piss me off - so I grew a beard." I wanted to say, "You are so lucky! Shut up and stop complaining about looking young - you adorable cherub!!" He began the "numbing" process - which was very thorough. I got about 50 injections until half my head was unconcious to what was about to happen. This procedure took over an hour and my partially opened jaw - for that length of time - was not yet aware of the pain to follow!! When he finished - he told me that this replacement crown and refilling of the partial tooth underneath - may result in a dead nerve and a root canal. I just sat there staring at his adorable baby face and drooling in despair. So, after all this financial strain, waiting and discomfort - I find out that this might lead to more financial strain, more waiting and a lot more discomfort!!! Mother F**ker!!!

It took about 12 hours for the feeling to come back to my face. Ed was on "drool patrol" until I came out of my partial coma. I get the temporary crown replaced in a couple weeks and pray that I can prove him wrong about the root canal omen.

Next up is my Dexa-Screening! Has my Osteopenia improved or worsened!! I truly understand why older adults talk incessantly about their health and medical abnormalities. It's because as you age - that yearly wellness check ends up revealing some new aberration in your body or mind. Since turning 65 - I've been slowly decomposing!!

I still haven't found a GYN yet - and strongly leaning towards ignoring my vagina until I croak. It's basically a vestigial organ at this point - useless!

Since joining Medicare - I have now successfully fulfilled some of my senior doctor appointments and procedures - the cataract, the crown replacement and the colonoscopy!! Upcoming potential events could be - hip replacement, hearing aids and dementia testing!! Just to name a few!! FYI - cognitive deterioratioin has already begun!!

Pirate fashion is all the rage!

Aaarrbedarghhh…me matey! Where’s me parrot?

 My title is a little play on the novel, “The Catcher In The Rye” by J.D. Salinger. I know this is a massive stretch comparing myself to Holden Caulfield – BUT – as a 65-year-old postmenopausal woman - there are a few similarities. We are both bewildered and frustrated by the “phoniness” of society. We are both weary and unbalanced. Fighting the “machine.” I lost my innocence long ago – but still yearn for my irretrievable youth. We are both protagonists in our own stories/books. Life is precarious and unstable – but we just keep plodding along - making it up as we go. BTW – my book is also considered “salty” in more ways than one! I wonder if I’ve been banned?

This blog is about my Cataract Adventure. Cataract surgery - live to see another day! A tale that I hope enlightens those considering cataract surgery but are confused by the process and overwhelmed by the glut and dearth of information. Finding a good Ophthalmologist and Cataract Surgeon are key. Following their instructions, loading up on snacks, binging TV shows with multiple seasons, lots of naps/sleep and forcing someone to wait on you 24/7 are all part of making this as painless as possible. 

I’ve been extremely bored the past couple weeks, so my blog is going to be a doozy!!

Cataract research - thank you Post-It Notes!

I’m going to cover the events in real time(ish). When I was diagnosed last fall – I decided to research this aged eye-related surgery to the nth degree prior to committing to the operation. I have just completed my Right Eye (2/8) and in the recovery phase (with one refurbished eye and one half-blind eye – attempting to work together, play nice and focus on the task at hand). So, I will start from the beginning and hope that my personal detailed account will help anyone thinking about having this surgery or anyone concerned about their genetically inclined future eye issues. 

1.  Pre-Surgery Diagnosis: I’ve already blogged about my initial diagnosis – see blog excerpt below from - “You’re Getting Old!”:

Ophthalmologist – My eyes have always been sub-par – so cataracts were inevitable. When I was referred to an Ophthalmologist I was once again surprised to see a very cute pregnant 15-year-old doctor. Of course, she wasn’t 15 – but every doctor looks so f**king young to me. She proceeded to tell me that my eyeballs are short, small and shaped wrong. I’m sure she said that in more technical terms – but that’s what I heard. We were nose-to-nose as she stared into my eyes and held my head and said, “Your head is narrow and (long pause) “petit.” I said, “Did you just say I have a small brain?” She laughed and said, “You’re funny!” She did not clarify her original statement – but left my tiny brain to process this momentous diagnosis.

My mom said my brain is small but MIGHTY! 

Did my head (brain) shrink? Does that explain why my ears look bigger? 

Cataracts situation – My insurance does not offer laser surgery. I have two astigmatisms which equates Toric lens implants and lasik surgery. It also means out of pocket costs for my EYESIGHT!! Twisted health insurance logic!!!

Conclusion – getting cataract surgery that is best for my eyesight even though it will cost me one of my arms and half a leg.

My OCD went into massive overdrive researching and worrying – thank you Cataracts!! Overthinking everything. What-ifing to death. On an OCD scale of 1 to 10 – I was riding that 10-point summit for weeks. 

As a renowned Nervous Nelly – I tried to squeeze answers out of family, medical staff and doctors on every little detail about this procedure – but only got vague mumblings about how great it is. Most doctors give you medical (non-committal) information and family has erased most of the surgery details and fuzzed out any trauma. I wanted “barometers” – pre/surgery/post/recovery – but realized I had to mount and tame this bronco on my own. 

After I joined Medicare and got supplemental insurance, I had to make another appointment (12/12/23) with an Ophthalmologist because my last appointment had timed-out on the requirements for scheduling cataract surgery. My new doctor is excellent and did not make fun of my petit head! Dr. Levinson of Specialized Eye Care ran all the tests and re-confirmed my need for cataract surgery. He has a great staff – who were very interested in my Menopause Book – which they ordered while I was being tested. I know what you’re thinking – how did menopause come up during an eye exam? I love to chat and I find most women share this passion. Many topics were discussed in the matter of minutes and menopause happened to be one of them. Anyway, Dr. Levinson decided to play a game with me - 20 Cataract Questions. He asked, “Why are you here?” I was a bit confused and a bit concerned that this was a quiz and hesitantly replied, “For cataract surgery?” He barked, “Good Answer!” Then he said, “What else!” I said, “I want you to refer me to an excellent eye surgeon since you no longer perform this surgery?” “PERFECT,” he said, “I have someone I have worked with. What else?” I replied, “I want someone close by. I don’t want to drive 2-3 hours to D.C. in nightmarish traffic.” He parried with, “How close?” I was now frantic and this game was making me panic and yelped, “Nearby in Towson!!!” Dr. L replied, “Good Answer!!!” I was exhausted at our repartee but got what I wanted – a referral that was 15 minutes from my home and which came with glowing accolades. I was a little out of breath after running this eyeball gauntlet!! The surgery was also being performed in the same area at a reputable ambulatory facility – Dulaney Eye Institute. The cherry on top! FYI – hospital surgery is more expensive than ambulatory.

Now that this decision was solidified – I then made an appointment with the surgeon on 1/9/24 to determine which cataract surgery was best for my waning eyesight. In the meantime – I just had to get through the holidays (you can read all about that in my blog “Sneeze the Day!”)!

To while away the time – I reached out to some family for their own cataract experiences. I’d already talked to my father-in-law who had recently undergone cataract surgery and grilled him on all the details/costs/recovery/outcome. I also asked my sister who’d had it done 3 years prior, my mom and my sister-in-law.

My father-in-law had the most detail because as time went by – most people tend to have less and less memory of having their eyeball lenses stripped and replaced. If you ask anyone who has worn glasses their entire life how they feel about having their eyeballs surgically tweaked – they’ll all pale, look nauseous and may even run away with ears covered, screaming, “La la la la la….I can’t hear you….la la la la la!!!!” When you age – this is a very common and safe procedure – so buck up and start research early.

2.  Cataract Surgery Decisions: I went to my pre-surgery appointment in early January with my list of questions and concerns. I once again ran the “trial by eyeball” performed by very nice non-judgmental young women who have to deal with seniors all day long. One curious observation while there – was that none of the young staff wore glasses. That’s not to say that they weren’t wearing contacts – but I found it odd and a bit unsettling. Just prior to meeting with my surgeon, they had me watch a video on Traditional (performed manually) versus Laser-assisted Cataract Surgery. It was about 15 minutes and made my decision VERY easy. When they showed the Traditional method – they mimicked a hand-cut squiggly line cutting the cataract and then sloppily removing it. Same lack of precision for inserting the new lens. My vivid imagination made me gag a little. When they showed the laser performing the same operation – it was precision perfection and took a minute. The only downside to using laser is that you pay for this meticulous option out-of-pocket. Insurance and Medicare have not advanced with technology and will not cover the cost of laser. I could have shopped around for the cheapest surgical team – but opted for experience, safety protocol and stellar reputation – rather than saving me money. Eyeballs are delicate orbs that require pampering. I’ve already spent a lot of money on these fragile viscous balls of nerves and cones – so why stop now. If anyone is interested in how much my laser surgery cost – you can sign up on my website and email me your questions. It’s not the most expensive and not the cheapest. I’m very content with my decision. Also, my HSA paid for this procedure – which is why I opened this savings/investment/tax-free medical account many years ago and finally tapping into it.

When I met Dr. Pramanik (who wears glasses) I felt very comfortable with his calm and confident demeanor. He was less aggressive with his mental exams – but still challenged me. 

Below is yet another excerpt from my blog - “Sneeze the Day”:

Cataract Negotiations: I do need reassurance (way too much) when planning or making big decisions - like cataract surgery. 

My doctor listed out the post-op “Do Nots” which made my heart do a little pitter-patter of concern. I asked, “Well what about exercise? I work out five days a week.” He said, “No bending over (90° bend from waist) for at least one week or until you are healed. For both eye surgeries.” I must have looked panicked because he then patiently asked, “What kind of work out do you do?” I said, “Pilates and Yoga.” Like that must be an exception to the rule! He said, “When you do these exercises – do you bend over?” We stared at each other for a long pause and I whispered, “Yes.” He then smugly said, “Then don’t do it!” I was pretty pissed that he cleverly outwitted me and that now I couldn’t ask about cleaning!!! After my appointment I started counting how many times I bent over from the waist and stopped at 52 bends because it was only 10am (I'd been home an hour.)

I’ve done a ton of research on cataract surgery options, lens, pre/post guidelines, statistics of recovery and success rates, etc. etc., ad nauseum! I will be paying out of pocket for the enhanced Toric lens surgery because they made me watch a video of the procedure – manual vs. laser. After the video I told the doctor, “I’ve made up my mind to do laser surgery and will (gladly) pay for it out of pocket – because you made me watch a horror movie about manually cutting my eyeballs!!!” He said, “Horror movie?” Sweating, I said, “Have you watched that video!!!” We also talked about anesthesia for this procedure since I’d also heard a few nightmare stories of people being totally awake during this “A Clockwork Orange” surgery. He told me that they use a twilight anesthetic, but I would be aware and able to see and hear while they worked. I said, “Does anyone choose to be unaware?” He responded, “Yes – we just give you a little more juice!” Bring On The Juice!!!

My defected eyeballs will have surgery in a couple weeks – one week apart. I will have to get out the restraints and have Ed hide the key for about a month. He’ll have to clean up my cage and hand feed me with gloves. This will not be pretty. 

When we went through my surgical options – laser was already pre-determined. Dr. Pramanik proceeded to cross out all but 2 of them. Door #1 - Traditional (they called it Standard) Lens with Laser and Door #2 - Toric Lens with Laser. The difference is that Toric repairs my 2 astigmatisms (and more expensive). I selected Toric. My 2 astigmatisms have always been those unwanted guests that never leave. (Kind of like me when I stayed at my sister’s home for a year – 11 months more than originally planned) So, the procedures that I/we eliminated were all manually performed surgeries and the one called Multifocal Lens and Laser. He said that I was not qualified for the multifocal. So, Door #2 was the winner!! My eyeballs came with a caveat. Statistically I was in a lower percentile of full recovery (20/20) success. I fell in the 85% versus the 97% percentile. We shook hands on the “cross your fingers it all works out percentile!“

I have found that the medical community can spout generalities about what the outcome should be (in a perfect world) – but always with vague and unsettling potential casualties that can occur in the 5% of patients. I DID NOT want to be one of the “unique percentiles” (victims). 

With pre-op checkup complete – Dr. Pramanik offered to get me into his schedule the following week – but after I picked my stomach up off the floor and swallowed my vomit – I opted for early February. I needed a month to wrap my terrified brain around this decision. I also needed to find a new GP and get the pre-op physical done. Once again, I needed to do research. 

I had to go over additional details with one of the staff prior to leaving. She was very thorough and gave me a nice packet of materials for me to read over and things I had to complete prior to my surgery. I complimented her on her organized folio. I love detailed paperwork!!! She mentioned that I would be wearing an eye shield after the surgery and would also wear it when I napped or slept.

Pirate Eye Patch for kids (and crazy old women)!

That perked me up. I asked her, “Do you have the eye patches in different colors or designs?” She laughed and said, “No! It’s a plastic eye shield.” I was disappointed and muttered, “I wanted a black pirate patch with skull and crossbones.” So, I bought some when I got home. If I’m going to wear an eye shield – it must be “eye-catching!” BTW – you cannot use the purchased designer eye patches to replace your plastic eye shield. It’s only used over the medical shield as decoration!

In the meantime, I met with my women’s group and told them about my upcoming surgery. They asked who the doctor was and I completely butchered his name. But one of the lady’s confidently said, “You mean Dr. Pramanik?” Surprised, I said yes and it turns out that her husband had an eye surgery performed by Dr. Pramanik and they loved him and his practice. He came highly recommended. That made me feel so much better!! 

I couldn’t find a GP in the time allotted – so I opted for Patient First to perform my pre-surgery physical. Below is an excerpt from my blog - “Sneeze the Day”:

I’ve already blogged about my (part 2) historically bizarre doctor appointments and this exam proves my record remains unbroken. When the woman came in to give me an EKG I was laid out on the slab in my easy-access Johnny gown (feminine translation - Jenny gown) - wide open and waiting for the stake - imagining that this would be the death-blow heart test results – because every doctor appointment makes me feel like it might be my last. As she was placing stickers all over my chest, ribcage, legs, etc., I happened to glance over and noticed that the curtain wasn’t pulled shut. As I watched people walk by - I very politely said, “Do you mind closing the curtain? I’d hate to see myself like this on social media. Not very pretty. I wore a hat today and have “Hat-Head.” She laughed because my saggy boobs were hanging out for all to see – my right one was pointing at the open curtain - daring a passerby to take a picture. In other words, no one would have cared about my Hat-Head (only said for sarcasm). Actually, no one seemed to care about my sagging boobs either??? She closed the curtain anyway. BTW - my heart is still beating.

I also seem to have issues getting my blood pressure taken properly. I’m either dying or dead. The first BP had me dying – so the doctor redid it because she didn’t believe the results. She started rambling on about BP Cuffs (the armband device that they pump up and squeeze the crap out of your upper arm and then very slowly deflate). Apparently, the initial results were askew because they used an adult cuff. So, my doctor pulled out the child cuff to perform the death knell. Another pattern that keeps emerging - I have sub-par grownup body parts – head and now arms. I also may have hyper-tension as a result of these multiple BP readings – which doesn’t surprise me one bit. With my OCD and tendency to expect the worst – I’m a Blood Pressure Monitoring Nightmare! 

With my track record of Doctor’s visits and procedures – I was somewhat cautious about my cataract surgery. But my physical was approved and next came the pre-payment. What could go wrong!!!

I decided to pay in person and popped in a couple weeks prior to my procedure. I met a lovely woman in the elevator (Carol) and we briefly talked about cataract surgery. She had just completed her 2nd eye and in for a post-op checkup. We parted ways and I went to the front desk to reconcile my surgical bill. As I made jokes and chatted with the nice woman helping me – I was all paid up and checked that box on my to-do list. I ran into Carol again and we had a lovely conversation about her recovery tips and she calmed me down (off my minds-eye-ledge). Once again, menopause came up in the conversation because she asked me what I did for a living. I said, “Retired, but now I’m an author.” I told her about my book which really tickled her and she mentioned that her goddaughter was in Ireland writing a book about Menopause and Mental Health!! Ironically, a blog topic I was half-way through writing – what are the odds!!! We exchanged info and I left feeling so pleased with myself. That self-satisfaction lasted until Ed called. He was working in DC and had a fender bender on the highway which is all too common in our area (everyone was fine). He was in a horrible mood – obviously – and his mood went out the roof when he discovered that I had paid for the surgery with my debit card – not my HSA card. I felt like an idiot because I had been so busy talking and being witty with the staff - that I wasn’t “paying” attention and grabbed the wrong card. No talking Ed off his ledge – but I showed up at the doctor’s first thing next morning and explained my plight to the nice woman who’d helped me the day before. As I waited to see if accounts payable could switch payments – a couple of the younger staff were whispering and looking over at me while I sat in my “demented old lady chair” feeling that their whispers were justified. It all got resolved and for the second time left the practice embarrassed but relieved I was able to repair the damage. 

I still had a week to complete my prep for the first surgery on 2/8/24. I had to get 4 different eye drops from the pharmacy. It’s never straight forward when ordering drugs of any kind. Walgreens had all but 1 of the drops required. I asked when I would be able to pick up the missing drop – only to be told they had a shortage and couldn’t get it. That was worrisome. I called Mid-Atlantic Cornea Consultants and they found the missing eye drop at the neighboring pharmacy CVS (literally across the street from Walgreens). I bought 2 of them because I have 2 eyes and didn’t want to run out!!! 

So, I was then able to gather my meds, paperwork, medical/ID cards, post-it notes, etc. for my surgery tote. It’s kind of like prepping your baby bag when pregnant – only I was birthing new eyeballs! BTW – wear a button-down shirt for the procedure – because pulling a turtleneck over an eyeball that was recently operated on would be a very bad idea! Great advice given to me which you should heed. You are fairly loopy after surgery and should not handle large machinery or turtlenecks!

3.  C-Day – Cataract Surgery: Understandably, you can’t eat or drink after midnight before a surgery. I was fine with the no food and water part – but felt a headache coming on - because that also included NO COFFEE!

Drinking coffee at age 3 is normal - right?

Just prior to leaving home – I had to do my pre-surgery eye drops for dilation. I was told to arrive an hour early for sign in. Very busy waiting room of seniors! Ed was with me because you obviously can’t drive yourself home. We waited for about 45 minutes and I still hadn’t been called up to sign in? Ed manned up and took control - reminding the nursing staff that there was a sign-up sheet of people (& me) waiting for check in. They claimed that they didn’t SEE this sheet – which made me a little concerned. It all worked out and I was called into the surgical area shortly after my delayed check in. At this point they had to put more dilating drops in my eye because I had once again timed out.

As we were walking to my cubicle – the prep nurse asked if I needed to go to the bathroom. I said, “Of course. I’m a woman. I can POD – Pee on Demand!” Once in my cubicle, I had my vitals taken. Lots of health questions, temp, the dreaded Blood Pressure, etc. I liked my prep nurse – she had a sense of humor. Once the basics were out of the way – we had the serious surgery prep. I only had to strip off my top and kept my bra, pants and combat boots on. It made me laugh to see my boots sticking out of the gown and blanket while on the gurney. She proceeded to put large black metal clamps on my forearms – which reminded me of my husband’s woodworking clamps. I said, “Are you planning on electrocuting me? Are these for reviving me if something goes wrong?” She laughed and explained the clamps. I had a Brain Fart while she explained and can’t for the life of me remember their usage. She had to put an IV into my arm and all was going well until I looked down at the bloody mess that was my arm and asked, “Should I be concerned?” She ignored my question and asked me if she could get me anything - and I said, “I’ll take some coffee.” This became a running joke because that was my answer for every question posed throughout this whole procedure. 

The next stage was the surgical nurse – with additional prepping for the event. I had wires and hook-ups all over me. She explained the process – laser room was first and did not require anesthesia. I squeaked, “WHAT?” She said, “Don’t look so panicked – it’s painless.” Of course, that’s coming from a young woman who has never had cataract surgery!!! I also asked her for coffee.

Stage 3 was the anesthesiologist. She applied more (numbing) drops. As she was doing her thing, I noticed that my left eye was getting droopy (the non-surgery eye). I said, “Why is my left eye droopy and sleepy?” She looked confused and said, “I only put numbing drops in your right eye and it doesn’t make you sleepy – that occurs when I give you the Twilight Anesthesia (Juice) in your intravenous prior to the new lens procedure.” We just looked at each other. I had no explanation for my droopy left eye except maybe it’s show of solidarity with the right eye surgery? So, I dropped that conversation and didn’t ask her for coffee.

They rolled me into the “Laser Room” and quickly prepped me for Part A of cataract surgery. I'm fuzzy on the details because I was getting nervous and checking out. Dr. Pramanik very calmly explained what was happening and inserted a round, spring-loaded “monocle” into my eye cavity in the “blink(less) of an eye” and they laid me down and strapped my head in place to prevent movement. It reminded me of every horror movie I’ve seen of being immobile and tortured slowly. The nurse whipped me around underneath the laser. They didn’t give you time to freak out or run! The laser did its job while I “Clockworked Orange” underneath. Super-fast procedure. The monocle kept my eye stabilized and prevented me from blinking and screaming in agony as the laser cut off my eyelid. Oops! Sorry my imagination just took over my typing hands! 

Once that was completed, they administered the Twilight Juice. If I could have wept tears of joy – I would have. Part B of the surgery was inserting my new Toric lens. This part got weird.

I was vaguely aware of the activity but didn’t care. I heard disembodied voices/conversations about mundane things – but can’t recall the actual words.

Picture of strange old woman laughing after cataract surgery!

I had a bizarre light show going on in my right eyeball that kept me transfixed. I was having a laser show and northern lights spectacle being performed for a concert of one. It was somewhat nightmarish but not unpleasant. Like a vivid dream that you can’t wake up from and unsure if you should scream or go with the flow. I wonder if this is what an acid trip feels like? BTW – spectacle(s) means – as in defects of vision or something exhibited to view as unusual, notable or entertaining. Eye-catching or dramatic public display. An accurate description.

Next thing I know – I’m back in a cubicle and awake(ish). I was still loopy. The nurse asked if I wanted something to drink. My husband appeared out of nowhere to hear the discharge instructions (because I wouldn’t remember).

I'm a Rock Star - in my mind! Someone please take that phone away from me.

I immediately asked two questions, “Ed, where is my phone? I want you to take some pictures.” Second question was for the nurse, “Do you have coffee? Thanks.” They said no to coffee and gave me cranberry juice. I pounded down 2 cups and then had water – because they still refused to give me coffee. I made Ed take some pix while I was laughing for no reason. I grabbed the phone and took a selfie while doing a rockstar peace sign. I was a lunatic – wobbly, giggling and hard to handle. I eventually got dressed and was asked to leave. So, I put on my unattractive Black Out Goggles (sunglasses) that came with my discharge paperwork. 

Ed won't let me wear these in public. I look like a fly!

4.  Post-Surgery – Convalescing and Bored: Once home, I proceeded to sit on the couch for the remainder of the day – except when I had to do my eye drop regimen. I still had my plastic eye shield – which was heavily taped down on my face. When I removed it for the first round of drops – I had a hematoma above my right eyebrow and half that eyebrow was missing. Curious? WTF happened while I was at the concert. Ed and I surmised that my old delicate onion-skin face bruised when they strapped me down? Maybe I struggled or started gurney-dancing while at the concert? Apparently, they also gave me a waxing/threading to reshape my eyebrow to match my new shiny eyeball. I should have asked for a facial while I was under the twilight influence. I also needed a waxing for my mustache, goatee and nose hair forest. I’ll ask them to do that for my next surgery. My new eyebrow gives me a cock-eyed expression. I now look quizzical, comically quaint, mildly teasing and mocking - with a splash of puzzlement. 

Cataract surgery essentials!

I recommend setting your alarm for the eye drop reminders (4 x per day). I also set a timer after each drop – for 3 minutes – because you need to wait for it to absorb into your eyeball before doing the next one. You will be applying a MILLION drops to your eye for 1 month after surgery X 2.  Pay Attention!!!

My right eye felt like I had shards of glass and grit – which made my eye leaky and my right nostril never stopped running. I got very concerned and called Mid-Atlantic late afternoon. They told me to take Tylenol for the pain and if worsened to call the overnight attending doctor. They also called in an ointment (like eyeball aspirin) in case I panicked (over-reacted) even more. BTW - they ask that you continue to wear your glasses while your eye(s) adjust.

Post-surgery - still loopy!

I suffered through my eye drops and put on my eye shield for bedtime. I had a post-op appointment early the next morning to check my eye progress. The pain had lessened come morning. I did not shower – because you CANNOT get that eye wet for a couple weeks after surgery. I still needed to research and figure out how to navigate the showering. My eye was doing okay – but I had elevated “eyeball pressure” that needed to come down to normal before I could leave. I had my purse and tote of eyedrops with me and kept moving them out of the way for the tech to do her thing. I finally said, “Sorry, but I have a lot of baggage that I carry around with me everywhere!” She laughed which made me appreciate that she got my pathetic joke. They gave me 3 kinds of eyeball pressure drops X 3 - over the course of an hour until they were satisfied. It symbolized my outlook on life – Too much pressure and I need to calm the f**k down! I wondered what would happen if they couldn’t bring my pressure down – would my eyeball explode? Anyway, it finally deflated and they gave me an eye exam. My vision had already improved quite a bit. Pretty miraculous!

An excuse to wear all your cute PJ's! I love crosswords!

I had to tell them that I occasionally had a “strobe, shimmer, underwater ripple” that was hard to describe – so they called in another eye drop for me to take for pressure and to shut me up. I almost asked for a Xanax prescription to alleviate the mental/high blood pressures. Sigh!

Once home, I really wished that my packet came with an Eyeball Barometer with all the potential anomalies. They cover the more severe possibilities but not the unknown odd things that can occur. My sister was helpful in assuaging my fears. She said that over the course of the week before my next surgery my eye would gradually adjust. Once I had my second surgery – I should notice a big difference. It’s a bit wonky having one eye done – while still wearing my glasses – doing eyedrops and wearing an eye shield at night. Like me, my eyes are very confused. 

Pepe Le Pew PJ's! I don't own sexy ones.

Surgery #2 is 2/15 – a couple days from now. I’ll take Valentine’s Day to prep for Thursday - mentally and physically. No romance this year! I still have a slight “water shimmer” effect and my right eyeball looks bigger than my left – but trying to be calm and let this baby heal. 

A couple important tips to remember when convalescing after cataract surgery: 

A.  Do Not bend over from the waist! It creates a lot of pressure on your eyeballs. I admit I forgot a couple times (it was more than 2) – anticipating my eyeball bursting and spraying all over the floor. I love to bend over but I now know it’s harmful to your eyeball pressure. My husband is very disappointed.

B.   Do Not hold in your sneeze! I was terrified the first time one was coming on – afraid my eyeball would go flying across the room. I am a violent sneezer!

C.   Do Not strain when you poop! I remember when the nurse was giving me instructions prior to being released - I asked Ed, “Did she just say don’t Poop?” Who knew your eyeballs were affected by your constipation!! Yes, anesthesia causes bowel issues.

D.  Do Not lift your 25 lb. cat! She’ll eventually stop meowing and get over it (I hope).

E.   Do Not eat only comfort food! You can’t exercise for a long time. I combat weight gain by working out a lot. I gained 3 lbs. by day #2 of sitting on the couch binging TV and snacks. Stock your fridge and snack bins with a few healthy items to balance the gallon of post-op ice cream in your freezer. 

F.   How to Shower Post-Surgery! Buy yourself a big box of Big-Ass Waterproof Band-Aids that cover your entire eye plus half your face and add some waterproof tape to make sure nothing leaks in. Put your shower head on low pressure and never fully immerse your face or head. Be conscious and careful – so you can wash your hair and body of the post-surgery sour sweat. 

Big Ass Band-Aids!

G.  DO NOT RUB YOUR EYE(S)! Ignore that phantom itch that will inevitably occur the minute the Doctor says, “Don’t rub your eyes for the first couple weeks – it could damage your cataract.” Wash your hands before touching your delicate new eyeballs. You can use a sterile cotton disposable pad or cotton ball to remove eye boogers and clean your eyelid – but you must not apply any pressure while doing so. Be gentle.. 

I talk about being a clean freak – so by Day #3 of convalescing - I was chomping at the bit to vacuum! Ed gave me permission with his supervision. He obviously had no intentions of vacuuming or cleaning while I recovered. I couldn’t crawl around and clean underneath everything like I normally do – but I was so excited to vacuum because I was bored out of my effing mind!!! 

My nephew Monkey The Pug sent me a get well card!

5.  Surgery #2 – Left Eye: I admit that I expected to be less nervous with my 2nd surgery – but it was the opposite. I was cranky and really wanted coffee - so I would have to cancel the surgery.

We arrived at DEI to an empty waiting room. We both thought this odd and that we got the date wrong. I found out that a lot of people wait 2 weeks between surgeries – so that mob of seniors on 2/8 were probably due the following week. I had everyone’s full attention!! 

Things were slightly different round 2. It took less time to prep me. I had a different nurse who was bored and taciturn. She didn’t ask me if I needed anything – so I never got the chance to ask for coffee. It was pretty mundane until she inserted my intravenous needle. I told her I had “rolling veins” and she proved it – because she kept missing!! I was moaning like a sick cow while she attempted to hit my wandering vein. It reminded me of the first time I got on a waterbed - trying to maneuver the waves - while attempting to look confident and sexy for the idiot I was dating. Only men think waterbeds are a turn on. He weighed about 150 lbs. more than me so every time he moved – I went flying! My vein had a mind of its own and being coy by rolling away from the nurse’s needle. Without apology – she finally got it in. I rode that pain just to get my happy, sleepy juice!! 

As my surgical nurse got me prepped for my procedure, I asked, “They had a lot more wires attached to me last time – why is it different?” She said, “No, it’s the same??” My imagination was apparently working overtime on the first surgery – everything was way more complicated round 1. She was very sweet and wrapped me in warm blankets (yes – they have toaster-warm blankets that I now want for my home) and walked me to the Laser Room. I was more aware this time as she strapped me to my laser bed. While we waited for Dr. Pramanik – I felt like my head wasn’t as secure as the first time and started to worry that I’d accidentally move (run away) during the procedure. My nurse was a little too sweet and afraid to cause me any discomfort – so I asked her to re-tighten my strap and re-wedge me into position. Dr. P arrived to put in my monocle – which is very discomfiting – and I was way more aware second time around of this spring-loaded torture device. This time round I remembered everything. They poured a thick fluid into the eye socket monocle device and then a suction cup gets snapped into place over the monocle. Disconcerting to say the least and my blood pressure shot up in anticipation of what was next on the menu – cataract slice and dice. I remained frozen while the machine did its job and expelled my breath once completed. My nurse had to help me walk back to my gurney because I was wobbly. I did not recall this procedure in such detail the first time. It is painless and quick - but still unnerving.

My anesthesiologist arrived to get me ready for the new cataract lens. She explained that this time round – I would be more aware of what was going on – that the first time most people don’t remember anything. I am not “most people.” I had the best power nap - EVER!!! I remember nothing from this part of the second eye surgery. They were all surprised. I was also out-of-it and may have been abusive to Ed? The nurse had to order a wheelchair and kept holding me down until it arrived. She sent Ed to get the car while I attempted to get dressed without falling over. As she wheeled me out – I kept making "squealing tire noises" whenever she turned a corner - while giggling hysterically. I kept telling her to go faster!! I also managed to tell her the story of how Ed and I met, all about my menopause book and I may have told her a couple of my deepest darkest secrets - within the span of 10 minutes. I didn’t know Twilight Juice equated to Confessional Juice! Now I have to kill her.

Second eye surgery - just came down from my high!

Once home - I woke up and had my vat of coffee. When I removed my plastic eye shield and did my first round of eyedrops - I realized that the “hematoma” and “reshaped eyebrow” on my first eye - was fiction. The hematoma was actually the surgical mark above the surgery eye (so they didn’t accidentally do the wrong one). The waxed eyebrow was in fact my everyday eyebrow and my quizzical expression is normal. My second eye surgery was less painful after the procedure. I barely felt any discomfort – no shards of glass. 

My post-op appointment the next morning went well but revealed that my left eye also had pressure issues – so those drops just shifted over to the left eye. The amount of drops you must do over the course of 5 weeks (4 weeks each eye) is ridiculous but necessary. You have to pay close attention to which eye gets which drops because as you see from the image 

Crazy-Ass Eye Drop Schedule!

the amount of drops eventually reduce as time goes by. Cross off as you go. Keep in mind that you had your 2nd surgery a week or two after your first one – so that makes the eye drop regimen even more confusing. I was one of the youngest patients and can’t fathom how older (than 65) people keep this schedule straight. I decided to set my phone alarm(s) and to lock myself in the bathroom – no bright shiny objects to distract me from completing my mission – 4 times a day.

Below are a few observations and tips while my left eye adjusts and acclimates to seeing life in a more colorful, brighter, crisper perspective. It also needs to learn how to work with my right eyeball – teamwork is key. I feel like a newborn baby – viewing the world for the first time in Hi-Def Resolution. When you’ve had muddled eyesight since 1-year-old – this transition of clarity is a little shocking. No more squinting to read!!

This was my permanent expression before glasses!

A.  Drainage System – When you put drops into your eyeballs – you’ll experience a runny nose almost immediately. While applying the millions of eyedrops for post cataract surgery – keep a box of tissues nearby to catch the overflow. Once the eye drops have fulfilled their purpose of medicating the eyeball – the extra fluid drains from the tear duct into the nostril cavity and then down your throat – thus resulting in a sometimes-colorful runny nose (some drops are yellow). The first time I blew my nose and it came out yellow – I was a bit concerned! Everything is connected in your body – so imagine my surprise when my pee also got very “yellow!” In fact, I think I’m peeing more (if that’s even possible) since I’ve been imbibing all these eyeball drops!!! I call this leakage my – Freight Train of Tears – carrying all my baggage from eyeball to nostril to urine. In one end and out the other.

B.  Eyeball Shield – I’ve noticed two things since I started wearing a plastic eye shield for sleep. One - that this protection device looks like a codpiece or athletic cup for a very small penis! I searched for a small jockstrap to fit on my head – but had to use 3M first aid paper tape to secure it in place. Two - the 3M gentle paper tape is applied to your old, fragile, onionskin face every night to secure your codpiece (plastic eyeshield). Pulling that tape off is like getting a chemical peel every morning. I bought the “gentle” tape and can’t imagine what the regular tape would do to my face. The first time I tried pulling it off my sagging face – my cheek looked like silly putty – being pulled and stretched to the breaking point. I never did that again but have stress chafing on my cheeks like I got a freezer burn in the shape of tape strips. I have to admit that this is a good product but not kind to my tissue skin.

C.   Keep Moving – Like a Shark – As a woman of 65, eliminating exercise for even a week or two is devastating. Within a couple days of minimal movement – I found my Monkey Suit disengaging from my skeletal framework. The stress of surgery and anesthesia on your body is bad enough and ages you 10 years. With the additional instructions to keep movement down to a standing/sitting crawl sets you back months on maintaining strength and muscle tone. I need to confirm when I can resume exercise – because I’ve gained 5 lbs. - sagging arms/core/ass/thighs and have formed Worry Warts (hemorrhoids). So, any time you sit for more than an hour – make sure you get up and briskly walk a circuit around your house or yard – to minimize the damage. We don’t bounce back as quickly as we did 20 years ago. 

D.  Cheaters – I’m not referring to your husband/partner – but your eyes. When the new eyeballs start to heal and adjust – you’ll go through the various stages of repaired and rejuvenated vision. First, it’s a little cloudy and out of focus. But very quickly, your eyes become clearer, cleaner and improved vision for color and distance. But when you go to read something the first time – you realize that you might need assistance. I understand why they told me to continue wearing my glasses during convalescing. I have tri-focal glasses and couldn’t see with the top part of my lens but could still read with the bottom part. Very confusing to my eyes. I waited until my second surgery to get my first reading glasses (and stop wearing my normal glasses). DO NOT buy expensive readers until your eyes have completely healed and adjusted to their new prescription (a few weeks). Target is too expensive ($20 each) – buy them on Amazon ($15 for a pack of 5 in different colors). I stupidly and impatiently bought the Target pair initially, but my eyes are still changing and immediately ordered cheap ones on Amazon with a different strength. I discovered very quickly that I need a pair for every room while I juggle multiple pairs of eyewear. Trust me when I say - juggle and multiple. I have my prescription glasses and sunglasses, non-prescription sunglasses, readers, etc. None of them are where I need them. I am so used to having glasses on my face that I was excited to buy my first pair of Cheaters!! Unfortunately, they don't make toddler size readers for my petit head! I will continue to wear glasses because I don’t wear make-up – they are my make-up! I also buy hip/cool frames which have always been a personality/fashion statement. I have an eye exam on March 8th to determine my new eye prescription. I will need readers and may need glasses for distance. We’ll see. But I’m pretty sure I’ll continue to wear glasses – even if they just have clear plastic lenses. FYI – this is the first time that I can read subtitles on the TV while sitting on the couch. I cried while reading it out loud to Ed. He was so proud and so happy he no longer had to read for me.

Be kind to your eyes. You only have two. With cataract surgery comes not only clarity in your eyesight – but in your life. It’s all part of the aging process and surviving the aging hurdles. I hope this blog is helpful to those diagnosed with cataracts. I write to share my somewhat messy experiences and to offer moral support - whether it's menopause or cataract surgery. You are not alone. If you have any questions – please feel free to get in touch. 

My husband Ed was very helpful and supportive during this whole process. He just had a couple concerns. He said, “When your eyes get fixed – will you look at me and wonder where Paul Newman went?” Every time he hugged me, he’d say, “I don’t want to squeeze (hug) you too tight and pop your eyeball out and I really don’t want to clean that mess up!”

I wish they could resuscitate my hormones!!

There won't be a cleaning product tip at the end of this blog - because my NEW EYEBALLS ARE THE CLEANING TIP!!! I have a whole new perspective on dirt and grime with these new babies!!! I can spot dirt, stains, lint, pet hair from a mile away!! I can't wait to clean!!!

I LOVE COFFEE!

If anyone would like to share their foible(s) or aging stories or conversations with your furry children - we could commiserate on our peculiarities and frustrations - with an open forum of like-minded challenged adults. No shameing on this blog!!

If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 43 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent. 

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Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!

Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite! 

Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your friends, family, superheroes and SM followers - that have any upcoming colonoscopy or cataract procedures!

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Colleen McIntosh