Senior Sex!
- Colleen McIntosh
- Apr 9
- 12 min read
Updated: Jul 2
The good, the bad and the bumping uglies of growing older!
Senior Sex and Spouses! What the hell happened to my voracious sex drive?
Before I begin my blog topic - I want to mention again - that I've done the Positive Pause Podcast with Claire Gill, Founder of the National Menopause Foundation. Claire is my Superhero! Please check out their website for a wealth of information on everything menopause, women, sex and growing older. I am eternally grateful for this opportunity to share my own personal journey on the Positive Pause Podcast (#32)!!
I will also be doing a book signing/selling on Saturday, May 3rd, 2025 - 11am to 3pm - for the Mother's Day Shoppers. Kacey Stafford, owner of Found Studio Shop, in Lauraville at 4315 Harford Road, Baltimore, MD 21214. Kacey is not only an artist but also a patron of the local artists/creatives. I'll be hawking my book upstairs to anyone who has a pulse. Perfect Mother's Day gift for anyone between the ages of 20 and 80. Lots of other fun demo's (Soapworks) and fantastic gifts to peruse. This neighborhood gem is a must-visit. Can't wait to see you there. Lot's a laughs!!
Now back to Senior Sex! Is this an oxymoron? Depends on who you ask and what gender you ask. When I started having menopause symptoms, I knew little about this life changing mystery ailment that women must endure. I discovered the sweaty hard truths that sex and my feelings about sex - went part and parcel with all my menopausal symptoms - hot flashes, mood swings, sleeplessness, weight gain, vaginal dryness, etc. etc. I also found out that my heart palpitations were a result of menopause, NOT arousal!
Chapter 8 in my book touches on sex and the arid desert (vagina and inner environs). Here's an excerpt from my book "Menopause the Horror, Humility and Humor of It All!!"
"The Arid Desert!"
"Or as I like to call it - My Tumbling Tumbleweeds!
With estrogen and progesterone abandoning me - so did every drop of moisture and natural lubrication for my vagina.
I equate my dried-up "Vadge" like this:
Envision - Pre-Coitus - I hear the lonely whistling tune of a Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western soundtrack as I slowly spread my thighs while squinting at my husband suggestively and out roll the tumbling tumbleweeds!
It's a fact!!! I swear it's true!! It scares the shit out of both you and your partner. It's a real mood changer.
Actually, they are metaphorical tumbling tumbleweeds - but that doesn't minimize the reality of my vaginal desert-like climes. I equate the internal walls of my vagina as crepe paper or onion skin - thin, delicate and easily torn. Think about it!
I recently went for my annual GYN appointmemt. My new doctor and I discussed my vaginal disuse and the painful result - and how to get it back in working order. As he penetratd me with 2 hulk-sized fingers - describing and explaining my gossamer vaginal walls - I immediately started blurting out words of discomfort and pain. As I grunted, "Ow! Ow! That hurts! Owie! Owie!" - I slowly turned my head and looked at the 11-year-old nurse who had backed up into the corner with a look of sheer horror and disgust at me and her future. No help there.
I go into more detail in Chapter 9 about this natural disaster."
This excerpt gives you an abbreviated look into a horror movie plot line.
Excerpt from Chapter 9:
"Sex (Less)"
"I gradually lost my "Sex Drive." The only thing that turned me on was fantasizing about 2 men having.....I'm going to stop there. I think you catch my drift! That is a whole other book to write.
I just don't care!
But unfortunately, with that lethargy, also comes guilt and self-loathing. But that is also another book to write.
Thanks to menopause - sex was an uncomfortable afterthought. Over the course of a decade, it ultimately ended with these thoughts, "Why can't we just cuddle or You're my best friend!"
Essentially, it boils down to this:
I'm a virgin every time - and I didn't care for it the first time!!!
Marrying a man 5 years younger was a great idea initially. He kept me young and was someone to take care of me in my old age - but, not so great during my menopausal years. No adult male understands a menopausal woman. Sorry, My Love! Luckily, it's all worked out. I now carry Ed's balls in my purse for my protection."
As I said in the opening of this blog, I had (past tense) a voracious sex drive - prior to menopause. I still haven't talked about losing my virginity - but it was traumatizing and impacted my outlook on sex for a very long time. I was in my prime years during the 80's. Living in NY was a smorgasbord of sexual options. I tested the waters in a variety of ways. My grab bag of choices was varied and plentiful. Did I make some gargantuan errors in judgement? YES! Did I hit the jackpot on occasion? YES! Just as my acting career was taking off - I had a biological meltdown and tragically got married (trial run) around 30. My gut screamed at me to reverse this decision. I ignored my gut. I went with safe not sexy. I was at the peak of sexual arousal in my 30's and a virgin for the first 5 years of that decade (marriage). Once freed from the 5-year-shackles of matrimony - I was a f**king tigress of hormonal unsated needs. I hunted and hypnotized my prey into submission. I had sex with anyone I desired and forgot about them when I grew weary of their limited charms. Always seeking fulfillment but never satiated. Then I met Ed and everything changed. We had a passionate rocky start - thanks to me - but love prevailed and I met my mate for life. Sadly, I started peri-menopause about 2 years into our marriage. I don't talk about this much - but I had a miscarriage year 2. It was a horrible and scary miscarriage. I never planned on having children but was devastated by this tragedy. It resulted in my inability to conceive a child and also ignited my peri-menopause. It wasn't gradual - but hit me with a tsunami of menopausal symptoms. I list most of them in my book but have recently discovered I had other symptoms that I didn't connect to menopause - like heart palpitations. The most devastating symptom was losing my desire for sex and even romance. I lost the ability to care. Emotionally I was neutered.
Don't think the irony of being celibate while at my sexual pinnacle during my first marriage and spayed by menopause while married to the man of my dreams during my second marriage - is not lost on me. Life throws you cabbage, when you wanted lobster!
You have to understand that I started Peri-Menopause fairly early - during my early 40's. A decade that I normally would have been sexually active - without getting high as a proverbial kite. The vaginal dryness did not appear overnight - but the mood swings did. I was a very angry woman. A creeping descent of ennui and burbling, roiling toxicity invaded my soul. I didn't want sex, like sex or desire intimacy of any kind. I felt like I was outside my body - looking inward at the train wreck I was enabling into fruition. I was paralyzed with fear, loathing and shame that I would destroy my second marriage just like my ex destroyed the first. It was turbulent times and I was floundering. Menopause is an insidious biological process that is considered natural, but is in fact a mental and physical killer of sexual desire. Let me be clear - this is my experience! It will be different for each woman. But, for me, it was devastating to lose a vital marital criterion. My husband was and is a very sexual creature and I was denying him passion that I eagerly gave while we dated. Neither of us could understand this change and it almost cost us our marriage. The dearth of menopausal information also contributed to the tension, fights, confusion and hurt. Menopause is being discussed and researched a lot more these days (in my 60's) but still lacks recognition in the medical community, unlike men's erectile dysfunction (or as I like to call it - "Correctile Dysfunction" - the condition of Mansplaining!) - read my blog "How to Communicate with Your Primate!"
We have managed to stay together - no matter what has or may occur in this f**ked up world. We are soul mates and will stick together whether we like it or not. I meant that in a healthy realistic way - because we love each other unconditionally.
So, what is the solution and secret to our lasting relationship - sans regular sex?
Communication: We sucked at communicating our first decade. I couldn't communicate what was happening to my body and mind - because I didn't know and therefore couldn't explain what was happening to me. But, Ed would occasionally sit me down for a "talk." I dreaded these talks like I dreaded having intimacy or a colonoscopy. Our "talks" were not pleasant and polite because we were both so frustrated and hurt. But, over time and with aging wisdom - our talks have improved. It's still tough but we are both trying to be more adult and less trigger-nasty emotionally. Writing my book about my menopausal journey has helped me explain my actions and inactions to my husband during the almost two decades of symptoms. I think he now understands how difficult this change of life was and continues to be - menopause never ends. Ed's a first born and I'm a middle child. He's in control, in charge and knows best. I'm insecure and hate my short-comings but not stupid. I react defensively the minute someone talks down to me or at me. We are both passionate in our reactions and need to learn how to stop, be patient and take a breath before responding. We are both working on these reactionary character flaws and improve each year as we age. We are both trying to listen before responding or reacting. Appreciate your communicating spouse! Be smarter than the average human and learn from your childish (petulant) ways. Respect each other!
Flattery: My husband flatters me every day. I'm not great at accepting flattery. My intial reaction is to deflect or make a derogatory joke - which negates the compliment I just received. That drives Ed nuts!! I immediately start refuting the praise and explain why it couldn't possibly be true. This makes Ed mad!! He can't understand why I don't see myself the way he sees me and accept a compliment. It's very much a man vs. woman thing. Women, expecially older women, are often treated as if invisible or irrelevant - so this is absorbed into our psyche - which makes a lot of us uncomfortable or suspicious when flattered. We are also inundated with negative media and public opinion that as you wrinkle (age) your value depreciates. I say in my book, "I dress up pretty nice - but I never want to be surprised in the shower!!" But, my husband has always found me attractive and more so since I've aged into Senior Status. Every time Ed wiggles up to me with hands extended and a come-hither look in his eyes - doing the age-old dance of seduction - I feel myself stiffen up a little - because I know he's going to compliment me or grab my boobies. I need to relax and appreciate the fact that my husband finds me desirable and sexy - even if I don't. Flattery works both ways. Flatter your partner when merited. Men like to be praised. My husband is a good-looking man. He's masculine and sexy - especially since he's gone salt and pepper. His face remains wrinkleless (which pisses me off!). I have a different approach to stroking his ego (I don't shake the banana) - but consider myself lucky that I have a younger hot man on my arm! Of course, I still need to impart my fashion savvy when we go out and he's wearing the wrong colors or combos. Ed appreciates my input because he wants to look pretty too!
Senior Sex: One could consider those 2 words an oxymoron. I'm cringing as I type them. Not in the way you think, but because of my deficit (drought) in this area. My husband is the opposite. We are compatible in all areas except sex. I have spurts but they are few and far between. He spurts every day. When I watch sex portrayed on TV or a movie between 2 super hot actors - I become uncomfortable because I know that Ed is getting turned on and hoping that I am as well. It's not that I don't wish I reacted differently - it's just physiologically I can't. However, that excuse is wearing thin even on me. Let me explain. Even though my vagina is essentially retired from sex - because it f**king hurts to have sex - and estradiol cream doesn't work on me - I still have a working clitoris. That little erogenous nesting nubbin might seem dormant - but if pushed just so - can elicit past memories of erotic days of yore! If I can only get past my brain telling me that I don't like sex - I can actually enjoy being fondled and stimulating my husband in return. I have to relax. I need to believe that my husband is okay with alternatives to penetration. Whether orally or by hand - both you and your partner can enjoy sexual pleasure together - without inflicting moisture-less pain. Of course, when performing, I demand darkness - like being in a sensory tank but not alone. Old woman skin isn't as supple, taut and cooperative like it used to be - so I prefer to engage in these sex acts in the shadows. Also, we can't forget the genius invention of the vibrator!! I need to dust off mine and ring my devil's doorbell (happy button) more often. Water-based lubes for Senior Sex is also key - whether basting the turkey or stroking the trombone - lubes prevent calluses!
My husband enjoys porn but I become a disappointed movie critic. Reading erotica can be stimulating. I lean towards male on male couplings - but Ed finds this topic discomfiting. But, you can each enjoy whatever ignites the mental groin and share those fantasies with each other. Respect your partner's sexual proclivities. Everyone has a kinky side. Maybe you can find common ground - the woman as dominant and the male as submissive! That sounds fun!!
Additonal advice: Cuddling and caressing are lovely - as long as you honor each other's boundaries. I'm ticklish, so that soft effleurage makes me either giggly or irritated as shit. Also, don't go near my underarms or you will get pummeled by a banshee. Massaging is a treat. Massages knead out stresses, tensions and inhibitions - and might segue into additional pleasures - or a fantastic nap!
Subdued lighting, candlelight or total darkness are also helpful. I work out A LOT and still can't tauten my wrinkly monkey suit. Gravity is cruel when aging and I prefer to maintain some mystery with my spouse (and the world). I discover new areas on my body daily that I thought were impossible to wrinkle. Most recent spot was laying on the floor next to my dog. As I leaned over to pet his head, I looked up at the underside of my forearm and screamed! A body snatcher moment! My sister recently gave me some sage advice, "When standing up, I choose not to look behind me. If I can't see it - it doesn't exist!" So, never hold a magnified mirror under your lifted thigh in the bathroom, or never pose naked - with your back facing the full length mirror - while glancing over your shoulder, and lastly, never lay on the floor and look anywhere but at your dogs adorable furry face. Just sayin!
Being more confident would be soooooo great - but that's a lifelong work in progress - especially for middle children. (Growing Up Middling Blog Series)
Holding hands when out for a walk is comforting and often gets comments from younger people, "You guys look so cute holding hands!" Which translates to, "You old folks look adorable helping each other from falling down!!"
Being each other's best friend is as important as loving one another. Learn to like your partner!
I'll end with this pearl of wisdom. Do not believe the movies and TV shows that portray Seniors having Sex! It's all a soft focus lie!! Beautiful older actresses go through menopause and handsome older actors get erectile dysfunction - just like the rest of us. They also have stunt doubles with younger/better bodies for those sex scenes! I hear about all the seniors in retirement communities passing around STDs, or getting caught in each other's beds by the staff, or polite little old christian ladies screaming sexual innuendos to any passersby. This happens - but I question the mutual agreement in some of these couplings, or if they actually did the dirty deed, or my brain is still in denial and my mind's eye just exploded!
More wisdom - EVERY WRINKLE MAKES US MORE BADASS!
Getting old(er) is better in so many ways - but like life - you have to put on your reading glasses to decipher all the teeny fine print!
If anyone would like to share their foible(s) or aging stories or your sex life as a senior - we could commiserate on our peculiarities and frustrations - with an open forum of like-minded challenged adults. No shameing on this blog!!
If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 43 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent.
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I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego.
Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!
Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!
Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!
Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your Senior Sex deprived friends, family, superheroes and SM followers.
Let’s be Friends!!
Colleen McIntosh
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