A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Aging! It's time for a Menopause update!!
- Colleen McIntosh
- Aug 7, 2024
- 17 min read
Updated: Aug 17, 2024
A lot of funny things have happened in my life since I started The Menopause and transitioned into aging! It's time for a Menopause update!!! Instead of spouting platitudes (like men love to do) – such as: “Everything happens for a reason.” “This too shall pass.” “It’ll all work out for the best.” And my personal favorite – “It’s all in your head!” I’m going to share all the additional fun facts and mutations that have occurred since I started talking about and writing about my menopausal journey. Sharing some new anomalies since I published my book – to date – as I’ve reached the ripe-old age of 65.
First of all - you should “Hate Read” my book and blog! That will catch you up to speed with the cosmic joke that is Menopause! I don’t know anyone who looked forward to The Menopause! You can’t avoid it – but you can read about the reality of what’s potentially barreling down the pike of life! The most important advice I can give you is to start laughing about it now. A cliché that’s spot on is - “Laughter is the best medicine (unless it's running down your leg)!"
We’ve spent our entire lives in a “Count Down!” I call them, “The Decade Years.” I’ve always felt that every decade birthday brings on significant transmutations in your body and psyche – for better or worse – pending your attitude. Unfortunately, I have discovered that 60 was my last Decade adjustment (aging deformations). We are on a fast track time-lapse – which is now every 5 years (quinquennial). You have reached a new (st)age in your lifetime - degrading rapidly and have some big decisions to make because time is running out.
Currently, the stats have women’s life expectancy in the U.S. at 79.25 years (men are at 73 – we win). Also, your lifespan inheritance is determined more from the maternal side of your family. Other than a serious illness, most of the women on my mom’s side live between 85 – 90. I married a man who is 5 years younger than me – so maybe we’ll average out and go at the same time! I may have to shave off a few years for my bad behavior – but that’s a whole other blog!
It’s time for me to update all you ladies (and gentlemen) on menopause and aging (at 65). I’m fast approaching 66 (October baby – Libra) and I feel compelled to let all of you know what happens to your mind and body at 65. A major turning point in life.
When you turn 65 – you are officially considered a “Senior.” It’s not the euphoric year that you experienced when you graduated from High School – with your whole life ahead of you and endless possibilities. Now it's the “I have about 20 more years to live” epiphany (if I wrap myself in bubble wrap)! Put in those terms – is a harsh reality of “F**K ME!!” That Bucket List takes on a whole new meaning. Panic sets in and time is running out to: climb Mt. Everest, give your acceptance speech for winning the best actress Oscar, do the Lord of the Rings tour in New Zealand, see women running the world, witness climate change reversed and the world saved, meet Jamie Lee Curtis or Helen Mirren or David Sedaris or Timothy Olyphant, finally read the last book in the Game of Thrones series (if he ever gets off his ass and writes it), have a million followers on my website and social media, make money on my book, finish my second book, etc. etc. I don’t really want to climb Mt. Everest but the other BL’s listed are a sampling of my life-long dreams (hurdles to achieve). My F**k-it List starts to fade a little each year. My top three famous men that I’d love to "cuddle with" also age and become less stimulating – even though they are all younger than me. It makes me sad and weary – because I use them to fall asleep at night. After I’ve set up my dream scenario of a romance novel heat-meet – I tend to nod off just before I get any action! I’m not complaining – because I’ll do anything to fall asleep!!
As I was approaching my 65th birthday, I had to learn all about Medicare and make some decisions that would affect the remainder of my breathing years. Any government funded organization, like Medicare, must be created by sadistic, miserable, narcissistic monsters. They are adept at vagueness. Navigating the Medicare site was a puzzle of ambiguity and vagary. You spend a tremendous amount of time clicking from one screen to another – looking for answers that result in "smoke" screens. Illusive wisps of information but no definitive conclusions. Frustration should have a new definition: Headache, disappointment, exasperation – something that is a source of irritation. An emotion felt when someone’s expectations are not met. The feeling of impatience or anger caused by not finding the answers to your Medicare questions. The irony is that you join Medicare at 65 (not 25 or 35) when your brain is deteriorating. Add in Menopause and you are dazed and confused. It took months of research until I felt somewhat confident in signing up for Medicare – while realizing that I was now in my mom’s age bracket! I suggest that all school curriculums add a class in “Medicare.” They should start teaching this in Pre-school because it might take you that long to figure this sh*t out!
I am now a proud woman of somewhat learned years and a card-carrying Medicare enrollee (drafted into the battle with my foe - aging). I felt like I ran the New York Marathon by the time I hit that Go Button. Walking through that next-stage-door, saying goodbye to my youth/middle age. I expect this Medicare Card to hold great power, give me tons of perks, cash incentives and have decided it’s time everyone play by my rules! I love slapping my old lady cards (Medicare/AARP) down in front of a pimply faced kid at the movie theatre counter – and happily receive (demand) my $2 discount!
I retired from a 9 to 5 (24-7) job a couple years earlier than planned. Retiring from the “Work Force” was necessary for my health and cathartic. I was being deployed into hostile territory everyday. Thrown into combat by a wan-na-be General who grunted commands all day but saw no action. Going to war was not what I expected when I enlisted (got hired). So, I left before I lost my life or a limb (soul). I finally got to do that proverbial "mic drop." I’m tired but not retired from being creative though! Making this decision helped slow down my aging process a smidge. I did, however, add some new unexpected stresses once I fulfilled my active service with the “military”, but it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My sister, Bridget, sagely told me recently, “Retirement is working to save whatever life you have left!” I wish I'd done it sooner. I am now living as a “Functional Retired Weirdo!!” Still insane but I can pass for normal if I so choose.
Let's re-educate you about what happens at 65 years-of-age (other than becoming elderly). It’s time for a Menopausal Update! Subtle tweaks to my aging body that still elicit a squeal of apprehension, mild disgust and a weary giggle!
If you’ve read my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!!, then you are now familiar with some of the symptoms of “The Menopause”, as well as the aging process as a result. If you haven’t read my book – shame on you – but it’s not too late. I continue the conversation in my blogs. You don’t just have a couple years of this life-altering transition, but your mind and body continue to morph as you age. Each year bringing some new distorted reality that shocks you upon discovery - every time.
Some of us age more gracefully than others – but even the most beautiful ageless woman has subtle changes that only she may see – or hides better.
I have 17 concise chapters of horror, humility and humor in my book but not every chapter needs an update. At 65 - Periods are still dead and done, Hot Flashes are almost non-existent, thank God, and Sleeplessness has always been an issue but less angry. So that leaves me only 14 chapters to expand upon.
Mood Swings (chapter 3) still exist because I am a complicated (psychotic) woman. I don’t call them “mood swings” anymore – but my “patience” gets tested regularly. As I’ve mentioned in my book, men (in particular) triggered the mood swing. That has not changed. I admit that my patience barometer can be unpredictable at times if a man is in the vacinity. My excuse is the following: Man-splaining is a disease inflicted entirely on the male species. The medical community, primarily of the male persuasion, has found no cure – however – women have known the solution to this illness since time began. The cure for this male affliction is, “Just Shut The F**k Up!!!”
Hormones (chapter 5) have disappeared and left no forwarding address. I will mourn those invisible, magical, youthful “Whore Moans” until I breath my last one. It’s like your favorite pair of shoes that fit like a dream, looked fabulous and made you feel like a movie star. The shoes that made you strut with confidence. But shoes, like hormones, don’t last forever. Everything wears out. In hindsight, you always wish that you’d bought 5 pairs. But those favorite shoes go out of fashion and never to be seen or purchased again. Hormones kept the engine primed and running – purring like a kitten – until they didn’t. They maintained my chassis and kept me purring like a cougar til my 40's (old age kitten). I'm no longer purring but corroding!
Memory Loss (chapter 6) continues to be an issue. It’s now a daily endeavor of maintaining focus. I’m not quite as hyper as I used to be – and my multi-tasking skills have waned – but it would be nice to know what f**king day it is!!! Usually when I’m just starting to wake up – my brain groggily yawns and stretches – revs and then splutters out. I lay there as if an amnesiac and a twinge of unease creeps in to curdle my insides. Often my first thought is, “What day is it?” My fear of dementia has become my shadow. Once I’ve cleared my nightmare cobwebs – I can figure out the day of the week by going over my to-do list (OCD says, "What?"). Usually, a cleaning assignment will remind me, but even that is not foolproof. I keep a calendar on the kitchen wall near the fridge and my iced coffee!! Caffeine jolts the old noggin! I take Lions Mane supplements to boost the old gray matter – but my cognitive powers have diminished over time. Senior moments become the norm!
A couple days ago I finished working out and vacuuming, and decided to grab my phone and take Tater for a walk. I ran upstairs and put my sneakers on. I looked down at my hand to find that I was grasping the TV remote – not my phone. I promised myself I wouldn’t tell anybody of this mortifying moment – but what the hell!!
I work out (Pilates/Yoga) 5 times a week. Oddly, I’ve gained 4 pounds since turning 65 and can’t seem to shake it. I blame Ed - the snack whisperer. I lose 2lbs. and then eat a few salty nuts and it’s back the next day. Salt is not your friend as you age. I find the older I get – the more I crave sugar. Another frenemy to avoid. Weight Gain (chapter 7) becomes a 24/7 dilemma. Being a "middle child" I tend to add the extra pounds to my mid-section. I refuse to give in and occasionally must resort to smaller portions (which makes me "fungry"). Diet is not a word in my vocabulary unless it’s referring to French Fries! Depression has de-escalated since I retired – but I could not have picked a worse time to do so. Covid was in full swing, then my book caused anxiety with publishing/marketing issues, my father passed away, Ed’s union/writers union/actors union went on strike - one after the other which meant no work for a year and a half – to name but a few issues to test and tempt my melancholy nature. It was difficult to keep the anguish hounds at bay – but nothing like my work years. Stress became the new doom and gloom. Money becomes the new pressure point – because full retirement is right around the corner. Unless you’re rich or mentally equipped to handle stressful times – anxiety is added to your list of chores! Here’s a thought - stress is now my solution for weight gain. I’ll call it – The End of the World Diet! Lethargy seems to shift from ennui to naps. I haven’t yet caved into old person napping whenever I sit down – but I occassionally stare longlingly at the couch! I just swig down a couple gulps of iced coffee until dinnertime (5pm) and muddle through until bedtime (8:30pm). Yes, that’s another aging phenomenon – time warps. You become every old person you made fun of.
The Arid Desert (chapter 8) and Sex(less) (chapter 9) basically go together now. Book quote: “Envision—Pre-Coitus—I hear the lonely whistling tune of a Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western soundtrack as I slowly spread my thighs while squinting at my husband suggestively and out roll the tumbling tumbleweeds!” This has not improved unless I’m lying on the floor in the bathroom - squirting estradiol cream up my vagina. But sex is just as much mental as physical. My libido was essentially murdered by The Menopause. Book quote: “I’m a virgin every time—and I didn’t care for it the first time!!!” I have twinges every now and then of passions past, vibrators are helpful, but mostly I just don’t care. But I do care about my husband – who is now a randy (old) goat. Sex has become a mental exercise in – “Grow some balls Colleen and think like a man! Every hole has a purpose!”
Elasticity (chapter10) lists numerous areas of my body that have been afflicted with menopausal and sagging malformations. The Arid Desert, Hormones and Elasticity go hand in hand – without moisture and hormones you have less elasticity - everywhere. I’ve added a few more areas of moisture-less concern to clearly state the obvious – kiss your "rubber band" skin suit goodbye.
A. Eyeballs and Eyelashes – Cataract surgery last February certainly gave my eyeballs (vision) new life, but the dry eye continues. I have better (more expensive) eyedrops now that relieve the symptoms (sort of).
B. Hair and Scalp – Hair will be covered more in the chapter 12 segment, but the lack of moisture affects your entire body. My new solution is to only shampoo once a week – no matter the urge to do otherwise. This aggravates my OCD need to cleanse my body top to bottom daily – but I’ve rejuvenated my natural oils. I feel like a teenager again – greasy hair!!
C. Face and Neck – I give up. New wrinkles of destruction arrive daily to wake me up to the realities of aging. I wish I could afford all those miracle creams that I now have ad nauseum on my Instagram feed. I have finally succumbed to the Mega-Immortal-Advertising-Conglomerate! Naomi Watts – I beg of you – please send me a free sample of your over-50 Stripes Beauty Creams!!
D. Hands – I’m waiting for my age spots to multiply and coalesce into that tan I've never had. The ever-growing knuckles and joints are only welcome at Halloween when I dress as a skeleton or hag (no costume needed).
E. Nails – Biotin vitamins help but it’s just delaying the obvious because my big toenails are fossilizing.
F. Arms – Except for the protruding veins that would make a phlebotomist drool – my arms still remain one of my favorite body parts. I work those babies out!! I still have issues with the wing-flap expansion but maintain my “Guns!” My husband likes to play with them at bedtime. I just rack the bicep chambers and make bang-bang noises with my bicep guns. Good laugh before bedtime! I also noticed the skin on my arms is morphing into a reptilian formation. As I was applying my coconut body butter the other morning – I noticed that my forearm skin looked different. I thought my new (dry) eyeballs were deceiving me – so I grabbed my magnifying glass and moved close to the window for natural light. I seem to be terraforming into a scaled cold-blooded creature – to adjust to global warming - perhaps? I decided to add more coconut butter!
G. Elbows – I no longer bother to look at them.
H. Legs – I’ve decided that they look their best while lying down with knees bent or standing on tippy toes. Certain postures are deceiving and give you a false sense of satisfaction. Harsh lighting while nude – brings the grim reality of dwindling elasticity while staring at every lump, bump, varicose vein, fatty deposit of cellulite (cottage cheese effect), etc. I wear a lot of tights to make it psychologically go away!!
I. Knees – These get a dishonorable mention. I was in denial about my knees until I got a Bursa last winter. I feel like giving them last rites. I also think I’ve aged into “knocked kneed syndrome!” BTW – the other night Ed gave me a compliment (of sorts), “Your knees are acceptable.” I almost returned the compliment about a certain appendage of his - but ignored it like I usually do. Book quote:“Knees—Let’s just say—the first time I noticed a change in my taut adorable knees, I screamed! What the fuck is the puffy pocket of fat on the inside of my knees and where did it come from? I also did not know that knees could wrinkle!!”!
J. Stomach – No amount of core exercising rids your stomach of some excess flab. When I look into a mirror – I stand tall, suck it in and strike a pose! Satisfies me!!
K. Feet – Did you know that you eventually get wrinkles at the juncture from leg to foot? I’d laugh if I wasn’t already crying.
L. Back and Ass – It’s “behind” me now - in every sense of the word.
M. Vagina – Lipstick helps. Pucker Up!
My current solution to elasticity and moisture-less concerns is Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter - to give me a false sense of a youthful body bag. Every month a Semi pulls up in front of my house - with my load of inexpensive miracle cream - for me to bathe in and keep the wrinkles at bay! I also got a new and improved all-natural product from my hairstylist – Balm Hair to Toe. Balm for the soul and sole! My other solution was to invest in a life’s supply of hemorrhoid cream. Look it up! Desperate times calls for desperate measures!
Gravity (chapter 11) forces worsen with age. The gravitational pull of the North and South Poles are at constant battle with one another. I think the South has finally won!
Hair (chapter 12) is the most confusing of all topics. I’m updating just a couple of the many areas of anguish listed in my book. Most are maintaining status (grooming) quo.
A. Top of Head – I still feel like my hair is betraying me. Payback for all those bad haircuts and perms in the 80’s and 90’s. It’s evil intent is to disappear in all the wrong places. My hairstylist felt compelled to casually announce that I was getting a receding hairline. They foolishly told me this prior to my tipping. I can’t deny the sparse areas on either side of the upper corners of my head. It’s devastating but I’m refining my comb-over skills. I’m still not gray or white yet – much to my disappointment. I have one teensy sprig of white in the center of my bangs that I keep pointing out to people – but they politely (nervously) nod as if I might bite – because they can’t see it. As I like to say, "Hair today...Gone tomorrow!"
B. Nose – My hirsute forest has sprouted new saplings. When I first discovered this bizarre hair growth anomaly – I trimmed about once every two weeks. Deforestation now occurs every other day.
C. Pubes – I’m not only finding more gray hairs in my pubes rather than the top of my head – but it’s getting more prickly (like my personality)! I believe a porcupine is squatting in my pubic area! Even if I wanted to have sexual intercourse – my husband would be entering a deathtrap! My pubes are so thorny – it’s like one of those tree stump grinders! A penis (woody) would be ripped, chopped, diced, grinded, shredded and spit out with one thrust! It needs a caution sign, “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!! My sister has the opposite problem – she needs a toupee!!!
D. Legs – There is still little to no hair on my legs with one new adjustment. I recently discovered that I have single, random, long black hairs that pepper my shins/calves. No logical reason for this erratic splitting of hairs! Stray reminders of what your body will look like when you are mummified. Also, my knees get these clusters (meadows) of hair in the middle of my knee balls that are almost impossible to shave off without spilling blood. I have become obsessed with my body hair – not just my hair style like the old (young) days!
Age Spots/Skin Growths (chapter 13) are still a cause for embarrassment. I am tired of these crustaceans being called – Old Age Spots. I prefer “battle scars of life’s conflicts.” Honorable skin tags - won in battle! I would love to wear a backless top or dress because I have always had a decent defined back. But I have what I call “Barnacles or Manifestations of traumas past” on my bra path areas in the back. They are unsightly crusty brown patches that will not go away without medical assistance. Unfortunately, no medical person will touch them – unless they are of the uninsurable plastic (surgeon) variety. I admit that I’ve put lotions on them to soften and then scrape off – even if it leaves a scar. I get carried away sometimes. I finally broke down (succumbed to Insta advertisements) and bought a new bra to test a theory of mine. Honey Love makes “kinder” bras for women of all shapes, sizes and ages. The new design is gentle to your shoulders and back. There is no underwire. The design supports and lifts without pain. It’s a comfortable, clean design and perks up those sagging boobs. My husband is not as thrilled with it – but he doesn’t have to wear it!
Inner Plumbing (chapter 14) has only one update. Book quote:“Farts—If you laugh too hard or sneeze or just walk through a grocery store—don’t be surprised if you accidentally share a Toot or two or three!!! Just keep on as if nothing happened. Maybe if you’re lucky, you have someone behind you that you can glare at with disgust! Denial is your friend. As my wise niece Dani says, “Fart and Dart!” And just like a braying ass—you explode with unprovoked expulsions of Ass Gas!” Farting has become inevitable. I’ve lost all control along with my dignity. I’ve even named them, “Nutritional Farts.” Enjoy that Indian Curry a second time! It only gets worse folks – male or female! As a child, beans were the flatulent culprit – now it’s ice cream, nuts, carrots, toothpaste, water, air – anything that passes your lips. It also gets harder to Fart and Dart as you age. Your body isn’t as nimble at fleeing the scene of the noxious crime!
There is a deficit in this country of doctors who know women’s menopausal needs and concerns. The geriatric community is also being ignored by the medical establishment. Upside is that we have a surplus of cardiologists!
It’s great that they’ve done some research on Menopause and have some relief (VMS - Veozah) for Hot Flashes and Night Sweats. Now if they could just find a cure for Menopausal Rage, Sleeplessness, Memory Loss, Dried up Vagina, etc. etc. etc.
Quote from my book – Denial (chapter 16) - “It’s also a fact that men, younger generations of women and particularly our society—find menopause to be this annoyance that should be Not Seen and Not Heard. It’s just an icky and uncomfortable subject that is more myth than reality. Well, I think it’s time to stand up and scream the truth, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this denial anymore!!!” So be a proud Menopausal Woman and wear your badge of honor on your sagging boobs for all to see!!!”
RAGE ON LADIES!!!
Words of wisdom – At 65 it takes longer for your body to wake up in the morning. You need to gently navigate getting out of bed to rouse your stiff knees, hips and back – so always hold on to that staircase railing!
If you want even more info on menopause and aging – not only check out my book but I have 30 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years. My doctor appointment blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent.
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Colleen McIntosh
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