Nine year-olds don't need a "Littlest Angel" bra! Understanding mothers should know it's all a lie! Just give her the $1.50! I was so overwhelmed getting my first training bra that I forgot to ask my mom, “What are we training for?   Training bra, starter bra or brassiere – our first bra was a significant and noteworthy moment in our pubescent lives – both good and bad. Whether you were a pre-teen, tween or teen – purchasing a bra was exciting and life-changing. However, some of us were ambivalent about this entry into young womanhood and its implications. It exposed us to the attentions from our peers – both girls and boys (and dirty old men). It also puts a target on our backs (fronts) for the world to discover that we are growing into womanhood and the ramifications that come with being a woman! I guess we are training for the hard times to come - for the simple fact of being a woman.   Whatever we are training for – the initial intention – other than greed – was to train our bodies and our minds to acclimate this band of discomfort (training bra, etc.) for our future oppression! Just sayin!!   Ad agencies (men) were perverts! She would have been arrested for this streetcar conduct! In the olden days – girls (children) were mimicking their adult versions with corseted whalebone torture devices – to get them used to perfect posture, limited mobility, pain and restricted breathing – hence initiating them early to insure they would be well-behaved and future customers of the corsetiere. In the early 1900’s, the invention of the brassiere - a form-fitting underwear that is primarily used to support, cover and contain a woman’s breast area - was designed for women who wanted an alternative to the cinching corset.  Caresse Crosby (born Mary Phelps Jacob)   was the first to patent her design in 1914 and once married – used her husband’s money to create the Fashion Form Brassiere Company – but failed to generate sales (until a man took over). As the concept later took off, the “Bra” was becoming the new normal in women’s undergarments. Its intended use was to encourage girls entering puberty to securely bind those babies (literally and figuratively). In the guise of protecting their tender and innocent nipples from chafing, as well as, preventing those nubile breasts from prematurely sagging – the women’s underwear cartel secured their sales for generations to come. This mega industry was in full force in the 1950’s and 60’s – just as I was being conceived. These pre-standardized bras were merely aesthetic in their purpose and provided minimal or no support – but a rite of passage fulfilling cultural norms and what the media considered age-appropriate beauty standards. Literally binding us to a marketing contract for life! I’m curious why all these men, manufacturing bras for babies, thought these pretend training bras would emotionally reassure us that we were female and beautiful? This pressure also pitted us against our female peers – fomenting envy to boost sales. The fact that men (because you know it was men who were behind this evil undergarment scheme) took advantage of our fragile psyches at a turbulent age – between childhood innocence and young adulthood. We - like our mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters, friends – were all being manipulated into letting men decide what we needed to wear – inside and out. This assault on women also incorporated wearing equally uncomfortable supplementary items like girdles hose and high heels! We were tortured from bouffant head to blistered toe!! FYI – I prefer and sometimes wear men’s inexpensive boxer shorts – for freedom of movement and to let my vagina breathe - while eliminating camel toe !! Win! Win!   You have got to read all the ad-speak text. They call the girl in the center pix - Chubby! The "Princess Leia" baby/child at the bottom has dainty lace and frills for playing dress-up!! Wow!! The Woman's Liberation movement (1960's) was a symbol and reaction to the sexualized bra message and objectification of women which instigated our political pushback for equality. Women Libbers Movement peacefully fought back against our male dominated society to ensure equal rights, abortion access, equal pay and protection against violence - our basic rights! The "Burning of the Bra" was purely symbolic. Advertisers presented the "Brassiere" as the following: Wearing a bra connotes being female and using our feminine powers (bound but suggestive breasts) as a means to seduce and secure a husband which will then lead to procreation and becoming a housewife and mother…….etc. etc. etc. Thank god it’s 2025 and things have progressed! Just kidding!! We are still battling with the opposite sex for equality. That’s another blog to rant and rave about.   Pointy bras were the norm for decades! Designed to mimic the conical receptor cells of the retina - which hypnotizes the male species! If you are a woman and reading this blog – then I’m confident that you are familiar with this topic and clearly recall your first trainer or not!   For some reason this ad disturbs me deeply! Especially the flower! This teen-ish trio of girls and bras that "Grow as you grow" was a marketing trend for selling more bras. What if you grew to a Double D? The stigma of being a female - with breasts - has always been a mystery to me. It’s a natural source of food for the children we bear – but twisted into a sexualized temptation for men – who apparently can’t contain or control their base urges when a bosom appears in their sightline!! (Thanks Playboy!) That male issue has become our burden with the constriction of our orbs, and our sinful womanly wiles! Being eroticized at a young age and making us objects of desire is a societal (and religious) invention – purely to make money – with no concern for the exploitation of a child. Whether you were wearing a stretchy Lycra fabric that pretended to cover an actual breast (basically a nipple), a triple A or had an early bloomer B Cup – once you figured out how to put this contraption on – you were labeled a young woman and open to criticism. Training bras go boob in boob with getting your first menstrual cycle. You graduate to the next phase of - “I am now capable of creating life and feeding it” – while your youth has morphed into the pupa stage – prior to reaching the imago stage of womanhood.   This is just one of my many bra notes to mom. I didn't really need a bra, let alone three Double A's! It's interesting, funny and painful walking down “Mammary” lane. My Titty Training Day started young, because I insisted that I needed a bra for my flat chested body . I was a late bloomer in the breast and the period departments. My envy for all things related to feminine discomfort was overwhelming as an OCD (overly dramatic) individual (middle child). I wrote my mom many notes  asking for that adolescent-joke-of-a-training-bra! There was no mother/daughter bonding over my boobs or lack thereof. All I did was pester and irritate my mother while she stared at my flat chest, wondering how she was going to tell me that I didn’t need a trainer! I was a pre-pubescent nightmare! Peer pressure, having an older sister and advertising perpetuated my anxieties, which exacerbated my fears of being a late bloomer. I didn’t have a period until my early teens and didn’t get breasts until high school. Ironically, once I got my period and larger breasts – I had no idea what to do with them!! Just read my " Growing Up Middle(ing) Blogs " - parts 1 thru 4.   An image from my book - barnacled back - thanks to my bras and old age! Why do they call it a “Training Bra?” What are we training for exactly?  A.         The obvious would be training for getting bigger boobs, but if you have a flat chest, how could you possibly train for boobs if you’ve never had them? A Catch 22 – a circumstance that denies a conclusion! Genetics, not optimism, gets you larger breasts! No one tells you what larger mammary glands entail – discomfort, back pain, aching during menstruation, chafed nipples in the winter, erect nipples in the winter, teasing, groping, ogling and potentially cancer. No one really enjoys wearing a bra! Whoever invented the underwire is a sadist!! You also needed a new wardrobe from the waist up. The cost of bras has skyrocketed!! B.         Prior to getting breasts – we could run with abandonment and comfort with or without the training bra. Once you size up to a B or C cup (or higher) – running takes on a whole new meaning. Sports bras had not been invented when I was sizing up to pain. Of course, this issue never affected men except when they watched us run and bounce in slo-mo!! Training bras could never train you for running with an upgraded size. Apparently, once you got boobs and bras, you were supposed to remain inactive and docile – or suffer the consequences of discomfort while you exercised!  C.         If I was told I was training for the Olympics when purchasing my first titty trainer – I might have taken life a little more seriously. That’s a far nobler achievement than training for getting a boyfriend. I’d much rather be wearing a Gold Medal hanging between my burgeoning bosom than have a pimply-faced, sweaty boy tell me he admires (and attempts to fondle) my new boobs. Of course, I’d have to explain to everyone  why  I was wearing a Gold Medal – but I’m good at evading questions – I’d just bound over a hurdle and bounce away!  D.         Are we training for WAR? There is a male-related expression “showing my guns” - which means displaying their huge biceps as an analogy to guns – weapons. Men have referred to women’s breasts as – Bazooka’s! I think we win!! Time to put those “Big Guns” to good use ladies! Why do you think they call it, “The Battle of the Sexes!” E.         The brassiere manufacturers and the ad agencies should have told us the truth. We were training for Male Domination! Anyone with breasts and a vagina are considered less equal to anyone with nipples and a penis. The disparity women experience begins with the F**king Training Bra!!!   I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again – only women could handle giving birth, breast-feeding, raising children, training men and wearing a bra!!   My Boob Iliad began with a training bra - triple A. I went from a flat chest to a 32 AA padded confection and then once my period started – bloomed into a 36 C overnight – with bigger hips, extra weight and an attitude. This boob odyssey eventually led me to a slimmer 34 B – but as I’ve aged and sagged, they are back to a 34 C to accommodate the stretched sack-puddle of mammary glands. Being a woman can be exhausting and boob-breaking!  Perma-lift Bras were terrifying! Of course, it will never let you down because it has a "Magic Inset" of metal alloys!! They should call it the "Chrome Cone Brassiere!" Pre-Victoria Secrets (1960’s) was the Pointy Bra. Someone thought this reflected the normal shape of a woman’s boob. I don’t know one woman that has breasts shaped like a perfect CONE. Apparently, whoever designed this preferred shape for us to fit into – has never seen a real breast. Why is it so pointy? Is it to scare men or excite them? Is it to accommodate erect nipples – all day long? It looks dangerous! You can poke an eye out with those bras! I remember trying on my mom’s pointy bra and wondering why it was deflated in the upper half portion of the cup. I used a box of tissues to pump up the deficit. Typically, young women have perkier boobs, but as they enlarge to the next cup-size – gravity takes hold! Just ask Sir Isaac Newton!    Yes, I would have purchased that bra if it aided me in my gladiator chariot racing contests of doom! Littlest Angel training bras to this winged marketing campaign! Anything to sell bras and sex! The bra, underwear and lingerie industry has become a multi-billion-dollar global market. One of the enduring manufacturers - still existing in stand-alone shops and malls all over the US – is Victoria’s Secret . Founded by Roy Raymond and his wife Gaye. Roy created this lingerie retail billion-dollar chain in 1977 – primarily because he felt bad and uncomfortable when buying his wife underwear in a department store. He thought creating an environment like VS – would make us ladies feel way more relaxed. WTF!!! I admit that I shopped in VS – but never felt at ease and comfortable! It was created more for men than women! It’s the only store that my husband wants to accompany me – while pointing and drooling at all the skimpy lingerie he wants me to purchase for my everyday (and night) wear! Their marketing was ingenious and cruel! I’m sure most of us remember the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Shows! The models were doing their “high-heeled model walk” – dressed in floss and feathers – while also sporting Angel Wings! Yeah, that’s normal! The 1990’s destroyed woman’s credibility as intelligent beings – thanks to marketing! I admit I shopped there but rarely found something comfortable and the minute I did find bras and underwear that fit properly – they were discontinued. The big nail in their lacy coffin was all the misconduct, harassment, bullying and discrimination in a toxic misogynistic corporate environment – including the notorious sex trafficker – Jeffrey Epstein!! I no longer shop at Victoria Secret and haven’t for years. They may have restructured their leadership now – but they still sell a brand that has been tainted and continues to sexualize us. I pass that pink scented store with disdain and disgust. I’m going full granny underwear these days and more comfortable for it!    This scenario is every businessman's wet dream! I wouldn't be smiling, sitting on the desk, gabbing on the phone while provocatively posing! I'd be waking up from a nightmare screaming!! I shop at TJ Maxx for underwear now. I have also succumbed to Social Media advertising in 2024-25 with bras for women of all ages who seek a bra that covers all problematic areas, comfortable and somewhat attractive. It still shocks me how the cost of a brassiere has escalated. I followed a company,  Honey Love , on Instagram for a while before clicking on the purchase button. Buying bras off the internet – social media – is complex. Bras are so personal and often require trying on multiple options to find that perfect fit. We are all different shapes and sizes – no one is symmetrical. One boob is always bigger than the other! I caved and bought one – which has no underwire and comfortable except for one issue – clasping the 3 hooks in the back! You get 2 hooked and then when you attempt to do the third clasp the first one disengages and so on. It takes me 15 minutes to get all hooked up! I’ve talked ad nauseam in my book and blogs about my aging boobies – a topic that never gets boring for me, because I stare and deal with them every day!! So, the search continues.   Maidenform bra ads got wackier and wackier! My   ladies group   had a lengthy discussion about boobs and bras which was revealing. Every woman has bra issues – no matter what size or shape. We all search for the missing link that lifts, supports while also being comfortable and maybe attractive. My sister, who had breast cancer, has an additional problem with bra shopping. The corsetiere shop is gradually becoming extinct, but she found one in Bangor, Maine – called   City Drawers . Being fitted by a trained bra expert is a unique experience. She was measured and sized properly for her expensive piece of lingerie and walked away satisfied for the first time in her life. Boob for thought!! I would need a size small in a sling! Some of you have heard the old expression, “ Over the shoulder boulder holder " - which means bra for the well-endowed woman. I was never a “boulder” size chest and now as I’ve aged and my small boobs are slowly sliding down my rib cage – I need an “Under the shoulder boob sling.” My phrase doesn’t have a catchy rhyme scheme – but like fruit sleeves for your garden – these slings would do the following: a. Support the boobs as they attempt to melt down to your belly button. b. Space saving since they hold those boobs in their intended chest location while freeing up your rib cage to do rib cage things. c. Air circulation around the blobs (boobs) which helps hygiene and prevents chafing, sores and age spots. d. Protection from animals or critters – like unwanted attention from ogling males. Slings are an inexpensive alternative to $200+ bras and when you are done with your DIY sling – you can recycle it in your melon garden!!    Thank god for trends that are comfortable – like sports bras. I don’t wear thongs, but most women do now and love them. I would love to buy me a new sports bra – but one that is easy to pull on and off. I look like I’m wrestling a ferret when I try to pull a sweaty sports bra off!!! I usually scream for Ed to come help me untangle the damp pullover sports bra from my neck and arms. Strangulation by sports bra is not how I want to go!   Lululemon  and the creation of attractive sports bras has been beneficial to comfort, freedom of movement and empowering. A trendier option. Underwires (devil bras) are becoming a thing of the past and with social media we have more comfortable options in this decade because women are taking over the construction of intelligent and comfortable Bra-wear!    I say we permanently end the “Training Bra” imposition and start a revolution - “My Boobs. My Choice.” Let’s train for equality instead!    How does religion play into buying a training bra? Remember the Seinfeld episode about   Kramer  inventing the male bra called “The Bro or Manssiere?” How about we ladies invent a bro bra for men! We’ll call it, “The Payback or It’s Payback Time" - Bras for predatory men!  Every woman I know or have met in a lingerie store has stories and issues with shopping for undergarments. It is universal. I'd love to hear your stories!! If anyone would like to share their foible(s) - we could commiserate on our peculiarities - with an open forum of like-minded challenged adults. No shameing on this blog!! If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 38 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment  and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, women libbers against training bras, superheroes and followers.   Let’s be Friends! LIberate the Boobies! Colleen McIntosh

Ostiumtractophobia!   Lowe's doorknob department frightens me! I have a fear of doorknobs – but specifically bathroom doorknobs! Go figure! My “weird” just gets better with age!   I’ve noticed over the years that I exhibited an ever-evolving issue with bathroom doorknobs, and it’s gotten worse as I age out of sanity. Fear of doorknobs might be a tad mis-leading, but I’ve become knob/handle challenged and hope I’m not alone in this non-medical psychosis.    Practicing is a key element in my self-imposed therapy. There is no support group for this abnormal malfunction of reason. DA (Doorknobs Anonymous) would have a meeting of One – myself. I would have to come up with at least a 2-step program of admitting I was powerless over bathroom doorknobs and making amends to the people I have accidentally walked in on. I'd also have to supply the coffee and donuts every meeting.   I'm handling the discomfiting situation with grace and bravery! I’ve already blogged about my   OCD   cleaning/interior design issues – but I'm finally admitting to a new quirk – doorknobs! I’m not a germaphobe or claustrophobic or any of these recognized mental maladies – but I get nervous just the same. My first time at a restaurant – creates a twinge of anxiety when I know I’ll go to the bathroom at least once - prior to departing. I  must  use the bathroom at restaurants. It is vitally important to do so for the following reasons: A. I want to make sure they are clean and tidy because that connotes the kitchen is also clean and tidy. This is a busy room at any restaurant and should reflect the same care and attention to detail as the rest of the public facility. B. My aged bladder has less (taut) control than it used to have when youthful. I don’t require piddle pads (poise pads) or adult diapers - yet - but always wear a “secure panty liner” for accidental drippage (not period bleeding). Ed calls them giggle pads and he’s not far off with that insult.    Additional therapy is learning to feel comfortable in public restrooms! I’ve realized that my concerns are not  what’s  inside that bathroom, but  who  is in that bathroom. Let me explain – my discerning fear is determining whether that bathroom is occupied or not! I diligently lock that bathroom door when I’m the occupant but never assume other people care as much. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way! There are some things you never want to witness!! Fat billy goats from behind come to mind! Unisex bathrooms are more popular now and some men are less fastidious about locking doors!   I was shocked to see that I might have to face a key code pad, as well as, a door handle and panic set in!! Whether it’s a doorknob or handle or other challenging design of someone’s sick sense of humor – I am apprehensive when approaching a bathroom entrance/door. It’s usually in the form of a public restroom – not in a private residence (unless they have a bidet). It’s often less complicated in a larger business with more customers (ex. – Target). Those bathrooms need child (and Senior) proof accuracy.   Ed installed a caution sign for our bathroom. Example of the fancy restaurant door handle from HELL!! I’ll give you an example of my most recent doorknob dilemma.  The Duchess   – a brand-new, super hip restaurant – upped the stakes on a sophisticated and puzzling bathroom door-opening apparatus! This bespoke Asian Fusion small plates restaurant was exquisitely curated for high end cool! Nothing was overlooked – entrance, floor to ceiling, waitstaff, tables, tableware, lighting, wall art and food. The General Manager even introduced herself and personally welcomed us. In my previous job, part of my talents involved sourcing and shopping all tabletop props for food photography (advertising) and art directing every setup. As a result, I know quality and class when I see it. We were very impressed. Also, the food was fantastic. Every bite a delicious marvel. We can’t wait to go back. However, as our plates were removed, and we declined dessert, too full of umami tastiness – I told Ed I was going to the lady’s room before we departed for home. I made a joke as I rose, “I hope I have no problem opening the door! Wish me luck!!” He wryly looked up at me, probably thinking, “What are you? Two?”   The unisex bathroom was right around the corner and as I warily approached the door, I noticed that it was an odd choice for a bathroom doorknob - better suited for a castle or dungeon. I stared at the round, metal ring, pull handle nervously. I looked for instructions – but saw none. I was on my own. I thought, “Oh, I just pull this lever. No problem!” I pulled and the door remained firmly closed. So, I made the assumption that it was occupied and stuck my head around the corner to keep Ed informed. I waited and waited. I carefully pulled again and waited some more. After about 10 minutes (eons in bathroom time), I slunk around the corner and whispered to Ed, “I need help! I don’t think anyone is in there. Come check this f**king door!” I sat down and he impatiently popped up and immediately returned snippily to say, “You have to turn it!!!” I think the word Stupid was implied. I grumpily asked myself, “Why would you have a large round metal ring if you needed to turn it? It’s a little awkward to do so! It makes no sense to me except to look esthetically unique and mess with my head!” I got up again and realized how this must look to all the other patrons – two adults checking the empty bathroom and doorknob multiple times – bemused and perplexed – wondering if we were alien to this world! Maybe they thought we were doorknob inspectors? Let’s hope!!    When I finally managed to open the door, I quickly turned to lock it and hovered over the doorknob with shock. There was no obvious lock!!! I almost cried. I took a deep breath and went back to dissecting the handle hardware and discovered a tiny pin (little nail) fixture that I pressed and hoped was the f**king lock!!! With no chair to wedge under the doorknob, I quickly peed and then spent time admiring the tastefully, impeccable restaurant bathroom – OCD content with their spotless service. Still pissed, but empty of piss, I reluctantly went back to our table. I quietly told Ed about the eccentric lock and said, “Why do I have such a problem with public bathrooms? What’s wrong with me?” He carefully reflected a moment and said, “You’re too timid. You’re afraid of walking in on someone and you shouldn’t be. If they are too careless to  not  lock the door – that’s their problem not yours. Also, don’t be afraid to knock loudly! They’ll answer you.” I stewed a bit because he was right but didn’t want to admit it or think of myself as timid. Denial is not a river in Egypt! I petulantly replied, “I don’t think of myself as timid, but polite! I don’t want to walk in on someone or be walked in on.” This was a losing battle, and we let it go. But I immediately decided my next blog was going to be about this “rare and undiagnosed” phobia.    I'd had enough for one day in Lowe's and ran away to the cleaning product aisle for comfort!! This phenomenon has occurred in countless restaurant bathrooms – intimate and large – for various reasons. It’s transpired in movie theatres, stores, airports, etc. I’m also aware that as toilet technology advances – updates will be made to improve customer satisfaction – but often comes with no manual or instructions for the mentally challenged patrons.  It looks straight forward until it isn't! Another example was when Barnes and Noble reopened after a 2-year renovation which included a multi-private stall restroom facility. The new B&N stores have allowed more privacy when eliminating all your Starbucks beverages and snacks! They have Vacant or Occupied windows on the front which clearly indicates which doorknob to turn without incident. But, it only works if the occupant locked the door! Their fury was unreasonable due to the unlocked bathroom door. My shock was appropriate and quickly prompted me to slam the door responding, "Sorry!! I didn't see anything!" Actually, I saw too much!!   I can’t tell you how many times I’ve entered a public restroom with no issues, but once in there waited for 15 minutes for someone to exit their toilet stall – only to find out they were all empty. When I pull the door handle(s) – it remains tightly sealed. Maybe I am too timid – but I feel there is a deeper conspiracy going on in these public toilets. I often look for hidden cameras. Assuming someone in a back room is laughing their ass off! I know this because, when someone else enters – they walk up to the stall I just tested and easily open it and go in – while giving me a curious stare. I then wait for them to leave so I can use their stall. Ed always wonders why it takes me so long to pee! BTW - as I took a picture of the front of this door in B&N - I turned to exit and noticed 3 people staring at me with puzzled looks on their faces - asking themselves, "Why is that strange old woman taking a picture of the bathroom door?" I ignored them and pretended I was answering important texts while I fast-walked to find Ed! To vanquish my fear of bathroom doorknobs - I should fight my timidity and phobic predilections and just charge in - purse held high - howling a banshee battlecry of, "I will not be defeated by a doorknob. You'll never take my freedom to pee with dignity! I'm comin' in and no one can stop me!!" Barging into the first bathroom I see, consequences be damned!!   More therapy at the doctor's office! Trough basin to confound seniors! This bathroom doorknob conundrum extends to the invention of sensor water taps, soap dispensers and paper towel/germ free touch-less dispensers/hand dryers. I believe Covid was integral to these updated untouchable public sink innovations. I say this because the modern restroom facilities have gotten cruel in their renovations. I have humiliated myself on many occasions when trying to figure out these sensory wonders of modern gadgetry.  A food market   we frequent updated their public bathrooms during Covid. It is a beautiful hi-tech sandstone trough with about three sci-fi spigots and a couple magical invisible soap dispensers. You can watch yourself in the large mirror for fun while you closely peer at these mysterious tech wonders and frenetically wave under/over/sideways/high/low to generate a dollop of soap. Assuming you manage to get some in your twenty attempts – then you must go through all the flailing’s to wash the soap off! It’s understandable if the hidden soap dispenser is empty – but embarrassing when you can’t even trigger the water to flow. I’ve had many younger people watch me contort myself to the point of exhaustion prior to their taking pity and demonstrating with a flick of their wrist while a trickle of water appears out of this magical mystery spout from HELL! I hope these children are taking notes for future reference!   I’ve also been in some newly updated airport restrooms with equally disturbing features but I’m often not alone in my confusion. I’ve had a lot of laughs in these restrooms - as myself and another older woman next to me attempts to violently wave at these instruments of humiliation. We laugh so hard that others nearby join in on the hilarity while turning the situation into a 5-minute Bitch-fest about getting older. If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry – so make new friends and have a good chuckle before you board the cattle car that hurtles you through the atmosphere to your destination (or doom).   I’ve mentioned in previous blogs about my EMP superpowers with technology – whether it’s computers, websites, public restrooms or bathroom doorknobs. I’ve learned to turn it into a free comedy routine. At least I make people laugh. I'm still waiting for the government to discover my unique abilities and recruit me as a weapon!   This one was just for fun! In my research about this phobic phenomenon – I’ve found a really long word that explains my condition – Ostiumtractophobia: refers to the fear of doorknobs. A phobia where someone experiences intense anxiety or fear when they approach, touch or turn a doorknob (or can’t figure out how to turn the doorknob)! “Ostium” refers to an opening or doorway, and “tracto” refers to pulling or grasping – fear of pulling on a ridiculously designed doorknob. Symptoms can be panic attacks, sweating, rapid heartbeat and extreme discomfort when they need to open that bathroom door! I can’t recall a traumatic experience that triggered this phobia – but all it took was one time struggling at a public lavatory door to cement the psychosis. Ed tells me (often) that I can practice on his knob, anytime! (sigh)   It is not a “real” medical diagnosis but a recognized fear for a select few! I feel so special!   I’ve decided that I will overcome this cursed (pathetic) fear of bathroom doorknobs, handles, latches, locks, levers, faucets, soap and paper towel dispensers – and be smarter than the inanimate objects! It might take a while breaking the code of each facility – but I’m retired and have plenty of time. Like the movies “Groundhog Day” or “Edge of Tomorrow” – I will repeat, learn and conquer every bathroom doorknob I encounter – or pee my pants (tights) trying!!!   I mastered this handle and Ed bought me an ice cream!! Maybe if I meditate on my outré abnormality, I can learn to love those doorknobs or befriend them to ease my concerns – a therapeutic solution. Another effective method of therapy could be researching doorknobs, bathrooms and their functions – which would make them less confrontational in my demented paranoia. Or I could wear a permanent name label that clearly identifies my anxiety (condition) to alert others:  “Hi, my name is Colleen. I am doorknob disabled and need assistance when approaching a bathroom door! Call this number for a psychotic emergency – 443-###-#### - my caretaker, Ed, will intervene! Thank you!”   Nervously waiting for approval - my doorknob coach, Ed, gave me a thumb's up! There are other concerns in these public humiliation water closets that have been discussed with many of my female compatriots. Beyond fear of doorknobs and locks that aren’t idiot proofed or walking in on someone - below are more restroom grievances to ponder or add to:   1. Cleanliness  - If I’m eating or buying from your establishment/store and you offer restroom facilities – then I expect it to be relatively clean. If it looks like it hasn’t been cleaned since conception – then I will leave and never come back. My bathroom is clean at all times in case someone visits (rarely) or I drop dead (let's hope not) in my bathroom which is where the EMT’s will bag up my body. Even dead I want a good review!!   2. Door locks that work  – If you have no choice in the lavatory stall that you inhabit in a public facility – then make sure the doors lock from the inside! It’s difficult wedging your foot against the door while doing Number 1 and worse, while doing Number 2. Most women are NOT as timid as me and have no qualms about barging in!   3. Refill the toilet paper roll or stock extra nearby  – There is nothing worse than rushing into a stall with a life and death intestinal crisis to find out halfway through your traumatic plight you have no toilet paper!!! I guarantee the previous occupant DID NOT inform the custodians of their using up the last square. We’ve all seen that “ Seinfeld ” episode where Elaine asks, “Can you spare a square?” - while the rude woman in the next stall refuses with, "I don't have a square to spare!" That is why I always carry an inordinate amount of tissues in my purse and pockets. Be kind and report the missing toilet paper!   4. Sitting down on someone else’s “Pee”  – It's bad enough when people don't flush afterwards, but the ones that won't sit on the toilet are equally offensive!! I admit that some women (not me) are f**king pigs in public bathrooms. It’s just like people who throw their trash on the ground without any thought about the consequences. Women who have decided that sitting on a public toilet seat is disgusting – are the ones contributing to the disgusting toilet seat by pissing all over it – not the other way around. This is an American phenomenon. They also NEVER clean up their disgusting mess. Every toilet should have a sensor that detects pee on the seat and invoke a “fine/fee” for those offenders before they can exit the stall! Or, just dump a pail of pee over their heads when they dribble on the seat and maybe they won’t do it again? I try to check before I sit down – but not always successful. I just sit their cursing the previous user along with their parents, partner, children and extended family. I like the bathrooms that put up funny signs to remind these insensitive people – “Don’t Sprinkle When You Tinkle!” I’m disgusted and appalled at some women’s inconsideration and laziness. I expect more from my female compatriots! Take a moment and visualize an out of shape woman hovering awkwardly over a toilet for an extended period, bundling all their clothes in one hand, holding onto the toilet stall wall while their legs shake with lack of exercise, then try to reach down underneath the TP dispenser for said TP - while pee drips down their legs and onto the toilet seat!!! Yes, this is a HUGE Pee Peeve!! If we all sat down - this wouldn't be an issue!   5. Toilet backsplash  – Thanks to a 19th century inventor, Thomas Crapper (I can't stop laughing!), who invented the Ballcock (I'm laughing harder), we have flushing toilets. Ed and I watched a YouTube video on these wonders of lavatory innovations. Most public toilets are hooked up (bigger Ballcocks?) to ensure that they can handle any load deposited – which results in a powerful backsplash when flushed. I learned way too much about where that backsplash goes and how far the spray disperses in the tiny cublicle. You would never flush a toilet again or touch any of the walls, toilet paper, toilet flusher handle, etc. Also, the self-flushing toilets don't care if you are standing or still sitting. A fart could set it off! If I wanted a bidet I would have requested one!   6. Getting sick in a public facility  – I try my best not to do number 2 in a public restroom. I’m not always able to control the situation – but have a 90% success rate. I can recall 2 times that I was ill and had no choice – that resulted in a public spectacle that would haunt me forever. One time was going to an expensive restaurant prior to attending a show at the theatre. Halfway through our meal, I realized I wasn’t feeling good. Most nice restaurants have either a small two-seater ladies’ room or two separate unisex bathrooms. This restaurant had the former and I loudly occupied one of the two stalls. I had that whole bathroom for about a half hour! I never returned to this restaurant.                                                           The second time this happened was worse. We drove down to visit my in-laws and were treated to a fancy Indian restaurant. Somehow, I managed to catch a virus that reared its ugly head during our meal. Sitting across from my father-in-law, I broke out into a full body sweat and started shaking and almost blacking out. Cursing myself for wearing heels, I stumbled to the bathroom in full delirious panic. I don’t remember getting there and vaguely recall the explosion that ensued, but I had brave people asking me if I was okay or needed an ambulance! I couldn’t stop shaking and was sick from both ends. Oddly, none of my table partners came to look for me or check on me. Eventually, I shuddered my way back to the table and luckily the meal was over, and all packed up in (gag) doggie bags. As Ed and I walked to the car I told him how sick I was and needed to go back to their place ASAP! My in-laws were clueless to my distress – and I was grateful for their ignorance. As we started the drive home, my mother-in-law says, “There’s a great ice cream place on our way back. Do you want to stop for ice cream!” I almost puked! Ed quickly piped up that we were full and gripped my sweaty hand. I spent that whole night in the bathroom and into the next day. I finally confessed about my illness and spent 2 more days sleeping with regular visits to that same bathroom. I insisted they go have fun. We had to cut our visit short to get me home. My in-laws offered to fly me back but being confined in a metal tube, packed with total strangers, with tiny public bathroom coffins made me panic. My mother-in-law gave me a pillow, warm blanket and plenty of fluids for the 2-day trip. I slept most of the way because I had nothing left to dispose of and was feeling a little better by the time we got home. I’m very sympathetic when someone is having a similar issue and usually offer assistance. We all have accidents or get sick while out in public – so being kind makes it bearable!   7. Meeting scary women in public restrooms  – I have probably blogged about this already – but will add this appropriate cautionary bathroom tale. Careful who you talk to in the ladies’ room – it might sting!   Some time ago, we had a large family gathering in a DC restaurant and eating way too much mediterranean food. Of course, I had to go to the bathroom and make sure it was clean, well-attended and to pee. When I went to the ladies loo to wash my hands, there was another woman at the next sink. I was feeling very happy and content. Smiling, while rubbing my belly, I said, “What a good restaurant. I am soooooooo full!” Wiping her hands, the other woman slowly looked at me, without smiling and quietly said, “ Are you….” (emphasis on the “Are”). I was speechless and wasn’t sure how to react to this intimidating female. Those two words became a complicated puzzle to solve. I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry – so I mumbled some nonsense, quickly tossed my hand towel, head down and with flaming cheeks ran out of the room. I was confused and pondering why I felt embarrassed, hurt and frantically asking myself, “What did I do to piss off this stranger?” When I got back to our table of laughing and sated family, I sat down between my husband and niece. I leaned over to Dani and told her what just happened in the bathroom. She was shocked but burst out laughing so loud that she insisted I tell everyone at the table. I’m good at mimicking people – so I acted out the thread of exchange in the bathroom and had everyone roaring. Those two words, “Are you….” have become a family joke now. You can take someone down with just two words if said in that quiet, sarcastic, dead-eyed, passive aggressive tone. It can be any two words depending on the topic, but it makes us laugh out loud every time. So, thank you angry terrifying lady, wherever you are!!!!   8. Public toilet phone conversations  – I know that a lot of people talk on their cell phones while sitting on a toilet – but I will never understand why they think this is acceptable to the person they are talking to or the people in the other stalls. Have a little dignity with that toilet etiquette!!   Below is an excerpt from my   Blog   – “Whatever happened to Basic Etiquette? Universal Pet (human) Peeves!!” “The worst is talking on cell phones while sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom. This is going too far!!! I remember one time in Bed, Bath and Beyond – I needed to use their facilities. I was in a bathroom stall with another woman next door. We were initially silently doing our business when she asks me a question. I jolted awake and thought she was asking for toilet paper. I said, “Oh! Do you need TP?” There was a pause, and she kept talking but I was not quite following this strange line of conversation that went on for a bit but made no sense. I asked her again if she needed anything. Another pause and I hear her whispering, “Some lady in the next stall is asking me questions and creeping me out! She should mind her own business! What is wrong with people these days!!” My immediate thought was – is she doing number 1 or 2 while talking to her friend, family, co-worker, boss? I now realized that she was talking on her phone while sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom. An easy solution to this gross and unhygienic issue is to ignore the crazy woman in the next stall who thinks talking on her phone while pooping is normal!” 9. My Furballs insist on accompanying me to the toilet  – My pets have always enjoyed hanging out with me in the bathroom. It’s a bit distracting but makes me feel loved! I draw the line when I need to go Number 2!! Below is an excerpt from my  Blog   –  “My Furry Children – Part 2 – Furballs are Forever!” “I spend way too much time alone and so I am prone to announcing my every movement – often to the pets (and my vacuum). When I say, “I’ve got to pee!” Without fail, my dog(s) and cat(s) hear, “Family confab!!   Assume your positions!” They realize that I am unable to move from my throne (toilet seat) for a few minutes – which is plenty of time for me to pet them and sometimes throw a ball. “Waste” not, want not! If I need alone time in the bathroom – I create a diversion, run in a zig zag pattern to disorient them, a quick drop and roll and slam the door without catching any little paws in the process. This really pisses off my cat, Rey.  My cat, Rey, is like a fart - silent but deadly!! She thinks she is invisible when she turns her back on me!! This is what they do when Ed is taking a bath. Rey is planning his demise and Tater is reluctantly going along because he is scared of Rey. 10. Toilet paper - Last but not least - Always check your shoes prior to exiting the bathroom. Trailing a long white chain of TP squares from the sole of your shoe is embarrassing no matter where you are or who you are. I hope you enjoyed my recent diagnosis. My next blog will be - Fear of Parking Garages!! My husband said that life with me is challenging but never dull! I'm very comfortable in my own bathroom. I often sit in there and read my book! Sometimes with sunglasses. Don't ask! If anyone would like to share their foible(s) - we could commiserate on our peculiarities - with an open forum of like-minded challenged adults. No shameing on this blog!! If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 38 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment  and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, ostiumtractophobists, superheroes and followers.   Let’s be Friends! Colleen McIntosh

Just call me Wench!    Careful who you call a withered hag - I have a hammer! My name is Colleen. What is in a name? Not every name has fantastical meaning. Some names are just derivatives of banality. Like mine!    My birth name is derived from the Irish – but ironically not a common name in Ireland. In our travels to Ireland and Northern Ireland – I was kindly but firmly told that “Colleen” was not considered an Irish name that meant “Beautiful Lass!” It was, however, loosely translated from a real Irish name, transported across the briny ocean to the land of North America and made popular around the mid-20th century – my birthing date! Like many names/surnames brought to these shores – bastardized versions of more exotic and original spelling – were changed because it was easier to dumb them down. Too difficult for the level of educated (grade school level) men monitoring and logging all the foreigners (immigrants) begging for entry to find a better existence. Like many Americans – they considered themselves superior even though they were not indigenous to this new land. Attitudes have not progressed very far in America (2025), which was originally all immigrants – except for the Native Americans!!! So, many Americans were given monikers to make everyone’s life easier as opposed to honoring their heritage. (pained sigh here)   My name, Colleen, is a girl’s name of Irish origin meaning nothing more than – “Girl” - not beautiful lass. The Anglicization of the Irish given name “Cailin.” Colleen materialized from Old Irish meaning - woman, countrywoman and wench. Irish mythology enthusiasts are drawn to Cailin’s close association with the Cailleach.   Yes, I am a woman. Yes, I am a woman living in a country. Yes, I am definitely a WENCH!   Is that a Nine Iron? The Scots invented golf - makes sense! To recite AI overview of the meaning of the word – Cailleach – in Celtic mythology, the Cailleach is a divine hag and ancestor associated with the creation of the landscape, winter, and storms (not a warm and fuzzy myth): 1. Appearance : The Cailleach is often depicted as an elderly woman with a withered face, white hair, dark blue skin, and a single eye in the center of her forehead. (except for the centrally located eye and blue-toned skin – I fit the description to a tee!) 2. Powers:  The Cailleach is said to have great power over the changing seasons and is believed to bring about winter by striking the ground with her staff, nine iron or hammer. She is also associated with wisdom, transformation, and the cyclical nature of life. (I wield no hammer or staff or play golf and clearly have no control over nature or my own life!) 3. Names:  The Cailleach has many names, including: The Hag of Beara, Beira Queen of Winter and The Veiled One. (Hag makes sense. I like bears. I come from Maine – so I’ll enjoy being called Queen of Winter. I understand why she “veils” herself considering she’s a Hag! I should consider “veiling” this withered exterior and carry a big hammer or nine iron – for anyone questioning my veiled statement!!) 4. Legends:  Legends tell of the Cailleach’s battles with Brigid   the goddess of spring. (How crazy is this tidbit of info!! My sister’s name is Bridget, and her name is the sobriquet of Brigid!!! More on her name later – because she is an actual goddess!!) 5. Places:  The Cailleach dwelled in Scotland , Ireland, The Isle of Man, and many places remain dedicated to her within these regions. (I’ve always felt a kindred spirit to these locales. I’ve considered moving to the Islands across the pond many times – this year in particular!!!!!)   I love the rack and thorny scarf!! Trend-setter! The word “Cailleach” literally means “old woman, hag” and is found with this meaning in modern Irish and Scottish Gaelic. They don’t need to keep reminding me – my mirror screams at me every fecking day!! (“Fecking” meaning – a weakened version of the classic “F bomb” commonly used in everyday Irish conversation.)   How boring can a name be?? Colleen is as interesting as - Jane Doe or she, her, it. I’m the derivative of GIRL and HAG. I’m not entirely sure I like the association with Cailleach either! However, I am also frigid and terrifying!   My soubriquet is - Old Withered Vagina!    What’s in a name? To give you an example of what a real Irish name means – I’ll use my sister as an example.   My sister deserves a Sainthood! Bridget originates from the popular Gaelic name – Brigid – which means “the high one” or “the exalted one.”  Brigid was the Irish goddess of wisdom, spring, fertility, life, healing, power, strength, vigor, virtue, smithing (they just threw this one in for fun), and poetry. In Celtic religion – she was the ancient goddess of poetic arts, crafts, prophecy and divination. She was associated with fire, water and generally considered a Bad Ass! She represents every woman and all our unique talents, skills, qualities and virtues. The perfect woman!! In all my Bridget research – the words – withered or hag - never popped up!   Her Christianized counterpart was – Saint Brigid of Kildare – patroness of healers, poets, livestock, agriculture and connotes the arrival of Spring. Her name even has a blessing associated with it: “May Brigid bless the house wherein we dwell.”    These two Celtic/Gaelic names and meanings are closely associated – sometimes considered partners and sometimes at war. Just like   sisters !!! People do not live in fear when they are introduced to Bridget (Brigid). Everyone loves Springtime!! My winterized name signifies freezing your tits off, wishing it would go away, withers your skin, which makes you angry, so you lose sleep and look like a hag. I know a lot of people who curse winter – especially in areas that seem to last forever!! You never hear people whine about springtime!   I’ll start from the beginning. My name is Colleen. I’ll recount my version of its origins – as told by my mom and dad.    Obviously, the one in the MIDDLE is me! What’s in a name? My name was an after birth - afterthought. Just read my multi-part “ Growing Up Middle(ing) ” blogs!! I was the third child of five. My sibs are all one year apart in age. My mom and dad had no precious, meaningful, thought-out name lined up for me and panicked when asked by the nursing staff. They made it up in the hospital when forced to sign my proof of existence and lineage paperwork. Mom originally wanted the name Kelly - but her sister, Aunt Linda, already had dibs on that name prior to Kelly even being conceived! My name was made up on the fly, so they could leave the hospital! My parents had 9 months to carefully consider what their precious bundle of joy was to be called – but they were too busy and forgot. Apparently, this was low on their to-do list! Maybe mom didn’t know she was pregnant? Maybe she thought she was retaining water or having a hard time losing the baby fat from her last pregnancy? My mother confirmed my suspicions by informing me that I was a mistake. Hence, the genesis of Middle Child Syndrome! Unlike my neighbor who just had their fifth child and gave her the sweetest name – Penelope Noelle - born just before Xmas with much fanfare and adoration!! I didn’t even get pink balloons!!!   My name is rarely considered when looking for a baby girl name. I was also given a name that causes confusion. It is often mispronounced and misspelled. Below are just a few examples: a. Cow-leen (I hate this one!!! A male college friend even drew me with a cow head and udders – if you catch my drift!!) b. Ka-leen (I have no idea how someone gets a soft “a” out of Colleen) c. Coh-leen (Nothing “coh-esive” about saying my name this way) d. Huh? How do you spell that? To say it properly – I’ll break it down: Call-leen (Colleen). Your welcome!   What’s in a name? Well, there are a lot of meaningful names out there that do not include my name: Abigail – Father’s joy Alexandra – Defender of mankind Alice – Noble, kind Callie – Most beautiful (Why wasn’t I named Callie?) Calynn – Powerful in battle (Or this one???) Claire – Bright, famous, brilliant (I could live with this one!) Diana – Moon goddess Eden – Paradise Elsie – God is my oath Eva – Life Farrah – Happy Grace – Goodness, generosity Kaitlyn – Pure Mabel - Lovable Millie – Strength, determination Naila – Successful Reagan – Little ruler Sarah – Princess Sophia – Wisdom Stella – A star Vivian – Full of life Zoe – Life Etc. None of these names mean – girl, countrywoman or wench!   Looks just like Ed! My husband, Ed (Edward), cockily told me his name was “special.” He crowed, “I’m the name of KINGS!!!” I had to look it up. Edward means – wealthy guardian. He’s halfway there. There are many famous Kings and nobility with the name Edward. Edward the Elder, Edward the Martyr and Edward the Confessor being the original Ed’s. Plus, many more. I think the most popular Edward in current times would be Edward Cullen from the Twilight  movies. A little dated – but vampires are hot!!!    When we met, he introduced himself as Ed (not Edward). So, I always called him Ed. When he was working for the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment), I was backstage at one of the shows – meeting wrestlers and crew. I kept hearing them call out, “Eddie! Eddie!” I asked my husband, “Who’s Eddie? They keep yelling for him.” Apparently, that’s what they called my husband. I was horrified and bent over laughing at the same time. When I want to get a rile out of him – I call him Eddie! Nicknames are another blog!   I recommend looking up your own name and learning if your parents were thoughtful, cruel or playing a cosmic joke on you! I sometimes wonder what adult people were thinking when choosing birth names for their children – especially considering how it blends with their surname.    Here are a few examples of crazy stupid parental choices – quoted from the site ( https://www.boredpanda.com/funny-unfortunate-names/ ):   Real people’s names : Mr. Perv (teacher) Dr. Dick Chopp (urologist) P. Ennis Chris P. Bacon Hitler Mussolini (Italian) Dick Long Paul Twocock Mike Litoris Mrs. Weiner and Mrs. Butt (teachers at the same school) Moe Lester Gay Saylor Major Dickie Head (military brass) Dr. Whet Faartz Dr. Lord Brain (neurologist) F. You  Kash Register Donald Duck  Gay Neighbors Dr. B. J. Hardick Crystal Methany Ben Dover Amunder Yabed   The list goes on and on and on!!! Some were just so wrong I couldn’t share. What were parents thinking!!!!! At least my parents didn’t hate me!   Please, for the love of your child, be considerate, kind and look up your name choices on the Google before you commit! Life is hard enough. Going through your school years with a name that will follow and torture you until you’re of legal age – is just simply wrong!!! Changing your name is also challenging – so don’t add additional stress to your child’s life.    If I’d had a little girl – I would have named her Maeve! It’s of Irish origin meaning “intoxicating” or “she who rules.”  Also, in Irish mythology Maeve was the Queen of Connacht, queen of the fairies and goddess of love and desire! Love that name!!! Since I don’t have a little girl – I’ve decided to use it as my nom de guerre/protagonist’s name in my next book. Yes, my main character will be based on me and all my messy attributes!   I named my dog Tate R. Tot – but I wouldn’t have saddled my child with that name. It’s cute for a dog but every bully’s dream when it comes to torturing another kid.    In honor of starting a new year - I'm choosing to reassess the meaning of my name. Colleen means girl, countrywoman and wench. That means I represent all womankind - which is pretty fecking cool! Wishing everyone who is thoughtful and kind a Happy New Year! Maybe I’ll name my next dog “Empathy” – to remind people that empathy can save humanity. Just sayin!!! My vacuum, Sharkbait, felt left out of this year's festivities and insisted on a family photo with Santa hats!! Read my last New Year's Blog about all my unrequited resolutions!! Don't make promises you can't keep!   If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 36 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment  and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, empathetic acquaintances, people named Colleen, superheroes and followers.   Let’s be Friends! Happy New Year!! Colleen McIntosh

My Mom - Mrs. Maine 1966 - Epitome of Etiquette!! Etiquette (noun): The conduct of procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life (Merriam Webster)    In layman terms – Be polite and respectful to others without discrimination!    Whether you deport yourself with an attitude of consideration for others or you could give a flying rats buttock about anyone but yourself – there are certain guidelines for common courtesy that we, as humans, should all live by.    " When a society abandons its ideals just because most people can't live up to them, behavior gets very ugly indeed." Judith Martin Quote (aka - Miss Manners) I'm no " Miss Manners " but we were raised with basic rules of convention. Growing up – our unwritten but binding contract - was to act like humans not beasts. Being polite to your elders was imperative to living beyond the age of 5! You toyed with that  spanking stick   (notched, scarred and ancient object of buttock pain - dwelling on the wall that led down to the scary cellar) if you were rude or sassy to people of a certain age – adults! Children have a lot of energy and quite often forget the rules of engagement and unknowingly push parents beyond the brink of etiquette. My mom was more forgiving, but you never tested my father’s patience (etiquette boundaries).   Grammy Doris was kindness supreme and the Grampy Whisperer! He smiled for her! My mother grew up in Northern Maine and basically was schooled in a potato field during her formative years - but somehow managed to learn all the rules of etiquette and grace. She was taught by her mother (the sweetest, most polite and kindest human ever to be born in this world) and then passed down those rules of etiquette to her children. She would not have been "Mrs. Maine 1966" without Grammy Doris's guidance!! The vital Golden Rule message being – Treat others like you wish to be treated! It’s not rocket science to understand that if we all treat people with civility, respect and kindness then more than likely it will be paid forward to you and others. As children (and adults) we were expected to say, “Please” and “May I” and “Thank you” and “Pardon me” and most importantly, “Sorry and Forgive me.” Not difficult words and phrases to remember and practice. “Pretty Please” was the final emphasis to coerce that adult into caving to your demands with polite encouragement. I taught all my dogs to acknowledge my intent when I say, “Pardon Me!” They move out of my way when those words are uttered! If a dog can learn it – then I expect every man, woman and child to have the mental capacity to comprehend it’s meaning. When I say that to Ed, it has a threatening question mark afterwards – but it’s still considered polite! But this blog is not about dogs or children or Ed. This blog is about people who should know better – and are of an age that should practice basic civilities!    For example - both my husband and I have spent time in Asia. The laws of “Personal Space” are contrary to what we Americans consider spatially customary and proper. Queuing up for a line at the airport, grocery store or wherever - are diametrical to USA standards - one person in front of another in one long line. It’s every man/woman for him/herself rule in Asia. The reality is that the ratio of people to space is vastly different in Asia versus the US. It is not considered rude to shove in front of someone while approaching your destination. For example: when I was in Tokyo, I rode the train a couple times, and they had employees standing outside each door to assist - “stuff” - as many people as possible inside that train car – compacting to maximize space. Japanese are the epitome of politeness but could care less if they are squeezed into a tin can without any room to breathe. It made all of us (Americans) very uncomfortable because “personal space” is our god given right! My Japanese friends laughed at my concerns.  BTW - Everytime Ed and I travel abroad - we are often told that Americans are rude! The disdain for Americans is disheartening but we never argue with the truth. All we can do is prove their statement is wrong by being civil, respectful and kind. We have met and made friends abroad that are always pleasantly surprised at liking us. It is always easier to be kind than angry!   Everyone deserves respect and common courtesy. But I’m realizing as I’ve aged that there is a large consortium of slow, simple, ignorant, primitive, inconsiderate, unaware, uneducated, surly folks that live among us. This cult of Neanderthals never exceeded beyond grunts – which explains why they never say, “Pardon me.” There is no one to blame except the adult who pushes you out of the way to cut in line. There comes a point in our lives that we must stop blaming our parents for all our inappropriate behavior. But that’s not to say that parents aren’t expected to teach their children basic etiquette and practice (enforce) it! Basic etiquette is often associated with everyday interractions with total strangers - but should also extend to family, friends, co-workers and acquaintances. A lot of people (you know who you are) project an image of politieness, civility and a facade of kindness in public - however, they don't extend that same courtesy to those closest to them - mother, sister, wife, children (yes, I meant to feminize this statement). These etiquette hypocrites decieve public opinion. They perform false formalities to the outside world but show their true character with loved ones - who apparently are not loved or liked as much as we (and others) think. This sad and heinous reality is the biggest etiquette "faux pas" and unforgiveable unless rectified. A self-quote that I say often is: "Just because you're educated doesn't mean you're smart." For this blogs purposes, I'm going to add an addendum to my wise saying, "Just because you're educated doesn't mean you're smart or nice!" Selective kindness is clearly NOT kindness!   Colleen Avatar demands Respect!! I’ve ranted and raved in my other blogs   (for example: Menopause – The Silent Plague! ) but the reason why I am doing this etiquette-blog-rant is to recount my trip to Pet Smart a few days ago which motivated me to point out some universal pet (human) peeves. All was going fine until I was at check-out. The woman behind me in line was on her cell phone/earpiece, speaking and sharing her conversation loudly. As I was entering my phone number and prepping to pay – I noticed that she was getting closer and closer to my physical body. I moved a step away from her and swung the credit card machine out of her sight range and was just about to enter my pin when she continued her walk-about to moving behind me and almost doing a full body backrub. I stopped and had a debate in my head whether I should calmly tell her to get the f**k away from me or quickly bend over while my rearend knocks her out of my personal space. I chose not to bend over because I was afraid I'd whack my head against the credit card machine - going down and then going back up! I didn’t want to cause a scene (or head injury) – but I was extremely uncomfortable. I remained still and did not pay until she moved away and a safe distance for me to continue. She gradually wandered back to my side but still too close for comfort. I don’t know when she ended her phone call (or if she was just having a conversation between her split personalities), but all of a sudden, she started talking to the salesclerk angling towards me again. In the meantime, I glanced at the salesclerk for assistance but rather then aiding me in my discomfort she encouraged this spatially inept woman by chatting with this invasive species, like this was normal. I could have politely asked her to move back - but I've witnessed some ferocious arguments in Pet Smart so I remained silent and observant. While they were both distracted, I quickly finished my pin. I was worried that this woman was a scammer and attempting to get my card info (because I’m old). I still feel nervous about it as I sit here typing. It was aberrant behavior and therefore suspicious. I waited for her to leave Pet Smart and noted what car she was driving. I fretted and fumed all the way home to tell Ed that we needed to keep an eye on our bank account and change our pins! This behavior happens all the time - Giant, Super fresh, Target, etc. Only once has a salesclerk chastised a shopper and made them move back in line and away from me while checking out. Obviously, that salesclerk was brought up properly. I'm not a snob or prissy - but common courtesy is not too much to ask for - and something I give to others. I call these people the “Oblivious Generation of Entitlement.” This covers all human beings who fall under the categories listed above and below – age or gender does not play a role – but blind, unaware discourteousness does!   So, let’s list out some of the universal pet (human) peeves that a lot of us have in common and possible solutions for how we can handle these impertinent, disrespectful, crude individuals without being arrested or punched:   1 - Talking on cell phones in public spaces:  We have all talked on our phones in public. There is a difference between making or answering an important call versus using the cell phone as a means of killing time (while murdering everyone elses time). A lot of people feel that they must be on their phones 24/7. It’s an addiction. Should we pity them? No! I have never understood why they feel compelled to talk loudly and sometimes on speaker phone while sharing intimate and boring details of their entire existence. They feel entitled and are inconsiderate to everyone around them. They are blatantly rude to the salesclerk who’s trying to move the line along – while everyone waiting in line is either getting pissed off or too busy talking on their own phones! Stores have become a cacophony of people talking on their stupid cell phones while they shop. There is not one person I know that I MUST call while I’m shopping – unless it’s to ask Ed what kind of cereal he prefers – and then end the call when he answers my question.   This uncontrollable and inconsiderate dependence on cell phones also extends to eating at restaurants. It’s rare to see a table of diners (addicts) actually eating, making eye contact and talking these days. Ed and I have even counted how many are on their phones and it’s often the majority. It’s like four total strangers decided to share a table but are each dining alone – with their phones as their dinner companion. Why not just call it a “cell phone date” and admit you hate yourself and other people! We’ve been amazed at couples who never once look at each other but look longingly into their cell phones the entire meal. I’ve seen people busy doing selfies or pictures of their food while never interacting or eating. It’s like watching a train wreck but not caring because everyone is on their phone – even the conductor!   The worst is talking on cell phones while sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom. This is going too far!!! I remember one time in Bed, Bath and Beyond – I needed to use their facilities. I was in a bathroom stall with another woman next door. We were initially silently doing our business when she asks me a question. I jolted awake and thought she was asking for toilet paper. I said, “Oh! Do you need TP?” There was a pause, and she kept talking but I was not quite following this strange line of conversation that went on for a bit but made no sense. I asked her again if she needed anything. Another pause and I hear her whispering, “Some lady in the next stall is asking me questions and creeping me out! She should mind her own business! What is wrong with people these days!!” My immediate thought was – is she doing number 1 or 2 while talking to her friend, family, co-worker, boss? I now realized that she was talking on her phone while sitting on the toilet in a public bathroom. An easy solution to this gross and unhygienic issue is to ignore the crazy woman in the next stall who thinks talking on her phone while pooping is normal!    Solution:  Ed and I have a rule that cell phones remain in the sleep mode until we are exiting the restaurant. It’s not perfect and we slip every now and then – but we share a meal and enjoy our time together – assuming Ed hasn’t said something to piss me off. Remember this - Cell phones need a little naptime too!   Fun Solution:   a . When at a store, if someone is rudely talking on their phone behind you, just yell, “Ring..Ring..Ring..” and put your hand up to your ear (with extended index and pinkie finger as the "invisible phone”) and loudly saying, “Hi MOM!! It’s been ages since we last talked. Let’s catch up! (silence) “No worries - I’m just in line and have gobs of time to chat!!” That should shock them enough to hang up their stupid cell phone (idiot box), because we all know it takes at least an hour to catch up with your Mom!!!   b . If you are at a restaurant and can’t stand the 4-top of cellphone-zombies next to you - grab a few menus and pretend you are the manager while asking the cellphone-diners if they’d prefer to sit at the bar since they are apparently uncomfortable sitting with strangers. If they are confused or affronted by your suggestion – then say, “Sorry, I assumed you were alone – do you want separate checks?” Just keep distracting them until you are called to another table – because as manager – you are very busy keeping order and making all diners happy!!   2 - Talking in Movie Theatres:  The cell phone saga continues at movie theatres as well. We have all had “Those People” who have no compunction talking on their phones, playing games, checking their social media pages, texting, etc. - after the movie has begun. Of course, you know exactly who that person is because their phone screen is lit up like a BEACON in an otherwise pitch-dark theatre. Most of us want to see the movie, hear the movie and enjoy the movie. But there are ALWAYS bad eggs who ruin your movie-going experience and stink up the whole theatre.    There is also the annoying lunatic who yells at the movie screen or loudly asks their neighbor many questions during the movie! I’m not sure if they understand that the movie is fiction, the actors cannot reply or hear them, that the movie is too complicated for their deficient brain cells or that they have Tourette’s syndrome? I could forgive them if they had Tourette’s. God, forbid you tell them, “Shhhhh…!” Be prepared for their very loud verbal attack on their god-given rights to talk or do anything they want during the movie, since they paid good money for that ticket! I speak from experience – because I was physically attacked after I told a young woman to please stop talking (many times). These people are unstable and have a cement chip on their soft sore shoulders! Pity them for their lack of common sense, etiquette and intelligence! Avoid them for their destructive ignorance!   Solution:  Never return to that theatre – because the staff and management don’t care either. We tried. We have plenty of movie theatres in our area and have found two that have serious, intelligent and courteous movie-goers. If you have no other theatres to select from – then absolutely speak with the owner. Most would like a great movie experience for all their patrons – so they keep coming back. Getting rid of a minority of disruptive jerks – is just good business sense. Unfortunately, no one listens to the “turn your cell phones off and be courteous” message played prior to the movie starting! Maybe they should add some blood and gore to that pre-movie video so the offensive talker/texter pays attention - to drive their point home (and into the offender).   Fun Solution:  Prior to the movie starting - loudly announce to your seat mate that you are so excited to see this movie since you’ve been given a day furlough from the mental institution on good behavior. Then say, “I hope nobody disrupts the movie because that’s what made me snap last time and put me in the loony bin!! I’d hate to put someone else in the hospital!” Then laugh maniacally! Have your partner calm you down by saying the “safe word.” Dramatically react, take a deep breath and relax. Then grab your popcorn and shove a big fistful into your mouth while grinning like a lunatic! I guarantee no one will sit behind you and push your seat, pull out their cell phone, whisper or breath. The element of surprise is that people avoid crazy!! Works every time!   3 - Driving or riding in a car : How many times have you seen a car either slow down for a period and then speed up for no reason, drift slowly into the next lane, run a red light, sit at a green light, drive on top of your back bumper, etc. You can pretty much guarantee that a cell phone is typically the issue. They are probably chatting, texting, snapping selfies, checking SM, recording their pod cast or YouTube post – or on special occasions - having that bowl of cereal while steering with their knee because they are late for work. Consideration and concern for their neighbor drivers does not enter their little pea brains. The fact that their actions may lead to an accident or death doesn’t seem to stop them from doing it every time they are in their vehicle. One huge concern I have are the people who are driving like the hounds of hell are nipping at their bumper are also on their cell phones while considering mass murder. Apparently, cars like people, need to ride your ass to feel content with their pathetic lives. Additional driving peeves are: coming to a full stop to turn right, not using blinkers, putting your blinker on AS you are turning (not before), distracted (see all of the above), running red lights, running red lights while pedestrians are crossing, changing lanes constantly in a wall of traffic, not in the lane they need to be in and dangerously cutting across three lanes of traffic to exit, not letting people merge from an exit ramp, driving down the shoulder to cut in further ahead because their time is more precious, back-seat driving (this is Ed’s gripe – but I have no idea what he is complaining about – I’m just being helpful!), etc. The biggest peeve and danger are the drivers who when beeped at because they were about to crash into you – start screaming out their window, cursing, flipping the proverbial bird and threatening to kill you – because you beeped at them, and they couldn’t possibly be at fault. No one seems capable of taking responsibility for their actions - especially when dangerous! These short-fused drivers are a menace to society and should never be allowed to renew their license without further instruction and therapy.    No one seems to realize that we are all driving a potential weapon of mass destruction often at speeds of 60 and above. Apparently, rules do not apply to a third of the drivers on the roads. Defensive driving is not fun or funny!   Solution:  You can either never drive again or talk to your Congresswomen to have updated driving instruction rules because of the increased danger of cell phone usage, stricter laws on what you can and can’t do while driving and actually follow through with enforcing these laws. Plus, stiffer fines and prison sentences for those not following the rules. Take more licenses away from repeat offenders! Rules should apply to all of us, not just the people who care. We have laws in place on cell phone and texting while driving in Maryland – but NO ONE obeys those laws and as a result there is a massive increase in accidents and insurance rates are ridiculous!   Fun Solution:  Start a company that sells polite car horns. Here are some examples: “Do you need a hug?” “Thank you for letting me live?” “You are a little ray of sunshine!” “Are you having a seizure?” “Your mommy must be soooo proud!” “What is your zodiac sign?” “Please be kind to animals/children/old people!” etc. Or just get a giggle horn. It could distract them long enough for you to make a getaway.    4 - More on public spaces:  People who are not prepared when they reach the check-out or check-in - then take 10 minutes to end their phone call or get out their information needed to complete checking-in or completing their transaction at check-out. Drives me crazy! They are either busy talking on the phone or chatting with the salesclerk – while forgetting to pull out their wallet to pay. Women have black holes in their purses – so sometimes it can take a while to search the cosmos for that wallet! Oblivious people aren’t even aware of how irritating they really are. Next time you are tapping your foot behind a person yakking on their cell phone – listen to the often ridiculous and inane conversation that is so important that it adds an extra 15 minutes to your getting out of that f**king store. BTW - cursing is perfectly acceptable under these circumstances!!   There are also a lot of spatially challenged people who are unable to navigate a sidewalk or aisle properly. Like driving on a 2-lane road – there is room for a vehicle in each lane without running into each other (theoretically and hopefully). A lot of clueless people consider a sidewalk or store aisle as their own private One-Way Lane. They spread their body and cart across the aisle essentially acting as a barricade and gridlock all other carts. Or they place their cart in the middle of the aisle and wander off to find that toenail fungal cream – ignoring the 3-cart pileup right behind them. They treat the entire store as their oyster – only one occupant (faux pearl) allowed. They act as if all other shoppers are invisible and irrelevant. It’s worse if they are with a friend – occupying more space and strength in numbers!! I remember a time when I was working downtown and had a huge, tiered metal cart loaded with heavy props and struggling to move up the sidewalk toward our building. A gaggle of young women were walking towards me and rather than stop/move over/or ask me if I needed help – they made  me  stop so they could saunter by en masse – as I struggled not to lose my load and my temper. It is disheartening to know that so many people do not take the time to SEE their surroundings or others and God forbid assist someone who is in need. We live in an anti-polite society.    Whatever happened to basic Etiquette???   Talking on your cell phone while in the bathroom is rude!! Reading is polite! Below is an excerpt from my blog –  Our Bodies, Our Minds, Ourselves…Invisibility is my Super Power !!: “Invisibility is my Superpower!!! In my later years, I’ve met people on the sidewalk that make me jump out of their way – as if I’m incorporeal. This happens more often as you age. For example: I was standing in line at a Macy’s (the slowest check out in the world!) and an older white man cuts in front of me. The female snails-clerk (yes, I meant to spell it that way) acted as if this is normal and waits on him. She completely ignored the fact that myself and the woman behind me had been standing there for 20 mins. So, I loudly said, “WOW! I’m Invisible!! Fantastic!!! I have a Super Power!!!!!" The rude guy turned and looked down his nose at me with mild disdain and probably wondered who was talking – because I’m invisible. The snails-clerk just sniffed in a huff because it made her feel important. The woman behind me burst out laughing – because she was also invisible but could see me! We laughed and talked about how discourteous people can be and how slow Macy’s checkout is. The moral of this story is that invisibility is stronger in numbers.    I use the term "invisibility" because it not only alludes to being treated like you are, in reality, invisible, but also includes those who treat you like your whole existence can be disregarded because they deem you invisible. Taking away all your power and self-worth in a couple of words or actions. Well, I know what I’d do if I was invisible and these self-important, ignorant people would not be happy about it! “Pantsing” a narcissist is always funny! Invisibility can also be helpful in a Zombie Apocalypse!!”   Solution:  Like the TSA security lines at the airport – people seem a little scared of TSA officials and obey their signs/rules and have their shoes off, ticket info and ID’s ready prior to putting all their crap on the belt for screening (and taking up 4 bins). Why not do that at the grocery, Target or drive thru ATM and have signs along the check-out lines reminding people to have their wallets out, cash or credit in hand and phones turned off – OR YOU WILL BE ARRESTED AND BANNED FROM SHOPPING AT THIS STORE (or flight). You need to idiot proof the queuing process because most have the attention span of a toothpick.    Sumo suit will prevent mental and physical harm! Fun Solution:  Buy a blow-up Sumo wrestler suit and wear it while shopping or taking a stroll outside on the sidewalk. They blow up, take up room, protect you and others if you make contact or fall. You will never be INVISIBLE ever again! Unless they want to challenge you to a Sumo match - people will stay clear of you and never impede your shopping or stroll! Plus they are hilarious! Sumo Ballerina suit is just plain funny!!! Even funnier from behind!! 5 - Social gatherings:  I find that any social gathering – whether it is family, friends or invited to a party with 90% strangers – most people have a limited set of questions to initiate a conversation. Family is less socially awkward because we grew up together – but some family members can be hurtful and afflicted with ass-pergers (yes, I meant to spell it that way). I remember a large gathering at my sister’s farmhouse one holiday. We were all sitting on her porch - yelling back and forth and having a great time. Next thing I know one of my Great Aunts, who was sitting on the opposite end of the porch from me, screeches a question my way. She has a piercing voice – so everybody heard it – despite the cacophony. “Colleen, why don’t you have children?” The porch got deathly quiet. My blood pressure shot up and I snapped back, “Because I can’t!!!” If I had the superpower of death rays for eyes – she would have been a puff of smoke while her rocking chair kept rocking from the blast! For someone who claims she is proper and polite – she tends to punch you in the kidney when she opens her yap. I love her but I often don’t like her.   First wedding photos - grandparents support needed that day! One of my favorite stories is while living in Pennsylvania with my (gag) ex. Below is an excerpt from my blog –  “Menopause – The Silent Plague! I Will Not be Silenced!!” “ The Silence Game  – This is a very specific silencer. A story I need to tell you so you can play this game the next time you are at a party or event with a lot of boring, snobby strangers. I have discovered that most people have a very limited conversation-topic repertoire and very myopic attention-span. If you don’t play their game of elitism, then you are silenced as irrelevant. Without going into specific details about a specific group of people – I will broadly refer to them as the – Shallow Shadow People (SSP). Perfect example for my experiment – I went to a New Year’s Eve party with a large crowd of SSP’s. I knew some of them but had already dealt with their snobbery and myopic ability to converse, so I avoided them and focused on the total strangers. At this time in my life, I was always abandoned by my partner while in the company of others and left to fend for myself in this sea of banality. I felt uncomfortable and isolated in my less-than-perfect existence. In other words, I was never part of the “SSP Club.” I was allowed to be in their presence but not given the secret handshake. So, prior to the party, I compiled a list that would hopefully entertain me for the long and boring evening. My list was the following: Make up the Dad's first tuxedo! He's so handsome! wackiest, most bizarre, funniest career I could think of – by using the alphabet. For example: The letter A was Astrophysicist (hard for someone to ask you questions and not sound stupid). The letter B was Bowler (professional circuit and left them dumbfounded). The letter C was Cat Psychic (because it made me laugh). And so on. I covered the entire alphabet with a cheat sheet in my purse. I had a blast and was highly amused at myself. The reason why I made this list was because this “Secret Society of SSP’s” had a one-line conversation inquiry – “What do you do for a living?” That was it. This question immediately told them how much money you make and if your career was worthy of their attention and would sometimes lead them to question 2, “Where did you go to school?” If I told them my truth, that would quickly end our conversation, and my financial/educational importance would plummet into obscurity. Once the game was afoot, my response always evinced a hesitation and look of mild confusion prior to waking up and realizing what I had just said. Before they recovered from their befuddlement and asked me questions about my unusual career choice – I would say, “If you’d excuse me. I see my partner waving at me. Nice meeting you!” Then I’d skedaddle off into the crowd. I did this over and over going down the alphabet, drinking champagne and having the best time EVER!! Eventually, I got caught! It turns out that a couple had heard one or two of my bizarre job titles and thought it was a bit strange. So, they secretly followed me around for a while before approaching me. Once confronted, I found out that they thought I was hysterical and couldn’t wait to hear my next made-up occupation. They guessed why I was playing this game and wanted to see my list. They told me that I had made their day and made the party endurable. They thanked me profusely. They said that they were going to play this game at their next boring event. What did I take away from this snob-trial? That 2 out of 200 people are aware, engaging and not robots.” I never made it to the letter “Z” which was Zebra Whisperer.    Thank God for Dad's support and hand grip!! I was ready to blow!! Little etiquette side story to go with this wedding photo - As my dad and sister were escorting me to the Chuppa - my soon-to-be sister-in-law walked by us as we were approaching the wedding guests. I said, "Martha, you're going the wrong way!" She snidely replied, "No I'm not!" My sister (Maid of Honor) immediately responded with, "Bitch!" Dad just gripped my hand harder and we kept walking. So this picture shows me with a plastered on smile and gritted teeth and dad's expression of disgust at my (ex) extended family. Solution:  You can either react with intellect and patience while interacting with mind-numbing unaware people or just don’t engage. You have every right to walk away when someone is being rude, arrogant, unrefined and disrespectful (like my in-lows/first marriage). Be very careful when selecting a partner! Check out the family before committing. Often, the cart doesn't fall far from the ill-bred horse!   Fun Solution:  Follow my example and make the gathering an Alphabet Party Game or be the first to initiate conversation by saying something pithy like, “Did you know that Blue Whales’ penises are proportional to their enormous size and that they ejaculate about 5-6 gallons of semen? Crazy!!!" That will either stimulate an educational conversation on whales or prevent any etiquette issues from happening!   My favorite primate!! 6 - Being interrupted when talking or performing a task – Specifically Mansplaining - definition: to explain something to a woman in a condescending way that assumes she has no knowledge about the topic:  I’ve covered this “topic” ad nauseam in my "How to Communicate with Your Primate" blogs (part 1 and 2) but I’ll try to condense for this blog’s purposes. Men have the capacity to know everything about everything. With all this genius – I expect cancer to be cured, climate change reversed and telephone/insurance bills simplified. Yes, I’m being sarcastic!   Mansplaining is a smug and demeaning habit – a disease that needs a cure before half the population gets snuffed out. The physical or mental “eyeroll” at your (my) stupidity makes my blood boil!   Ironically, as I’m writing this blog – Ed is telling me what and how to write this blog!!   I love my Primate!! Below is an excerpt from my blog –  “How to Communicate with Your Primate! Deciphering the Chatter!” “ How to Stop Your Primate from “Ape-splaining!”  – This is an almost incurable disease and will be my hurdle to overcome for the rest of my life. You must remind yourself that they believe with every hair-follicle of their being, that they are the smartest primate in the room. Often, they are right – but not always. One of my favorite self-quotes is, “Just because you’re educated, doesn’t mean you’re smart!!” I came up with this nugget due to all the “Ape-splaining” I’ve had to endure for 65 years!!! If I’m wrong or need help with something – I am the first one to admit defeat. But male primates will never relinquish their smart status. It can be mind-bendingly irritating – but since creation – it is their nature. Women's burden to Bare!! BTW - If I want to bring my primate down a peg or two - I ask him how to spell a word. His eyes glaze over and he starts trying to spell it under his breath, sometimes using fingers like he's counting - only to admit he doesn't know how to spell "hirsute" and knuckles off to play with his tools. Small but gratifying victory.    The best way to deal with this? Don’t argue with Captain Obvious. Don’t waste your energy because they refuse to lose this game of intellect. I recommend you let them primate-ificate until they run out of steam. Nod occasionally, but once again, don’t commit. Once they feel safe that you’re convinced of their “Superior Primate Brain Dominance” – you are free to do whatever you want – because they have short attention spans. If it’s a major decision that affects you both – do your homework and spreadsheet them to death. Excel is your strategic line of defense. Primates don’t know how to type.”   Solution:  We can’t change them overnight or kill them – so let’s work on programing them. (see Fun Solution below)   Fun Solution:  While they sleep whisper the following phrases into their ear: “Wow (your name here), that’s a great idea!” “I never thought of that! You’re so smart!” “Can I help? No? That’s fine. I know you’ve got this!!” “I’ll leave you alone so you can finish what you’re doing!” “I’m so sorry for interrupting!” “I couldn’t do this without you!” Etc.  Most marriages have a little "Tit for Testis" that goes on to keep marital combat at a happy equilibrium, but sometimes you have to hammer home your point. My response to mansplaining is, “If I needed your help or had a question – I WOULD ASK!!!”   Inappropriate phone and finger usage! Etiquette faux pas! 7 - Rambling stories and too much information:  This was Ed’s pet peeve contribution to this blog – proclaimed after I’d told a story. Strange, because my peeve is being interrupted mid-way through my story and then being told to hurry up and get to the point!!! It’s either a win-win or a lose-lose depending on what side you are on!   Solution:  There is none. Each of us has a distinct personality and we need to respect that. I ramble and Ed repeats. I can be more aware when talking and Ed can be more aware of remaining silent when I talk. I’ve remained silent when he tells me the same story 4 times – because I’m polite!!!   Fun Solution:  I have none because this was Ed’s pet (human) peeve!! I will continue to ramble til my last breath!!   I never said I was perfect!! So, it seems that CELL PHONES (and Social Media - my sister added this one) have drastically affected our everyday interactions and escalated socially unacceptable behavior. Oblivious, entitled, isolationist conduct is the new disease in our world. Cell phones have been included in almost every portion of this blog! I had no idea once I’d started writing how malignant cell phones are and how much they have affected our society and lack of decorum. They are the common denominator in socially inept generations of people, and it will only degrade further from here. I’m not saying that cell phones are the demise of society and a very convenient device – but it has mutated our culture into a lonely, isolated, impolite civilization (ironic this word includes “civil”). If someone is holding a cell phone – they forget how to say, “Excuse me or Thank you or Parden Me.” This is sad and terrifying. Whatever happened to basic etiquette? Universal pet (human) peeves we all share will never change unless we change! We live in the age of the “Oblivious Generation of Entitlement” - so my ultimate solution is - Kill them with Kindness!   Favorite Maine lobster restaurant! No room for phones and properly bibbed for our 6 lb. lobsters!! Positive etiquette example: Ed and I went to dinner at our favorite French restaurant for his birthday.  Petit Louis   is the epitome of polite! They all smile with sincerity and remember you and your date of birth/anniversary. They are gracious and go out of their way to make you feel warm and welcome. The staff is superb. They look in your eyes when they talk and cater to your every need. It’s a sublime dining experience. The patrons are all return customers, noticeably well off and maintain a veneer of etiquette in this establishment. It’s swanky but casual. No one was on their cell phones the entire time we were dining. Everyone was engaged in conversation with their table-mates. The Stepford Family atmosphere is initially a touch creepy, but we warm up quickly to this cultured environment and enjoyed eachother's company and our meal. Strangely, as I got up to go to their (spotless) bathroom - I walked slower, more gracefully and grew an inch taller. Dining with the rich can be a learning and invigorating experience for everyone. I highly recommend it because these people know how to spell etiquette!!   If everyone had a semblance of politeness when in public (or driving) – then our world would be a much sweeter and safer place to live in.    If you are feeling invisible or irrelevant or just in a bad mood – take the time to show your appreciation when someone assists you or waits on you by stopping, putting down your cell phone, looking them in the eye and say, “Thank you so much! I appreciate it.”  You'll both feel much better for it!   I want to thank my mom, grandmother, sister, aunts, current mother-in-law and all the other women in my life that have taught me basic etiquette and grace. You are and will always be my Super Hero’s! If you want even more info on menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 31 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years. My doctor appointment  and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, crazed polite older women and followers.   Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

My first Christmas! I think mom put me under the tree as a gift! But for whom? Santa?? All I want for Christmas above and beyond my two Front Teeth! My wish list for Santa! I’m trying to remember if I ever wrote a list of wishes and mailed a letter to Dear Santa Claus when I was a child. Those years are a bit fuzzy now. I’m assuming I did, because of my fetish for writing my mom daily notes (selfish demands) and chronicling my deepest darkest secrets in a diary (5 horrific years were designated to a bon fire) for a large portion of my adulthood. My obsession with pen-to-paper evolved - hence a published mini-menopausal memoir, book 2 murder mystery draft and my 37th blog post. Your welcome! For a holiday chuckle - check out my “ Holi-Geddon – Funniest Holiday Memories ” blog! To this day I jot down daily to-do notes - to myself! I gave up writing my husband notes because he never reads them – his loss! Unlike my mother, who laughed at my crazed demands and filed them away to torture me once I reached maturity. She gave them to me in my early 50’s – at Xmas – and forced me to read them aloud for a crowd of relatives. Payback is a hilarious but humiliating b**ch! Our first Xmas tree as a married couple! Matching Santa Hats! So, it only makes sense that I write a letter to Dear Santa as we approach the holiday - of all my old age wishes. Just because I’m 66 doesn’t mean I don’t have a Xmas bucket list! I need a beloved, trustworthy, equitable and seasoned legend to hear my meager pleas in this bizarre and chaotic world we are allowed to reside in (for now!). I no longer go on blind faith and require proof that he exists!   I’m not sure I made his “Good” list, but I’ll take my chances. If I didn’t, I’m sure it’s primarily because of my self-absorbed potty mouth! I will find out on Xmas morning if I'm naughty or nice!!   My Salt & Pepper homage to Santa Claus! Dear Santa, (Or do you prefer Mr. Claus?)   It’s been decades since I’ve written to you. Nothing personal – but aging and cynicism prevented me from believing in your fabled and magical celebrity. My husband and I just watched the movie “ Elf ” for the umpteenth time, and it jump-started my rusted cold black heart amidst much grinding, smoking and spluttering, while also making my eyeballs leak. Disturbed and intrigued by this event, I had a sudden compulsion to stop being so “Hum-Buggery” and contact you directly before I run out of time - literally. I’m sure you can appreciate my senescent trepidation, since you are the venerable old age of 1,754!! I’m confidant that even you have questioned your existence over the centuries. For our first Xmas as a couple - we went full Celtic! Ed got distracted by the cleavage ornaments! Apparently, he loved my necklace! My awkward family Xmas photo! Braces, homemade sack dress and white knee lengths! Enjoy the laugh! Dear Santa, as I’ve aged, I believe Christmas has mutated into a commercialized sham with greed as its core doctrine. Consumerism at its worst. They Ho, Ho, Ho all the way to the bank. I’m not talking about Mom & Pop stores but the Mega-Retailers – the corporate machines - that make the Grinch look like an adorable baby goat. The magic of Christmas has transformed into a gilded corporate logo. Its initial origins have been relegated to an annual church pageant. Advertising for Xmas now begins in early October. Halloween and Thanksgiving are minor holiday lead-ins to the real money maker in December. Everyone starts to panic and morph into  Mad Max   mode – battling for the trendiest toy or fad - to the DEATH! With smeared greasepaint and spiked mohawks - last minute mobs descend upon every mall in the US – the two weeks leading up to Xmas. Nerves are frayed and moods shift to the dark (naughty) side. The “Joy of Christmas” is but an illusion. My youthful memories were of anticipated glee and excitement – not fear and loathing. My inner Scrooge   won the internal battle and for many years I have dreaded this Bah Humbug event. I’m tired of spending too much money on gifts that are rarely needed or appreciated. You must see my dilemma? How do I recapture that warm and fuzzy feeling of elation that I had as a child? Prove to me that this capitalistic, exploited holiday has worth and invaluable to our society.   The McIntosh defining characteristic - squinty eyes! Strangely, Mr. Claus, I still get the urge to sit on your lap when walking through the mall during the holiday – getting that Xmas photo op while whispering my wish-list into your ear, as you secretly cop a feel! Yes, I know he’s an imposter – but the urge remains! The child in my soul has weakened over time and I’m desperately trying to revive her and the seasonal spirit she embraced with unconditional enthusiasm and conviction. I want to believe that you live in the North Pole, that your staff are blissful toymaking elves, that reindeers are fueled by the Christmas spirit and fly you around the world while you Ho, Ho, Ho in your sleigh on the eve of December 24th - delivering all our wishes and dreams – displayed Xmas morning under a sparkly Xmas tree! This coming year (in particular) validates all my concerns, my fears and distresses. My wish list begins with these titanic issues.   My sweet dad - Santa's helper! I know your job is overwhelming, due to precision timing and coordination. I understand why you secure all the “Dad” support – donning a red and white stuffed costume, pom pom hat and fake white beard - while hefting a satchel of presents - to assist you as your holiday manifestation – keeping the holiday spirit operational and the magic stoked. You have a herculean job to perform and a vast enterprise to maintain! Elves eat a lot of sugar plums! I’ve also heard that Mrs. Claus has a shopping addiction!   As a child – I believed with all my heart – that you were real. The ritual of cutting down a fir tree in the woods and hauling it across pristine snowy mounds of fun, mom singing Xmas carols while pulling out all the boxes of decorations, covering every window and surface with red, green, white, silver and gold ornamentation - made the season burst into life in our humble home. Our house smelled of sugarary baked goods and pine the weeks leading up. We all helped trim the tree with anticipation of gifts forming colorfully wrapped pyramids underneath. We weren’t wealthy – but we felt rich in spirit. We all sneaked peaks at the gift tags to make sure we were equally represented – with an occasional torn corner accidentally appearing while looking for our favored Santa wish list toy. Exciting times!   Front row - Samantha Middle L to R - Jerry, Scott, Me, Bridget, Missy Back row - Xmas tree Back in the shadows is my brother Michael who hated our family photos - Love his disco pants! Dear Santa - I do have a few questions and concerns before we get to my Xmas wish list.  I know that we” better watch out” because you’re coming to town – but unclear if this is a visual thing or if you’ve gone (criminal) rogue?    When you say that we better not cry or we better not pout – that sounds a tad ominous! Why do you assume we’ll be crying or pouting on Xmas eve? Aren’t we supposed to be jubilant when you fly by? Is there something you’re not telling us? Are we going to be disappointed if we’ve had a momentary lapse in joy?? Ultimatums make me nervous!   Creepy Christmas Card from Santa! I understand that you like making lists and apparently  OCD  because you check them twice. I am also a proud OCD card carrier - but curious how you know if we’ve been naughty or nice? How do you monitor all of us - 365 days a year – 24/7? It seems very “ 1984 ” - Big Brother is watching you! This theory is supported by your admission that you see us when we’re sleeping and know when we’re awake!! It’s further reinforced that you somehow know when we’ve been bad or good! Then you passively aggressively remind us to be good for goodness sake – with an unspoken, “Or Else!” - attached to that menacing statement. Do you need a cookie?   I’m so confused and really creeped out! Did you make these rules or did a consortium of tired and angry parents steal your identity – jot down these musical threats - to keep us in line – under the guise of a sweet, misunderstood Xmas carol? If it is coming from you, then I may have to get a restraining order. No offense, Santa, but keep in mind that you don’t want the Orwellian surveillance society to “expunge” you from public record – right? Let’s all play nice, shall we!   Another Creepy Christmas Card from Santa! By the way – our chimney was bricked up by the previous naughty owners – so I’ve heard whispers that your alternative entry is via our windows. Should I crack one open for you? We live in Baltimore – so that makes me a little nervous during Christmas. Our dog, Tatertot, wakes up for any unknown night noises – so that could be problematic for you since he hates strange men sporting a pom-pom hat! Breaking and entering is a felony in our state – so do you have a safer option? Text me and I’ll meet you at the front door. Also, keep in mind we have Ring cameras - so no funny business! You don't want to end up on YouTube!   Dear Santa, I would appreciate a response to all the above concerns.   Time for my wish list!   Dear Santa! - Wish List: 1. Freedom from Tyranny  (you know who they are - they are all on your naughty list) 2. Add Empathy to all your rooty-toot-toots and rummy tum-tums! 3. Good Tidings for All  (not just the 1%) 4. Equality for All  (for example - Rudolph was teased and bullied by the other reindeer - disenfranchised by the herd – deprived from joining in reindeer games - but you gave him a chance and with some encouragement – he saved Xmas – just sayin) 5. Peace on Earth and Good Will towards Everyone – not just Men!  (they’ve had their Balls Jingled long enough! Mother Earth and ALL her inhabitants need it) 6. Joy to the World and Repeat the Sounding Joy (I need to find Joy in my life. I don’t know where she lives, but I want you to hunt that b**ch down!!!) 7. Make Hope Contagious  (or empathy, tolerance, kindness, you catch my drift!) 8. Create a Happy Pandemic  (finally a worthy virus to spread) 9. Please make my Daily Disappointments/Daily Rants/Things that Annoy Me – Mellow the Elf Out  (Being a Scrooge is exhausting) 10. All is Calm…All is Bright…Is it?  (there is not a lot of calm these days and not a lot of bright people either - educate the clueless and things will calm down)   A slave of the law! (Les Mis lyric) Add on Wish - No More Jury Duty  - I get called every year. I fit some algorithm that makes me a repeat customer – white/married/senior/somewhat educated/homeowner/woman! As I write this letter – I’m sitting in the quiet room - nervously awaiting my number (#2113) being called – feeling like Jean Valjean in  Les Misérables . My annual jury duty service is its own blog! I no longer want to dole out heaps of justice! Please take my name off their list!! I decided to take a walk and sit in my car for our jury lunch break - only to discover that I'd lost my car (and sense of humor). I spent my break searching two (attached) city parking lots – stopping every stranger that looked fairly intelligent (or not) and with minimal serial killer vibe - telling them I'd lost my car, what an idiot I am and how I hate growing old! They took cautious pity on me and found my car! I paid their kindness forward and gave them a holiday gift by providing them with a funny story at the dinner table! In my defense, a lunatic designed this maze disguised as a parking garage! Please make these senior moments stop or at least be less public! I know this Wish List is a tall order - but it's meant for everyone's benefit - not just mine. I could have added - no more hunger, no more abusers (to - spouse, child, pet, employee, old people, etc.), no more diseases, no more wars, etc etc. etc. But if you just inoculated everyone with EMPATHY - a lot of these major concerns would take care of themselves.   I’ll be watching out for you this holiday, Santa - on the NORAD site – tracking your every movement - while you deliver gifts around the world on 12/24/24. Let’s see how you feel about being “watched!”   If you are unable to fulfill my wishes – please submit a comprehensive accounting of your rationale for disputing my requests (demands). I appreciate your time and patience during this hectic holiday. I want to believe. Merry Christmas and have a relaxing New Years!   With Faded Fond Memories, Dazed and Confused in Baltimore - Colleen McIntosh   P.S. Xmas Humor - Deck the Halls but not your reindeer!! Fa la la la la, la la la la….   Send to:  Mr. Santa Claus North Pole Postmark Postmaster 4141 Postmark Drive Anchorage, AK 99530-9998   Just a normal Xmas with the family - making fun of my mother by drawing a face on our finger! (Read the story on my Holi-Geddon Blog!) A Christmas Poem If your husband is uncooperative this season, There's no point trying to reason, Just roast his “chestnuts” over an open fire, Making him oh so happy, while fulfilling his twisted desire!   Wishing all a Merry Little Christmas, Avoiding all capitalistic gravitas, May your hearts be light and your troubles out of sight, Happy Holiday to All and to All a Peaceful Night! You don't have to cut down an actual tree to celebrate Xmas! A Border Collie sporting a fabulous Xmas cape (tree skirt) will do just fine! Happy Holidays!! If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 36 more blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment  and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Great gift for the holiday - especially for men! Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, Santa Claus fans, superheroes and followers.   Let’s be Friends! Happy Holidays!! Colleen McIntosh

What does the word Woman mean? Queen Kong Mother F**ker! What does it mean to be a Woman? And the Survey Says……!   Woman – definition – noun – “an adult female person.” Man – definition – noun – “an individual human or adult male human." We aren’t even designated as an “individual human” status? WTF??   I  am a big fan of women! I am a woman! I talk a lot about being a woman in my book and blogs. I write a lot about being a menopausal woman. I wrote blogs about my mother, my sister/best friend, my local community/women’s group, etc. I have spent 66 years trying to define myself – as a woman – and as an “individual human being.” Finding purpose and self-worth is an ongoing project. I needed a little help from my female compatriots to see what they thought about: What does the word WOMAN mean?     She says with gritted teeth!! I decided this blog needed to be about womanhood and its meaning to the female faction - especially in our current environment. I’m personally struggling about this topic and our place in the universe. Half the world is female. So why am I struggling? Why are we so marginalized? We are not irrelevant, insignificant or powerless! It is time for some sisterhood affirmation ladies (and gentlemen)!   I took a small survey of 20 women – ages 30 thru 86, different geographical regions in the US, with and without children, single or married, employed, stay at home mother, retired, different financial brackets, different careers, etc. I’m still waiting for some reply’s because I selected this diverse group of women for a reason. Also, maybe some don’t want to answer my survey. (Disclaimer: Those who have taken this survey will remain anonymous for privacy reasons!!)   I also asked a second question involving personalized “pet peeves.”    To start this conversation – I’m going to quote a famous monologue from a recent popular movie:    “It is literally impossible to be a woman,” Gloria tells Barbie. “You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow, we’re always doing it wrong.   You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining.   You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So, find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.   I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us,” Gloria concludes. ”And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know.” Quote by America Ferrera from the movie “ Barbie ” BTW – I think I’m Weird Barbie!”   I enjoyed this movie, especially because it conveyed a message of women supporting woman power amidst all our struggles – even though this 65-year-old doll denoted the perfect body that we should aspire to and a cliched, sexualized toy for impressionable young girls! Millions of little girls dressed in pink and dragged their mommies to this movie. I hope they got the message and hold onto it throughout their lives. Of course, they never made a Barbie that looked like me!!! Mattel should make a “Menopausal Barbie” – sweating, tired, confused, angry, tearful, wrinkled and sagging. I would buy that doll!!!   Below are the two questions I asked the ladies: 1.     What word/words pop in your head when you hear or think of the word “Woman”? 2.     What are your Top 2 Pet Peeves about being a woman?   I asked these specific questions – because the answers to  Question 1  are antithetical/contrary to the  Question 2  answers. I’ll go through each person’s response and give my unsolicited commentary – so this will not be a short blog – too near and dear a topic for my cold black heart!   1st Respondent: 1 - nurturer 2 – a. being taken less seriously than men b. not being appreciated for their contributions to society   The word “nurturer” is repeated in the responses below and an apt word for – woman. Whether we procreate or not – we are genetically predisposed to nurture. We support, educate, encourage, nourish, mentor and advocate for others. Women are natural caregivers. We often don’t get credit for nurturing, but most don’t expect it. The problem being - the nurturer – often it’s not repaid in kind. The give and take are not always mutual but often mutually exclusive.    Hence, we look at her two pet peeves. “ Being taken less seriously then men ” is an ongoing battle (of the sexes). Work example: I know I can be frivolous and wacky, but it has nothing and everything to do with my work ethos. I am equally OCD about my work ethic as in my home. But being silly and funny on occasion brings levity to a droll, boring, robotic routine. I can’t sustain my sense of self in those kind of environments – so I broke the rules and paid dearly for it. A perfect example was near the end of my 21 years at my last job. I was talking to a client on the phone who I adored and is hilarious. She made me laugh out loud and my boss came flying around the corner and yelled, “No more laughing, no more fun!!! Get back to work!” I was shocked and the client heard his screeching bile. She replied to me, “Tell him to mind his own business!" (only with saltier language) I said to my rude boss, “I am talking to (name here).” He tried to cover his massive peevish faux pas and pretended he was joking – but he wasn’t – and both of us knew it. Every time I laughed from that point on – he screamed those words. So, I quit. Needless to say, no one should be treated this way. I was rarely taken seriously and always a second-class citizen in that toxic climate. The word  misogynist  fits this pet peeve response and many others.    What have women done to deserve this marginalized status? I’m surrounded by educated, intelligent, smart, talented, kind, funny women who deserve to be listened to and acknowledged. The world should hear their voices. We have come to expect men of a certain ilk to treat us less seriously – but surprised and dismayed when another woman does it. Shocks me every time! It could also be your children, family, friends, partner, co-workers, community or even the salesclerk that treats you as if you are invisible. Are these types of people so weak, jealous and insecure that we threaten their tender sensibilities and their position of imagined “power?”  We live on such a glorious planet but forced to participate in the “ Squid Game ” on a daily basis. I think I speak for a lot of women when I say, “I’m tired of this s**t! I deserve to be seen and heard!”   So, the second pet peeve, “ not being appreciated for their contributions to society ” goes hand in hand with the first peeve. If you aren’t taken seriously, then you apparently haven’t contributed. I think most people just want acknowledgement and recognition for achievements that are praiseworthy. Getting out of bed for some is an achievement – raising and nurturing children – running a department – saving lives – etc. etc. We all deserve a pat on the back and a simple, “Thank you!” every now and then. Mothers don’t even get paid or have time off!!!    2nd Respondent: 1 – my Mom 2 – a. the need to say “sorry. b. cramps   You deserve a little Wo-menoplause!!! Yes, moms are the epitome of womanhood. They are, after all, the human being who nurtured, struggled and carried us in their wombs for approximately 9 months – while still working and doing all the many tasks expected of them. Then they painfully, laboriously and with copious amounts of blood, fluids, screams and cursing - squeezed us out. Then they raised us, cleaned our poopy bottoms, wiped our tears, kissed our boo-boos, attended every school event, fed us, bathed us, clothed us, received our complaints and anger with kindness, applauded our growth and achievements, cleaned up our messes, assisted us in leaving the nest while they silently wept – often alone or with minimal assistance – only to be taken less seriously and with no recognition for this momentous accomplishment. This may be harsh – but I’m pretty sure I didn’t thank my mother very often unless it was in response to her fulfilling one of my many  demands . Moms are the unsung heroes of this world. Giving birth is a miracle, extremely brave and unlimited self-sacrifice – yet they are not truly recognized or seen for this heroism. They deserve a medal of honor! Women are goddesses and deserve that status – for giving us life!   When I read the pet peeve, “ the need to say “sorry ”, I wept. This is definitely a woman thing. While working I attempted to count how many times I said, “I’m sorry,” in a day – but lost count by mid-morning. I’m better than I used to be, but for decades felt I needed to apologize for existing. It makes me ill. We must learn to apologize only when absolutely necessary – like accidentally bumping into someone, if you were mean to someone unnecessarily, didn’t tell your mom how much you appreciated them, loudly farted in public, inadvertently hip-bumped your boss into an empty elevator shaft, etc. Basic etiquette. You should not be apologizing for breathing. But I know a lot of women who say “sorry” just to tame a situation, or because they’ve been demoralized so much that it’s an automatic response, or you feel invisible which qualifies as repentant when noticed. All young females need to be given a vaccine for the “sorry virus.” I know that women say this phrase more than men. Next time someone has an imaginary grievance that you have caused, don’t say, “I’m sorry…”, say, “Are you having a bad day? Do you need to talk?” I say this because 9 out of 10 times – that person is just sad, hurt and angry at something unrelated to your situation and needs some affirmation, a nappy or a hug.    We are cursed with periods twice. Getting them and losing them! The other pet peeve “ cramps ” is (and was) a woman’s burden to bear and highly unpleasant. It incapacitates a lot of women – but once again – society expects you to buck up and carry on. Mine were bad and my sisters were worse – so I agree and sympathize with this pet peeve - uncomfortable female affliction. It isn't considered an illness - so businesses don't consider "periods" as a reason to miss work (just like Menopause). It does eventually end but then you begin “The Menopause.” I will now say, “I’m sorry,” for reminding you of this eventual trauma. BTW – only women can handle menses and menopause – a man would be whining and mewling in a corner, curled up in a ball of cramps and crying for their Mommy! A man wouldn’t survive it!   3rd Respondent: 1 – badass, community, periods, underappreciated, collective, pantsuits 2 – a. when men tell me to smile b. when men assume I can’t do something smart/lift something heavy, etc.   I love all the chosen words describing the word “woman.” We are or have the potential to be “ Badass !” Women in my lifetime that come to mind are - Bette Davis in “All About Eve,” "Thelma and Louise" from the same named movie and Ruth Bader Ginsburg – a real life supreme Badass!!! These women made me feel powerful and hopeful. “ Community and Collective ” are synonymous with nurture – because we instinctively support, bond and emotionally/physically hold up our sisters/community – it takes a village. We nourish each other and with that sustenance we can endure. I’m forever grateful and humbled by my symbiotic collective of female power. As before,  under-appreciated  is a consistent theme in this survey. We take 5 steps forward and 8 steps back – an ongoing marathon for womankind!    “When men tell me to smile.”  How many women have heard this passive aggressive, insulting statement, “You’ll look prettier if you smile.” I’ve also had a man say this to me and my immediate reaction was to punch him in the face. However, that is frowned upon, so I said, “You’d be prettier if you shut up.” Give us something to smile about assholes!   The next peeve about – “ when men assume I can’t do something smart/lift something heavy, etc.”  – is a common grievance amongst women. I’ve written about this in my primate blogs . It drives women crazy – unless your Blanche Dubois. “I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers” and “I don’t want realism….” and “I can’t stand a naked lightbulb” are a couple famous lines in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” Women have evolved into Amazons in our micro-universes. We are self-sufficient, capable, smart – and have the ability to figure out and solve complex problems. Then why are men making assumptions that we can’t? I know some men (my husband) who just want to help. However, we have all experienced those men who treat us as if we are idiots and weak. F**k ‘em!!   You don't have to smile and wear a pantsuit to be powerful. Work that runway of life Beeyatch! ” Pantsuits ” response killed me!! She’s right – women invented the pantsuit to compete with men. These came about in the 60s because more women were joining the workforce and needed to contend with the "male power suit” in a male-dominated environment. Plus, pantsuits looked BadAss!! In the 21st century - we no longer need pantsuits to prove we are equally powerful!   4th Respondent: 1 – lots of power and NO Power 2 – a. I have to wear a bra everyday b. I am responsible to have food in the house and on the table – that’s my biggest pet peeve in my home   Great response – we have “ lots of power and NO Power. ” I’ve mentioned in my  Primates Blog  that women are powerful because we have what men want. Yes, Boobs and Sex! There are a lot of powerful women in business, societal status, government, icons – mothers. But somehow this power has limitations as a result of being female – hence “No Power.” Is there a solution or answer to this conundrum? We could get rid of all the old, rich, fat, white men or form the world’s biggest coven and hex everyone to their senses or we continue on with our communal mission of educating our children to be better people. The invisible threads of a nurturing collective will reap the positive intended results.   Bras are harmful to our health and back! “ Wearing a bra everyday ” is a spot on nuisance!!! As the day wears on, it becomes a torture device – just like the girdles of yore! Women’s undergarments have been the inventions of sadists for generations. It’s gotten better over the decades, but these contraptions still inflict harm – body and soul. Society frowns upon free, flopping, screaming nipples - boobs left to their own devices. Also, men couldn’t get anything done if we set these bouncing bosoms loose! But who cares about what men wish for! I think a “bra” should be invented to contain  their  wobbly bits and see how they like it!! Constraining, chafing, sweaty balls!!! I groan every night when I release my boobsey twins! They flop with Joy!!   “ Responsible to have food in the house and on the table ” has always been relegated to the female. I don’t have kids and lucky to have a husband who likes to cook and is good at it – but I am not the norm. After the grueling day most women endure – they are still expected to grocery shop, make a three-course meal in seconds that pleases everyone, set the table, serve, hear complaints and then clean up. WTF!!! I’ve trained my husband when I don’t feel like cooking, and he isn’t stepping up to the kitchen counter. I grab my nut bin and say, “I don’t feel like cooking – I’m having nuts for dinner! Fend for yourself!” He doesn’t argue and has free reign to eat a box of Kraft mac & cheese or eat junk food. I don’t care!!!   5th Respondent: 1 – tired 2 – a. menstrual cycles and everything related to them b. having to exist in late-stage capitalism and patriarchy   "I have power...I have No Power....I have power...I have No Power!!! Women often say in response to, “How ya doin?” with, “I’m  tired .” When I’m asked that question – I typically answer honestly – and tired is a frequent reply. It is exhausting being a woman and human being. For example, having lots of power and NO Power is debilitating! Women are machines of unlimited power – bearing and raising children, working, cleaning, shopping, cooking, planning, catering and being sexy for their partner (or not), etc. etc. The daily list/grind is endless. Like our equine friends – we are workhorses, racehorses, packhorses, warhorses, mounts, chargers and when we have to be - nags. No wonder we are all exhausted – being a horse is haaaarrrrd!   “ Menstrual cycles and everything related to them ” is every girl/woman’s bane. No wonder they called it “The Curse!” Negative connotation for a natural physiological function – but biblical in its implications. Like cramps – we all struggle through this monthly female affliction – but we carry on because we are stronger than our tribulations. Once again, sorry about the follow up to menses, which is – The Menopause .   “ Having to exist in late-stage capitalism and patriarchy ” – this menace is a much larger topic and deserves its own blog. Women are often relegated to powerless oppressed positions and enduring capitalism and patriarchy on top of what we normally deal with day to day – is almost too much to bear. I'm raging and depressed as I write this! Tolerance is not an option. I personally will never bend the knee – but fully expect to pay for the repercussions. So, have a good sobbing purge! Dab those eyes. Wipe that snot. Stand tall. Suck that core in, and scream, “I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this   Capitalism and Patriarchy Shit anymore!!”   Don't F**k with me.....I'm a woman on the edge!! 6th Respondent: 1 – strength 2 – a. not being taken seriously b. your value shouldn’t be aligned with your relationship to a man (daughter, wife, sister, mother)   I'm going to "Warrior Pose" my way to gender equality!! Strength is mentioned a few times – symbolical and synonymous when defining the word – Woman. Our strength(s) have no bounds. Mothers protecting their children, women leaving an abusive relationship or job, women supporting other women, etc. etc. I could go on and on with examples of how strong we are – but we already know that. We are all Mama Grizzlies when it comes to others – and we bite! I want to see the day when every woman on the planet rises up and makes a gender stand for equality. What a beautiful and powerful image!   Not being taken seriously  happens more often than others (men) can imagine. I talk a lot about my formative years and being called silly, inane and gullible. It got a smidge better as I’ve passed the mid-century mark – but still happens. I’ll include some “dishonorable mentions” of male reactions to something I’ve suggested or said during my adult years and will never forget (or forgive). “You’re being ridiculous!” “What’s wrong with you?” “You’re over-reacting.” "You're hysterical!" "Calm down." “Hmmmm…. No, that would never work.” “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” Yes, on quite a few occasions, the male I was speaking to fell asleep during our conversation. Alerted by the snoring mid-sentence – I sat there, shifted gears, stared at him with cold dead eyes and started planning his demise or grab a sharpie and draw a penis on his face! Thank god women are strong – because I prevented myself from poisoning his much needed coffee!!   This lack of respect and assumptive attitude that we are not important enough to listen to or be taken seriously is getting real tired . Wake up guys!!   This segues perfectly with the 2nd pet peeve -  your value shouldn’t be aligned with your relationship to a man.  I saw this a lot growing up in the 60’s/70’s. “Wives should be barefoot and pregnant – in the kitchen” or “wives should be seen and not heard” - was the male anthem. Apparently, it still is to some extent. I’ve heard recently that there is a generation of young males in the US that believe these ancient cliches should be re-established as the norm in our society. This terrifies me! What century do we live in? What’s next – cave man mentality? What segment of women are teaching this heresy? Obviously, silent wives who are barefoot and pregnant – in the kitchen!!! Shame on you!    7th Respondent: 1 – strong 2 – a. assumption that a woman is moody/unpredictable b. still a world of the glass ceiling   There’s that word again –  strong ! Just add that to your resume or CV!!   OMG – “ assumption that a woman is moody/unpredictable”  – irritates the snot out of me. How many times have you heard, “She must be on her period!!” It’s as if those two words – moody/unpredictable – are associated only with the female race. Ironically, I have close family, friends and acquaintances of the male persuasion that are incredibly moody and unpredictable!!! Some are downright terrifying! This is just another passive aggressive and weak excuse men tell themselves to feel better about themselves!   “ The glass ceiling ” unfortunately still exists in 2024. The unspoken but acknowledged barrier that prevents women (and minorities) from advancements in our professions – maintains to this day. Rising above a certain level of hierarchy is almost impossible unless you dispose of your male competition – by lying, cheating and stealing - like they do. If you can’t kill them, join them? Stooping to their level is beneath us - because we are better people!   8th Respondent: 1 – fierce, courageous, beautiful, loving 2 – a. hormones b. mansplaining   Let’s break this one down: a.      Fierce  – not the first thing we usually resort to – but if pushed to the edge – we will fight to the death. We also have a ferocious need to protect our loved ones.  b.     Courageous  – we have no choice but have courage – because we are our own champions. Pick your battles wisely. c.      Beautiful  – it’s nice to have a pleasant exterior – but real beauty comes from within. Light the world with your fierce soul! d.     Loving  – our love fills the void that binds.   Here’s an excerpt from my book on the first pet peeve topic, aptly titled:  Hormones “ or lack thereof . . .    My husband calls them, “Whore Moans!” What does that mean? No Money—No Workey? Hmmm . . .  Whore Moans! Without balanced hormones—we are just hairy eunuchs with sagging boobs and an attitude.   Progesterone and Estrogen—where did they go? Did our biological clock run out of batteries? Did my ability to procreate and enjoy sex expire? Fuck, Yeah!   This mysterious female hormonal necessity seems to evaporate overnight. I didn’t realize how much I missed hormones until they were gone. This metamorphosis, from youth to decline, is the impetus which leads us to everything in this menopausal memoir.   Hormones helped rein in the crazy, maintained a taut skin suit and occasionally made me horny. I’ve now lost the ability to care.   Apparently, there are drugs and treatments you can take to get your life back—only to cut it short because the drugs can kill you! I recommend talking to a professional.   Menopause is a parasite that catapults us into a chemical body and mind take-over. The ongoing plight of female aging begins with menopause!”   Here’s a quote from my blog that humorously conveys one of my personal pet peeves and this respondent as well -  mansplaining : Quote from –  How to Communicate with Your Primate. Deciphering the Chatter ! “10.  How to Stop Your Primate from “Ape-splaining!” – This is an almost incurable disease and will be my hurdle to overcome for the rest of my life. You must remind yourself that they believe with every hair-follicle of their being, that they are the smartest primate in the room. Often, they are right – but not always. One of my favorite self-quotes is, “Just because you’re educated, doesn’t mean you’re smart!!” I came up with this nugget due to all the “Ape-splaining” I’ve had to endure for 65 years!!! If I’m wrong or need help with something – I am the first one to admit defeat. But male primates will never relinquish their smart status. It can be mind-bendingly irritating – but since creation – it is their nature. Women's burden to bare!! BTW - If I want to bring my primate down a peg or two - I ask him how to spell a word. His eyes glaze over and he starts trying to spell it under his breath, sometimes using fingers like he's counting - only to admit he doesn't know how to spell "hirsute" and knuckles off to play with his tools. Small but gratifying victory.  The best way to deal with this? Don’t argue with Captain Obvious. Don’t waste your energy because they refuse to lose this game of intellect. I recommend you let them primate-ificate until they run out of steam. Nod occasionally, but once again, don’t commit. Once they feel safe that you’re convinced of their “Superior Primate Brain Dominance” – you are free to do whatever you want – because they have short attention spans. If it’s a major decision that affects you both – do your homework and spreadsheet them to death. Excel is your strategic line of defense. Primates don’t know how to type."   9th Respondent: 1 – strong and nurturer 2 – a. being dismissed (not feeling seen or heard) b. chauvinism (did I really just use that word in the year 2024??!!)   Yes, strong and nurturer. This common thread should hit home by now on how much strength and compassion and love we have in our hearts and souls to nurture those around us. Once again, I’m proud and humbled to belong to this sisterhood.   “Being dismissed – not feeling seen or heard”  – is an ongoing theme in my book and blogs. It’s an extension of so many of the pet peeves listed.    I wrote about feeling dismissed  – under extenuating circumstances – in my blog – quote below:  Our Bodies, Our Minds, Ourselves..Invisibility is my Superpower !   “Invisibility is my Superpower!!! In my later years, I’ve met people on the sidewalk that make me jump out of their way – as if I’m incorporeal. This happens more often as you age. For example: I was standing in line at a Macy’s (the slowest check out in the world!) and an older white man cuts in front of me. The female snails-clerk (yes I meant to spell it that way) acted as if this is normal and waits on him. She completely ignored the fact that myself and the woman behind me had been standing there for 20 mins. So I loudly said, “WOW! I’m Invisible!! Fantastic!!! I have a Super Power!!!!!" The rude guy turned and looked down his nose at me with mild disdain and probably wondered who was talking – because I’m invisible. The snails-clerk just sniffed in a huff because it made her feel important. The woman behind me burst out laughing – because she was also invisible but could see me! We laughed and talked about how discourteous people can be and how slow Macy’s checkout is. The moral of this story is that invisibility is stronger in numbers.   I use the term "invisibility" because it not only alludes to being treated like you are, in reality, invisible, but also includes those who treat you like your whole existence can be disregarded because they deem you invisible. Taking away all your power and self-worth in a couple of words or actions. Well, I know what I’d do if I was invisible and these self-important, ignorant people would not be happy about it! “Pantsing” a narcissist is always funny! Invisibility can also be helpful in a Zombie Apocalypse!!”   In my book I mention being dismissed/not seen/not heard and one of my responses to the person denigrating me was, “Don’t F**k with me, (name here)! I’m a woman on the edge!” He certainly heard and saw me – as did everyone else. I felt fantastic afterwards!   Sometimes wearing a clown costume helps and often terrifying!!   BTW –  chauvinism  exists in 2024. This f**king superiority complex is pissing me off! Remember the book, “ The Scarlet Letter ?” How about we make every chauvinist wear a huge C with the image of a pig in the center on his chest. It might not cure them of this over-inflated mental illness – but it would make women happy!!   10th Respondent: 1 – mature female 2 – a. we are weak and need a man to take care of us b. men continue to be promoted more in business                  Mature female  is apt – because women are usually the grownup in any room!    There is  nothing   weak  about women – especially if we are fully realized and believe in ourselves. Another topic covered in my Primates Blogs. Men want us to be the weaker sex so they can primp and preen in front of all the other apes in their social structure and prove their superiority while beating their chests with testosterone-induced pride! Just read, “ Lord of the Flies ” – which gives you a glimpse into a society without women and their disastrous attempts at governing themselves.    Like the  “glass ceiling ” peeve above – men will “ continue to be promoted more in business ” until the world comes to its senses. Don’t hold your breath – but I still live with hope in my heart!   11th Respondent: 1 – the word woman makes me think – strong, intuitive and empathetic 2 – a pet peeve is the way women are treated in the medical system. Everything is dismissed as either anxiety or the need to lose weight   The word  strong  again. I loved her descriptors –  intuitive and empathetic . You could even say that women are intuitively empathetic. I believe most women innately feel and see things on a visceral level that the male gender lacks. And if you truly listen to your gut and trust your instincts – then empathy would naturally comingle with intuition.    I also need to point out the lack of  empathy  in our world and has been for centuries. This word needs its own blog. There should be a class taught in our formative years – in every school - the meaning of empathy . Think about it!   I thought the first pet peeve was a very interesting concern. She is right when it comes to women’s medical issues and how we are treated by the  medical community .    As I’ve aged, the pat answer to any of my fears and issues has been, “You’re getting Old or You have OLS – Old Lady Syndrome!” It’s insulting to me, my intelligence and my bodily concerns. Menopause is a perfect example. Please read my book! Also, I’ve written 2 blogs about my medical appointments and analyses – “ You’re Getting Old ” and “ Battle Scars of an Aging Woman ” – plus many more blogs about what it’s like being a woman!    I know that we’ve progressed since the “women having the vapors” stage – but not far enough! And she’s right when she says, “ Everything is dismissed as either anxiety or the need to lose weight. ” OMG! How many doctors have dismissed women because they think they are being hysterical or overly anxious! And when are they going to stop body-shaming everyone who isn’t a size 0.    12th Respondent: 1 – strong and mother 2 – a. accommodating others b. waiting   “ Strong and mother! ” I wrote a blog about my  mother   – and the strength it took to raise 5 kids when she was a child herself. Women must be strong. Look at all that we endure – but we keep going. Because we are strong! Look at all the respondent answers above.    “ Accommodating others ” seems to be a persistent issue in a lot of women’s lives – as if your needs and desires are not as important as theirs. When I talk with female family and friends – this is an ongoing conversation – that never gets resolved. Because that would mean that all the people being accommodated would have to be accommodating in kind to the person accommodating them! Sort of an oxymoron! Because women accommodate more than others – we are also being taken advantage of and taken for granted. It’s a vicious cycle. If you stop accommodating – then you are considered rude or uncaring. If you point out that you feel taken for granted – then you sound like a whining petulant bitch-child. There’s no win-win. I think the only solution is cutting the umbilical cord of life and just say NO. Sometimes that one word can be power!   Meditating on the word - No! “ Waiting ” peeve cracked me up. My first husband loved to make me wait. I am always on time or more often - early. I love to get to the airport 2-3 hours before boarding – because the alternative makes me physically ill. So, for 5 years I was vomiting anxiety daily. Not all “late” people are passive aggressive – but I seem to be a PA magnet. They are parasitic in nature and thrive on other people’s stress, fears and pain. I think that white lies can be beneficial in this particular case. Pad the time in your favor when planning – so you can relax while they freak out about being early!   Before I tell you my survey responses – I want all of you to go to  Barbra Streisand’s link   and read her famous speech from 1992. It is worth the read! http://barbra-archives.com/bjs_library/90s/elle-women-speech.html   It's my turn to weigh in on my survey on - What Does the Word Woman Mean? 1 – superhero and empathy - our superpowers!  What are my 2 Pet Peeves about being a Woman? I have a few!! 2 – passive aggressive men/people, mansplaining, condescension, being ignored, given advice when I didn’t ask for it, correcting me when I’m NOT WRONG but refusing to admit I was RIGHT   I’ve already expounded on most of these peeves and woman descriptors. From the bottom of my heart – I believe - “Every woman in this universe is a  Super Hero !   WE ARE ALL SUPER HEROES!!! Women - the Super-ior Race!   What’s it like being a woman? It’s tough as shit! Did you notice that no one mentioned the words "feminine" or "sex kitten" - because those would have been brought up in a Male Survey!   We are the world’s empaths! Without empathy our world would die!   So don’t be a hermit crab, like your aging bellybutton, gather your female compatriots and storm every castle you encounter!   Find your voice!! You are not invisible! I hear you! I see you!!! If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 33 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment  and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, marginalized women, superheroes and followers.   Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

The main image I chose for this blog is my Great Aunt Viola. A one-of-a-kind woman who decided to have her picture taken by a local professional, but only had one earring - and decided one was better than nothing! She wrote on the back of the picture, "Best gift ever only one ear ring Church Pitcher" Aunt Viola never used punctuation and the worst speller - but hilarious and my favorite Aunt!! Aunts are highly underestimated and underrated – especially when they’re sick! More on that later!   I’m not only an Aunt but a Great Aunt! I'm great fun but also a great pain in the ass. Aunts can be a confidante, quasi-parent, mentor, role model, safety net, supporter or just a loud crazy woman who visits on occasion. Being the Middle Child of 5 puts me in a unique position age-wise. I am ready for all my siblings to call on me to assist in distracting their children and children children's!   Definition of Aunt: (I pronounce it änt – rhymes with gaunt or daunt): " The sister of one’s father or mother or the wife or female partner of one’s uncle."   Informal definition: " An unrelated adult female, especially of a child. Legal definition: The sister of one’s father or mother, and a relation in the third degree, correlative to niece or nephew."   Wow! Those definitions seem to convey detachment and irrelevance. If you look up the “significance of an aunt” – you get the following: " An aunt listens objectively, provides real life advice and does not turn it into a lecture. Aunts are great mediators for children, whether “terrible twos” or their “rebellious teenager” stage. Mothers, daughters, fathers and sons are bound to clash at some point." Then why does no one ask me to mediate or spew pearls of wisdom? Apparently, no one knows the significance of an AUNT or else my “pearls” are FAKE!   My personal definition of an aunt is: "An aunt (me) is a sibling’s sister who is childless and the only childless member of the (our) family unit – who is always available for their nieces and nephews, no matter the distance - but rarely needed. An aunt is meant for comic relief and cuddles when requested. Aunts are desperate for affection and traumatized when rejected. Aunts are not a part of the sibling’s family inner circle but clings to the periphery and accepts the scraps thrown their way" That kind of sums it up!! (Note: no ill intention directed to any sibling or children of sibling in this self-defined pathetic diatribe)   Famous Aunts in history and film/TV and fame –  Auntie Mame - the musical “Mame” – unconventional, outré, creative, selfish, low self-esteem but desperate for someone to love and nurture Auntie Em - “Wizard of Oz” – staid, strong, solid but tired Aunt May - “Spiderman” – cool, loving, unwavering and mom Aunt Bea - “The Andy Griffith Show” – OCD, authoritative, house police, cook, cleaner and unmarried, childless Aunt Jackie - “Roseanne/The Connors” – funny, wacky, unable to live up to older sister and low self-esteem Aunt Patty & Selma - “The Simpsons” – tough, grumpy, happily childless, alcoholic, smoker and hard as nails sarcastic Aunt Lydia - “The Handmaid’s Tale” – passive aggressive, lonely, liar, unhappy, cruel, punisher and succubus for rich white men in power Aunt Clara - “Bewitched” – hilarious, discombobulated, eccentric, befuddled, distracted, perplexing and flabbergasting - closest character description of “ME” but I have most of the other Aunt traits (except Aunt Lydia!!).   I took a siesta from blogging for a month because I was enlisted by my niece and nephew to be Babysitter Number 2 in Maine for two weeks. I was Aide-de-camp to my sister - Nana to two toddlers – ages 4 & 2. This mission – which I chose to accept – was a harsh lesson in reality. Aging is the enemy of youth. The expression, "It takes a village...." is apt. We had five women in the house at one point and still chaos reigned! I was given a mouthful of humble pie during my two-week mission. I was barely able to fulfill my obligation after catching the "Bangor Flu/Cold” on day three and it made the tot-post much harder than it should have been. I’ve been home for four days and still not fully recovered. Age and a lingering illness have brought me down a peg or two. My sister texted me yesterday, “I think 69 is the new tired.” I agreed that (at 66) it’s never taken this long to recover (ill or not). I also woke up in the middle of the night a couple days ago weeping. Not to disturb Ed, I got up and went to the bathroom and sobbed while sitting on the toilet. I don”t know why – but I suspect I was crying because my babysitting was sub-par and as a result, less fun for my great nieces, not as helpful to my sister, sad for my lost youth and some personal life decisions/regrets thrown in for fun.  Also, my sister and I spent our birthdays babysitting. The kids enjoyed the cupcakes! I sang "Happy Birthday to Us" silently because I'd lost my voice and we couldn't have cared less about growing a year older! My new name was: “That Woman!” For the first few days, I kept hearing, “Who’s “That Woman?” “Why is “That Woman” still here?” “Can you tell “That Woman” to come play with me?” etc. At first I couldn't figure out who they were talking about. I eventually admitted they were referring to me and I commandeered my niece, Dani, to explain my position in the family structure and teach the tots my real name, “Aunt Colleen” or “Auntie 2.” Dani is Auntie 1 (and deservedly so). We blew their little minds when I said that I was their Nana’s (Bridget’s) younger sister. They probably thought I was the eldest! They finally got my name right – but it wasn’t set in cement. The 2-year-old doesn't handle "L's" very well.   I was devastated when I woke up with a sore throat on day three. The “Bangor flu/cold” began in the throat and then gleefully migrated to my sinus’s and also included my chest/lungs for shits and giggles. I may have contracted this disease from the long flight up to Maine – but both tots were part-way through their version. My mild fever kindly broke day four but my other symptoms included - sensitive skin, achy, constant blowing unimaginable viscous fluids from my nose, nose bleeds after an enthusiastic dance to “Let it Go – from Frozen” with my 2-year-old great niece, continuous coughing (especially at night), dizziness, blacked out after twirling my great nieces around 20 times, lost my voice for 3 days and then vocalized like a squeaky-toy for 6 more. I lost my sense of humor until the last two days of babysitting and sick right up to leaving for another long-delayed flight home. To add insult to injury, I got an “unmentionable” on my lip two days after I arrived home, was told by my dentist that I need a crown replaced and I got my annual jury summons for the holidays! I’m pretty much over the plague that befell me in Maine – but it took 4 days to recover from the trauma of being ill during my precious visit with my sister, niece, mom, cousins and especially the two rarely seen great nieces. My sobbing on the toilet was probably from being pissed off that I contracted a lengthy illness and it’s affecting/undermining the time spent with all the people I love while in Maine. It sucked being sick and horrible timing. I can’t afford to fly up to Maine whenever I want, so I have high expectations for those annual visits. I didn’t feel well – but I used all my meager resources to help babysit my two beautiful nieces and to take up the slack for my beautiful sister. I failed at robot-teeth-brusher (too hard to explain). It took me two weeks to understand that toddlers prefer doing everything by and for themselves and get very cranky if you try to help. Always let them win at Candyland, dodge ball, red light/green light - any game. When there is a melt-down – don’t make eye contact and quietly back out of their personal space. Ignore the insults and rejections. When they decide to scream/squeal with ear-shattering delight – just smile while your ears bleed and your mind turns to mush - while also remaining erect and not collapsing into a fetal position. Cherish every unsolicited hug and kiss - store it away to relive over and over while sobbing on the toilet!    The most challenging and yet fascinating observation was their obsession with Band-Aids. The first time the 4-year-old took a tumble and skinned her knees was traumatizing but she recovered quickly once she had the box of designer Band-Aids in her little grip. The 2-year-old was hovering while exclaiming that she too needed a Band-Aid. The box of preciious Band-Aids was dumped onto the rug and the boo-boos (real or imaginary) were sufficiently covered for the next half hour! This activity periodically popped up if they assumed they had a “wound” when they tripped or tumbled. One of the imagined boo-boos did not result in a bloody mess but the 4-year-old insisted she needed a Band-Aid. The 2-year-old said, “No blood, no Band-Aid.” Shocking coming from that adorable little mouth and hilarious at he blunt triage analysis! Apparently, this preoccupation with sticky cartoon designed bandages has been an ongoing discussion in this household. I voiced my suspicions to my sister that there must be a hidden closet somewhere filled to the rafters with boxes of Band-Aids to assuage the veteran tots. There’s an idiom: “A hill you’re willing to die on!” that applies here. My sister called it, “Band-Aid Hill!” The adults decided that the Band-Aid frenzy was NOT a hill we wanted to die on!!   Toddlers are a tough crowd, but I was so happy and thrilled (inside) to be spending time with them. My primary goal was and is for them to know my name.    What I took away from this two-week assignment? I’m essentially at the Pre-K level with my limited knowledge of babysitting toddlers and how to handle and understand the mindset of two intelligent little ladies. I resorted to using the 4-year-old as my personal translator for the 2-year-old. I was useless but did my best considering I was ill and ill-equipped for this job.   We did have a lot of fun adventures – seeing them in their school environment and blossoming, toy store shopping, pumpkin picking, goat-feeding, ice cream bliss, tasty home-cooked meals, fantastic BBQ and lobster roll meals, movie/TV time (Frozen and Bluey), chicken feeding, daily art projects, trampoline   park/warehouse bouncing amok (including adults), visits to Nana’s (sister) and Grampy’s cool Halloween decorated apartment, more ice cream bliss, gymnastics (the 4-year-old is really good at it), grocery shopping toddler chases, spending time with my sister on our birthdays and Spirit Halloween shopping with scares and giggles. Fun times!   Never underestimate toddlers. My two great nieces are a force of nature and wield unnatural abilities of mind-melding acuity. I decided early on – if you can’t beat ‘em then just do their bidding – and all will be copacetic! At 66, sick and with defenses weakened – I bowed to their fierce and extraordinary natures. They wore Princess outfits daily for God's sakes – so how could I NOT bend the knee!!   Toddlers are scary smart these days – without TV and social media influences – too opinionated and too darn cute!!! If I’d pushed back – I would have been eaten up and spit out like the cold noodles with sesame sauce I made – and they didn’t approve of. I decided that my inability to bear children was a sign that I couldn’t have handled a toddler (let alone a teen) and was meant to be childless. I will carry the mantle of Aunt with pride and relief! The toddlers are running the asylum and the elderly (staff) must obey!!   Would I do it again? In a heartbeat. All they had to do was smile at me and I melted. Those moments of acknowledgement became my “Crack.” I just hope it’s not two years before the next invitation. I’m desperate for them to know me. Also, my memory retention is a menopausal and aging issue! I want to remember too!! Plus, I’d be close to 70 for the next babysitting adventure!! I’ve begun training camp for this potential invitation!   FYI – per parental instructions – I am not posting pictures of my great nieces (except my doodle drawings). Social media rules apply, and I always abide by their restrictions. I have only provided photos of adults (me) if applicable.   Aunts do provide a service in every family unit. Not necessarily in the higher echelon of hierarchy but still valuable as a fill-in. I have many aunts – 5 from my parents – and many great aunts (of which I know only a portion). I love all of them (except Aunt Celia-see previous blog)  but I do have a favorite. My Great Aunt Viola. I personally strive to be like her and step into her worn farmer footwear. Maybe one of my nieces and nephews will opt for me as their “favorite aunt” and hope to follow in my black combat boots. I may not have kids, but I certainly act like one. I would hope that one will be encouraged to try acting, singing and/or writing. Comic relief is my specialty, and I have some hilarious nieces and nephews!  Aunt Viola is a character and one-of-a-kind human being. She’s hilarious even when she’s not intending to be. Her personal chronicles are legendary. She was larger than life, brash, outspoken, exuberant, funny, passionate and unapologetic for being herself. She was a unique individual - full of life and love. She was even funny when she was angry. Aunt Viola had a contagious giggle, an enthusiasm for being alive and a robust outlook on being self-sufficient. Her spirit will live on in our hearts. She collected frogs – in the ceramic family (I have two of her Frog S&P's ). She would make you homemade donuts when you visited. She braided rugs out of all left over material and clothing. We all coveted her rugs and honored if given one. She was religious but ribald. She would help anyone in need and give you the shirt off her back and not care if she was only wearing a bra (or no bra). I adored her. We all adored her. When Bridget and her family moved to Northern Maine and lived next door to her – Aunt Viola became their substitute grammy. They took care of each other and relished the close relationship built by proximity. Her hoarse, loud voice made us all smile because she was endless entertainment and joy. Was she perfect? No – but her imperfections made her special and if she wasn’t always current and sometimes non-PC – then she was open for debate while still maintaining her core values and respecting yours. I miss her whimsy but cherish knowing such a unique, strong woman.    My mom and sister have more stories than I do – but I’ll relate a couple that encapsulate her quirkiness and her joie de vivre.    Story 1 : Aunt Viola drove a pickup truck. But it was in the shop due to her erratic driving (see stories below). She loved her independence. She borrowed a neighbors red family car to go grocery shopping. They were very nice and trusting people. She could be a bit scattered at times. I think (like me) that her mind was always racing and sometimes made her forgetful in her older age. She went to the grocery and upon returning to the red car – found one and got in – doors already unlocked. She was a little surprised that they had automatic seatbelt fasteners - but shrugged it off. There were keys in the ignition – so she started the car and took off in a cloud of dust. When she got home the neighbors asked her where their car was? She replied, “Out front in the driveway!” They said, “That’s not our car!!” Viola also had their keys in her purse – but didn’t even consider she’d taken the wrong car – they were both red!! The neighbors proceeded to call the police, but they had already been alerted by the irate person who had their car stolen in the grocery parking lot. In the meantime, my sister talked to Viola, and she said, “I hope that the cop who stopped me for speeding through Washburn last week isn’t the one who comes for the red car!” Bridget told her not to mention that particular incident. The minute the cop arrived, Aunt Viola screeched, “Hey, you’re the cop who stopped me for speeding in Washburn last week!!” (Sigh) The cop knew Aunt Viola and not surprised but sorted things out for her – sans jail time.   Note – growing up - people from northern Maine left their cars unlocked, keys in the ignition and their homes unlocked. I’m surprised more cars weren't accidentally "stolen" every day!!   Story 2 : During a snowstorm or snowy roads, Aunt Viola went off the road and hit a telephone pole, backed up and kept on driving. Shortly after, she ran into my Grandparents in town and they took one look at her and asked with much concern, “Viola, are you okay? You have glass in your hair and blood on your face!!” Apparently, Viola had slammed her head into the windshield and never noticed the massive cracked and broken glass!! She was a terror on the roads of Northern Maine – especially to herself!   Story 3 : The woman’s club was meeting at my sister, Bridget’s, for a Halloween costume party. Viola was running late, but so excited to show off her handmade costume to the ladies. She squealed into Bridget’s driveway and ran into the house. They were all having a great time when Kelly (cousin) arrived and asked, “Is that pickup truck on the front lawn part of your Halloween decorations?” No – Aunt Viola had forgotten to put her truck in park! BTW – her pickup truck was stuck on their front lawn or in their ditch a few times!!!   Story 4 : Aunt Viola was driving to church one Sunday, when the car behind started beeping and then pulling up alongside her truck. She was getting mad at this irritating driver (who she knew) and refused to let them pass. She eventually squealed into the church parking lot with the car following right behind. The reason – the other driver had seen her rear tire fly off and she kept driving with three wheels!! They were trying to help! She never even noticed the wonky driving! Wonky being the operative word for Aunt Viola!   There are so many stories – but you see the pattern emerging – because a lot of the stories involved her unique (dangerous) driving skills! They kept renewing her license every year – so who’s to blame?   I need to make honorable Aunt mentions: Aunt Linda who was funny, full of energy, sweet and my Mom’s best friend. Aunt Molly who is only 6 years older than me and who I love like a sister. Aunt Isabel who was my Dad’s sister, full of life, love and a phenomenal cook who never stopped smiling and also gave great hugs! More Aunts – Claudia, Amber, Auntie, Betty, Rhoda and much more.   I believe I’m the only Aunt who had no children in my family. But I know quite a few women who are in the Childless Club but are fantastic Aunts! We serve an important purpose. We visit on occasion but not too often, are always helpful, distract the nieces and nephews to give Mom a break, distract the husband to give Mom a break, help cook &/or clean up after meals, lend an ear and a hug, make everyone laugh by making a fool of ourselves to make them all feel smarter, do laundry and after not overstaying our welcome – leave everything neat and tidy as if we’d never been there.    I know that I haven't always been a "great" aunt to all my nieces and nephews much to my regret – but I hope to be better. Living far away from all of them is tough. But I love them all so much and wish them fulfilling, joyous and prosperous lives. I have 13 nieces and nephews (adults) and 14 great nieces and nephews. I really hope I got that count right!! Aunts are people too. We are a part of the family. We often play a significant role (or not) for the entire Tribe. This blog is an Ode to Odd Aunts! We are not just "That Woman" - we are AUNT! If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 33 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment  and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, crazed older women who happen to be aunts and followers.   Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

Let’s be honest – my body, my mind, myself is changing daily whether I want it to or not! They say change is good. Is it? Yes, of course, some change is for the better. However, there are changes that come as a result of menopause and aging that I would like to amend. Is that possible? It’s a work in progress! I believe: A. some things can be remedied. B. some things can be tolerated. C. some things are nonnegotiable. But we are fickle creatures and yet - very adaptable - and eventually can figure out how to live with the changes needed. Even though I’m somewhat OCD (that means a lot) – I can still change eventually (if it was my decision and suits me). “Our Bodies Ourselves” – a book I read a million years ago (in my early 20’s) about women’s health issues. It was a very comprehensive guide to all women’s issues – including menopause. It's one of the first bestselling books written by a group of women about “woman things” that caught my attention. I don’t seek out “self-help” books very often (in denial), but I recall this book was helpful and liberating. That’s why writing my humble and humorous memoir was so important to me. I would be so honored if my book brought some solace to others. Especially if they laughed while navigating their own menopause and aging journey. We are not alone! I forgot that until I wrote my book. I wrote it during Covid, so I felt even more isolated and alone. “We are not alone” became a mantra to remind me that asking others for help was not weakness but courage and faith. I truly wanted to let women know that "they are not alone." I believe women are the strongest in our species. Imagine a man giving birth or going through menopause. Laughable, right? So, we women need to stick together and support each other – because we will be running this world one day (hopefully soon!!) – and will need to watch each other’s back. BTW - I just read an article about a scientific discovery that female Chimpanzees go through Menopause. Proof that we are not alone!!! It may also explain why I have hair growing in the most unlikely of places. I just read a hilarious quote from Jason Pargin/David Wong in John Dies At The End – “If a man plans, a woman laughs.” My new favorite quote – especially because it came from a discerning man!! Sorry to digress, but due to my foggy memory - I didn't want to forget to add this tidbit of wisdom. I want to talk about the changes that occur in our bodies, minds and ourselves. My book covers the changes I underwent during menopause and the transition into the next phase – getting old(er). It’s different for each person (or chimp or toothed whale apparently), but menopause is the beginning of our bodies and minds metamorphosis from youth to middle age. I just turned 65 (Medicare Age) and below is my breakdown of aging for me: A. Youth and Learning About Being a Woman Years: 1 - 18 B. The Banner Years: 19 - 40 C. Menopause and Getting Old(er) – The Shift Years: 40 – to date D. Old, Wise and Venerated Years: I hope when I reach this stage, I get at least 2 out of 3 E. We all know what E means! (End of Times) I have 17 short chapters in my book – topically thorough but pithy in execution. My goal was to hit you over the head with menopause manifestations – make you laugh – make you laugh again at my illustrations – then move on to the next horror (chapter). I intentionally kept the chapters short – because our attention-span has decreased exponentially due to information overload. I have actually screamed at a man (he who shall not be named), “Bright Shiny Objects, Bright Shiny Objects!!! Focus! Focus!” – because of his inability to maintain concentration on the subject at hand. Drove me effing crazy! If he was talking – you had to pay attention, not interrupt or else he’d start over. If I was talking – I had to scream the above rant because - he’s an asshole. Anyway, that’s why I kept my book to an essay-style format. I’ll touch on each of my chapters with a snippet from the book and add any new anomalies or observations (in parentheses) that have occurred since I published: Chapter 1 – Periods! - We are cursed with periods twice! Getting them and losing them! Chapter 2 – Hot Flashes - Waking in the middle of the night in a sweaty salty puddle—gentle waves lapping at my inner thighs—praying the pool of sweat remains on my side of the bed—or not—left me confounded at where all this sea brine was coming from? (Recently remembered this incident: One particularly bad Hot Flash at work ended with a client stepping back and away from close contact with me and said, “Are you contagious?” Yes, it was a man! And I thought, "I wish!") Chapter 3 – Mood Swings - Let’s take a moment and address the elephant in the room. A large portion of women are employed during all or some of their menopausal years. I find this to be a cruel joke and never invited that elephant into my room!!! (These were downright scary for me. I was a pendulum of fierce mood swings for years. I've learned how to control my split personalities, but I still hear them whispering!) Chapter 4 – Sleeplessness - During this delightful period (there’s that word again— Period!) of menopause—sleep was just angry. They should have called this, “Eight Hours (or in my case—Four Hours) of Tossing Disruptive Night Terrors in the Deep Blue Sweaty Sea!” My personal Moby Dick. (Sleeplessness continues. My sister recommended wearing a sleep mask. It has been very helpful. Blocking out all light reminds me of the womb. It’s oddly comforting!) Chapter 5 – Hormones - Without balanced hormones—we are just hairy eunuchs with sagging boobs and an attitude. (Hormones – Progesterone and Estrogen – these invisible-to-the-naked-eye organisms are what regulate physiology and behavior. The lack of these valuable and finicky specks are the betrayers of our mind and body – and contribute to each chapter of my book. If you want to analogize a Biblical reference – they are my Judas!!) Chapter 6 - Memory Loss - Does lactose intolerance have anything to do with the “Brain Fart” phenomenon? Apparently, I’m lactose intolerant! (Sorry to say, this does not improve. Last time I saw my GP, I had written a list of concerns to discuss with her. Memory Loss was on that list and I casually glanced at it, but pretended I forgot to ask her. That was the only thing I avoided on that list. Wish I could forget fear. Dementia runs in the family.) Chapter 7 – Weight Gain/Depression/Lethargy – The word “menopause” can be broken down quite succinctly: Men —who obviously created this word and have no idea what they are talking about because these mother**kers don’t even Get Menopause! O —zero estrogen/progesterone. Pause —life puts you on hold from exercise, sex and who gives a flying rat’s ass about f**k all! ( Note – I don’t try to hide my curses in my book. You are allowed to curse when talking about menopause! A very passionate topic for me.) Chapter 8 – The Arid Desert - Or as I like to call it—My Tumbling Tumbleweeds! (This is my subtitle – which says it all when discussing my dried up vagina. Atrophied Vagina – not a topic often discussed. You hear too much whining about men and their mis-shaped penises or their erectile misfires. Loads of research and remedies but menopause remains a silent disease (complaint). You might as well mummify the rest of me now!! BTW – it just struck me to ask this question – Why don’t aging men’s penises dry up? Or do they? Just sayin’.) Chapter 9 – Sex(less) - Thanks to menopause—sex was an uncomfortable afterthought. Over the course of a decade, it ultimately ended with these thoughts, “Why can’t we just cuddle or You’re my best friend!” (Estradiol cream helps – but the mental ennui remains. Still working on this inability to care about sex. I believe I need therapy to find out why I’m an android.) Chapter 10 – Elasticity – (This chapter covers full body issues with your monkey suit betraying you. I’ll pick two sections that will surprise you): Eyeballs and Lashes —I recently discovered that lack of moisture also applies to my eyes and lashes. To add insult to injury—I was diagnosed with Dry Eye and Cataracts. My 12-year-old Optometrist told me that my eyelashes (both of them) no longer generate “oils.” So, I now must put supplemental eye drops in 4 x daily, strap a heated eye-mask on for 15 min daily and eventually have nightmare-inducing eye surgery. Knees —Let’s just say—the first time I noticed a change in my taut adorable knees, I screamed! What the f**k is the puffy pocket of fat on the inside of my knees and where did it come from? I also did not know that knees could wrinkle!!! (More on elasticity disappearing from your body and what you can’t see without a traitorous mirror. I used to think “Dimples” were cute and an asset until I saw them on my knees, upper thighs and buttocks. No matter how many hours I spend each week doing Pilates – those dimples are now a permanent fixture. Apparently, the dimples that were once on my face – appearing whenever I smiled – got bored and slid down my torso, past my hips and decided to create its own municipality for the duration. Ignore that urge to grab your magnifying mirror and torment yourself.) Chapter 11 – Gravity - My boobs also used to be located in my upper torso area above my abdomen. Now they have migrated south in search of my belly button. Nipples relocate from north to facing south, clearly pointing out my tumbling tumbleweeds and lumpy knees. Cruel fate! (Deflation is not just economic! Like balloons at the end of a party - after everyone has eaten and drunk themselves stupid at your expense – leaving you to clean up the huge mess as if a pack of wild animals have broken into your home and shit everywhere – I see the sad aftermath – weeks of planning and buildup to the event – represented in the deflated balloons - withering on their listless apathetic strings – those are now my boobs at 65!!! Size C cup surrounding plump and perky boobs have deflated to a B cup struggling to hoist up stretched out saggy ones. Have you ever handled pizza dough? ‘Nuff said! Along with your body deflating, you also have ego deflating in the aftermath of losing elasticity. One upside is- no more leering and whistling when walking by a construction site. OK – that’s a bit of a stretch (just like pizza dough and your boobs). BTW – I don’t recall ever being whistled or leered at while passing construction workers?) Chapter 12 – Hair - (This chapter covers full body issues - with hair deciding it was time to go exploring to other parts of your anatomy): Pubes — First place I found a lone thick white stiff hair. Yes—I screamed! Remember I was in the musical Hair? It originated in the 60s. During a time of free love and massive mounds of uncut pubic hair! They say that everything is cyclical right? Well, your well-maintained bush rebels and decides that the 60s are back in fashion! Why is pubic hair growing down my thighs and up to my belly button? Is this evolutionary survival mechanism to repel predators? Does this have anything to do with the dried-up vagina phenomenon? Surely, there are anthropological studies done on the menopausal female and her pubes!!! (Oddly enough, when I’ve talked to other women about their aging and pubic hair – most have said they now have less hair in that department. Menopause does strange things to our bodies (and minds) and it’s different for everyone. Hair is unpredictable!) Chapter 13 – Age Spots/Skin Growths – Age spots—starts with your hands. First you think it’s just dirt. But once you realize it does not wash off—patterns emerge. Is it some secret map to the mythical fountain of youth? No! Just some daily reminder that you succumbed to marketing and wasted a ton of money on expensive creams for nothing. There is no such thing as invisible cream. (My husband, who just turned 60, pointed out a couple little age spots on his hand. I quickly put my right hand next to his and said, “Let’s make this a competition. I win.” Or do I?) Chapter 14 – Inner Plumbing - (This chapter covers all bodily functions): Farts —If you laugh too hard or sneeze or just walk through a grocery store—don’t be surprised if you accidentally share a Toot or two or three!!! Just keep on as if nothing happened. Maybe if you’re lucky, you have someone behind you that you can glare at with disgust! Denial is your friend. As my wise niece Dani says, “Fart and Dart!” And just like a braying ass—you explode with unprovoked expulsions of Ass Gas! (I thought of a second title after I’d published - The Flatulence and the Furious! Apparently, it’s not just a woman issue as you age but also a man’s. My husband and I occasionally do fart duets after dinner while on the couch watching TV or in bed. Mine are SBD’s and his are mini-rocket launchers. If I’m in public I can run pretty fast and furiously after a toot. Once at my nephew’s house, in front of about 6 family members, I had what I call the “Long Winded Foghorn Fart” and will now live down in history for that Guinness Book feat. When I was working there were many times that a co-worker and I would amuse each other and then hide in the back-room silently laughing, me farting and both of us falling down to the floor with tears streaming down our faces. Farts are funny – period!!!) Chapter 15 – Fashion – Since being a child—I’ve noticed that women of a certain age—decided that when they hit that certain age—they should only wear clothing that repels admiration and envy. They began to wear a certain kind of “uniform” when they reached menopause. Drab of color and shapeless—like a potato sack! This potato sack came in a limited variety of colors not seen in youthful fashion. Also, they decided that once the uniform was established—they had to purchase 10 of every piece. Thus, began the acceptance of defeat and conformity to society’s vision, however delusional, of what our fate as older women will become. I call this, “The Potato Sack Syndrome!” (I plan on doing a future blog about Hair, Glasses and Fashion. A topic that needs its own spotlight!) Chapter 16 – Denial - I bring up this word because denial is sometimes easier to accept than the truth. I am guilty of avoiding the truth on occasion (that means often). But, needless to say, you can’t avoid the obvious. Menopause is real and my experience has been traumatic at times and ironic all the time. Shikata ga nai! (It cannot be helped and let it go). (Denial continues to this day.) Chapter 17 – Positive Changes – (Hence the main topic of this Blog! Below is one of the changes I wrote about – for the good of me, my husband and all mankind!) Pilates —Another form of relaxation for me is exercise. I needed to incorporate an exercise routine into my daily schedule without it putting me in a looney bin! Over the years, I did try joining clubs but rarely followed through. Working a long day and then coming home to just turn around and drive to a health club scared and exhausted me. I tried jogging—but that ended up with me gasping, cramped, bored and angry. I then tried fast-walking early in the morning. Well—being followed one time by a creepy stranger and fearing for my life—then another time—fast-walking and crying with my ass clenched for a mile because I had to poop—made me rethink the whole outdoor exercise thing. So, I began my search for home-based workouts. Working out at home gave me no excuse to put it off. I purchased many DVDs (remember—this is many years ago) of various techniques and finally found my groove—Pilates. It covers it all—yoga, stretching, core, cardio, dance, weights and a full body work out. I continue to this day. I highly recommend Pilates for any age. Of course, always talk to your doctor before starting a workout regimen. BTW—working out at home is also a plus because no one can judge my performance!!! (Since I quit my job – I work out at home - 5 days a week - in the morning. Wakes up both my body and dwindling mind. I am still dedicated to a great instructor – Ellen Barrett . Her DVDs stand the test of time. She has live workouts now. I encourage you to check her out. I get no financial gain for recommending her – she’s just that good!) In my Introduction and In Closing sections I talk about invisibility. Invisibility is my Superpower!!! In my later years, I’ve met people on the sidewalk that make me jump out of their way – as if I’m incorporeal. This happens more often as you age. For example: I was standing in line at a Macy’s (the slowest check out in the world!) and an older white man cuts in front of me. The female snails-clerk (yes I meant to spell it that way) acted as if this is normal and waits on him. She completely ignored the fact that myself and the woman behind me had been standing there for 20 mins. So I loudly said, “WOW! I’m Invisible!! Fantastic!!! I have a Super Power!!!!!" The rude guy turned and looked down his nose at me with mild disdain and probably wondered who was talking – because I’m invisible. The snails-clerk just sniffed in a huff because it made her feel important. The woman behind me burst out laughing – because she was also invisible but could see me! We laughed and talked about how discourteous people can be and how slow Macy’s checkout is. The moral of this story is that invisibility is stronger in numbers. I use the term "invisibility" because it not only alludes to being treated like you are, in reality, invisible, but also includes those who treat you like your whole existence can be disregarded because they deem you invisible. Taking away all your power and self-worth in a couple of words or actions. Well, I know what I’d do if I was invisible and these self-important, ignorant people would not be happy about it! “Pantsing” a narcissist is always funny! Invisibility can also be helpful in a Zombie Apocalypse!! I’ve realized that “Decade Birthdays” were the ones I noticed changes in my mind and my body the most. It seemed like some massive clock struck the hour at any birthday ending in a zero and reminded me of the countdown to death. At 20 life is just exciting and endless. At 30 you still feel great but a little wiser. At 40 you reach a confusing see-saw moment of youth vs. being looked at as “older.” At 50 you say “F**k You Death – but you also start feeling invisible! At 60 that clock sped up because death is apparently getting impatient. This decade proves you are invisible and you get the impression that everyone younger than you finds you irrelevant. When you go to the movies – the 2-year-old selling tickets immediately gives you the senior discount rate. They no longer ask your age. I’ve embraced those senior discounts as proof that I’ve earned it! Another thing I've realized is that Gullibility seems to be eternal. I even named our camper "Gullible's Travels". Yesterday I found out that my Barnes & Noble book signing was cancelled on 12/2/23 (the perfect timing for my book release and holiday shopping campaign) and will be rescheduled for some time in 2024. Of course, being Gullible, I already posted this EVERYWHERE (even a paid ad campaign). You'd think after 65 years I'd remember how cruel life can be when you least expect it. I was so devastated and defeated on my favorite holiday - Halloween. But , I forgot that Halloween is for tricking and treating. So I certainly got TRICKED! B&N was very polite and apologetic, but it still wounded me. So now I have to change my website, author pages, this blog, etc. I'll have to post on FB and Insta that fate just ambushed me again. Today's lunch is Humble Pie!! I'll hesitantly post the new date if and when I get it. Life goes on no matter what age. You are the conductor in your life’s opera. I want mine to end with a standing ovation!! Please don't make me "Temporarily Out of Stock" and purchase my book during the pre-sale on Amazon or Barnes & Noble . It's also available on many other book retailers. Grab a piece of Post-Halloween candy that you stole from your child's stash and buy my book!! Give me this day, my Daily Beg! Help an old(er) lady out and help me promote my book!! Help me become relevant! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! I recommend you purchase the soft cover book during Pre-Sale for the preferred reading experience! I have pages at the end of the book for you to add your own menopausal journey! Click the links on my book page. Great holiday gift or stocking stuffer!! I really hope you’ll sign up and become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh

Welcome to your future, ladies! For all those who voted RED - you'll love your new attire!! Gilead has won....but we are not defeated! The Divided States of America will not control my body or my rage! We have to fight back against the forces of evil and turn this dystopian society back to what our forefathers intended. A free and democratic country for everyone! WOMEN FOR FREEDOM - BODY AND SOUL - WILL NOT BEND THE KNEE!!! Shed and Shred your Red Capes and Scream your Rage! The color of red is not enslavement - but Female Rage! We are not alone!!! Colleen McIntosh - My Body, My Rage!

If you’ve read my   book  and/or are reading my   blogs  – you know that I was born and raised in Northern Maine. A very isolated part of the world. You also know that I was the  middle child  of 5. As such, you know that I am a little “different” (or as I like to say, “Special!” – I will leave it up to you to interpret that self-observation). I belive traveling is imperative to a full and healthy world-wide view of life!   “Broadening one’s horizons” – idiom – to increase the range of things that someone knows or has experienced.” (Cambridge Dictionary)   In other words – Think Globally People!!   This blog is about my travels around the globe – something that ought to be a requirement for every person in the world. The royalty of Britain and the people of wealth had what was called “The Grand Tour” – typically a year-long trip around the world’s principle cultural centers – as part of their formal education. In modern times it’s called the "Gap Year" – a movement also made popular in Britain and typically for the wealthy. Time spent away from mommy and daddy and fending for yourself (with gobs of money) was considered an education in “growing up.” But a year of traveling was common for the rich, but not for the common folk (me). If normal people (not the 1%) are already sending their kids to university for the cost of a nice home – then why can’t they also have a “Gap Year” as part of that formal education – 3 years in a classroom and 1 year experiencing the world. Restructure the educational system to teach people real life knowledge.    Colleen quote for the 10th time: “Just because you’re educated, doesn’t mean you’re smart!” Of course, I’m not rich but it makes perfect sense that we should all receive a free year of traveling to all continents as part of our education. In a perfect, organized, fair and unbiased world – that might be possible. If everyone had the chance to experience each other’s cultures – then  maybe  it would be a world of peace, acceptance, harmony and LOGIC. Just sayin!!   Traveling while growing up - involved going to various relative’s homes or maybe a trip to Bangor to visit other various relative’s homes. It wasn’t easy with five kids and a tight budget. We did take our VW on a trip to Texas once but that was a toddler blur, and my memories are a bit warped. I remember only scary mountain roads and bridges (first inkling I had a fear of heights), bubblegum in my hair through 15 states, red ants swarming while stinging and chewing on my chubby feet/legs, unbearable heat – etc. Fun times! Through all that mayhem, I had a great time with my aunt, uncle and cousins! However, the drive resulted in a lifetime of nightmares and phobias.   We also took a trip to Quebec and that’s where I experienced my second experimentation with heights! I can’t remember the exact location in this beautiful city, but it involved a steep, long, heavily trafficked, grated flight of stairs that seemingly led down to origins unknown – because my “frozen in terror” brain – never allowed me to go beyond the half-way point before I gave in to my irrational panic attack. As everyone was fast walking down this stairway to Dante’s hell – I became immobile partway down, rooted to the see-thru stair tread, slowly slinking down to a sitting position while I clung to the railing as if the staircase was a movable Escher painting – warping, trembling and flinging me to my crushing death. No one (family) noticed that I was frozen in my slow-motion nightmare, and I think I fainted for a couple seconds? A nightmare that infected my formative years. That’s all I remember about Quebec except for a troubling memory of one of the adults hitting a dog??? I’ll have to confirm that with my siblings!   Where I lived in Northern Maine - driving into Canada was a quick hop, stop and chat with the border guards as passports were not a requirement. We were so close to Canada that I thought it was an extension of Northern Maine with a French accent! Rules have changed since my youth, because now Canada prefers Americans stay in America! I don’t blame them!! I remember that dad and friends took me salmon fishing once and I believe we were in Canada. My  memories   are controversial – because I have a fantastic imagination!! Once again, I have one firm recollection. I was young, and the men thought I needed additional protection while in the river of rapids and strong currents – so they put me in adult waders. I probably weighed 80 lbs., and the river was not as shallow as originally indicated. My waders filled up and I went under. I think Doc or Tom or Dad pulled me out – gasping like a wet, freezing, spitting ferret – and damp for the remainder of our overnight fishing trip. That was my first and last sojourn with Dad and his fishing buddies!   I visited my sister, Bridget, once - who had moved to New York. See excerpt " Growing Up Midde(ing) Part 4 below: "My sister moved to NY after college and invited me down to visit. I had no money for a bus or plane ticket, so that same farmer neighbor, Gary, offered me a ride in his 18-wheeler. He had his own semis for potato transport and happened to be going through NY. So, I pulled an all-nighter with him. I occasionally slept in his bunk compartment and ate his snacks until he pulled up outside my sisters in the Bronx. I had a great time with Bridget. She took me downtown and one of our stops was a fancy club/disco. Did you know that they allow 16-year-olds into NYC clubs? Did you know that you can get served alcohol – even though I didn’t drink (then). Did you know that rich men dressed like Sheiks will buy you drinks? Did you know that these men will buy virgins? I believe I was purchased that night?? I must ask my sister how much I cost."   Until I reached adulthood – my traveling was limited to a very small area. I had no idea what a passport was or that millions of people traveled all over the world daily. It was such a “foreign” concept to me. But I read about other countries whether fiction or factual. History books told us all about famous locations - museums, castles, coastlines, mountains, major events all around the world – all sites of beauty, wonder and terror – each unique to a specific country. Great Britain and the Republic of Ireland were my favorites to dream about and longed to visit. I’ve been there 6 times to date, and I plan on going back as often as we can afford. My sister and brother traveled to France on a high school trip. I was so jealous, but didn’t fully understand why. I didn’t speak French! My father won a trip through his business and my parents went to Rio de Janeiro. Once again, I was jealous, but not for the reasons you would expect. We were left with our Aunt Celia who we’d never met before. She was a babysitter from every fairytale we’d ever read – and not the Fairy Godmother type!! I discovered what the term “Evil Stepmother/Witch” meant in real time!   For years I wanted to fit in with the normal static crowd – but I now relish being outré and mobile. My love of traveling to other countries began in my 20’s (the 80’s decade). Up to that point, I didn’t even consider it because I couldn’t afford to travel. It was what “other” people did, not a girl from Northern Maine! I was living in New York and pursuing my childhood dream of being an actor. I was working/acting regularly at a dinner theatre and at a Playhouse for a couple years – while also going to casting calls in NYC for larger ambitions of Broadway!! I auditioned for various levels of entertainment and stumbled on a casting call for the musical  “ Hair. ”  After I was told I got the role of “Crissy”, they informed me that I’d be touring in Europe for a few months. I was a bit shocked, terrified and then it hit me – elated!! I had to get my first passport and prepare for an extended work-ation!! We landed in Amsterdam Holland for the rehearsal period. The cast bonded and established a cohesion that this musical needed to pay tribute to Hair’s message of anti-war, peace and love! I attribute my magical experience in Amsterdam as my inspiration to travel and the motivation to witness how the rest of the world lived. My tour nickname was "Q-tip" because I had a blonde afro wanna-be haircut. Our tour began in Holland. We performed in all the following countries in Europe. Unfortunately, we didn't have iPhones back then and my inexpensive camera and childish photography skills did not reap in-focus or good photos - so I apologize for my amateurish photographs: HOLLAND (Netherlands)  –   I can’t remember how many times I’ve been to Amsterdam because if we had a day off – we often hopped on a bus to return to this beautiful, friendly, canal city. The huge old Royal Theatre Carré was our introduction to European audiences. They were the most enthusiastic and welcoming city on our tour. Amsterdam was our longest stint - we took our clothes off for the first time in Amsterdam and in front of thousands. Yes, the musical Hair has a brief nude scene! At the end of Act 1 there is a passionate song which crescendos while the cast bares all our wobbly bits. Our first foray into nudity was opening night. We were circling the lead actor who is singing on a pedestal, draped with a large circle of fabric. As he is reaching his finale - we all stoop down and go underneath the fabric while moving our arms/singing/and stripping. This all occurs in less than a minute. We were supposed to all rise up from under the tarp - naked - and with arms and legs wide singing the last word - "Freedom" - before lights go out forr intermission. We should have rehearsed!! The first night was one of confusion, panic and mayhem. Most of us got 3/4's of our clothes off - with pant legs dropped at our feet or a shirt sleeve still attached to an arm. We wanted to laugh but we were so terrified that we probably looked like we were in excrutiating pain. I'm sure the audience was perplexed by this under-achieved dramatic image. When the lights dimmed we all scrambled to find our clothes and run backstage before the lights came on for the intermission. The audience got to view a few running backsides with clothes still strewn on the stage before they departed for the bathroom or bar. Then we had to deal with being naked backstage with our crew and some local crew - all starring, laughing and some applauding. We laughted and wept but realized that we had stripped naked in front of a couple thousand people and survived! We were now professional strippers and did it every night (except in Austria) for months. It became blase! I was staged between 2 men - who were the two blackest men in our cast. I could hear both of them snickering when we performed each night because I was the whitest cast member. I GLOWED! Amsterdam was the perfect city to expose myself physically and emotionally! I loved every minute!! Canals, ornate houseboats, bicycling, Hotel Krasnapolsky, red-light district, Hard Rock and Bulldog café/hash bars, Anne Frank House, Rijksmuseum and Van Gogh, Edam cheese, windmills, clogs, Indian food, diamond district and partying every night with all our new Dutch friends!! A cosmopolitan city while maintaining a small-town vibe! Everyone looked like a 6 ft., blond-haired, ice-blue eyed MODEL!! Amsterdam deserves its own BLOG! (I went back about 10 years later with my ex-husband and like my marriage, it was a mistake. I want to go back with Ed who will appreciate this fabulous city - and not ruin in for me.)   GERMANY –  From Romanesque to Gothic to Baroque to Bauhaus architecture – with their timbered chalets – were very “Fairytale-like” homes and businesses. Even fairytales that involve ogres!! Not my favorite architecture but Gothic does titillate my cold mutinous heart!! Some key cities have kept portions of bombed out remains within their city environs as a symbolic acknowledgment of their crimes against humanity and as a result - war-ravaged monuments. Traveling to the Bavarian hills and mountains of Lederhosen, Dirndl’s and Bier Haus during Oktoberfest was particularly interesting and fun. Fraulein's bearing 4 massive steins in each hand - wearing their well-worn dirndl's and hair braided - navigating the mile long tables filled with drunken tourists - was a sight to behold! We took a day trip visiting Mad King Ludwig’s II castle called Neuschwanstein . The castle that inspired Disney! The ride up was in a small bus that had windows from ceiling to floor – so you didn’t miss the views on the way up the mountain. The road was narrow and we drove on the cliff edge side going up – so whenever we met a vehicle or horse drawn wagon/carriage – we moved closer to the edge/dropoff to one's death. The first time the bus swerved closer to the edge – I slid down the glass window to the floor and decided that lying face down was a fantastic idea! I know that pictures were taken of me – but I never got a copy! I remained prone and glued to the muddy floor until we reached the top. The fanatic King's bedroom sported a hand-carved  bed  that took four years/14 carvers to create and clearly a permanent fixture! The unfinished folly was his demise. Ludwig was found mysteriously drowned alongside his psychiatrist - which makes a lot of sense!! They had a suspension bridge over a chasm that gave you the perfect view and photo-op of the castle for your album. I did not want to cross this bridge because it swayed a bit in the high winds of the Bavarian mountains. I made it half-way and froze – arms stretched out to the handrails and feet splayed. I could not move and was also facing the wrong direction to safety. My co-actors had to come out – snap a photo of me (terrified) with the castle – then unpeeled my hands so I could get down on my knees and crawled/pulled me back to firm ground where I collapsed in front of a bunch of tourists. I have no idea where that picture is but I’m sure they all have a copy for a good chuckle when they are feeling down. This fieldtrip was my third and final confirmation that I had a bridge and height phobia! I was relieved that I had an explanation for my mental lapses and inability to move and compulsion for lying face down on terra firma (or any surface readily at hand) for my panic attacks. We also visited cities famous for their handmade cuckoo clocks and nutcrackers. A haunting and beautiful country. We got quite an education in German history – both good and bad. The ravages of war were still a topic of conversation.   I highly suggest that you DON”T opt to become a vegetarian while in Germany (or Austria) – because they didn’t know what a salad was!! They sneered at vegetables!! I'm sure now it's adjusted to current food trends, but the 80s was a barren landscape yielding only red meat! A vegetable desert!   AUSTRIA  – Germany wasn’t a warm and cuddly country – but Austria took that chill to a whole new level of ARCTIC. Austria wasn’t as welcoming of a multi-racial cast. An example of their bitter bigotry shown to us in frigid reaction when a friend and I went to a restaurant in Branau - Hitler’s birthplace. We were starving and when we entered the restaurant, the room of entitled white people all stopped eating and en masse swiveled their heads to stare at the mixed friendship at the entrance. No one moved for about 30 seconds until Selena sashayed, in her mink coat, down the aisle between tables to grab a menu. I stiffly followed checking for pitchforks and on alert for the narrow-minded mob attack – when she flung the menu back at the server and said to me, “Let’s go. This is not up to my standards.” She sashayed back to the entrance with her head held high. I was in awe of this woman. Once outside, we hightailed it because we realized we weren’t in New York City anymore!! This intolerant restaurant crowd looked like they'd brandish weapons more dangerous than pitchforks! Branau and parts of Austria can be downright terrifying, and Hitler remains celebrated to this day. I don’t have fond memories of Austria – not even the theatre goers. We weren't allowed to do the nude scene. The alps were stunning, but the taint of Hitler remained. BTW – the local bookstore of this hamlet from hell had their front window filled with “Mein Kampf!” Apparently, a best-seller! SWITZERLAND  – Another chilly country - but more pleasant because rich people are polite and it was literally chilly!! Traveling through the Alps to get to our destination was otherworldly. The richness of Geneva was intimidating to a poor 20-something – but I could afford a Swatch and chocolate!! The alps followed you everywhere and my first time seeing their majestic and daunting beauty up close and personal! We traveled up to some charming little towns and saw very little of the ascent into these mountains – because the clouds got in the way of our view!! I happened upon an old church in one Swiss mountain village that took my breath away. Words can’t describe the interior beauty. Outside was foggy, frigid and grey. The church was lit within as if a balmy day. It was empty, quiet and warm. I was so overwhelmed that I stayed for a while and soaked up this unearthly calm. I wish I could remember the town, but sometimes I think I dreamt it. Downhill skiing is for braver people than I. Lake Geneva was beautiful!   BELGIUM -  Brussels was a blur – one day. I need to go back. I probably slept through it!   LUXEMBOURG -  Don’t remember! One day. Sorry Luxembourg – I'll return one day to give your country a tiny review!   SWEDEN –  Vikings were one of the early world travelers!! Julius was our Swedish/Scandinavian/Finland producer. He was sweet and showed us around wherever we toured. Stockhom was beautiful. The buildings and waaterfront were exquisite. The people were polite, charming and tolerant of American tourists. Julius lived in Lund and invited us to his exclusive men’s club. We were the first women allowed - in its entire history. He also served a feast and homemade Schnapps – the traditional liquor in Scandinavia. However, I don’t recommend drinking endless shots of Schnapps if there are tables nearby to dance on!! We all went berserk and tore this men's club down!! Homemade Schnapps is dangerous once you get used to it. In hindsight, we all expected robed figures appearing after our intoxication was at its peak, while hooded men intoned some secret man-cult language while sacrificing a few Americans to their Norse Gods!! Great setting for the next “ American Horror Story .”  Another perk to Sweden is the medical community. I got bronchitis while in Stockholm and a doctor came to my hotel room. He confirmed my malady and when I asked how much I owed him, he said, “Nothing. If you could get me 2 tickets for your show – my daughter would be very happy.” I agreed enthusiastically while coughing my lungs out. I did the show in total agony but performed well for my new medical friend and his daughter. Lola, our stage manager, came running up to me after the curtain call and dragged me away from the cast. She whispered, “Colleen, the doctor just handed this to me and told me to make sure you followed instructions.” It was a 32 fluid ounce bottle of pure Opium. I had no idea what this drug was but Lola told me NOT to tell the other cast members. That night I took my dosage and immediately felt relief and then RELIEF!!!! I was soooooo happyyyyyy! It totally relaxed my lungs, cough and as I was blissfully drifting off to la la land someone knocked at my door. I let in a cast mate thinking he was coming to comfort me. He sat on the bed next to me and stared at my Opium bottle while casually saying, “Colleen, would you mind if I dipped my joint into your Opium?” I would have agreed to anything in my current mellowed state and said, “Sure. Knock yourself out! (literally)” I don’t know how he found out – but I was the most popular woman in the cast. Once I felt better – I didn’t take anymore Opium – but the cast drained about half of it. I brought it home with me and got through customs no problem. I only used it when sick – because I had a propensity for bronchial illnesses. If taken as directed – what a phenomenal drug. I also realized that Sweden’s government had a fabulous universal healthcare system that somehow also benefited me in my time of need. House calls, no charge, free opium - what a great country!!   DENMARK –  We ferried from Sweden to Copenhagen. These aren’t sissy ferries – but massive tiered boats with cars, trucks, buses and people. Like a cruise ship, only different. We kept expecting an iceberg to float by - it was so cold and vast. It was spectacular and our producer in Scandinavia was “The Bomb” – best producer EVER!! Once again, Copenhagen was beautiful and foggy. We saw Tivoli Garden, The Little Mermaid statue, museums, etc. Charming and friendly - just lovely! NORWAY –  Another Ferry to Oslo. Another fantastic city – I would go back to Scandinavia in a heartbeat! I love Nordic history and now watch all the TV shows associated with the Norse/Viking legends. Norway is known for its fjords and keeper of Norwegian history and Scandinavian culture/traditions. The Munch and the Viking Ships museums were just a couple things that we toured. Another coastal city that is modern but has a fully realized Nordic history.   FINLAND –  We ferried across the Baltic Sea from Stockholm, Sweden to Helsinki, Finland. Helsinki was having a holiday festival that encompassed the entire city filled with lights, decorations and Xmas merchants – I thought I was on a movie set. I’ve never seen an entire city decorated for the holidays. Helsinki’s glow was probably visible from space! Our most northern city was a small berg called Oulu - which was remote. It was pitch dark for our entire visit. Upon arrival we decided to go get a bite to eat. Our hotel was on the outskirts, so we headed down the road. We quickly realized that everything was dark and closed. But we remained hopeful and decided to walk down the middle of the snow-packed road because NO ONE was stupid enough to be out in this freezing weather. Our group kept on strolling when we heard something following us. It was a bit creepy, and we were all getting nervous (scared). We started walking a little faster, but the “monsters” caught up to us. A herd of reindeer thought we were going too slow, so they just went around us. We decided to keep quiet and keep walking as if this was normal and not to startle the herd into a stampede. It was amazing! We never found food, but got to hang with Santa’s awol reindeer! Food for thought!   The second tour I did with this company was the musical,  “ Jesus Christ Superstar. ”  We performed in one of the most Catholic of countries – Italy. ITALY– Mid/Southern & Sardinia –  Rome was a short visit. The first thing they told us was to hide our passport and money underneath our clothes. We were staying outside of town - so we had no time to tour the city. We took a train to Florence overnight. There were 3 of us in one compartment. In the middle of the night, I woke up to a dark shadowy body looming over me with his hand under my little train pillow. I screamed and woke up the others while he fled. The irony is that this person/man/thief was on this train until Florence. I had my passport/money wallet around my neck and under my clothes which I’m sure was the robber’s destination after the pillow!!! Florence (Firenze) was my favorite city – we saw all the sights – Statue of David, Ponte Vecchio, Cathedral of Santa Maria del Fiore, Uffizi Galleries, Piazzale Michelangelo, etc. A small and walkable city and so full of history and beauty. I met a wonderful woman and she took me to her grandmothers for tea. She neglected to tell me that Grammy was loaded – old money - and had original art!!! We had tea overlooking the Ponte Vecchio. I was underdressed and terrified I’d do a massive tea faux pas! I stayed there for a few weeks, at a later time, which is a long story and will be (future blog) in my Middle Child part 5 called “Running from the mafia!” BTW, our production manager took us on a limo ride one night in a famous park known for gorgeous bedecked and bejeweled trans-ladies of the evening – more on that in my next MC blog!!! FYI – it was illegal, but the rich and famous clientele paid off the local constabulary – so perfectly acceptable by Italian standards!!   Rome was beautiful but scary with all the pickpockets and Milano was gorgeous and where I got robbed of everything – fun times! Police just shrug and say, “Go to US embassy for new passport.” (imagine them shrugging and saying that in a thick Italian accent) I went to the front of the long line at the embassy because I had made a photocopy of my passport. But I was crying – so that was a 10-year photo of a painful reminder!! La Scala was stunning and I forget the rest because of the robbery. Italian pickposkets excel at their profession!   CZECH REPUBLIC –  I spent one night there which is part of my Mafia story! Let’s just say this – the border guards with very large automatic weapons angled my way – were very kind!   My third sojourn to a foreign country was the musical,  “ Little Shop of Horrors! ”  in Japan: JAPAN –  Tokyo was one of my favorite experiences. Another country that I would go back to and savor. It’s also another  Middle Child   portion of my life that I will blog about at some point in the future. We were staying at the Keio Plaza, which was the most westernized hotel in Tokyo. My view every morning was Mount Fuji. Apparently, I lucked out with weather and saw it almost daily at sunrise! This hotel also had esteemed guests. Secretly, Michael Jackson – but never confirmed. and not so secretly the current top ranking tennis players were in town for a tournament. I rode the elevator with Boris Becker, who started talking to me in German quite enthusiastically. I said, “Entschuldigen Sie Bitte. I don’t speak German.” He immediately turned away. My limited German could not have carried on a conversation unless it was asking for a bathroom or saying curse words! At least I said, "Pardon me!"   I got to see Mt. Fuji (sort of) up close. We took a bullet train on one of our days off to a panoramic ropeway up Mt. Kachi Kachi - a smaller mountain that faces Mt. Fuji – where a lot of the classic photos were taken for books and tourism of this iconic Japanese wonder!! A 15-minute walk from the Kawaguchiko train station. I was terrified, of course, because it’s a cable car ride, with large windows - up a f**king mountain!!!! I didn't do a face-plant but focused on the old Japanese granny across from me.   We performed in the theatre district in Tokyo and above our theatre was a Kabuki theatre. We never got a chance to go to a performance – but we saw some of the actors in costume!! We got to see the Japanese version of “Little Shop of Horrors” that starred famous Japanese actors. We were the loudest people in the audience. The polite Japanese sitting around us were politely horrified! They came to see our rendition as well and had a great time singing along!!   We went to a karaoke bar almost every night - our after-show routine - and always the most popular table! One inebriated guy (who spoke some English) asked if all Americans were good singers! We said yes.   We all went to Tokyo Disneyland on a day off and had a blast!! It was the same as the Florida one (which I’ve been to) but in Japanese. Minnie and Mickey wore kimonos! It was a hoot and better than Florida!!   Tokyo was the cleanest city I’ve ever seen. I’m talking immaculate!! As Americans, we all felt like slobs and understood why the rest of the world considers us RUDE! We should all incorporate bowing when interacting with people and maybe avoid conflict!   Sushi in Japan tastes better!   Tokyo - Best hair cut EVER!! Why don’t Americans give you a full head and body massage while they gently and methodically cut one hair at a time – for the perfect Zen hair-extravaganza? I paid them whatever they wanted, and they bowed me out of the door on wobbly legs of uber-relaxation and a very hip coif! When I returned to America, I kept asking each hairstylist for the Tokyo treatment – but for some reason all they do is laugh!   I became friends with our interpreter. She was the interpreter to the stars that perform in Tokyo from all over the world. She spoke multiple languages. Her stories of famous people were hilarious. Example: Stevie Wonder was a client. She dedicated all her time to him when in Tokyo. Stevie’s brothers were also part of his entourage. They assisted him in dressing for each performance. She came into his hotel room one night prior to his concert and found him dressed in the most ridiculous outfit. It was a brotherly prank! She redressed him properly and he just laughed it off. In case you don’t know who Stevie Wonder is – he’s a famous musician, singer and blind - and has a really good sense of humor!!   I think the best story is coming back from a frenetic day off bulleting out to see Mt. Fuji. We were exhausted and when we entered the hotel lobby, I noticed it seemed busier than usual. I started slouching down a red carpet oblivious to my surroundings. I vaguely noticed two well-dressed Caucasian men walking ahead of me waving. Confused, I attempted to figure out what was going on when two very large Japanese men (security) politely took an arm and lifted me off the red carpet to gently set me down a few feet away behind the velvet security rope. Still befuddled, I finally got a good look at the white waving men only to realize that one of them was Prince Phillip – the Duke of Edinburgh - Queen Elizabeth’s husband!! I never found out if I was in any of the news coverage. But I’m proud to say that I photo bombed royalty!!    Speaking of royalty – we also toured the Imperial Palace. It was a limited tour but not without me trying to enter a few restricted areas. Japan has the nicest security guards – bowing and all. Being blissfully unaware that you are trespassing is not a crime – right?   My acting travelog took me throughout each country - expanding my world-view and horizons. The 1980’s was a time of a lot of rejection – but also a lot of travel! Being an actress was equal parts demoralizing and confidence building. You had to have a tough exterior or a masochistic mentality (I chose the later). My 20s were exciting and a whirlwind of experiencing new things, visiting new homelands and making so many new friends - while expanding my knowledge of other countries and cultures. I was very lucky to see so many exotic and breathtaking sites. I was contributing culturally while abroad and benefiting from these other cultures. I wish everyone could have adventures like I did. But maybe without the nudity! I have left a lot out of my travels - but I hope I inspire a few people to expand their horizons beyond our shores. I love traveling abroad and I am a broad!   Later in life, traveling became something altogether different from my youthful, naive wanderings. Traveling to other countries is addictive. You want to soak up each new culture and see as much of their homeland as possible whether it’s a famous landmark or a tiny pub filled with locals and stories. In my twenties – I learned polite phrases in each language, such as: Hello, Goodbye, Please, Thank you, Excuse me and Toilet! All the requisite pleasantries needed to navigate any situation. But, also in my twenties, you learned and shared all the national “colorful” words to emphasize that, “Excuse Me!” It was rare but good to know curse words when an Italian cab driver takes you the long route and ridiculing his American fare! Be careful though, Italians are feisty!! Most European countries speak multiple languages – English being an educational prerequisite. So, communicating was not as challenging as one would expect. Sadly,  our education system is so myopic that we don’t have Languages as a requirement to graduate. America is so egocentric that we consider the English language as the superior form of speech! It’s embarrassing to say that you don’t know French, German, Italian, Japanese, Dutch or Swedish – while they respond with perfect English grammar! We all bonded on universal words that typically fall in the profanity category.   Expanding your horizons by reading books is fantastic – but visiting the place that you just read about, amplifies those words to actually “Touching” that historical landmark (ex. - large magical pile of rocks in the middle of a field in Wiltshire, called “Stonehenge”) is electrifying! Sadly, you can no longer touch the stones – because of rude stupid people! ( read my last blog ) When I travel, if I’m  allowed  to touch it – I will. It’s hard to comprehend how old this world is and how many structures and landmarks have survived for us to see and cherish.  Learning about each place we visit and meeting the locals is key to a fantastic trip. Eating the local foods rather than searching out for an Americanized restaurant is also a necessary part of your itinerary and journey. For example: Wales has the BEST goat cheese and butter I’ve ever consumed – and I’ve consumed a lot of it! Ireland has endless ways of cooking a potato and I tried every recipe while admiring how many colors of green existed!! Ireland and Iceland have the best fish – which was caught just prior to cooking it for me to savor!! All the countries I’ve traveled to revere the first meal of the day – Breakfast! Every morning in Iceland – our hotel had 3 large rooms filled with all local foods and the first “Buffet” I’ve ever liked. You’ve never had granola until you go to Iceland!! I don’t eat breakfast often but when I travel – I’m sampling everything (except blood sausage)!   List of countries and islands I've been to: Nassau – Bahamas Bermuda x 3 Canada - East Mexico for lunch England – London only the first time Touring/Wroking: Holland x 10 or more Germany Austria Switzerland Belgium Luxembourg Italy – Mid & Southern & Sardinia Sweden Denmark Finland Norway Czech Republic Japan   Colleen & Ed's vacations to date: England/Wales/Scotland/Ireland x 4 Republic of Ireland (Northern Ireland) Iceland Australia   Ed: (worked for the Olympic Broadcasting) Canada – West & East England - London Italy – Northern - Turin Greece - Athens China – Beijing Japan – lived there for 5 years Brazil – Rio de Janeiro  Australia - Sydney Mexico 47 states (missing Montana, Wyoming and Alaska) of the USA – through WWE (Wrestling)   We want to go back to Great Britain and Ireland, Japan and Iceland We want to go to the Faro Islands, New Zealand, France, Spain, Portugal, Scandinavia, etc. We want to see more of the USA   Here’s a final thought – if you’re going to spend half your day/life on your phone and social media – then use part of that time doing something constructive and educate yourself about our own large country, the rest of the world and other cultures. Also, follow someone (ordinary person) on Facebook or Insta or whatever outlet you prefer – that lives outside your tiny bubble of friends/family/SM stars – that are from a different culture, lifestyle, age or gender – to broaden your world view and outlook on life. For example: I am following a young woman (Jessie) who lives in Montana – owns a ranch – adores horses and animals – liberal in her views – kind to our 4-legged friends and wants to save our planet. It’s refreshing to see different lifestyles and yet similar belief systems. It gives me hope for our planet – Mother Earth! If you want even more info on life, menopause, aging and other fun observations – not only check out my book but I have 32 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years, experiences and observations . My doctor appointment  and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, crazed older women, lovers of traveling and followers.   Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

October 18 - WORLD MENOPAUSE DAY!!!! It's about time we have a Women's Awareness Day - not just a Mother's Day. Not all of us are mothers, but all of us go through Menopause. Take this day to scream or sing at the top of your lungs about your change of life. Continue the conversation year-round to educate yourself, family, friends, co-workers and total strangers. It's time for Menopause to be a daily dialogue not a whispered internal conversation - weeping in the bathroom - talking to the mirror - over this confusing time (yes, I talk to the mirror). Everyone in this small world should be mindful of the women - half the population - and show some respect and regard for the physical and psychological changes that comes with Menopause. Maybe take some time to read an article or 2 or 3 while you're surfing the internet. So, Ladies, Give Yourself A Little Meno-plause!!! Your deserve it!! Colleen Meditation – Daily compliments, Daily appreciations, Daily worshipping. Menopause is a real HOT topic right now – literally! We all understand why Menopause is such a Hot Topic what with all the Hot Flashes and embarrassing sweat, etc. But why did it take so long for this to become a popular conversation? I’m seeing more articles and famous people talking about menopause in the last year than over the last 6.5 decades of my life!! For example, there are menopause articles/weekly segments in People magazine . Why you might ask - because obviously older women subscribe to People!! It just took them decades to realize they needed to focus on “older women” articles. I guess the editor, Wendy Naugle, finally hit menopause or admitted she is a menopausal woman or knows menopausal women – and in a mood swing moment decided she wanted to scream about this transition on a weekly basis. Well, I say, “It’s about f**king time Wendy!” I’m more of an Entertainment Weekly gal but they cancelled that mag and substituted People for my fav bathroom reading (oh, except for my book). Anyway, I’ll take what I can get because they are doing Menopause Articles. Why they haven’t interviewed me yet is a bit irritating!! My husband compliments me often and my immediate reaction is to negate or minimize the well-meant homage to my existence. I talk about this in my book and how mad/hurt Ed gets when I put myself down or turn his compliment into a negative. It’s so ingrained in my psyche that I can’t accept a simple gesture of flattery. Not even from my husband or those closest to me. Below is an excerpt from my book in Chapter 17 Positive Changes: “Kindness —Everyone should be kind. But I’m talking about being kind to yourself. I find this very challenging. I’m a genius when it comes to self-deprecation. Another thing my husband struggles with every day. He hates it when I put myself down. He thinks so highly of me and can’t understand why I hate myself. I don’t exactly hate myself but it’s a self-preservation trigger. I’ve struggled with self-worth my whole life and it’s hard to compliment myself. We should all be much kinder to ourselves!!! Just don’t become narcissistic!!!” Speaking of Ed – Here’s the story of how we met. After I was liberated from my first marriage, I moved to Baltimore to be near my Mom. I had no connections to the Baltimore Acting Community and trying to figure out my path post-divorce. Theatre had been my life’s ambition but I was emotionally challenged and struggling with self-esteem. I needed a job and became a leasing agent/manager in a hoity-toity apartment complex in the hip part of Baltimore. I was in my late 30’s and dating very casually and often. I had absolutely no interest in getting remarried or being tied down to one man. I was making up for lost time (my first marriage) and having fun. Or so I thought!! I was also thinking about leaving Baltimore and going back to NYC to reboot my acting career. I was working one Saturday and almost ready to leave for the day – when a repeat prospect walked through the door with a man in tow. Irene had already looked at one of the studio apartments – 6 times!!! She always asked (demanded) that we give her the full 1 hour tour every time. I will say this right up front – I detested Irene. Everyone in our office detested Irene. There are just a handful of people I’ve met over my lifetime that elicited an immediate reaction of dislike and distrust. We’ve all met someone that makes you instantly feel uncomfortable. You instinctively know that this person has dubious intentions and your reaction is to flee their presence. In other words, people who rub you the wrong way. I equate these people into 2 categories – narcissists and serial killers. Irene was the former. (BTW – I think I met one of the later during this job and quickly realized leasing was not my calling!!) Anyway, I grabbed the key to the studio unit she’d claimed she wanted and gave them the grand tour – for the 7th time. The man that was with Irene was very quiet and yet observing the friction that Irene gleefully spawned. She spent the entire time correcting me or reminding me that I left out some detail and to go back and do it all again. She kept whispering to her companion and then laughing at some imaginary inside joke that I was not privy to – in other words, reminding me I was her minion and a third wheel. She also kept giving me little digs and denigrating my job performance. I was getting really pissed off. The Scotch/Irish Colleen was approaching nuclear meltdown and ready to blow! After about an hour or so I finally let her have it. I didn’t hold back. I did not deserve her condescension and nasty remarks and let her know it. I terminated the tour and half-ran back to the office. I had longer legs than Irene!! She, of course, demanded to talk with my superior and I happily showed her to their office. I sat at my desk fuming and Irene’s friend/boyfriend/chaperone/other sat across from me. I eventually looked him in the eye and apologized for my behavior and told him that I’d NEVER reacted this way with a client. He very calmly said that he thought it was great! He said that he was doing Irene’s brother a favor by driving her around that day to all her various appointments and that she treated every other woman in the same manner and he couldn’t wait to get rid of her. I then complimented him on his cool Celtic tattoo on his mid-thigh (he was wearing shorts). It was really HOT! We chatted and hit it off while Irene tried to get me fired. I was fully prepared for that decision and not disappointed. Miss-I-think-way-too-highly-of-myself-Irene finally stomped out dragging the nice man with her. My boss did not fire me and we both prayed that she would never lease in the building!! We laughed about what a nasty nut she was and that her chauffeur was flirting with me. About 15 minutes later, I got a call from Irene’s pretend-boyfriend. I was not surprised because I suspected that he was a bit turned on by the encounter. He said that he’d lost his earring at our office and could he come back to find it. I said that I’d wait – while smirking at the obvious man-ploy to see me again. My boss and I casually looked around for this “earring” and knew it was not lost but in his pocket. When he arrived, he pretended to look around and finally came to the point. He asked me for my number. I told him that I was dating someone but would prefer that I get his phone number in the event that the relationship didn’t work out. I said that I would call him . Oddly, he looked really happy with my response. I was fairly confident with men at this time because I was not getting emotionally attached. My expectations were low and as a result – rarely disappointed. I called him within a week. Ed and I have been together since and married for 25 years. BTW – Ed told me that my “rejection” was the nicest one he’d ever had. One of Ed’s favorite sayings is – It all works out! I guess I should thank Irene for being a bitch and credit her for the (oblivious) matchmaking. I’m sure she’d have a spitting kitten if she knew!! Ed and I had some ups and downs while dating – but inevitably kept coming back to each other. It was meant to be. Both Ed and I had been married before – for 5 years and oddly during the exact same years. When we were approaching that huge and scary decision to take the next step in our relationship – Ed asked me “casually” - if we got married – what were my expectations. I immediately had an answer. I said, “I want to get married in Las Vegas. I want an Elvis impersonator to marry us. And I want to wear black.” Both Ed and I had semi-large weddings our first go-around and I DID NOT want to go through that circus again. At my age, it was a waste of money and time. Eloping to Vegas seemed like a fun story to tell our imaginary grandkids. Black is my favorite clothing color anyway, so that made perfect sense. When Ed proposed (at our very favorite restaurant – Charlestons ) he was so nervous and acting weird (more weird than normal). He had it all planned to pop the question during dessert – but couldn’t wait and did it before our entrees arrived. Really messed up the waiters timing on the celebratory engagement dessert. Neither of us could eat our expensive effing entrée!!! He asked me to fly to Las Vegas with him, get married by Elvis and please wear black. How could I say no!! He actually listened to me! So, we flew to Vegas, got married by Elvis (and officiated by a non-denominational minister just in case it wasn't legal) and I wore a long black dress. It was perfect!! The cherry on top was slot machines. I’m not a gambler but slots are fun. In Vegas, you can play the minute you land. I chose only Elvis slot machines and I won every time. I’m not exaggerating – I WON EVERY TIME. I would randomly see an Elvis slot and throw in a coin and win a few hundred dollars – over and over again. Then in the NYNY Casino I saw a ginormous one across the room and immediately felt the need to pull that big-ass lever. I won enough that all the bells and whistles went off – very loudly!!! I waited while Ed got a floor manager. I was surrounded by gamblers who politely asked if I needed assistance. One offered to hold the machine for me while I went in search for help. I said, “Do I look like I just fell off a turnip truck??” I paid for our entire trip in cash with money left over. Ed took pictures of me lying naked on our king size bed, in our massive suite, covered in cash. That picture will NOT be included in this blog!! We already knew our marriage was meant to be – but then a week or so after our wedding (4/3/98), we got a letter from grammy (my favorite person in the whole wide world) with a cartoon from the Bangor Daily Newspaper. Read the caption and date on this image – it was definitely an omen – and hilarious! Back to my topic-at-hand-clapping – MENO-PLAUSE!! I’m going to attempt to relate some “compliment” moments that really touched me and I honestly felt pride at the sincere acknowledgements of my fashion choices. Having your own style, feeling comfortable and confident makes people notice you. This works both ways. When I notice someone that is unique and draws my attention to their singularity – I must share my admiration with them. I have never gotten attitude when I’ve applauded a person’s distinctiveness. Giving and receiving compliments makes you feel warm and fuzzy!! Below is an excerpt from my book in Chapter 15 Fashion: “Another point I’d like to make. When did we stop expecting compliments? I’m not talking about your partner’s flattery—but when a total stranger acknowledges and applauds your personal choices. It’s always a surprise and never forgotten. Euphoria feels good!” Compliments From Strangers Somehow Seem More Meaningful . Compliment #1 - Ed and I attended his cousin’s wedding in upstate Maryland at an historical venue. I was in my 50’s and tend to dress a little different than others expect of someone my age – whatever that means!!! Neither of us knew many people at the wedding – because most were under 30! I noticed this naturally stunning woman wandering around the gardens with camera equipment. She was wearing a traditional dress to fit in amongst the guests – but had a super cool leather garment to hold her camera lenses and had a quiet grace that made my eyes follow her. I complimented her on her photography-leather-strapped-vest-belt-thingy and she seemed really pleased that someone noticed her personally designed photography garment. We chatted a little bit before she had to get back to work. After our post wedding dinner, the music finally started and I Love Me Some Good Dance Music!! This DJ needed some help with his music selection. He was missing the mark on the “best wedding dance tunes.” But eventually played Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” which got my juices going! NO ONE from my table would dance with me. Everyone at our table was my age or older. My husband loves music, but dislikes dancing publicly. So, I said Screw It and took over my own little section of the dance floor. I need room when I dance (flail)! All alone in my own little dance universe – moving with utter abandonment and enjoying the beat – separating myself from the 12-year-old drunken wedding party – I had my own personal flashmob. I was unaware that the photographer had been taking pictures of me during most of this song. She came up to me afterwards and leaned into my damp ear and whispered, “I want to be you when I grow up! You are fantastic!” Rather than take offense that she thought I was an octogenarian – I flushed and sweated with pride and flattery. I admit I do not dress like what people expect of a typical AARP member and Medicare approved woman. She also said she loved my outfit and thought I was so Cool! I never saw the wedding pix, but she told me that she’d been taking photos of me all day!! Compliment #2 – During Covid we rarely went to public places. But things were calming down and we decided we’d go to a restaurant during off hours to avoid a crowd. I was feeling a little down that day due to all the isolation. It was winter so I was covered head to toe in black. I had on this black sweater I’d had for years that was like a thick woven dress that came to above my knees but unusual and cool – with black tights and my favorite black leather combat boots. I also wear the same jewelry daily that I’ve had for the last 35 years by a designer called Pat Pearlman . She designs naked people jewelry and it takes a unique person to notice that they are naked people!! Our waitress came over and she immediately started gushing about my outfit, my jewelry, my hair, my glasses and my overall fashion choices. She just kept on going. She said how much she admired my boldness and cool attitude. At first, I thought she was angling for a good tip – but when she kept pointing out all the things she liked about me I realized that she was not fishing but the kind of person that believed in vocalizing her feelings. The fact that she noticed I had naked people on my ears told me she was observant and spoke her mind. She made my day, week and year! My mood changed in an instant and I will never forget her for that. She was also a wonderful waitress and deserved a great tip! I get compliments from younger women in particular and at the oddest times. So why do I keep judging myself so harshly? Compliment #3 – My sister and I were walking around an area near us that has a lot of foot traffic and walker friendly. A couple around our age walked past us whispering and looking back over their shoulders. Next thing I know they stop, turn and the husband says, “I love your hair. Where do you get your hair cut?” I thought, “How strange. I’m not used to a man liking short hair.” His wife had gorgeous long hair swept up into a cool bun. Something I haven’t been able to do since I was a child. She starts gushing how much she loves my hair cut and the way I dress and how brave I am. The two of them carried on this one-sided conversation about my hair and how to convince the wife to boldly take the leap and go short. It was funny and sweet. My hair salon was at the end of the street and I gave them my stylists name. They were so grateful and continued to talk about me and my hair as they walked away. Of course, this was before Covid and I dyed my hair a platinum white for years. When your hair is dyed, it has tons more body and I was really good at manipulating it to spike up. It was my best hair phase!! I stopped dying my hair during Covid assuming it would grow out to a stunning white or gray – but turned into what I call Wet Straw Blonde. I plan on doing a whole blog about hair (and glasses). I’m obsessed and have discovered millions of people are equally passionate about this topic. Compliment #4 – Ed and I were going through a “down” time in our small universe. I won’t go into detail, but it was just a somewhat quiet and sad moment in our story. Time just felt “slow.” We decided to just get out of the house and went to the mall to walk around one night. We stopped for a smoothie. He sat while I walked over and ordered. I remember feeling very calm and reflective while I waited. When I approached Ed, he said in a soft voice, “You are so elegant.” Time stood still. I think this was the nicest and most sincere compliment I’ve ever gotten. It’s also the only time I didn’t make a self-deprecating joke. Compliment #5 – My most recent unprompted compliment was at a friend’s party. We did not know anyone at this party except for the hostess. It was a packed house. I was wandering through the crowd and had to cut one group in half to get by and while in the middle of them became a topic of conversation. All the ladies gushed over my jeans and top – and even my long legs? (I’m only 5’6”?) To counteract my squirming I told them where to purchase my outfit. They were very sweet. Later one of them leaned in and said she loved my hair and glasses. Once again, having strangers compliment you is unexpected and gives you a much-needed boost. Don’t think that I go around looking for compliments. I do not leave my house with the intention of seeking out attention and acknowledgment. I just really appreciate when a total stranger or loved one takes the time to see me . It reminds me that I am not invisible. Sometimes the universe steps in and gives you an unexpected boost when you need it most. These 5 compliments were needed and appreciated at vulnerable moments in my life. Fragile moments that I wasn't even aware of - but putting out to the universe to give me a little pat on the back. We all deserve these pats!! As we age – we are called Mature Women. But are we? I’ve been called a mature woman for at least 2.5 decades – because anyone under 35 thinks anyone over 40 is OLD. Why do you reach a certain age and everyone starts calling you “Ma’am?” Aren’t we just women? Why label us? I also think of myself as a body aged and processed for 65 years and a mind that stopped aging at 12. Fart jokes still make me snort with laughter. I consider myself old(er) not OLD. I’m still a neurotic 12-year-old at heart. I still sing and dance with uninhibited enthusiasm but always with the consideration, “Don’t break a hip!”, in the back of my mind. Aging Gracefully. What the f**k does that mean? Is there an alternative? Sounds like a warning to me. Age gracefully OR ELSE!! I don’t know if I’ve aged “gracefully” but I know I’ve aged. I think we should flip this little aphorism to the following alternatives (antonyms): 1. Aging Ungraciously 2. Aging Awkwardly 3. Aging Atrociously 4. Aging Clumsily 5. Aging Crudely 6. Aging Abysmally 7. Aging Annoyingly (my personal favorite) Don’t get me wrong – aging gracefully is fine. It just needs updating! How about just saying, "You're graceful!" I would then reply with a happy, "Thank you!" Take away from this wordy blog: Compliments from strangers are the best! Compliments feel great! Be kind to yourself! We are not invisible! We are all relevant! Give yourself a little Meno-plause! You deserve it! I want you all to think about the compliments that impacted your life the most. Accolades that made you smile inside and out. The “float on air” adulation from loved ones or total strangers. Remembering them and keeping them in our hearts keeps us young. Give yourself a pat on the back every now and then. Just don’t be narcissistic. I’ll end on an Ed-ism. Colleen – Why did I walk into this room? Ed – To Brighten it up! Give me this day, my Daily Beg! Help an old(er) lady out and help me promote my book!! Help me become relevant! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! I recommend you purchase the soft cover book during Pre-Sale for the preferred reading experience! I have pages at the end of the book for you to add your own menopausal journey! Click the links on my book page. Great holiday gift or stocking stuffer!! I really hope you’ll sign up and become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh

Pink is a powerful and underestimated color! It is no longer a fragile, ultra-feminine, save-me-or-I’ll-get-the-vapors color but an "Amazon Warriors" cry to acknowledge our strength and relevance. Yes, it signifies femininity, compassion, nurturing – but “Love” is the power behind Pink! Breast cancer uses pink as their cry to arms! Pink symbolizes good health and happiness. All positive traits that we take for granted. The blockbuster movie “ Barbie ” rallied females of all ages to not only be entertained but hear their message about women's strength, spirit and solidarity. It was a significant and unifying message heard around the world – just listen to the honest, compelling and mobilizing speech by actress, America Ferrara . When I listened to her impassioned monologue, that touched every female soul in the theatre, I felt a surge of connected energy and heard our internal howl of anguish, anger and societal injustice at not being seen or heard. I wanted them to rewind and play it again and again and again! Hammer that energy into every little girl in the world! I felt empowered and “Tickled Pink!!” I decided to do a blog about clothing and aging because I recently shopped for an upcoming wedding (next summer) and it resulted with some internal conflict. An impassioned dialog between my multiple personalities arguing that their point of view should win the day. A dialog that has been ongoing since my 30’s. What is “dressing age appropriate?” This is an ageless and enduring topic for a lot of women. Back in the “olden days” you covered your body head to toe until you reached the age for your coming out (debutante debut for the marriage market - to the highest bidder). Showing an ankle was indecent and you were called wanton and amoral (slut). If your husband died, you wore black for the rest of your life (at whatever age you happened to be at the time of his demise) or until you remarried. I personally wouldn’t have minded the black wardrobe but in that era colorful dresses and accessories were all the rage!!  In terms of my age (65) - age appropriate rules for the masses were stricter in the 50’s, 60’s and even the 70’s. The 80’s started evolving with an “liberating attitude.”  Ms. Fonda was in her mid-40’s when she started an Aerobic Revolution for women of all ages. I was in my 20’s and thought Jane was old but HOT!!! I wanted to be her when I grew up!! I wanted her body, influence and money!! Aerobics were classes for any age and women felt more emancipated and as a result standards changed. Toes tested the water, hair got bigger, colors got bolder, and shoulders got broader. I’m in no way condoning most of 80’s fashion but it had its merits in giving women a voice and sense of self-expression (albeit a misguided one). I wouldn’t be caught dead in shoulder pads today, but I certainly bought into that linebacker silhouette - “I am woman hear me roar or I might tackle you” statement. Our social and cultural guidelines on what is appropriate to wear depending on your age has relaxed in the 21st century – but I still see censure when it comes to “old ladies” and what the current fashion trends allow and don’t allow. We have evolved but with caveats. Let’s call them the Fashion Constabulary!   I remember meeting up with my sister a few years ago for a girl’s Saturday of lunch and window shopping. We were walking down The Avenue (open shopping mall) sipping nitro cold brew – when this mature couple (little younger than us) passed by, whispered and whipped around to ask a question. We assumed the woman had the question – but it was her husband instead. He gushed, “I love your haircuts! They are so cool. You both look so cool. Where do you have your hair cut? I’d love my wife to cut hers short like yours.” We were a bit stunned but flattered. His wife had long pretty hair up in a casual twist. The antithesis to our styles. Both my sister and I have short, spiky cuts. My hair was dyed platinum with dark roots and hers was pink. At the time – we also went to the same hair salon. Growing up we typically had different haircuts but as we’ve aged – short has become the norm. I don’t think we convinced his wife to cut off all her long naturally beautiful hair – but it tickled us that a man seemed turned on by crazy short hair rather than the cliched long. I also need to add how we were dressed. When I retired, I no longer needed to follow the boring work dress code (which only applied to me). I had a drawer full of tights that I could finally wear daily in comfort (not just working out). My sister had been wearing tights for a long time and I was thrilled that I could now emulate her savvy fashion sense. We were both wearing leggings with black combat boots, tops that covered just below our (less perky) bottoms and black leather jackets with scarves. The only article of clothing that was truly identical was our boots – which was a coincidence purchase. I knew she had a pair, and I needed cold weather boots and happened to purchase the exact same ones she had (subconscious copycat). This stranger/woman was so feminine and kittenish. She was pretty and fragile, and we looked very imposing and dangerous. For me, the (anti)color “black” makes me feel empowered (evil) and mysterious (scary)! That’s why 85% of my closet(s) are tones of black and blacker! But more on that later!  Whether we like it or not – when you hit 30 – anyone younger considers you old. At 65 – I find this bizarre – 30  is  young. I felt physically fantastic and at my peak of pretty in my 30’s. Too bad most of it was spent miserable in a mock marriage and recovering from the end of that mock marriage (divorce). It was also my horniest decade. Thank God I met Ed at 38. He got a couple good years before it all went to menopausal hell!! During my 30’s I started to come into my adventurous phase of style (had more money) and weened myself off my “Goth” comfort zone (had no money). Brighter colors and bigger prints. I wanted to be noticed and show off my tight Aerobic bod! I was young (naive) and wanted my marriage to work despite all (his) obstacles. I wanted to be liked and loved. It makes me sad to look back on my feverish enthusiasm (desperation) that was never going to fruit into reality. But I tried my best and do not regret all my energetic endeavors (misled optimism). I now know that it was not my fault. Topic for another blog. This fanciful fashion trend only lasted for about 5 years until I reverted back to black and cynical (post-divorce - f**ked up and angry). I floundered in my 40’s – the peri-menopausal weight gain years. Nothing fit well and dowdy is the word that comes to mind. Anything to cover up my crazed 26-additional-pounds of menopausal befuddlement, agony and depression. It doesn’t help that I was in another debilitating relationship – sad and angry 24/7. BTW - I’m not talking about my husband Ed! I took back some control (with menopause limitations) in my 50’s. I was on a Pilates high and became whip slim. But evil forces (Mr. Schadenfreude - chapter 7 in my book) ripped down my increasingly positive energy and black clothing took over – to fuel my fury! I strived to look in control - mature and enigmatic – but I was angry and battling for sovereignty over my soul. It was like swimming up current in a lava flow (hot flashes). It was a dangerous time mentally. I was content with my physical self but my mental health and menopause coalesced into a deep dark rage against anything with a penis. As I approached 60 – I wanted to spill blood (not my own - I no longer had PERIODS)! Gradually - as menopause eased into post-menopause acceptance – I knew it was time for a readjustment.   In my early 60’s – Mother Earth shoved me down a new path. The year – 2020 - was the advent of a world-wide plague and isolation. When Covid hit I initially lost all hope and from that deep chasm of pain – I gradually saw a sliver of light. Within a year I made the decision to quit my virulent (infectious) job. I was sinking – but Covid eventually gave me the impetus to fight my way back to humanity.   We all experience pain and question our decisions. In your darkest moments – find humor and turn it around to your advantage. Laugh at your pain - because life is full of absurdities and evil forces that will tear you down! “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” (what Nietzsche said) Suffering is inevitable and balances us. It makes us more resilient. It make us appreciate our existence. As I mentioned earlier (sister story), my wardrobe changed along with my attitude about myself and my life (freedom). Once I’d removed the albatross (job), I wore tights and tees for the remainder of our Covid restrictions – to date. Comfortable and ease of motion (OCD cleaning). I needed all the relief I could get to traverse a plague, mentally recover from my abusive rabbit holes, find my purpose and write my menopausal memoir.    Black – like my soul – is often my color of choice – but sometimes you’ve just got to wear pink!! The past couple years I started experimenting with colors again - blue, pink, maroon, green – subtle colors and patterns in tops – dresses and large sweaters to go over leggings and with my converse sneakers, ankle boots (heels) and combat boots – and fun colorful (subversive) socks! I had fun with outfits that were simple for grocery shopping, hip for going to a restaurant, upscale for parties. I’ve always worked out in tights but took a leaf from my sister’s book and made tights a fun challenge for everyday wear and any occasion. I got patterned tights with comfy sweaters for winter to elevate my spirit (cheer) in the cold temps. I mix and match my clothes with flair and out of the norm. If I wear jeans or pants – once again – I choose to wear things that a woman of my years would normally not wear. I dress younger but careful not to look too foolish (absurd). I often get complements on my outfits – usually with a look of surprise when given – as if older women should not look cool and worthy of acknowledgement (like I yelled "BOO" at them). But I’ll take anything at this stage and relish it!! Compliments raise the spirits (not as in the DEAD – but make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside)!   I added a chapter in my   book   about Fashion and menopausal (aging) women. When society thinks we have “aged out” of looking trendy – it becomes a challenge to redefine yourself while still liking what you see in a mirror. I strive for simple but elegant while still being playful and at ease with my choices. I like looking relevant without showing my boobies or too much skin! There is a difference between dressing age appropriate and screaming, “F**k you Fashion Constabulary! I want to wear that crop top and tutu!!”    Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All  – excerpt from  Fashion (chapter 15) :   The Potato Sack Syndrome! A friend of mine mentioned that a lot of women bring up the topic of fashion during their menopausal years. We discover that there are no fashionable clothing options created for women in our age group. It’s like the designers decided to go from creating fashions for women in their 20s, 30s and maybe 40s and forego the next 4 decades. It’s just not worth their effort. I guess, they think we’ve given up on looking trendy and appealing and are not willing to spend the time or money. Well, I say, “Fuck You!” I still want to look cool!   Sadly though, I understand their logic. And yet, I personally choose to disagree with it!   Since being a child—I’ve noticed that women of a certain age—decided that when they hit that certain age—they should only wear clothing that repels admiration and envy. They began to wear a certain kind of “uniform” when they reached menopause. Drab of color and shapeless—like a potato sack! This potato sack came in a limited variety of colors not seen in youthful fashion. Also, they decided that once the uniform was established—they had to purchase 10 of every piece. Thus, began the acceptance of defeat and conformity to society’s vision, however delusional, of what our fate as older women will become. I call this, “The Potato Sack Syndrome!”   Tops —Shirts, blouses and sweaters become boxy and ill-fitting. When did the Lego company start a fashion line? Nothing fits properly and God forbid anything clings. Material is always a sub-par cotton or polyester—unrefined in every sense of the word. It never looks comfortable. It connotes defeat. Even when the top has a V-neck—it never extends past the clavicle. It’s like we suddenly decided that Puritans were hip. Pants —When did the elastic waistband become a fashion statement? I thought that was only designated for infants and toddlers. Once again, material and shape remain unflattering. Just because the pants are cropped and trending at the time—does not mean this looks good. It actually emphasizes the body parts you personally despise. Jackets and Blazers— I know that jackets and blazers are a really good way of covering up your boxy tops and pants—but it just added 10 lbs. to your overall statement. The 80s were a decade of unforgivable fashion choices. Footwear— For the Love of God—clunky orthopedics is a sin against humanity! There is a great invention called insoles or inserts. You can put them in really cool shoes and no one would be the wiser. I also personally find Crocs to be the ugliest creation in my lifetime. No offense, but if you must wear something in this family—try some clogs or sneakers and get your dignity back.   Why don’t we like our bodies and the female form—no matter what size? Where are these women shopping? When did big, embroidered flowers come back into fashion? I don’t mean to harp and denigrate—but I refuse to tailor my fashion choices to what the world expects 64-year-old women to look like.   Fashion is a personal statement. Dress however you want. But don’t give up on yourself, your dignity and don’t do the expected. Just because you are 40 or 50 or 60 or 70 or 80 doesn’t mean you have to dress like you work in a potato field (which I did for many years, and it was not pretty). I wouldn’t wear a belly shirt and see-through tights with a thong! I don’t want to look ridiculous! Some clothing is reserved for the young body—but I still want to look vital.   There is absolutely no reason why a menopausal aged woman can’t shop at any store she desires. There are plenty of stores that accommodate to both the youth and the adult. Also, most companies now accommodate all shapes and sizes. You just need to learn the art of combining and coalescing articles of clothing. Blacks, grays and dark colors in general are more flattering to the female shape. By adding an accent of color in your tops, socks, shoes or jewelry make it more impactful and trendier. You don’t have to be rich to be sophisticated. Being older automatically gives you the right to be sophisticated. Keep it simple and add the whimsy and elegance to your accessories. We are all Queens in our little Fiefdoms!   Another point I’d like to make. When did we stop expecting compliments? I’m not talking about your partner’s flattery—but when a total stranger acknowledges and applauds your personal choices. It’s always a surprise and never forgotten. Euphoria feels good!   I am a creature of habit ( OCD ) but every now and then I like to take risks. My niece, Dani, is getting married next summer. I am so excited for this event that I started mapping out what I’d like to wear – even though it was a year away. I don’t get out much!! I rarely have occasion to wear something nice (never). I loved this sky-blue long dress that I found while surfing the old Google – but once I found out the designer and how much it cost – I humbly resigned myself to Plan B. I decided to check out my go-to “special occasion” store in the mall – Anthropologie . I’ve purchased from this store for the last 4 weddings that I’ve attended. I also have a budget – so it becomes a fashion challenge. I wanted a longer dress this time with some stipulations:  A. No low cut bodice – Buying a bra to accommodate the cleavage silhouette while also containing the jiggling effect to a minimum of seismic activity - is more than I care to deal with. I'm smallish but Jell-Oish. Bra Hunting – like a Safari – is illusive and terrifying!   Clicking on an Instagram post and being inundated with BRA manufacturers – targeting younger women – but promising their bra can assist any age and perk up those old wobbly boobs. Whetting our “appe-titties!” As you age – it becomes more difficult to find the perfect comfortable bra. You start eliminating lingerie stores (for the young) like – Victoria Secrets, etc. You start wishing they made a sports bra that was easier to take on and off - not a torture device. You linger on all those ads on Instagram and Facebook – loudly proclaiming their bras are the best in the world! Starting to think you need to wear a bra 24/7 because left to their own devices – they are relocating south towards your belly button. Eliminating jumping jacks or jogging from your work out regiment. I have this uncontrollable urge to video myself putting on a bra to show all the young beautiful women on social media what reality looks like in 40 years. Remember – elasticity at age 65 is dwindling (gone). Your firm and perky boobies eventually detach from your upper torso and hang loosely and conforming to your rib cage. When you scoop them up and gently pour them into a bra cup, you give the world an impression of stability and form. But once you take that first step or bounce up and down during an upbeat song – the illusion disappears, and reality sets in for all to see and fear! The boobs of a 25-year-old woman versus a 65-year-old is a vastly different visual when dancing to “Funk Town!” If you ever watched an entire stadium of fans do “The Wave” – that is what a 65-year-old body looks like when energetically dancing.    B. No halter top, string sleeves or open back – Another bra issue. I CANNOT go without wearing a bra. At 65 – this is not a debate (see above)!! I also have OAS (old age spots) along my bra line - which an open back design would leave my barnacles vulnerable to ridicule (my brother Michael). The alternative would be strategically tattooing the QE2 while covering my upper back - including my barnacles for authenticity. A cruise liner tattoo would be too hard to explain!   C. No skin-tight or slinky clingy material – I’m in good shape, but I don’t feel like sucking in my sagging skin suit and clenching my buttocks for about 8 hours (see above). That body-grip would eventually extend up my neck, with an end result of a sweating red rictus grin! Having EMT’s summoned during the wedding to revive a passed-out, vain, old fool would take all the attention away from the Bride & Groom!! Dancing would be forbidden which would break my heart because I’m an enthusiastic and uninhibited (ferocious) dancer. Only my sister can tame (restrain) the beast with choreographed dance numbers.  I maneuvered around the Anthropologie displays and tried on a bunch of dresses, but nothing floated my boat (ocean liner). I was ready to abandon the Anthro plan but decided to do one more circuit. I saw a couple adorable shorter dresses – but did not want to deal with hiding my veiny legs and purchasing new shoes (fancy combat boots). Back in the corner I spied a fluff of material that looked strangely tantalizing – so I investigated. They were ankle-length skirts that came in black (my fav) and rose pink. The sprite-like skirt was layered lacy petals of tulle material. Kind of like an 18th century petticoat. My first thought was, “An adult tutu!!! Brilliant!!” I grabbed the black one out of habit and raced back to the changing rooms. I happened to be wearing tights and a thin short top which was perfect for trying on this skirt with a snug waist band. I fell in love, preened in the mirror and giggled like a little girl!! I felt so feminine and pretty!! I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror!! I didn’t care that I would have to find a top and shoes to go with this lacy confectionary – I wanted my tutu and no one (society) was going to stand in my way!! I ran out and bellowed for Ed – who was sitting in a comfy chair in the mall corridor playing backgammon. I shoved the tutu in his face and whisper-threatened, “I’m buying this!” I suspect that I looked somewhat demented holding a large ball of fairy lace as I waited for his “man-splanation” on why I shouldn’t – but he surprised me and said, “If you like it – you should.” I had not purchased anything for myself in so long – that I started babbling like a mad woman to the salesclerks. The price was a little more than planned – but less than I thought it would be.    When I got home, I immediately tried on every top that I owned – but none went with this magical skirt. I looked online and was equally frustrated. I found an interesting ($$) boutique site and was ready to purchase when I backed away from the computer and grabbed my car keys. I told Ed that I was having a “Girl Day” and headed for the mall. I also brought my black tutu because a lightbulb went off in my manic brain. I realized that the top I was just going to purchase online was a swirl of colors – orange, purple and black! Halloween colors!! I was going to a summer wedding and would have shown up in costume – a witch’s costume – warts and all. I had clearly lost my mind. I bee-lined it to Anthro again and decided to try on the rose pink tutu. I grabbed a few tops and headed for my changing room (yes, I had the same one as last time). I tried on the rose pink one and then the black one. I went back to the pink one and tried on tops. None were right – but I now knew what I needed - a childs top. I exchanged the skirts and sadly left my Halloween costume behind – Princess Pink won out. I had a mission and stopped at every young girl store until I reached my “Bingo”. Nordstroms has a section of tops for teenage/college aged young women. It was crop-top heaven!! This was the style that I had to purchase for this skirt because of the 2-inch elastic waistband. The only other option was a body suit which would have been problematic if it only came in a thong-style and didn’t open in the crotch!! I grabbed a slew of tiny tops and tried them on with my skirt. I found my top almost immediately!! Rose Pink form-fitted crop top that ended at the waist band of my tutu. If I lifted my arms my tummy showed but not in an embarrassing way. I even have shoes to go with this ensemble. Antique short heels - pink with rose pink petal applique – that I’ve only worn once. When I got home Ed insisted on a runway show. I vogued and sashayed for my audience of one. He was pleased and we took pix to send to my niece and sister. Dani liked it but thought I’d roast in my top (long-sleeved and short turtleneck). I run cold, so I wasn’t concerned, and it will be in Maine which is always 10-20 degrees cooler than where I live. But, to her point, I think I’ll head back to Nordstroms and purchase a back-up short-sleeved top for dancing – along with a pair of ballet shoes (sneakers)!! I still need to plan out my make-up (fairy dust) and lipstick (pink). Ignore those naysayers that demand you conform to dressing "Age Appropriate!" I’ll still look perplexing and ridiculous to some at the wedding, but screw the Fashion Constabulary! I’m trying something new and want to feel Pretty in Pink!   We all want to be a “Princess” every now and then.   Why can’t I be a Princess at 65? I’m not saying we need to be saved, coddled or treated like we’re a fragile porcelain doll. If you think of every “Princess Fairytale” you’ve ever read (or watched) and seen what hell that bitch must go through prior to remotely winning her freedom – you’d want to be treated like a Princess for a day too! Not far from real life in some respects. It’s fun to step outside your comfort zone and gamble on that crazy outfit. I have a year to change my mind – but I’m determined to wear this frivolous tutu and OWN IT!! I’m already searching for a little purse and pink footless leggings. Sometimes you’ve just got to wear Pink!!   So Ladies – put on your big-girl Princess Panties, purchase that outfit that you’ve secretly coveted and wear it with pride while you - “Work That Runway of Life - Beeyatch!!” If you want even more info on menopause and aging – not only check out my book but I have 30 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years. My doctor appointment and middle child blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent .  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, crazed older women and followers.   Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh