I Have a Fear of Doorknobs! Specifically, Bathroom Doorknobs!

Ostiumtractophobia!

Lowe's doorknob department frightens me!

I have a fear of doorknobs – but specifically bathroom doorknobs! Go figure! My “weird” just gets better with age!

I’ve noticed over the years that I exhibited an ever-evolving issue with bathroom doorknobs, and it’s gotten worse as I age out of sanity. Fear of doorknobs might be a tad mis-leading, but I’ve become knob/handle challenged and hope I’m not alone in this non-medical psychosis. 

Practicing is a key element in my self-imposed therapy.

There is no support group for this abnormal malfunction of reason. DA (Doorknobs Anonymous) would have a meeting of One – myself. I would have to come up with at least a 2-step program of admitting I was powerless over bathroom doorknobs and making amends to the people I have accidentally walked in on. I'd also have to supply the coffee and donuts every meeting.

I'm handling the discomfiting situation with grace and bravery!

I’ve already blogged about my OCD cleaning/interior design issues – but I'm finally admitting to a new quirk – doorknobs! I’m not a germaphobe or claustrophobic or any of these recognized mental maladies – but I get nervous just the same. My first time at a restaurant – creates a twinge of anxiety when I know I’ll go to the bathroom at least once - prior to departing. I must use the bathroom at restaurants. It is vitally important to do so for the following reasons:

A. I want to make sure they are clean and tidy because that connotes the kitchen is also clean and tidy. This is a busy room at any restaurant and should reflect the same care and attention to detail as the rest of the public facility.

B. My aged bladder has less (taut) control than it used to have when youthful. I don’t require piddle pads (poise pads) or adult diapers - yet - but always wear a “secure panty liner” for accidental drippage (not period bleeding). Ed calls them giggle pads and he’s not far off with that insult. 

Additional therapy is learning to feel comfortable in public restrooms!

I’ve realized that my concerns are not what’s inside that bathroom, but who is in that bathroom. Let me explain – my discerning fear is determining whether that bathroom is occupied or not! I diligently lock that bathroom door when I’m the occupant but never assume other people care as much. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way! There are some things you never want to witness!! Fat billy goats from behind come to mind! Unisex bathrooms are more popular now and some men are less fastidious about locking doors!

I was shocked to see that I might have to face a key code pad, as well as, a door handle and panic set in!!

Whether it’s a doorknob or handle or other challenging design of someone’s sick sense of humor – I am apprehensive when approaching a bathroom entrance/door. It’s usually in the form of a public restroom – not in a private residence (unless they have a bidet). It’s often less complicated in a larger business with more customers (ex. – Target). Those bathrooms need child (and Senior) proof accuracy.

Ed installed a caution sign for our bathroom.

Example of the fancy restaurant door handle from HELL!!

I’ll give you an example of my most recent doorknob dilemma. The Duchess – a brand-new, super hip restaurant – upped the stakes on a sophisticated and puzzling bathroom door-opening apparatus! This bespoke Asian Fusion small plates restaurant was exquisitely curated for high end cool! Nothing was overlooked – entrance, floor to ceiling, waitstaff, tables, tableware, lighting, wall art and food. The General Manager even introduced herself and personally welcomed us. In my previous job, part of my talents involved sourcing and shopping all tabletop props for food photography (advertising) and art directing every setup. As a result, I know quality and class when I see it. We were very impressed. Also, the food was fantastic. Every bite a delicious marvel. We can’t wait to go back. However, as our plates were removed, and we declined dessert, too full of umami tastiness – I told Ed I was going to the lady’s room before we departed for home. I made a joke as I rose, “I hope I have no problem opening the door! Wish me luck!!” He wryly looked up at me, probably thinking, “What are you? Two?”

The unisex bathroom was right around the corner and as I warily approached the door, I noticed that it was an odd choice for a bathroom doorknob - better suited for a castle or dungeon. I stared at the round, metal ring, pull handle nervously. I looked for instructions – but saw none. I was on my own. I thought, “Oh, I just pull this lever. No problem!” I pulled and the door remained firmly closed. So, I made the assumption that it was occupied and stuck my head around the corner to keep Ed informed. I waited and waited. I carefully pulled again and waited some more. After about 10 minutes (eons in bathroom time), I slunk around the corner and whispered to Ed, “I need help! I don’t think anyone is in there. Come check this f**king door!” I sat down and he impatiently popped up and immediately returned snippily to say, “You have to turn it!!!” I think the word Stupid was implied. I grumpily asked myself, “Why would you have a large round metal ring if you needed to turn it? It’s a little awkward to do so! It makes no sense to me except to look esthetically unique and mess with my head!” I got up again and realized how this must look to all the other patrons – two adults checking the empty bathroom and doorknob multiple times – bemused and perplexed – wondering if we were alien to this world! Maybe they thought we were doorknob inspectors? Let’s hope!! 

When I finally managed to open the door, I quickly turned to lock it and hovered over the doorknob with shock. There was no obvious lock!!! I almost cried. I took a deep breath and went back to dissecting the handle hardware and discovered a tiny pin (little nail) fixture that I pressed and hoped was the f**king lock!!! With no chair to wedge under the doorknob, I quickly peed and then spent time admiring the tastefully, impeccable restaurant bathroom – OCD content with their spotless service. Still pissed, but empty of piss, I reluctantly went back to our table. I quietly told Ed about the eccentric lock and said, “Why do I have such a problem with public bathrooms? What’s wrong with me?” He carefully reflected a moment and said, “You’re too timid. You’re afraid of walking in on someone and you shouldn’t be. If they are too careless to not lock the door – that’s their problem not yours. Also, don’t be afraid to knock loudly! They’ll answer you.” I stewed a bit because he was right but didn’t want to admit it or think of myself as timid. Denial is not a river in Egypt! I petulantly replied, “I don’t think of myself as timid, but polite! I don’t want to walk in on someone or be walked in on.” This was a losing battle, and we let it go. But I immediately decided my next blog was going to be about this “rare and undiagnosed” phobia. 

I'd had enough for one day in Lowe's and ran away to the cleaning product aisle for comfort!!

This phenomenon has occurred in countless restaurant bathrooms – intimate and large – for various reasons. It’s transpired in movie theatres, stores, airports, etc. I’m also aware that as toilet technology advances – updates will be made to improve customer satisfaction – but often comes with no manual or instructions for the mentally challenged patrons. 

It looks straight forward until it isn't!

Another example was when Barnes and Noble reopened after a 2-year renovation which included a multi-private stall restroom facility. The new B&N stores have allowed more privacy when eliminating all your Starbucks beverages and snacks! They have Vacant or Occupied windows on the front which clearly indicates which doorknob to turn without incident. But, it only works if the occupant locked the door! Their fury was unreasonable due to the unlocked bathroom door. My shock was appropriate and quickly prompted me to slam the door responding, "Sorry!! I didn't see anything!" Actually, I saw too much!!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve entered a public restroom with no issues, but once in there waited for 15 minutes for someone to exit their toilet stall – only to find out they were all empty. When I pull the door handle(s) – it remains tightly sealed. Maybe I am too timid – but I feel there is a deeper conspiracy going on in these public toilets. I often look for hidden cameras. Assuming someone in a back room is laughing their ass off! I know this because, when someone else enters – they walk up to the stall I just tested and easily open it and go in – while giving me a curious stare. I then wait for them to leave so I can use their stall. Ed always wonders why it takes me so long to pee! BTW - as I took a picture of the front of this door in B&N - I turned to exit and noticed 3 people staring at me with puzzled looks on their faces - asking themselves, "Why is that strange old woman taking a picture of the bathroom door?" I ignored them and pretended I was answering important texts while I fast-walked to find Ed!

To vanquish my fear of bathroom doorknobs - I should fight my timidity and phobic predilections and just charge in - purse held high - howling a banshee battlecry of, "I will not be defeated by a doorknob. You'll never take my freedom to pee with dignity! I'm comin' in and no one can stop me!!" Barging into the first bathroom I see, consequences be damned!!

More therapy at the doctor's office!

Trough basin to confound seniors!

This bathroom doorknob conundrum extends to the invention of sensor water taps, soap dispensers and paper towel/germ free touch-less dispensers/hand dryers. I believe Covid was integral to these updated untouchable public sink innovations. I say this because the modern restroom facilities have gotten cruel in their renovations. I have humiliated myself on many occasions when trying to figure out these sensory wonders of modern gadgetry. A food market we frequent updated their public bathrooms during Covid. It is a beautiful hi-tech sandstone trough with about three sci-fi spigots and a couple magical invisible soap dispensers. You can watch yourself in the large mirror for fun while you closely peer at these mysterious tech wonders and frenetically wave under/over/sideways/high/low to generate a dollop of soap. Assuming you manage to get some in your twenty attempts – then you must go through all the flailing’s to wash the soap off! It’s understandable if the hidden soap dispenser is empty – but embarrassing when you can’t even trigger the water to flow. I’ve had many younger people watch me contort myself to the point of exhaustion prior to their taking pity and demonstrating with a flick of their wrist while a trickle of water appears out of this magical mystery spout from HELL! I hope these children are taking notes for future reference!

I’ve also been in some newly updated airport restrooms with equally disturbing features but I’m often not alone in my confusion. I’ve had a lot of laughs in these restrooms - as myself and another older woman next to me attempts to violently wave at these instruments of humiliation. We laugh so hard that others nearby join in on the hilarity while turning the situation into a 5-minute Bitch-fest about getting older. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry – so make new friends and have a good chuckle before you board the cattle car that hurtles you through the atmosphere to your destination (or doom).

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs about my EMP superpowers with technology – whether it’s computers, websites, public restrooms or bathroom doorknobs. I’ve learned to turn it into a free comedy routine. At least I make people laugh. I'm still waiting for the government to discover my unique abilities and recruit me as a weapon!

This one was just for fun!

In my research about this phobic phenomenon – I’ve found a really long word that explains my condition – Ostiumtractophobia: refers to the fear of doorknobs. A phobia where someone experiences intense anxiety or fear when they approach, touch or turn a doorknob (or can’t figure out how to turn the doorknob)! “Ostium” refers to an opening or doorway, and “tracto” refers to pulling or grasping – fear of pulling on a ridiculously designed doorknob. Symptoms can be panic attacks, sweating, rapid heartbeat and extreme discomfort when they need to open that bathroom door! I can’t recall a traumatic experience that triggered this phobia – but all it took was one time struggling at a public lavatory door to cement the psychosis. Ed tells me (often) that I can practice on his knob, anytime! (sigh)

It is not a “real” medical diagnosis but a recognized fear for a select few! I feel so special!

I’ve decided that I will overcome this cursed (pathetic) fear of bathroom doorknobs, handles, latches, locks, levers, faucets, soap and paper towel dispensers – and be smarter than the inanimate objects! It might take a while breaking the code of each facility – but I’m retired and have plenty of time. Like the movies “Groundhog Day” or “Edge of Tomorrow” – I will repeat, learn and conquer every bathroom doorknob I encounter – or pee my pants (tights) trying!!!

I mastered this handle and Ed bought me an ice cream!!

Maybe if I meditate on my outré abnormality, I can learn to love those doorknobs or befriend them to ease my concerns – a therapeutic solution. Another effective method of therapy could be researching doorknobs, bathrooms and their functions – which would make them less confrontational in my demented paranoia. Or I could wear a permanent name label that clearly identifies my anxiety (condition) to alert others: “Hi, my name is Colleen. I am doorknob disabled and need assistance when approaching a bathroom door! Call this number for a psychotic emergency – 443-###-#### - my caretaker, Ed, will intervene! Thank you!”

Nervously waiting for approval - my doorknob coach, Ed, gave me a thumb's up!

There are other concerns in these public humiliation water closets that have been discussed with many of my female compatriots. Beyond fear of doorknobs and locks that aren’t idiot proofed or walking in on someone - below are more restroom grievances to ponder or add to:

1. Cleanliness - If I’m eating or buying from your establishment/store and you offer restroom facilities – then I expect it to be relatively clean. If it looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since conception – then I will leave and never come back. My bathroom is clean at all times in case someone visits (rarely) or I drop dead (let's hope not) in my bathroom which is where the EMT’s will bag up my body. Even dead I want a good review!!

2. Door locks that work – If you have no choice in the lavatory stall that you inhabit in a public facility – then make sure the doors lock from the inside! It’s difficult wedging your foot against the door while doing Number 1 and worse, while doing Number 2. Most women are NOT as timid as me and have no qualms about barging in!

3. Refill the toilet paper roll or stock extra nearby – There is nothing worse than rushing into a stall with a life and death intestinal crisis to find out halfway through your traumatic plight you have no toilet paper!!! I guarantee the previous occupant DID NOT inform the custodians of their using up the last square. We’ve all seen that “Seinfeld” episode where Elaine asks, “Can you spare a square?” - while the rude woman in the next stall refuses with, "I don't have a square to spare!" That is why I always carry an inordinate amount of tissues in my purse and pockets. Be kind and report the missing toilet paper!

4. Sitting down on someone else’s “Pee” – It's bad enough when people don't flush afterwards, but the ones that won't sit on the toilet are equally offensive!! I admit that some women (not me) are f**king pigs in public bathrooms. It’s just like people who throw their trash on the ground without any thought about the consequences. Women who have decided that sitting on a public toilet seat is disgusting – are the ones contributing to the disgusting toilet seat by pissing all over it – not the other way around. This is an American phenomenon. They also NEVER clean up their disgusting mess. Every toilet should have a sensor that detects pee on the seat and invoke a “fine/fee” for those offenders before they can exit the stall! Or, just dump a pail of pee over their heads when they dribble on the seat and maybe they won’t do it again? I try to check before I sit down – but not always successful. I just sit their cursing the previous user along with their parents, partner, children and extended family. I like the bathrooms that put up funny signs to remind these insensitive people – “Don’t Sprinkle When You Tinkle!” I’m disgusted and appalled at some women’s inconsideration and laziness. I expect more from my female compatriots! Take a moment and visualize an out of shape woman hovering awkwardly over a toilet for an extended period, bundling all their clothes in one hand, holding onto the toilet stall wall while their legs shake with lack of exercise, then try to reach down underneath the TP dispenser for said TP - while pee drips down their legs and onto the toilet seat!!! Yes, this is a HUGE Pee Peeve!! If we all sat down - this wouldn't be an issue!

5. Toilet backsplash – Thanks to a 19th century inventor, Thomas Crapper (I can't stop laughing!), who invented the Ballcock (I'm laughing harder), we have flushing toilets. Ed and I watched a YouTube video on these wonders of lavatory innovations. Most public toilets are hooked up (bigger Ballcocks?) to ensure that they can handle any load deposited – which results in a powerful backsplash when flushed. I learned way too much about where that backsplash goes and how far the spray disperses in the tiny cublicle. You would never flush a toilet again or touch any of the walls, toilet paper, toilet flusher handle, etc. Also, the self-flushing toilets don't care if you are standing or still sitting. A fart could set it off! If I wanted a bidet I would have requested one!

6. Getting sick in a public facility – I try my best not to do number 2 in a public restroom. I’m not always able to control the situation – but have a 90% success rate. I can recall 2 times that I was ill and had no choice – that resulted in a public spectacle that would haunt me forever. One time was going to an expensive restaurant prior to attending a show at the theatre. Halfway through our meal, I realized I wasn’t feeling good. Most nice restaurants have either a small two-seater ladies’ room or two separate unisex bathrooms. This restaurant had the former and I loudly occupied one of the two stalls. I had that whole bathroom for about a half hour! I never returned to this restaurant.

The second time this happened was worse. We drove down to visit my in-laws and were treated to a fancy Indian restaurant. Somehow, I managed to catch a virus that reared its ugly head during our meal. Sitting across from my father-in-law, I broke out into a full body sweat and started shaking and almost blacking out. Cursing myself for wearing heels, I stumbled to the bathroom in full delirious panic. I don’t remember getting there and vaguely recall the explosion that ensued, but I had brave people asking me if I was okay or needed an ambulance! I couldn’t stop shaking and was sick from both ends. Oddly, none of my table partners came to look for me or check on me. Eventually, I shuddered my way back to the table and luckily the meal was over, and all packed up in (gag) doggie bags. As Ed and I walked to the car I told him how sick I was and needed to go back to their place ASAP! My in-laws were clueless to my distress – and I was grateful for their ignorance. As we started the drive home, my mother-in-law says, “There’s a great ice cream place on our way back. Do you want to stop for ice cream!” I almost puked! Ed quickly piped up that we were full and gripped my sweaty hand. I spent that whole night in the bathroom and into the next day. I finally confessed about my illness and spent 2 more days sleeping with regular visits to that same bathroom. I insisted they go have fun. We had to cut our visit short to get me home. My in-laws offered to fly me back but being confined in a metal tube, packed with total strangers, with tiny public bathroom coffins made me panic. My mother-in-law gave me a pillow, warm blanket and plenty of fluids for the 2-day trip. I slept most of the way because I had nothing left to dispose of and was feeling a little better by the time we got home. I’m very sympathetic when someone is having a similar issue and usually offer assistance. We all have accidents or get sick while out in public – so being kind makes it bearable!

7. Meeting scary women in public restrooms – I have probably blogged about this already – but will add this appropriate cautionary bathroom tale. Careful who you talk to in the ladies’ room – it might sting!

Some time ago, we had a large family gathering in a DC restaurant and eating way too much mediterranean food. Of course, I had to go to the bathroom and make sure it was clean, well-attended and to pee. When I went to the ladies loo to wash my hands, there was another woman at the next sink. I was feeling very happy and content. Smiling, while rubbing my belly, I said, “What a good restaurant. I am soooooooo full!” Wiping her hands, the other woman slowly looked at me, without smiling and quietly said, “Are you….” (emphasis on the “Are”). I was speechless and wasn’t sure how to react to this intimidating female. Those two words became a complicated puzzle to solve. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry – so I mumbled some nonsense, quickly tossed my hand towel, head down and with flaming cheeks ran out of the room. I was confused and pondering why I felt embarrassed, hurt and frantically asking myself, “What did I do to piss off this stranger?” When I got back to our table of laughing and sated family, I sat down between my husband and niece. I leaned over to Dani and told her what just happened in the bathroom. She was shocked but burst out laughing so loud that she insisted I tell everyone at the table. I’m good at mimicking people – so I acted out the thread of exchange in the bathroom and had everyone roaring. Those two words, “Are you….” have become a family joke now. You can take someone down with just two words if said in that quiet, sarcastic, dead-eyed, passive aggressive tone. It can be any two words depending on the topic, but it makes us laugh out loud every time. So, thank you angry terrifying lady, wherever you are!!!!

8. Public toilet phone conversations – I know that a lot of people talk on their cell phones while sitting on a toilet – but I will never understand why they think this is acceptable to the person they are talking to or the people in the other stalls. Have a little dignity with that toilet etiquette!!

Below is an excerpt from my Blog – “Whatever happened to Basic Etiquette? Universal Pet (human) Peeves!!”

“The worst is talking on cell phones while sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom. This is going too far!!! I remember one time in Bed, Bath and Beyond – I needed to use their facilities. I was in a bathroom stall with another woman next door. We were initially silently doing our business when she asks me a question. I jolted awake and thought she was asking for toilet paper. I said, “Oh! Do you need TP?” There was a pause, and she kept talking but I was not quite following this strange line of conversation that went on for a bit but made no sense. I asked her again if she needed anything. Another pause and I hear her whispering, “Some lady in the next stall is asking me questions and creeping me out! She should mind her own business! What is wrong with people these days!!” My immediate thought was – is she doing number 1 or 2 while talking to her friend, family, co-worker, boss? I now realized that she was talking on her phone while sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom. An easy solution to this gross and unhygienic issue is to ignore the crazy woman in the next stall who thinks talking on her phone while pooping is normal!”

9. My Furballs insist on accompanying me to the toilet – My pets have always enjoyed hanging out with me in the bathroom. It’s a bit distracting but makes me feel loved! I draw the line when I need to go Number 2!! Below is an excerpt from my Blog – “My Furry Children – Part 2 – Furballs are Forever!”

“I spend way too much time alone and so I am prone to announcing my every movement – often to the pets (and my vacuum). When I say, “I’ve got to pee!” Without fail, my dog(s) and cat(s) hear, “Family confab!! Assume your positions!” They realize that I am unable to move from my throne (toilet seat) for a few minutes – which is plenty of time for me to pet them and sometimes throw a ball. “Waste” not, want not! If I need alone time in the bathroom – I create a diversion, run in a zig zag pattern to disorient them, a quick drop and roll and slam the door without catching any little paws in the process. This really pisses off my cat, Rey. 

My cat, Rey, is like a fart - silent but deadly!!

She thinks she is invisible when she turns her back on me!!

This is what they do when Ed is taking a bath. Rey is planning his demise and Tater is reluctantly going along because he is scared of Rey.

10. Toilet paper - Last but not least - Always check your shoes prior to exiting the bathroom. Trailing a long white chain of TP squares from the sole of your shoe is embarrassing no matter where you are or who you are.

I hope you enjoyed my recent diagnosis. My next blog will be - Fear of Parking Garages!!

My husband said that life with me is challenging but never dull!

I'm very comfortable in my own bathroom. I often sit in there and read my book! Sometimes with sunglasses. Don't ask!

If anyone would like to share their foible(s) - we could commiserate on our peculiarities - with an open forum of like-minded challenged adults. No shameing on this blog!!

If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 38 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent. 

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Colleen McIntosh