A lot of funny things have happened in my life since I started The Menopause and transitioned into aging! It's time for a Menopause update!!! Instead of spouting platitudes (like men love to do) – such as: “Everything happens for a reason.” “This too shall pass.” “It’ll all work out for the best.” And my personal favorite – “It’s all in your head!” I’m going to share all the additional fun facts and mutations that have occurred since I started talking about and writing about my menopausal journey. Sharing some new anomalies since I published my book – to date – as I’ve reached the ripe-old age of 65.    First of all - you should “ Hate Read ” my book and blog! That will catch you up to speed with the cosmic joke that is Menopause! I don’t know anyone who looked forward to The Menopause! You can’t avoid it – but you can read about the reality of what’s potentially barreling down the pike of life! The most important advice I can give you is to start laughing about it  now . A cliché that’s spot on is - “Laughter is the best medicine (unless it's running down your leg)!" We’ve spent our entire lives in a “Count Down!” I call them, “The Decade Years.” I’ve always felt that every decade birthday brings on significant transmutations in your body and psyche – for better or worse – pending your attitude. Unfortunately, I have discovered that 60 was my last Decade adjustment (aging deformations). We are on a fast track time-lapse – which is now every 5 years (quinquennial). You have reached a new (st)age in your lifetime - degrading rapidly and have some big decisions to make because time is running out.  Currently, the stats have women’s life expectancy in the U.S. at 79.25 years (men are at 73 – we win). Also, your lifespan inheritance is determined more from the maternal side of your family. Other than a serious illness, most of the women on my mom’s side live between 85 – 90. I married a man who is 5 years younger than me – so maybe we’ll average out and go at the same time! I may have to shave off a few years for my bad behavior – but that’s a whole other blog!   It’s time for me to update all you ladies (and gentlemen) on menopause and aging (at 65). I’m fast approaching 66 (October baby – Libra) and I feel compelled to let all of you know what happens to your mind and body at 65. A major turning point in life.    When you turn 65 – you are officially considered a “Senior.” It’s not the euphoric year that you experienced when you graduated from High School – with your whole life ahead of you and endless possibilities. Now it's the “I have about 20 more years to live” epiphany (if I wrap myself in bubble wrap)! Put in those terms – is a harsh reality of “F**K ME!!” That Bucket List takes on a whole new meaning. Panic sets in and time is running out to: climb Mt. Everest, give your acceptance speech for winning the best actress Oscar, do the Lord of the Rings tour in New Zealand, see women running the world, witness climate change reversed and the world saved, meet Jamie Lee Curtis or Helen Mirren or David Sedaris or Timothy Olyphant, finally read the last book in the Game of Thrones series (if he ever gets off his ass and writes it), have a million followers on my website and social media, make money on my book, finish my second book, etc. etc. I don’t really want to climb Mt. Everest but the other BL’s listed are a sampling of my life-long dreams (hurdles to achieve). My F**k-it List starts to fade a little each year. My top three famous men that I’d love to "cuddle with" also age and become less stimulating – even though they are all younger than me. It makes me sad and weary – because I use them to fall asleep at night. After I’ve set up my dream scenario of a romance novel heat-meet – I tend to nod off just before I get any action! I’m not complaining – because I’ll do anything to fall asleep!! As I was approaching my 65th birthday, I had to learn all about Medicare and make some decisions that would affect the remainder of my breathing years. Any government funded organization, like Medicare, must be created by sadistic, miserable, narcissistic monsters. They are adept at vagueness. Navigating the Medicare site was a puzzle of ambiguity and vagary. You spend a tremendous amount of time clicking from one screen to another – looking for answers that result in "smoke" screens. Illusive wisps of information but no definitive conclusions. Frustration should have a new definition: Headache, disappointment, exasperation – something that is a source of irritation. An emotion felt when someone’s expectations are not met. The feeling of impatience or anger caused by not finding the answers to your Medicare questions. The irony is that you join Medicare at 65 (not 25 or 35) when your brain is deteriorating . Add in Menopause and you are dazed and confused. It took months of research until I felt somewhat confident in signing up for Medicare – while realizing that I was now in my mom’s age bracket! I suggest that all school curriculums add a class in “Medicare.” They should start teaching this in Pre-school because it might take you that long to figure this sh*t out! I am now a proud woman of somewhat learned years and a card-carrying Medicare enrollee (drafted into the battle with my foe - aging). I felt like I ran the New York Marathon by the time I hit that Go Button. Walking through that next-stage-door, saying goodbye to my youth/middle age. I expect this Medicare Card to hold great power, give me tons of perks, cash incentives and have decided it’s time everyone play by my rules! I love slapping my old lady cards (Medicare/AARP) down in front of a pimply faced kid at the movie theatre counter – and happily receive (demand) my $2 discount! I retired from a 9 to 5 (24-7) job a couple years earlier than planned. Retiring from the “Work Force” was necessary for my health and cathartic. I was being deployed into hostile territory everyday. Thrown into combat by a wan-na-be General who grunted commands all day but saw no action. Going to war was not what I expected when I enlisted (got hired). So, I left before I lost my life or a limb (soul). I finally got to do that proverbial "mic drop." I’m tired but not retired from being creative though! Making this decision helped slow down my aging process a smidge. I did, however, add some new unexpected stresses once I fulfilled my active service with the “military”, but it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. My sister, Bridget, sagely told me recently, “Retirement is working to save whatever life you have left!” I wish I'd done it sooner. I am now living as a “Functional Retired Weirdo!!” Still insane but I can pass for normal if I so choose.    Let's re-educate you about what happens at 65 years-of-age (other than becoming elderly). It’s time for a Menopausal Update! Subtle tweaks to my aging body that still elicit a squeal of apprehension, mild disgust and a weary giggle!   If you’ve read my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! , then you are now familiar with some of the symptoms of “The Menopause”, as well as the aging process as a result. If you haven’t read my book – shame on you – but it’s not too late. I continue the conversation in my blogs . You don’t just have a couple years of this life-altering transition, but your mind and body continue to morph as you age. Each year bringing some new distorted reality that shocks you upon discovery - every time.    Some of us age more gracefully than others – but even the most beautiful ageless woman has subtle changes that only she may see – or hides better.    I have 17 concise chapters of horror, humility and humor in my book but not every chapter needs an update. At 65 -  Periods  are still dead and done,  Hot Flashes  are almost non-existent, thank God, and  Sleeplessness  has always been an issue but less angry. So that leaves me only  14 chapters  to expand upon.  Mood Swings (chapter 3)  still exist because I am a complicated (psychotic) woman. I don’t call them “mood swings” anymore – but my “patience” gets tested regularly. As I’ve mentioned in my book, men (in particular) triggered the mood swing . That has not changed. I admit that my patience barometer can be unpredictable at times if a man is in the vacinity. My excuse is the following: Man-splaining is a disease inflicted entirely on the male species. The medical community, primarily of the male persuasion, has found no cure – however – women have known the solution to this illness since time began. The cure for this male affliction is, “Just Shut The F**k Up!!!”   Hormones (chapter 5)  have disappeared and left no forwarding address. I will mourn those invisible, magical, youthful “Whore Moans” until I breath my last one. It’s like your favorite pair of shoes that fit like a dream, looked fabulous and made you feel like a movie star. The shoes that made you strut with confidence. But shoes, like hormones, don’t last forever. Everything wears out. In hindsight, you always wish that you’d bought 5 pairs. But those favorite shoes go out of fashion and never to be seen or purchased again. Hormones kept the engine primed and running – purring like a kitten – until they didn’t. They maintained my chassis and kept me purring like a cougar til my 40's (old age kitten). I'm no longer purring but corroding!   Memory Loss (chapter 6)  continues to be an issue. It’s now a daily endeavor of maintaining focus. I’m not quite as hyper as I used to be – and my multi-tasking skills have waned – but it would be nice to know what f**king day it is!!! Usually when I’m just starting to wake up – my brain groggily yawns and stretches – revs and then splutters out. I lay there as if an amnesiac and a twinge of unease creeps in to curdle my insides. Often my first thought is, “What day is it?” My fear of dementia has become my shadow. Once I’ve cleared my nightmare cobwebs – I can figure out the day of the week by going over my to-do list (OCD says, "What?"). Usually, a cleaning assignment will remind me, but even that is not foolproof. I keep a calendar on the kitchen wall near the fridge and my iced coffee!! Caffeine jolts the old noggin! I take Lions Mane supplements to boost the old gray matter – but my cognitive powers have diminished over time. Senior moments become the norm!   A couple days ago I finished working out and vacuuming, and decided to grab my phone and take Tater for a walk. I ran upstairs and put my sneakers on. I looked down at my hand to find that I was grasping the TV remote – not my phone. I promised myself I wouldn’t tell anybody of this mortifying moment – but what the hell!! I work out (Pilates/Yoga) 5 times a week. Oddly, I’ve gained 4 pounds since turning 65 and can’t seem to shake it. I blame Ed - the snack whisperer. I lose 2lbs. and then eat a few salty nuts and it’s back the next day. Salt is not your friend as you age. I find the older I get – the more I crave sugar. Another frenemy to avoid.  Weight Gain (chapter 7)  becomes a 24/7 dilemma. Being a "middle child" I tend to add the extra pounds to my mid -section. I refuse to give in and occasionally must resort to smaller portions (which makes me "fungry"). Diet is not a word in my vocabulary unless it’s referring to French Fries!  Depression  has de-escalated since I retired – but I could not have picked a worse time to do so. Covid was in full swing, then my book caused anxiety with publishing/marketing issues, my father passed away, Ed’s union/writers union/actors union went on strike - one after the other which meant no work for a year and a half – to name but a few issues to test and tempt my melancholy nature. It was difficult to keep the anguish hounds at bay – but nothing like my work years. Stress became the new doom and gloom. Money becomes the new pressure point – because full retirement is right around the corner. Unless you’re rich or mentally equipped to handle stressful times – anxiety is added to your list of chores! Here’s a thought - stress is now my solution for weight gain. I’ll call it – The End of the World Diet!  Lethargy  seems to shift from ennui to naps. I haven’t yet caved into old person napping whenever I sit down – but I occassionally stare longlingly at the couch! I just swig down a couple gulps of iced coffee until dinnertime (5pm) and muddle through until bedtime (8:30pm). Yes, that’s another aging phenomenon – time warps. You become every old person you made fun of.  The Arid Desert (chapter 8) and Sex(less) (chapter 9)  basically go together now. Book quote:  “Envision—Pre-Coitus—I hear the lonely whistling tune of a Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western soundtrack as I slowly spread my thighs while squinting at my husband suggestively and out roll the tumbling tumbleweeds!” This has not improved unless I’m lying on the floor in the bathroom - squirting estradiol cream up my vagina. But sex is just as much mental as physical. My libido was essentially murdered by The Menopause. Book quote: “ I’m a virgin every time—and I didn’t care for it the first time!!!” I have twinges every now and then of passions past, vibrators are helpful, but mostly I just don’t care. But I do care about my husband – who is now a randy (old) goat. Sex has become a mental exercise in – “Grow some balls Colleen and think like a man! Every hole has a purpose!”  Elasticity (chapter10)  lists numerous areas of my body that have been afflicted with menopausal and sagging malformations. The Arid Desert, Hormones and Elasticity go hand in hand – without moisture and hormones you have less elasticity - everywhere. I’ve added a few more areas of moisture-less concern to clearly state the obvious – kiss your "rubber band" skin suit goodbye.  A. Eyeballs and Eyelashes  – Cataract surgery last February certainly gave my eyeballs (vision) new life, but the dry eye continues. I have better (more expensive) eyedrops now that relieve the symptoms (sort of).  B. Hair and Scalp  – Hair will be covered more in the  chapter 12  segment, but the lack of moisture affects your entire body. My new solution is to only shampoo once a week – no matter the urge to do otherwise. This aggravates my OCD need to cleanse my body top to bottom daily – but I’ve rejuvenated my natural oils. I feel like a teenager again – greasy hair!! C. Face and Neck –  I give up. New wrinkles of destruction arrive daily to wake me up to the realities of aging. I wish I could afford all those miracle creams that I now have ad nauseum on my Instagram feed. I have finally succumbed to the Mega-Immortal-Advertising-Conglomerate! Naomi Watts – I beg of you – please send me a free sample of your over-50 Stripes Beauty Creams!! D. Hands  – I’m waiting for my age spots to multiply and coalesce into that tan I've never had. The ever-growing knuckles and joints are only welcome at Halloween when I dress as a skeleton or hag (no costume needed). E. Nails  – Biotin vitamins help but it’s just delaying the obvious because my big toenails are fossilizing. F. Arms  – Except for the protruding veins that would make a phlebotomist drool – my arms still remain one of my favorite body parts. I work those babies out!! I still have issues with the wing-flap expansion but maintain my “Guns!” My husband likes to play with them at bedtime. I just rack the bicep chambers and make bang-bang noises with my bicep guns. Good laugh before bedtime! I also noticed the skin on my arms is morphing into a reptilian formation. As I was applying my coconut body butter the other morning – I noticed that my forearm skin looked different. I thought my new (dry) eyeballs were deceiving me – so I grabbed my magnifying glass and moved close to the window for natural light. I seem to be terraforming into a scaled cold-blooded creature – to adjust to global warming - perhaps? I decided to add more coconut butter! G. Elbows  – I no longer bother to look at them. H. Legs   – I’ve decided that they look their best while lying down with knees bent or standing on tippy toes. Certain postures are deceiving and give you a false sense of satisfaction. Harsh lighting while nude – brings the grim reality of dwindling elasticity while staring at every lump, bump, varicose vein, fatty deposit of cellulite (cottage cheese effect), etc. I wear a lot of tights to make it psychologically go away!! I. Knees  – These get a dishonorable mention. I was in denial about my knees until I got a Bursa last winter. I feel like giving them last rites. I also think I’ve aged into “knocked kneed syndrome!” BTW – the other night Ed gave me a compliment (of sorts), “Your knees are acceptable.” I almost returned the compliment about a certain appendage of his - but ignored it like I usually do. Book quote: “Knees —Let’s just say—the first time I noticed a change in my taut adorable knees, I screamed! What the fuck is the puffy pocket of fat on the inside of my knees and where did it come from? I also did not know that knees could wrinkle!!”! J. Stomach  – No amount of core exercising rids your stomach of some excess flab. When I look into a mirror – I stand tall, suck it in and strike a pose! Satisfies me!! K. Feet  – Did you know that you eventually get wrinkles at the juncture from leg to foot? I’d laugh if I wasn’t already crying. L. Back and Ass  – It’s “behind” me now - in every sense of the word.  M. Vagina  – Lipstick helps. Pucker Up! My current solution to elasticity and moisture-less concerns is Trader Joe’s Coconut Body Butter - to give me a false sense of a youthful body bag. Every month a Semi pulls up in front of my house  -  with my load of inexpensive miracle cream - for me to bathe in and keep the wrinkles at bay! I also got a new and improved all-natural product from my hairstylist – Balm Hair to Toe. Balm for the soul and sole! My other solution was to invest in a life’s supply of hemorrhoid cream. Look it up! Desperate times calls for desperate measures!   Gravity (chapter 11)  forces worsen with age. The gravitational pull of the North and South Poles are at constant battle with one another. I think the South has finally won!   Hair (chapter 12)  is the most confusing of all topics. I’m updating just a couple of the many areas of anguish listed in my book. Most are maintaining status (grooming) quo. A. Top of Head  – I still feel like my hair is betraying me. Payback for all those bad haircuts and perms in the 80’s and 90’s. It’s evil intent is to disappear in all the wrong places. My hairstylist felt compelled to casually announce that I was getting a receding hairline. They foolishly told me this prior to my tipping. I can’t deny the sparse areas on either side of the upper corners of my head. It’s devastating but I’m refining my comb-over skills. I’m still not gray or white yet – much to my disappointment. I have one teensy sprig of white in the center of my bangs that I keep pointing out to people – but they politely (nervously) nod as if I might bite – because they can’t see it. As I like to say, "Hair today...Gone tomorrow!"   B. Nose  – My hirsute forest has sprouted new saplings. When I first discovered this bizarre hair growth anomaly – I trimmed about once every two weeks. Deforestation now occurs every other day.    C. Pubes  – I’m not only finding more gray hairs in my pubes rather than the top of my head – but it’s getting more prickly (like my personality)! I believe a porcupine is squatting in my pubic area! Even if I wanted to have sexual intercourse – my husband would be entering a deathtrap! My pubes are so thorny – it’s like one of those tree stump grinders! A penis (woody) would be ripped, chopped, diced, grinded, shredded and spit out with one thrust! It needs a caution sign, “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!! My sister has the opposite problem – she needs a toupee!!!   D. Legs  – There is still little to no hair on my legs with one new adjustment. I recently discovered that I have single, random, long black hairs that pepper my shins/calves. No logical reason for this erratic splitting of hairs! Stray reminders of what your body will look like when you are mummified. Also, my knees get these clusters (meadows) of hair in the middle of my knee balls that are almost impossible to shave off without spilling blood. I have become obsessed with my body hair – not just my hair style like the old (young) days!   Age Spots/Skin Growths (chapter 13)  are still a cause for embarrassment. I am tired of these crustaceans being called – Old Age Spots. I prefer “battle scars of life’s conflicts.” Honorable skin tags - won in battle! I would love to wear a backless top or dress because I have always had a decent defined back. But I have what I call “Barnacles or Manifestations of traumas past” on my bra path areas in the back. They are unsightly crusty brown patches that will not go away without medical assistance. Unfortunately, no medical person will touch them – unless they are of the uninsurable plastic (surgeon) variety. I admit that I’ve put lotions on them to soften and then scrape off – even if it leaves a scar. I get carried away sometimes. I finally broke down (succumbed to Insta advertisements) and bought a new bra to test a theory of mine.  Honey Love makes “kinder” bras for women of all shapes, sizes and ages. The new design is gentle to your shoulders and back. There is no underwire. The design supports and lifts without pain. It’s a comfortable, clean design and perks up those sagging boobs. My husband is not as thrilled with it – but he doesn’t have to wear it!   Inner Plumbing (chapter 14)  has only one update. Book quote: “Farts —If you laugh too hard or sneeze or just walk through a grocery store—don’t be surprised if you accidentally share a Toot or two or three!!! Just keep on as if nothing happened. Maybe if you’re lucky, you have someone behind you that you can glare at with disgust! Denial is your friend. As my wise niece Dani says, “Fart and Dart!” And just like a braying ass—you explode with unprovoked expulsions of Ass Gas!” Farting has become inevitable. I’ve lost all control along with my dignity. I’ve even named them, “Nutritional Farts.” Enjoy that Indian Curry a second time! It only gets worse folks – male or female! As a child, beans were the flatulent culprit – now it’s ice cream, nuts, carrots, toothpaste, water, air – anything that passes your lips. It also gets harder to Fart and Dart as you age. Your body isn’t as nimble at fleeing the scene of the noxious crime!   There is a deficit in this country of doctors who know women’s menopausal needs and concerns. The geriatric community is also being ignored by the medical establishment. Upside is that we have a surplus of cardiologists!    It’s great that they’ve done some research on Menopause and have some relief (VMS - Veozah ) for Hot Flashes and Night Sweats. Now if they could just find a cure for Menopausal Rage, Sleeplessness, Memory Loss, Dried up Vagina, etc. etc. etc.    Quote from my book –   Denial (chapter 16) - “It’s also a fact that men, younger generations of women and particularly our society—find menopause to be this annoyance that should be Not Seen and Not Heard. It’s just an icky and uncomfortable subject that is more myth than reality. Well, I think it’s time to stand up and scream the truth, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take this denial anymore!!!” So be a proud Menopausal Woman and wear your badge of honor on your sagging boobs for all to see!!!” RAGE ON LADIES!!! Words of wisdom – At 65 it takes longer for your body to wake up in the morning. You need to gently navigate getting out of bed to rouse your stiff knees, hips and back – so always hold on to that staircase railing!   If you want even more info on menopause and aging – not only check out my book but I have 30 blogs that go into all sorts of funny and informative crap about being a woman of many years. My doctor appointment blogs are a hoot!! It’s better to educate with honesty, horror, humility and humor than remain silent.  There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, ragers and followers.   Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

Let’s start off by boring you with a little spice history! Salt & Pepper - which we take for granted - had quite a fortuitous debut! Salt – sodium chloride (NaCl) – has been around since 6000 BCE – cultivated in the Shangxi Province in China. Salt is a necessary dietary supplement for survival – respiration, digestion, fluid regulation, etc. (water retention – like you’re a camel or sponge). Salt was not only used in culinary application – but used as a preservative, medicine and trade commodity. It has been said that the birth of civilization was based on the discovery and pursuit of SALT. A great book to read about the history of this seasoning phenomenon is –  “SALT: A World History by Mark Krulansky” .    Peppercorns (Piper Nigrum) didn’t have quite as an auspicious history as salt – but still considered “Black Gold” and treated as a monetary unit for trade and payment. It was considered medicinal, curative and preservative in its uses – not just for flavoring food. Pepper origins began in Kerala, India and limited to the rich (typical!!) – until the Age of Discovery – where it became available for everyone (like us poor shlubs). I love pepper and heavy handed when applying it to my food. Can't live without either of these seasonings!   A Frenchman, Francois Pierre La Varenne, an influential celebrity chef   and one of the royal chefs to King Louis XIV, combined Salt and Pepper on the “Royal Buffet” and encouraged the realm to pair these two complimentary spices that have now become our day-to-day condiments for every meal. Apparently, King Louis XIV, had a simple (boring) palate and beheaded anyone who disagreed!   Originally Salt was served in a small bowl (salt cellar) with a miniature spoon. Salt was prone to clumping pending the humidity levels any given day. The invention of the Salt & Pepper shakers did not evolve until they found a solution to the “caking” effect. For example, the salt company, Morton International, Inc., had a trademark slogan with a girl holding an umbrella and container of pouring salt in the rain – “When it rains it pours” – for a reason. Non-caking salt didn’t become a reality until the 20th century – around the late 1920’s.    History lesson is now over! On to my Salt & Pepper Shakers! Collecting versus Hoarding? Is there a differnece? Hoarding - Definition - Psychological: The compulsion to continually accumulate a variety of items that are often considered useless or worthless by others accompanied by an inability to discard the items without great distress (Merriam Webster)   I’ve mentioned in my book and many of my blogs that I have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I do not medicate but meditate and embrace my quirky nature. Hoarding is defined as a compulsion sans control. I have learned to recognize my “limits” when it pertains to my compulsive personality. Not everyone would agree with that "limits" statement, but my multiple personalities take offense! There were certain periods in my life that triggered an OCD reactive episode for an extended cycle of crazy. For example: when I was performing as an actress in my 20’s – I started collecting stuffed animals (teddy bears, Opus penguins, etc.). It’s fairly obvious what this meant. I was scared and lacked confidence (low self-esteem), so I sought comfort in my soft, cuddly companions who adored me unconditionally (in my head). That ended when I built up my confidence (a little) – but I did not discard these “anxiety security blankets” (friends) for 40 years. They are now in my yard sale pile and will be given away to a child who needs them. So, the word "hoarding" leaves a distressful taste in my mouth!   My Salt & Pepper collection began when I turned 30 and got married the first time. 75% of my S&P collection was acquired during my 5-year prison term of passive aggressiveness (marriage). I consider this as my “Reign of OCD Terror!” A half decade during which I was emotionally abused by a man who loved his position of poisonous power! Collecting Salt & Peppers was the only thing he didn’t control (plus cleaning like a f**king lunatic). Enough about he-who-shall-not-be-named!! Searching and discovering these gems made life bearable!   Once S&P’s became the norm and mass produced – the idea of collecting these everyday spices - in fun, wacky containers - became popular. A lot of households have at least one kitschy S&P - but I have over 200 – so I suppose that I went a little overboard (lost control) and am now labeled as a collector (hoarder).  Collecting versus hoarding? Is there a difference? I’ve written about how my S&P interest (obsession) began in my blog - "G rowing Up Middle(ing) - Part 3 – You were a Mistake!!” “When you entered my GG’s house – there was an unheated enclosed porch. This porch contained one of two frivolous feminine passions of my staid, sober and unyielding GG Sade. She had a huge hutch cabinet filled with a unique and fun Salt & Pepper collection. Since she made me nervous, and I did not want her glaring eye to find fault – I spent hours in that freezing or steaming room – pending the season – memorizing her huge entertaining collection. I couldn’t touch them, but I was enchanted by them. It gave me insight into this woman that I was related to and feared. Jump forward 30 years – and I now have a Salt & Pepper collection of around 200 (which might get its own blog). Her collection was split up amongst all her living children when she passed – even though none collected. I was able to find a large portion of the S&P’s that she accrued. So, I did inherit that one fanciful hobby gene, but I smile more. Gives me solace when I look at them. I’ve also mentioned in a previous blog that my sister, Bridget, was GG Sade’s favorite. I believe she actually smiled when she saw Bridget. This woman baked the BEST cinnamon rolls I’ve ever (almost) tasted. Meaning – when you’d enter her home, the sweet mouth-watering smell of cinnamon, sugar and bread made you dizzy with hunger and excitement. I would ignore the S&P collection entranced by the aroma. BUT, as we all entered in anticipation of the reward of that heavenly treat and Bridget was duly fawned over – GG Sade would announce, “You all must wait until Bridget has her cinnamon rolls. She goes first.” Bridget didn’t lord it over us or consume the huge tray of rolls by herself – but the favoritism did dampen our (my) enthusiasm. At least I had my tiny little solitary corner on the porch!” Being a Middle Child may have influenced my desire to collect Salt & Peppers. Any means necessary to garner attention. Even though my great grandmother Sade scared the sh*t out of me – I was enchanted by this menagerie of paired objects that are mundane tabletop condiments – but with a twist. We take them for granted – but if you surprise your family or guests with a woman lying on her back with detachable boobs as your salt and pepper shakers – then they “spice” up that otherwise boring dinner conversation!! It might even shock a couple diners into not talking at all!! Win..Win!! My massive accumulation of Sodium Chloride and Piper Nigrum shakers come in a wide variety of Figural and Novelty receptacles. Figural are S&P’s that resemble “something else” and often the pair interact with each other or have multiple components. Novelty are basically non-functional and just for show (sh*ts and giggles). But all Novelty salt and peppers are considered Figural. I have some (a lot) of both. Typically, they are often found in the kitchen, dining room and as decorative knickknacks. My S&P’s are in Gullible’s Travels (camper) and in every room of our house including the bathroom (don’t worry – there is no seasoning or consumption of food while on the toilet - I do have limits). Often they come in sets – with cookie jars, cannisters or kitchen artware. I don’t have room for “sets” but have collected some S&P’s from them. There are categories/themes that have been established over the decades: A.  People B.  Animal C.  Plant D.  Appliance E.  Transportation F.   Structure G.  Container H.  Miscellany   Also created and manufactured from a variety of materials: a.  Clay b. Stoneware c.  Earthenware d.  China e.  Porcelain f.  Plastic g.  Ceramic h.  Metal i.  Wood j. Glass k. Etc.   They are labeled as the following classifications: 1.   People 2.   Animals 3.   Advertisers/Brand Icons 4.   Trays 5.   Nesters 6.   Sitters 7.   Holders 8.   Kissers 9.   Hangers 10. Benchers 11. Huggers 12. Nodders 13. Go-togethers 14. Holidays 15. Theme   Pending the decade – I also went through a phase of collecting specific S&P's -Disney, Looney Tunes, Amish, chefs, plastic, etc. My initial intentions when I decided to start this collection was to find as many of the S&P’s that my Great Grandmother Sade had in her entryway hutch. Like a dog with a bone I found a lot of them (and then some!!).    To give you some background on growing up in Maine – almost every woman I knew collected something! It was a rite of passage to claim my “tchotchke” talisman – singular to my personality and wiccan power. Some of the ladies collected cookie jars, Allagash clay pottery, Barbie dolls, frogs, etc. Each unique to that person. However, there were some who coveted all collectibles. You did not want to antique shop with that person – because when you spied your objet d’ art across the jumbled room of discarded curiosities – she would zero in on your prey (knickknack) with competitive zeal and leap like a hungry tiger to claim the prized possession. I don’t think it was animosity that drove her – but a need to have all things desired. Others in my family couldn’t seem to select just one passion – but needed to fill a hole in their souls – and collect a little of everything. There are some members of my family that can’t stop collecting and have fallen into a new category – called hoarding – or the collector of all memories!   I won’t name names – except my own! Levels of hoarding a variety of collectibles - with one winning the coveted spot in my soul - Salt & Pepper Shakers! My sister was visiting recently, and we were talking about relocating and the angst of moving an entire household of your life's ambitions of collecting sh*t. As I chattered on about inane things – I see my sister subtly glancing around my living room – and here her quietly say, “I would not want to pack up your house.” That shut me up (for a whole 2 seconds). Every time my husband and I continue our conversation about moving to another home, state, country – I put myself in my sister’s head and want to vomit. I’m not the extreme hoarder that would be chosen for a sick reality show (I think?). I’m not at the level of - “I can’t walk through my house without tripping over piles of newspapers, flattened boxes, recycling bags, etc.” (yet) – but I have a lot of STUFF! I am unable to just have the obvious books on a shelf without adding an S&P. I can’t imagine purging these memory mementos. Therapeutically feeding my rooms rather than my soul. I suspect I am the sibling that inherited the “Hoarding Gene!" I struggled to find my “totem” (collectible) over the years. I tested the waters with Marilyn Monroe artifacts, but it was a short-lived endeavor. I tinkered with other items like doilies, quilts, hats, etc. I really love cobalt blue glass objects – but am particular about it being a  true  cobalt blue – like the original Vicks jar – very dense (like my head). I collected this for several years – but stopped about the time I married Ed. I still have a lot of them but have asked people (my mom) to stop gifting me blue glass (Avon’s attempt at blue glass). They just go in the eaves for the next yard sale. Apparently, I do have limits.   I began my Salt and Pepper collection in my early 30’s. I was living in Pennsylvania with my first husband (mistake) – near Amish country and a ton of antique stores. I became a regular. I found most of my GG Sade’s in Lancaster. When I finally woke up (from a matrimonial nightmare) and left my ex – I made sure to box up all the S&P’s and remove them from his house (never our house) before he used it against me – in a custody battle! And believe me – he would have. He tried to keep my Great Grandmother’s quilt – just because it would hurt me.    I suspect my desire to recreate my GG’s collection is my way of being worthy of her affections. My twisted yearning for her recognition. Unrequited love is a painful master and no amount of Salt and Peppers can fill the black hole or take away that 65-year-old “Owie.” But, in time, I honestly loved finding the S&P that blew me away. A unique discovery in the dusty confines of a poorly ventilated old barn – Antique Shop. I Love the Smell of Antiquity in the morning!! (a little “ Apocalypse Now ” humor)   As my collection grew over the years – I had to get inventive of what-went-where in our Hobbit-sized home – spreading the joy so it made sense. I quickly lost control of that logic – but have managed to bundle my S&P’s in a manner that suits my OCD (I never claimed sanity as an excuse or defense).   I have very few practical S&P’s – for daily use. I prefer peppercorns and have an old grinder from Greece that was Ed’s mother's and a ceramic “salt” container that we dole out by spoon or fingers. These are for everday cooking and seasoning. I have some glass ones from Grammy Doris that I cherish. I did get a few of GG Sade’s that my mom and grammy secretly saved for me. I got a couple Frog’s from my Great Aunt Viola who I adore and hope to be some day (she’s the Funny Nutty Aunt). My sister has given me a couple from her cookie jar collection sets (she’s not a hoarder anymore and sold her CJ collection at auction – except for one holding her past puppy ashes). My family of collectors have honored my assuming the mantle of “Keeper of Salt and Pepper Shakers” – filling my predecessors uncomfortable and serviceable footwear.     When it comes to Antique shopping with family – I furtively watched their bartering skills. My Grandmother Doris – the sweetest woman in the universe – could haggle down the most corrupt of antique dealers. It was fascinating to behold. I tried to use those learned skills when hunting in Amish Country. I remember one instance that involved a S&P shaker of renown – and failed spectacularly. I began with an expression of uncertainty – as if not fully committed to purchasing this $12 set of frivolity. The stoic Amish woman behind the counter – in her dark gray handmade long dress and cape (apron) – complete with a cap to cover her hair – and her expression of barely concealed disapproval - showed no mercy. I was probably wearing short work out tights and a colorful patterned mini dress with Aerobic shoes (early 90's). I kept picking up the S&P and then setting it down. Then I cunningly murmured, “Would you accept $8 for this? The paint is peeling.” She picked it up and looked at the tag and said, “No.” I caved and handed over a $20 and hoped I got the correct change back and fled the barn with a red splotchy face of shame and defeat. This confirmed that I sucked at bartering (calling my bluff) and knew that I had not inherited my Grandmother’s uncanny skill of negotiation. I never tried again. Amish scare me.  I love food. I love spice. I love frivolity. I love collecting S&P’s. They are affordable, small, colorful, amusing and warm my cold black heart.    There must be some psychological explanation why I chose S&P’s. I’ve already mentioned craving my GG Sade’s approval and my OCD. I suspect the “spice” aspect of the collectible had something to do with my innate desires. Not desires like spicing up my sex life – but more along the lines of spicing up my day-to-day life and having a rich, bold, extraordinary existence. Spicier in all aspects of my personality and reality (fantasy). In some respects, I’ve achieved certain “extraordinary” attributes – such as: eccentric, oddball, bizarre, peculiar. Not what I intended – but I accept my fate as weird. My husband calls me “Head Weirdo!” At least I excel at something! During the Covid lockdown – I had to distract myself from this apocalyptic pandemic – so I decided to spring clean. All businesses were closed initially – and minutiae disinfecting my entire house made perfect sense at the time (OCD says, “What?”). I won’t go into all the details of that insanity – but I started at 6am and stopped at 6pm – everyday for 2 weeks. I also recorded/posted everything I did and took pictures. I gathered a following – watching a f**king old lady lose her sh*t on social media. I cleaned every room top to bottom and sideways. I cleaned everything on every shelf and surface. That included my Salt & Peppers. I shared my cleaning tips as well – and I used a soft toothbrush to get into all the nooks and crannies of each set (200 x 2 = 400). I had to be careful that I didn’t scrape off paint or damage them in any way – but they took on a new life after my methodical cleansing. Covid = germs = illness = death. OCD = fanatic = sanitized = life. All makes sense to me. My husband and pets watched in horror and avoided me until I collapsed.    We have no children, and I don’t think my pets want my S&P’s. I asked my nephew, Ross, a long time ago if he wanted my collection when I died. He said yes at the time, but I suspect he regrets (or doesn’t remember) that decision. I’ve reversed my offer in writing – in my will. I’d love the collection sold as a whole. I won’t care (I’ll be dead) but I’d come back and haunt them if they toss it in the garbage (which is what my nephew currently does, now that he has his own home and children). Apparently, sentimentality is for old people (boomers).   When my husband and I first discussed our final (end-of-life) wishes – I thought it would be fun to distribute my ashes among every salt and pepper and then give them away to family, friends and sell at yard sales – and neglect to tell them I’m inside. Just sprinkle me on your next meal and enjoy a little parti(cle) of me!! Ed was a little horrified!   On that cheerful note – I hope you found some pleasure in reading about my hobby and feel better about yourselves – that you do not have the same passion (compulsion) about Salt & Peppers - that I do! I have not purchased a S&P in many years. The last one I got was from my sister – with an apology for adding another to my massive collection/obsession. It was S&P Skunks. A loving (embarrassing) reminder of the nickname my father gave me as a toddler – STINKY! Dad hated poopy diapers but loved a good laugh!  I am not the compulsive hoarder that I used to be (I ran out of space). Since I retired (escaped) from my job of 21 years – I’ve relaxed my need to OCD my every waking moment. I’ve just transferred some of that energy into writing copious notes, my book(s) and my blogs. So much more gratifying and something I can share with others (and doesn't need dusting). Of course, I need to turn some of that energy into marketing and “collecting” a bigger audience!!   Now that you've gotten a peak into my Salt & Pepper collection - let’s end on a recent random memory: I do not eat anything with a hoof. I’ll eat protein that flies or swims. I eat a lot of chicken and I do a great impression of a chicken. My husband thinks I am part chicken. A couple nights ago – when prepping for bed (a whole involved routine because of all the pillows and quilt toppers) – Ed asked me to entertain him and sing a song - as a chicken. Odd request, but I was up for the challenge. The first song that popped into my head was, “Hey Jude.” So, I proceeded to “Bak-Bak-B’KAK” my way through a few verses before I collapsed on the floor, laughing so hard that I farted. We had tears running down our faces. One of my favorite parts of our day is getting ready for bed – because we go to sleep laughing! Good idea for a blog! It's the little things (like S&P's) that separate us from the Hordes!! My husband is the salt to my pepper! He's the salt of the earth and I pepper our home with a lot of S&P's and curse words! There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors ."   By   Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY  and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please help spread the word that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!!   Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite!    Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family, collectors and followers.   Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

“Did you ever stop to think and forget to start again?” A.A. Milne Quote He should have been a woman! Why did I walk into this room? My husband Ed says, “To brighten it up!” Very sweet, but I don’t think the word “Bright” is accurate. We all have moments of forgetting a word or name or what we just did 5 minutes ago – but cognition can be a scary thing. My grandfather and father had dementia and it was very sad and hard to watch such vibrant men become confused, angry, frustrated and depressed. I think I see my future and it arrived earlier than planned. As my father was declining our phone calls became very interesting and challenging. If he answered his phone – we would play a “Who am I?” game for the first couple minutes. I would always begin with, “Hi Dad! It’s your daughter Colleen.” If he didn’t acknowledge me right away – I would then say, “Do you know who I am?” If he answered, “Hmmmm…sniff sniff…do you smell something?” I would groan and laugh out loud. Only then did I know he was aware of who he was talking to. My father gave me a nickname when I was a baby. He hated changing diapers because it made him gag. Apparently, I was particularly “spicy” in the smell department. So, he nicknamed me “Stinky!” The name stuck throughout my entire life unfortunately. I'm so sad to say - my father passed away last February at 91 – but his legacy nickname lives on in perpetuity!!! Thank you very much DAD! BTW – every time my father called me, he would say, “Hi Colleen, it's your father.” He could never quite grasp the caller ID phenomenon! At my last GP appointment, I had a list of concerns that needed addressing. But when I got to the phrase ”Memory Loss and Menopause" on my list – I froze and chose denial instead of getting a referral for a neurological or psychiatric exam. I don’t know exactly what occurs in a dementia test – but I’ll just pretend that I forgot to ask my doctor and blame menopause on the memory lapse!!! It’s the ole, “What I don’t know won’t hurt me logic.” My Memories!!! Fact or Fiction? It doesn’t’ matter if it’s true or not – it’s what I remember! How I remember! Is it wrong? I don’t think so. If you play the game “Rumor” by whispering a short rumor into someone’s ear and then they pass it along to the next person, etc. etc. – that rumor doesn’t resemble the original one at all! I equate my personal stories to this Rumor game – what I remember can be a completely different “rumor” to the other participants. It happens all the time when I’m with family and relate a story from my past. My mother or brother will pipe up and say, “Colleen, you are completely wrong. That’s not what happened.” I whole-heartedly believe that I am not wrong – I just remember it differently. Memory is subjective and my memories don’t always mesh with other family members, husband, friends, etc. My husband thinks I “embellish” our stories – but do I? In my mind everything is embellished and magnified! That’s just how my brain and personality work. It’s the same story – but told by ME!! I’ve never denied my melodrama and flair for the sensational! I was an actress for crying out loud!!! Practically everything I do is a performance and I expect applause! I’m a middle child of 5 – second girl. 1. Sister 2. Brother 3. ME 4. Brother 5. Brother My memories never sync with my other siblings or parents – but I believe, as a middle child, my stories are absolutely true in my teeny tiny yet spectacular universe. Middle children go through life as if they are on LSD 24/7. Our memories are all “Magical Mystery Stories” because that’s how we get through life as “Not quite as good as the First Child/Daughter or Second Child/Son.” I’ve never done LSD – but I think I know it’s effects!!! I’ve decided at 64 (almost Medicare age) – that I don’t give a rat’s ass if my stories are different from others. It’s what I remember and I’m sticking to it!! Another thing that menopause and memory loss affects is forgetting "common words!" Recently, I started calling every object, “You know, that thingamajig or thingy?” I figured with those words and hand signals my husband would understand what I was talking about. “Thingy” covered just about every forgotten word! My husband disagreed and said, “Use your words!” After about the 20th time he said that to me I finally paid attention (I mean remembered) and attempted to use the real word even if it took a long time to dig it out of the cobwebs that’s become my brain. Of course, that lengthy pause just further irritated him. This is coming from a man who said to me with a wink/nudge/nudge, “I like things that are broken in.” What am I – a saddle? I think he needs to use different words when referring to me sometimes. Thank god I love him. I mention in my book that if you forget a word, just say, “What was that British word?” It sounds so much smarter and who doesn’t love a British accent!!! I have noticed that along with the memory loss, is the inability to multi-task. I used to be a multi-tasking lunatic when I was working. It was part of my genius. I remembered everything as I juggled 20 different tasks at the same time and never dropped that proverbial ball. But when I retired from that over-stressed and underpaid environment – I must have given my brain permission to perform single tasks only and erased my hard-drive of the ability to do more. Now I’m working part time as a freelance Production Manager from home, writing, publishing, marketing (or talking about marketing a lot) and doing all the normal “chores” that keeps the home running smoothly. I’m finding it’s all overwhelming! To add more to the “overwhelming”, I have an author website, multiple social media accounts for my book and personal pleasure and I also keep adding to the list because everyone keeps telling me that I need to do even more in order to become a successful writer and “trendy” human being! It’s a multi-tasking conundrum and pain in the ass!! So, the problem now is that I’m multi-tasking just as much as when I had a full time job but can’t maintain focus or enjoy it. I’m a bit OCD (which means a lot) and find myself searching for a Post-it note so I can write down all the things I need to get done in any given day but can never complete. When I get up in the morning, I find 20 Post-it’s, pages of written notes and my daily diary piled near my laptop – realizing that I had repeated all my tasks/to-dos on various pieces of paper and that nothing has been crossed off from previous day(s). The word “Daunting” keeps popping in my head. I end up getting a little lightheaded, swig down a vat of iced coffee, grab a pen and pad and start all over again from scratch. I’m sure this is a definition for crazy! My only solutions to this memory issue are: A. Meditating – you must clear those cobwebs at least once a day. It calms you so you don't care that your memory is fading. B. Lion’s Mane - for Cognition – vitamin made with “magical” mushroom properties to assist some brain cells that have been murdered over the years – sort of like a “Frankenstein” method of shocking your brain into animation again. I’t’s a mushroom dietary supplement that may help with cognition function or Alzheimer's. C. Doctor visit – you should also consult a doctor who theoretically knows how to help you with your cognitive deficiencies. Keep asking questions if they give you the “You’re getting Old” answer. They have medical degrees on their office wall to help you with menopause and memory loss! Good Luck!!! I “think” I hate getting old sometimes! I really hope you’ll become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! Also, I hope you’ll read my new book Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! Coming out soon! FYI – my book has an illustration with every chapter. I purposefully used minimal accent colors with most of my illustrations. I recommend you pull out some crayons and color me in with your colors of choice. Vent all your inner angst on me! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh

My husband, Ed, loves events like eclipses and our planets natural wonders. He will drop everything to be at 100% totality eclipse. He drove to Tennessee (I believe) for the 2017 Total Solar Eclipse with our dogs while I held down the Baltimore fortification (our home). I was chained to my desk at work and grudgingly allowed to run outside with our clients (as far as my tether would allow) to see a partial eclipse of this 2017 phenomenon and behind cloudy skies. I was still excited. Ed was so enthralled that he immediately started planning the next astronomical event. Living in Baltimore – every night sky spectacle seems to only occur on cloudy nights. We missed comets, meteor showers, eclipses, NASA launches, etc. We went to Iceland to see the Northern Lights a few years ago. I grew up in Northern Maine and saw Northern Lights quite often. Iceland's are even more spectacular. However, Baltimore clouds followed us to Iceland and prevented us from viewing the out-of-this-world light show. Sometimes I feel like a gray cloud follows me everywhere - but that’s another blog topic! To quote Robert Burns: "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Or in our case, "The best laid plans of Ed, and more tragically Colleen, always go awry." I feel sympathy for my husband being saddled with a "Portent of Doom!" Eclipses and comets were considered omens of some calamitous event - but now I've taken on that onus. Just call me Calamity Colleen! I should submit my name fo the next hurricane. As April approached - the excitement over a large swath of the US being able to witness this marvel - was building to a frenzy. We decided that we would take our camper - "Gullible's Travels" - to the destination of Ed's choice - road marker 103 in Mid Ohio (yes they call it Mid Ohio - not central Ohio). He selected this spot from a satellite image of nothing but crop fields and a pull off for farm equipment. Perfect for our camper. I didn't argue (much). Neither of us are big on huge crowds of people congregating - especially in our current environment - read the news!!! I admit that I wasn't as passionate about this trip as Ed - but after much conversation between my numerous personalities - we came to a consensus to enjoy the ride or at least tolerate it. Snag 1 - A couple days prior to leaving - we began the camper preparations. Our plan was to leave on Sunday, 4/7/24 around noon. We'd drive about 4 hours and park - probably at our go-to overnight favorite place - Cracker Barrel. I found one in Pittsburgh. They allow campers to park in their lots overnight - with the caveat that you eat in their restaurant. No worries . I love showing off my skills when I conquer their little table game - while shoving 10 million carbs into my pie hole! On Saturday, I was packing all the groceries, clothing, dog stuff, making the bed, cleaning the camper, etc. - while Ed was checking tires and internal workings. He had to replace the panel that controls heat/AC/water/lights - but that was a snap for him. All was going as planned until it wasn't. In checking the water line - Ed discovered that the water pump wasn't working. He spent all afternoon tearing it apart to find the issue - only to discover that it was irreparable. He ordered a replacement on Amazon (of course) with delivery coming on Sunday. We decided to cross our fingers and proceed as if the stars would align along with the moon and sun - and kept to our plan of leaving Sunday afternoon with the camper in tiptop (and toilet) shape. As we tracked the delivery status of this essential camper devise (water pump = running water, showers and most importantly toilet facilities) the countdown started. The tracking began with delivery arriving between 11 - 2pm. We decided to be optimistic and hooked the camper up to the truck and finished the final packing details. FYI - packing for a camping trip - even a short one - is not just throwing a couple days of clothing into the closet. All the "Camper Accoutrements" fill up the large storage area underneath, the interior storage areas and the back of Ed's truck. Even though it's a tiny towable - it has tons of storage space and many bells and whistles. We can pack a lot of shit in that Baby! But each time we checked the status - it moved further and further back into the dark hours of, "No chance in Hell are we leaving Sunday!" I believe we were the last stop on the Amazon train. So, about dinnertime we had to give up the comfort and flexibility of taking GT and go to Plan B. Snag 2 - I got an alert from Amazon that the eclipse glasses Ed purchased "might not be authentic" and they were immediately refunding our money (so we didn't sue them when we went blind). With no time to find new ones - I researched how to confirm their authenticity (safety) and our cheap knockoffs passed all NASA tests. I wasn't happy that they weren't certified but reluctantly decided to take them. I'll have Ed try them first. If he screams and drops to the ground while scratching his eyes out in agony - then I'll know they were NOT legitimate. Sunday, we unpacked the camper, truck and discussed - “What is Plan B?” Initially Ed wanted to take my car with Tater stuffed in the back – which I immediately said, “No effing way!” But when Ed said that I’d be doing some of the driving (EEK!!!!) I changed my tune about taking his truck. He has stick shift and I HATE driving stick now (in more ways than one). We agreed that my car was more comfortable and better on gas. My Prius Prime has a hatch-back. I put down my back seats and basically dog-poop-proofed the back end. It looked like an insane asylum cell when I was finished. We decided that we would leave the house Monday morning at 4:30am and take our chances with Tater (who has only ridden in my car 3 times to go to the vet. Each time he managed to vomit and have diarrhea - at the same time). Up at 3am, chugging a dump load of coffee and out the door by 4:30am. Tater was quiet and so well behaved. Was he happy? NO! But he was more terrified that we’d leave him behind!! Snag 3 – We were about 20 minutes from our house on Interstate 695 when I saw a huge sign over the four lane highway alerting us that 695 was closed ahead due to a hazardous……. We zoomed past this sign before I could finish reading. Siri told us to get off at each exit we passed. She got louder and louder because we were ignoring her! Her Irish brogue got thicker and impossible to understand her frantic directions. Ed wouldn’t exit and pushed on with overconfidence until we arrived at the police blockade! Yes, this is not unusual for our area - I've already written about MD drivers in my book. We detoured back roads until we finally got to our planned route. I checked my purse for Tums because it was going to be a long day! Driving to Mid Ohio was a fairly smooth ride. The rest stops were packed but we made it to our destination in 6.5 hrs. – even with Tater (actually Colleen) pee-breaks! Fill the tank – empty the tank! We wove our way through the back roads of Ohio until we found the 103-marker. The satellite lied. There were fields but with homes attached. We ended up pulling into a dirt road with a farm building but no vehicles. We let Tater out to play, sniff and eat country Ohio grass while we pondered our eclipse viewing situation. Cars and trucks passed by with rubbernecking locals confused at the citified out-of-staters trespassing on Jim-Bob’s property! Sorry, I don’t know the owner’s name and decided to make fun of a total stranger while illegally parking on his dirt road. My apologies Jim-Bob! After about a half hour we decided to leave before we were kicked out by pitchfork wielding Ohioans and headed for the little town of Sycamore, a half mile down the road. It was very charming and idyllic. We drove past a park filled with families all awaiting the eclipse. It was a “public” park, so we turned around and made ourselves comfortable. It even had a pool and toilet facilities. I was in heaven!! Skies were clear and weather was perfect. We got out our camper chairs, beverages and relaxed while we waited for 1:50pm/eclipse time. People were curious but nice. Tater was enjoying being outside and not in the cramped confines of my Prius. All seemed perfect until a bald man of about 50 sat down not too far from us and Tater jumped to attention and his hackles rose to the occasion. This man was not sitting with all the other local families but staring at all their activities. Tater started barking and growling at him – which made Ed and I take notice. He left soon after and Tater calmed down. Our made-up story was that he was watching the “kids” play with a lot of intense interest. I trust my dog’s instinct more than I trust my own sometimes. So creepy guy left, and Tater went back to watching the families throw footballs wishing one would accidentally land at his feet (paws). The eclipse event was stupendous! We had clear skies and perfect temperate climes. We watched the slow progression of the moon crossing in front of the sun – aligning just to amaze us! As the moon reached about 3/4 totality – we noticed the birds getting quieter and we started hearing crickets. The shadows on the ground were getting sharper and everything had a “strangeness” quality – hard to explain. It was like the Earth was holding its breath. Then it really kicked in and it got dark instantly. The streetlights came on, the birds stopped chirping, the crickets got louder and the temperature dropped 15-20 degrees. Then totality was at 100% and it was full-on nighttime! Everyone screamed and cheered. We took off our eclipse glasses to observe this rare astronomical event (or rare for us to see in the US). We all ooohed and aaahed simultaneously. We applauded the orbs. We kept staring at the sky – awestruck at how complex our universe is and a little scared at the enormity of this magical occurrence. It made me feel tiny and yet overwhelmed by the beauty of the black moon with its brilliant corona. I felt humbled. Then 4 minutes later it was daylight as if none of this had happened and it was just a dream. We were all so excited that we witnessed this Solar Eclipse miracle. As Ed said, “930 miles to see 4 minutes of magic!” We packed up and left around 3:30pm to hit the road home. Siri said we’d arrive about 10:30pm. She was correct – until we hit the highways. Snag 4 – We ran into a wall of misery that did not end until much, much later. It didn’t matter which route or interstate road you selected – they were all wall-to-wall congestion. The highways kept vomiting cars. It was an Eclipse Sea of exasperation, anxiety and the futility of our efforts to get home. One of our major routes south was closed off and that compounded the problem exponentially. We knew how far we had to go and realized that we had made a big ass boo-boo. The entire East Coast was driving home the same time we were. We thought by avoiding the big tourist areas – we’d be better off – but we were naïve idiots! Not to bore you with all the traffic details – but we were diverted a few times only to hit another obstacle – and it lasted until morning. When we got on the Pennsylvania Turnpike – we were both very tired (and nauseous). We began stopping at every Rest Area just to pee, get caffeine and wake up! Ed drove the entire way because we both knew I would be unable to handle the traffic (I’m terrified of driving since I’ve aged out of logic). We considered getting a hotel until we realized that they were all booked along this route. So, we wiped our tears and soldiered on. The rest stops were packed with tired, frustrated and angry people. A few stops had run out of fuel which added urgency to the exhausted grumbling mob. The Semi-trucks were lining the highways because the overabundance of eclipse cars was taking up all the spots at the rest areas. At one point in my delirium – I felt like we were in an alien invasion - and everyone was evacuating at the same time and running for their lives. It reminded me a little too much of all the apocalyptic movies I’ve watched and enjoyed – sitting in my jammies eating popcorn on my comfy couch – smugly laughing at the hysteria on the boob tube. I wasn’t laughing now. I see our future! I’m going to skip ahead to the last two rest areas and spare you the pain we endured. Ed walked Tater while I went in and peed for the 75th time that day/night/day. I never pass by a bathroom without using it – because you never know when you’ll have access to another one. The women’s bathroom line was particularly long, but I persevered. I looked over at a family and saw the following: Mom swaying barely holding an infant with a dull blank expression just one sway away from collapse. Dad stumbled away. Little girl in a onesie PJ blankly staring with shoulders drooping – trying to prop herself up against her swaying mom. Little boy in same PJ outfit slowly sagged to the floor like his bones were made of Jello and laid face down on the disgusting floor with arms spread out like a biblical cross reference of surrender. I couldn’t take my eyes away. It spoke volumes of the nightmarish loop we were all experiencing. When I eventually got into the bathroom – half of it was blocked off. We all suspected that the toilets had been overwhelmed and choked into submission and defeated by humanities digestive tracts. Snag 5 - The next rest stop – our last – was Ed crawling into the back with Tater and taking a nap. I can't nap - so I meditated on how tired I was. Ed went inside after his pathetic attempt at a nap to get coffee and food. When he got in the car, I asked him, “Did you eat? Where’s your coffee?” He proceeded to tell me that 7-11 was the only thing open at this hour. The rest stop eateries had run out of food and was filled with comatose people, standing and swaying, staring at nothing, buying nothing and making him a twinge nervous. He bought and ate a bear claw filled with pudding and covered in cranberry icing (he gagged and so did I). He was pouring sludge coffee at the counter until he realized the living dead had detected movement and were all standing behind him transfixed by the coffee pour. He decided to leave (escape). This confirmed all my worst nightmares! We weren’t expecting the eclipse to trigger a zombie apocalypse. And we did not anticipate the outbreak starting in Pennsylvania at a rest stop 7-11. But it all makes sense now! We wearily chuckled, but this drive had turned into a horror film. We escaped with our lives and still had 3 hours to go. Once we avoided Rte. 70 and continued to Harrisburg – the traffic seemed to disappear. It was just our Prius and a few Semi’s until we got home. We pulled into our driveway at 3am (exactly 24 hrs. since we woke up and left). This was a harsh lesson to learn. Both Ed and I agreed that this would never happen again – without months (my suggestion) of discussion and organization. I’ve decided that I will do all the planning and set a spreadsheet schedule for Ed to follow leading up to our next event departure. Being tortured is not our bag of fun! Especially at our age. Tater held in his anxiety for 24 hrs. and released it (diarrhea) over the course of two days – but otherwise thrilled to be home. He was even happy to see Rey – his feline nemesis! Aside from being traumatized on this trip and getting a peek into what Hell might be like or cast in the next "The Walking Dead Sequel" (number 39) called "The Eclipse Dead" - we had such a unique experience together viewing the wonderment of nature. Our tiny planet and universe bestow such awe-inspiring phenomena. Everywhere you turn you witness natural beauty – whether it’s the spring tulips popping, buds on trees releasing an array of colorful and fragrant flowers, bees drinking up all the nectar and pollinating all those trees and flowers – springtime is so vibrant and refreshing. Our planet is filled with visions of grandeur. Seeing the eclipse has inspired and reconfirmed my moral compass to cherish this planet. I want it to live on, thrive and be happy. If we all did our part (that means you – Corporations and Governments and Zombies) we could sustain Mother Earth for all future generations. If we continue to destroy HER, then SHE will rebel and wipe us out. Don’t forget a very important expression – Force of Nature – because Mother Nature is a Bad Ass! Oh, for the Love of Mother Earth! "There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors."  By Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would really appreciate some reviews. Amazon takes them VERY SERIOUSLY and it really helps my ranking, relevancy, algorithm and ego. Please tell everyone that my book is available on Amazon - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All! Thanks again for your support and encouragement. I am so humbled by your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!! Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite! Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your social media friends, family and followers. Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

What was it like growing up under the shadow of perfection – that was my older sister? A f**king tough act to follow! Let me start this blog by saying, “I’m not a whole person without my sister. I would not be the woman I am today without my personal influencer - Bridget!" My sister is 3 years older than me and looks 3 years younger. I hate her for that – but – she has a more Zen approach to living than I do. One time in an airport - traveling together - a man approached us at the check-in kiosk asking if we needed assistance. We were doing just fine but he wanted to mansplain the procedure and hang out with us while we tolerated his hovering. He said, "You two are definitely sisters. Which one of you is the oldest?" First off - what a rude question and none of his business. Secondly, I immediately knew he'd already determined who was older by looking directly at me when he asked and I was being set up for failure. So, I said, "Don't even go there! I know she looks younger!!" Just an example of what I've had to accept my whole adult life. The truth hurts sometimes! Stupid strange man!! Haven't they learned to never ask a woman her age or if she's pregnant? She’s the oldest of 5 and got the bulk of my mom’s youthful beauty genes. Another fact that I despair over when I look into a mirror – but I don’t begrudge her this gift. Our personalities are both unique, but I use her as a barometer when making life decisions. She is the first person I would call if I needed guidance or a sounding board. She’s chill and I’m dramatic. She doesn’t “What If…” everything, while I do. Don’t get me wrong – she implodes on occasion but it’s rare and scares the shit out of everyone – because it’s abnormal. Abnormal is my bailiwick! I have a melt-down almost daily – even if it’s internalized and not vomiting anxiety all over a room and any of its inhabitants. Bridget sleeps like a log while I spend my nights handwringing over all the possible scenarios that can go wrong. We are so different, but I believe that is what makes our relationship exceptional and strong. I think/hope she agrees. I tried for years (most of my life) to be like her – but failed miserably (exhibit A – my first marriage). I put a lot of pressure on her and myself. I gradually abandoned that futile dream and carved my own path and lifestyle. I’m finally at an age where I can embrace my choices and accept my flaws (most of them). It only took a lifetime to come to this epiphany. I’ve also learned that my sister is not perfect and I love her more as a result. Putting someone on a pedestal is not healthy for either of you. My sibs are about one year apart in age and my sister, being the eldest, took on (was forced upon) the burden of mother/babysitter early on. I think she was very happy in her early toddler days (especially since mom allowed her to drink coffee - see image), when she had a couple more siblings/infants to cuddle, sniff and play with like a baby doll – but got a little jaded when 2 more popped out. Being the oldest was not easy and a responsibility that she shouldn’t have had to bear alone. Mom was young and needed all the help she could get – and that fell on to Bridget. She grew up faster than the rest of us. She also had to set a good example throughout her childhood and teens. Another boatload of unnecessary cargo for her to endure. We shared a bedroom and our differences showed quite early. Her side was cluttered and lived in – while mine was tidy and OCD psychotic. I coveted everything she possessed (body and soul) - and plotted my take-over daily. I envied her and wished to be just like her and wasted years striving to be her clone. I was an irritating gnat that she couldn’t get rid of – because we shared a room and bloodline. But through all that (my) annoying, infuriating, disturbing behavior – we ultimately became friends – once I cut (gnawed through) the umbilical cord. It only took about 50 years. I’m a slow learner and chewer. I could go on and on and on about my sister and my troubling psychosis – but that isn’t the point of this blog. I could rehash many moments throughout our lives that demonstrate that I’m crazy and need analysis – but I want to focus on why my sister is so special and why I call her my best friend. I’m not assuming the feeling is entirely mutual – but I know how much she loves me. That's all I need. I don’t consider myself to be a very lucky person – but – I hit the jackpot with my best friend - my sister. She is my favorite human being to lose bladder control and continue laughing with soggy panties!! It’s a badge of honor to make each other laugh so hard that we squirt a little mortification into our underwear. The discomfort is worth it! My sister is a unique and beautiful human being. She has a lot of traits and qualities that my Grammy Doris had. She is nurturing and caring. She is giving and selfless. She is intelligent and creative. She is calm and thoughtful. She is graceful and elegant. She is funny and witty. She is beautiful of body, mind and spirit. And she has gorgeous hands! All of us (me) put a lot of pressure on Bridget as we grew into adulthood to become the matriarch of our little tribe of five. Some of us begrudgingly so – but age won over ego. She’s a generous spirit and accepted her responsibility (onus) – but at what cost? We (I mean “I”) sucked a lot of air out of the room whenever I visited her – and I visited a lot! I couldn't stay away from her for very long - I needed my Bridget fix! I know it took a toll on her. I hope that I’ve been able to reciprocate a portion of what she’s given me over the years. I would do anything for my sister. My goal is to always make her smile and laugh. I’ve talked about her in some previous blogs - Sneeze the Day, Senior Moments, Having a Bad Hair Day, Holi-Geddon, I Should Have Written a Romance Novel - and could easily write a book about her and our combined experiences. But I’ll give you just a few of my favorite moments that had us both rolling on the couch, floor, ditch, store, event, you catch my drift – laughing until we peed, farted, snorted or all the above. A. More on Romance Novels - Back in the day of many brick-and-mortar bookstores – we used to frequent them together often. We are both avid readers and will share what we are currently reading because we like a lot of the same genres. I remember Bridget, Mom and I went to a bookstore and spread out to search for books that would let us escape life for a few hours. We had tons of time to mosey. Somehow, we gravitated to the romance section. If I recall this correctly, Bridget and I arrived first and thus began a nostalgic conversation of our romance reading days. I don’t know who started this – but we began to laugh at some of the covers and titles (Ex.: Sweet Savage Love). Next thing I know, one of us starts reading passages out loud. I think I eventually took over because I am a ham and love to entertain. There were quite a few people in the shop – so we did this in our inside/quiet voices – not to make fun of or hurt anyone’s feelings. But if you’ve never read a romance novel out loud – do it – it’s hysterical!!! Romance novels have unrealistic specimens of male/female beauty - bodies tasting, coaxing, devouring, aching, bursting, seducing, possessing, moaning, plunging, thrusting, etc. etc. So many sexy romantic verbs!!! We kept reading and laughing! Even though we spoke quietly, the laughter was loud enough that Mom came looking for us. We were on a roll and kept going once she arrived and the three of us were on the floor laughing so hard we cried. I’m sure this involved some accidental squirting. We were wet but it wasn’t from the romantic man of our dreams. Laughing and tinkling were appropriate verbs for the three of us. Two verbs you’d never see in a romance novel. For example: “His lips were hard and merciless.” “She felt his tongue pillage her mouth, forcing involuntary whimpers from her alabaster throat.” First, if a man ever kissed me with hard and merciless lips – I’d probably kick him in the balls! Secondly, the words “pillage” and “forcing” and the phrase “involuntary whimpers from her throat” are not PC in our current environment and could be in a noir crime novel. I’m taking them out of romance context, but you catch my drift. Romance novels, Barbie dolls, Playboy magazines and Miss America pageants gave me a very confused and tortured outlook on life – one that I could never live up to – but very few can or should. I'm glad that some of these skewed feminine tropes are being eliminated or given new definitions of reality. I really liked the 2023 Barbie movie - best woman speech ever!!! I wish I could have seen it with my sister! Ed was my sister substitute - but refused to wear pink! B. Our Short Crime Spree - Another memory is in Perham, Maine. Bridget and her family moved back up to Northern Maine to a beautiful farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. Her home was the hub for all family get togethers. She has been the hostess du jour since she married. I truly don’t know how she did it. She can put together a party – theme, food, decorating, entertaining, doggy-bags, cleanup – without breaking a sweat. Anyway, that’s just an aside on how much she has done for our whole family. One time I was staying with her – we were coming back from some family event late at night in her Prius. There was a large Amish farm enroute to her home. Throughout my visit we kept passing this farm and noticed this odd small neatly made shack across the road from the main farmhouse. This sect of Amish did not have electricity or telephones – so we couldn’t figure out what this shack was used for. We pondered about this and kept trying to guess its purpose. I asked if it was for the children waiting for the bus in the cold winter months? No, because they don’t attend our schools. We wondered if it was a phone booth for emergencies and because it was verboten they had to secretly put it across the street from the farmhouse. Was it the husband’s man-cave when he needed a break from being Amish? Was it their secondary bathroom (outhouse)? The mystery was killing us, so we decided to stop and check it out! The Amish were all in bed and we pulled over in pitch dark. We used our sacrilegious iPhone flashlight to see and crept through the ditch and around the discomfiting and befuddling building. As we got closer, we worried that it was storage for the “Children of the Corn” dead bodies but found that it was just an unlocked, empty building. What possessed us to look into this shack of curiosity is a conundrum but we started laughing at our law-breaking antics and couldn’t stop. We were afraid that we’d wake the Amish and get chased with horse, buggy and pitchfork. So, we stumble/ran back to the Prius and tried to make a clean get away. I yelled, “Hurry up and let’s peel away real quietly!!!” (If you need a translation – Priuses make no noise.) We laughed all the way home – despite our disappointment in the Amish shed! I wonder if they hid a mini-cam inside their peculiar novelty – secretly watching all the heretics make fools of themselves breaking and entering. C. Dumpster Diving - We can find humor in any situation. We typically embarrass ourselves at most restaurants, movie theatres, stores, etc. It’s what makes us laugh the hardest. Public displays of silly hilarity. One recent escapade was during a sad and difficult time. We traveled up to Maine for our dad’s birthday. Our father was slowly disappearing (dementia) from us and it was always bittersweet visiting him. Our brother wanted us to go through some of dad’s old boxes of pictures and collected doodads – leaving it to us to decide what to keep and what to toss. We were not comfortable doing this project for many reasons but approached it pragmatically and threw away a lot of pictures, etc., that were no longer meaningful to our father. As usual, my mom wanted to keep everything – but had no place to store it and a tug of war ensued. We had to wrestle her to prevent her from thwarting our mission. A lot of the pictures were duplicates and dad no longer remembered the people in them – so we tossed a lot of them in the nearby dumpster. But then my brother texted and wanted to make sure we weren’t just throwing everything away without careful consideration. We paused! His message was clear. He really didn’t want anything thrown away. Basically, an exercise in futility. So, the next morning we went dumpster diving. My mother’s complex had a huge dumpster and right after we’d had our gallon of coffee – Bridget elected to go spelunking for photos. I’m sure the neighbors had a good laugh at three women pulling out yesterday’s garbage – one in the dumpster, one gathering her findings and one taking pictures. Fun times! We started out irritated and ended up laughing our asses off at the absurdity of our family and situation. Bridget elected to dig through garbage, I gathered and mom took photos. It all worked out. Luckily there were no opened bags of garbage, and it was only a couple days of trash to go through. We packed it in mom’s car and gave it back to my brother. There are two hours we’ll never get back! But we had fun anyway! D. Target Child-Stroller - The 4 Amigos were all together a few years ago (at my sister's home in Laurel, MD for the holidays) and in need of taking a trip to Target one night. My mom, Bridget, my niece Dani and myself entered the store and in somewhat of a hurry. I don't remember who suggested the following but we squeezed mom into a child's Target stroller and pushed her around the entire store just for fun. My mom is always game for a good laugh. We zoomed around and went into tight aisles and laughed until we cried. Dani took pictures and video's (thank god) and reminded me about this Xmas stroll through Target. I'm sure we amused and annoyed the other late holiday shoppers - but we had a blast!!! E. Bittersweet FaceTimes – For a short time, I had my sister nearby me in Maryland. She and her husband moved down to be near their son and daughter-in-law. They were planning on having children – so Bridget wanted to be close by when the first grandchild was born. I had just a few years of my favorite person living within a half hour of me. I was so happy. My nephew and niece got pregnant and soon after the baby shower – Covid exploded and the world of isolation and chaos began. The first grandchild was born and no one could visit. I also retired during Covid and with rules relaxing a smidge – was able to spend time with all of them. I was finally recovering from my previous career and settling into the freedom of movement – visiting family. But then they all decided to move to Maine. Happiness, for me, is handed out in small increments. My happy allotment expires until I build up enough distress points that allow me to have another break in the exhausting cycle. After they moved and I started digging my way out of my heartbreak rabbit hotel – my sister asked if we could FaceTime every Thursday so we could keep in touch – even if only by phone. These FT’s have been some of our funniest conversations. We have a week of ironic events to catch up on. We both have a somewhat twisted sense of humor and can make each other laugh until we are crying and choking. I enjoy making her laugh so much. I remember telling her about signing up for Medicare and all the phone calls I made to the various senior advocate programs to help me navigate this crazy procedure – which can be very confusing. When I called AARP I ended up giving the 64-year-old man helping me a lecture on Medicare. He decided that he didn’t need to sign up for Medicare since he had good insurance through AARP. So, I gave him all the knowledge I’d inhaled over months of research and our call ended with him saying, “Thank you so much for all the info! Wasn’t I supposed to be helping you on this call? I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your questions.” Oh well! I was glad to help. Another call was to the department on aging in Maryland called the State Health Insurance Assistance Program – aka SHIP. Just about every aging question I asked – they replied, “Sorry, I can’t help you with that." The SHIP woman told me, I would have to fill out a “ship sheet” to get answers to my some of my questions. Apparently she just answered the phone?? She said it so fast that I heard – shipsheet – as one word. It also sounded a lot like, shitsheet. I recovered and asked, “What did you say?” She said, “Shipsheet.” In my head, I was highly amused at the way she said this important questionnaire form – so I replied with barely concealed humor, “So, if I need info, I have to fill out a shipsheet?” “Yes,” she replied, “A shipsheet.” I proceeded to ask her any question I could think of that involved using these two words and saying them REALLY FAST EVERYTIME: “What is a shipsheet?” “Why do I need to fill out a shipsheet?” “Where do I get this shipsheet?” “What happens when I get this shipsheet?” “How do I fill out this shipsheet? “Is someone going to call me when they get my shipsheet?” I was crying (tears of absurdity) by the end of that conversation – and finally abandoned my inside joke and filled out a shipsheet! I told Bridget these stories on our FT and we roared with laughter until we collapsed with exhaustion. All I have to say to her is “shipsheet” and we start laughing all over again. I look at life this way - if I can't get the answers I need then I want a satisfying chuckle!!! This past FT, we were talking about feeling somewhat isolated – in that I (we) don’t get out much except to shop – chores being the only interactions with other people. I mentioned that I get super excited when I need groceries, cleaning supplies or pet food. She said, “Maybe you should just go to a place like Barnes and Noble and hang out.” I answered, “That would just depress me.” She temporarily forgot about B&N cancelling my book signing, not carrying my physical book in their stores and breaking my soul. Then she said, “I think you should just put some of your books on the B&N (Humor) shelf and see what happens.” I replied, “It’s a small section but I think I could squeeze one of my tiny books on the crowded baby shelf. Maybe I’ll autograph it!” Bridget burst out laughing and said, “They’ll never guess who put it there.” Then I said, “I’ll autograph it and say, F**k You Barnes & Noble! XOXOXO Colleen McIntosh. That should get their attention!” These conversations make us laugh so hard and make me appreciate my sister that much more. I travel up to Maine every year but it’s never quite the quality time I’d like to have with my sister. I’m usually so busy traveling from one family visit to another - spending more time in the car than actual visiting - plus spending as much time as I can with my parents (my sweet dad has passed but I still have mom) – that the sisterly quality time I cherish is squeezed into small increments. We often abandon sleep, so we don’t miss a second of laughing and talking and being together. I return home delirious and sad that it went by in a blur. I have a large family and want to see everyone (whether they like it or not). My self-imposed isolation heavily weighs on my conscience, but I made that choice – just as they’ve made the choice to live in Maine. If I can’t be with her – then I will write about her. For someone who is so loud and dramatic – I still feel invisible. But my sister helps ground me and sees me and loves me just the way I am (most of the time or some of the time). There have been 2 men in my life that I thought I loved. They were both intimidated and resentful of my love and attention for my sister. They were both little mean bully's who were jealous and petty. Needless to say, they are no longer part of my life. Love me - love my sister - Period! There are so many differences between us – but let’s start with a few similarities: We both smile with disappearing eyes (the squint family trait). We both have birthdays in early October (Libra's). We both love music (albeit in our own way). We both love dancing (but she is trained and elegant while I am semi-trained and flail with my own inner beat and get an A for enthusiasm). We are both selective about our best friends (she has one and I have her). We both love reading, movies and good TV shows (I lack Britbox, darn it). We both love our precious times of solitude (hard won moments of personal me-time). We both get taken for granted (had to throw this one in). We both draw/sketch (but I think she’s better than she admits). We both agree ethically and politically (thank god). We both love to laugh and make each other laugh (best attribute of all). We both love lobster (anyone who doesn't is either a communist or an alien)! Our distinct personality differences: She is brunette/hazel-eyed and I am blonde/blue (I think we look nothing alike). She is serene, calm and patient and I am dramatic and animated (that means crazy). She is beautiful and I am interesting (I use my mind-meld to distract people from my flaws). We are both creative – but each have our own unique talents – I sing, dance, act and write - while she is scientific/mathmatical, dances beautifully, decorates, creates whatever she decides to put her mind to creating (ex. Elaborate lampshades, Subversive embroidery). She is chill and I am OCD. She is an excellent gardener and I am Ed’s poor substitute when needed. She has gorgeous hands and I have utilitarian hands. She is a mother/grandmother, nurturer and I’m not (I impatiently nurture - order around - my primate and pets). She is a fabulous cook and I’m getting better now that I have time to experiment (I'll give myself one compliment - I make THE BEST Italian Ricotta Cookies). It takes a lot to ruffle my sister and I can put up with a tremendous amount of emotional abuse – until we blow!! You don’t want to be around either of us when it reaches nuclear reaction phase. It’s terrifying. I’ll be spending time with my sister this coming October. I’ll be babysitting with her for 2 weeks. Celebrating our birthdays together. It will be exhausting but so fantastic to be in one spot for the whole trip and having some sister-time. I’m looking forward to babysitting my grandnieces. I’ll get to see my niece, Dani, hopefully her fiancée, Christian and my nephew, Monkey (pug). My mom will also come down to visit. I also hope to see my cousin, Leah and family, my aunts and uncles, a couple friends from high school. After I typed this paragraph, I realized that my sister and I will probably have very little time together. Oh well, thank god for FaceTime! I can’t forget to mention all the other women in my life – past and present. My mom, mother-in-law, grandmothers, great aunts, aunts, cousins, nieces, great nieces, sister-in-law’s, female friends of family, Alvarado Square neighbors/woman's group, co-workers/clients, old friends that have drifted away or passed but forever remembered (high school, college, acting days).I love and admire you all!! Women are truly amazing! Thanks to my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All – I am meeting and interacting with women online and in person – who share my passion and champion this challenging healthcare phase of every woman’s life. No woman is invisible. We are all relevant. We deserve to be seen and heard. We’re not making this shit up! To all the women I like, love, cherish, esteem, admire, enjoy and respect – I salute you! Give yourselves a loud and mighty MENO-PLAUSE!!! "There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors."  By Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would love (I’m begging you) to get some reviews posted by the wonderful people who purchased or were gifted my book. If you could take a moment and post a review on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Good Reads, Bookbaby Bookshop &/or your social media platforms - I would be ever so humbled and grateful. I'll send you my recipe for Italian Ricotta Cookies! I’m typing this on bended knees! Thank you to the wonderful women (and one man) who have reviewed my book on Amazon, B&N and Good Reads. I'm so grateful! Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!! Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite! Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your friends, family and strangers! Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

I’ve mentioned how I discovered reading books in my Hair Today Gone Tomorrow blog. My mother was an avid reader and wanted to instill that same passion in her children. I remember my mom testing different books/genres on me – encouraging me to read and escape life for a while (like she did). She hit the jackpot on “Romance Novels” of which she had plenty. I read a Rosemary Rogers (may she rest in peace) romance called “Sweet Savage Love” and was hooked!!! This book cover is pre-Fabio - the go-to half-naked male model for a ton of romance novels in the 90s. Flowers blossoming are also a go-to image representing a women's budding nether regions. I can’t remember exactly how old I was but enough to be titillated by these tales of seduction (underdog beauty “hits” that jackpot hunk). I was like a dog with a boner! I spent an entire summer locked in my room reading a book a day until I was sated (in every sense of the word – if you catch my drift). From there I moved on to other genres and the rest is history. I’m a book addict!!! (BTW - I don't remember the first romance novel I read that began my imaginary trysts with this genre - but Sweet Savage Love is the one I clearly remember tickling my burgeoning libido!!) I tried writing a romance novel a couple times. My heroine/protagonist always had short hair, somewhat attractive, cutting wit, spunky and an attitude. Unlike the romance novels I read as a child/teen/adult. Heroines of yore were slim but had ample breasts, long legs, curvy with athletic hips, derriere that caused brawls, crystalline green eyes, rose-petal lips, and long, thick, lustrous, wavy red hair. Oh, and they smelled and tasted delicious no matter what era! In other words – unrealistically gorgeous and super smart with a natural body odor of lavender! I never finished my romance novel and instead chose to write about my Menopausal Journey – not the exotic tale or locale I originally had in mind – but a journey, nonetheless. Instead of long lustrous red hair that flowed and seduced like it had a mind of its own – I wrote about a sexagenarian (ironically this means a woman in her sixties - and begins with "sex" - someone's cruel sense of humor created this word) with hair that is thinning, dry and dull of finish - a short mane of ash. Reality can be just as fascinating as fiction - right? Maybe I should switch genre’s entirely and write a Murder Mystery! “Who Murdered My Youth?” Menopause did it!!! Short book! I have my mom to thank for my love of words, writing and books. My sister recently reminded me that mom had spicier romance novels in her underwear drawer next to her bed - thinking we wouldn’t find them and trusting we wouldn’t look. Dad had True Crime Detective magazines that were graphic, creepy and intense - hidden on his side of the bed. Dad’s mags had black and white photos of dead bodies – sometimes naked – with strategically placed black-out strips to hide their wobbly bits. This gave us quite an insight into each parents’ kinks – some very disturbing. With 5 kids in the household – I know at least 3 of us had no problem rifling around our parents’ private spaces. We intuitively knew that there was “gold in them thar bedside drawers!" We secretly read these kinky rags with a pit in our stomach and a sweaty grin on our face. We ignored the gun rack – but preferred the smut instead. My book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All - and my 65-year-old carcass - are not topically worthy for a book signing, interview or a small space on a bookstore bookshelf. It’s not considered a “big seller” like the popular genres. Humor sections tend to be the smallest in any given bookstore. Maybe I should have finished my romance novel and children's book – two very popular categories and worthy opponents. Maybe I should have established myself in romance before unleashing my menopause book?? Maybe I should have been less naïve about the publishing industry and admit that the only people who care about menopause are older (invisible) women! Maybe there should be more humor in this world! Lots of “Maybe’s!” I understand why children’s books are popular – but unclear why romance novels are still so over-saturated a genre. I thought feminism would have eliminated these happily-ever-after books of mental masturbation. But romance novels have survived the test of time. Please don’t yell at me, romance lovers! I learned to worship books by reading romance novels and I read a ton of them. Romance is a much sought after delicacy when you have an empty hole to fill (sorry for the play on words) in your lives – me included. Unfortunately, my middle-child-syndrome romantic nature – set a high bar for every man (boy) I dated. No one could live up to my romance book hero image. We all deserve romance in our lives but shouldn’t have such high expectations. Men don’t read these novels so how are they to learn what we want and need! Men also want “Happy Endings” but theirs involve a somewhat questionable massage parlor! I’m considering pulling out some of my old favorites to rekindle those illusory yearnings. I need to rejuvenate my cob-webbed desires for my husband and our marriage. I get too complacent and lose motivation in our bedroom gymnastics. Making an effort would show him I actually care. As I’ve aged – I think men are the romantics! During my 40’s – I lost my sexual urges – thank you menopause. Menopause retired my libido both physically and mentally. My loins no longer hungered for my husband's mighty shaft! Sorry - I had to inject a little romance-speak. I needed more hardcore bodice-ripping literature to stir my obsolete pubic region! I was a big fan of the author, Anne Rice. I ripped through “The Vampire Chronicles” and any other world she created with fervor. What woman can resist a sexy, enigmatic vampire – the original Bad Boy!! If only my husband could be turned!! I later discovered that she writes under pseudonyms. A. N. Roquelaure was her erotic writer/personality. The “Sleeping Beauty Trilogy” was my personal (perverse) favorite. There are a lot of dog-eared pages in those books! I just discovered that she wrote a 4th book in the series called, “Beauty’s Kingdom.” I’ll need to add that to my steamy collection! These books have little resemblance with the Disney version. Hers are naughty princess books!!! I discovered a side of me that I didn’t know existed thanks to these well-written twisted books of romantic mind porn! Jane Austen ignited the world in the late 1800’s but propelled to best seller status posthumously. Her books are still in print worldwide and so popular they’ve done a ton of movies, BBC series and modern-day rip-offs on her genius for creating clever hot women. She was the first feminist in the writing community. All her protagonists were well-read and strong of character – controlled by others (men) who thought they knew better - but ultimately the women triumphed in the end. To this day, millions of women’s hearts flutter when we read her novels. Thank you, Mr. Darcy! Her stories were pure romance with lots of witty banter and intrigue. Today’s society is not much different – with all the misconceptions of women and our status – being treated as the inferior race. Advancements in equality have been 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. We might have less constricting clothing and etiquette than Jane’s era – but we are still considered second class citizens and told what we can and cannot do with our bodies (by men). But I admire her commitment to changing the norms. One thing that has not changed is the romance textbook – a formula on how to write the perfect romance novel. The protagonist always dislikes the intended love interest and challenges him at every turn. Other forces encourage this animosity and thwart the union. Tragedy, conflict, excruciating torment and mayhem ensues only to bring the lovers crashing together – realizing that their disdain has morphed into love/lust – and on its final pages – becomes happily ever after! Jane Austen novels have been the inspiration for many authors. I'm sure they influenced Julia Quinn and her “Bridgerton” books. Another series brought to life with a modern twist by Shondaland for Netflix. The most watched TV show during Covid! Thank you Shonda for Regé-Jean Page! He was an enthusiastic lunch topic with the ladies at work (until a troll appeared to tear apart our moment of joy!). Sigh! Ugly primates are threatened by perfection! The “Fifty Shades” series by E. L. James took this genre to a darker side of romance. It started a revolution that catapulted kinky as fashionable. We all have a secret sexual quirk!! I know a lot of women who drooled over these books. Too bad the movie didn’t live up to the novel standards! Diana Gabaldon’s “Outlander Series" made romance novels legitimate. These historical time-traveling romance tomes were mega bestsellers and validated this genre. Once again, so popular they made it into a mega-hit TV series. Men in kilts are HOT! Janet Evanovich and her “Stephanie Plum Series” was a pleasant surprise in romance. Her main character was a clumsy, feisty bounty hunter with normal looks and a messy love-life but with huge sexual appeal. Janet’s books were filled with great characters, hot sex scenes and laugh-out-loud funny. Always a good mystery to solve, fast-paced and witty as shit! This series has proven its strength at 31 books to date. Even my older cerebral brother was addicted to these novels. This "Happy Ending" theme has remained the blueprint for these gems to date – whether it’s Rosemary Rogers, Anne Rice, A. N. Roquelaure, E. L. James, Diana Gabaldon, Julia Quinn, Janet Evonovich and other popular heart pounding novels – just with more bodily fluids! Romance novels reflect real life as well. Remember when you were in elementary school and the irritating boy that sat behind you. The one that decided you were his daily target of abuse. The one who pulled your ponytail or blew spitballs at your head or made fun of you daily. The one you hated with a burning passion and swore an oath to get revenge. The same one, now in high school, who finally admitted he was smitten with you and had been since grade school. Finally confessing that his antics were gestures of adoration not derision. I considered dating him after he professed his unrequited passion for me – but like most women – couldn’t forget my vow of revenge and decided to spurn his advances one more time and squeeze his testicles into a vise of glee - thus ending the chapter that will never be. I guess romance novels are nothing like real life!!! I’d like to point out the obvious for one minute. All these beautiful, sexy, intelligent protagonists – in these bodice/panty ripper books – will eventually go through "The Menopause." No one writes about women beyond a certain age group (18 - 25). Maybe I’ll write a romance novel called, “Sixty Shades of Silver!” Still smoking hot at 65 – with a Medicare card!!! BTW – I found my old notebook with my first attempt at romance writing which was in my early 30’s. The opening line was, “I want a divorce!” To give you context – I was married to my first husband – ages 30-35. Prophetic!! When I’m at Barnes & Noble – wandering through the maze of categories – I am astounded at how huge the romance section is – with large, curved bookshelves filled with lust – spilling over onto small tables to cover this prolific genre. When I was asked to categorize my book – everyone was a little confused as to what genre I fell under. It wasn’t self-help or autobiographical in the usual sense. So, I selected Humor. The first time I looked for the B&N humor section – I had to ask someone for help. When they showed me - I asked them, “Is this a joke?” They didn’t laugh. It was all the way in the back in the Mish-Mosh section. Cramped and tiny in scope. It was laughable!!! I was not impressed – but couldn’t wait to see my book on this under-appreciated bookshelf. I’ve already mentioned the B&N betrayal – so I now avoid that section of the store. It is too painful. Especially because I would have been so close to David Sedaris (my hero). My favorite humorist! BTW - Humor is Sexy!!! It’s been a long time since I’ve read romance. My interests segued into other genres – Horror, Sci-fi, Fantasy, Scandinavian Noir Crime, British Thrillers, Humor, etc. I am a fiction reader. I get enough reality splattered on my psyche all day – reading is my escape. I particularly love book series – because once a character grabs your attention – you become an addict and need your fix every couple years!! Also, as you age and your memory evaporates - you have a ton of book series to read again!! Below are some of my all-time favorites: Jason Pargin – currently reading through every book he's written – bat-shit crazy genre. Start with “John Dies at the End.” Rating: 5 star “Laugh out loud!” I love the way this man writes!!! Kindred spirit! Mick Herron – also currently reading – British M15 - “Slough House” series. British thriller with cut-throat humor. Rating: 5 star “Thriller that makes me laugh out loud!” Also bat-shit crazy! Jo Nesbo – Scandinavian Noir Crime Thrillers - “Harry Hole” series. Rating: 5 star “Bite your nails to the quick tension.” Jussi Adler Olsen – Scandinavian Noir Crime Thrillers - “Department Q” series. Rating: 5 star “Bite your nails to the quick – and care too deeply for the series regulars.” Stieg Larsson – Scandinavian Noir Crime Thrillers - “Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” series. I give this an honorable mention since this was my first Scan Noir Crime author. Rating: 4 star “First book was fantastic – but the rest did not live up to its hype.” Grady Hendrix – Horror - “HORRORSTÖR” was the first one I read – which takes place in an Ikea-style store. Rating: 5 star “Best original horror story.” All his horror stories are unique and with a sense of gory humor. Max Brooks – Horror - “Zombie Survival Guide” – which is in our bathroom library. “World War Z” - I read this one after his survival guide. Ed and I are now prepped for the zombie apocalypse!! Rating: 5 star “Love me a good zombie story. Gory, scary and the fastest zombies ever!” Zombies seem like a credible threat in our current climes. BTW – who doesn’t love his parents – Mel Brooks and Anne Bancroft! I’ve read a zillion zombie books but he deserves credit for best zombie characters. Orson Scott Card – Sci-fi - “Ender’s Game” series. Fantastical Sci-fi. I consider Sci-fi a consequential genre – as these writers are forecasters of our future tech and demise! Rating: 5 star “I am in awe of the Sci-fi author and their imagination!” Douglas Adams – Sci-fi - “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” series. He has a humorist’s twist on science fiction. Genius! Rating: 5 star “Laugh out loud! Bat-shit crazy adventures!” He’s so funny that he was invited to write skits for Monty Python! Neil Gaiman – Fantasy - “Neverwhere.” First book that I read and then consumed every novel he wrote since then. Rating: 5 star “He transports me to other dimensions.” He has a dark side! Joan D. Vinge – Fantasy - “The Snow Queen Cycle” series. Very vivid and intelligent fantasy. Love her writing style. Rating: 5 star “Visually stunning tales.” George R. R. Martin – Fantasy - “The Game of Thrones” series. As yet unfinished. Rating: 5 star “Epic series of the twentieth century.” Rating: 2 star “Author gets 2 stars because he refuses to finish the f**king series!!!” He is a poor man’s Tolkien in my book. He allowed HBO to ruin the ending. He deserves 5 star but I’m waiting until he finishes GOT series!!! His avid fan base is losing patience! J. R. R. Tolkien - Fantasy - “The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings” series. No one can match this series which revitalized the fantasy genre!! Rating: 5 star “The world was invested in this tale of the small but mighty Hobbits and their champions. I’ve re-read these books 3 times.” Tolkien was made of magic! J. K. Rowling – Fantasy - “Harry Potter” series. My favorite children’s book series. I’m glad I read it as an adult. It would have given me nightmares as a child. Rating: 5 star “An industry of fantasy for every child – even the child at heart.” We want more!!! As I look at my list of favorites – I’ve decided that I’m going to change my moniker to – C. L. McIntosh. Apparently using your initials helps make you a credible and famous author! I hope you like my list of books – in all genre’s. There are so many other authors that I love and will ravenously read everything they’ve written. I couldn’t list everyone, or this blog would never end. Maybe I’ll do a Part 2! It’s always fun to hear what people are reading. My house has bookshelves in every room – even the laundry. My iPad is stuffed with eBooks. Literacy is vital to growth and opening yourself up to other worlds and universes – and should be available to everyone. Banning books is a crime against humanity and legally should be treated as such. Only cowards ban books. Maybe I should have written a romance novel instead of my menopausal and aging journey. But, I feel that both genres - romance and humorous harsh reality - deserve our attention. They both serve a purpose and merit consideration in navigating the female psyche. We need support in our visions of a perfect relationship and easy transition into our change of life. Having dreams of any kind are vital to our existence. No one can banish our imaginations and dreams. Or if they try to - just kick them in the balls! I should write a romance novel for menopausal women! I think we'd all agree that being seen and heard is SEXY!!!! BTW - I do have romance in my life. Ed and I always hold hands wherever we go. My neighbors - gal pals - all comment how sweet we look when walking the dog - old people holding hands. Little do they know - the main reason for Ed and I holding hands is to prevent me from doing a face plant again. I guess you could consider that as a romantic gesture - saving my dignity and my face. I would love to hear what you are reading and your favorite books of all time. Discovering new authors is a treasure for the mind and soul. A fantastic source to find your next favorite author is Good Reads. A site that champions authors and a platform to connect with your favorite ones. I’d love to answer any questions you might have on my Good Reads author page. Reviews are welcome! Check me out! I wanted to update you on the progress of my recent cataract surgery. If you read my last blog – I shared all the details of pre/surgery/post up to the week following my second eye surgery. I improve daily and still amazed at how bright the world is and how vibrant the colors. I stared at our gas stove flame for 10 minutes this morning – the color was hypnotic! I wiggle like a child anticipating something special – when I read subtitles on the TV. Last night Ed said, “I’m so proud of you.” I responded like a baby who says their first word and beams at their parents’ reaction of wonderment. I can’t let go of glasses and not sure I ever will. I’ve already picked out some frames at Warby Parker. I’ll use my new prescription to get fun readers or whatever my new eyes need. I must have something on my face – other than wrinkles and age spots. I’m not ready to plunge back into the world of make-up. BTW – like the Freshman 15 (weight gain) – I’m now suffering the Cataract 5. I was comfort snacking for 2 weeks while binging shows. At least I’ve been given the go-ahead to work out again. OCD Cleaning Tip 8 - Butcher Block Conditioner - Murphy Soap is a great daily cleaner for your butcher blocks and cutting boards – but Butcher Block Conditioner is the essential cleaner/oil/wax that protects and maintains all your wooden items. Apply and let soak for an hour or more to recondition your wood. You’ll be amazed at how it reveals its original beauty. Just like new! Maybe I'll slap some on my face for a couple hours to revitalize my time-worn mug and restore its previous youthful glow. "There are countless books competing for readers' attention, which is why the power and importance of book reviews cannot be overstated. They serve as gateways to a book's world. And offer potential readers insight into what they can expect. Plus, book reviews are crucial for discoverability, marketing, and boosting sales, especially for indie authors." By Barnes & Noble Press/Blog I would love to get some reviews posted by the wonderful people who purchased or were gifted my book. If you could take a moment and post a review on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Good Reads, Bookbaby Bookshop &/or your social media platforms - I would be ever so humbled and grateful. Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!! Remember – Women Ignite and Women Unite! Thanks for taking the time to read my book and my blog. Tell all your friends, family and strangers! Let’s be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

I convinced (forced) myself to be more light-hearted this past holiday and not such a “Humbugger.” All sorts of unfortunate events occurred on my lovely little street which tested our holiday spirit. We were all concerned and checking in with each other hoping to give comfort. Surreal start to the holiday and 2024. My husband got a severe flu/cold right after Xmas and was down for the count. He didn’t test positive for Covid but I believe he had RSV. Self-diagnosing via The Google is like giving a toddler a scalpel and trusting they can perform your surgery without incident! But he had all the RSV severe symptoms. Fortunately, I’d had all my shots/boosters and only got a low-grade version – which was helpful since I was the primary care giver. I started wearing a mask in public places prior to the holiday frenzy and am glad I did. For the last couple years, Ed and I have been going out to eat for the holidays rather than cooking the expensive time-consuming massive meals for two. Once Ed got sick – he didn’t eat for a few days and the only thing that remotely got him interested was the traditional Thanksgiving meal that I emphatically refused to make – but I ended up doing the whole she-bang and the whole she-bird anyway – just to get food in my very sick hubby-tummy! I broke my own rule. Hence, my title “Sneeze the Day!” Seems appropriate and a great way to ring (sneeze) in the new year – feeling like crap, lounging in jammies, wrapped in blankets with remote in hand and placing boxes of tissue in every room!!! We had leftovers for days! Another item on my agenda in 2024 – besides getting the flu out of the way - is scheduling my CATARACT SURGERY (capital letters are required for this terrifying procedure!!). Even though I get a shiver down my spine just typing these words I decided to rip the Band-Aid (cloudy old lady eyeball lens) off and do it asap. It also covers a few doctor appointments in one fell swoop – eye doctor, physical exam for pre-op which includes blood work and EKG and then the infamous surgery. Since I just joined Medicare around the holidays –I haven’t selected a PCP – so I went to Patient First for the exam. BTW – I’ll probably do a blog on my cataract surgery and post-op recovery – as I’m sure it will involve some awkward hilarious material! I’ve already blogged about my historically bizarre doctor appointments (Parts 1 and 2) and this exam proves my record remains unbroken. When the woman came in to give me an EKG I was laid out on the slab in my easy-access Johnny gown (feminine translation - Jenny gown) - wide open and waiting for the stake - imagining that this would be the death-blow heart test results – because every doctor appointment makes me feel like it might be my last. As she was placing stickers all over my chest, ribcage, legs, etc., I happened to glance over and noticed that the curtain wasn’t pulled shut. As I watched people walk by - I very politely said, “Do you mind closing the curtain? I’d hate to see myself like this on social media. Not very pretty. I wore a hat today and have “Hat-Head.” She laughed because my saggy boobs were hanging out for all to see – my right one was pointing at the open curtain - daring a passerby to take a picture. In other words, no one would have cared about my Hat-Head (only said for sarcasm). Actually, no one seemed to care about my sagging boobs either??? She closed the curtain anyway. BTW - my heart is still beating. I also seem to have issues getting my blood pressure taken properly. I’m either dying or dead. The first BP had me dying – so the doctor redid it because she didn’t believe the results. She started rambling on about BP Cuffs (the armband device that they pump up and squeeze the crap out of your upper arm and then very slowly deflate). Apparently, the initial results were askew because they used an adult cuff. So, my doctor pulled out the child cuff to perform the death knell. Another pattern that keeps emerging - I have sub-par grownup body parts – head and now arms. I also may have hyper-tension as a result of these multiple BP readings – which doesn’t surprise me one bit. With my OCD and tendency to expect the worst – I’m a Blood Pressure Monitoring Nightmare! One thing that will remain constant is my OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Just trying to control my internal and external chaos! I continue to embrace the obsessive compulsive order in 2024! Let’s look at this disorder in an orderly manner, shall we? Anyone who’s teased about their precision methodologies (OCD directives we must adhere to) must constantly justify their affinity for order. Below is the way I look at the definition of my OCD - which I do not consider a mental or behavioral issue!!! Obsessive = Optional Compulsive = Controllable Disorder = Design I’m choosing to control my objectives by minimizing the chaos within my sphere of influence – exclusively my home and myself. If it happens to affect those nearby – tough titties you anarchists! When you look up this condition for the medical interpretation – these compulsions are detrimental if they cause you distress. What causes me more stress is someone (Ed) telling me I’m a lunatic and gets in my way when I’m introducing order and harmony in my tiny bubble! I don’t consider myself OCD in the clinical sense (you be the judge), but I am persnickety about balance within my petit head/brain. I push back when my edicts are not respected. I get quite huffy when I’m not taken seriously. It took Ed 25 years to relax a little when I’m putting my placemats in each corner – precision alignment and symmetrical to the linear lines on the dining room table. Ed will sometimes mess with my head. If we're standing at the dining room table – I will occasionally (often) recheck and realign the placemats while chatting. I’m not aware that I’m doing this until Ed casually moves one of the placemats off center. Without missing a beat – I’ll fix it. He’ll move it. I’ll fix it. And so on! The conversation never lags until I finally blurt out, “Stop moving the f**king placemat ED!!!!” He laughs and moves it again. I am always the last person to bed – so I sneak in the dining room and put my placemats in order prior to our nighty-night – hence winning this ongoing battle. Another pattern in my little household and relationship – is that Ed doesn’t realize he’s OCD about bugging the snot out of me!!! He can’t change my eccentricities/foibles (love that word - foibles – sounds like a cute and cuddly Star Trek infiltrator – populating my psyche with mind control in the guise of adorable deception) , but he can tease and torture!!! Driving me crazy is Ed’s OCD! I have a fairly strict daily routine. It adjusts every couple decade’s depending on pets, work, husband (Ed) or what life throws at me. I’m sure most everyone has their own daily routines without even thinking that they are a bit OCD in this regularity – especially if you have pets. Dogs and cats are very much routine focused. Primarily food driven – but if I so much as go left rather than my predicted right – they are confused by my aberrant behavior. They don’t like it one bit – especially my cat who verbally protests with emphatic meows, “How dare my bipedal primate change course. It is time for my parental unit to use those opposable thumbs and open “Her Royal Highness's” can of food!!!” The routine continues with cleaning Her Majesty’s toilet and refreshing her bowl of cat niblets. I must follow her to the royal utility sink and release water from the tap for her to lap and wash her paws. After breaking her fast and bath - I remove her damp majestic chubby body and carry the queen upstairs for a tour of her realm. As she does her inspection, she waves (sneers) at her royal minions (my dog Tate). I then deposit her 10lb. (feels like 50lbs.) imposing bulk onto to the couch – but not before she releases her polished sharp claws from my shoulder. Queen Rey then slithers up to her Royal Consort (Ed) to snuggle and purr! My OCD maintains a clean and tidy home, health/exercise regimen, happy dog, long-suffering cat, writing routine, etc., keeping the household and its occupants fed, clothed, entertained and content. The only thing I seem to fall flat on is fulfilling all my husband’s needs and desires – like wearing a French maid outfit while I clean – including 6” heels. For some reason I have a memory lapse when it comes to “Cosplay” for my partner. Those days are long gone – unless I can find comfortable dominatrix garb. I won’t bore you with all my routine(s) but will share examples of being tripped up by outside forces. I’ll also mention the “clinically” defined OCD attributes that silently make me a little nervous that I may need medication and years of therapy! 1.    Refrigerator Reminder: When Ed and I moved into our current home – I was over-dosing on my OCD because we got married on a weekend in Las Vegas, sold our row house in a day, found this home the next day and moved in a couple weeks later with no time to think, prep or pack. I’m exaggerating but not by much!! I didn’t come down from that trauma for a few months and pushed too many of Ed’s impatience buttons – which resulted in his writing this note and slapping it on the fridge. He told me I could never take it down. So, this 26-year-old note remains to this day and a reminder that I am not entirely mentally sound! 2.   Pillow Police: Many years ago – my sister and her kids were visiting. I go into overdrive when company comes – whether it’s for an evening or a week – I become Super Hostess (in my mind)!! The itinerary is planned, the house is spotless and the fridge is well stocked. We had a wonderful time (I think) and eventually they had to leave (escape). I went to work that morning and told Bridget to lock the door when they left. I was quite sad that I would come home to silence. Ed was working out of town. As I unlocked the front door – I entered to find a pink monolith in the middle of the living room. My pink couch had 8 pink pillows and those big fluffy couch accessories made up this perfectly stacked practical-joke-on-me. I was frozen in fear, panic and admiration. I feared someone – a malicious slob - had broken in to cause me pain and anguish. Then that pain turned to panic - that the malicious slob - was still in my home. Then I laughed out loud that my sister was so astute to leave me this prank before she left. I admired her genius and loved her levity – because apparently - I am NOT easy to visit!!! When I called her to congratulate her novel jest – she said the following, “Colleen, do you know that every time one of us got up from your couch – you would get up and come over to the couch, while talking, and fix the pillows before they came back. You did it our entire visit. Also, if we set our glass down on your coffee table – a coaster would appear magically before the glass even hit the table. Then, when we finished our beverage – you would whisk away that glass before it even hit the coaster.” Apparently, I’d secretly been a topic of concern all week between my sister and her kids. I was unaware of my OCD idiosyncrasies and my company was anxious and amused! It was an epic tease and a reminder that my quirks can be unsettling to those that are comfortable in their own skin and cluttered environment. 3.   Cataract Negotiations: I do need reassurance (way too much) when planning or making big decisions - like cataract surgery. My doctor listed out the post-op “Do Nots” which made my heart do a little pitter-patter of concern. I asked, “Well what about exercise? I work out five days a week.” He said, “No bending over (90° bend from waist) for at least one week or until you are healed. For both eye surgeries.” I must have looked panicked because he then patiently asked, “What kind of work out do you do?” I said, “Pilates and Yoga.” Like that must be an exception to the rule! He said, “When you do these exercises – do you bend over?” We stared at each other for a long pause and I whispered, “Yes.” He then smugly said, “Then don’t do it!” I was pretty pissed that he cleverly outwitted me and that now I couldn’t ask about cleaning!!! After my appointment I started counting how many times I bent over from the waist and stopped at 52 bends because it was only 10am (I'd been home an hour.) I’ve done a ton of research on cataract surgery options, lens, pre/post guidelines, statistics of recovery and success rates, etc. etc., ad nauseum! I will be paying out of pocket for the enhanced Toric lens surgery because they made me watch a video of the procedure – manual vs. laser. After the video I told the doctor, “I’ve made up my mind to do laser surgery and will (gladly) pay for it out of pocket – because you made me watch a horror movie about manually cutting my eyeballs!!!” He said, “Horror movie?” Sweating, I said, “Have you watched that video!!!” We also talked about anesthesia for this procedure since I’d also heard a few nightmare stories of people being totally awake during this “A Clockwork Orange” surgery. He told me that they use a twilight anesthetic, but I would be aware and able to see and hear while they worked. I said, “Does anyone choose to be unaware?” He responded, “Yes – we just give you a little more juice!” Bring On The Juice!!! My defected eyeballs will have surgery in a couple weeks – one week apart. I will have to get out the restraints and have Ed hide the key for about a month. He’ll have to clean up my cage and hand feed me with gloves. This will not be pretty. Here’s a snippet from my book – Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!! Chapter 17 – Positive Changes (OCD can be positive!!) Cleaning—I am somewhat OCD (that means a lot) with the cleaning thing and maintaining a daily routine. Certain days are devoted to certain cleaning chores (although I hate using the word chore because it is not a burden to me). Everything must be in its place and neat and tidy—in case someone unexpectedly drops by. Of course, I have no friends or family nearby—so that is a bit far-fetched. I never said I was sane. In my defense—cleaning is something I have control over and it makes me feel calm, content and harmonious with my tiny universe. After every full house cleaning, I have achieved Feng Shui. Not everyone’s bag of fun, but it is gratifying!! Below are shorter snippets of my OCD behavioral issues – because if I truly wanted to go into depth – this Blog would be a “Bog of TMI” and a 1000-page novel/treatise! A.  I am a note taker of grand proportions. I mention it a couple times in my book – because I’ve been writing notes since I was able to hold a crayon. The Saint (mother) who bore me had the pleasure of receiving my daily notes (demands). I’m saving this particular eccentricity for my next book. I’ll be dedicating it to my mom – in the hopes that she might forgive my years of harassment! B.   "Hugs wrinkle!" One of my tee-shirt quotes and a phrase I’ve said to my husband many times. Don’t get me wrong – I love hugs!!! But, not when I’ve donned a freshly ironed top! I hang dry 80% of my clothes – so they all need a good ironing. Little note – drying clothes will reduce their life span. Did I mention that I love to iron!!! I did it today! One of the most satisfying chores (pleasures) on my to-do list. It’s a dying art form - but not in my household. I love picking out a new iron – tons of research!! C.   Getting a spot/stain on your clothes at the beginning of the workday – will destroy me!! I’m sure we’ve all worn that white shirt to work – knowing it was a big mistake. It’s like a magnet for coffee or any red-colored food. It’s also inevitable if wearing that smear-magnet. I carry an assortment of stain removal products in my bag – but I tend to spill things that aren’t listed on their labels. I’ll do my best to remove the dreaded blot but usually end up with a noticeable water stain to enhance my clumsy shame. Throughout the day, I will sneak peeks at this stigmata to see if it magically disappeared! It becomes an obsession until I can get home and remove the soiled shirt and soak it overnight to clear my mind of the day’s torture. I also can’t help pointing out my disgrace (often) so everyone knows that I am aware of my clumsiness and apologize for my disheveled appearance. D.  I do not want to know how a book or movie ends. My mother won’t read a book or see a movie unless she approves of the ending. That drives me insane! E.   I do have random “bad thoughts” that make me a bit nervous until I talk to other women and they reveal this is normal – horrible but normal. Thoughts that make you shiver with terror, disgust and remorse for even letting that thought finish it’s evil intent. F.   Ed and the water glass war. I must have an empty clean kitchen sink and countertops before I even think of going to bed. This is not a concern for Ed. Every night he leaves his glass – empty or filled – on the dining room table or kitchen counter. His theory is that it will one day save our lives and then references an M. Knight Shyamalan movie called “Signs” - about Aliens being taken down by a glass of water.  Good movie but not a good argument!!! G.   When my husband, Ed, channels his inner decorator and decides to move an object on one of our shelves - believing he knows better - or even worse - replaces it with an item of his choosing - my OCD radar locks in on the object with razor-sharp reflexes and remedies the offense. I have to throw him a bone every now and then - pretending that I am open to change. So far, he is unsuspecting. He forgets that even though my day to day memory is slipping - and my eyesight dwindling - my ability to notice tangible change in household decor is still sharp and focused. My OCD is unwavering! H. My sister and I shared a bedroom growing up. An invisible line separated our two sides of the room. Mine was always neat and tidy - with military-grade bed-making skills. My sister's was normal, cluttered and lived in. I honed my ability to slide into that perfectly made bed without a ripple of disorder. In the morning - I would then "slide out" which made for a swift smoothing of blankets and plumping of pillows. I thought this was normal and that Bridget was the nut! I continue to make my bed every morning and still slide in and out of the bed so it remains neat and tidy. When Ed and I go to bed - I slip in and arrange each layer according to my mental (psychotic) specifications while Ed looks on with silent and cautious deliberation. Once I've completed my nightly routine of settling in to read my book - Ed thrashes around and flings his (and my) blankets into a pile of disarray - just to piss me off!!! This nightly ritual is infuriating and funny at the same time. Even though I'm unbalanced - I still see humor when challenged!! Both Ed and I are OCD at night - me with order/Ed with chaos! A perfect metaphor for our happy marriage! I. I can’t stop myself from telling Ed how to drive (Backseat Driver says, "What?"). I've already blogged about this flaw (mine not his). It's not that he's a bad driver - I'm just overly cautious and a weenie!! Other drivers terrify me! J. I have a cleaning schedule that occurs over a few days - to spread the joy. When I was working 24/7 - I had to squeeze all my cleaning To-Do's into one day. Ed hated that I would clean for 8 hours rather than spend time with him. But how else was it ever getting done!!! Now, I do a couple things on Tuesday/then Wednesday/then a larger portion on Thursday. In between I always clean as I go and our home remains tidy and content. I do, however, have a die-hard rule that when I take the stove apart on Thursday and make it all shiny and new, it's - "No Stove-top Cooking Thursday!" Ed is a very good cook - but a little too enthusiastic when frying, stirring, chopping, etc. His idea of clean-up is like giving a toddler a piece of bread to wipe up the mess. K. When I visit or stay over at someone else's home - I treat it like my own. More often than not, I leave it cleaner than when I arrived. Oddly, I don't seem to get many second invitations?? Wait a minute - I also don't seem to get many visitors??? Thank god my mom loves being waited on and loves my company!!! L. The following OCD traits are the more symptomatic (troubling): I do re-check that doors are locked. I do re-check that the stove/oven is off. I do count - a lot. I do secretly rage when I am prevented from doing my routine. I do excessively worry about - What If…? This list could go on and on - but I reassure myself that I am not alone in this chronic preoccupation with control. I've commiserated with a young neighbor who mirrors my need for order. We both feel that no one in our household takes us and our feelings seriously. Being taken for granted is a debilitating and hurtful indignity. We know that we are loved - just not seen and heard. We empathize on the woes of being tidy. BTW - When we had our Xmas women's group get-together - we decided to all bring an anonymously wrapped gift. Each of us would select a wrapped package and when opened - the giver would explain why their specific gift purchase was important to them. When I randomly selected my present - it turned out to be CLEANING SUPPLIES!!! I was over-joyed and the only person in the room that gift was intended for. I loudly oohed and aahed over each product. Both the Giver and the Receiver were in sync and happy with the outcome! I have an ongoing list of T-shirt sayings that has grown over many years - one day hoping to add purchase options on my website. "Buy my Book - get a T-shirt" pitch. I love T-shirts with clever sayings!! I also considered starting up a cleaning service and came up with this logo to entice customers: OCD Cleaning Service We aim to take forever and annoy! (for anal retentive customers only) One more thing to share - is the earliest indication that I had a compulsive personality - my obsession with the kitchen flour bin!!! Back in olden times - kitchens had large bins filled with flour - because women baked their own bread and with 5 kids - used a ton of flour!! I loved to play in it and eat it. This is just one of many images of me eating and playing with flour - while contaminating about 100 lb. of the precious gold! I did it over and over again! I can't seem to find the image of me head-first in the bin - good times! I may take a break next month from writing my blog due to cataract surgery. I'm not sure I can write coherently and with humor - using only one eye - at a time. Have compassion for your aging foibles!! Own it and forgive yourself for being you. Because “You” have an important part to play in this wacky world. The universe needs you because you make it a better place! I need your help - I need reviews!!! I am continuing to have issues with the powers-that-be! If you have purchased my book and read it - writing a review is one of the most helpful things you can do for an author. I'll be candid - I need feedback. Getting reviews helps boost credibility on book sites - Amazon, Barnes & Noble, BookBaby Bookshop, Goodreads, etc. They are the forces that drive book rankings - so if you have good reviews then you sell more books and get higher ratings. I'm not saying it's a perfect system - but reviews do help. Positive reviews are even more helpful!!! I didn’t do well in pre-sales, so I have become invisible and unworthy for them to stock my paperback book (except for BookBaby Bookshop). The story of my life as an aging woman - irrelevant! If you could do me a big favor and write me a review that would be so helpful and so appreciated. They have rules about accepting and acknowledging reviews. They frown on family members writing reviews because they consider them bias. Also, mentioning that you know me is considered a bias. For example: I have two reviews on Amazon that have a special acknowledgment of "Verified Purchase" or "VINE Voice" which means that my book was purchased by a trusted reader and through Amazon Retail. It's somewhat of a Catch 22 - but them's the rules! If you got my book as a gift - then I think that would be fine - especially if you list out who purchased it on Amazon for you. I'm kind of making this up as I go - because I'm new to this rat race! Hopefully, if you purchased my book and have read it - you can give me a favorable review? But, please be honest! They say, "There's no such thing as bad publicity!" I haven't figured out this book publishing and retail madness. Amazon was selling my paperback book - then they weren't. I check these sites daily and one day I saw that Amazon was selling my book for $24.32??? I emailed them and they told me to contact my third party publisher - BookBaby. I contacted BookBaby and they tell me to reach out to Amazon. Barnes and Noble wasn't carrying my paperback book throughout the holidays and now they are - but say they only have 1 copy??? There's a good book to write - "The Mystery of the Book that Was, then Wasn't, then Was, then Wasn't!" I am caught between a massive rock and a stubborn hard place!Th Cleaning Tip #5 - I have a Hand-carved Wood Japanese Screen that needs to be oiled once a year - which takes a couple days to complete. You need to carefully clean it with a soft brush to remove dust and particles. Then you need a drop cloth, a set of small (paint) brushes in varying sizes, a bunch of soft cloths and Old English nourishing oil. I set it all up in the living room and put on some good TV or music and hand minutia paint on the oil over every part of the 4 panel screen. I have to get into every crevice and hand-carved design. It is so detailed - but once you've finished refreshing the wood - it glows!!!! Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are my Super Hero’s!!! My sister, Bridget, ended an email to me with a fantastic tag line - Women Ignite and Women Unite. I would love to chat with you about igniting and uniting about menopause or aging or anything you feel like getting off your chest. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without censure or interruption! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Embrace Obsessive Order in 2024!!! Let's be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

"Whatever Happened To Baby Jane" was one of my favorite movies - I was a huge Bette Davis fan. (Thank you Bette for "All About Eve.") She was the Queen of BadAss! Her co-star, Joan Crawford, made for a delicious team of crazy-ass b**ch-fest for this black comedy. (Thank you Joan Crawford for the biographical movie "Mommie Dearest." Best Mother's Day movie ever!!!) I fondly remember relating to Baby Jane's psychotic plight during my menopausal odyssey. I felt a kinship with her - similar mental health issues, make-up catastrophes and homicidal inclinations - but no creepy dolls were ever made in my own image. Thank god I worshiped my sister and only inflicted emotional torment periodically. I can guarantee you that Baby Jane had one hell-of-a menopausal journey!!! Another satirical black comedy film that was mis-labeled is "Death Becomes Her." Two hormone-challenged women desperately and tragically holding on to their youth no matter the cost. I certainly relate to this movie. As a result of menopause - I frequently have a look of confusion and desperation - cursing my hormones for abandoning me to this cruel facial fate. I'd put "Thelma and Louise" into this mix - but consider them Perimenopausal. They took a different route and decided to go out in a "blaze" of glory before they completely deteriorated. Three must-see movies for any woman entering The Menopause. There are many words in the English language (specifically American) that are downright confusing! One word can have many different meanings and contexts – sometimes as opposites. For example: the word “Mental!” Merriam-Webster: 1. Of or relating to the mind Of or relating to intellectual as contrasted with emotional activity Occurring or experienced in the mind – inner Synonyms – cerebral, intellectual, reasoning, quick-witted 2.   Relating to or affected by a psychiatric disorder Mentally unsound – mad/crazy Of or relating to telepathic or mind-reading powers Synonyms – psychotic, maniacal, insane, loony tunes Mental means – sane and insane. I suppose there is often a fine line we walk! I've been known to teeter-totter between the two. As I write this blog – my mind is awash with menopausal incidents/memories of being coherent and mindful one minute and then – BOOM! – screaming inside and wishing I could scream out loud for all to hear! I believe I may have slipped and vocalized a few times. Happy thoughts can turn in the blink of an eye if someone looks at you the wrong way. Singing in the car one minute and then rage-filled flipping of the proverbial bird seconds later at the idiot who just cut you off. We are creatures of our emotional heritage and environments at any given time. A lifetime of hurts and baggage that never goes away – but buries itself until needed (or not needed). Life is an emotional roller coaster which plays out in a loop-the-loop of mixed and deep-seated emotions (Speaking of roller coasters - I'm specifically referring to the one Ed and I rode in Williamsburg VA – Busch Gardens - called Alpengeist – absolutely terrifying). When your Period ends in a trickle and your Hormones decide to pack up and move - this is the beginning of your menopause and change of life. "Without balanced hormones - we are just hairy eunuchs with sagging boobs and an attitude!" (an excerpt from my book - Chapter 5 - Hormones: Or lack thereof...) Here's another snippet from my book - Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! - Chapter 3 - Mood Swings: Hide The Knives! Often forced to be boring and professionally anemic—squelching all my natural vivacity one minute—then—Boom!!! The mood swing strikes and:d how long I’d been working—my rep I’m dancing like Lord of the Dance for all attendees . . . or I get deathly quiet and my blood-red beady blue eyes are just slits of pure disgust—praying that I can kill you with a wink and a prayer . . . or Burst into tears. Fun times!!! At this point in menopause—when asked how long I’d been working—my reply was, “I’m 105 in Job Years!” Got a laugh every time. When you experience The Menopause and begin the descent into (older) aging – your mental capacity to cope becomes traitorous and challenges your ability to think clearly and then hold on to that tenuous “Clear Thought.” You struggle to articulate your feelings and question your sanity. It affects each woman differently – but I know that my memory/ability to remain mentally sound – was affected by my change of life. Now my mental glitches are referred to as “Senior Moments!” This term deflates the seriousness of your concerns. Just like Menopause - it's not considered a "Real Health Issue." (Thank you menopause and age-biased society) Below is another snippet from my book - Chapter 6 - Memory Loss: Huh? Does lactose intolerance have anything to do with the “Brain Fart” phenomenon? Apparently, I’m lactose intolerant! This chapter is hard to explain—because I keep forgetting what I wanted to say. Let’s put it in easy terms. Your memory sucks! Post-it notes are your friends. You become proficient at pretending that you remember. Just nod in what you think are the appropriate moments. You could also do the following when you can’t remember a commonplace word—just say, “What was that British word?” It sounds smarter. I believe my Senior Moments began in earnest when I turned 60. Most of us can remember when we were 30 years-old and considered anyone in the Sixth Decade – as ancient! Your organic brain-matter becomes addled and untrustworthy. Often, I’ll relate a story from my past and immediately be challenged to its authenticity. I’ve given up explaining and justifying my version. I prefer to hold on to that truth and believe in its genuineness to my last dying breath. F**k You and your sanctimonious criticism. I’m going to go down my own memory lane with my head held high and hope I don’t trip. For example – jotting down my stories and musings (like this blog) can be arduous. Remembering “words” are often problematic (I just looked up the synonyms for challenging and came up with problematic.) It’s okay to get help. I always learn something new or forgotten. We all expect to have memory-slippage as we hit certain birthday humps – but what used to be kind of cute when you walked into a room and stood with a look of befuddlement on your wrinkle-free adorable face – becomes a look of ghastly realization that you may have dementia and a reminder your face is slowly sagging below your chin line and way past the cute phase! The menopausal and aging memory lapses and cover-ups have gradually increased over the years. Dementia runs in my family and never far from my fragile mind when I can’t find my phone – again!!! I’m getting tired of asking Ed to call me when he’s in the next room. When Ed starts talking about something that he clearly has already mentioned to me – my head frantically spins in a circle trying to find that memory bank filled with useless information that Ed wants me to recall. I don’t always find it – but I’ve gotten pretty good at responding with a couple good grunts and head nods that usually suffice. I can talk Primate pretty well. I get upset when I select a movie to watch with Ed and he reminds me that we saw it in the theatre. That’s a hard one to fake. I guess one positive that comes with selective memory loss is that I’ll be able to read all my favorite books repeatedly and save lots of money as well. The effects that menopause has on our mental health is a scary and grave issue that needs addressing in the medical community. Hormone and memory loss are symptoms of Menopause – which is also the beginning of our body and mind aging - into a challenging healthcare phase. This can also lead to depression, paranoia, sleeplessness, disease, weight gain, anger, etc. Getting therapy is an inevitable key to navigating these changes. Getting cognitive tests to make sure it’s not a worse case scenario. Taking daily supplements to combat other issues occurring as a result of your concerns. Exercise is one of the best ways to get your hippocampus in shape and can benefit and improve many other issues. There is no magic pill - and thank god they no longer lobotomize "hysterical" women (I think??). No one wants to be considered "Bonkers!" I speak from a lay-woman's point of view - not as a medical professional. However, I am skilled when it comes to Menopause - experienced in the art (agony) of change - and hope I can give a voice to those who suffer in silence. Sleep is also vital for maintaining a healthy brain. This one is tough for me because I've never been proficient at - Sleep! Chapter 4 - Sleeplessness: Sleepus Interruptus As I’ve already mentioned—I don’t sleep well. Since my childhood obsession with horror films and then hanging their movie posters on my bedroom wall thinking that was a good idea—to my adulthood anxiety over my every waking decision—sleep became my Sasquatch. Out of focus glimpses of a mythical “blissful night of sleep.” I’m too anxious and hyper a person to ever relax totally. Meditation helps—but apparently, drugs would help more. During this delightful period (there’s that word again—Period!) of menopause—sleep was just angry. They should have called this, “Eight Hours (or in my case—Four Hours) of Tossing Disruptive Night Terrors in the Deep Blue Sweaty Sea!” My personal Moby Dick. Hormone deficiency, mood swings, memory loss and sleeplessness were all manifestations of my menopause. I feel that humor is essential in maintaining balance and sanity. My biggest fear is losing my sense of humor. I’ve recently learned about the National Menopause Foundation and The Menopause Research and Equity Act of 2023/Women’s Midlife Health Policy Institution Summit. What a wonderful, informative and inspirational organization. Thanks to my dear sweet friend Marie, I had the pleasure of meeting the founder, Claire Gill. It was like meeting a rock star! I was in awe of Claire’s conviction to helping women with their menopause metamorphosis. I can’t believe that I didn’t know about this advocacy community which educates women (and hopefully men) about menopause and aging. I’m humbled and embarrassed I just found this organization but relieved that I have a safe space to go and post my own menopause experiences plus correspond with so many women about theirs. We are a Sisterhood of Change. Women entering “The Menopause” quickly realize the inequities that come with entering this phase of “Growing Older” and aging out of youth and relevancy by societies standards. The National Menopause Foundation was created with the commitment to encourage us that we are strong and vital to ourselves and our communities – as well as – alleviate our fears that we are no longer useful - but that growing older can be powerful. With wisdom comes great responsibility! As I like to say, “Just because you’re educated, doesn’t mean you’re smart!!” (another Colleen Tee-shirt quote) So many people have limited knowledge of menopause and how it affects women's mental health. As a result of this ignorance menopausal women often feel dehumanized, irrelevant and invisible. So we all need to be smart and support every woman facing the next phase in life. My admiration for women has grown exponentially as I've aged. We are a force of mother nature - and a force to be reckoned with. We are the stronger species - giving birth/life and then undergo the reverse which is menopause. Men have "Mid-life Crises." There solution is buying a Harley or 20-year-old sex-kitten. Women start foundations, write books and change the world. What is the Mission of the National Menopause Foundation: "Create a positive change in how people perceive, understand and experience Menopause through education, peer-to-peer support, activism and research." https://nationalmenopausefoundation.org I highly recommend that every woman sign up at the NMF - whatever age - to learn about menopause and support each other in navigating this change of life and living to the fullest. I’m keeping this blog shorter because I will have Cataract Surgery in a couple days and my other eye a week later. I’ve already ordered my “Pirate Eye Patch” to amuse Ed and myself while I convalesce. I plan on doing a post on this Senior procedure with lots of pictures!! Ignore the old woman you see in the photos – that’s not me! I’ve decided that I will no longer call my memory fumbles – Senior Moments. I will now refer to them as “Brain Farts” (gray matter lactose intolerance). To cure them, I'll just cut out cheese! I don’t want to become a Knock-Knock Joke: Knock Knock… Who’s there? Menopausal Colleen… Menopausal Colleen who? …………. Ah, what's Menopause and who’s Colleen? Let’s end on a couple of my Tee-shirt Quotes that always make me laugh: “I Need to Find Joy in My Life! I don’t know where she lives, but I’m going to hunt that b**ch down!!!” “Don’t mistake being Silly for being Stupid!” “Has anyone seen my sense of humor? I seem to have misplaced it!!” OCD Cleaning Tip #6 - My dad turned me onto this Glass Cleaner many years ago. He went on and on about how wonderful it was - which spurred me on to test its proficiency. My dad claimed that a truck driver told him that he carried this product with him on his runs to clean his semi's windows and mirrors. I immediately cleaned all dad's windows - amazed at how squeaky clean they became. My dad, of course, sat there smugly chuckling to himself that he got his windows cleaned thanks to my gullible OCD nature. I highly recommend this product! Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are forever my Super Hero’s!!! My sister, Bridget, ended an email to me with a fantastic tag line - Women Ignite and Women Unite. I would love to chat with you about igniting and uniting about menopause or aging or anything you feel like getting off your chest. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without censure or interruption! I would really appreciate reviews of my book on whichever site you purchased it on - even if it was a gift. It's very helpful and gives me credibility - and maybe they'll start selling my soft cover book again. Otherwise, I'm just a hamster on the wheel of book retailer life! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Tell all your friends and family! Let's be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

Marketing my Book is really HAAAAARD!!! Publishing my book, marketing my book and myself is like a Naked 64-year-old Menopausal in Headlights! You can never un-see that image! My soft cover book and my eBook are on Pre-Sale in all the big retail bookstores – launch date 11/21/23. Coming up really soon - in time for the holiday shopping!! Fantastic!!! But now comes yet another hurdle – marketing my book and myself. First, let’s start with some fun facts about publishing my book and the massive learning curve. Olympic hurdles I never anticipated. I have already mentioned the decades of journaling about my menopause and aging woes. I began seriously writing my first book at 63. As I meditated on this adventure, the following phrase popped up often – “What was I f**king thinking!!!!” Finding a publisher/agent quickly turned into, “I don’t have that many years left – so let’s research self-publishing companies – and do it myself!” It took a very long time to find the right fit. I researched my ass off. I eventually selected Bookbaby. The euphoria of seeing my dream come true and the life-sapping lows when I feared it wasn’t possible kept me up at night. It was labor intensive and became my new full-time job. The pressure of reinventing myself again – a woman of my age - discovering how little tech knowledge I possessed (lacked) - was daunting. Up to this point in time, social media was only a venue for keeping in touch with family and friends – not marketing my book and myself!! I experienced total Analysis Paralysis! I am a Baby Boomer – that pariah of generation tropes. I envy the Millennials, Gen-Xers, etc. because they are used to information overload. Their brains are genetically predisposed to sifting out overwhelming quantities of data every moment of every day. My 11-month-old great-niece showed me things on my iPhone and iWatch that I had no idea existed. I know a lot of Boomers (myself included) who have a finite amount that we can comprehend without curling into a womb-like position crying for our mommy. This is how I felt about publishing and marketing my book during my lows. I wanted my mommy and daddy to make the boomer-boogieman go away. So, like all women do, we pull up our big-girl panties and persevere. I’m not that stupid and realized that asking questions is also not stupid. So, I asked a lot of questions. The self-publishing company I worked with was very helpful, patient and always available. I really appreciated all the people I worked with at BookBaby. Especially Christina Ellis, who always called or emailed with answers or directed me to the right person. I like to think we became friends. I quickly realized that I was the creative director on all the stages of publishing. It was an education on how hard it is to publish a book. I’ve got a new appreciation for this industry and all the people who work in it – from writers to publishers to distributers to readers. I look at books so differently now. Not only do I avidly read for pleasure, but I scrutinize the entire book. I study the cover and choices the author and publisher made. I look at every page with new insight. I reflect on their choice of font and each title page – their dedication, author bio, sentence structure, choice of phrase – on and on while being absorbed into the author’s narrative. It has changed the way I read. Crazy and wonderful at the same time. A couple examples of creative decisions were selecting the fonts for my book. It’s not as simple as you think. They suggest you look at other authors in your genre (humor) and study their choice of font, cover design, layout, etc. I pulled one from my bathroom that I think is funny and about a topic near and dear to my heart called – “What’s Your Poo Telling You?” by Josh Richman and Anish Sheth, M.D. Obviously perfect toilet reading! Also, there are similarities between Poop and Menopause – inevitable but rarely discussed publicly. I selected Cooper Black for my title fonts. It evokes humor despite the serious topic. I also liked that they used cartoon illustrations like I chose to do. This poop book was my guide as I made publishing decisions. I write in my book about doing my own illustrations. Artistic qualified family can be harsh! After much encouragement from my husband, niece and sister my avatar appeared before me and I followed her design throughout each chapter (as best I could - not being a professional graphic artist). The cover was going to be my “Mood Swing” image - but morphed into something more appropriate to my subject matter. I’m a King Kong fan and one day it popped in my head that my menopausal avatar rampaging on the Empire State Building was a very appropriate book cover. I immediately drew the image and made my husband laugh out loud which solidified my decision! Queen Congleen should be a menopausal movie! Hormonally challenged woman destroys Manhattan – metaphorically speaking. BTW – adding illustrations and captions is, once again, not as easy as one would think. That particular segment of my book publishing journey involved many proof rejections before they got it right. I can’t even talk about the eBook version. eBooks are not illustration/caption friendly. I also felt passionate about adding blank pages at the end of my book for my readers to journal about their own menopause stories. It was not easy convincing them that this was a good idea. Unfortunately, the eBook once again was unable to accommodate some of my requests. I should write a book about writing a book!!! A great example of one of my book proof corrections was for Chapter 14 Inner Plumbing. I asked them to move the “Farts” section up to the top of page 45 which would then allow them to move the “Poops” section to the top of page 46. Even I laughed out loud how absurd this sounded and hope I made the “Wacky Proof Corrections” wall of fame!! As you can see - my illustration for this chapter says it all!! I had only a nano-second of embarrassment before realizing that Menopause is a messy topic – so everyone should just deal with it!! My illustrations needed photoshopping to meet publishing specs. I was not qualified to do this. I found out at my women’s group that my neighbor’s husband could help me out with the corrections. So, I ran with it and we set up time for him to come over to look at the project. I spread out all my very personal drawings to explain what I needed him to do without considering the fact that we’d never met. As I showed him the horizontal image of my spread legs with a tumbling tumbleweed bounding happily along – I began describing what this image represented – which was my “Dried Up Old Bush.” I slowly turned my head to him and he very calmly (without expression) said, “I get it.” I kept on talking as if this wasn’t awkward at all. After that image, the others seemed pale in comparison. Now back to the main topic - Marketing My Book is Hard! Bending over forwards to sell my book (yes, I meant to say forwards) was never my intent. Menopause is such a "HOT" topic right now, you'd think marketing would be easy!! I knew I’d have to market my book and myself – but at 64 (already signed up for Medicare) – I became overwhelmed at how to sell my book and more importantly sell myself! One of the problems in our current world – is being proficient in technology and also be relevant. Meaning, that marketing is no longer going door to door or writing letters – but having 1 million followers on a social platform. My tiny head hurts from all the pressure and the “paralysis analysis.” I’m expected to learn everything a 25-year-old grew up intuitively knowing and expected to learn it fast. I also don’t have tons of expendable income to hire someone else to do it for me. A Catch 22. So, to be a successful author, you must be able to market yourself. But you need to know how to market yourself, to be a successful author. Makes me very tired! The rage of Queen Conglleen is real. Haven’t we all just wanted to climb that Empire State Building and beat our chests with the unfairness of it all!! Well, that’s how I feel about marketing my book – Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! Everyone I talk to has wonderful advice, but it’s information I already know. The “HOW” is what I’m concerned about. Please someone tell me how I reach the famous people – actresses and influencers – for example: Jamie Lee Curtis (sent her a message) Naomi Watts (sent her a message) Michelle Obama Drew Barrymore Show (sent her a message) Kelly Clarkson Show Oprah Winfrey – The Life You Want – Menopause Panel ETC. I am following a lot of them on social media and trying to respond to posts in a positive way and contributing to the story – but I’m one voice out of thousands and thousands. I just don’t want to be labeled as a “menopausal stalker.” I have an innate fear of promoting myself. You'd think as an ex-actress I'd be good at this sort of thing - but I was terrified of auditioning and preforming. I used to tremble uncontrollably and sweat and feel faint until I started performing. Then I was on a roll and thrilled to be entertaining the audience. Now, doing photos or videos makes me uncomfortable. Reading aloud for a group of people makes me choke up. Does anyone like the sound of their own voice on tape? Does anyone think they look fantastic on video? I’m considering investing in anti-aging technology to cover up the turkey wattle and sagging jowls! I don’t want to look like a 12-year-old, but 50 would be fantastic!! Speaking of technology - I’m apparently a Human EMP!!! Electro Magnetic Pulse is a “wave” of radiation, like the sun or a bright flash, but on a crazy lady frequency. I bring this up because I have been known (accused) of taking down computers, websites, phones and balloons. Crazy follows me everywhere. I’ll tell you the eerie story pertaining to balloons. When I was prepping to marry my first time, I had a house full of family hanging out and under my fraught feet. We were getting married in our courtyard at our home in PA. I was planning the whole event – so I was running around project managing (OCDing) the vendors - tent, flooring, chairs, etc. while also checking in on rehearsal dinner, caterer, flower delivery, guests, hotel, musicians, Rabbi, weather, on and on checklist for the big day that should never have happened. I needed balloons for decorating some chairs and posts – so I needed a lot of balloons. I recruited my family to set up in the living room and they filled that large space with balloons – everywhere!! I ran in to check on their progress and saw my mom and mother-in-law sitting on the couch chatting away but not blowing away. As I floated through a cloud of pink and white – my mother-in-law, true to obnoxious form, starting squawking at me about nothing important but blaming me for whatever that was and I tuned her out while my fury was amassing into total meltdown. I did an about-face, ignoring her criticism and proceeded to retrace my steps and get the hell away from her mouth. As I walked through the balloons, they began to “POP” as I brushed by them. Everyone in the room froze and watched me with some curiosity and a little fear. As my EMP burst balloons, my M-I-L kept on screeching to stop popping all the balloons she’d blown up. If I could have popped that blowhard I would have!! On the wedding day I burst a couple while walking down the aisle as I approached the Chuppah. My witch of a M-I-L yelled at me to stop with the balloon popping and slapped my arm in front of all of our guests. The Rabbi was horrified, but knew nothing about the balloons, my EMP or my demonic M-I-L. Why I didn’t just turn around and walk out is beyond me. That was just one example of why I shouldn’t have married this man and his family from the underworld. That will be a future blog. Sorry, I digressed. Anyway, just imagine what I can do with a computer!! I have received a lot of great marketing advice and listed below are some of the sources and suggestions and my own research ideas: 1. My Alvarado Square Woman’s group & Family - do a podcast – they think my storytelling is hilarious! Contacting local news stations and local print media. Visiting local indie bookstores to sell my book. All good suggestions! 2. Ethel Circle Group – tons of suggestions and author friends who will share their marketing tips. 3. Mom – doing a reading at her local library in my hometown. Unfortunately, it was during my visit for Dad’s (memorial) celebration of life party. I wasn’t thinking about marketing during that visit. She meant well. 4. Marketing services – tons of people asking to assist me in my marketing campaigns – but certainly not out of the goodness of their hearts. Obviously, I’m looking into some of these offers, but must consider cost and reputation. 5. Famous actresses who have talked about Menopause and Aging. 6. Influencers – Book Tok, Instagram, Facebook, Blog Communities. 7. Authors who have similar subject matters and open to collaborating. 8. Talk Show Hosts who are interested in Women Topics. 9. Author/Book Promotion/Writer Communities – There are many groups on all social platforms that have tons of advice. I have joined a few but have yet to fully commit to the plethora of information and joining the conversation. This is a big To Do on my lengthy list. 10. Posting on my Author Facebook, Instagram and Website – I have been posting on SM but need to up my game in my Pre-Sale period. I want to do a video of performing with my ukulele. I’ve changed the words to a song and it’s funny – but I’d like to do a major production. I asked Ed if some of his out-of-work-due-to-strike friends in the film industry could help me with my music video. Not happening – so it's just me and my phone and the 2000 takes needed to get a sub-par 3-minute reel together. BTW - the out-takes are hilarious and lots of cursing!! 11. I’m keeping up with my blog about “Woman Things” and maintaining my message/voice – but need to gain more followers. Another conundrum. Please share with all your friends, family and total strangers. 12. Local Book Clubs – I have looked into some of these and already signed up for a meet-and-greet in October. 13. Book Signing – I’ve got one lined up at the newly renovated Barnes & Noble on the Avenue in White Marsh, MD on 12/2/23 at 2pm (please come visit me!!!). I stopped by once they opened. A young woman was signing her children’s books and she was very kind and told me it wasn’t easy to get into B&N, but it might help by telling them that I’m local. So, I talked to an employee and they gave me the manager’s email address. It was a really weird email, but I immediately wrote them about book signing. No response. Ed and I went back a couple weeks later. I was dressed in my cleaning clothes because it was an unplanned visit. I wandered off to the Humor Section to gaze longingly at the spot where my book would ultimately be on the shelf. I took a pix of where my book would be and it will sort of be close to David Sedaris – my humorist hero!! I wandered some more and saw a woman with a nametag and earbuds organizing some books on a table and without thinking said, “Hi. I assume you work here since you are wearing a name placard and have an earpiece.” She said, “Yes. Otherwise, I would be really weird.” I burst out laughing and said, “I’d like you even more if you weren’t an employee!” She burst out laughing and asked what I needed. I told her I was an author and that my book would be in B&N on November 21. I then mentioned that I was taking pictures of the Humor section to show everyone where my book would be located (see pix). She burst out laughing again because of my off-beat behavior. She asked the name of my book and immediately looked it up in their system. She burst out laughing again when she saw my cover illustration. I told her that I drew all my own illustrations which really impressed her. I then mentioned that I’d love to do a book signing in their store. She stopped what she was doing and told me to follow her. She pointed out that the store had a weird email address and wanted me to follow up ASAP. I said that I’d already emailed but got no response – only to find out from her that I was given the wrong weird email. We chatted for a while and bonded and she said that she was the one who decided who got to do a book signing. I emailed the minute I got home and she responded in kind. I credit meeting someone with the same "weird" sense of humor as myself for getting into B&N. Ask me what’s the most important thing about comedy? Timing! (This is an old joke and you’re supposed to say the word “Timing” before they finish the question. Get it???). I unknowingly timed that B&N visit! 14. Snug Books – local indie bookstore – is located very close to me and highly recommended - so I stopped in - my book in hand. They seemed a bit surprised. I think I broke some “author rule” by coming in unannounced. I found out later that there were rules to approaching indie bookstores. No worries. I made a joke about my book not belonging in the kid section which made them smile and left. They told me to fill out an application on their website – which I did. I’m waiting to hear if I’m invited to the local author book event held every first Friday of each month. Cross fingers. 15. Love That – local eclectic shop – is located very close to me and in an area that Ed and I often frequent. I’ve purchased numerous gifts and cards in Love That. Ed and I popped in one day to buy some cards and we both noticed that the large antique table as you enter the store was covered in books! I started chatting with the woman behind the counter about my book and if the owner was open to selling said book. We had a lovely conversation and she took down my info and told me to stop by the next day when the owner was in. I came back the next day. Fin Fox, the owner, was in the back room and the store unattended. I wandered around like I normally do – admiring the adorable cat bed/nooks. Handmade and really cute. Eventually Fin came out with her phone to ear. She knew who I was but had a long important call and asked me to come back the next day. Third times the charm. We came to an agreement and I left her 6 books with a nice thank you card with all my info. Fin told me that I had to check in with her on book sales. I asked if I could call numerous times every day. She’s super chill and said, “Sure. If you must.” Of course, I did not ruin that relationship right off the bat and plan on ghosting her for a while to pique her interest. I’ll call end of week and hope she’s sold all of them and begging me for more. Cross fingers! 16. Menopause Café – pop-up cafes - that take the stigma out of menopause and ageism by getting together and talking about menopause with their tea, coffee and scones – located in Scotland and growing. Their message of “You Are Not Alone” is a familiar chant in my book. I read about them in People Magazine and started following them on FB & Instagram. I got up the nerve to send them a message via Insta and was told to email due to their influx of messages. I emailed and talked about my menopausal journey, book and how we share the same passionate message. I quickly got a reply to both Insta and email from Rachel Weiss, the founder of this charity/non-profit organization. She was very interested in my book and I’ll be sending her a few copies to be given as door prizes at their next #FlushFest in 2024 (Love the name of this event!!!). I’m very excited about this community and I'm looking into hosting my own Café event in the US. Apparently, they have spread the message to our shores!! As I like to say, "Saving the Universe one Hot Flash at a Time!!" 17. Swag – tees and coffee mugs – is another marketing strategy I have. I’d love to sell tee shirts and coffee mugs with all my illustrations/captions as well as the plethora of humorous joke/sayings/quotes I’ve been jotting down for a couple decades. Walking and talking billboards!! Let's end on a funny story while at the airport. I was flying to Maine for my Dad’s life celebration party and family reunion a couple weeks ago. I arrived very early for my flight and found a remote seat to chill out and mediate on how much I miss my Dad. The waiting area seats quickly started filling up and I always hit the bathroom a few times prior to getting on board a plane. I was surrounded at this point and grabbed my bags and left my warm seat - knowing I’d lose it. When I came back, I was surprised to see it still vacant. The young man next to me kept glancing over at me and finally blurted out, “Excuse me. My partner and I have to ask – are you Terry Gross? I said, “No. But I love Fresh Air and NPR!!!” He said, “You look just like her! You’re even dressed like her! When you walked away, we were convinced that you were her and wearing a mask to protect your identity! So, we saved your seat.” I said, “Really? Thank you! Then maybe I AM Terry Gross!” We had a fun conversation until the SW cattle car got herded onto the plane. It was a nice compliment! I’m not Terry Gross but at least they thought I looked like an educated celebrity!!! I even said to them, “Do you think I can get an upgrade?” Give me this day, my Daily Beg! Help an old lady out and help me promote my book!! Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! I recommend you purchase the soft cover book during Pre-Sale for the preferred reading experience! I have pages at the end of the book for you to add your own menopausal journey! I really hope you’ll sign up and become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh

Alert—AccuWeather has added a new feature to their App—Menopausal Hot Flash! Quote Colleen McIntosh from Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! I am in the process of publishing my first book, “Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!!” It only took 2.5 decades to complete and it’s only 65 pages long – but has 20 Illustrations!! Well, let me clarify – it was 2.5 decades of compiling all my menopausal symptoms and aging concerns. It also helped that I finally quit my job of 21 years that consumed and tormented my every waking moment – which then allowed me time to work on my book. I had pages and pages of notes in a file folder that I just kept adding to whenever some manifestation of getting old occurred. It took a while just to organize all the crazed ramblings into a coherent and organized book. But somehow, I succeeded. As a Boomer, at 64, I never understood why Menopause wasn’t discussed. It’s not that I didn’t ask about or mention my Hot Flashes or Mood Swings – but somehow the conversation always mysteriously changed to some bland inoffensive topic like, “Isn’t my cat cute?” Women of this generation just did not talk about these life changing events. It made me so confounded and so mad. I made it my mission to tell the world or anyone who’d listen about my menopause and aging woes – in gory detail! In my book I say: “Menopause is a parasite that catapults us into a chemical body and mind take-over. The ongoing plight of female aging begins with menopause!” In other words, when a younger woman finds her first gray pubic hair – I cover that topic in my book. Of course, my reaction was to SCREAM! I don’t really offer solutions so much as I offer solace and support. We all go through these changes – but don’t have to go through it alone. Someone must speak up and tell future menopausal women what’s potentially to come! Also, older women who have already gone through or still going through this phase of female anguish can now empathize and laugh at the absurdity of what women have to endure. I have 17 chapters that include: 1. Periods! 2. Hot Flashes 3. Mood Swings 4. Sleeplessness 5. Hormones 6. Memory Loss 7. Weight Gain/Depression/Lethargy 8. The Arid Desert 9. Sex (Less) 10. Elasticity 11. Gravity 12. Hair 13. Age Spots/Skin Growths 14. Inner Plumbing 15. Fashion 16. Denial 17. Positive Changes Also, with an Introduction and In Closing – and 9 pages at the end for you to add your own Menopause and Aging Reflections. Believe me, it helps to write it all down! I included illustrations for each chapter. I wanted my nephew to do them since he makes gobs of money as an artist and illustrator, but he said, “NO.” Really, that was the extent of his reply. I couldn’t afford him anyway – so my husband, sister and niece convinced me that I could do them myself. I like sketching cartoons of animals and people – but never considered myself remotely talented enough to put my drawings in a book!! But I sat down and drew my first “Cartoon Colleen” which is on page 9 of my book. It just came to me and I was “content” with the avatar. I based all other illustrations on that first drawing. I’m not a pro – but my nephew saw the illustrations and told me he approved and thinks that I captured my “essence” and “crazy” and “subject matter.” He said that he could have drawn fantastic cartoons (way better than mine) but could never have done as well as I did in capturing ME. All my Beta Testers said that my illustrations were integral (and hilarious) to my story. The illustrations may not be professionally done – a bit wonky and messy – but so is menopause and aging. I hope you enjoy my images when you read my book! My humorous menopause book will be coming out later this year. I must first learn how to market myself and build up anticipation for my soon-to-be Best Seller!! Well, I can always hope and dream! I never thought at 64 that I’d be reinventing myself and marketing this new career as an author, especially about my menopause journey! Yet another massive endeavor to learn when I have limited tech skills. I use social media for fun or taking funny pix of my dog or keeping in touch with my family - but learning Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook and building my own website for marketing my book is DAUNTING! Also, I must learn how to make friends again! Exhausting!!! So, writing a very personal account of my Menopause and Aging Journey, creating a humorous Menopause Blog about my new book and putting myself even further out into this crazy world is scary and exciting at the same time. I know that I will need help and guidance to get the word out and convince others to share my journey – but I hope you will be a part of it! Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!!! - will be going on Pre-sale this Summer, 2023. Please pre-order my book! It really helps me or any author for people to pre-order during this period. It shows bookstores and e-tailers that you are worth ranking higher in their roster. It’s a cut-throat business. I appreciate all the help I can get!!! The official Book Launch date is supposed to be November 1, 2023 - pending my approving the eBook formatting. My Soft Cover Book is approved - but this is a never-ending process and I may have to update this if something goes awry!! But my intent is to launch just in time for your Holiday shopping. I sent a pdf of my book to a PR consultant and she gave me a great review – which I hope adds some credibility to my launch: McIntosh’s Menopause is a truly honest instructional guide for surviving and thriving through menopause. This “personal account of my aging carcass” is peppered with hilarious one-liners, from her reference to menopausal hot flashes as the original climate change to her Latin breakdown of the word menopause. It might not make you ache for the day your hot flashes begin, but you certainly won’t feel alone once you get there. Krystina Wales Writer/PR Consultant My book should be considered as a Humorous, Informative, Supportive gift for the following: 1. X-mas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa present for both women and men (yes, men should absolutely read this book – great stocking stuffer - especially for younger men). 2. Birthday gift – fun for Decade B-days like 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 or 70 or 80… 3. Summer read – great conversation piece at the beach. 4. Bathroom read – you can easily read a chapter while sitting on the toilet – may even help with constipation. 5. Mom’s Day or Dad’s Day present – Mom needs a good laugh and support – Dad needs to understand what Mom is going through and shut up, pay attention and give her support. 6. Baby Shower - menopause comes after giving life to other humans - so add this as the ideal gift at a Baby Shower – a gift that keeps on giving. 7. A gift for any woman approaching peri-menopause – she’ll need a good laugh. 8. A gift for ANY woman, no matter what age. 9. A gift for any man who is living with a menopausal woman – he’ll need to know what’s coming and keep his mouth shut or suffer the consequences. 10. A gift to save Womankind from going through this alone! I really hope you’ll become a part of my community. I would love to hear your stories, without any editing, please. I can handle anything! Please Share with your Friends, Family and even total Strangers! “Thanks for Reading and Please Share with your Social Media Friends….I encourage you to post a review on the retail site of your choice – but I ask you to please review with a kind heart…I am old after all! My biggest dream is to create a community of women - all ages, backgrounds and whatever floats your boat. So many things to share and so little time!! I hope you join me in discussing "woman things!" Thank you for your precious time! Let’s be Friends!!! Colleen McIntosh

As I get older, I’ve decided to abandon the - basically unattainable resolutions - that leave me dejected when I’ve failed with the follow through. So, no resolutions in 2024!! No setting myself up for failure! I will, however, maintain the resolutions that I’ve already accomplished and try to improve on them in 2024 with a tenacity like an ant with a crumb! I’ll delve more into the New Year’s pressure to “change or reinvent” yourself for what society considers to be the "ideal" person. This blog is going to cover a variety of mini-topics as well – mini-resolutions and mini-revelations. A Stream of Consciousness Blog - so to speak – that will mimic how my brain and my life works (or doesn’t work - depending on what life hurls at me). Here's a little excerpt from my book to start us off: Urination - Streams of Consciousness Urination—Be prepared to spontaneously dribble or squirt—sometimes if you laugh too hard or sneeze or just walk through a grocery store. In other words—like the surprise Toot—it happens! They say that laughter is the best medicine, unless it’s running down your leg. Start your Kegel exercises at age 3!!! Once again you are forced to shop in the tampon/pad aisle at Target—with the humiliating reminder that you no longer have your period and youth. Pee pads—or as my husband calls them, “Giggle Pads”—replace your tampons. Might as well start stocking up early or investing in diaper stock—or maybe—just go with the flow!!! I think this "Sunny and Warm" bodily function has the right outlook on life – go with the flow! That’s also my husbands “Zen” approach. Don’t sweat the small stuff and when you hit a snag – everything will work out just fine. Apparently, Ed has a Crystal Ball(s)! That is not the way my brain works and I cannot foresee the future. I “What if…?” myself into a tizzy like Chicken Little. I guess if I had one New Year’s Revelation – then it would be to “Resolve” my issues with negativity and worry less. I just need to be more aware of my poisonous musings. They say “Change is Good” but neglect to tell you that it can also be hard to achieve. I recently heard someone say, “Reinvention is a form of avoidance.” Quote from the TV show Killing Eve. That resonated with me. Rather than “change” or “reinvent” myself – I now prefer the words “improvement” or “refinement.” Sounds classy and a noble achievement! My psyche works like the Disney Marvel Show, “What if….?” I take any given scenario and calculate all the potential ways it can go horribly wrong. Our brains are inter-dimensional portals that need unlocking to understand ourselves and our multi-faceted personalities. I’m sure a lot of people (me included) have imagined their lives going in different directions based on decisions made throughout their lifetime. “What if…” I’d driven down this street rather than the one I chose – and avoided that accident. “What if…” I’d said “No” to that date - and avoided that divorce. “What if…” I’d chosen that first job offer rather than accepting the easier option – and avoided that emotional abuse. Etc., Etc. I have a very good “gut instinct” which I opt out of listening to with much regret. So, listening to my inner voice (gut) is a valid revelation/resolution to strive for and attain in 2024 - even though I think my hearing is going?? Follow those internal Ley lines to a more positive dimension and outcome. Listening to that unambiguous and logical frequency should be my new norm. The brain is a fascinating tool – bouncing from thought to thought at the speed of light. I recently watched an interview with the mega-companies working on AI (artificial intelligence). I read a lot of Science Fiction which often deals with AI, advanced technology, parallel universes and superior alien civilizations. Today, the AI technology is evolving faster than we mere humans can adjust to and deal with all the implications. It’s as if a lot of the books and movies I’ve read/watched are becoming reality – some in my lifetime. Apparently, these supposed geniuses at Google, Microsoft, etc. have also read a lot of Science Fiction - but have chosen to ignore the chapter on our destruction – resulting with the AI going rogue (Right Hal?)! The complex human brain isn’t good enough for them – so they build machines that can determine our fate – for us. Careful what you wish for! The Google needs to look up the word “Altruism” before it unleashes their AI program on this world. BTW - coincidentally I'm reading an older Sci-fi book right now called, "The Forge of God" by Greg Bear. Here's a quote from the book that is applicable to this subject matter: "Altruism is masked self-interest. Aggressive self-interest is a masked urge to self-destruction." Food for thought!!! The Google and other Machines that run our world should look up the simplified definition of Altruism, "Feelings and behavior that show a desire to help other people and a lack of selfishness (or profit!)" BTW - I added the last (two words) to Merriam-Webster! Back to New Year’s Revelations, Maintaining Status Quo Resolutions and Ignoring Unrequited Resolutions! 1.    Pilates – I’ll continue to do my Pilates workouts 5 days a week. I’ll maintain this home workout until I look for a new one. I enjoy it. It loosens up my old skeleton and monkey suit. It slims and strengthens. I consider Ellen, the instructor, my BFF! Sad but true. It allows me to eat french fries on occasion. If it’s not broken, don’t fix it! 2.   Menopause the Horror, Humility and Humor of It All - My Book – I ran into quite a few obstacles – that I battled/struggled with - marketing my small but mighty book - but will continue this endeavor with the Mega-Retailers who encourage failure. Keeping my soft cover book "Available" is a 2024 worthy challenge. Marketing my book will continue but I need to come up with more inventive solutions to thwart the Big Machine (Amazon and B&N). I've blogged about those obstructions and need new tactics. I also need to let loose one of my alter egos - Ms. Tina Tenacity - so I can conquer the powers that alienate my topically-challenged book. Maybe they should make a New Year’s resolution to redirect this negative energy into promotions and sales. Also, the Menopause conversation will continue. My passion has not dimished. It is a topic that remains buried in all the noise. Ironically, I received a message from a younger woman on Linkedin yesterday. From her image she looked like she was in her 30's - a self-proclaimed millennial. She mentioned that she was working on a research study and looking for women 40-65 who are currently experiencing menopause. Then she said, "I see you may be interested in menopause content and are you menopausal?" I stared at this question and thought, "Interested? I wrote an effing book on the subject!!! Currently menopausal? It never ends you oblivious youngster!!!" I eventually calmed down and responded, politely explaining my position on this topic and in the post-menopause stage at 65. I was a bit disappointed in her response, "The team are looking for women who have spoken to doctors about a specific medication for the treatment of their hot flashes or night sweats. We were pretty specific in our language outreach. We know there's a lot more to the story. Thanks for getting back to me." I read this as, "Thanks but No Thanks Invisible Old Woman!" She was clearly NOT specific in her "language outreach" to me and probably works for a pharmaceutical company or hired by one. I'm not saying that this is not a worthy research - but I feel the younger generation is missing the point of menopause. It's not just one stage - peri-menopause or menopause or post-menopause. Once it starts - it is forever! Also, there are more than two symptoms on the "Menopausal Menu." Just because I'm not having hot flashes or night sweats doesn't mean I'm not still menopausal. Ironically, I've even aged out of a menopause study!!! I should have responded with, "I'M STILL RELEVANT!!!" I'm also still waiting for the medical community to research safe treatments for sagging skin, mood swings, memory loss and zero libido. Maybe she'll look back at this exchange one day and say, "Maybe I should have talked to that old woman about menopause and read her book!" The education crusade continues…… 3.   Website Blog – I love writing my Blog and will need to choreograph my days more efficiently to include other projects (listed above and below). I’ll continue my ranting and raving – my non-sequitur train of thought – but may need to limit my blog to once a month rather than every other week – due to my multi-tasking limitations. Locating pics, taking pics or creating drawn images for each blog takes time. I am a stickler for my chaotic but sincere rhetoric. Yes, I am an oxymoron! But I must prioritize my time to include equally important ambitions. I really hope you like my Blogs?!! I’d love more feedback, have a conversation and would love you to encourage others to my website/blogs! Thank you in (needy and hopeful) advance! 4.   My Next Book – Growing Up Middle(ing) – Adequate Working Title For Now (like middle children) – It’s time for me to be fully present for my next book. I need to shake off all the publishing and marketing nightmares from book #1 so I can concentrate on my middle child issues. Like my previous book, I’ve been jotting down thoughts, organizing my childhood notes (demands) and loosely outlining my segments. I’m using a different strategy and want to not only research the topic, but interview people born in the “Middle” of their family structure and include their stories along with my own. I’ll even use (funny) pseudonyms if they wish to remain anonymous. I plan on utilizing my folder of (terrifying and demanding) notes that my Mom saved from my childhood - which will probably be used as the chapter headings or sprinkled throughout the book - for a good chuckle. I've actually read these notes out loud at many family gatherings eliciting tears of laughter but deep inside I am personally horrified! My first book was my personal menopausal journey to share but I did not include conversations with other women and their experiences and I did not include the scientific/medical community. My methodology will once again be humorous, self-effacing and sardonic. I’m not approaching this subject matter with reproach, anger or revenge – but my ambition is to clarify our (my) position in the family unit and in society - for better or worse. Educing why we are the way we are? I would love to include some insights from the medical, psychiatric or psychology community on our mental, emotional and behavioral characteristics (disorders) – but I prefer to interview only those professionals who are also “Middle Children.” It would be fascinating to hear a psychiatrist/psychologist self-diagnose their own middle-child syndrome! I know that sections of my previous book and blogs (and this one) will be included in my 2nd book. It’s inevitable! I can’t plagiarize myself!!! (Can I?) 5.   Be Nicer and a “Better” Person – Since I quit my job a couple years ago – my outlook on life as shifted. I feel that releasing this albatross has allowed me to prioritize what is important and to redefine that word. I want to be home and spend time with my tiny family of Ed and Furballs. I abandoned my fear of rejection and joined my local woman’s group and couldn’t be happier. I have friends! Those who know me will understand that pathetic comment. I am still OCD but now have the time to be (somewhat) less rigid about my “Schedule.” I no longer feel like the world will end if I don’t vacuum! I’m still f**ked up, but I like to think that my annoying habits are more bearable. Stop Laughing Ed!!! 6.   Be More Present and Meditate Daily – Covid had a devastating effect on my fears and paranoia. I felt detached and impotent. Frozen in fear. Covid exacerbated my OCD and deficits. I was paralyzed. I stopped meditating because it only caused more anxiety. Changing the course of my life at 62 facilitated action and saved my life - sort of a colonoscopy for my soul! It’s an ongoing and sometimes formidable journey of self-discovery but so worth-while. Even though I wish I could go back in time and make different choices – I learned from these headaches and miseries. Now I can work on being more present and mediating daily adds honey to each day. I highly recommend it! 7. Less Lists - Well, apparently that's not going to happen!! I LOVE LISTS!!! 8.   List of Additional To-Do’s for 2024 – Even better eating habits. Read the room and think before I speak. Listen to my gut. Patience with my Primate and MD drivers. Repair my dwindling eyesight. Improve my Ukulele skills. Most importantly, give of myself. The "list" above is already in motion – but hopefully in 2024 – I can accomplish even more. Now, enough of this serious ringing out the old and in with the new! As I’ve mentioned, my brain works in bizarre ways! I’m a little erratic, crazy, animated, mentally dyslexic, OCD, ADHD, other emotionally challenged acronyms. It’s difficult for me to maintain and focus on one thought or project because my mind gets in my way. I also get easily distracted by dull shiny objects that need polishing! If I start to feel over-whelmed, I have to pause and chant, “Change the Channel….Change the Channel….” Especially, if I go down a dark path. (ominous music here) Some of these random wacky thoughts may become a Blog Topic – but for now – let’s just meditate and muse on life’s ironies! I am my own Editor, after all! I decided to do my first TikTok post (TikTok.com/@colleenmcintosh) – by changing the words to an old Doris Day song – “Sentimental Journey.” I called it, “Menopausal Journey!” My husband, Ed, got me a ukulele when I quit my job and I’ve really enjoyed learning this instrument. (Side note of Digression - Ed also got me an iPhone Mini - which has become an ongoing family joke. I'd been asking for the largest iPhone they made because of my fading eyesight, but Ed loves his baby-iPhone and decided I would as well. I couldn't squash his enthusiasm - so I kept it. But my toylike-iPhones reputation spread far and wide! When my family got a whiff of my weakness - they pounced with joy!! My Mom actually argued with me that her gigantic iPhone took bigger/better pictures than my microscopic-iPhone. Our conversation was hilarious and frustrating because she didn't believe me when I said the size of my phone had nothing to do with image size (kind of like a man justifying his "size"). She thought her larger iPhone covered more "area" and therefore resulted in bigger and better photos - that my phone would crop out people in the image??? Thank God my cousin, Kelly, was there to back me up and convince my Mom of her misguided logic. I told my husband that my next phone was going to be the biggest one they have in stock. Maybe I'll just carry my iPad in my purse and put it up to my ear when I answer a call!!) Anyway - back to my uke. I’m not very good, but it gives me pleasure pretending I am worthy of sharing my performance. I love changing the words to songs – like many have before me. Randy Rainbow is a current internet sensation and loads of fun to watch - very clever. So, I videoed myself singing and strumming “Menopausal Journey.” Ed said, "I'm amazed you can sing and play at the same time!" I can coordinate those two actions simultaneously, unfortunately, I did so many takes I murdered my pygmy phone! An alert appeared from Siri politely saying, “STOP SINGING YOU LUNATIC!!! ONE MORE TAKE AND I’LL HUNT YOU DOWN B***CH!! Aaaarghhhh!!! Pooft!” I killed Siri!!! I revived her by deleting about 1000 failed attempts to complete the song and lots of cursing. My iPhone Mini is not equipped to handle my TikTok musical genius!! I ultimately just selected one and posted out of sheer exhaustion and frustration. I’m changing my account to “TwitTok.” I’ve mentioned in a previous blog – “Holi-Geddon!” - that our camper is called, “Gullible’s Travels.” A take on the book title, “Gulliver’s Travels” just in case you didn’t get my play-on-words joke. Those who know me think this an apt name. Let me explain how this came to be. My gullibility is a birth defect that has entertained countless people for decades. I’m an easy mark! A perfect example was during a visit with my sister. We decided to eat at our favorite Indian restaurant. While waiting for our food – my gullibility was being tested to the max by both my husband and sister. Laughing at one of my inane remarks, my husband said, “You know, Gullible’s written on the ceiling.” I looked up to check. Both Ed and Bridget burst into peals of laughter. As we all calmed down, my sister turned to me and said, “Did you know that Gullible is not in the dictionary?” I said, “NO!! Really?” The entire restaurant burst into screams of laughter and my sister spewed her mouthful of water all over the table. Apparently, everyone was listening to our conversation and I was the entertainment. Later, my husband said he was going to paint the word “Gullible” on the ceiling in the kitchen. He didn’t, but I named our camper! I’ve decided to hone my gullible skill rather than pretend to change it. Or maybe I should just rename the camper to,"The Savviest Tiny Camper on the Highway!" BTW – my Dad really appreciated my gullibility – because I laughed and fell for all his jokes! The definition of Marbles is "Sanity!" I seemed to have lost my Marbles!! This is a phrase I’ve said many times – first marriage, at work, during menopause, driving in Maryland, signing up for Medicare, publishing my book, marketing my book.….etc. I went through a phase of collecting multi-colored glass beads. One day I found 2 large random Marbles – Aggies – in a drawer and turned to Ed and said, “Look! I found our marbles!!” So pleased with myself, I put them in the large bowl of colored beads and said, “If we ever lose our Marbles – just look in this bowl!” I love my husband because he tolerates my delusion. To this day, I have our “Marbles” carefully hidden in the den – amidst the deranged-decoy-colored beads! We are safe for now but obviously Not Sound! Continuing the Marbles theme – Ed recently told me, “If you lose your marbles – I’ll dress you up in a princess outfit every day and walk you around the neighborhood!” Such a thoughtful man. I hope he includes lipstick and a tiara!! (Old joke - What's the difference between a pit bull and a menopausal woman? Lipstick!) Mysterious Leg Bruise Club (MLBC)!!! My niece, Dani, sent me this meme and it is not only hysterical but apropos! I can guarantee that I had a couple on my legs as I laughed at her text! Being of Scottish/Irish/Vampire descent – you can take my word for it – I am pale and bruise easily. I often discover “Klutz Bruises” that show up with no explanation, like an unwanted guest (or obstacle)! Self-injury bruises that appear and sometimes have a presence – a separate heartbeat – like my Bursa twin!! Example – I was scrubbing the bathtub a week ago – leaning my left shin against the porcelain tub – while I furiously sanitized. When I changed out of my work clothes – I looked down and screamed!! I had a bruise the size of a donut on the side of my calf (donut came to mind because I'm hungry). It took me a minute to figure out when and how I got this multi-colored contusion. My bruises are so spectacular that Ed suspiciously questions their source! Normally that source is called "The Coffee Table" or "Walking the Dog" or any object to run into or trip over! I should run for VP of the MLBC! Toilet IQ! I must mention my book, Menopause the Horror, Humility, and Humor of It All!! Firstly, I apologize for the tongue-twister-title. I get a little embarrassed when someone asks me the name of my book. Awful mouthful for such a tiny tome. Anyway, every time I go into the bathroom, I imagine what a perfect location to read my book. Ideal place for the advancement of your menopause education. It’s also a great way to inform your partner of “The Menopause" and be vindicated at the same time! Another reason why my book is such a great bathroom read – is the chapter lengths. You can easily read a chapter per toilet session. A great way to not only learn something but to while away your toilet activities. You'll have entertainment for 17 poops – 19 if you count the Introduction and the Closing. Great use of your time as you “eliminate” that donut. I am contemplating having my readers rate my book by bowel movement. One to Five scale – 5 poops being the best rating!!! Thoughts? Speaking of bathrooms. I’m constantly amazed how your grooming strategies need to adjust as you age. For example – shaving my legs was never a fun or easy task. I never spent money having a sadistic stranger do it for me. You need to be pretty limber to cover all areas. But as I’ve aged – my quarterly leg-shave has a whole new set of challenges. I am not a bathtub fan - I only shower. I hold up my leg with my foot pressed against the wall for balance - I always get a nasty leg-cramp about half-way through the shave! I don’t recommend hopping around the shower with a razor blade. I have less hair on my legs now – but for some bizarre reason – I have a plethora on my wrinkly knees!!! Around the third month – as I get into bed and the light hits my bent knee just so – I see this little forest of hair wafting in the ceiling fan’s breeze. Time for a shave. Unfortunately, they don’t make razors that can navigate the knee-ruts and I always miss spots - leaving a couple long stragglers - growing disproportionately to the new growth. The other area of distress are my eyelids. We have a rule in our house – if the bathroom door is closed – you must knock (Ed) before barging in. I try to leave a little mystery to my beauty regimen. First thing every morning – I make sure the door is closed and then proceed to carefully adjust and re-mold my additional eyelid “flaps” to allow room for my beady-blue eyes to peep through the labyrinth of folds. Then I need to maintain these modifications for the next 18 hours. Waking up has become a series of bodily adjustments before I can even exit the bathroom. Being female and getting older is exhausting! You can also check out my book on "Hair" Chapter 13. This is one of my more elucidating chapters on the mutation of aging and adapting to those anomalies which also requires privacy!!! Enough rambling for now. I just needed a New Years purge and a donut!! I wish everyone a healthy, safe, productive and calm 2024! Don't sweat the new year's resolutions. Just maintain and carry on! You're all Fabulous!!! One of my (Covid) sayings is – “Why isn’t Hope contagious?” Let’s start our own Hope Pandemic promoting - Happiness, Charity, Empathy, Tolerance and Kindness in 2024! It’s time for a Love Revolution!!! Cleaning Tip #4 – knee pads. I can’t stress enough how important it is to start wearing knee pads at an early age. I watch so many people abusing and destroying their knees when a simple solution is a pair of knee pads. Might save you from getting that Bursa on your knee or that future knee replacement surgery. It might also help you avoid that embarrassing conversation with your 12-year old Orthopedic doctor explaining all the years you spent on your knees!!! Just sayin! Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are my Super Hero’s!!! My sister, Bridget, recently ended an email to me with a fantastic tag line - Women Ignite and Women Unite. I would love to chat with you about igniting and uniting about menopause or aging or anything you feel like getting off your chest. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without censure or interruption! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Let's all have a happy, healthy, safe and minimal drama 2024! Let's be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh

I want to start this Holiday Blog with a tribute to my Dad. He passed away last February at 91. I will miss him forever. I haven’t posted anything about his passing because it is such a private pain. But I wanted to honor him by telling you why he was a much-loved man. He was one of the funniest people I know. I don’t know how he managed to come up with a joke at a moment’s notice. He had a “Tell” when he was pulling your leg – his mouth would do this weird, pinched smirk that foretold a groaner (joke) was coming – a downward turn of one side of his mouth. Once he tortured us with his dry wit - a laugh would burst out soon after. His laugh was quiet but with full-bodied glee. I loved his smile and his joy at making us laugh. I did not inherit his mental capacity to remember an endless source of jokes, but I think all of us got his humor gene. For that I am eternally grateful. Everyone knew and loved my father. He had many BFF's. Even after my parents divorced, he remained close to my Mom (Mum) and her entire family. They never stopped loving one another, but just couldn’t live together. He sang, “You are my Sunshine” (badly), which melted my heart every time. It was his favorite song. My Dad wasn’t perfect, but none of us are. I choose not to dwell on his faults. I will reveal one fault that involved food. He was tough at the dinner table. We had to finish every last bite of the liver and onions before leaving the table. He insisted we enjoy his favorite meal – even though we all hated it with a passion. To this day I can’t smell it cooking without gagging. He was a passionate and skilled hunter and fisherman. He provided for us as best he could. He was a Korean War Veteran and Mason. He was kind to strangers and could make friends with anyone. He laughed at all my witty remarks and praised all my meager accomplishments. I have so many cherished memories of my beloved Dad. The void he left can’t be filled but will be forever cherished. You are my sunshine Dad! Now on to "Funniest Holiday Memories!!" My parents had five children at a young age. Mum popped one out every year until she crossed her legs and said, “NO MORE SEX! NO MORE KIDS!” We were not wealthy (poor) but never wanted for the basics or knew any different, because we lived in Norther Maine – where everyone worked hard to provide for their family. They always made the holidays bountiful with decorations, gifts and delicious food. Mum went overboard with holiday cheer – which we lovingly tolerated. Back in my youth (the olden days of yore!) – the gifts were affordable – unlike today with all the tech toys. One of my favorites was a holster with pistols and a cowboy hat to complete the outfit. A pony would have been nice – but they didn’t want to spoil me. I could entertain myself for hours pretending I was a gunslinger or sheriff or just a bad-ass gal. Westerns were very popular on our tiny black and white TV set. We had 3 stations - CBS, Canadian and PBS. Gunsmoke, The Rifleman, Bonanza, etc. - were the “Law & Order(s)” of our day. Northern Maine in the 60’s did not have cable or streaming services – we had rabbit ears. Every Xmas we were told to put on our jammies and lined up on the steps for the annual photo-op and then sent to bed to await Santa’s arrival. Of course, I never slept because I hoped to catch a peek! Santa (aka Dad) would make a great show of stomping around downstairs and delivering presents under the tree. I believed it was Santa for a few years until I aged out of pure innocence. I got a little jaded around 2nd grade. We always opened presents on Christmas Eve – which was a frenzy of shredded paper and unnecessary envy at a sibling’s gift. It was magical and wonderful. Xmas day was spent playing with our toys and watching TV while Mum cooked for a big family gathering later in the day. We would bundle up to play outside in the snow. This is pre-climate change, so we always had a few feet of pure white snow to tunnel into and sled down and create massive snow-people. Once all the company arrived – more gifts would be passed around. I grew up with grandparents and great grandparents and their large extended families – so it was always a huge gathering with visitors popping in and out. We spread the feast throughout the house to accommodate the large, loud crowd. Everyone brought a side or dessert. Lots of desserts!!! Sometimes we’d (I) would stage a play or we'd all play games. Mum would get out her (now antique) movie camera and film the event. We’d often watch previous holiday gatherings projected on the wall. Sometimes we’d play it in reverse which was hysterical and made the memories even more whimsical and cherished. I loved seeing food come out of my grandfather’s mouth - fully formed. It was warm, loving and transcendent. The only down-side – my older brother preventing me from playing (or touching) the Xmas tree bulbs. I have my revenge now – I fondle my bulbs as much as I want!!! Thanksgiving was also a large crowd – gathering usually at one house – with massive quantities of holiday food and ridiculous amounts of dessert. It’s not a holiday (Xmas or Thanksgiving) without 8 different pies, cinnamon buns, 4 different decorated cookies, brownies, fruit cocktail surprise and the dreaded brick of Fruit Cake!!!! A holiday primarily made up of women and children. Often, we’d have a snowstorm around this holiday, so we’d manage to make our way to our destination and then sit tight for a long feast and visit. For many years, I didn’t think men celebrated Thanksgiving because they were never home during that timeframe – as if banished. The reality was - Thanksgiving was prime hunting season and all the men opted for that cabin with an outhouse - in the middle of the Northern Maine woods – 100 miles from civilization and family – rather than spending it with us. I didn’t know any different and didn’t mind the female-centric holiday. There were male children but no male adults. This was our norm and it was many years before I realized this was unusual in other parts of the country. If the storm was bad enough – we’d have late old home movie night and a sleepover. Full bellies and all sugared up! Fun times!! As the years went by – this joyful season became less miraculous and fantastical and was replaced with predictable, anxious and irritating occasions/get togethers that pressured you to buy more than you could comfortably live with and the knowledge that the gifts you give will probably end up in the trash or the next yard sale or re-gifted.  I feel empathy with Scrooge. Children are shielded from any drama or colossal mishaps that occur during every holiday gathering – as it should be. Let them experience the magic as long as possible. As adults, we get the privilege of experiencing all the unexpected glitches – whether it’s a cooking disaster or additional unexpected guests or squelching that urge to punch someone! It's all relative(s). These challenges inevitably pop up shattering all your carefully laid plans. Such is life as an adult. Most women become expert jugglers and generals coordinating the circus/troops. I became an expert clown to divert attention away from these mishaps. I carried my emergency tote of round red nose, clown shoes and googly-eyes in case my services were needed. I’ll just give a few samplings of “Holi-Geddon” stories throughout my adulthood. 1.    What the guests don’t know, won’t hurt them! My sister was hosting a large Thanksgiving gathering of NY friends and family. I was staying with her at the time and pitched in to help serve the massive gourmet feast. When it was time for the dessert – my sister entered the kitchen from one entry and I from the other – meeting in the kitchen just in time to see her dog – standing on his hind-legs – taking a huge, long lick of homemade whipped cream off the top of the pumpkin pie. From opposite ends of the kitchen – we both leapt in slow-motion towards the dog – in ninja silence - so no one in the dining room would hear us. We tucked and rolled onto the floor with dog in hand - silently laughing with tears running down our faces – wiping the whipped cream off the dog’s face and ourselves. We then wiped our tears away and my sister very carefully reorganized the whipped cream into a new pattern to cover up the puppy evidence (crime scene). This was all achieved in dead silence and mutual consent to serve this pie of lies – with a smile! While everyone drooled in anticipation over this scratch gourmet pumpkin pie and “secret enhanced-spiced recipe” topping – we starred at each other across the table desperately trying not to cringe or laugh when they all dug in and complimented the chef! 2.   The Guests that never leave! My sister and brother-in-law took on the mantle of hosting the major holidays for family, whether they liked it or not. Many of us (leeches) would descend upon them for an extended visit. My sister was and is a fantastic cook – so we preferred that she do all the work as we laid around and cheered her on. Growing up we had “traditional” holiday fare that was delicious and well-received – but my sister took holiday food to a whole new gourmet citified level. Our tastebuds couldn’t wait for her unique spin on Turkey, stuffing, sides or desserts. She always served savory appetizers just to tease our palates (while we laid around and cheered her on). One of our “extended visits” included pizza night watching movies in their kitchen. We were spread out on her benches with TV trays ready to dive into the NY pizza that we couldn’t get at our own homes. My brother-in-law had disappeared prior to our first bite. Their dog slunk into the kitchen with daddy in tow – carrying a baggy in his hand. With raised pizza slices up to our mouths – we watched my brother-in-law bring his arm around in an arc – in slow-motion – that ended with a “SPLAT” on top of the dog’s head. The bag burst and spewed its contents all over the dog, the pizza, the kitchen and us. That’s when we realized that the bag contained dog shit that he had just cleaned up in the living room. Time stopped for what seemed forever – until we all screamed and then laughed until we gag-cried! Dinner was officially over!!! We’ve never let my brother-in-law live down that story – it’s a holiday tradition to re-tell. The gift that keeps on giving!!! Even a bag of poop couldn't get us out of their house! 3.   Amish Scare Me! Ed and I decided to drive up to Northern Maine with our dogs to celebrate Xmas with my family. There are a couple ways to drive up through Maine – 95 (flat, well-traveled highway) or Rte. 11. Of course, it was snowing and my husband insisted on getting off the main highway (95) to take what he considered the “scenic route" (Rte. 11). Let me tell you about this route. It’s a narrow, hilly two lane road that winds through the Maine woods, unpopulated for miles. As we drove (with no way of getting off this road without turning around and driving back to 95) the snow increased in volume and intensity. We slowed down to a crawl through the Nor’easter. We had about an hour’s drive (in good weather) to get to civilization. I was furious at my husband because I knew this was a bad decision and was terrified – and rightfully so. As we crested a hill, we came to the first obstacle – an Amish Buggy!!! Thank god they have reflectors on the back of their black buggies!! We screamed and somehow cleared the buggy and horse to descend the hill with our hearts in our throats. I did not know that the Amish had populated the Northern Maine area!! It was so unexpected and a bit nightmarish!! As we calmed down, we crested another hill to encounter a moose standing in the middle of the road – which is their inclination! They are dumb animals – beautiful - but dumb! We screamed and swerved recklessly around that behemoth to descend yet another hill – thinking how lucky we were to avoid a second catastrophe. Shortly thereafter (and another hill), we watched a herd (3 of them) of deer storming across the road a few yards ahead knowing we couldn’t possibly stop on time or avoid the deer in this weather. Screaming again - waiting for impact – we approached the deer in slow-motion. My husband channeled his inner race car driver and we somehow slid through a crack in the herd and miraculously missed them. The deer didn't miss a beat! Only then did we open our eyes. Clearly, thrilled and elated that we somehow lived through these 3 bizarre events, we crested another hill to come upon another Amish Buggy!!!! At this point we were old pros and screamed past them – cursing the Amish for being out in this storm - wondering if they also encountered the moose and herd of deer and how they managed to survive in their buggy. We also wondered why they were out in this storm, where they were going and was this some hellish Amish prank! Finally the little town of Ashland appeared and we wept for joy at arriving in one piece and a taste of civilization. We still had another hour and a half to go to get to Perham and my sister’s home for (curse word here) Xmas!! When we arrived - shaky, exhausted and starving – we entered the house with our confused and traumatized pets. My sister’s pug proceeded to give a "welcome to our home" pee all over the kitchen floor. His unique way of saying hi to his new hairy cousins. So, after the bedlam calmed down and we cleaned up the urine – we begged for some turkey and fixings – only to find out that all the guests (our voracious family) ate and took home doggy bags leaving nothing for us but 10 half-eaten pies and a fruit cocktail surprise. Both Ed and I wanted protein and carbs – not sugar – because we were still wound up from the deathtrap route that Ed had selected and the gut-wrenching snowstorm. I believe we had PB & J’s for Xmas dinner – pissed off – and then grumpily crammed pie in our mouths to cap off a Stephen King holiday! Ed and I did this drive during the holidays – one more time – in another snowstorm – on 95 - and decided that I would fly next time – alone! 4.   My Mum is the most gullible person I know (besides myself)! I inherited all her gullible. Mum has a great sense of humor and the perfect person to make fun of – with love!! For years, I/we would occasionally “mimic” her to the point of - laughter tears and soggy panties. I/we would repeat her every word, expression and movement. She would laugh and yell, “Stop it. Stop it!” But she just fueled the fire and took the mimicking like a gullible trooper and laughed til she peed her pants. She secretly loved the attention. Another Mum incident - once again at my sister’s home – filled with family - was my Mum in true gullible form. She told a story about sitting alone at her home one night and getting inspired by something on TV (probably a commercial) to paint a little face on her index finger. Comic “light bulbs” appeared above me and my siblings’ heads. We immediately began the roasting. Examples of our normal uncensored ribbing someone to death: Please show us Mum (and she did)! Did it talk back to you? Did you name it? You can paint one on every finger and have a party! Do you do this daily? Does your new friend go to bed with you? (Wink, Wink). Mum answered each question with laughter! We had to take it a step further and everyone secretly painted a face on their finger and hid behind the dining room table so when Mum came in the room she saw about 15 fingers around the table giggling (kids and adults). My Mum laughs more than anyone – even when it’s at her expense. She is the best audience and a ray of sunshine to all who know her. A true nurturer and a good sport! She also happens to be great fodder for hilarity. 5. I never knew Camo-Couture was so much fun! I remember one Xmas Ed and I decided to go to Bass Pro Shop for my father's holiday gift. We figured we could find something for the outdoorsy hunter/fisherman (my Dad) at this Mega-store. I wandered off and found myself in the "Camo Outerwear" section and decided to try some outfits on just because I could. Then it dawned on me that theoretically I was now invisible and started running around the store - hiding in various locations - to see if the outfit lived up to its hype. I would embed myself in a rack of camo-coats and when someone walked by - I would whisper, "I'm invisible." Then I would stand next to various color-coded gear and tree-blinds and would continue my childish antics. I'd say, "You can't see me - I'm camouflaged! I am "one" with the forest." I scared a couple people. I pissed off quite a few men. Their wives had a good laugh though! I've been back a couple times to Bass Pro Shop - just for the "Camo-Pranks!" I now think I'm on a do not fly/hunt list. 6. South of the Border Scares Me! The next time we decided to drive a great distance for a family holiday - was our trip to Florida a few years ago. We thought it would be a great idea to take our tiny camper (appropriately named - Gullibles Travels) to my in-laws who live in Naples, Florida. We brought our dogs again and began the journey south. It takes a couple long days to get to Naples – so the first night my husband insisted on stopping at the infamous “South of the Border” rest stop just over the border entering South Carolina. You can’t miss it off 95 – they have billboards for miles!! We got there late and we were starving. We quickly parked the camper and fed the dogs. It’s not a “pretty” campground and very creepy at night. We walked over to the dining and shops area only to find one restaurant open. We waited about 20 minutes for a hostess to appear and then waited at our table for over an hour to place our order. We saw one waitress for a massive room filled with tables full of "hangry" people. She acted like she had all the time in the world to do her job. It was like we were in a Tarantino film. I was waiting for the Vampires to arrive for their meal – Us! We would have been easy prey – because we were all weak from hunger. We never got a chance to order and eventually left to avoid being torn apart by the very large man looking at everyone like they were a walking ham hock! When we were walking past the hostess station – she was being reamed out by other dissatisfied customers!! It was getting ugly! We wandered around the shops filled with bad candy choices and called it a night. BTW – we also walked the dogs together because the camper across from us had a person sitting outside in a folding chair just staring at us without smiling. Their head just swiveled when we walked by. We got a blank zombie-like stare when we said hi. Thoughts of every isolated horror film came to mind and we didn’t unhook our camper in case we needed a quick getaway. Vampires and Zombies in South of the Border – my next book!!! Day two was far worse. As expected – 95 was a parking lot and came to a standstill in South Carolina. On top of that – it was a torrential downpour! While we sat and occasionally inched forward, we decided to pull over and let the dogs out to pee. When we got back in the truck – it did not start. The battery was completely dead. At least we weren’t blocking a lane of cars and dealing with all the holiday well-wishing (cursing)! We tried everything prior to attempting the “flagging down of a good Samaritan” option – but there weren’t any driving along this corridor on this particular night. So, we called AAA and we were told that it would be about 3 – 4 hours to get to us because they were in this sea of vehicles as well. AAA also had a couple in the backseat with their dead car in tow. We went to the camper and had some dinner sandwiches and peed while waiting 4 to 5 hours for our jump. It eventually happened and we were grateful to AAA and gave him a big tip. We got off the next exit which was less than a mile away and stopped overnight at a Cracker Barrel restaurant – only to find out that our battery had just enough juice to get us there. They allow campers to stay in their parking lots overnight, thank god. We got there just in time for their last dinner bell and dejectedly stuffed our faces. We went to bed full, drenched, battery-challenged and slept fitfully. AAA was called again. I ate breakfast – alone – as the only customer at 6am and had a lovely time chatting with the staff – while watching out the window as our truck got a shiny new battery for Xmas. After Ed ate – we took off again and crawled to the Florida border. Now day three - it took all day to get to Naples and we parked at a lovely but very tightly squeezed campground. We ended up driving to my in-laws with the dogs and spent the night in their guest room. Naples is very festive and they really go all-out on decorations. We had a lovely Xmas with my in-laws. Always a bit strange with no snow, 70 degree weather and everyone in shorts - but we managed just fine! All was going well until we noticed blood on their living room floor. Our dog, Bob A. Licious, was ill. We left immediately to get him home to our vet. We had a couple more harrowing experiences on the speed-demon drive home. I won’t bore you with the horrible details. Lots of anger and massive fear for our pup Bob (and our lives during one incident in VA). That’s another blog. We saw our Vet immediately and confirmed that Bob had inoperable cancer. Our sweet Bob lasted a little while longer but passed at the beginning of Covid - when we realized he was ready to leave us. We will fly to Naples next time but never, ever drive during a holiday. We’ve all had funny and horrible holiday experiences. Some common ones being: a.    The 8-foot Xmas tree that gets taken down by the cat and heirloom decorations are shattered all over the floor just prior to company arriving – my sister’s tree – lots of anger, tears and chasing of cat. b.   Splitting the cooking chores doesn’t always work out. My husband finished the deep-fried turkey 2 hours before I had even started baking/roasting/cooking all the sides and pies. He decided to start eating the turkey while I cooked in a sweaty frenzy. Why waste a good turkey! He still lives – but it was a hard call to make. c.    New Year’s Eve parties – I told my Alphabet Game story in a previous blog "The Silent Plague!" Still the best New Year’s party ever – please read the blog! d.   New Year’s as a young woman in NYC – going to Time’s Square for the countdown - accompanied by my sister and a pseudo-bodyguard/male companion – making the tipsy decision to kiss every policeman we saw. There is an excessive amount of police in that area on New Year’s Eve. Who said cops aren’t friendly?!! e.    More recently – arriving to any family holiday gathering while everyone sits on the couch glued to their iPhones. My solution is to start texting everyone in the room with nonsensical topics – just to irritate them – so they put the effing phones away!! I think most adults would agree that holidays are for the young or younger at heart. Thanksgiving is a time for being with family and loved ones or those in need of a meal. But a lot of us have forgotten the true intent. We spend lots of money on this one meal - prep and cook for days - only to eat it in under 30 minutes - and one person does clean up for 2 hours while everyone else is in front of the TV watching a football game or dog show. Xmas is a time of frenzy for the adults. When I’m in a store during the lead up to 12/25 – no one looks happy. They look panicked, exhausted and irritated at the empty shelves, other angry shoppers and long lines. They are frustrated with locating the perfect gifts without cleaning out the bank, savings, college and retirement accounts. Cranky people do not exhibit the Xmas spirit. Consumerism has been the Xmas credo and bane of our existence, especially in our country. I think we need to all chill out and erase our adult vision of holidays and look through the eyes of toddlers – to see the true meaning and joy. The gift packaging is often more fun than the actual toy! It's not that we’ve forgotten how exciting and fantastical this holiday was when we were young – it’s that we realize our time has expired and we are responsible for making the magic happen for all our young people. If you’re half-way intelligent and aware – it’s a time that we should also show appreciation to our parents and elderly relatives for all their hard work making us happy all those long-ago holidays. It's a conundrum but the spirit of these celebrations need to return to its original intent – happiness, joy and expressing our love for our family, friends and our fellow woman/man. Just for fun - I’m going to do two random cleaning tips/observations for this holiday blog. You can also go to my last blog for Cleaning Tip #1 - Blog - "How to Communicate With Your Primate!" Cleaning Tip #2 – You should all have a small flashlight with you when you clean. “Why?” you might ask, “You crazy lunatic!” Because there are many areas that would surprise you when you shine a little light on them. For example – when you pull out your storage/broiler drawer of your range – to clean underneath – if you lay a flashlight on the floor pointing into the interior – you will find dog hair, those ditalini noodles that your husband drops every time and those missing vitamins that your husband also drops every time. Everything gravitates to that black hole underneath your stove. It’s uncanny and inevitable and needs a weekly wipe down. A flashlight is also helpful when cleaning behind your toilet, under your couch, countertops, fans, etc. etc. Flashlights are key!!! Cleaning Tip #3 – Old traditional toothbrushes are still useful once the soft bristles have expired for cleaning teeth. I use them for many cleaning chores: a. Around tight spaces and seams on your toilet seat where the cover attaches to the bowl. b. I use another old brush to get into the corner crevices of my picture frames that accumulate dust (where a rag or paper towel can’t reach for that precision clean). c. Cleaning grout – Use toothbrushes or stiff bristle nail/hand cleaning brushes to scrap away mold or dirt. I hope everyone had a child-like holiday and wish that 2024 is a safe, healthy, peaceful and crazy-free year. We all need a break from the lunacy! BTW – my Mum was the first person to buy my book and apparently ordered an extra one in her sleep as a Xmas present! My biggest fan!!! Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. I am so appreciative of your kindness. You are my Super Hero’s!!! My sister, Bridget, recently ended an email to me with a fantastic tag line - Women Ignite and Women Unite. I would love to chat with you about igniting and uniting about menopause or aging or anything you feel like getting off your chest. I want to hear your stories. I will listen without censure or interruption! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog and I hope you had a safe and cheerful holiday! Let's all have a happy, healthy, safe and minimal drama New Year! Let's be Friends!! Colleen McIntosh