Wrinkles in Time! A time travelogue of wrinkles!
- Colleen McIntosh
- Feb 12
- 14 min read
Updated: Mar 24
My Wrinkles in Time Blog is not some best selling young adult fantasy sci-fi novel or a
discourse on the space-time-continuum - but a chronicling of my wrinkles through life and time - lasting impressions of past, present and future TBD. Mapping the "Climate Change" over my 66 years and hard-won wrinkles. A pre-apocalyptic countdown. A dystopian vision of my future in aging. Too dramatic? The "Wrinkle Culture" would beg to differ! My bespoke wrinkles connote aging as a memoir of my life to date.
A lot of women and men - try to defy time/reality with plastic surgery and magical wrinkle creams - but wrinkles are inevitable and a formidable opponent. If you have a lot of money and a spectacular surgeon - you can gain a few years before anyone notices. But a loft of people don't have access to great plastic surgeons or control over their additive personality issues and continue with repairs until they look like a rictus waxy sad halloween mask. If you happen to be a lottery winner in the "good genes of life" - then I applaud you and envy you.
BTW - you don't get wrinkles from all the fun and happy times!
It is known that you get wrinkles from smiling - commonly called "Laugh Lines." They are cute until the surrounding stress wrinkles take over and turn that laugh line upside down - aptly called "Grimace Lines!"
I've always been somewhat dramatic! Since birth I've been told how "animated" I can be. I always considered that a compliment. I also remember being told to not be so "expressive" all the time or - "You'll get wrinkles!" I now regret my rubber-faced enthusiasm. Too late now unless I want to spend my retirement savings looking like a pathetic scary plastic clown!
Katherine Helmond was in the movie "Brazil" - a great science fictional example of plastic surgery gone wrong. Of course, that was in bizarro land - but knowing my bad luck with Doctor Appointments - I would probably mirror her characters' terrifying attempts at looking younger. A "Brazil Lift" comprised of paperclips, elastic bands, torture devices and stretched facial skin - poorly camouflaged and tucked behind my ears! Probably the only back alley plastic surgery I could afford! My husband, Ed, is handy. Maybe he can DIY my face and neck with some sanding, clamps, screws and a varnish topcoat!
Wrinkles in time, for me personally, will be dating my life-lines from birth to date - identifying my life in wrinkle-time! Imagine your wrinkles evolving and metamorphosing because of cataclysmic events in your life. I can pretty much label every wrinkle due to a traumatic/catastrophic/fatal event that occurred - because they seem to appear overnight. New wrinkles can be F**KING LOUD!!
Wrinkles in time can be compared to the archeological and cultural periods over the centuries. We can scientifically (emotionally) define our own timeline in wrinkles!
Another analogy is Dendrochronology - a scientific method of dating tree rings (growth rings) to the exact year of germination. If you did a cross-cut section of a woman's face - you would see how the aging process degrades your derma-layers from youth to old age. We unfortunately don't have a shared root system - like trees - nourishing and assisting us in longevity and regal beauty. Wrinkles mark every stressful event to ensure it has made a permanent mark (wrinkle) for future generations to dissect for your obituary. Tragic but true!
Below is a visual representation of my upper torso and head with numbered directional lines - Event categories listed below:
Event terminology: the category of each numbered wrinkle:
A - Cataclysmic Event: a sudden, large-scale and violent event that causes great destruction and change
B - Doomsday Event: event that could threaten the survival of humans, civilization or the planet
C - Personal Event/Disaster: a spectacular bad failure
D - Natural Disaster: climate change, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, floods, fires, tornados, hurricanes, landslides, melting icecaps
E - Cosmic Events: anything coming our way from outer space
Wrink-lo-meter: Dating of each Wrinkle in Time Lines:
1 - BIRTH - E - 1958 - BEING BORN: This cosmic event is buried deep in my psyche (and along my forehead). Like an alien from another planet - landing on earth for the first time - we are strangers in a strange land. Ill-equipped for what is to come. Being ripped out of a warm, nourishing, safe environment - into a cold, blazing, shocking cacophony of stimulation would make an indelible mark (wrinkle) on any newborn. Surrounded by legs and birthing fluids - while a masked stranger grabs you and slaps you into screaming reality with your newly formed baby lungs - is a felony! Our first thought being, "Friend or Foe?" This is the first of many forehead lines and the first of many times my little pea brain yells, "WTF!!!"
2 - FORMATIVE YEARS - B - 1960'S, 70'S, 80'S: After much observation, deduction and self-analysis - I finally realized I was the MIDDLE CHILD! I now posed a threat to the survival of my siblings (and mankind). Deciding who needed to go first was a no-brainer - my older brother! He still lives, but it was a close call! I've written four blogs (so far) on my Middle Child status (issues) and will be haunted to my last breath! Realizing you are not the center of the universe and not as special as your imagination tells you - leads to poor choices and lots of excuses and an etched wrinkle in the center of your forehead! This mark was a reminder that I was insane and to stop listening to the other voices. With my additional mental health condition - OCD - you now have a Doomsday Event!
3 - FIRST MARRIAGE - C - 1990: I haven't told this story yet - but it cemented a deep f**king forehead line (gash) to remind me to listen to my gut from now on!! It absolutely falls under the Personal Disaster category - and a spectacular failure!!
4 - FIRST DIVORCE - C - 1995: The same line across my entire forehead deepened further into my scalp and brain to warn me that it was creeping into a Doomsday Event very quickly! I had to leave PA before I was caught burying a body in the backyard! I had more than one hole to dig!!
5 - MISCARRIAGE AND MENOPAUSE - A - 2000 TO DATE: I've mentioned my miscarriage in my blogs but really need therapy to face that cataclysmic event and fully come to terms with the pain. But the big cosmic slap in the wrinkled face was the "birth" of Menopause as a result of the miscarriage. Coincidence? I think NOT! My "frown lines" were carved into a V-formation in the middle of my face to remind me that I was a woman. My barren womb needed company - so it urged my hormones to vacate my body as well and Menopause roared into existence. All these fenimine rites of passage evoke how much women endure. Women are the BAD-ASSES of the universe. We are constantly told that adversity is somethign to accept and defeat. Over and Over again! My wrinkles visually map my personal topography of survival. We all hate our eroding facial features - but must learn to love our hard-won wrinkles and existence. Without women - this world would collapse into a black hole of testosterone and annihilation. Thank the Goddess for Women!!
6 thru 10 - THE JOB YEARS - B C D - 2000 - 2021: Many wrinkles appeared over these two decades. But one is more of a sag than a wrinkle - commonly called the "Brow Droop!" That droop affects the eye sag, eye creases and permanent dark circles under your eyes. I could write a book on what I sarcastically called my tenure, "I'm 105 in Job Years." Those 21 years contributed to the etching of 6 thru 10 on my Wrink-lo-meter and will become a future blog!
11 - MONEY - C - 2021: Retirement was a great decision - but losing that underpaid bi-weekly paycheck was important to our finances. I chose my health and sanity by revoking my contract with Scrooge. But a new concern popped up as a result and I discoverd a wrinkle on my ear lobes. I never knew you could wrinkle an ear lobe? Transitioning from full time work to retirement is a longer process than expected - but at least I have my soul back! Worrying about money has become my new full-time job!
12 - DEATH - C - 2020/2021/2023: The devastation of losing two of my dogs in 2020 and 2021 was beyond sad and turned my dimples into permanent wrinkle fixtures. Losing my father in 2023 broke a chunk off my heart. Death is inevitable but a horrible reality to bear.
13 - COVID/WEEPING/RETIRING/BOOK PUBLISHING & MARKETING/MEDICARE/INSURANCE/AGISM - A C D E - 2019 - 2023: Number 13 (unlucky number) - covered so many unforeseen EVENT moments. Once again, the landscape of my face changed drastically along each side of my mouth - called nasolabial folds, marionette lines and a mouth frown. I decided to combine a few aging wrinkles into one gigantic grimace of despair. Crevasses of mass proportion evolved, melded and deepened over these five years. The Covid Pandemic attacked and changed the world. With a clown-car administration telling us to drink bleach as a cure - to weeping daily for an entire year - to retiring from a thankless abusive job - to publishing and marketing my book (writing my book during this timeframe was my only joy) - to signing up for Medicare while also finding a supplemental insurance in a non-friendly senior environment - to worrying about money - to facing agism for the rest of my days on earth - and the worst of all, dealing with an administration that sucked the llife out of everything with ignorance, lies and chaos - resulting in a dust bowl that has become my face and neck - defying a millennium of derma-infrastructure evolutionary compromise (detrioration)! I was depleted!
14 & 15 - TRUMP FIRST REIGN OF TERROR - A B C D E - 2017 - 2021: Pinching of the mouth - top and bottom - from cursing at the TV for a year leading up to the vote and the four years of HELL we had to endure. Don't get me started on this spawn of Satan! My vertical lip lines and mental crease (aptly named MENTAL) has quadrupled and continues through his second reign of terror! See number 16!
16 - TRUMP SECOND REIGH OF TERROR - A B C D E - 2022 - TO DATE: He wouldn't shut up when he lost to Biden - so the reign of terror continued through Biden's term of intelligent calm and cleaning up the mess left behind!! My neck took the brunt of his first days back in the oval office since stealing the election. Day by day his attempts (along with his master puppeteer Musk and all the other fat rich old evil white male slugs) to destroy the Constitution, our rights and our nation - along with my future - is a tsunami of disaster!!! We don't know when his evil oligarchy will end or how it will end - but I'm holding out hope that it will end soon and spectacularly!! My neck wrinkles can't take much more of their SH*T!!!
Below is the most brilliant analysis of the "Shakespeare of Shit" I've heard so far. The British person who wrote this is witty, clever and very perceptive. I must add this to clearly explain my concerns. Please enjoy the read as much as I did:
"How the British got Trump Right"
"Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?"
"A few things spring to mind. Trump lacks certain qualities which the British tradionally esteem. For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awaremess, no humility, no honour and no grace - all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed. So, for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump's limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.
Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing - not once, ever. I don't say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility - for us, to lack humour, is almost inhuman. But with Trump, it's a fact. He doesn't even seem to understand what a joke is - his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.
Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny, and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers. And scarily, he doesn't just talk in crude, witless insults - he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.
There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It's all surface. Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront. Well, we don't. We see it as having no inner world, no soul. And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist. Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that. He's not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat. He's more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.
And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully. That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a sniveling sidekick instead. There are unspoken rules to this stuff - the Queensberry rules of basic decency - and he breaks them all. He punches downwards - which a genleman should, would, could never do - and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless - and he kicks them when they are down.
So, the fact that a significant minority - perhaps a third - of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think, "Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy" - is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:
Americans are supposed to be nicer than us and mostly are.
You don't need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.
The last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss. After all, it's impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum. God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid. He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart. In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws - he would make a Trump.
And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish: "My God...what....have...I...created?" If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set.
Nate White
Now we move on to the full body frontal view with a Dishonorable Mention Diagnosis at the end of each "Wrinkles In Time" Event - listed below:
17 - ELBOW POCKETS - 2023 - 2025: I don't usually have cause to look at my elbows when my arms are straightened - but happened to glance in a mirror over my shoulder the other day and screamed! I have already noted the loosening skin on the inside of my elbows but never imagined the outside would morph into ring pockets of puckered skin!
Colleen Book Quote - Chapter "Elbows - inner and outer - Like the turkey neck - you can also pinch the loose wrinkly elbow skin and entertain toddlers for hours."
I don't know who or what to blame for these useless skin flaps - but I'll just blame fat rich old stupid evil white men.
18 - SAGGING BOOBS - 2020 TO DATE: Yes, menopause, aging and gravity are to blame for my titty descent to my belly button - but, once again, I'll just blame fat rich old stupid evil white men.
19 - STOMACH SKIN THAT REFUSES TO TAUTEN ALONG WITH MY AB MUSCLES - 2019 TO DATE: I am proud of my ab muscles and worked hard to achieve them. However, my stomach skin remains lazy and refuses to cooperate with my work-out routine. I'm ripped and rippled at the same time! So, naturally, I'll just blame fat rich old stupid evil white men.
20 - FROWNY SURGERY SCAR - 2003: Thanks to fibroids and a surgeon who clearly skipped precise neat suturing class - I not only have a scarred lump of tucked skin flab but now aging and gravity has turned this scar into an upside down frowny face. A nice surprise for my GYN to stare at with repulsion. It also is strategically located at my panty line! yes, I'll just blame fat rich old stupid evil white men.
21 - KNEE WRINKLES & PUFFY POCKETS - 2000 TO DATE: I included this in my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!!
Colleen Book Quote - "Knees - Let's just say - the first time I noticed a change in my taut adorable knees, I screamed! What the fuck is the puffy pocket of fat on the inside of my knees and where did it come from? I also did not know that knees could wrinkle!!!"
With my knees consent, I'll just blame fat rich old stupid evil white men!
22 - FEET FOLDS - 2025: This is new. I'm waiting for the next phase because I have no idea where this batch of wrinkles is going! So, I'll gleefully blame fat rich old stupid evil white men!!
23 - DROOPING VAGINA LIPS - 2019 TO DATE: I'll let my Book Quote explain:
"Vagina - One more note on your dried-up vagina. I never had an issue prior to losing my youth with the dreaded - Camel Toe!!! Yes, your vaginal lips not only lose elasticity but also sag into a two-lipped betrayal. Hence, when you put on those new, taut-fitting tights - always wear a top that extends below your camel toe - or not - and make it a conversation piece at family get-togethers. But remember - family can be brutal!"
My puckered vagina lips are blowing a raspberry at fat rich old stupid evil white men!!
Some women are naturally beautiful whatever their age - with or without make-up. Unfortunately, I got hit with the wrinkle stick! My husband, Ed, loves and desires me anyway. Thank the Goddess I have a charming wit and sparkling personality!
In the harsh light of day (or night) - my wrinkles cannot be hidden from others. What I see in my mind's eye - does not match what I see each morning in the mirror. It's a surprise every day!!
Just remember that an infusion of hope, tolerance, kindness, empathy and love is the only way to make this world a better place. And maybe minimize your wrinkles!
This blog has taken on a darker side - but it is impossible to avoid. I'll end this blog with a nursery rhyme:
Trumpty Dumpty sat on a his impostors' wall,
Trumpty Dumpty will have a spectacular fall,
All the Oligarch's KKK men and All the Oligarch's Neo-Nazi men,
Couldn't figure out how to put this fat rich old stupid evil white man back together again!!
The End!
If anyone would like to share their foible(s) or wrinkle stories - we could commiserate on our peculiarities - with an open forum of like-minded challenged adults. No shameing on this blog!!
If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 38 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent.
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Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!
Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your wrinkled friends, wrinkled family, superheroes and SM followers.
Let’s be Friends!!
Colleen McIntosh
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