Whatever happened to Basic Etiquette? Universal Pet (human) Peeves!!

My Mom - Mrs. Maine 1966 - Epitome of Etiquette!!

Etiquette (noun): The conduct of procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life (Merriam Webster) 

In layman terms – Be polite and respectful to others without discrimination! 

Whether you deport yourself with an attitude of consideration for others or you could give a flying rats buttock about anyone but yourself – there are certain guidelines for common courtesy that we, as humans, should all live by. 

"When a society abandons its ideals just because most people can't live up to them, behavior gets very ugly indeed." Judith Martin Quote (aka - Miss Manners)

I'm no "Miss Manners" but we were raised with basic rules of convention. Growing up – our unwritten but binding contract - was to act like humans not beasts. Being polite to your elders was imperative to living beyond the age of 5! You toyed with that spanking stick (notched, scarred and ancient object of buttock pain - dwelling on the wall that led down to the scary cellar) if you were rude or sassy to people of a certain age – adults! Children have a lot of energy and quite often forget the rules of engagement and unknowingly push parents beyond the brink of etiquette. My mom was more forgiving, but you never tested my father’s patience (etiquette boundaries).

Grammy Doris was kindness supreme and the Grampy Whisperer! He smiled for her!

My mother grew up in Northern Maine and basically was schooled in a potato field during her formative years - but somehow managed to learn all the rules of etiquette and grace. She was taught by her mother (the sweetest, most polite and kindest human ever to be born in this world) and then passed down those rules of etiquette to her children. She would not have been "Mrs. Maine 1966" without Grammy Doris's guidance!! The vital Golden Rule message being – Treat others like you wish to be treated! It’s not rocket science to understand that if we all treat people with civility, respect and kindness then more than likely it will be paid forward to you and others. As children (and adults) we were expected to say, “Please” and “May I” and “Thank you” and “Pardon me” and most importantly, “Sorry and Forgive me.” Not difficult words and phrases to remember and practice. “Pretty Please” was the final emphasis to coerce that adult into caving to your demands with polite encouragement. I taught all my dogs to acknowledge my intent when I say, “Pardon Me!” They move out of my way when those words are uttered! If a dog can learn it – then I expect every man, woman and child to have the mental capacity to comprehend it’s meaning. When I say that to Ed, it has a threatening question mark afterwards – but it’s still considered polite! But this blog is not about dogs or children or Ed. This blog is about people who should know better – and are of an age that should practice basic civilities! 

For example - both my husband and I have spent time in Asia. The laws of “Personal Space” are contrary to what we Americans consider spatially customary and proper. Queuing up for a line at the airport, grocery store or wherever - are diametrical to USA standards - one person in front of another in one long line. It’s every man/woman for him/herself rule in Asia. The reality is that the ratio of people to space is vastly different in Asia versus the US. It is not considered rude to shove in front of someone while approaching your destination. For example: when I was in Tokyo, I rode the train a couple times, and they had employees standing outside each door to assist - “stuff” - as many people as possible inside that train car – compacting to maximize space. Japanese are the epitome of politeness but could care less if they are squeezed into a tin can without any room to breathe. It made all of us (Americans) very uncomfortable because “personal space” is our god given right! My Japanese friends laughed at my concerns. 

BTW - Everytime Ed and I travel abroad - we are often told that Americans are rude! The disdain for Americans is disheartening but we never argue with the truth. All we can do is prove their statement is wrong by being civil, respectful and kind. We have met and made friends abroad that are always pleasantly surprised at liking us. It is always easier to be kind than angry!

Everyone deserves respect and common courtesy. But I’m realizing as I’ve aged that there is a large consortium of slow, simple, ignorant, primitive, inconsiderate, unaware, uneducated, surly folks that live among us. This cult of Neanderthals never exceeded beyond grunts – which explains why they never say, “Pardon me.” There is no one to blame except the adult who pushes you out of the way to cut in line. There comes a point in our lives that we must stop blaming our parents for all our inappropriate behavior. But that’s not to say that parents aren’t expected to teach their children basic etiquette and practice (enforce) it!

Basic etiquette is often associated with everyday interractions with total strangers - but should also extend to family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances. A lot of people (you know who you are) project an image of politieness, civility and a facade of kindness in public - however, they don't extend that same courtesy to those closest to them - mother, sister, wife, children (yes, I meant to feminize this statement). These etiquette hypocrites decieve public opinion. They perform false formalities to the outside world but show their true character with loved ones - who apparently are not loved or liked as much as we (and others) think. This sad and heinous reality is the biggest etiquette "faux pas" and unforgiveable unless rectified. A self-quote that I say often is: "Just because you're educated doesn't mean you're smart." For this blogs purposes, I'm going to add an addendum to my wise saying, "Just because you're educated doesn't mean you're smart or nice!" Selective kindness is clearly NOT kindness!

Colleen Avatar demands Respect!!

I’ve ranted and raved in my other blogs (for example: Menopause – The Silent Plague!) but the reason why I am doing this etiquette-blog-rant is to recount my trip to Pet Smart a few days ago which motivated me to point out some universal pet (human) peeves. All was going fine until I was at check-out. The woman behind me in line was on her cell phone/earpiece, speaking and sharing her conversation loudly. As I was entering my phone number and prepping to pay – I noticed that she was getting closer and closer to my physical body. I moved a step away from her and swung the credit card machine out of her sight range and was just about to enter my pin when she continued her walk-about to moving behind me and almost doing a full body backrub. I stopped and had a debate in my head whether I should calmly tell her to get the f**k away from me or quickly bend over while my rearend knocks her out of my personal space. I chose not to bend over because I was afraid I'd whack my head against the credit card machine - going down and then going back up! I didn’t want to cause a scene (or head injury) – but I was extremely uncomfortable. I remained still and did not pay until she moved away and a safe distance for me to continue. She gradually wandered back to my side but still too close for comfort. I don’t know when she ended her phone call (or if she was just having a conversation between her split personalities), but all of a sudden, she started talking to the salesclerk angling towards me again. In the meantime, I glanced at the salesclerk for assistance but rather then aiding me in my discomfort she encouraged this spatially inept woman by chatting with this invasive species, like this was normal. I could have politely asked her to move back - but I've witnessed some ferocious arguments in Pet Smart so I remained silent and observant. While they were both distracted, I quickly finished my pin. I was worried that this woman was a scammer and attempting to get my card info (because I’m old). I still feel nervous about it as I sit here typing. It was aberrant behavior and therefore suspicious. I waited for her to leave Pet Smart and noted what car she was driving. I fretted and fumed all the way home to tell Ed that we needed to keep an eye on our bank account and change our pins! This behavior happens all the time - Giant, Super fresh, Target, etc. Only once has a salesclerk chastised a shopper and made them move back in line and away from me while checking out. Obviously, that salesclerk was brought up properly. I'm not a snob or prissy - but common courtesy is not too much to ask for - and something I give to others.

I call these people the “Oblivious Generation of Entitlement.” This covers all human beings who fall under the categories listed above and below – age or gender does not play a role – but blind, unaware discourteousness does!

So, let’s list out some of the universal pet (human) peeves that a lot of us have in common and possible solutions for how we can handle these impertinent, disrespectful, crude individuals without being arrested or punched:

1 - Talking on cell phones in public spaces: We have all talked on our phones in public. There is a difference between making or answering an important call versus using the cell phone as a means of killing time (while murdering everyone elses time). A lot of people feel that they must be on their phones 24/7. It’s an addiction. Should we pity them? No! I have never understood why they feel compelled to talk loudly and sometimes on speaker phone while sharing intimate and boring details of their entire existence. They feel entitled and are inconsiderate to everyone around them. They are blatantly rude to the salesclerk who’s trying to move the line along – while everyone waiting in line is either getting pissed off or too busy talking on their own phones! Stores have become a cacophony of people talking on their stupid cell phones while they shop. There is not one person I know that I MUST call while I’m shopping – unless it’s to ask Ed what kind of cereal he prefers – and then end the call when he answers my question.

This uncontrollable and inconsiderate dependence on cell phones also extends to eating at restaurants. It’s rare to see a table of diners (addicts) actually eating, making eye contact and talking these days. Ed and I have even counted how many are on their phones and it’s often the majority. It’s like four total strangers decided to share a table but are each dining alone – with their phones as their dinner companion. Why not just call it a “cell phone date” and admit you hate yourself and other people! We’ve been amazed at couples who never once look at each other but look longingly into their cell phones the entire meal. I’ve seen people busy doing selfies or pictures of their food while never interacting or eating. It’s like watching a train wreck but not caring because everyone is on their phone – even the conductor!

The worst is talking on cell phones while sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom. This is going too far!!! I remember one time in Bed, Bath and Beyond – I needed to use their facilities. I was in a bathroom stall with another woman next door. We were initially silently doing our business when she asks me a question. I jolted awake and thought she was asking for toilet paper. I said, “Oh! Do you need TP?” There was a pause, and she kept talking but I was not quite following this strange line of conversation that went on for a bit but made no sense. I asked her again if she needed anything. Another pause and I hear her whispering, “Some lady in the next stall is asking me questions and creeping me out! She should mind her own business! What is wrong with people these days!!” My immediate thought was – is she doing number 1 or 2 while talking to her friend, family, co-worker, boss? I now realized that she was talking on her phone while sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom. An easy solution to this gross and unhygienic issue is to ignore the crazy woman in the next stall who thinks talking on her phone while pooping is normal! 

Solution: Ed and I have a rule that cell phones remain in the sleep mode until we are exiting the restaurant. It’s not perfect and we slip every now and then – but we share a meal and enjoy our time together – assuming Ed hasn’t said something to piss me off. Remember this - Cell phones need a little naptime too!

Fun Solution: a. When at a store, if someone is rudely talking on their phone behind you, just yell, “Ring..Ring..Ring..” and put your hand up to your ear (with extended index and pinkie finger as the "invisible phone”) and loudly saying, “Hi MOM!! It’s been ages since we last talked. Let’s catch up! (silence) “No worries - I’m just in line and have gobs of time to chat!!” That should shock them enough to hang up their stupid cell phone (idiot box), because we all know it takes at least an hour to catch up with your Mom!!!

b. If you are at a restaurant and can’t stand the 4-top of cellphone-zombies next to you - grab a few menus and pretend you are the manager while asking the cellphone-diners if they’d prefer to sit at the bar since they are apparently uncomfortable sitting with strangers. If they are confused or affronted by your suggestion – then say, “Sorry, I assumed you were alone – do you want separate checks?” Just keep distracting them until you are called to another table – because as manager – you are very busy keeping order and making all diners happy!!

2 - Talking in Movie Theatres: The cell phone saga continues at movie theatres as well. We have all had “Those People” who have no compunction talking on their phones, playing games, checking their social media pages, texting, etc. - after the movie has begun. Of course, you know exactly who that person is because their phone screen is lit up like a BEACON in an otherwise pitch-dark theatre. Most of us want to see the movie, hear the movie and enjoy the movie. But there are ALWAYS bad eggs who ruin your movie-going experience and stink up the whole theatre. 

There is also the annoying lunatic who yells at the movie screen or loudly asks their neighbor many questions during the movie! I’m not sure if they understand that the movie is fiction, the actors cannot reply or hear them, that the movie is too complicated for their deficient brain cells or that they have Tourette’s syndrome? I could forgive them if they had Tourette’s. God, forbid you tell them, “Shhhhh…!” Be prepared for their very loud verbal attack on their god-given rights to talk or do anything they want during the movie, since they paid good money for that ticket! I speak from experience – because I was physically attacked after I told a young woman to please stop talking (many times). These people are unstable and have a cement chip on their soft sore shoulders! Pity them for their lack of common sense, etiquette and intelligence! Avoid them for their destructive ignorance!

Solution: Never return to that theatre – because the staff and management don’t care either. We tried. We have plenty of movie theatres in our area and have found two that have serious, intelligent and courteous movie-goers. If you have no other theatres to select from – then absolutely speak with the owner. Most would like a great movie experience for all their patrons – so they keep coming back. Getting rid of a minority of disruptive jerks – is just good business sense. Unfortunately, no one listens to the “turn your cell phones off and be courteous” message played prior to the movie starting! Maybe they should add some blood and gore to that pre-movie video so the offensive talker/texter pays attention - to drive their point home (and into the offender).

Fun Solution: Prior to the movie starting - loudly announce to your seat mate that you are so excited to see this movie since you’ve been given a day furlough from the mental institution on good behavior. Then say, “I hope nobody disrupts the movie because that’s what made me snap last time and put me in the loony bin!! I’d hate to put someone else in the hospital!” Then laugh maniacally! Have your partner calm you down by saying the “safe word.” Dramatically react, take a deep breath and relax. Then grab your popcorn and shove a big fistful into your mouth while grinning like a lunatic! I guarantee no one will sit behind you and push your seat, pull out their cell phone, whisper or breath. The element of surprise is that people avoid crazy!! Works every time!

3 - Driving or riding in a car: How many times have you seen a car either slow down for a period and then speed up for no reason, drift slowly into the next lane, run a red light, sit at a green light, drive on top of your back bumper, etc. You can pretty much guarantee that a cell phone is typically the issue. They are probably chatting, texting, snapping selfies, checking SM, recording their pod cast or YouTube post – or on special occasions - having that bowl of cereal while steering with their knee because they are late for work. Consideration and concern for their neighbor drivers does not enter their little pea brains. The fact that their actions may lead to an accident or death doesn’t seem to stop them from doing it every time they are in their vehicle. One huge concern I have are the people who are driving like the hounds of hell are nipping at their bumper are also on their cell phones while considering mass murder. Apparently, cars like people, need to ride your ass to feel content with their pathetic lives. Additional driving peeves are: coming to a full stop to turn right, not using blinkers, putting your blinker on AS you are turning (not before), distracted (see all of the above), running red lights, running red lights while pedestrians are crossing, changing lanes constantly in a wall of traffic, not in the lane they need to be in and dangerously cutting across three lanes of traffic to exit, not letting people merge from an exit ramp, driving down the shoulder to cut in further ahead because their time is more precious, back-seat driving (this is Ed’s gripe – but I have no idea what he is complaining about – I’m just being helpful!), etc. The biggest peeve and danger are the drivers who when beeped at because they were about to crash into you – start screaming out their window, cursing, flipping the proverbial bird and threatening to kill you – because you beeped at them, and they couldn’t possibly be at fault. No one seems capable of taking responsibility for their actions - especially when dangerous! These short-fused drivers are a menace to society and should never be allowed to renew their license without further instruction and therapy. 

No one seems to realize that we are all driving a potential weapon of mass destruction often at speeds of 60 and above. Apparently, rules do not apply to a third of the drivers on the roads. Defensive driving is not fun or funny!

Solution: You can either never drive again or talk to your Congresswomen to have updated driving instruction rules because of the increased danger of cell phone usage, stricter laws on what you can and can’t do while driving and actually follow through with enforcing these laws. Plus, stiffer fines and prison sentences for those not following the rules. Take more licenses away from repeat offenders! Rules should apply to all of us, not just the people who care. We have laws in place on cell phone and texting while driving in Maryland – but NO ONE obeys those laws and as a result there is a massive increase in accidents and insurance rates are ridiculous!

Fun Solution: Start a company that sells polite car horns. Here are some examples: “Do you need a hug?” “Thank you for letting me live?” “You are a little ray of sunshine!” “Are you having a seizure?” “Your mommy must be soooo proud!” “What is your zodiac sign?” “Please be kind to animals/children/old people!” etc. Or just get a giggle horn. It could distract them long enough for you to make a getaway. 

4 - More on public spaces: People who are not prepared when they reach the check-out or check-in - then take 10 minutes to end their phone call or get out their information needed to complete checking-in or completing their transaction at check-out. Drives me crazy! They are either busy talking on the phone or chatting with the salesclerk – while forgetting to pull out their wallet to pay. Women have black holes in their purses – so sometimes it can take a while to search the cosmos for that wallet! Oblivious people aren’t even aware of how irritating they really are. Next time you are tapping your foot behind a person yakking on their cell phone – listen to the often ridiculous and inane conversation that is so important that it adds an extra 15 minutes to your getting out of that f**king store. BTW - cursing is perfectly acceptable under these circumstances!!

There are also a lot of spatially challenged people who are unable to navigate a sidewalk or aisle properly. Like driving on a 2-lane road – there is room for a vehicle in each lane without running into each other (theoretically and hopefully). A lot of clueless people consider a sidewalk or store aisle as their own private One-Way Lane. They spread their body and cart across the aisle essentially acting as a barricade and gridlock all other carts. Or they place their cart in the middle of the aisle and wander off to find that toenail fungal cream – ignoring the 3-cart pileup right behind them. They treat the entire store as their oyster – only one occupant (faux pearl) allowed. They act as if all other shoppers are invisible and irrelevant. It’s worse if they are with a friend – occupying more space and strength in numbers!! I remember a time when I was working downtown and had a huge, tiered metal cart loaded with heavy props and struggling to move up the sidewalk toward our building. A gaggle of young women were walking towards me and rather than stop/move over/or ask me if I needed help – they made me stop so they could saunter by en masse – as I struggled not to lose my load and my temper. It is disheartening to know that so many people do not take the time to SEE their surroundings or others and God forbid assist someone who is in need. We live in an anti-polite society. 

Whatever happened to basic Etiquette???

Talking on your cell phone while in the bathroom is rude!! Reading is polite!

Below is an excerpt from my blog – Our Bodies, Our Minds, Ourselves…Invisibility is my Super Power!!:

“Invisibility is my Superpower!!! In my later years, I’ve met people on the sidewalk that make me jump out of their way – as if I’m incorporeal. This happens more often as you age. For example: I was standing in line at a Macy’s (the slowest check out in the world!) and an older white man cuts in front of me. The female snails-clerk (yes, I meant to spell it that way) acted as if this is normal and waits on him. She completely ignored the fact that myself and the woman behind me had been standing there for 20 mins. So, I loudly said, “WOW! I’m Invisible!! Fantastic!!! I have a Super Power!!!!!" The rude guy turned and looked down his nose at me with mild disdain and probably wondered who was talking – because I’m invisible. The snails-clerk just sniffed in a huff because it made her feel important. The woman behind me burst out laughing – because she was also invisible but could see me! We laughed and talked about how discourteous people can be and how slow Macy’s checkout is. The moral of this story is that invisibility is stronger in numbers. 

I use the term "invisibility" because it not only alludes to being treated like you are, in reality, invisible, but also includes those who treat you like your whole existence can be disregarded because they deem you invisible. Taking away all your power and self-worth in a couple of words or actions. Well, I know what I’d do if I was invisible and these self-important, ignorant people would not be happy about it! “Pantsing” a narcissist is always funny! Invisibility can also be helpful in a Zombie Apocalypse!!”

Solution: Like the TSA security lines at the airport – people seem a little scared of TSA officials and obey their signs/rules and have their shoes off, ticket info and ID’s ready prior to putting all their crap on the belt for screening (and taking up 4 bins). Why not do that at the grocery, Target or drive thru ATM and have signs along the check-out lines reminding people to have their wallets out, cash or credit in hand and phones turned off – OR YOU WILL BE ARRESTED AND BANNED FROM SHOPPING AT THIS STORE (or flight). You need to idiot proof the queuing process because most have the attention span of a toothpick. 

Sumo suit will prevent mental and physical harm!

Fun Solution: Buy a blow-up Sumo wrestler suit and wear it while shopping or taking a stroll outside on the sidewalk. They blow up, take up room, protect you and others if you make contact or fall. You will never be INVISIBLE ever again! Unless they want to challenge you to a Sumo match - people will stay clear of you and never impede your shopping or stroll! Plus they are hilarious!

Sumo Ballerina suit is just plain funny!!!

Even funnier from behind!!

5 - Social gatherings: I find that any social gathering – whether it is family, friends or invited to a party with 90% strangers – most people have a limited set of questions to initiate a conversation. Family is less socially awkward because we grew up together – but some family members can be hurtful and afflicted with ass-pergers (yes, I meant to spell it that way). I remember a large gathering at my sister’s farmhouse one holiday. We were all sitting on her porch - yelling back and forth and having a great time. Next thing I know one of my Great Aunts, who was sitting on the opposite end of the porch from me, screeches a question my way. She has a piercing voice – so everybody heard it – despite the cacophony. “Colleen, why don’t you have children?” The porch got deathly quiet. My blood pressure shot up and I snapped back, “Because I can’t!!!” If I had the superpower of death rays for eyes – she would have been a puff of smoke while her rocking chair kept rocking from the blast! For someone who claims she is proper and polite – she tends to punch you in the kidney when she opens her yap. I love her but I often don’t like her.

First wedding photos - grandparents support needed that day!

One of my favorite stories is while living in Pennsylvania with my (gag) ex. Below is an excerpt from my blog – “Menopause – The Silent Plague! I Will Not be Silenced!!”

“The Silence Game – This is a very specific silencer. A story I need to tell you so you can play this game the next time you are at a party or event with a lot of boring, snobby strangers. I have discovered that most people have a very limited conversation-topic repertoire and very myopic attention-span. If you don’t play their game of elitism, then you are silenced as irrelevant. Without going into specific details about a specific group of people – I will broadly refer to them as the – Shallow Shadow People (SSP). Perfect example for my experiment – I went to a New Year’s Eve party with a large crowd of SSP’s. I knew some of them but had already dealt with their snobbery and myopic ability to converse, so I avoided them and focused on the total strangers. At this time in my life, I was always abandoned by my partner while in the company of others and left to fend for myself in this sea of banality. I felt uncomfortable and isolated in my less-than-perfect existence. In other words, I was never part of the “SSP Club.” I was allowed to be in their presence but not given the secret handshake. So, prior to the party, I compiled a list that would hopefully entertain me for the long and boring evening. My list was the following: Make up the

Dad's first tuxedo! He's so handsome!

wackiest, most bizarre, funniest career I could think of – by using the alphabet. For example: The letter A was Astrophysicist (hard for someone to ask you questions and not sound stupid). The letter B was Bowler (professional circuit and left them dumbfounded). The letter C was Cat Psychic (because it made me laugh). And so on. I covered the entire alphabet with a cheat sheet in my purse. I had a blast and was highly amused at myself. The reason why I made this list was because this “Secret Society of SSP’s” had a one-line conversation inquiry – “What do you do for a living?” That was it. This question immediately told them how much money you make and if your career was worthy of their attention and would sometimes lead them to question 2, “Where did you go to school?” If I told them my truth, that would quickly end our conversation, and my financial/educational importance would plummet into obscurity. Once the game was afoot, my response always evinced a hesitation and look of mild confusion prior to waking up and realizing what I had just said. Before they recovered from their befuddlement and asked me questions about my unusual career choice – I would say, “If you’d excuse me. I see my partner waving at me. Nice meeting you!” Then I’d skedaddle off into the crowd. I did this over and over going down the alphabet, drinking champagne and having the best time EVER!! Eventually, I got caught! It turns out that a couple had heard one or two of my bizarre job titles and thought it was a bit strange. So, they secretly followed me around for a while before approaching me. Once confronted, I found out that they thought I was hysterical and couldn’t wait to hear my next made-up occupation. They guessed why I was playing this game and wanted to see my list. They told me that I had made their day and made the party endurable. They thanked me profusely. They said that they were going to play this game at their next boring event. What did I take away from this snob-trial? That 2 out of 200 people are aware, engaging and not robots.”

I never made it to the letter “Z” which was Zebra Whisperer. 

Thank God for Dad's support and hand grip!! I was ready to blow!!

Little etiquette side story to go with this wedding photo - As my dad and sister were escorting me to the Chuppa - my soon-to-be sister-in-law walked by us as we were approaching the wedding guests. I said, "Martha, you're going the wrong way!" She snidely replied, "No I'm not!" My sister (Maid of Honor) immediately responded with, "Bitch!" Dad just gripped my hand harder and we kept walking. So this picture shows me with a plastered on smile and gritted teeth and dad's expression of disgust at my (ex) extended family.

Solution: You can either react with intellect and patience while interacting with mind-numbing unaware people or just don’t engage. You have every right to walk away when someone is being rude, arrogant, unrefined and disrespectful (like my in-lows/first marriage). Be very careful when selecting a partner! Check out the family before committing. Often, the cart doesn't fall far from the ill-bred horse!

Fun Solution: Follow my example and make the gathering an Alphabet Party Game or be the first to initiate conversation by saying something pithy like, “Did you know that Blue Whales’ penises are proportional to their enormous size and that they ejaculate about 5-6 gallons of semen? Crazy!!!" That will either stimulate an educational conversation on whales or prevent any etiquette issues from happening!

My favorite primate!!

6 - Being interrupted when talking or performing a task – Specifically Mansplaining - definition: to explain something to a woman in a condescending way that assumes she has no knowledge about the topic: I’ve covered this “topic” ad nauseam in my "How to Communicate with Your Primate" blogs (part 1 and 2) but I’ll try to condense for this blog’s purposes. Men have the capacity to know everything about everything. With all this genius – I expect cancer to be cured, climate change reversed and telephone/insurance bills simplified. Yes, I’m being sarcastic!

Mansplaining is a smug and demeaning habit – a disease that needs a cure before half the population gets snuffed out. The physical or mental “eyeroll” at your (my) stupidity makes my blood boil!

Ironically, as I’m writing this blog – Ed is telling me what and how to write this blog!!

I love my Primate!!

Below is an excerpt from my blog – “How to Communicate with Your Primate! Deciphering the Chatter!”

“How to Stop Your Primate from “Ape-splaining!” – This is an almost incurable disease and will be my hurdle to overcome for the rest of my life. You must remind yourself that they believe with every hair-follicle of their being, that they are the smartest primate in the room. Often, they are right – but not always. One of my favorite self-quotes is, “Just because you’re educated, doesn’t mean you’re smart!!” I came up with this nugget due to all the “Ape-splaining” I’ve had to endure for 65 years!!! If I’m wrong or need help with something – I am the first one to admit defeat. But male primates will never relinquish their smart status. It can be mind-bendingly irritating – but since creation – it is their nature. Women's burden to Bare!! BTW - If I want to bring my primate down a peg or two - I ask him how to spell a word. His eyes glaze over and he starts trying to spell it under his breath, sometimes using fingers like he's counting - only to admit he doesn't know how to spell "hirsute" and knuckles off to play with his tools. Small but gratifying victory. 

The best way to deal with this? Don’t argue with Captain Obvious. Don’t waste your energy because they refuse to lose this game of intellect. I recommend you let them primate-ificate until they run out of steam. Nod occasionally, but once again, don’t commit. Once they feel safe that you’re convinced of their “Superior Primate Brain Dominance” – you are free to do whatever you want – because they have short attention spans. If it’s a major decision that affects you both – do your homework and spreadsheet them to death. Excel is your strategic line of defense. Primates don’t know how to type.”

Solution: We can’t change them overnight or kill them – so let’s work on programing them. (see Fun Solution below)

Fun Solution: While they sleep whisper the following phrases into their ear:

“Wow (your name here), that’s a great idea!”

“I never thought of that! You’re so smart!”

“Can I help? No? That’s fine. I know you’ve got this!!”

“I’ll leave you alone so you can finish what you’re doing!”

“I’m so sorry for interrupting!”

“I couldn’t do this without you!”

Etc. 

Most marriages have a little "Tit for Testis" that goes on to keep marital combat at a happy equilibrium, but sometimes you have to hammer home your point. My response to mansplaining is, “If I needed your help or had a question – I WOULD ASK!!!”

Inappropriate phone and finger usage! Etiquette faux pas!

7 - Rambling stories and too much information: This was Ed’s pet peeve contribution to this blog – proclaimed after I’d told a story. Strange, because my peeve is being interrupted mid-way through my story and then being told to hurry up and get to the point!!! It’s either a win-win or a lose-lose depending on what side you are on!

Solution: There is none. Each of us has a distinct personality and we need to respect that. I ramble and Ed repeats. I can be more aware when talking and Ed can be more aware of remaining silent when I talk. I’ve remained silent when he tells me the same story 4 times – because I’m polite!!!

Fun Solution: I have none because this was Ed’s pet (human) peeve!! I will continue to ramble til my last breath!!

I never said I was perfect!!

So, it seems that CELL PHONES (and Social Media - my sister added this one) have drastically affected our everyday interactions and escalated socially unacceptable behavior. Oblivious, entitled, isolationist conduct is the new disease in our world. Cell phones have been included in almost every portion of this blog! I had no idea once I’d started writing how malignant cell phones are and how much they have affected our society and lack of decorum. They are the common denominator in socially inept generations of people, and it will only degrade further from here. I’m not saying that cell phones are the demise of society and a very convenient device – but it has mutated our culture into a lonely, isolated, impolite civilization (ironic this word includes “civil”). If someone is holding a cell phone – they forget how to say, “Excuse me or Thank you or Parden Me.” This is sad and terrifying.

Whatever happened to basic etiquette? Universal pet (human) peeves we all share will never change unless we change! We live in the age of the “Oblivious Generation of Entitlement” - so my ultimate solution is - Kill them with Kindness!

Favorite Maine lobster restaurant! No room for phones and properly bibbed for our 6 lb. lobsters!!

Positive etiquette example: Ed and I went to dinner at our favorite French restaurant for his birthday. Petit Louis is the epitome of polite! They all smile with sincerity and remember you and your date of birth/anniversary. They are gracious and go out of their way to make you feel warm and welcome. The staff is superb. They look in your eyes when they talk and cater to your every need. It’s a sublime dining experience. The patrons are all return customers, noticeably well off and maintain a veneer of etiquette in this establishment. It’s swanky but casual. No one was on their cell phones the entire time we were dining. Everyone was engaged in conversation with their table-mates. The Stepford Family atmosphere is initially a touch creepy, but we warm up quickly to this cultured environment and enjoyed eachother's company and our meal. Strangely, as I got up to go to their (spotless) bathroom - I walked slower, more gracefully and grew an inch taller. Dining with the rich can be a learning and invigorating experience for everyone. I highly recommend it because these people know how to spell etiquette!!

If everyone had a semblance of politeness when in public (or driving) – then our world would be a much sweeter and safer place to live in. 

If you are feeling invisible or irrelevant or just in a bad mood – take the time to show your appreciation when someone assists you or waits on you by stopping, putting down your cell phone, looking them in the eye and say, “Thank you so much! I appreciate it.”  You'll both feel much better for it!

I want to thank my mom, grandmother, sister, aunts, current mother-in-law and all the other women in my life that have taught me basic etiquette and grace. You are and will always be my Super Hero’s!

If you want even more info on menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 31 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years. My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent. 

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Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!

Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite! 

Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, crazed polite older women and followers.

Let’s be Friends!!

Colleen McIntosh