Dear Santa... My Wish List for Santa!

My first Christmas! I think mom put me under the tree as a gift! But for whom? Santa??

All I want for Christmas above and beyond my two Front Teeth! My wish list for Santa!

I’m trying to remember if I ever wrote a list of wishes and mailed a letter to Dear Santa Claus when I was a child. Those years are a bit fuzzy now. I’m assuming I did, because of my fetish for writing my mom daily notes (selfish demands) and chronicling my deepest darkest secrets in a diary (5 horrific years were designated to a bon fire) for a large portion of my adulthood. My obsession with pen-to-paper evolved - hence a published mini-menopausal memoir, book 2 murder mystery draft and my 37th blog post. Your welcome!

For a holiday chuckle - check out my “Holi-Geddon – Funniest Holiday Memories” blog!

To this day I jot down daily to-do notes - to myself! I gave up writing my husband notes because he never reads them – his loss! Unlike my mother, who laughed at my crazed demands and filed them away to torture me once I reached maturity. She gave them to me in my early 50’s – at Xmas – and forced me to read them aloud for a crowd of relatives. Payback is a hilarious but humiliating b**ch!

Our first Xmas tree as a married couple!

Matching Santa Hats!

So, it only makes sense that I write a letter to Dear Santa as we approach the holiday - of all my old age wishes. Just because I’m 66 doesn’t mean I don’t have a Xmas bucket list! I need a beloved, trustworthy, equitable and seasoned legend to hear my meager pleas in this bizarre and chaotic world we are allowed to reside in (for now!). I no longer go on blind faith and require proof that he exists!

I’m not sure I made his “Good” list, but I’ll take my chances. If I didn’t, I’m sure it’s primarily because of my self-absorbed potty mouth! I will find out on Xmas morning if I'm naughty or nice!!

My Salt & Pepper homage to Santa Claus!

Dear Santa, (Or do you prefer Mr. Claus?)

It’s been decades since I’ve written to you. Nothing personal – but aging and cynicism prevented me from believing in your fabled and magical celebrity. My husband and I just watched the movie “Elf” for the umpteenth time, and it jump-started my rusted cold black heart amidst much grinding, smoking and spluttering, while also making my eyeballs leak. Disturbed and intrigued by this event, I had a sudden compulsion to stop being so “Hum-Buggery” and contact you directly before I run out of time - literally. I’m sure you can appreciate my senescent trepidation, since you are the venerable old age of 1,754!! I’m confidant that even you have questioned your existence over the centuries.

For our first Xmas as a couple - we went full Celtic!

Ed got distracted by the cleavage ornaments! Apparently, he loved my necklace!

My awkward family Xmas photo! Braces, homemade sack dress and white knee lengths! Enjoy the laugh!

Dear Santa, as I’ve aged, I believe Christmas has mutated into a commercialized sham with greed as its core doctrine. Consumerism at its worst. They Ho, Ho, Ho all the way to the bank. I’m not talking about Mom & Pop stores but the Mega-Retailers – the corporate machines - that make the Grinch look like an adorable baby goat. The magic of Christmas has transformed into a gilded corporate logo. Its initial origins have been relegated to an annual church pageant. Advertising for Xmas now begins in early October. Halloween and Thanksgiving are minor holiday lead-ins to the real money maker in December. Everyone starts to panic and morph into Mad Max mode – battling for the trendiest toy or fad - to the DEATH! With smeared greasepaint and spiked mohawks - last minute mobs descend upon every mall in the US – the two weeks leading up to Xmas. Nerves are frayed and moods shift to the dark (naughty) side. The “Joy of Christmas” is but an illusion. My youthful memories were of anticipated glee and excitement – not fear and loathing. My inner Scrooge won the internal battle and for many years I have dreaded this Bah Humbug event. I’m tired of spending too much money on gifts that are rarely needed or appreciated. You must see my dilemma? How do I recapture that warm and fuzzy feeling of elation that I had as a child? Prove to me that this capitalistic, exploited holiday has worth and invaluable to our society.

The McIntosh defining characteristic - squinty eyes!

Strangely, Mr. Claus, I still get the urge to sit on your lap when walking through the mall during the holiday – getting that Xmas photo op while whispering my wish-list into your ear, as you secretly cop a feel! Yes, I know he’s an imposter – but the urge remains! The child in my soul has weakened over time and I’m desperately trying to revive her and the seasonal spirit she embraced with unconditional enthusiasm and conviction. I want to believe that you live in the North Pole, that your staff are blissful toymaking elves, that reindeers are fueled by the Christmas spirit and fly you around the world while you Ho, Ho, Ho in your sleigh on the eve of December 24th - delivering all our wishes and dreams – displayed Xmas morning under a sparkly Xmas tree! This coming year (in particular) validates all my concerns, my fears and distresses. My wish list begins with these titanic issues.

My sweet dad - Santa's helper!

I know your job is overwhelming, due to precision timing and coordination. I understand why you secure all the “Dad” support – donning a red and white stuffed costume, pom pom hat and fake white beard - while hefting a satchel of presents - to assist you as your holiday manifestation – keeping the holiday spirit operational and the magic stoked. You have a herculean job to perform and a vast enterprise to maintain! Elves eat a lot of sugar plums! I’ve also heard that Mrs. Claus has a shopping addiction!

As a child – I believed with all my heart – that you were real. The ritual of cutting down a fir tree in the woods and hauling it across pristine snowy mounds of fun, mom singing Xmas carols while pulling out all the boxes of decorations, covering every window and surface with red, green, white, silver and gold ornamentation - made the season burst into life in our humble home. Our house smelled of sugarary baked goods and pine the weeks leading up. We all helped trim the tree with anticipation of gifts forming colorfully wrapped pyramids underneath. We weren’t wealthy – but we felt rich in spirit. We all sneaked peaks at the gift tags to make sure we were equally represented – with an occasional torn corner accidentally appearing while looking for our favored Santa wish list toy. Exciting times!

Front row - Samantha Middle L to R - Jerry, Scott, Me, Bridget, Missy Back row - Xmas tree Back in the shadows is my brother Michael who hated our family photos - Love his disco pants!

Dear Santa - I do have a few questions and concerns before we get to my Xmas wish list.  I know that we” better watch out” because you’re coming to town – but unclear if this is a visual thing or if you’ve gone (criminal) rogue? 

When you say that we better not cry or we better not pout – that sounds a tad ominous! Why do you assume we’ll be crying or pouting on Xmas eve? Aren’t we supposed to be jubilant when you fly by? Is there something you’re not telling us? Are we going to be disappointed if we’ve had a momentary lapse in joy?? Ultimatums make me nervous!

Creepy Christmas Card from Santa!

I understand that you like making lists and apparently OCD because you check them twice. I am also a proud OCD card carrier - but curious how you know if we’ve been naughty or nice? How do you monitor all of us - 365 days a year – 24/7? It seems very “1984” - Big Brother is watching you! This theory is supported by your admission that you see us when we’re sleeping and know when we’re awake!! It’s further reinforced that you somehow know when we’ve been bad or good! Then you passively aggressively remind us to be good for goodness sake – with an unspoken, “Or Else!” - attached to that menacing statement. Do you need a cookie?

I’m so confused and really creeped out! Did you make these rules or did a consortium of tired and angry parents steal your identity – jot down these musical threats - to keep us in line – under the guise of a sweet, misunderstood Xmas carol? If it is coming from you, then I may have to get a restraining order. No offense, Santa, but keep in mind that you don’t want the Orwellian surveillance society to “expunge” you from public record – right? Let’s all play nice, shall we!

Another Creepy Christmas Card from Santa!

By the way – our chimney was bricked up by the previous naughty owners – so I’ve heard whispers that your alternative entry is via our windows. Should I crack one open for you? We live in Baltimore – so that makes me a little nervous during Christmas. Our dog, Tatertot, wakes up for any unknown night noises – so that could be problematic for you since he hates strange men sporting a pom-pom hat! Breaking and entering is a felony in our state – so do you have a safer option? Text me and I’ll meet you at the front door. Also, keep in mind we have Ring cameras - so no funny business! You don't want to end up on YouTube!

Dear Santa, I would appreciate a response to all the above concerns.

Time for my wish list!

Dear Santa! - Wish List:

1. Freedom from Tyranny (you know who they are - they are all on your naughty list)

2. Add Empathy to all your rooty-toot-toots and rummy tum-tums!

3. Good Tidings for All (not just the 1%)

4. Equality for All (for example - Rudolph was teased and bullied by the other reindeer - disenfranchised by the herd – deprived from joining in reindeer games - but you gave him a chance and with some encouragement – he saved Xmas – just sayin)

5. Peace on Earth and Good Will towards Everyone – not just Men! (they’ve had their Balls Jingled long enough! Mother Earth and ALL her inhabitants need it)

6. Joy to the World and Repeat the Sounding Joy (I need to find Joy in my life. I don’t know where she lives, but I want you to hunt that b**ch down!!!)

7. Make Hope Contagious (or empathy, tolerance, kindness, you catch my drift!)

8. Create a Happy Pandemic (finally a worthy virus to spread)

9. Please make my Daily Disappointments/Daily Rants/Things that Annoy Me – Mellow the Elf Out (Being a Scrooge is exhausting)

10. All is Calm…All is Bright…Is it? (there is not a lot of calm these days and not a lot of bright people either - educate the clueless and things will calm down)

A slave of the law! (Les Mis lyric)

Add on Wish - No More Jury Duty - I get called every year. I fit some algorithm that makes me a repeat customer – white/married/senior/somewhat educated/homeowner/woman! As I write this letter – I’m sitting in the quiet room - nervously awaiting my number (#2113) being called – feeling like Jean Valjean in Les Misérables. My annual jury duty service is its own blog! I no longer want to dole out heaps of justice! Please take my name off their list!! I decided to take a walk and sit in my car for our jury lunch break - only to discover that I'd lost my car (and sense of humor). I spent my break searching two (attached) city parking lots – stopping every stranger that looked fairly intelligent (or not) and with minimal serial killer vibe - telling them I'd lost my car, what an idiot I am and how I hate growing old! They took cautious pity on me and found my car! I paid their kindness forward and gave them a holiday gift by providing them with a funny story at the dinner table! In my defense, a lunatic designed this maze disguised as a parking garage! Please make these senior moments stop or at least be less public!

I know this Wish List is a tall order - but it's meant for everyone's benefit - not just mine. I could have added - no more hunger, no more abusers (to - spouse, child, pet, employee, old people, etc.), no more diseases, no more wars, etc etc. etc. But if you just inoculated everyone with EMPATHY - a lot of these major concerns would take care of themselves.

I’ll be watching out for you this holiday, Santa - on the NORAD site – tracking your every movement - while you deliver gifts around the world on 12/24/24. Let’s see how you feel about being “watched!”

If you are unable to fulfill my wishes – please submit a comprehensive accounting of your rationale for disputing my requests (demands).

I appreciate your time and patience during this hectic holiday. I want to believe. Merry Christmas and have a relaxing New Years!

With Faded Fond Memories,

Dazed and Confused in Baltimore - Colleen McIntosh

P.S. Xmas Humor - Deck the Halls but not your reindeer!! Fa la la la la, la la la la….

Send to: 

Mr. Santa Claus

North Pole Postmark

Postmaster

4141 Postmark Drive

Anchorage, AK 99530-9998

Just a normal Xmas with the family - making fun of my mother by drawing a face on our finger! (Read the story on my Holi-Geddon Blog!)

A Christmas Poem

If your husband is uncooperative this season,

There's no point trying to reason,

Just roast his “chestnuts” over an open fire,

Making him oh so happy, while fulfilling his twisted desire!

Wishing all a Merry Little Christmas,

Avoiding all capitalistic gravitas,

May your hearts be light and your troubles out of sight,

Happy Holiday to All and to All a Peaceful Night!

You don't have to cut down an actual tree to celebrate Xmas! A Border Collie sporting a fabulous Xmas cape (tree skirt) will do just fine! Happy Holidays!!

If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 36 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent. 

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Great gift for the holiday - especially for men!

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Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!

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Happy Holidays!!

Colleen McIntosh