Sisters - You can't pick your family - but I hit the Jackpot with my Best Friend - my Sister!

This is the only photo that I wasn't making a face!

What was it like growing up under the shadow of perfection – that was my older sister? A f**king tough act to follow! 

Let me start this blog by saying, “I’m not a whole person without my sister. I would not be the woman I am today without my personal influencer - Bridget!"

My sister is 3 years older than me and looks 3 years younger. I hate her for that – but – she has a more Zen approach to living than I do. One time in an airport - traveling together - a man approached us at the check-in kiosk asking if we needed assistance. We were doing just fine but he wanted to mansplain the procedure and hang out with us while we tolerated his hovering. He said, "You two are definitely sisters. Which one of you is the oldest?" First off - what a rude question and none of his business. Secondly, I immediately knew he'd already determined who was older by looking directly at me when he asked and I was being set up for failure. So, I said, "Don't even go there! I know she looks younger!!" Just an example of what I've had to accept my whole adult life. The truth hurts sometimes! Stupid strange man!! Haven't they learned to never ask a woman her age or if she's pregnant?

She’s the oldest of 5 and got the bulk of my mom’s youthful beauty genes. Another fact that I despair over when I look into a mirror – but I don’t begrudge her this gift. Our personalities are both unique, but I use her as a barometer when making life decisions. She is the first person I would call if I needed guidance or a sounding board. She’s chill and I’m dramatic.

I clearly needed guidance and looked at the wrong sibling!

She doesn’t “What If…” everything, while I do. Don’t get me wrong – she implodes on occasion but it’s rare and scares the shit out of everyone – because it’s abnormal. Abnormal is my bailiwick! I have a melt-down almost daily – even if it’s internalized and not vomiting anxiety all over a room and any of its inhabitants. Bridget sleeps like a log while I spend my nights handwringing over all the possible scenarios that can go wrong. We are so different, but I believe that is what makes our relationship exceptional and strong. I think/hope she agrees. I tried for years (most of my life) to be like her – but failed miserably (exhibit A – my first marriage). I put a lot of pressure on her and myself. I gradually abandoned that futile dream and carved my own path and lifestyle. I’m finally at an age where I can embrace my choices and accept my flaws (most of them). It only took a lifetime to come to this epiphany. I’ve also learned that my sister is not perfect and I love her more as a result. Putting someone on a pedestal is not healthy for either of you. 

I was 12 days old and a blob of fun for my toddler sister!

My sibs are about one year apart in age and my sister, being the eldest, took on (was forced upon) the burden of mother/babysitter early on. I think she was very happy in her early

I didn't know 3-year-olds could drink coffee!! Still her favorite beverage!

toddler days (especially since mom allowed her to drink coffee - see image), when she had a couple more siblings/infants to cuddle, sniff and play with like a baby doll – but got a little jaded when 2 more popped out. Being the oldest was not easy and a responsibility that she shouldn’t have had to bear alone. Mom was young and needed all the help she could get – and that fell on to Bridget. She grew up faster than the rest of us. She also had to set a good example throughout her childhood and teens. Another boatload of unnecessary cargo for her to endure.

I adored her at 1-month-old and knew her power!

We shared a bedroom and our differences showed quite early. Her side was cluttered and lived in – while mine was tidy and OCD psychotic. I coveted everything she possessed (body and soul) - and plotted my take-over daily.

I coveted Bridget's doll and I think that's the one I broke! I will never live this one down! Again, I'm sorry!

I envied her and wished to be just like her and wasted years striving to be her clone. I was an irritating gnat that she couldn’t get rid of – because we shared a room and bloodline. But through all that (my) annoying, infuriating, disturbing behavior – we ultimately became friends – once I cut (gnawed through) the umbilical cord. It only took about 50 years. I’m a slow learner and chewer.

I could go on and on and on about my sister and my troubling psychosis – but that isn’t the point of this blog. I could rehash many moments throughout our lives that demonstrate that I’m crazy and need analysis – but I want to focus on why my sister is so special and why I call her my best friend. I’m not assuming the feeling is entirely mutual – but I know how much she loves me. That's all I need.

I don’t consider myself to be a very lucky person – but – I hit the jackpot with my best friend - my sister. She is my favorite human being to lose bladder control and continue laughing with soggy panties!! It’s a badge of honor to make each other laugh so hard that we squirt a little mortification into our underwear. The discomfort is worth it!

Our Birthday Celebration in Memphis with Dani and Jamie! Best one ever!!

Princess! We love Halloween! I think I was a vampire.

My sister is a unique and beautiful human being. She has a lot of traits and qualities that my Grammy Doris had. 

She is nurturing and caring. 

She is giving and selfless. 

She is intelligent and creative. 

She is calm and thoughtful.

She is graceful and elegant.

She is funny and witty.

She is beautiful of body, mind and spirit.

And she has gorgeous hands!

All of us (me) put a lot of pressure on Bridget as we grew into adulthood to become the matriarch of our little tribe of five. Some of us begrudgingly so – but age won over ego. She’s a generous spirit and accepted her responsibility (onus) – but at what cost? We (I mean “I”) sucked a lot of air out of the room whenever I visited her – and I visited a lot! I couldn't stay away from her for very long - I needed my Bridget fix! I know it took a toll on her. I hope that I’ve been able to reciprocate a portion of what she’s given me over the years. I would do anything for my sister. My goal is to always make her smile and laugh.

I’ve talked about her in some previous blogs - Sneeze the Day, Senior Moments, Having a Bad Hair Day, Holi-Geddon, I Should Have Written a Romance Novel - and could easily write a book about her and our combined experiences. But I’ll give you just a few of my favorite moments that had us both rolling on the couch, floor, ditch, store, event, you catch my drift – laughing until we peed, farted, snorted or all the above.

A. More on Romance Novels - Back in the day of many brick-and-mortar bookstores – we used to frequent them together often. We are both avid readers and will share what we are currently reading because we like a lot of the same genres. I remember Bridget, Mom and I

Prigel's Farm Creamery - with my favorite women! Yes, I wear that dress a lot!

went to a bookstore and spread out to search for books that would let us escape life for a few hours. We had tons of time to mosey. Somehow, we gravitated to the romance section. If I recall this correctly, Bridget and I arrived first and thus began a nostalgic conversation of our romance reading days. I don’t know who started this – but we began to laugh at some of the covers and titles (Ex.: Sweet Savage Love). Next thing I know, one of us starts reading passages out loud. I think I eventually took over because I am a ham and love to entertain. There were quite a few people in the shop – so we did this in our inside/quiet voices – not to make fun of or hurt anyone’s feelings. But if you’ve never read a romance novel out loud – do it – it’s hysterical!!! 

Romance novels have unrealistic specimens of male/female beauty - bodies tasting, coaxing, devouring, aching, bursting, seducing, possessing, moaning, plunging, thrusting, etc. etc. So many sexy romantic verbs!!! 

We kept reading and laughing! Even though we spoke quietly, the laughter was loud enough that Mom came looking for us. We were on a roll and kept going once she arrived and the three of us were on the floor laughing so hard we cried. I’m sure this involved some accidental squirting. We were wet but it wasn’t from the romantic man of our dreams. Laughing and tinkling were appropriate verbs for the three of us. Two verbs you’d never see in a romance novel.

For example: 

“His lips were hard and merciless.” 

“She felt his tongue pillage her mouth, forcing involuntary whimpers from her alabaster throat.”

First, if a man ever kissed me with hard and merciless lips – I’d probably kick him in the balls! Secondly, the words “pillage” and “forcing” and the phrase “involuntary whimpers from her throat” are not PC in our current environment and could be in a noir crime novel. I’m taking them out of romance context, but you catch my drift. Romance novels, Barbie dolls, Playboy magazines and Miss America pageants gave me a very confused and tortured outlook on life – one that I could never live up to – but very few can or should. I'm glad that some of these skewed feminine tropes are being eliminated or given new definitions of reality. I really liked the 2023 Barbie movie - best woman speech ever!!! I wish I could have seen it with my sister! Ed was my sister substitute - but refused to wear pink!

B. Our Short Crime Spree - Another memory is in Perham, Maine. Bridget and her family moved back up to Northern Maine to a beautiful farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. Her home was the hub for all family get togethers. She has been the hostess du jour since she married. I truly don’t know how she did it. She can put together a party – theme, food, decorating, entertaining, doggy-bags, cleanup – without breaking a sweat. Anyway, that’s just an aside on how much she has done for our whole family. One time I was staying with her – we were coming back from some family event late at night in her Prius. There was a large Amish farm enroute to her home. Throughout my visit we kept passing this farm and noticed this odd small neatly made shack across the road from the main farmhouse. This sect of Amish did not have electricity or telephones – so we couldn’t figure out what this shack was used for. We pondered about this and kept trying to guess its purpose. I asked if it was for the children waiting for the bus in the cold winter months? No, because they don’t attend our schools. We wondered if it was a phone booth for emergencies and because it was verboten they had to secretly put it across the street from the farmhouse. Was it the husband’s man-cave when he needed a break from being Amish? Was it their secondary bathroom (outhouse)? The mystery was killing us, so we decided to stop and check it out! The Amish were all in bed and we pulled over in pitch dark. We used our sacrilegious iPhone flashlight to see and crept through the ditch and around the discomfiting and befuddling building. As we got closer, we worried that it was storage for the “Children of the Corn” dead bodies but found that it was just an unlocked, empty building. What possessed us to look into this shack of curiosity is a conundrum but we started laughing at our law-breaking antics and couldn’t stop. We were afraid that we’d wake the Amish and get chased with horse, buggy and pitchfork. So, we stumble/ran back to the Prius and tried to make a clean get away. I yelled, “Hurry up and let’s peel away real quietly!!!” (If you need a translation – Priuses make no noise.) We laughed all the way home – despite our disappointment in the Amish shed! I wonder if they hid a mini-cam inside their peculiar novelty – secretly watching all the heretics make fools of themselves breaking and entering. 

C. Dumpster Diving - We can find humor in any situation. We typically embarrass ourselves at most restaurants, movie theatres, stores, etc. It’s what makes us laugh the hardest. Public displays of silly hilarity. One recent escapade was during a sad and difficult time. We traveled up to Maine for our dad’s birthday.

I love this picture! My sister and sweet dad!

Our father was slowly disappearing (dementia) from us and it was always bittersweet visiting him. Our brother wanted us to go through some of dad’s old boxes of pictures and collected doodads – leaving it to us to decide what to keep and what to toss. We were not comfortable doing this project for many reasons but approached it pragmatically and threw away a lot of pictures, etc., that were no longer meaningful to our father. As usual, my mom wanted to keep everything – but had no place to store it and a tug of war ensued. We had to wrestle her to prevent her from thwarting our mission. A lot of the pictures were duplicates and dad no longer remembered the people in them – so we tossed a lot of them in the nearby dumpster. But then my brother texted and wanted to make sure we weren’t just throwing everything away without careful consideration. We paused! His message was clear. He really didn’t want anything thrown away. Basically, an exercise in futility. So, the next morning we went dumpster diving.

Dumpster Diving is a sport in Maine!

My mother’s complex had a huge dumpster and right after we’d had our gallon of coffee – Bridget elected to go spelunking for photos. I’m sure the neighbors had a good laugh at three women pulling out yesterday’s garbage – one in the dumpster, one gathering her findings and one taking pictures. Fun times! We started out irritated and ended up laughing our asses off at the absurdity of our family and situation. Bridget elected to dig through garbage, I gathered and mom took photos. It all worked out.

Dumpster Diving is very athletic - her dismount was a 10!

Luckily there were no opened bags of garbage, and it was only a couple days of trash to go through. We packed it in mom’s car and gave it back to my brother. There are two hours we’ll never get back! But we had fun anyway!

Mom was there to record the event!

D. Target Child-Stroller - The 4 Amigos were all together a few years ago (at my sister's home in Laurel, MD for the holidays) and in need of taking a trip to Target one night.

Holidays with my favorite women! Target shopping is FUN!

My mom, Bridget, my niece Dani and myself entered the store and in somewhat of a hurry.

Pushing Mom around Target in a kid's stroller! Hysterical!

I don't remember who suggested the following but we squeezed mom into a child's Target stroller and pushed her around the entire store just for fun. My mom is always game for a good laugh. We zoomed around and went into tight aisles and laughed until we cried. Dani took pictures and video's (thank god) and reminded me about this Xmas stroll through Target.

I love my family!!!

I'm sure we amused and annoyed the other late holiday shoppers - but we had a blast!!!

E. Bittersweet FaceTimes – For a short time, I had my sister nearby me in Maryland. She and her husband moved down to be near their son and daughter-in-law. They were planning on having children – so Bridget wanted to be close by when the first grandchild was born. I had just a few years of my favorite person living within a half hour of me. I was so happy. My nephew and niece got pregnant and soon after the baby shower – Covid exploded and the world of isolation and chaos began. The first grandchild was born and no one could visit. I also retired during Covid and with rules relaxing a smidge – was able to spend time with all of them. I was finally recovering from my previous career and settling into the freedom of movement – visiting family. But then they all decided to move to Maine. Happiness, for me, is handed out in small increments. My happy allotment expires until I build up enough distress points that allow me to have another break in the exhausting cycle. After they moved and I started digging my way out of my heartbreak rabbit hotel – my sister asked if we could FaceTime every Thursday so we could keep in touch – even if only by phone. These FT’s have been some of our funniest conversations. We have a week of ironic events to catch up on. We both have a somewhat twisted sense of humor and can make each other laugh until we are crying and choking. I enjoy making her laugh so much. I remember telling her about signing up for Medicare and all the phone calls I made to the various senior advocate programs to help me navigate this crazy procedure – which can be very confusing. When I called AARP I ended up giving the 64-year-old man helping me a lecture on Medicare. He decided that he didn’t need to sign up for Medicare since he had good insurance through AARP. So, I gave him all the knowledge I’d inhaled over months of research and our call ended with him saying, “Thank you so much for all the info! Wasn’t I supposed to be helping you on this call? I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your questions.” Oh well! I was glad to help. Another call was to the department on aging in Maryland called the State Health Insurance Assistance Program – aka SHIP. Just about every aging question I asked – they replied, “Sorry, I can’t help you with that." The SHIP woman told me, I would have to fill out a “ship sheet” to get answers to my some of my questions. Apparently she just answered the phone?? She said it so fast that I heard – shipsheet – as one word. It also sounded a lot like, shitsheet. I recovered and asked, “What did you say?” She said, “Shipsheet.” In my head, I was highly amused at the way she said this important questionnaire form – so I replied with barely concealed humor, “So, if I need info, I have to fill out a shipsheet?” “Yes,” she replied, “A shipsheet.” I proceeded to ask her any question I could think of that involved using these two words and saying them REALLY FAST EVERYTIME:

“What is a shipsheet?”

“Why do I need to fill out a shipsheet?”

“Where do I get this shipsheet?”

“What happens when I get this shipsheet?”

“How do I fill out this shipsheet?

“Is someone going to call me when they get my shipsheet?”

 I was crying (tears of absurdity) by the end of that conversation – and finally abandoned my inside joke and filled out a shipsheet! I told Bridget these stories on our FT and we roared with laughter until we collapsed with exhaustion. All I have to say to her is “shipsheet” and we start laughing all over again. I look at life this way - if I can't get the answers I need then I want a satisfying chuckle!!!

This past FT, we were talking about feeling somewhat isolated – in that I (we) don’t get out much except to shop – chores being the only interactions with other people. I mentioned that I get super excited when I need groceries, cleaning supplies or pet food. She said, “Maybe you should just go to a place like Barnes and Noble and hang out.” I answered, “That would just depress me.” She temporarily forgot about B&N cancelling my book signing, not carrying my physical book in their stores and breaking my soul. Then she said, “I think you should just put some of your books on the B&N (Humor) shelf and see what happens.” I replied, “It’s a small section but I think I could squeeze one of my tiny books on the crowded baby shelf. Maybe I’ll autograph it!” Bridget burst out laughing and said, “They’ll never guess who put it there.” Then I said, “I’ll autograph it and say, F**k You Barnes & Noble! XOXOXO Colleen McIntosh. That should get their attention!” These conversations make us laugh so hard and make me appreciate my sister that much more. 

Dani sandwich. I'm clinging on for dear life! They can't get rid of me!

I travel up to Maine every year but it’s never quite the quality time I’d like to have with my sister. I’m usually so busy traveling from one family visit to another - spending more time in the car than actual visiting - plus spending as much time as I can with my parents (my sweet dad has passed but I still have mom) – that the sisterly quality time I cherish is squeezed into small increments. We often abandon sleep, so we don’t miss a second of laughing and talking and being together. I return home delirious and sad that it went by in a blur. I have a large family and want to see everyone (whether they like it or not). My self-imposed isolation heavily weighs on my conscience, but I made that choice – just as they’ve made the choice to live in Maine. 

If I can’t be with her – then I will write about her.

For someone who is so loud and dramatic – I still feel invisible. But my sister helps ground me and sees me and loves me just the way I am (most of the time or some of the time). 

There have been 2 men in my life that I thought I loved. They were both intimidated and resentful of my love and attention for my sister. They were both little mean bully's who were jealous and petty. Needless to say, they are no longer part of my life. Love me - love my sister - Period!

Squinty-eyed wedding picture with my niece Elyse!

There are so many differences between us – but let’s start with a few similarities:

We both smile with disappearing eyes (the squint family trait).

We both have birthdays in early October (Libra's).

We both love music (albeit in our own way).

We both love dancing (but she is trained and elegant while I am semi-trained and flail with my own inner beat and get an A for enthusiasm).

We are both selective about our best friends (she has one and I have her).

We both love reading, movies and good TV shows (I lack Britbox, darn it).

We both love our precious times of solitude (hard won moments of personal me-time).

We both get taken for granted (had to throw this one in).

We both draw/sketch (but I think she’s better than she admits).

We both agree ethically and politically (thank god).

We both love to laugh and make each other laugh (best attribute of all).

We both love lobster (anyone who doesn't is either a communist or an alien)!

Best lobster lunch ever with the best women ever! 6 lbs. of pure ecstasy!

Our distinct personality differences:

She is brunette/hazel-eyed and I am blonde/blue (I think we look nothing alike).

She is serene, calm and patient and I am dramatic and animated (that means crazy).

She is beautiful and I am interesting (I use my mind-meld to distract people from my flaws).

We are both creative – but each have our own unique talents – I sing, dance, act and write - while she is scientific/mathmatical, dances beautifully, decorates, creates whatever she decides to put her mind to creating (ex. Elaborate lampshades, Subversive embroidery).

She is chill and I am OCD. 

She is an excellent gardener and I am Ed’s poor substitute when needed.

She has gorgeous hands and I have utilitarian hands.

She is a mother/grandmother, nurturer and I’m not (I impatiently nurture - order around - my primate and pets).

She is a fabulous cook and I’m getting better now that I have time to experiment (I'll give myself one compliment - I make THE BEST Italian Ricotta Cookies).

It takes a lot to ruffle my sister and I can put up with a tremendous amount of emotional abuse – until we blow!! You don’t want to be around either of us when it reaches nuclear reaction phase. It’s terrifying. 

Renaissance Festival Elf Ear Cuff! Part of her next Halloween costume as a fairy!

I’ll be spending time with my sister this coming October. I’ll be babysitting with her for 2 weeks. Celebrating our birthdays together. It will be exhausting but so fantastic to be in one spot for the whole trip and having some sister-time. I’m looking forward to babysitting my grandnieces. I’ll get to see my niece, Dani, hopefully her fiancée, Christian and my nephew, Monkey (pug). My mom will also come down to visit. I also hope to see my cousin, Leah and family, my aunts and uncles, a couple friends from high school. After I typed this paragraph, I realized that my sister and I will probably have very little time together. Oh well, thank god for FaceTime!

I can’t forget to mention all the other women in my life – past and present. My mom, mother-in-law, grandmothers, great aunts, aunts, cousins, nieces, great nieces, sister-in-law’s, female friends of family, Alvarado Square neighbors/woman's group, co-workers/clients, old friends that have drifted away or passed but forever remembered (high school, college, acting days).I love and admire you all!! Women are truly amazing!

They finally peeled me off so I could do my normal wacky photograph!

Thanks to my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All – I am meeting and interacting with women online and in person – who share my passion and champion this challenging healthcare phase of every woman’s life. No woman is invisible. We are all relevant. We deserve to be seen and heard. We’re not making this shit up!

To all the women I like, love, cherish, esteem, admire, enjoy and respect – I salute you! Give yourselves a loud and mighty MENO-PLAUSE!!!

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I would love (I’m begging you) to get some reviews posted by the wonderful people who purchased or were gifted my book. If you could take a moment and post a review on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Good Reads, Bookbaby Bookshop &/or your social media platforms - I would be ever so humbled and grateful. I'll send you my recipe for Italian Ricotta Cookies! I’m typing this on bended knees!

Give this little Cowgirl a review!!

Thank you to the wonderful women (and one man) who have reviewed my book on Amazon, B&N and Good Reads. I'm so grateful!

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!

Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite! 

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Let’s be Friends!!

Colleen McIntosh