I should have written a Romance Novel! - Romantic Mind Porn!
- Colleen McIntosh
- Mar 6, 2024
- 14 min read
I’ve mentioned how I discovered reading books in my Hair Today Gone Tomorrow blog. My mother was an avid reader and wanted to instill that same passion in her children. I remember my mom testing different books/genres on me – encouraging me to read and escape life for a while (like she did). She hit the jackpot on “Romance Novels” of which she had plenty. I read a Rosemary Rogers (may she rest in peace) romance called “Sweet Savage Love” and was hooked!!! This book cover is pre-Fabio - the go-to half-naked male model for a ton of romance novels in the 90s. Flowers blossoming are also a go-to image representing a women's budding nether regions.
I can’t remember exactly how old I was but enough to be titillated by these tales of seduction (underdog beauty “hits” that jackpot hunk). I was like a dog with a boner! I spent an entire summer locked in my room reading a book a day until I was sated (in every sense of the word – if you catch my drift). From there I moved on to other genres and the rest is history. I’m a book addict!!! (BTW - I don't remember the first romance novel I read that began my imaginary trysts with this genre - but Sweet Savage Love is the one I clearly remember tickling my burgeoning libido!!)
I tried writing a romance novel a couple times. My heroine/protagonist always had short hair, somewhat attractive, cutting wit, spunky and an attitude. Unlike the romance novels I read as a child/teen/adult. Heroines of yore were slim but had ample breasts, long legs, curvy with athletic hips, derriere that caused brawls, crystalline green eyes, rose-petal lips, and long, thick, lustrous, wavy red hair. Oh, and they smelled and tasted delicious no matter what era! In other words – unrealistically gorgeous and super smart with a natural body odor of lavender! I never finished my romance novel and instead chose to write about my Menopausal Journey – not the exotic tale or locale I originally had in mind – but a journey, nonetheless. Instead of long lustrous red hair that flowed and seduced like it had a mind of its own – I wrote about a sexagenarian (ironically this means a woman in her sixties - and begins with "sex" - someone's cruel sense of humor created this word) with hair that is thinning, dry and dull of finish - a short mane of ash. Reality can be just as fascinating as fiction - right?
Maybe I should switch genre’s entirely and write a Murder Mystery! “Who Murdered My Youth?” Menopause did it!!! Short book!
I have my mom to thank for my love of words, writing and books. My sister recently reminded me that mom had spicier romance novels in her underwear drawer next to her bed - thinking we wouldn’t find them and trusting we wouldn’t look.
Dad had True Crime Detective magazines that were graphic, creepy and intense - hidden on his side of the bed. Dad’s mags had black and white photos of dead bodies – sometimes naked – with strategically placed black-out strips to hide their wobbly bits. This gave us quite an insight into each parents’ kinks – some very disturbing. With 5 kids in the household – I know at least 3 of us had no problem rifling around our parents’ private spaces. We intuitively knew that there was “gold in them thar bedside drawers!" We secretly read these kinky rags with a pit in our stomach and a sweaty grin on our face. We ignored the gun rack – but preferred the smut instead.
My book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All - and my 65-year-old carcass - are not topically worthy for a book signing, interview or a small space on a bookstore bookshelf. It’s not considered a “big seller” like the popular genres. Humor sections tend to be the smallest in any given bookstore. Maybe I should have finished my romance novel and children's book – two very popular categories and worthy opponents. Maybe I should have established myself in romance before unleashing my menopause book?? Maybe I should have been less naïve about the publishing industry and admit that the only people who care about menopause are older (invisible) women! Maybe there should be more humor in this world! Lots of “Maybe’s!” I understand why children’s books are popular – but unclear why romance novels are still so over-saturated a genre. I thought feminism would have eliminated these happily-ever-after books of mental masturbation. But romance novels have survived the test of time. Please don’t yell at me, romance lovers! I learned to worship books by reading romance novels and I read a ton of them. Romance is a much sought after delicacy when you have an empty hole to fill (sorry for the play on words) in your lives – me included. Unfortunately, my middle-child-syndrome romantic nature – set a high bar for every man (boy) I dated. No one could live up to my romance book hero image. We all deserve romance in our lives but shouldn’t have such high expectations. Men don’t read these novels so how are they to learn what we want and need! Men also want “Happy Endings” but theirs involve a somewhat questionable massage parlor!
I’m considering pulling out some of my old favorites to rekindle those illusory yearnings. I need to rejuvenate my cob-webbed desires for my husband and our marriage. I get too complacent and lose motivation in our bedroom gymnastics. Making an effort would show him I actually care. As I’ve aged – I think men are the romantics! During my 40’s – I lost my sexual urges – thank you menopause. Menopause retired my libido both physically and mentally. My loins no longer hungered for my husband's mighty shaft! Sorry - I had to inject a little romance-speak. I needed more hardcore bodice-ripping literature to stir my obsolete pubic region! I was a big fan of the author, Anne Rice. I ripped through “The Vampire Chronicles” and any other world she created with fervor. What woman can resist a sexy, enigmatic vampire – the original Bad Boy!! If only my husband could be turned!!
I later discovered that she writes under pseudonyms. A. N. Roquelaure was her erotic writer/personality. The “Sleeping Beauty Trilogy” was my personal (perverse) favorite. There are a lot of dog-eared pages in those books! I just discovered that she wrote a 4th book in the series called, “Beauty’s Kingdom.” I’ll need to add that to my steamy collection! These books have little resemblance with the Disney version. Hers are naughty princess books!!! I discovered a side of me that I didn’t know existed thanks to these well-written twisted books of romantic mind porn!
Jane Austen ignited the world in the late 1800’s but propelled to best seller status posthumously.
Her books are still in print worldwide and so popular they’ve done a ton of movies, BBC series and modern-day rip-offs on her genius for creating clever hot women. She was the first feminist in the writing community. All her protagonists were well-read and strong of character – controlled by others (men) who thought they knew better - but ultimately the women triumphed in the end.
To this day, millions of women’s hearts flutter when we read her novels. Thank you, Mr. Darcy! Her stories were pure romance with lots of witty banter and intrigue. Today’s society is not much different – with all the misconceptions of women and our status – being treated as the inferior race. Advancements in equality have been 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. We might have less constricting clothing and etiquette than Jane’s era – but we are still considered second class citizens and told what we can and cannot do with our bodies (by men). But I admire her commitment to changing the norms. One thing that has not changed is the romance textbook – a formula on how to write the perfect romance novel. The protagonist always dislikes the intended love interest and challenges him at every turn. Other forces encourage this animosity and thwart the union. Tragedy, conflict, excruciating torment and mayhem ensues only to bring the lovers crashing together – realizing that their disdain has morphed into love/lust – and on its final pages – becomes happily ever after!
Jane Austen novels have been the inspiration for many authors. I'm sure they influenced Julia Quinn and her “Bridgerton” books. Another series brought to life with a modern twist by Shondaland for Netflix. The most watched TV show during Covid!
Thank you Shonda for Regé-Jean Page! He was an enthusiastic lunch topic with the ladies at work (until a troll appeared to tear apart our moment of joy!). Sigh! Ugly primates are threatened by perfection!
The “Fifty Shades” series by E. L. James took this genre to a darker side of romance. It started a revolution that catapulted kinky as fashionable. We all have a secret sexual quirk!! I know a lot of women who drooled over these books. Too bad the movie didn’t live up to the novel standards!
Diana Gabaldon’s “Outlander Series" made romance novels legitimate. These historical time-traveling romance tomes were mega bestsellers and validated this genre. Once again, so popular they made it into a mega-hit TV series. Men in kilts are HOT!
Janet Evanovich and her “Stephanie Plum Series” was a pleasant surprise in romance. Her main character was a clumsy, feisty bounty hunter with normal looks and a messy love-life but with huge sexual appeal. Janet’s books were filled with great characters, hot sex scenes and laugh-out-loud funny. Always a good mystery to solve, fast-paced and witty as shit! This series has proven its strength at 31 books to date. Even my older cerebral brother was addicted to these novels.
This "Happy Ending" theme has remained the blueprint for these gems to date – whether it’s Rosemary Rogers, Anne Rice, A. N. Roquelaure, E. L. James, Diana Gabaldon, Julia Quinn, Janet Evonovich and other popular heart pounding novels – just with more bodily fluids!
Romance novels reflect real life as well. Remember when you were in elementary school and the irritating boy that sat behind you. The one that decided you were his daily target of abuse. The one who pulled your ponytail or blew spitballs at your head or made fun of you daily. The one you hated with a burning passion and swore an oath to get revenge. The same one, now in high school, who finally admitted he was smitten with you and had been since grade school. Finally confessing that his antics were gestures of adoration not derision. I considered dating him after he professed his unrequited passion for me – but like most women – couldn’t forget my vow of revenge and decided to spurn his advances one more time and squeeze his testicles into a vise of glee - thus ending the chapter that will never be. I guess romance novels are nothing like real life!!!
I’d like to point out the obvious for one minute. All these beautiful, sexy, intelligent protagonists – in these bodice/panty ripper books – will eventually go through "The Menopause." No one writes about women beyond a certain age group (18 - 25). Maybe I’ll write a romance novel called, “Sixty Shades of Silver!” Still smoking hot at 65 – with a Medicare card!!!
BTW – I found my old notebook with my first attempt at romance writing which was in my early 30’s. The opening line was, “I want a divorce!” To give you context – I was married to my first husband – ages 30-35. Prophetic!!
When I’m at Barnes & Noble – wandering through the maze of categories – I am astounded at how huge the romance section is – with large, curved bookshelves filled with lust – spilling over onto small tables to cover this prolific genre. When I was asked to categorize my book – everyone was a little confused as to what genre I fell under. It wasn’t self-help or autobiographical in the usual sense. So, I selected Humor.
The first time I looked for the B&N humor section – I had to ask someone for help. When they showed me - I asked them, “Is this a joke?” They didn’t laugh. It was all the way in the back in the Mish-Mosh section. Cramped and tiny in scope. It was laughable!!! I was not impressed – but couldn’t wait to see my book on this under-appreciated bookshelf. I’ve already mentioned the B&N betrayal – so I now avoid that section of the store. It is too painful. Especially because I would have been so close to David Sedaris (my hero). My favorite humorist! BTW - Humor is Sexy!!!
It’s been a long time since I’ve read romance. My interests segued into other genres – Horror, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Scandinavian Noir Crime, British Thrillers, Humor, etc. I am a fiction reader. I get enough reality splattered on my psyche all day – reading is my escape.
I particularly love book series – because once a character grabs your attention – you become an addict and need your fix every couple years!! Also, as you age and your memory evaporates - you have a ton of book series to read again!! Below are some of my all-time favorites:
Jason Pargin – currently reading through every book he's written – bat-shit crazy genre. Start with “John Dies at the End.” Rating: 5 star “Laugh out loud!” I love the way this man writes!!! Kindred spirit!
Mick Herron – also currently reading – British M15 - “Slough House” series. British thriller with cut-throat humor. Rating: 5 star “Thriller that makes me laugh out loud!” Also bat-shit crazy!
Jo Nesbo – Scandinavian Noir Crime Thrillers - “Harry Hole” series. Rating: 5 star “Bite your nails to the quick tension.”
Jussi Adler Olsen – Scandinavian Noir Crime Thrillers - “Department Q” series. Rating: 5 star “Bite your nails to the quick – and care too deeply for the series regulars.”
Stieg Larsson – Scandinavian Noir Crime Thrillers - “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” series. I give this an honorable mention since this was my first Scan Noir Crime author. Rating: 4 star “First book was fantastic – but the rest did not live up to its hype.”
Grady Hendrix – Horror - “HORRORSTÖR” was the first one I read – which takes place in an Ikea-style store. Rating: 5 star “Best original horror story.” All his horror stories are unique and with a sense of gory humor.
Max Brooks – Horror - “Zombie Survival Guide” – which is in our bathroom library. “World War Z” - I read this one after his survival guide. Ed and I are now prepped for the zombie apocalypse!! Rating: 5 star “Love me a good zombie story. Gory, scary and the fastest zombies ever!” Zombies seem like a credible threat in our current climes. BTW – who doesn’t love his parents – Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft! I’ve read a zillion zombie books but he deserves credit for best zombie characters.
Orson Scott Card – Sci-fi - “Ender’s Game” series. Fantastical Sci-fi. I consider Sci-fi a consequential genre – as these writers are forecasters of our future tech and demise! Rating: 5 star “I am in awe of the Sci-fi author and their imagination!”
Douglas Adams – Sci-fi - “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” series. He has a humorist’s twist on science fiction. Genius! Rating: 5 star “Laugh out loud! Bat-shit crazy adventures!” He’s so funny that he was invited to write skits for Monty Python!
Neil Gaiman – Fantasy - “Neverwhere.” First book that I read and then consumed every novel he wrote since then. Rating: 5 star “He transports me to other dimensions.” He has a dark side!
Joan D. Vinge – Fantasy - “The Snow Queen Cycle” series. Very vivid and intelligent fantasy. Love her writing style. Rating: 5 star “Visually stunning tales.”
George R. R. Martin – Fantasy - “The Game of Thrones” series. As yet unfinished. Rating: 5 star “Epic series of the twentieth century.” Rating: 2 star “Author gets 2 stars because he refuses to finish the f**king series!!!” He is a poor man’s Tolkien in my book. He allowed HBO to ruin the ending. He deserves 5 star but I’m waiting until he finishes GOT series!!! His avid fan base is losing patience!
J. R. R. Tolkien - Fantasy - “The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings” series. No one can match this series which revitalized the fantasy genre!! Rating: 5 star “The world was invested in this tale of the small but mighty Hobbits and their champions. I’ve re-read these books 3 times.” Tolkien was made of magic!
J. K. Rowling – Fantasy - “Harry Potter” series. My favorite children’s book series. I’m glad I read it as an adult. It would have given me nightmares as a child. Rating: 5 star “An industry of fantasy for every child – even the child at heart.” We want more!!!
As I look at my list of favorites – I’ve decided that I’m going to change my moniker to – C. L. McIntosh. Apparently using your initials helps make you a credible and famous author!
I hope you like my list of books – in all genre’s. There are so many other authors that I love and will ravenously read everything they’ve written. I couldn’t list everyone, or this blog would never end. Maybe I’ll do a Part 2! It’s always fun to hear what people are reading. My house has bookshelves in every room – even the laundry. My iPad is stuffed with eBooks. Literacy is vital to growth and opening yourself up to other worlds and universes – and should be available to everyone. Banning books is a crime against humanity and legally should be treated as such. Only cowards ban books.
Maybe I should have written a romance novel instead of my menopausal and aging journey. But, I feel that both genres - romance and humorous harsh reality - deserve our attention. They both serve a purpose and merit consideration in navigating the female psyche. We need support in our visions of a perfect relationship and easy transition into our change of life. Having dreams of any kind are vital to our existence. No one can banish our imaginations and dreams. Or if they try to - just kick them in the balls! I should write a romance novel for menopausal women! I think we'd all agree that being seen and heard is SEXY!!!!
BTW - I do have romance in my life. Ed and I always hold hands wherever we go. My neighbors - gal pals - all comment how sweet we look when walking the dog - old people holding hands. Little do they know - the main reason for Ed and I holding hands is to prevent me from doing a face plant again. I guess you could consider that as a romantic gesture - saving my dignity and my face.
I would love to hear what you are reading and your favorite books of all time. Discovering new authors is a treasure for the mind and soul.
A fantastic source to find your next favorite author is Good Reads. A site that champions authors and a platform to connect with your favorite ones. I’d love to answer any questions you might have on my Good Reads author page. Reviews are welcome! Check me out!
I wanted to update you on the progress of my recent cataract surgery. If you read my last blog – I shared all the details of pre/surgery/post up to the week following my second eye surgery. I improve daily and still amazed at how bright the world is and how vibrant the colors. I stared at our gas stove flame for 10 minutes this morning – the color was hypnotic! I wiggle like a child anticipating something special – when I read subtitles on the TV. Last night Ed said, “I’m so proud of you.” I responded like a baby who says their first word and beams at their parents’ reaction of wonderment.
I can’t let go of glasses and not sure I ever will. I’ve already picked out some frames at Warby Parker. I’ll use my new prescription to get fun readers or whatever my new eyes need. I must have something on my face – other than wrinkles and age spots. I’m not ready to plunge back into the world of make-up. BTW – like the Freshman 15 (weight gain) – I’m now suffering the Cataract 5. I was comfort snacking for 2 weeks while binging shows. At least I’ve been given the go-ahead to work out again.
OCD Cleaning Tip 8 - Butcher Block Conditioner -
Murphy Soap is a great daily cleaner for your butcher blocks and cutting boards – but Butcher Block Conditioner is the essential cleaner/oil/wax that protects and maintains all your wooden items. Apply and let soak for an hour or more to recondition your wood. You’ll be amazed at how it reveals its original beauty. Just like new! Maybe I'll slap some on my face for a couple hours to revitalize my time-worn mug and restore its previous youthful glow.
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I would love to get some reviews posted by the wonderful people who purchased or were gifted my book. If you could take a moment and post a review on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Good Reads, Bookbaby Bookshop &/or your social media platforms - I would be ever so humbled and grateful.
Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!
Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!
Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your friends, family and strangers!
Let’s be Friends!!
Colleen McIntosh
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