New Year’s Revelations!! Unrequited Resolutions!

2024's Word of the Year - Tenacity!!!

As I get older, I’ve decided to abandon the - basically unattainable resolutions - that leave me dejected when I’ve failed with the follow through. So, no resolutions in 2024!! No setting myself up for failure! I will, however, maintain the resolutions that I’ve already accomplished and try to improve on them in 2024 with a tenacity like an ant with a crumb! 

I’ll delve more into the New Year’s pressure to “change or reinvent” yourself for what society considers to be the "ideal" person. This blog is going to cover a variety of mini-topics as well – mini-resolutions and mini-revelations. A Stream of Consciousness Blog - so to speak – that will mimic how my brain and my life works (or doesn’t work - depending on what life hurls at me).

Here's a little excerpt from my book to start us off:

Urination - Streams of Consciousness

Menopause Conversation Continues in 2024!

Urination—Be prepared to spontaneously dribble or squirt—sometimes if you laugh too hard or sneeze or just walk through a grocery store. In other words—like the surprise Toot—it happens! They say that laughter is the best medicine, unless it’s running down your leg. Start your Kegel exercises at age 3!!! Once again you are forced to shop in the tampon/pad aisle at Target—with the humiliating reminder that you no longer have your period and youth. Pee pads—or as my husband calls them, “Giggle Pads”—replace your tampons. Might as well start stocking up early or investing in diaper stock—or maybe—just go with the flow!!!

I think this "Sunny and Warm" bodily function has the right outlook on life – go with the flow! That’s also my husbands “Zen” approach. Don’t sweat the small stuff and when you hit a snag – everything will work out just fine. Apparently, Ed has a Crystal Ball(s)! That is not the way my brain works and I cannot foresee the future. I “What if…?” myself into a tizzy like Chicken Little. I guess if I had one New Year’s Revelation – then it would be to “Resolve” my issues with negativity and worry less. I just need to be more aware of my poisonous musings. They say “Change is Good” but neglect to tell you that it can also be hard to achieve. I recently heard someone say, “Reinvention is a form of avoidance.” Quote from the TV show Killing Eve. That resonated with me. Rather than “change” or “reinvent” myself – I now prefer the words “improvement” or “refinement.” Sounds classy and a noble achievement!

My psyche works like the Disney Marvel Show, “What if….?” I take any given scenario and calculate all the potential ways it can go horribly wrong. Our brains are inter-dimensional portals that need unlocking to understand ourselves and our multi-faceted personalities. I’m sure a lot of people (me included) have imagined their lives going in different directions based on decisions made throughout their lifetime. “What if…” I’d driven down this street rather than the one I chose – and avoided that accident. “What if…” I’d said “No” to that date - and avoided that divorce. “What if…” I’d chosen that first job offer rather than accepting the easier option – and avoided that emotional abuse. Etc., Etc. I have a very good “gut instinct” which I opt out of listening to with much regret. So, listening to my inner voice (gut) is a valid revelation/resolution to strive for and attain in 2024 - even though I think my hearing is going?? Follow those internal Ley lines to a more positive dimension and outcome. Listening to that unambiguous and logical frequency should be my new norm. 

The brain is a fascinating tool – bouncing from thought to thought at the speed of light. I recently watched an interview with the mega-companies working on AI (artificial intelligence). I read a lot of Science Fiction which often deals with AI, advanced technology, parallel universes and superior alien civilizations. Today, the AI technology is evolving faster than we mere humans can adjust to and deal with all the implications. It’s as if a lot of the books and movies I’ve read/watched are becoming reality – some in my lifetime. Apparently, these supposed geniuses at Google, Microsoft, etc. have also read a lot of Science Fiction - but have chosen to ignore the chapter on our destruction – resulting with the AI going rogue (Right Hal?)! The complex human brain isn’t good enough for them – so they build machines that can determine our fate – for us. Careful what you wish for! The Google needs to look up the word “Altruism” before it unleashes their AI program on this world. BTW - coincidentally I'm reading an older Sci-fi book right now called, "The Forge of God" by Greg Bear. Here's a quote from the book that is applicable to this subject matter: "Altruism is masked self-interest. Aggressive self-interest is a masked urge to self-destruction." Food for thought!!! The Google and other Machines that run our world should look up the simplified definition of Altruism, "Feelings and behavior that show a desire to help other people and a lack of selfishness (or profit!)" BTW - I added the last (two words) to Merriam-Webster!

Back to New Year’s Revelations, Maintaining Status Quo Resolutions and Ignoring Unrequited Resolutions! 

1.    Pilates – I’ll continue to do my Pilates workouts 5 days a week. I’ll maintain this home workout until I look for a new one. I enjoy it. It loosens up my old skeleton and monkey suit. It slims and strengthens. I consider Ellen, the instructor, my BFF! Sad but true. It allows me to eat french fries on occasion. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it!

2.   Menopause the Horror, Humility and Humor of It All - My Book – I ran into quite a few obstacles – that I battled/struggled with - marketing my small but mighty book - but will continue this endeavor with the Mega-Retailers who encourage failure. Keeping my soft cover book "Available" is a 2024 worthy challenge. Marketing my book will continue but I need to come up with more inventive solutions to thwart the Big Machine (Amazon and B&N). I've blogged about those obstructions and need new tactics. I also need to let loose one of my alter egos - Ms. Tina Tenacity - so I can conquer the powers that alienate my topically-challenged book. Maybe they should make a New Year’s resolution to redirect this negative energy into promotions and sales. Also, the Menopause conversation will continue. My passion has not dimished. It is a topic that remains buried in all the noise. Ironically, I received a message from a younger woman on Linkedin yesterday. From her image she looked like she was in her 30's - a self-proclaimed millennial. She mentioned that she was working on a research study and looking for women 40-65 who are currently experiencing menopause. Then she said, "I see you may be interested in menopause content and are you menopausal?" I stared at this question and thought, "Interested? I wrote an effing book on the subject!!! Currently menopausal? It never ends you oblivious youngster!!!" I eventually calmed down and responded, politely explaining my position on this topic and in the post-menopause stage at 65. I was a bit disappointed in her response, "The team are looking for women who have spoken to doctors about a specific medication for the treatment of their hot flashes or night sweats. We were pretty specific in our language outreach. We know there's a lot more to the story. Thanks for getting back to me." I read this as, "Thanks but No Thanks Invisible Old Woman!" She was clearly NOT specific in her "language outreach" to me and probably works for a pharmaceutical company or hired by one. I'm not saying that this is not a worthy research - but I feel the younger generation is missing the point of menopause. It's not just one stage - peri-menopause or menopause or post-menopause. Once it starts - it is forever! Also, there are more than two symptoms on the "Menopausal Menu." Just because I'm not having hot flashes or night sweats doesn't mean I'm not still menopausal. Ironically, I've even aged out of a menopause study!!! I should have responded with, "I'M STILL RELEVANT!!!" I'm also still waiting for the medical community to research safe treatments for sagging skin, mood swings, memory loss and zero libido. Maybe she'll look back at this exchange one day and say, "Maybe I should have talked to that old woman about menopause and read her book!"

The education crusade continues……

3.   Website Blog – I love writing my Blog and will need to choreograph my days more efficiently to include other projects (listed above and below). I’ll continue my ranting and raving – my non-sequitur train of thought – but may need to limit my blog to once a month rather than every other week – due to my multi-tasking limitations. Locating pics, taking pics or creating drawn images for each blog takes time. I am a stickler for my chaotic but sincere rhetoric. Yes, I am an oxymoron! But I must prioritize my time to include equally important ambitions. I really hope you like my Blogs?!! I’d love more feedback, have a conversation and would love you to encourage others to my website/blogs! Thank you in (needy and hopeful) advance!

4.   My Next Book – Growing Up Middle(ing) – Adequate Working Title For Now (like middle children) – It’s time for me to be fully present for my next book. I need to shake off all the publishing and marketing nightmares from book #1 so I can concentrate on my middle child issues. Like my previous book, I’ve been jotting down thoughts, organizing my childhood notes (demands) and loosely outlining my segments. I’m using a different strategy and want to not only research the topic, but interview people born in the “Middle” of their family structure and include their stories along with my own. I’ll even use (funny) pseudonyms if they wish to remain anonymous. I plan on utilizing my folder of (terrifying and demanding) notes that my Mom saved from my childhood - which will probably be used as the chapter headings or sprinkled throughout the book - for a good chuckle. I've actually read these notes out loud at many family gatherings eliciting tears of laughter but deep inside I am personally horrified! My first book was my personal menopausal journey to share but I did not include conversations with other women and their experiences and I did not include the scientific/medical community. My methodology will once again be humorous, self-effacing and sardonic. I’m not approaching this subject matter with reproach, anger or revenge – but my ambition is to clarify our (my) position in the family unit and in society - for better or worse. Educing why we are the way we are? I would love to include some insights from the medical, psychiatric or psychology community on our mental, emotional and behavioral characteristics (disorders) – but I prefer to interview only those professionals who are also “Middle Children.” It would be fascinating to hear a psychiatrist/psychologist self-diagnose their own middle-child syndrome! I know that sections of my previous book and blogs (and this one) will be included in my 2nd book. It’s inevitable! I can’t plagiarize myself!!! (Can I?)

5.   Be Nicer and a “Better” Person – Since I quit my job a couple years ago – my outlook on life as shifted. I feel that releasing this albatross has allowed me to prioritize what is important and to redefine that word. I want to be home and spend time with my tiny family of Ed and Furballs. I abandoned my fear of rejection and joined my local woman’s group and couldn’t be happier. I have friends! Those who know me will understand that pathetic comment. I am still OCD but now have the time to be (somewhat) less rigid about my “Schedule.” I no longer feel like the world will end if I don’t vacuum! I’m still f**ked up, but I like to think that my annoying habits are more bearable. Stop Laughing Ed!!!

6.   Be More Present and Meditate Daily – Covid had a devastating effect on my fears and paranoia. I felt detached and impotent. Frozen in fear. Covid exacerbated my OCD and deficits. I was paralyzed. I stopped meditating because it only caused more anxiety. Changing the course of my life at 62 facilitated action and saved my life - sort of a colonoscopy for my soul! It’s an ongoing and sometimes formidable journey of self-discovery but so worth-while. Even though I wish I could go back in time and make different choices – I learned from these headaches and miseries. Now I can work on being more present and mediating daily adds honey to each day. I highly recommend it!

7. Less Lists - Well, apparently that's not going to happen!! I LOVE LISTS!!!

8.   List of Additional To-Do’s for 2024 – Even better eating habits. Read the room and think before I speak. Listen to my gut. Patience with my Primate and MD drivers. Repair my dwindling eyesight. Improve my Ukulele skills. Most importantly, give of myself.

The "list" above is already in motion – but hopefully in 2024 – I can accomplish even more. Now, enough of this serious ringing out the old and in with the new!

As I’ve mentioned, my brain works in bizarre ways! I’m a little erratic, crazy, animated, mentally dyslexic, OCD, ADHD, other emotionally challenged acronyms. It’s difficult for me to maintain and focus on one thought or project because my mind gets in my way. I also get easily distracted by dull shiny objects that need polishing! If I start to feel over-whelmed, I have to pause and chant, “Change the Channel….Change the Channel….” Especially, if I go down a dark path. (ominous music here)

Some of these random wacky thoughts may become a Blog Topic – but for now – let’s just meditate and muse on life’s ironies! I am my own Editor, after all!

I decided to do my first TikTok post (TikTok.com/@colleenmcintosh) – by changing the words to an old Doris Day song – “Sentimental Journey.” I called it, “Menopausal Journey!” My husband, Ed, got me a ukulele when I quit my job and I’ve really enjoyed learning this instrument.

Ukulele's have Magical Properties! Fairy Dust Strings!

(Side note of Digression - Ed also got me an iPhone Mini - which has become an ongoing family joke. I'd been asking for the largest iPhone they made because of my fading eyesight, but Ed loves his baby-iPhone and decided I would as well. I couldn't squash his enthusiasm - so I kept it. But my toylike-iPhones reputation spread far and wide! When my family got a whiff of my weakness - they pounced with joy!! My Mom actually argued with me that her gigantic iPhone took bigger/better pictures than my microscopic-iPhone. Our conversation was hilarious and frustrating because she didn't believe me when I said the size of my phone had nothing to do with image size (kind of like a man justifying his "size"). She thought her larger iPhone covered more "area" and therefore resulted in bigger and better photos - that my phone would crop out people in the image??? Thank God my cousin, Kelly, was there to back me up and convince my Mom of her misguided logic. I told my husband that my next phone was going to be the biggest one they have in stock. Maybe I'll just carry my iPad in my purse and put it up to my ear when I answer a call!!)

Anyway - back to my uke. I’m not very good, but it gives me pleasure pretending I am worthy of sharing my performance. I love changing the words to songs – like many have before me. Randy Rainbow is a current internet sensation and loads of fun to watch - very clever. So, I videoed myself singing and strumming “Menopausal Journey.” Ed said, "I'm amazed you can sing and play at the same time!" I can coordinate those two actions simultaneously, unfortunately, I did so many takes I murdered my pygmy phone! An alert appeared from Siri politely saying, “STOP SINGING YOU LUNATIC!!! ONE MORE TAKE AND I’LL HUNT YOU DOWN B***CH!! Aaaarghhhh!!! Pooft!” I killed Siri!!! I revived her by deleting about 1000 failed attempts to complete the song and lots of cursing. My iPhone Mini is not equipped to handle my TikTok musical genius!! I ultimately just selected one and posted out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. I’m changing my account to “TwitTok.” 

I’ve mentioned in a previous blog – “Holi-Geddon!” - that our camper is called, “Gullible’s Travels.”

The word "Graceful" has nothing to do with making a camper bed!

A take on the book title, “Gulliver’s Travels” just in case you didn’t get my play-on-words joke. Those who know me think this an apt name. Let me explain how this came to be. My gullibility is a birth defect that has entertained countless people for decades. I’m an easy mark! A perfect example was during a visit with my sister. We decided to eat at our favorite Indian restaurant. While waiting for our food – my gullibility was being tested to the max by both my husband and sister. Laughing at one of my inane remarks, my husband said, “You know, Gullible’s written on the ceiling.” I looked up to check. Both Ed and Bridget burst into peals of laughter. As we all calmed down, my sister turned to me and said, “Did you know that Gullible is not in the dictionary?” I said, “NO!! Really?” The entire restaurant burst into screams of laughter and my sister spewed her mouthful of water all over the table. Apparently, everyone was listening to our conversation and I was the entertainment. Later, my husband said he was going to paint the word “Gullible” on the ceiling in the kitchen. He didn’t, but I named our camper! I’ve decided to hone my gullible skill rather than pretend to change it. Or maybe I should just rename the camper to,"The Savviest Tiny Camper on the Highway!" BTW – my Dad really appreciated my gullibility – because I laughed and fell for all his jokes! 

Our Rap Album Cover! I'm the one Photo-Bombing!!!

The definition of Marbles is "Sanity!" I seemed to have lost my Marbles!! 

I've lost my Marbles!!

This is a phrase I’ve said many times – first marriage, at work, during menopause, driving in Maryland, signing up for Medicare, publishing my book, marketing my book.….etc. I went through a phase of collecting multi-colored glass beads. One day I found 2 large random Marbles – Aggies – in a drawer and turned to Ed and said, “Look! I found our marbles!!” So pleased with myself, I put them in the large bowl of colored beads and said, “If we ever lose our Marbles – just look in this bowl!” I love my husband because he tolerates my delusion. To this day, I have our “Marbles” carefully hidden in the den – amidst the deranged-decoy-colored beads! We are safe for now but obviously Not Sound!

Continuing the Marbles theme – Ed recently told me, “If you lose your marbles – I’ll dress you up in a princess outfit every day and walk you around the neighborhood!” Such a thoughtful man. I hope he includes lipstick and a tiara!! (Old joke - What's the difference between a pit bull and a menopausal woman? Lipstick!)

Mysterious Leg Bruise Club (MLBC)!!!

One of life's mysteries!

My niece, Dani, sent me this meme and it is not only hysterical but apropos! I can guarantee that I had a couple on my legs as I laughed at her text! Being of Scottish/Irish/Vampire descent – you can take my word for it – I am pale and bruise easily. I often discover “Klutz Bruises” that show up with no explanation, like an unwanted guest (or obstacle)! Self-injury bruises that appear and sometimes have a presence – a separate heartbeat – like my Bursa twin!! Example – I was scrubbing the bathtub a week ago – leaning my left shin against the porcelain tub – while I furiously sanitized. When I changed out of my work clothes – I looked down and screamed!! I had a bruise the size of a donut on the side of my calf (donut came to mind because I'm hungry). It took me a minute to figure out when and how I got this multi-colored contusion. My bruises are so spectacular that Ed suspiciously questions their source! Normally that source is called "The Coffee Table" or "Walking the Dog" or any object to run into or trip over! I should run for VP of the MLBC!

Toilet IQ! I must mention my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!! Firstly, I apologize for the tongue-twister-title. I get a little embarrassed when someone asks me the name of my book. Awful mouthful for such a tiny tome. Anyway, every time I go into the bathroom, I imagine what a perfect location to read my book. Ideal place for the advancement of your menopause education. It’s also a great way to inform your partner of “The Menopause" and be vindicated at the same time! Another reason why my book is such a great bathroom read – is the chapter lengths. You can easily read a chapter per toilet session. A great way to not only learn something but to while away your toilet activities. You'll have entertainment for 17 poops – 19 if you count the Introduction and the Closing. Great use of your time as you “eliminate” that donut. I am contemplating having my readers rate my book by bowel movement. One to Five scale – 5 poops being the best rating!!! Thoughts?

Speaking of bathrooms. I’m constantly amazed how your grooming strategies need to adjust as you age. For example – shaving my legs was never a fun or easy task. I never spent money having a sadistic stranger do it for me. You need to be pretty limber to cover all areas. But as I’ve aged – my quarterly leg-shave has a whole new set of challenges. I am not a bathtub fan - I only shower. I hold up my leg with my foot pressed against the wall for balance - I always get a nasty leg-cramp about half-way through the shave! I don’t recommend hopping around the shower with a razor blade. I have less hair on my legs now – but for some bizarre reason – I have a plethora on my wrinkly knees!!! Around the third month – as I get into bed and the light hits my bent knee just so – I see this little forest of hair wafting in the ceiling fan’s breeze. Time for a shave. Unfortunately, they don’t make razors that can navigate the knee-ruts and I always miss spots - leaving a couple long stragglers - growing disproportionately to the new growth. The other area of distress are my eyelids. We have a rule in our house – if the bathroom door is closed – you must knock (Ed) before barging in. I try to leave a little mystery to my beauty regimen. First thing every morning – I make sure the door is closed and then proceed to carefully adjust and re-mold my additional eyelid “flaps” to allow room for my beady-blue eyes to peep through the labyrinth of folds. Then I need to maintain these modifications for the next 18 hours. Waking up has become a series of bodily adjustments before I can even exit the bathroom. Being female and getting older is exhausting! You can also check out my book on "Hair" Chapter 13. This is one of my more elucidating chapters on the mutation of aging and adapting to those anomalies which also requires privacy!!!

Enough rambling for now. I just needed a New Years purge and a donut!! I wish everyone a healthy, safe, productive and calm 2024! Don't sweat the new year's resolutions. Just maintain and carry on! You're all Fabulous!!!

One of my (Covid) sayings is – “Why isn’t Hope contagious?”

Let’s start our own Hope Pandemic promoting - Happiness, Charity, Empathy, Tolerance and Kindness in 2024! It’s time for a Love Revolution!!!

Cleaning Tip #4 – knee pads.

Women's volleyball knee pads - 2024's new fashion trend!

I can’t stress enough how important it is to start wearing knee pads at an early age. I watch so many people abusing and destroying their knees when a simple solution is a pair of knee pads. Might save you from getting that Bursa on your knee or that future knee replacement surgery. It might also help you avoid that embarrassing conversation with your 12-year old Orthopedic doctor explaining all the years you spent on your knees!!! Just sayin!

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are my Super Hero’s!!!

My sister, Bridget, recently ended an email to me with a fantastic tag line - Women Ignite and Women Unite. I would love to chat with you about igniting and uniting about menopause or aging or anything you feel like getting off your chest. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without censure or interruption!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Let's all have a happy, healthy, safe and minimal drama 2024!

Let's be Friends!!

Colleen McIntosh